Josh: you know what's great
About parents?
Drake: I'll tell you something
About parents.
Josh: they always keep an eye
Out for you.
Drake: you've got to always keep
Your eye on 'em.
Josh: like this one time, I was
Climbing a tree...
Drake: like once, josh climbed
All the way up this big tree...
Josh: I fell.
Drake: then he falls.
Josh: but my underpants got
Hooked on a branch.
Drake: and he ends up dangling
From a branch by his underwear!
Josh: so dad sees me swinging
And runs over to help me, right?
Drake: so here comes dad to the
Rescue.
Josh: he grabbed a ladder...
Drake: he grabs a ladder and
Starts trying to climb up it to
Get to josh.
Josh: he climbed up and tried to
Unhook my underpants.
Drake: and then the ladder falls
Backwards.
Josh: then the ladder fell over,
And dad went crashing down.
Drake: so...
Josh: so...
Drake: we've learned things
Here--you gotta keep an eye on
Your parents...
Josh: you know, my underpants
Caused me a lot of pain that
Day.
Drake: and your underwear can
Hurt you.
♪ I never thought that it'd be
So simple, but I found a way,
I found a way,
If you open up your mind,
It's gonna take some time
To realize,
But if you look inside,
I'm sure you'll find,
Over your shoulder,
You know that I told you
I'll always be picking you up
When you're down,
When you're down, so just turn around
So just turn around
So just turn around ooh-ooh-oooooooh ♪
Ooh-ooh-oooooooh ♪
Megan: hey, mom. Hey, boob.
Drake: don't call me a boob.
Drake: don't call me a boob. Megan: sorry, boob.
Megan: sorry, boob.
So what's for dinner?
Josh: josh is making us
Lobsters.
Megan: gross.
Drake: lobsters aren't gross.
Megan: I meant josh.
Josh: can I start cooking these
Already? I'm not sure what's
Going on between these two, but
I think they're in love, if you
Know what I mean.
Audrey: you know, I think we
Should wait 'cause your dad's
Still not home.
Josh: all right. I'll put 'em
Back in their crate...
Back in their crate... Where your [span]date[/span]can continue.
Where your [span]date[/span]can continue.
Walter: hi, g*ng. I'm sorry I'm
Late.
Audrey: that's ok. Hey, I loved
Your weather broadcast tonight.
Walter: you saw me do the
Weather?
Audrey: yeah. Why so surprised?
Walter: well, you never watch
My weather broadcasts.
Audrey: I do, too.
Drake, megan: no, you don't.
Drake, megan: no, you don't. Audrey: thanks for the backup.
Audrey: thanks for the backup.
Josh: hey, dad, my teacher
Called to remind you that career
Day's on wednesday.
Walter: career day?
Josh: yeah.
Remember you said you'd come
Speak to my class?
Walter: um...yeah.
Well, I'm really sorry. I'm not
Gonna be able to make it.
Josh: well, why not?
Walter: um, I have an important
Conference I have to go to on
Wednesday. A-about clouds. It's
A cloud conference. We call it
A "cc."
Drake: you are an exciting man.
[Telephone rings]
Drake: hello?
Uh, yeah, sure. Hang on one
Second. It's some lady for you.
Walter: um, thanks. I'll take it
Walter: um, thanks. I'll take it in the kitchen.
In the kitchen.
Megan: so when are the lobsters
Gonna be ready?
Drake: yeah, I'm starved.
Josh: I do not control the speed
At which lobsters die.
Drake: well, then, I'm gonna get
A snack.
Megan: bring me something.
Drake: no.
Audrey: drake.
Drake: I'll bring her something.
Walter: yes, of course I'm
Interested. I know. It's just
That, well, I have a family to
Think about. Look, I'm not
Saying no. It--are you kidding?
It's all I've been thinking
About. Right. Ok, I'll see you
On wednesday. Great. Ok.
Megan: what'd you bring me?
Drake: huh? Oh. Here.
Megan: I'm not gonna eat a piece
Of fruit with your freakish dna
Of fruit with your freakish dna all over it.
All over it.
Drake: [scoffs] then don't. Uh,
Josh, can I talk to you
Upstairs?
Josh: no. I'm watching [span]extreme[/span]
[Span]housewives.[/Span]ooh-hoo! Felicia's
Gettin' a tummy tuck!
Drake: come on!
Josh: what?!
Josh: what?
Drake: we've got a problem with
Dad.
Josh: I got him a dandruff
Shampoo.
Drake: this isn't a dandruff
Problem, josh. It's a woman
Problem.
Problem. Josh: dad has cramps?
Josh: dad has cramps?
Drake: listen to me, josh. I
Overheard dad talking on the
Phone and--well, I think he's--
I think he's seeing another
Woman.
Josh: seeing another woman do
What?
Drake: I think he's [span]dating[/span]
Another woman.
Josh: what?! Dad can't be dating
Another woman. He's married to
Our mom! Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha--ooh.
Drake: yeah, ooh.
Josh: but dad's not the kind of
Guy to go running around with
Other women. He loves mom and
Has dandruff.
Drake: oh, yeah? Then why was he
Telling that woman on the phone
That he's "interested" and
She's all he's been thinking
About, huh?
Josh: you overheard him say
That?
Drake: in a hushed tone.
Josh: hushed?
Drake: hushed.
Josh: oh, man. Look, maybe you
Misunderstood.
Drake: yeah. Maybe I didn't.
Josh: all right. Well, let's not
Do anything yet. Let's just,
Um...keep our eyes open for the
Next few days, but don't say
A word to mom.
Drake: no way.
Wait. Hey, uh...you got some
White flakes.
White flakes. Josh: d'oh, it's hereditary!
Josh: d'oh, it's hereditary!
[Door hinge creaks]
Walter: shh.
Walter: shh. [Creaking]
[Creaking]
Walter: aah! Shh.
Hi.
Josh: what's up?
Walter: nothing. What makes you
Think something's up? I mean,
Think something's up? I mean, heh, come on.
Heh, come on.
Josh: where've you been?
Walter: huh?
Josh: where have you been?
Walter: I was, um...out buying
Some milk.
Josh: oh.
Walter: yeah.
Josh: where is it?
Walter: hmm?
Josh: the milk, where is it?
Walter: I drank it on the way
Home.
Josh: ok.
Why are you wearing a suit?
Walter: what, a man can't look
Nice when he goes dairy
Shopping?
Josh: so at midnight, you put on
A suit, drove to the market,
Bought some milk, and then drank
The entire carton on the way
Home?
Walter: look, let's just not
Tell your mom about this. All
Right?
Right? Josh: yeah. Sure.
Josh: yeah. Sure.
Josh: drake! Wake up! Drake!
Drake, I have to talk to you.
Drake, wake up!
Drake, wake up! I have to talk
Drake, wake up! I have to talk to you!
To you!
Hi.
Drake: I'm calling the police.
Josh: look, drake, all right--
You were right.
Drake: great. Can you hand me
That bullhorn?
Josh: sure.
Josh: sure. Drake: thanks.
Drake: thanks.
Drake: thanks. Drake: get off of me!!
Drake: get off of me!!
Now, what was I right about?
Josh: about dad, all right?
I think he is dating another
Woman.
Drake: what happened?
Josh: well, I caught him
Sneaking in. He was wearing a
Suit. When I asked him where
He'd been, he says, "I was out
Buyin' milk, but I drank it all
On the way home."
Drake: oh, that's bad.
Josh: I know.
Drake: we really needed some
Milk.
Josh: this is not about your
Dairy needs!
I can't believe dad's cheating
On mom.
Drake: ok, we don't know for
Sure.
Josh: yeah, well, I gotta know.
Drake: ok, tell you what.
Tomorrow, we'll skip school and
Follow dad around and see what
He's up to.
He's up to. Josh: excu-u-u-use me?
Josh: excu-u-u-use me?
Perfect attendance since nursery
School!
Drake: ah, the golden dork
Award.
Josh: I'm not ditching school.
Drake: so you'll bring in
A doctor's note, and it won't
Count as an absence.
Josh: where am I gonna get
A doctor's note?
Drake: uh, let's see. You
Drake: uh, let's see. You want...smallpox or hemorrhoids?
Want...smallpox or hemorrhoids?
Josh: you see anything?
Drake: no, not yet.
Oh! Oh, wait! Oh, yeah, I see
Something.
Josh: you see dad?
Drake: no, but I see an
Extremely hot girl with
A belly-button ring.
Josh: would you give me those?!
Drake: no. I want 'em.
[Josh babbling gibberish]
Josh: you're a child!
Josh: you're a child! Drake: dad!
Drake: dad!
Drake: what's he doing?
Josh: he's just sitting on
A bench, eating a doughnut.
Drake: what kind of doughnut?
Josh: I see sprinkles. It might
Be jelly-filled. Oh, what
Difference does it make?!
Drake: just try and see if he's
With a woman.
Josh: all right. He's just
Sitting alone, like he has been
All day.
Drake: well, good. Hey, maybe
We're wrong, then, about--
Josh: a woman!
Drake: woman?!
Josh: wo-man!
Drake: well, look and see what
They're doing.
Josh: they're just talking and
Smiling...
And hugging.
Drake: what?
Josh: I can't believe it.
This is horrible. Dad's cheating
On mom. I'm crushed.
Drake: it's ok, brother. I'm--
I'm here for you, man.
Josh: thanks, drake. I--
I just sort of always looked up
To my dad, you know? Like--
Like a role model, so--
So to see him do something like
This, you know, it's so hurtful.
It just makes me feel like--
The attention span of
The attention span of a squirrel!
A squirrel!
Josh: I can't believe dad's
Cheating on mom. This is
Horrible. Horrible!
Drake: don't worry. I'll think
Of something.
Josh: no, all right? You already
Got us detention for skipping
School, [span]and[/span]you mucked up my
Record for perfect attendance,
You--you--you [span]mucker![/Span]
Drake: mucker?
Josh: one who mucks!
I still can't believe this. I
Mean, I don't even know why dad
Would want to date another
Woman.
Drake: that's it!
Josh: that's what?
Drake: the way we get dad to
Forget about his girlfriend is
To remind him how awesome mom
Is.
Is. Josh: that's genius.
Josh: that's genius.
Drake: ooh! Here comes dad.
Josh: wow, mom, this breakfast
You made dad looks amazing.
Hey, dad.
Walter: what's all this?
Drake: mom made you breakfast.
Walter: really? Wow. She really
Went all out.
Josh: yep. Is she an incredible
Woman, or what?
Drake: how lucky are you?
Josh: well, considering I see
Blueberry waffles...i'd say
Very.
Josh: breakfast for one.
Walter: why, thank you very
Much.
Drake: oh, man, I just hope one
Day, I'm lucky enough to marry
A woman who treats me as well as
Mom treats you.
Walter: aha.
Josh: hey, let's not forget
She's pretty, too.
Drake: so pretty.
Josh: you know, there are so
Many great things about mom, you
Couldn't count 'em.
Drake: who could count that
High?
Josh: I know. I mean, I'm in
Algebra , and I still can't--
[Choking]
Josh: are--are you ok?
Drake: what's the matter?
Walter: cu-cu-cumin!
Josh: cumin? Cumin?!
[Gasping for air]
Josh: you put cumin in his
Waffles?!
Drake: you told me to put cumin
In his waffles!
Josh: I said cinnamon. [Span]cinnamon![/Span]
Drake: well, what's the
Difference?
Josh: everything. All right,
Cinnamon is sweet and delicious.
Cumin is a mexican spice. You
Were flavoring a waffle, not
A chimichanga!
Drake: well, so I made a little
Mistake.
Josh: a huge mistake! All right,
Dad's allergic to cumin. He's
Probably in there dying right
Now. Dad!
Dad! Dad, what do I do?!
[Gasping]
Walter: in-haler!
Drake: he said "inhaler."
Josh: I heard him say inhaler!
Help me find it.
[Gasping]
Josh: here. Here. Dad, sit down.
Sit down. Ok, there you go.
Sit down. Ok, there you go. Drake, what do I do?
Drake, what do I do?
Are you ok? Is that better?
Walter: yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Audrey: walter, I am not happy.
Walter: why, because your demon
Waffles didn't k*ll me?!
Audrey: what?
Josh: your hair looks pretty.
Walter: you know I'm allergic to
Cumin.
Audrey: so? What does that have
To do with anything?
Drake: do you think my thumbs
Are the same size?
Josh: one looks thicker.
Audrey: if you want to know why
I'm not happy, it's because when
I got in the shower this
Morning, I found one of these
Again.
Walter: so I left a little hair
In the drain.
Josh: how 'bout those red sox?
They're good, right?
[Clucks tongue]
Audrey: when I take my morning
Shower, I do not enjoy
Stepping on a hamster.
Drake: hey, anyone want
A tangelo?
Josh: mmm. / Tangerine, /...
[Span]ello.[/Span]
Drake: [english accent] 'ello.
Walter: you know what? I'm going
To work.
Audrey: fine. Why don't you take
This with you? I think it might
Be "take your hairball to work"
Day.
Walter: see ya!
Walter: see ya! Audrey: later!
Audrey: later!
Audrey: later! Drake: I like it.
Drake: I like it.
Drake: ok, making dad realize
How great mom is didn't go so
Well.
Josh: don't be so hard on
Yourself. I thought it went
Pretty smooth for a poisoning.
Drake: hey, how about this? How
About we find that woman dad's
Been dating and have a little
Talk with her?
Josh: you mean like, uh...
Little talk?
Drake: uh, no, josh. I mean like
A real talk, you know? We sit
Her down and ask her nicely to
Please leave him alone.
Josh: yeah. I mean, maybe if she
Met us, she'd feel bad about
Stealing dad away from mom and
Messing up our family.
Drake: exactly.
Josh: yeah, but one problem--
How do we find her?
Drake: right. We don't even know
Her name.
Megan: her name's peggy sherman,
And you can find her having
Lunch with dad tomorrow at
A restaurant called "on vine."
Drake: how do you know this?
Megan: I read dad's e-mail.
Josh: how'd you get his
Password?
Megan: it really wasn't that
Hard to figure out. His password
Is...password.
Drake: no way. It's so dumb.
Megan: it's a new kind of dumb.
Josh: yeah, it is.
Drake: going to change your
Password?
Josh: maybe.
Peggy: so, what's it gonna be,
Walter? Are we gonna do this or
Not?
Walter: well, you know I want
To.
Peggy: I don't think you'd
Regret it.
Walter: I'll tell you what
Really excites me about this is
The...
Drake: there they are.
Josh: look at him, lunching it
Up with that skunk bag.
Drake: what do you think they're
Talking about?
Josh: probably where they're
Gonna run off to get married so
They can, you know, kiss and
Whatnot.
Peggy: walter, if you accept
This job, you would be the
Most-watched weatherman in
America.
Walter: I know.
Peggy: [span]good morning today[/span]has an
Audience of million people.
And you'd be making times the
Money you're making now.
Walter: so are you officially
Offering me the job?
Peggy: I told you, I can't go to
My boss until I get a definite
"Yes" from you. Why won't you
Talk to your wife and kids about
It?
Walter: 'cause I don't want 'em
To get all excited, only to have
'Em be disappointed if it
Doesn't happen.
Peggy: look, if you want the
Job as our national weatherman,
I can pretty much guarantee it's
Yours. Yeah.
Walter: wow. This is so
Exciting. I...my lip is
Sweating.
Josh: come on, we gotta get dad
Away from that table.
Drake: oh, watch this.
A meatball. Follow me.
Ready?
Walter: oh! Oh.
Waiter: are you all right?
Peggy: what happened?
Walter: I don't know. I--i think
I was hit by a meatball. Oh,
Look at my shirt and my tie.
I'm gonna go clean up.
Peggy: of course.
Walter: where did...
Drake: ok, that's our cue.
Josh: let's bust us a skunk bag.
Drake: what's up?
Josh: hi.
Peggy: hello. Did I order
Teenagers?
Drake: no. Actually, walter's
Our dad.
Peggy: oh. Ha ha. This is
Awkward. See, I really don't
Think walter wants you to know
What's going on just yet.
Josh: well, we do know what's
Going on. We're not too happy
About it.
Peggy: really? Wow, I thought
Teenage boys would find it
Rather exciting.
Drake: well, we don't, so maybe
You wouldn't mind backing off.
Peggy: ha ha. I don't think so.
Josh: why not?
Peggy: because I want your dad.
Drake: yeah, we know that--
Peggy: granted, I was
Considering a few other men and
One woman, but there's just
Something about your father that
Feels right.
Josh: how nice for you.
Drake: you know he's married.
Peggy: I know. I think this
Could be great for your mother,
Too. Look, when I see someone I
Want, I go after him.
Josh: yeah? Well, when we see
Someone we don't like, we do
This.
Drake: yeah, and sometimes we
Even do this.
Walter: drake, josh, what have
You done?
Peggy: walter, if this is how
You raise your children to
Behave, then I have no interest
In pursuing you any further.
Both: yes.
Walter: peggy, please.
Walter: peggy, please. Peggy: good-bye, walter.
Peggy: good-bye, walter.
Josh: we know you're mad.
Drake: but we had to do it.
Josh: we couldn't let that skunk
Bag steal you away from mom.
Drake: and ruin our whole
Family.
Josh: don't worry.
Drake: we won't tell mom about
This little episode.
Josh: we got your back.
Walter: you think I was dating
That woman?
Josh: well, uh...
Drake: yeah.
Walter: boys, that "skunk bag"
Just happens to be the senior
Producer of [span]good morning today,[/span]
And she was talking to me about
Being the weatherman on the
Number one national morning show
In america!!
Josh: that's different.
Drake: yeah. We're gonna go.
Josh: bye.
Walter: no, you're not. You're
Gonna do something else.
Josh: right.
Drake: no problem.
Josh: now?
Josh: now? Walter: uh-huh.
Walter: uh-huh.
Josh: rrooowww!
Drake: where'd the lobster bite
You?
Josh: is megan still in the
Room?
Drake: yeah.
Josh: tell you later. You bad
Lobsters.
Megan: what were you two talking
About?
Drake: uh, we were just talking
About, uh...you know.
Josh: uh, geometry.
Drake: chatting about geometry.
Megan: then tell me a little
About geometry. Drake, I like to
Learn.
Drake: well, geometry, you see
Is all about shapes, like
Circles, which are circular, and
It's their circularity which
Contributes to the roundness of
Them.
Josh: I'll give you bucks to
Spill that glass of water on the
Guy at table .
Waiter: uh, sure.
Man: aah, water!
Drake: you sent him to the wrong
Table.
Josh: thanks for the update.
03x05 - The Affair
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Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.
Series follows two teenage stepbrothers Drake Parker and Josh Nichols as they live together despite opposite personalities.