[RAY CHARLES'
"HIT THE ROAD JACK" PLAYING]
♪ Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back ♪
♪ No more, no more
No more, no more ♪
♪ Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more ♪♪
[CRASHING AND TIRES
SCREECHING ON RECORDING]
Hey, it's Monday morning,
and I'm Jack Lucas.
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]:
Hi. This is about my husband.
JACK: Yes?
Well, he drives me crazy.
I'll be talking and he'll never
let me finish a sentence.
He's always finishing...
He's always finishing your thoughts.
That's awful.
It absolutely drives...
It drives you crazy, doesn't it?
He's a scoundrel.
Jack, you've hit the nail...
Hit the nail on the head. Yeah,
somebody ought to hit you on the head.
♪ Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back ♪
♪ No more, no more
No more, no more ♪
♪ Hit the road, Jack
And don't you come back no more ♪
♪ What you say? ♪♪
JACK: Tell us, how long have you and
Senator Payton been having this
[ENGINEERS LAUGHING]
Sleazy affair?
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Oh, great.
This is great.
This is disgusting.
I'm so tired of the public
invading a person's private life.
You had sex with a U.S. Senator
in the parking lot of Sea World.
You're telling me you're a private person?
No, you're our...
[IMITATING SEALS]
ENGINEERS: Spotlight Celebrity!
We want to hear about
the back seats of limos,
about the ruined lives
of people we want to be.
New and exotic uses
for champagne corks.
WOMAN: Listen, I have been
humiliated enough already, okay?
JACK: Well, no, perhaps not.
We need those details.
You're a pig, Jack.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
JACK: ♪ Whoa, woman, oh, woman
Don't you treat me so mean ♪
♪ You're the meanest old woman
That I've ever... ♪
You're on the air, caller.
MAN [OVER PHONE]:
Hello, Jack. It's Edwin.
Ohh. It's Edwin.
Haven't heard you in, what, a day?
I've missed you.
I've missed you too.
It's confession time.
What've you got?
I went to this bar, this very,
you know, hard-to-get-into place
called Babbitt's.
Oh. Yeah, it's one of those
chic, yuppie watering holes.
I met this beautiful woman.
Ugh. Come on, Ed. If you start
telling me you're in love again,
I'm gonna remind you
of that time we made you propose
to that checkout girl at Thrifty's.
Do you remember her reaction?
[WOMAN SCREAMS ON RECORDING]
She was just a girl.
This is a beautiful woman.
And Pinocchio is a true story.
You'll never get this tart
to your dessert plate.
This is different. She likes me.
Edwin. Edwin. Hey!
[WHISTLES]
Edwin!
I told you about these people.
They only mate with their own kind.
It's yuppie inbreeding.
That's why they're Ret*rded
and wear the same clothes.
They don't feel love.
They only negotiate love moments.
They're evil, Edwin.
They're repulsed by imperfection,
horrified by the banal,
everything that America stands for.
Everything you and I fight for.
They must be stopped before
it's too late. It's us or them.
Okay, Jack.
All right.
Well, it's been a thrill, as always.
Have a perfect day.
Everyone here at the
Jack Lucas Show says "bye."
This is Jack Lucas.
So long. Arrivederci.
I'll send you a thought today
as I lie in the back of my stretch limo
having sex with
the teenager of my choice.
And that thought will be,
"Thank God I'm me."
♪ I've got the power ♪♪
[HORNS HONKING]
[LOU CHUCKLING]
Some of this is very funny.
Cheever secured the Donna Summer
song to play over the credits.
Ooh. I have chills.
You sure they want me?
I won't read it without an offer.
Of course. Not even a question.
When I talked to him, I could
smell how much they want you.
I could smell it over the phone.
[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
Oh. Bums.
I don't have any change.
I'm not opening this window.
A couple of quarters isn't gonna
make any difference anyway.
[JOHN COLTRANE'S "I WISH I
KNEW" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
I hate my cheeks.
SONDRA:
Raoul called before, about dinner.
About dinner as a concept
or about dinner with Raoul?
SONDRA: You're so witty.
I gotta get out of here
and do something.
You know, tomorrow is
a very big day for me.
It'd be nice if you pretended
to understand.
Fine. I'll say no.
They're putting me on film tomorrow.
Fine.
First time in my life
I'll be a voice with a body.
You know what that means?
What this could lead to?
It's a sitcom, Jack.
You're not defining pi.
I'll remember that
the next time you get excited
by drawing pubic hair
on Raisin Bran.
You want some?
No, I have to work.
How un-'60s of you.
I was 9 in the '60s.
[TRIP'S "CHILL OUT JACK"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
JACK: I used to think
my biography
ought to be entitled:
Jack Lucas:
The Face Behind the Voice.
But now it could be Jack Lucas:
The Face and the Voice.
Or maybe just
Jack! Exclamation point.
JACK: Honey?
Where's my orange cup
with the teddy bear?
I'll k*ll that old bitch!
[JACK CLEARS THROAT]
I have a fever.
I really think I'm dying.
♪ Now he won't do a thing ♪
Well, forgive me!
♪ Jack, Jack ♪♪
Hey.
Forgive me.
Forgive me. Forgive me.
Hey, forgive me.
Forgive me.
Hey, forgive me!
Heh, heh. Yeah.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ I've got the power ♪
[CHILL ROB G'S "THE POWER"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Forgive me!
♪ I've got the power ♪
Whoa! Whoa!
Hey!
Forgive me!
♪ I've got the power ♪
I have it.
I have this.
I really have this.
♪ It's gettin', it's gettin'
It's gettin' kind of hectic ♪
♪ It's gettin', it's gettin'
It's gettin' kind of hectic ♪♪
JACK [ON TV]: They're evil.
They're repulsed by imperfection,
horrified by the banal,
everything that America stands for.
Everything you and I fight for.
They must be stopped before
it's too late. It's us or them!
MAN: It was Mr. Lucas' remarks that seemed
to have fatal impact on Mr. Malnick.
Marc Saffron is on the scene.
Babbitt's is a popular hot spot
with single, young professionals.
Edwin Malnick arrived
at the peak hour of 7:15,
took one long look at the collection
of the city's best and brightest,
then removed a shotgun
from his overcoat and opened fire.
Seven people were k*lled before
Malnick turned the g*n on himself
and shot a hole through his head.
Representatives of radio personality
Jack Lucas expressed regret.
No formal comment has been made.
Neighbors of Malnick said
he was quiet and lived alone.
"You scarcely knew he was there,"
said a woman who lived
next door for 11 years.
But few will soon forget
this lonely man
who reached out to a world
he knew only through the radio,
looking for friendship
and finding only pain and tragedy.
Marc Saffron. Channel 7 News.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Hey, everybody
Have you heard? ♪♪
f*ck.
JACK:
Garbage. People are garbage.
Pigs.
Go right ahead. Right ahead.
ANNE: Hey, Mr. Happiness.
Are you gonna do
a little work today or what?
Hm? What, out there?
They're not t*rrorists, Jack.
They're just ordinary people,
like you and me.
Breakfast of champions, right?
MAN: That one.
It'll be funny, and then
the scary one will do.
That one. A scary one
and a funny one.
Oh. Oh!
[♪♪♪]
WOMAN: Excuse me.
Can you help me?
I've looked for an hour,
and I'm losing my mind.
What I'm in the mood for
is a Katharine Hepburn-y,
Cary Grant-y kind of thing.
Nothing heavy.
I couldn't take heavy.
Something zany.
I'm looking for something zany.
Or something modern, like a Goldie
Hawn-y, Chevy Chase-y thing.
You know, funny. I wanna laugh.
I have to laugh tonight, really.
Oh, do you have anything with
that comedian? He's on that show.
It's On the Radio. You know the guy.
He says, "Hey, forgive me!"
I get such a kick
out of the way he says that.
He's so g*dd*mn adorable.
That would be perfect.
Didn't he make a movie?
Ordinary Peepholes.
It's kind of a big-titty,
spread-cheeky kind of thing.
Excuse me, I just want to
borrow him for a minute.
You're gonna love that.
Frightening woman.
Are you in a mood today?
If she didn't get something zany,
she would've k*lled us all.
Are you in an "emotional abyss"?
Will you explain this to me?
I don't understand these moods.
Anne, they're my moods. You wanna
understand? Have your own.
I hate desperate people.
Sweetie, baby, love of my life,
you hate people.
Look, why don't you take the day
off, go upstairs, put your feet up?
I'll cook tonight, okay?
Right.
You seen my orange cup
with the teddy bear?
Grandma used it
for her urine specimen.
[LAUGHING]
MAN 1: I'll k*ll her!
Here I am, I'm dying. The doctors
are dividing up my estate!
I gotta hide my trophy cups in case
Grandma finds herself in a beer hall.
It's funny. What do you want?
It's not funny.
Then why do we watch it?
It makes me feel good
to see how not funny it is.
America doesn't know funny. It makes it
easier not being a funny TV celebrity.
Because that would just mean
I'm not really talented.
You are a sick f*ck,
you know that?
I don't know why you...
Shh, shh!
Don't you do that.
I'm trying to watch!
You have too many thoughts
rolling around up there.
You're very self-absorbed, Jack.
God, divert yourself.
My God, read a book.
It's important to think.
It separates us from lentils and
people that read books like Love Song.
Great book, dumb title.
You know, you used to say
that you liked that about me.
You said you liked that we
didn't have to think all the time.
That we could just be together
and not think.
Well, suicidal paranoiacs
will say anything to get laid.
Have another drink, Jack. It's on
the house, like everything else.
MAN 2 [ON TV]: I hope your children
treat you with the same disrespect.
MAN 1: I got a fever. I'm dying.
WOMAN: You're not dying.
You have a cold.
Besides, you can't die
before Sunday,
because we have to go
to the Billy Joel concert.
Ah. Well, forgive me!
[SCOFFS]
Madness.
[GRUNTS]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Shit!
[GRUNTING]
f*ck!
[♪♪♪]
MAN [ON TV]: Forgive me!
[PEOPLE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING ON TV]
f*ck.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
JACK: Hey, watch it, assh*le!
DRIVER:
Well, forgive me, fuckhead!
MAN: Hey! Hey, over here!
Here I am!
Oh, taxi!
Hello! Merry Christmas!
Hey, buddy.
Buddy, help a guy out.
Help me out with a quarter.
Come on, sport!
Sport. Hey, I told you!
What's the matter with you?
Get away from me!
Get away from me!
You're a maniac!
You're crazy! BOY: Mr. Bum.
Here.
JACK:
Hey, anybody here named Jiminy?
[LAUGHING]
[♪♪♪]
JACK:
You ever read any Nietzsche?
Nietzsche says there are two kinds
of people in the world.
People who are destined
for greatness,
like Walt Disney
and Hitler.
And then there's the rest of us.
He called us
"the bungled and the botched."
We get teased.
We sometimes
get close to greatness,
but we never get there.
We're the expendable masses.
We get pushed in front of trains,
take poison aspirin,
get gunned down in Dairy Queens.
You wanna hear the new title
of my biography,
my little Italian friend?
It Was No f*cking Picnic:
The Jack Lucas Story.
You like it?
Il no-va esta f*cking picnic-o.
You're a good kid.
You say no to dr*gs.
You ever get the feeling sometimes,
you're being punished
for your sins?
[♪♪♪]
MAN 1: Woo-hoo!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Hey, what's going on?
I said, what's going on?
What are you doing here, man?
[GRUNTING]
You shouldn't hang around here!
I was just leaving.
People spend a lot of money
for this neighborhood.
It's not fair.
Looking out their windows to see
your ass asleep on the streets!
Yes, I agree.
Good. That's very good.
Do you believe this drunk?
Me neither, man! Do it!
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
MAN 2: Hold, varlet!
Or feel the sting of my shaft!
[GRUNTING]
In the name of Blanche de Fleur,
unhand that errant knight!
Do you speak English?
Let the bum go, dipshit!
Mendacity! Why are two
attractive city squires like you
abusing a knight like this?
Are you a f*gg*t too?
f*gg*t? No, but I do
believe in fairies.
Not without dinner.
Are you f*cking nuts?
Viola! Let's show him
what he's won!
I advise you to let us go.
You advise us, huh?
Yes. You're outnumbered, son.
Ha-ha-ha.
Can't you see?
MAN 3:
Looks like Night of the Living Dead.
MAN 1: Come on, go for it!
They can't do nothing!
PARRY: Can't do nothing.
Can't do nothing!
Nothing?!
Gentlemen!
ALL: ♪ I like New York in June ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
BUMS: ♪ I like a Gershwin tune ♪
♪ How about you? ♪♪
Oh, look. It's showtime.
You know, boys,
there's three things
in this world that you need:
Respect for all kinds of life,
a nice bowel movement
on a regular basis
and a navy blazer.
Oh, and one more thing:
Never take your eye off the ball!
[MAN 1 GRUNTS & MAN 3 WHIMPERS]
The ability to be a shithead
can be a fabulous advantage.
[♪♪♪]
PARRY: Hey, hey, hey!
Please. Don't hurt me!
Why? So you can be healthy
when you jump? No.
You can't leave me tied up
out here alone, you f*gg*t!
PARRY:
You're not gonna be alone.
Huh?
Come and get it!
I need a drink.
Hey, I know a fabulous place
with great ambiance.
[GROANS]
[MAN CACKLING]
What do you think
of the death penalty?
Death's definitely a penalty.
Ain't no f*cking gift.
Life's too g*dd*mn short.
Great place, huh?
[SCREAMING]
How are you tonight?
Not bad, John. You?
JOHN: Can't complain.
PARRY:
Can I interest anybody in a fruit pie?
No, thank you. Too fattening.
Crazy f*cking...
[SCREAMING]
[GROANS]
Have a drink!
I better be leaving.
Drink, g*dd*mn it! No.
[COUGHING]
I think they like you.
JOHN:
♪ I like New York in June ♪
ALL: ♪ How about you? ♪
You were great tonight, Parry.
♪ I like potato chips ♪
♪ Moonlight and roses ♪
♪ How about you? ♪♪
Hi.
Welcome back.
How you feeling?
Have I died? Oh, no.
[PARRY CHUCKLES]
Hey, easy, easy. Want to get up?
There you go. Gravity works.
Take it real slow. There you go.
Take a few breaths, huh?
Where am I? My domicile.
It's my humble abode.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Want something to eat? Your stomach
must be a real tabula rasa.
I don't know if these are raisins
or rat shit. You can't tell.
Oh. Oh, heh.
How about a fruit pie?
[RETCHING]
I was off by a couple of months.
It's nice to have company. Hi.
Where are my shoes?
What? Where?
What? Shh. Shh. What?
Excuse me.
What is it? We've got company.
What?
I knew it. I knew it last night.
I did too. I did. Don't...
Don't...
He's the one!
Can you keep a secret?
No. Good.
Know what the little people told me?
The little people?
Oh. You know.
They said you're the one.
[♪♪♪]
The one what?
Shut up!
Get away from him!
This'll get rid...
Wintergreen.
So sorry about this.
Oh, there we are.
They said you're not ready
to know yet.
I'm not?
He is too!
Get out of here. f*ck off!
Beat it!
I have rights! Oh, yeah.
Fly up there. Oh, yeah.
Come on! Out of here! Yah!
[♪♪♪]
Hey! You can't be in there.
You're frightening him!
Do you know who I am?
I'm drawing a blank.
Take a guess.
Let him guess.
Uh...
You seem to be
some kind of vigilante.
That happens along the way,
of course.
Here's a clue.
A hood ornament? No.
I'm a knight.
On a special quest.
And I need help.
Quest?
That's why they sent you.
The little... Yes, yes.
You see, they work for him.
So do I.
Him?
God.
I'm the janitor of God.
[SIGHS]
I know.
[GASPING]
I know how you feel.
They came to me
about a year ago.
I was sitting on the john, having a
really satisfying bowel movement.
Those ones that border
on mystical, where you're like:
[GROANING]
Oh!
And there they were.
[CHUCKLING]
Hundreds of
the cutest little fat people
floating right in front of me.
It was wonderful. And then,
they spoke.
And they said
that I had been chosen
to get back something
very special that he had lost.
My part will be very dangerous.
I said, "Whoa!"
"Hold it right there." I mean...
If you see floating little fat people
say you're on a mission from God,
they'll slap you some heavy Thorazine.
I said, "Give me a sign."
And they said, "Look in Progressive
Architecture, February '88, page 33."
[SIGHS]
That's pretty specific, huh?
Bingo! He knows.
He knows. He does.
It's right here.
Where is it? A, B, F, M. M!
Under Miscellaneous,
not Mythology.
Look at this. Here it is.
See it?
JACK: Langdon Carmichael.
PARRY: No, no.
Right there. See it?
What?
The Grail.
The Holy Grail.
It's God's symbol
of divine grace.
The Holy... Yes.
Some billionaire has got the Holy
Grail in his library on Fifth Avenue?
I know. Who'd think you'd
find anything divine there?
I don't mean to be flippant or enrage
you, but you're a psychotic man.
I know.
A very nice psychotic man.
I appreciate what you did.
It was a brave and noble thing.
You're embarrassing me.
I'll see a lot of you on various
talk shows when you get the Grail.
Please don't go!
I can't.
I can't get it.
Because he's out there.
He's always out there.
That's why you can get it.
That's why you're the one.
I'm not the one.
I'm not anyone.
Forget about the shoes.
I'm gonna take a cab.
Parry. Parry, I'm Jack.
I know.
Oh! Oh, wait! Listen, don't...
They're... Here they are.
Jack. Jack.
Here you go. As they were.
Uh, you can keep the doll.
Hey, thanks a mil, huh?
Now that you know where we are,
don't be a stranger.
Come back. We'll rummage.
Take care of yourself, Jack.
Give my love to the wife.
I'm not married.
Really? You look married.
Don't be a stranger.
See you.
Hey. Hey, where you coming from?
The basement, I think.
I tell him no visitors!
Hey, hold it! Hold it. Huh?
Listen. You a friend of Parry's?
No.
I don't allow no entertaining.
I let him stay out of the goodness
of my heart because of the tragedy.
But I'm not running a hotel.
And nobody's taking
advantage of me.
Tragedy?
He and his wife were in some bar
and some nut comes in with
a shotgun and blew the place apart.
Splattered her brains
all over the walls.
She was a beautiful girl.
Never knew what hit her.
You ought to have heard about
that nut who listened to the radio.
ANNE: You could've been
att*cked, r*ped, God knows!
I was up all night long, Jack.
Sorry.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah? WOMAN: A guy wants
to check out the pornos.
So send him back.
What the hell happened?
I was att*cked.
What?
Oh, baby!
Two kids tried to set me on fire.
Oh, my God.
Ow. What did they do to you?
You almost done?
Are you looking for a story?
I've seen most of them.
Here. Creamer Versus Creamer.
Won an award. Go.
Did you call the police? Do you
want me to call up the doctor?
Are you sure?
So where did you
sleep last night?
I stayed at a friend's, Anne.
Okay, Jack. I want you to be
up front with me now.
If you're seeing
somebody else, tell me.
Don't pour gasoline
all over yourself
and light a match
just to break up with me.
Just tell me the truth.
Anne, I was not
seeing anyone else.
I really was att*cked.
Okay.
I've got a cut here.
Okay, I see it now. I'm sorry.
I love you.
What are you gonna do?
You don't have to say it back.
Although it wouldn't
break your jaw to try.
You know what the Holy Grail is?
ANNE: Holy Grail?
Yeah, I know that one.
That was like Jesus' juice glass.
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
Oh. Yeah, I used to be
such a Catholic.
Do you still believe in God?
You gotta believe in God.
But I don't believe that God
made men in his image.
Most of the shit that happens
is because of men.
No, I think man was made
in the devil's image
and women were
created out of God.
After all, women have babies,
which is kind of like creating.
And it accounts for the fact
that women are so attracted to men.
Let's face it, the devil is
a hell of a lot more interesting.
I've slept with some saints in my day,
and I know what I'm talking about.
Boring.
So the whole point of life,
I think, is for men and women
to get married, so that God
and the devil can get together
and work it out.
Not that we have to
get married or anything.
God forbid.
You have a little thing
right here.
What, a pimple?
This stuff is supposed to blend
with my skin. Like it works.
No, I don't think I'm up for it
tonight, honey.
I just had a very
traumatic experience.
I'm getting sick.
Ow, ow, ow. Ow.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ow.
Careful, careful, careful now.
Anne, I spent the night
in a boiler room.
I'm tired.
I'm upset. I don't...
I'm not in the mood, okay? Okay.
[ANNE MOANING]
JACK: Parry?
Parry?
Oh! Gee. Can I help you?
I was looking for Parry.
He's not here.
The hospital said it'd be best if we
kept certain things away from him.
There, that's his real name.
Henry Sagan.
He was a teacher
at Hunter College.
They kept him in a mental place
over on Staten Island.
He did not speak for a year, and then
all of a sudden he started talking.
Only now, he's this "Parry" guy.
He and his wife
used to live upstairs.
When he got released,
they sent him here.
I felt bad.
He couldn't work.
Nobody wanted him.
So I let him stay
in the basement.
He helped out.
I'd give him a couple of dollars.
People throw things away,
he gets them.
She was a beautiful girl.
He was crazy about her.
MAN [ON RECORDING]: I appreciate the way
you deal with people. I'm a big fan.
JACK [ON RECORDING]:
I enjoy appreciation.
MAN: I especially appreciated it when
you told that homeless schmuck...
Who does he think he is,
talking about the money you made?
JACK: Yeah, well, I...
MAN: Who was he to ask
Jack Lucas anything?
JACK: assh*le.
MAN:
I did the same thing the other day.
It was perfect.
I listen to you every day.
You are a consistent,
integral man. I mean it.
ANNE: What's the matter, baby?
Can't sleep?
[TAPE RECORDER CLICKS]
Yeah.
I'll tell you something, Anne.
I really feel cursed.
Stop it.
Things will change.
I feel like I'm a magnet,
but I attract shit.
Out of all the people in this city,
why'd I meet a man
whose wife I k*lled?
You didn't k*ll anybody.
Stop it.
I wish there was
some way I could...
just pay the fine and go home.
[♪♪♪]
I know, I know.
[SOBBING]
Oh, baby.
[♪♪♪]
[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]
JACK: Have you seen Parry?
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
PARRY: Affliction thou
hast made me suffer.
Deign, princess, to remember thy sl*ve
who endures misery for love of thee.
Uh... Parry. Hi, Jack.
[BELL TOLLING]
I thought you could use...
Come on.
Shh.
MAN: Oh... Uh... I'm sorry. I...
She'll be back.
Isn't she a vision?
Yeah, gorgeous.
I just wanted to...
Come on.
Wait, wait. Hey, look.
I'm leaving. I'm going.
I wanted to give you...
Shit!
PARRY: Wait.
Now!
Here. Come here!
This way. Down!
[♪♪♪]
Jack.
She buys a new book
every two days.
VENDOR: Sweetheart, what
the hell you doing?
She's into trash.
But what are you gonna do?
PARRY: Jack.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Jack, come here.
Oh.
Oh, she loves dumplings.
That's the Wednesday ritual.
Oh, it's so sweet.
She does that every time.
We're looking through the window.
You got a problem with that?
I'm looking through
the f*cking window!
Jack Come on, let's go.
[♪♪♪]
PARRY: If they said I'd love a girl who
chews jawbreakers, I'd say they were nuts.
But look at that jaw. Oh.
There she goes.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh.
You follow her every day, huh?
Oh, it's not like that.
I'm deeply smitten.
What's her name? I don't know.
A cooler! Oh.
Oh. This is beautiful. Needs work.
Here. Come here.
I just would like to help you.
Fifty dollars?
All right, here.
Here's another 20.
Will that do it?
Seventy dollars?
How much is this gonna take?
You're so nice, I...
Aw, Jack. That's okay.
It's okay.
Hey, can I take you to lunch?
Huh?
No, I gotta go back to work.
Take care of yourself.
Sell!
Buy! Buy!
Buy!
f*ck them all!
What are you doing?
Give that back!
Jack! Jack! Jack!
What are you doing?
Jack, let go!
What the f*ck are you doing?
Jack, why did you do that?
I gave that to you!
What am I gonna do...?
I don't know, but I gave it to you
to help you, not to help him.
Jack, do you really
wanna help me?
[♪♪♪]
PARRY:
Okay, you can open your eyes.
Pretty impressive, huh?
As formidable as it seems,
everything has its weakness.
There's no moat.
You can't just break into
Langdon Carmichael's house.
He's done nothing...
I'll deal with it!
Let's go through this
again, okay?
Listen to me.
There is the Holy Grail...
Don't drool or roll your eyes
when I tell you this.
But you shouldn't be doing this.
There is no Holy Grail.
Jack, ye of little faith.
There has to be. What were the
Crusades, the Pope's publicity stunt?
You heathen, there's a Grail.
Come on.
Hey, hey. Wait, look. Wait a minute.
Hey! Ha-ha-ha.
JACK: You're only partly insane.
People like you can lead
semi-normal lives.
You can get a job.
I have a job, Jack.
I have a quest.
I take it back.
You're f*cking deranged.
You'll get yourself k*lled
trying to get in.
That's so sweet.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to protect me.
You think there's danger.
No, I think you're a moron,
and I don't want to get in trouble.
You care.
First the money, now this.
That's so sweet.
Oh, you fabulous guy, you...!
Don't hug me in public again.
"Men with men." Oh, Jack!
I love this guy!
You hear me? I love this guy!
Oh, you hear me, jaded city?
JACK: Will you shut up?
PARRY: I love Jack! He cares.
Oh, Jack, in this jaded
m*therf*cking city, that you...
Shut up!
You hear me? I'm loopy about this guy.
Oh, Jack.
Oh, you're a real human being.
You're a friend. A true friend.
I'm not. Believe me.
I'm scum. Come on.
I won't listen.
You're a good guy.
I'm self-centered. I'm weak.
I don't have the willpower
of a fly on shit.
That's why the little people sent you.
It's magic...
I don't believe in
little floating people, okay?
There is no magic.
But you're still gonna help me.
That's what matters.
Parry. Parry,
or whatever your name is,
you know this isn't true,
the Grail, voices.
Part of you knows it's not true!
We have to start planning now.
Parry, listen to me! Jack, Jack.
You're acting weird.
I know who you are.
You're an intelligent...
Jack! Let go!
You used to teach
at Hunter College!
Parry, you're a teacher! Parry!
No! No!
[SCREAMING]
[YELLS]
[GROANING]
Parry!
Aah! Parry!
[♪♪♪]
JACK: What are you looking at?
Parry.
[YELLING]
Jack.
[♪♪♪]
He's afraid of you.
We've got him! Come on!
[HORNS HONKING]
DRIVER: Holy shit!
JACK: Parry!
Parry!
Hey! Parry!
PARRY: We got him, Jack!
[♪♪♪]
Aha!
Parry.
Yes!
JACK: Whoa!
I've got you!
Aah!
[♪♪♪]
[YELLS]
[PANTING]
I'm dying.
I can't breathe.
Isn't this a beautiful spot,
Jack?
Who have we been chasing?
Can I ask this question now?
He's gone now.
We had him on the run.
If we had horses,
we'd have had his ass.
Who?
What?
Who have we been chasing?
Jack, I thought you saw him.
Saw who?
The Red Knight.
Okay.
I gave you the money.
You want to keep it, fine.
You want to give it away, fine.
I just want you to know I did
give him the money, okay?
Are we clear?
Who are you talking to, Jack?
MAN: Help me! Somebody, please!
Heaven be praised for an opportunity
to fulfill the duties of my profession.
These cries proceed from a miserable
male or female in need of my aid.
This is too hard.
MAN: Help me!
You lady on the horse,
please trample me!
Over here! What are...?
SINGER: No, no. Get away from me!
Get away!
PARRY: We're not gonna hurt you.
I'm not gonna hurt you!
That's what the other guy said!
Leave me alone!
I want to help you.
No, I want to go.
Please, let me go now!
Scarecrow, they knocked
your stuffing out. Let me help.
No, I want a debutante
on a horse to step on me.
Parry. Leave me alone.
Sorry, but the days
of debutantes are over.
Isn't it awful?
Poor little Gloria.
Poor Brenda Frazier.
They ruined them.
They ate them alive!
What about Slim Keith?
That Guggenheim girl?
Imposters! Leave me alone.
Jack, lend a hand.
He needs to sleep it off.
Somebody'll take care of him.
Who? Mother Teresa?
She's retired. It's just us.
Maybe he wants to stay.
You want to stay?
Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just love
bleeding in horseshit.
How very Gandhi-esque of you.
PARRY: Jack.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
SINGER: No, please...
PARRY: Doctor!
I was born in a place like this.
I don't want to be here.
Please, let me... JACK: Come on.
Take care of him. No, no, no.
I want to go. Please let me go.
Where do you want to go?
A nice place that I know about.
We can go there later.
We can't go there tonight.
Maybe. Where do you want to go?
We can't. No, we can't.
[SOBBING]
Hey, come on.
Where do you want to go?
Venice.
Like Katharine Hepburn
in Summertime.
Why can't I be
Katharine Hepburn?
I want to die!
I just want to die!
PARRY: That's it!
Okay, ready?
♪ I like New York in June ♪
I'm in the wrong place.
Aren't we all?
♪ I like a Gershwin tune ♪
Don't hold back. Okay!
♪ I like to read good books ♪
Where will I put the children?
g*dd*mn daughter-in-law.
Comes in looking for dust balls.
Get the f*ck out of
my dining room, you assh*le!
Wonderful feeling,
but you're stretching.
Come on, tempo.
Allegro, people, allegro.
Okay. Ahem. When you, um...
PARRY:
♪ I like New York in June ♪♪
Did you lose your mind
all of a sudden,
or was it a slow, gradual process?
Well...
I'm a singer by trade.
Summer stock, nightclub revues,
that sort of thing.
And God, I absolutely lived for it.
I can do Gypsy, every part.
I can do it backwards.
Then one night, in the middle
of singing "Funny,"
suddenly it hit me.
What does all this mean?
I mean, that, plus the fact
that I'd watched all my friends die.
Sound like a veteran,
don't I? Heh, heh.
MAN 1: f*ck off!
My dad would be so proud of me.
Hey.
Pizza! MAN 2: About time.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Never gonna find her
in this crowd.
She's like clockwork. She comes
here at the same time every day.
She's late.
[SPLASHES]
Thank you.
Parry. Parry.
Did you hear Jimmy Nickels
got picked up yesterday?
Oh, yeah? MAN: Yeah.
He got caught pissing
on a bookstore.
Man's a pig.
No excuse for that.
Thank you, babe.
We're heading for social anarchy
when people piss on bookstores.
[MAN GROANS]
JACK: assh*le.
Didn't even look at you.
Well, he's paying
so he don't have to look.
See, guy goes to work every day,
eight hours a day,
seven days a week.
Gets his nuts so tight in a vice,
he starts questioning
the very fabric of his existence.
Then one day,
about quitting time,
boss calls him in the office
and says,
[IN NASAL VOICE] "Hey, Bob, why don't you
come in here and kiss my ass for me?"
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Well, he says, "Hell with it."
I don't care what happens.
I just want to see the expression
on his face
"as I jam this pair of scissors
into his arm."
[SIGHS]
Then he thinks of me.
He says, "Wait a minute."
I got both my arms.
I got both my legs.
"At least I'm not begging
for a living."
Sure enough, Bob's gonna put those
scissors down and pucker right up.
See, I'm what you call kind of
a moral traffic light, really.
I'm like saying,
"Red. Go no further.
Boop! Boop, boop, boop..."
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
I do not need this.
A woman my age.
I'm a person. There's a person here.
This is kid stuff!
You come, you go.
All I do is cook, like a jerk!
You waste a good lasagna.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
I don't need this.
Find yourself another dope.
Son of a bitch.
[CRYING]
PARRY:
God, what a beautiful night, Jack.
Don't you think
it's time to go now?
Running around
in the day is okay,
but at night, we could be
k*lled by a variety of people.
That's stupid, Jack.
This park is mine
as much as it is theirs.
Is it fair that they can
keep us out?
To make us think
we might get k*lled?
I think it's very fair. I don't.
What are you doing?
I'm cloud-busting. You ever done it?
Lie back, concentrate on the clouds
and break them apart with your mind.
But you have to be nude.
You can't do this.
No one's allowed to be naked
in a field in New York.
It's too Midwestern.
Come on, Jack. It's wild!
It's really freeing!
Your nipples are hard,
little guy's dangling in the wind.
Come on. What are you afraid of?
You're pissing me off.
We're bare-assed naked
in the middle of it!
I'm not doing this.
This is nuts!
I'm leaving. Free yourself!
You know why dogs do this?
Yow! It feels good!
I'm not doing that.
PARRY: Yes, yo!
I'm leaving. Come on.
Get back to your roots.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
The man talks to invisible people,
he sees invisible horses,
and he's lying naked
in the middle of Central Park.
I'm not surprised,
I'm out of my mind to be here!
Who are you talking to?
I'm talking to the little people!
Are they here?
They're saying,
"Jack, go to the liquor store,"
findeth the Jack of Daniels
that ye may be shitfaced!
"Doolang, doolang!"
They said that?
You are out of your f*cking mind!
Bingo!
Come on. Free up the little guy.
Let him flap in the breeze.
[HUMMING]
Oh, Jack.
[HOWLING]
JACK: Nothing's happening.
PARRY: Concentrate.
JACK: What if some
h*m* jogger runs by
and kills us to get back
at his father?
"Jack Lucas, found dead
next to a dead, naked man.
The two were dead.
His companion was naked."
I hate it when they use the word
"companion." It's so insinuating.
Probably boost the sales
of my biography.
The public has a fascination
with celebrity murders
that involve nakedness.
Bastards.
Jack, I may be going
out on a limb here,
but you don't seem
like a happy camper.
Did you ever hear the story
of the Fisher King?
No.
Begins with the king as a boy
having to sleep alone
in the forest to prove his courage
so he can become king.
While he's spending
the night alone,
he's visited by a sacred vision.
Out of the fire
appears the Holy Grail,
symbol of God's divine grace.
A voice said to the boy,
"You shall be keeper of the Grail
so that it may heal
the hearts of men."
But the boy was blinded by
greater visions of a life
filled with power
and glory and beauty.
And in this state
of radical amazement,
he felt for a brief moment,
not like a boy,
but invincible.
Like God.
So he reached in the fire
to take the Grail,
and the Grail vanished,
leaving him with his hand
in the fire to be terribly wounded.
Now, as this boy grew older,
his wound grew deeper.
Until one day,
life for him lost its reason.
He had no faith in any men,
not even himself.
He couldn't love
or feel loved.
He was sick with experience.
He began to die.
[♪♪♪]
One day, a fool wandered
into the castle
and found the king alone.
And being a fool, he was simple-minded.
He didn't see a king.
He only saw a man alone
and in pain.
And he asked the king,
"What ails you, friend?"
And the king replied,
"I'm thirsty. I need
some water to cool my throat."
So the fool took a cup from beside
his bed, filled it with water
and handed it to the king.
And as the king began to drink,
he realized his wound
was healed.
He looked and there
was the Holy Grail,
that which he sought
all of his life.
He turned to the fool and said,
"How could you find that which
my brightest and bravest could not?"
The fool replied,
"I don't know.
I only knew that you were thirsty."
It's very beautiful, isn't it?
I think I heard that at a lecture once.
I don't know.
Some professor...
Heh, heh. At Hunt...
You all right?
Hunt...
[♪♪♪]
Parry.
Hey, Parry.
Jack. Hey.
How come you never ask
that girl for a date?
I can't ask, I have to earn her.
Come on, this is the 20th century.
You don't have to earn a woman.
Maybe after we get the Grail.
But she could help you
get the Grail.
You know, I mean,
women are great.
They make homes,
and they k*ll the livestock
so the knights can go out
and get Grails.
Slaughter villages
with a clear head.
Where would King Arthur be
without Guinevere?
Happily married, probably.
Well, that's a bad example.
But trust me on this.
A woman who loves you keeps you
going, gives you strength.
Makes you feel like
you can do anything.
Is that what your girlfriend
does for you?
Sure, yeah.
Hm?
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
[MEN GRUNTING]
JACK: Get out of
the f*cking way!
[WOMAN GROANS]
Yes. Two Hearts Publishing?
May I speak to Lydia, please?
Lydia? Who is Lydia?
I don't know her last name.
You are calling Lydia
from my apartment?
You must think I'm some dope.
No, no.
You son of a bitch!
Her name is Lydia!
You stay out all night long.
You stroll in here at noon. Hey!
You think I need this? I don't.
Lydia!
No, no, no. Oh, shit!
I was not with a woman last night.
I was out with Parry!
The moron?
He's not a moron.
Who's Lydia?
Lydia is the girl that Parry likes.
I thought...
What? You wouldn't understand.
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid.
That pisses me off.
I'm sorry.
I feel indebted to the guy, okay?
What's that mean?
There, you see?
What does it mean?
I thought that if I could
help him in some way
get him this girl that he loves
that maybe, you know,
things would change for me.
[SIGHS]
Forget it. It's a dumb f*cking idea.
You big galoot.
You are such a mess.
Well, listen.
[GRUNTS]
Stranger things
have been known
to happen.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PHONE]
[PHONE RINGS]
[OVER PHONE]
♪ I've got the power ♪
Hello? Hello?
[CHILL ROB G'S "THE POWER"
PLAYING OVER PHONE]
Who is this?
Hello, Lydia.
This is Jack Lucas. I'm calling
from Video Spot Video Rentals.
Lydia, you are a major
credit-card holder, are you not?
Lydia, Lydia, I've got
some good news for you.
Of several credit-card holders, in
conjunction with several companies...
Which ones? Which ones?
JACK: All of them.
Which means that you have just won
a free membership at our store.
[CANCAN MUSIC PLAYING
OVER PHONE]
How did this happen?
My name was...?
[STAMMERING]
Is my name on a list?
Did you pick it out of a hat?
It was a list.
Were a lot of people there?
Or just you?
There were, uh...
What's the difference?
This phone...
I've never won anything in my life.
And I don't even have a VCR...
You'll get a free VCR
with a membership...
For a short time,
until you get your own.
Why don't you come on
down to the store,
check it out,
see if you're interested?
No. Did Phyllis tell you
to call me and...?
Did Phyllis in Accounting do that?
No, I told you,
you won a contest.
You have just...
This is gonna be rough.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Shh, shh, shh.
Well, I need to warm up.
I'm Anne Morrow Lindbergh.
I can't find my baby.
I knew I could make you smile.
[CHUCKLING]
Look, one chorus
and then you're out of there.
Jack, I'm a man with a mission.
I can't believe I'm on a first-name
basis with these people.
Can I help you?
Is a mousy little woman
named Lydia here?
Yes. If you wait, I'll get...
No. It's a personal message.
I have to give it to her in person.
You can't go back there!
Lydia Sinclair?
[CLEARS THROAT]
[GASPS]
You must be she.
♪ I had a dream ♪
♪ A dream for guess who, Lydia ♪
♪ It wasn't for her, Lydia ♪
♪ It's only for you, yes, Lydia ♪
♪ Some people can get their kicks ♪
♪ Watching Koppel
And late-night flicks ♪
♪ That's okay for some people
Who don't own VCRs ♪
♪ But, Lydia
You've won our grand prize ♪
♪ Just think of it, all the movies
You'll watch for free now ♪
♪ Dramas, Westerns,
Comedies, wow ♪
♪ Video Spot has
The best selection ♪
♪ If you like porno
We're your connection ♪
♪ And everything's
Coming up videos ♪
♪ Everything's coming up videos ♪
♪ This time for free ♪
♪ For you, Lydia ♪
♪ For free ♪♪
Ow!
Our card.
[SINGER WHISTLING]
It'll be like you work here.
What am I qualified to do?
Sort, you know.
[SNIFFS THEN GROANS]
ANNE: Jack. Jack.
Yeah, this'll be good.
You'll smell like a forest.
[DOOR BELLS JINGLE]
[♪♪♪]
Hello. My name is
Lydia Sinclair.
Oh, hi. How you doing?
Congratulations. Jack Lucas.
Nice to finally meet you.
This is Anne Napolitano.
Video Spot owner.
Hello. Congratulations.
And this is our coworker,
Parry. Parry...
LYDIA: Parry Parry?
No, just Parry.
Oh. Like Moses.
[LAUGHING]
How do we do this?
Well, first we'll have you sign out
an official membership card there.
Sign that, if you would, and we'll
have that laminated for you.
Would you like to laminate
Miss Sinclair's card?
Oh, yeah.
This will last you for a year,
after which you can renew, if you
wish, at a membership discount.
Yeah, but not for free, right?
ANNE: Yeah.
JACK: You get 10 videos. Free?
Free. Only the first 10.
After that,
they're 2.99 a rental.
PARRY: Jack. Jack.
All right, all right. Go on.
Go on.
Can I help you?
No, no. I can look myself.
Okay.
[BOXES CLATTERING]
Hell Merchants. Good choice.
I don't like horror movies.
How about, uh...
The Purple Bread?
It's a big new Speizak's film.
Let's see.
It's set against a sweeping
background of a polish bakery.
Polish. That's a Polish bakery.
That's why it's in subtitles.
Don't like love...
Polish love stories.
I like musicals. Musicals.
Musicals?
Over here.
Here's our entertainment center.
Here's Fred Astaire.
That's good.
Yeah, Jolson. Mammy.
Have you got any Ethel Merman?
Ethel Merman?
She's...
[MOUTHING] Ethel Merman?
We're all out of Ethel Merman.
Ah...! What a gyp! That sucks.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I think I actually ordered
some just the other day.
Did you or didn't you?
Yeah. They'll be in soon.
Well...
I'll come back then.
Oh, uh...
Miss Sinclair, your card.
Don't forget it.
LYDIA: I like your nails.
Where'd you get them done?
ANNE: Actually, I...
I do them myself. I used to
work in a beauty parlor.
I like the stars.
JACK: You know,
Anne does other people.
Sort of as a sideline.
She could do your nails.
LYDIA: How much?
Well, you're a member. We could...
Forty dollars.
[GROANS]
Forty dollars?
Forty?
[MOUTHING]
Forty. For... Um...
Okay.
When will you do them?
ANNE: I don't know. Next...
Tonight?
Tonight.
Thank you.
Jack, getting your nails
done is one thing,
but going out to dinner
with strangers, and that one...
We'll make it very casual.
She didn't look at him.
It won't be a date.
You got any more starchy food?
[FORK CLATTERS]
Oh, clumsy moi.
Thank you.
I've gone out with some bums,
but they were beautiful.
That's the only reason
to go out with a bum.
This food is delicious,
Anne. Really.
You're a wonderful cook,
and you have a great set of dishes.
Jack, he's trying to
start a conversation.
Well, talk, then.
He's not gonna bite you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know,
you are a beautiful woman.
You got your own business.
I am surprised some guy doesn't
just snatch you up all for his own.
Oh, you're surprised?
Guess I never met the right guy.
What are you gonna do?
No. I'm shocked.
I mean, a childbearing
body like yours...
A guy would have to be
out of his mind.
Most guys are.
No.
You?
This incredible woman going
to waste before my very eyes.
No, this is outrageous!
I will not hear this.
No! No, come on.
Jack, get over here.
I am your man, then!
Let's do it right here!
Let's go to that place
of splendor in the grass!
Behold my magic wand and free
your golden orbs right now!
You know what I'm saying.
What are you? Out of your mind?
♪ What a wonderful way
Of saying how much you... ♪♪
Close your pants.
Took you long enough.
JACK: What are you,
a 40 in a jacket?
Yeah, that's it.
This is gonna work.
You let me know, because you're
too good a woman to go to waste.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[DOOR BUZZES]
Oh.
Welcome.
Come in.
I've never been in an apartment
above a store before.
You always walk past them
on the street,
but you never really think
anyone lives in them.
Can I get you something?
A little coffee?
A little tea? A little tequila?
No. Nope.
Will it hurt?
That all depends on you.
You sure you don't want a drink?
JACK: Yes.
You just enjoy this. Thattaboy.
This is mud.
We just washed that off.
This is gonna
make you look great.
It's good mud. Heh.
Shh. Shh.
Close. Mm-hm.
Lips. Mm.
[MUFFLED] Heh. Jack.
Close.
What are you doing?
There we go.
Now, you just relax.
So anybody special in your life?
Does it look like there's
anybody special in my life?
You don't have
to say it like that.
It's not so, you know,
crazy an idea.
You're healthy. You have a steady job.
You're not cross-eyed.
Nope, there is nobody special.
Okay, fine.
I mean, it's not easy
in this day and age.
What's not easy?
Meeting people.
Oh, God. Tell me about it.
I've been dating longer
than I've been driving.
I can't believe that.
[WHISPERING] I have never
been through a dating period.
It's a disgusting process.
You haven't missed a thing.
JACK: Hold still.
I'm so excited.
[STAPLER CLICKING]
Did you feel like this
when you first met Anne?
She's a wonderful woman.
She loves you too much.
But you love her too, don't you?
I mean, you know you do.
It's just that you're
an assh*le sometimes.
Sorry.
Thanks.
My mother calls me once a week,
like an ongoing nightmare.
"Have you met anyone?"
"No, Mom."
"What's going to happen?"
"I don't know, Mom."
Thank God I moved out
of that house!
I cannot believe you lived
with her as long as you did.
If I had to live with my mother,
I would s*ab myself six times.
I think some people
are meant to be alone.
This is my idea:
That I was born a man
in a former life,
and I used women for pleasure.
So now...
I'm paying for it.
I wouldn't mind so much
if I could
just remember the pleasure parts.
I think you're getting
a little too complicated.
What, in your opinion,
is the actual problem?
I don't make an impression
on people.
At office parties,
I rearrange the hors d'oeuvres
while people are eating them,
so that the platters will remain full.
I never start any of the conversations,
because I just don't know...
I don't know where
to make it end, to go.
Listen, listen. You gotta be
a little easier on yourself, doll.
A conversation
has a life of its own, you know?
You have to have
some faith in that fact.
I mean, look at us.
We're having
a very lovely conversation.
I'm paying you.
Will you stop it? I'm not like that.
I don't do people favors.
If I talk to you,
it's because I want to.
You're not a supermodel.
We can't all be Jerry Hall.
What a boring world it'd be
if we were all Jerry Hall.
You do the best you can
with what you got.
You're not so invisible.
Hey, you want a personality?
Try this on for size:
You can be a real bitch.
[CHUCKLES]
Really? Yeah.
Really?
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[LAUGHING]
I'm gonna give you my wallet
so you can pay for dinner.
You're a nice man, Jack,
doing all this for me.
I'm scared. No, no, no.
I mean, I feel so much for her.
I feel like something awful
is gonna happen.
Nothing awful is gonna happen.
No, no, no.
Anne is gonna be there.
I'm gonna be there.
Nothing awful is gonna happen.
Okay?
I'm still scared.
JACK:
I know. It's gonna be fine.
PARRY: Okay. All right.
You're looking good. You too.
Just remember to breathe.
I gotta breathe.
JACK: Big breaths.
[ANNE & LYDIA LAUGHING]
Anne? Anne? Anne?
Oh. Oh, oh.
LYDIA: Aah!
Hey, look! Lydia, how you doing?
Parry, look. It's Lydia Sinclair,
our membership winner.
PARRY: I know.
ANNE: What have you
fellas been up to?
Everything's locked up.
We thought we'd get some dinner.
Oh.
JACK: Parry!
PARRY: Ja... Ow! Jack.
[PARRY GRUNTING]
Say, anybody up for Chinese?
Ooh. Ooh.
JACK: Would you like to join us?
No, thank you.
Watch your nails.
I'd rather go home.
Me too.
Parry, Parry, Parry. Come on.
You still have to eat.
No, I'd like to...
Don't blow this. Hey...
I'd rather go home.
What'd I tell you? It's only dinner.
Come on. You're gonna do this.
You'll have something
to tell your mother.
You are coming!
ALL: Fine.
[♪♪♪]
PARRY: What do you do?
Well, I get to read
the book sometimes.
But mostly, I calculate
production costs,
[BOTTLE CLINKS]
Calculation costs
from first-edition hardcover to,
sorry, softcover.
And after softcover,
it's somebody else's problem.
Boy, that sounds real exciting.
Why does it sound exciting?
It's not exciting at all.
Why not?
[STAMMERING]
Your calculations determine whether
a book is published or not.
You know, maybe it's a book that
changes the way people think
or, you know, act.
Yeah, but what we publish is
mostly trashy romance novels.
Don't say that.
There's nothing trashy
about romance.
In romance is passion.
There's imagination.
There's beauty.
Besides, you find
some pretty wonderful things
in the trash.
[♪♪♪]
Ooh, dumplings.
I could eat all of these.
Would you like a dumpling?
Some tea? Yes, please.
There you go.
Parry.
Oh. Ooh.
Ooh, boy. Heh, heh, sorry.
Oh. Hey.
[GLASS BREAKS]
Sorry.
[COUGHING]
It's hot. Whew.
Help her with that.
[SLURPS]
[HUMMING]
Thanks.
[BURPS]
[LYDIA BURPS THEN SIGHS]
LYDIA: Excuse me.
PARRY: Excuse me.
It's contagious.
What do you think?
LYDIA: Ha!
PARRY: It's good stuff, huh?
I think that they were made
for each other.
Scary, but true.
PARRY: You got it?
You got it?
I got it. You got it.
There it is. Okay.
[ANNE CHUCKLING]
Yay!
[ALL LAUGHING]
♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia
Say, have you met Lydia? ♪
♪ Lydia the tattooed lady ♪
♪ She has eyes
That men adore so ♪
♪ And a torso even more so ♪
♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia
Say, have you met Lydia? ♪
♪ Lydia the queen of tattoos ♪
♪ On her back is
The Battle of Waterloo ♪
♪ Beside it
The wreck of the Hesperus too ♪
♪ And proudly above
Waves the red, white and blue ♪
♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia ♪
[HUMMING]
[♪♪♪]
♪ When her robe is unfurled
She will show you the world ♪
♪ If you step up
And tell her where ♪
♪ For a dime you can see
Kankakee or Paris ♪
♪ Or Washington crossing
The Delaware ♪
[HUMMING]
♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia
Say, have you met Lydia? ♪
♪ Lydia the tattooed lady ♪
♪ When her muscles start relaxin' ♪
♪ Up the hill
Comes Michael Jackson ♪
♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia
Say, have you met Lydia? ♪♪
ANNE: No, come on, come on.
[ANNE & JACK LAUGHING]
Did you see her with the noodles?
She had a noodle hanging
down her head!
I couldn't believe it!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Then they started in
on the dumplings.
Playing hockey with it
on the table...
It was broccoli!
No, it was a dumpling. Ha-ha-ha.
They were batting it around
with chopsticks.
Stop. I'm gonna lose it.
Wait, the burping...
Yo, Lydia!
PARRY: Watch out! Hey.
Tell me more about yourself.
I'd like to know everything.
There's nothing more to tell.
Oh, don't say that.
No, that's it.
It's enough for me.
I think she went for him.
I know.
I can't believe I did it.
[SPEAKS IN LATIN]
What?
It's Latin.
It means "love conquers all."
I don't mean us.
I mean everybody else.
Do you think it'll work out?
Who knows? Who knows?
Two people could be across from each
other and never find each other.
Another two people could be
on opposite sides of the world
and nothing could keep them apart.
Who knows?
The thing is, if a thing is
meant to happen...
What? Nothing. Go on.
Wait a minute.
You must be very
proud of yourself.
You did a great thing
for somebody tonight.
[♪♪♪]
I was very proud to be
with you tonight.
You were great.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Steamed dumplings.
[GIGGLING]
Moo Shu pork!
[ANNE LAUGHING]
You don't have to say that.
I never say anything I have to.
No, I mean you don't have
to say nice things to me.
It's old-fashioned, considering
what we're about to do.
What are we about to do?
You're walking me home.
Mm-hm.
I think you're
a little attracted to me.
Yeah.
And you'll probably want to come
upstairs for some coffee.
I don't drink coffee.
Then we'll probably have a drink.
And talk
and get to know each other
a little bit better, get comfortable.
And then you'll...
You'll sleep over.
And in the morning, you'll awake,
and you'll be distant.
And you won't be able
to stay for breakfast.
Maybe just a cup of coffee.
I don't drink coffee.
And then
we'll exchange phone numbers.
And you'll leave...
and never call.
And I'll go to work
and I'll feel so good
for the first hour, and then,
ever so slowly,
I'll turn into a piece of dirt.
I don't know why I'm putting myself
through this.
It was really nice to meet you.
Good night.
PARRY: Good night.
Excuse me! Wait, just...
Hey! Sorry. Wait one minute.
Excuse me. Please wait.
I'm not feeling very well.
Well, no wonder.
We just met, made love and broke up,
all in the space of 30 seconds.
I don't remember the first kiss,
which I think is the best part.
It was so very special
to meet you.
It was for me too, but I think
it's time you should shut up now.
Shut up.
Please?
I'm not coming up to your apartment.
That was never my intention.
Oh.
You don't want to.
Oh, no, I want to.
I have a hard-on for you
the size of Florida.
But I don't want just one night.
I have a confession
I have to make to you.
You're married? You're divorced?
No, no.
You have a disease?
No, please stop.
I'm in love with you.
Shh.
And not just from tonight.
I've known you for a long time.
I know that you come out from work
and fight your way out that door.
You get pushed back in,
and then you come back out.
I walk with you to lunch.
It's a good day
if you stop and get that
romance novel at that stall.
I know on Wednesdays,
you go to that dim sum parlor.
And I know that you get a jawbreaker
before you go back into work.
And I know you hate your job
and you don't have many friends.
Sometimes you feel uncoordinated
and you don't feel as wonderful
as everybody else.
Feeling as alone and separate
as you feel you are...
I love you.
I think you're the greatest thing
since spice racks.
I'd be knocked out if I could
just have that first kiss.
And I won't be distant.
I'll come back in the morning.
I'll call you, if you'll let me.
But I still don't drink coffee.
Shh.
You're real...
aren't you?
Bye.
It's the wrong door.
You can call me.
She didn't give me the number.
[♪♪♪]
[GASPING]
No! No!
Please, let me have this.
Let me have it!
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING]
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMING]
[♪♪♪]
[HORN HONKING]
[SCREAMING]
Where are you?!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
We're tired of looking at you people!
Thank you.
[GRUNTING]
Ha, ha. Yeah, well,
I'm feeling good.
I don't know how else to put it, Lou.
Yeah, well, I had those
personal problems to work out.
And I have, and now
I wanna get back to work.
Do you think that's possible?
Yeah, I understand.
I am, yeah.
I won't.
I will.
Great. When?
Tuesday's fine.
Tuesday's great, Lou.
I'll see you then.
Thanks a lot. Okay, bye.
Who's Lou? Lou is my agent.
You're kidding.
I called my agent.
What did he say?
He says that if I want to get
back to work, no problem.
That I just come in
and we talk and that's it.
Oh, baby!
That's terrific!
I gotta get these tapes organized.
You seen my jacket?
It's in the bathroom.
The bathroom...
I got coffee here if you want.
You made coffee?
You are going back to work
and you made coffee?
I'm loving this.
Oh, you know what would be neat?
Now that there's gonna be
another income coming in,
I'd love to look
for a bigger place.
I mean, I don't want
to rush anything,
but I'd like to start
looking anyway, you know?
Maybe a two-bedroom
or maybe even
the top floor of a house?
Say, in Brooklyn...
Heights?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
What?
You don't wanna commute, right?
That's all right. We could...
Come here.
You are an incredible woman.
I'm an incredible woman?
What's this, a death sentence?
No, no, I want to talk about this.
So much has happened
that I think it would be
a good thing for both of us
if we...
slowed down a little.
Slowed down?
Have we been going fast here?
Now, look, this has been
a real, real difficult time
for me this past year or so.
I feel like I'm above water
for the first time.
I feel like I know a lot more now, and I
don't want to make any more mistakes.
I think I need time
to make the right choices...
Wait, wait. I'm lost here.
I think that maybe I should...
be alone for a while.
Now that I know more,
you know, I feel
that I should focus on my career
now that everything's taken care of.
All right, first of all, let me
just say one thing, okay?
You don't know shit. Okay?
Secondly,
as far as we go, what have we
been doing here except time?
Have I ever pressured you
once, ever?
No. So, what time
do you need, baby?
I love you, you love me.
You wanna get your career going?
I think that's the greatest
thing in the world.
I want to be there
when it happens.
So, what do you need time
to figure out, huh?
All right, let me just
ask you one thing.
Do you love me?
I don't know.
[LAUGHING]
You can't even
give me that, can you?
Jesus, Jack. What were you
planning on doing here?
Packing up and dropping me a note
when you met somebody new?
I have no idea
what I was planning to do.
I just said I need time.
Bullshit! If you're gonna
hurt me, hurt me now.
Not some long, drawn-out hurt
that takes months of my life
because you don't
have the balls!
Okay. I'll pack my stuff tonight.
ANNE: What have you been doing here?
Can you tell me that?
What have you been doing here?
We both got something out of it.
What did I get?!
What did I get?!
What did I get I couldn't
have gotten from anybody
any night of the week?!
Do you think your company
is such a treat?
Your moods, your pain,
your problems.
You think
this has been entertaining?
Then what do you
wanna stay with me for?
Because I love you.
You stupid f*cking...
JACK: Hey, hey.
Anne.
Shh. Shh.
Anne.
[ANNE SOBBING]
No. Stop it, stop it. Don't.
No, you don't get to be nice!
I ain't gonna play a stupid game
where we act like friends
so you get to walk out
feeling good about yourself.
I'm not a modern woman.
If this is over,
let's just call it over.
[PHONE RINGING]
Yeah? Yeah.
My wallet? What do you mean?
JACK: Parry.
Parry.
Parry?
He can't hear you.
I'm Dr. Mandeville. I was on
duty when they brought him in.
I went over his record.
He was brought in once before.
Catatonic stupor,
condition rendered him nonverbal.
Yeah. So he's been beat up.
He's got a concussion, right?
Right? He's gonna snap out of it.
I'm afraid not.
The beating's bad,
but it's not the problem.
He seems to be
re-experiencing catatonia.
Like before, he could
snap out of it in an hour,
or 13 months, 13 years.
There's no way to be sure.
A person could re-experience
the full effect of a tragedy
long after the event took place.
I was reading
how he lost his wife.
Are you relatives?
Well, it doesn't matter.
We'll take care of him.
He'll have to be sent back
to the same institution.
What if I was a relative?
You'd have the option
to care for him at home.
My advice is, I wouldn't recommend it.
It wouldn't be good for him.
He needs hospital care.
I thought you could sign the release
forms, but the city can do that.
I'm sorry.
Poor Lydia.
She finally finds her prince
and he falls into a coma.
Some women just have
no luck, huh?
Anne. Anne.
Anne.
I'll call you, okay?
JACK:
The answer: Two dwarfs and a melon.
Have a perfect weekend.
And remember, on Monday
we have as our special guest,
Ben Starr,
star of the recently defunct
hit TV show On the Radio.
From one of the botched to all of you
bungled cats out there, I love you,
and right back at you.
[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ Hit the road,
Jack And don't you come back ♪
♪ No more, no more
No more, no more ♪♪
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah.
Yeah, Lou. Look, I said I want
an offer or they can forget it.
Uh-huh. Tell them I'm talking to the
cable people about a talk show.
What?
Beth's father set it up.
No, he owns it.
♪ I've got the power ♪
[CHILL ROB G'S
"THE POWER" PLAYING]
♪ I've got the power ♪
MAN: You gotta get out of here.
SINGER: I'm not bothering...
Come on, you gotta move it.
Jack!
Come on, let's go. Come on.
Jack! No, it's Jack. It's me!
Stop it, I know that guy!
Jack, do you remember me?
Venice! You know me!
Hey, come on. Come on.
Jack, can I talk to you, please?
I need to talk...
We spent time together.
COP: Let's go.
Please let me talk to him.
Do you know this guy?
Why won't you talk to me?
Leave me alone!
Jack!
♪ I've got the power ♪♪
It's a weekly comedy
about the homeless.
But it's not depressing
in any way.
We want to find a funny,
upbeat way
of bringing the issue
of homelessness to television.
So we've got three wacky
homeless characters.
But they're wise.
They're wacky and wise.
The hook is
they love being homeless.
They love the freedom,
the adventure.
It's about the joy of living, not the
shit we deal with: Money, politics.
And the best part is,
it's called Home Free.
Ooh. I'm getting a rush.
Oh. Really.
Is this another disappearing act
with this guy?
No. It's not a problem.
It's a bathroom break.
I'll check.
[♪♪♪]
Shit!
Oh, Parry.
PARRY: There. JACK: What?
PARRY: It's a Grail.
The Holy Grail.
JACK: The Holy...
Some billionaire has got the Holy
Grail in his library on Fifth Avenue?
PARRY: I know. Who'd think you'd
find anything divine there?
They said
you're the one.
[♪♪♪]
JACK: Henry Sagan?
[GRUNTING]
LYDIA: Pardon me. Not long ago, I
left some new sheets for Parry.
They were lime-colored, much like
this color, with watermelons.
Oh, yes. I'm sorry.
They're being cleaned.
The doctor had a little
accident with the hypo.
LYDIA: Just make sure that he does
get them when they are clean.
Thank you.
MAN: Guys, settle down.
Hi. It's Jack.
How you doing?
You're looking good.
You do.
Hey.
You gonna wake up for me? Hm?
This isn't over, is it?
You think you'll make me
do this, don't you?
Well, forget it. No f*cking way.
I don't feel responsible for you
or for anybody.
Everybody's got bad things
that happen to them. I'm not God.
I don't decide...
People survive.
Say something!
Everything's been going great.
Great.
I'm gonna have
my own cable talk show.
Mm-hm.
With an incredible equity,
I might add.
I've got an incredible... Incredibly
f*cking gorgeous girlfriend.
I'm living an incredible
f*cking life.
So don't lay there
in your comfortable coma
and think I'm gonna risk all that
because I feel responsible for you.
I'm not responsible!
I don't feel guilty. You've got it easy.
I'm out there,
every f*cking day
trying to figure out
what the hell I'm doing.
No matter what I have,
it feels like I have nothing.
I don't feel sorry for you. It's
easy being nuts. Try being me.
So I won't do it.
I don't believe in this shit.
Don't give me that stuff
about me being the one.
There's nothing,
nothing special about me.
I control my own destiny,
not some floating,
overweight fairies.
I decide what I'm gonna do,
and I'm not gonna risk my life
to get some f*cking cup
for some f*cking vegetable!
m*therf*cker!
What am I supposed to do?!
What am I supposed to do?
Cup...
All right, for sake of argument,
let's say I do do this.
Okay? If I do this,
I want you to know it wouldn't be
because I felt I had to
or because I felt cursed
or guilty or responsible.
If I do this...
Shit.
[SOBBING]
If I do this,
and I mean if...
it's because I want to do this
for you.
That's all.
For you.
Don't go anywhere.
[♪♪♪]
Shit!
[GRUNTING]
[ANCHOR CLANGING]
[♪♪♪]
[HORSE NEIGHING]
Great.
I'm hearing horses now.
Parry will be so pleased.
Radio personality turns screwball
on mission from God.
I just hope when they put me away,
they find me a place
right next to his.
Okay.
[JACK GRUNTS]
f*ck!
[YELLS]
Thank God nobody looks up
in this town.
[PANTING]
Shit.
[♪♪♪]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[♪♪♪]
"Lannie Carmichael.
Christmas 1932."
[SCOFFS]
[GLASS CLATTERS]
Shit.
Hey. Hey, come on. Wake up!
[♪♪♪]
Christ!
[♪♪♪]
[ALARM WAILING]
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
JACK: All right, I did
my side of the bargain.
Here's your cup.
You gonna wake up now?
[SIGHING]
You want to think about it
a little more.
Okay.
Take your time.
[♪♪♪]
I had this dream, Jack.
I was married.
I was married
to this beautiful woman.
And you were there too.
I really miss her, Jack.
Is that okay?
Can I miss her now?
Thank you.
[HUMMING]
PARRY:
Tempo, okay. Allegro. Here we go.
PATIENTS:
♪ I like New York in June ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I like a Gershwin tune ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I like a fireside
When a storm is due ♪
♪ I like potato chips
And moonlight and motor trips ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I'm mad about good books ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
Hi, sweetheart. Where you been?
Hey. What's this face all about?
Why are you crying?
Are you my girl?
Huh?
Are you my girl?
Yes.
PARRY: Hey.
Baby.
Tempo.
♪ Holding hands in the movie show
When all the lights are low ♪
♪ May not be new ♪
♪ But I like it ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ How about you? ♪♪
Well...
What do you expect me
to do? Applaud?
What? What?
What'd you come here for?
Did you come to get the rest
of your stuff? It all got burned...
accidentally.
Whatever the hell it is
you're doing, don't do it.
You don't just show up here
and stand there like a statue
and make me do all the work.
What did you come here for?
I, uh...
love you.
What?
I didn't get that.
Would you run it by me again?
[♪♪♪]
I think, um...
I realize...
I love you.
You love me, huh?
[LAUGHING]
You son of a bitch!
PARRY:
God, what a beautiful night, huh?
Hey, look. What?
They're moving.
Am I doing that?
PARRY:
Are you crazy? It's the wind.
[CHUCKLES]
♪ I like New York in June ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
BOTH: ♪ I like a Gershwin tune ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
[♪♪♪]
[JACK LAUGHING]
[PARRY LAUGHING]
[BOTH HOWLING]
PARRY: Good night, Manhattan!
Say good night, Jack.
JACK: Good night, Jack.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[HARRY NILSSON'S
"HOW ABOUT YOU?" PLAYING]
♪ I like New York in June ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I like a Gershwin tune ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I love a fireside ♪
♪ When a storm is due ♪
♪ I like potato chips
Moonlight and motor trips ♪
♪ How about you? ♪
♪ I'm mad about good books ♪
♪ Can't get my fill ♪
♪ And Franklin Roosevelt's looks ♪
♪ Give me a thrill ♪
♪ Holdin' hands in the movie show
When all the lights are low ♪
♪ May not be new ♪
♪ But I like it How about you? ♪
♪ I'm mad about good books ♪
♪ Can't get my fill ♪
♪ And Franklin Roosevelt's looks ♪
♪ Give me a thrill ♪
♪ Holdin' hands in the movie show
When all the lights are low ♪
♪ May not be new ♪
♪ But I like it How about? ♪
♪ I like it How about? ♪
♪ I like it ♪
♪ How about... ♪
♪ You? ♪♪
Fisher King, The (1991)
Moderator: Maskath3