Dads, The (2023)

[bunniefuu]

My name is Stephen Chukumba,

and I'm the father of Hobbes.

My name is Frank Gonzales,

and I am the father of Libby Gonzales.

My name's Jose Trujillo,

and I'm the father of Dan.

My name is Peter Betz,

and I am the father of Samantha.

My name is Wayne Maines,

and I'm the father of Nicole Maines.

My name is Dennis Shepard.

I am the father of Matthew Shepard.

[soft music playing]

[Dennis] Last time I went fishing

was in August of 1998.

It was a family reunion in the Bighorns.

It was, uh, the last fishing trip

that we had with Matt.

I still remember running the loop through

and running the...

the lures or the... the swivel down

and tightening it,

and then tying a double knot.

Even if it's been 25 years,

you never lose that.

It's, uh, ingrained in your...

in your memory.

[soft music continues playing]

[Peter] The peacefulness

of standing out there on the water

and, like, looking around

and quietly fishing,

but knowing that you all have

each other's back,

and you're there for each other.

[Frank] I think back

to some of the outdoors experiences

that I've had with my dad.

This is what I want to pass on to my kids.

Respecting nature, loving nature.

But it's not safe for us all the time.

[Stephen] I definitely think

about my child's safety

when he leaves the house.

He is a Black man.

He is a Black trans man.

He's a Black trans man in America.

It's a constant conversation

I have with myself

because I know

that all parts of this country

are not safe for trans people.

[indistinct background conversation]

[Peter] In my daughter's case,

she grew up in the same town

and transitioned in that town.

And it was... seemed like it was fine,

and then she started

to get a false sense of security,

and when she started to talk

to the other classmates about it,

that's when it went really bad

and started losing all of her friends.

Do you think it was

the parent?

[Peter] I think

there was a parent component

because, simultaneously,

we lost all of our friends as well.

The America that I grew up idolizing,

you worked hard, and you were successful.

You could be anything you wanted to be.

But not these kids.

- I'm happy that we're at this table.

- [Peter] Right.

With all of our different backgrounds,

seeing the same f*cked-up shit

happening to all of us,

and disabusing us from the belief

that this is some happy melting pot

where we can all just...

Like, that's bullshit.

[Jose] I came here

when I was nine years old. I'm 40.

I still have this feeling

of "I'm not in the right place."

And then I realize, uh,

it's kinda smoke and mirrors

because my trans son, who was born here,

is not just being questioned, uh,

with his rights and everything.

His humanity is being questioned.

My son came out,

and I didn't know anything from anything,

but I knew one of my fraternity brothers

was a pediatric psychiatrist,

and so I talked to him,

and he was just like, "Frat...

people aren't gonna tell you this,

people aren't gonna talk to you like this,

but I'm gonna tell you this right now,

if we was in my house,

that shit wouldn't be going down."

I had a therapist in the very beginning,

when we didn't even understand,

tell us that my profession

wasn't, um, masculine enough.

The life-changing moment

was meeting Wayne.

Being able to talk to another parent,

particularly another father.

My biggest regret

is how I pushed back on my daughter,

tried to get her

to wear different clothes.

It's a guilt I'll probably carry with me

for the rest of my life.

I took it as...

"I'm not engaging my child enough."

And so I pushed really hard.

"We're gonna throw the pigskin."

We had been fighting for so long

what we already knew.

The tipping point was Christmas.

My daughter didn't get

anything she wanted.

She got all stereotypical boys',

uh, things, boys' clothes.

The next year, she just wanted Santa

to turn her into a girl.

[Stephen] When my son first told me

that he felt like he was a boy,

I was confused because I was by myself.

I didn't have my wife,

who was the person on the front lines,

who could have figured it all out.

[Wayne] I'm one of the first dads

in the country to have a trans kid

who was out and open in school.

It was national news.

So I'd go out in the woods

and just escape.

One day, I was out, I was all alone.

I'm cutting this tree down.

Then, this branch comes down.

I just dodged being k*lled.

I sat down, and I said,

"What the hell are you afraid of?"

It wasn't Nicole.

It was me.

I was uncomfortable around my own child.

[Dennis] I'm the old geezer

who went through this 20 years ago.

[newsreader] The victim of what many

people say was a hate crime in Wyoming

this morning has died.

Twenty-one-year-old Matthew Shepard

was found beaten and unconscious last week

near the University of Wyoming.

[Dennis] Walking into that hospital room,

that's when we knew

that something's not right here.

He was our son first,

and we didn't care if he was

straight, gay...

He was our son.

They're fighting the same battle

right now.

Only it's worse.

[Wayne] This is almost... It's a little

smaller than the one I caught.

[Peter] This might be the one I caught.

I think this one is mine.

- This one's yours?

- [Peter] Yeah.

- [Jose] Oh, no, this one is mine.

- It was all of yours put together, right?

[Frank] Compliments to the chef.

Cheers to some amazing dads.

[glasses clink]

[Frank] Amazing men. I love you.

[indistinct chatter]

[Stephen] As a single dad

with nobody to bounce

any of this shit off of,

I'd be like, "I can't fail them.

Like, I can't fail my kids."

I'm not even talking about my trans child.

- I'm talking about all my kids.

- Yeah.

[Stephen] You hear what I'm saying?

Everybody's impacted by what happens.

Absolutely right.

[Stephen] My wife passed away.

You know, the person

who set up these kids to be successful

while I was working is gone.

And now I'm dealing

with my child identifying as... Like...

- "What?"

- [Wayne] You lost your partner, your wife.

- You know, man, I did not know that.

- Yeah.

And it's one of those things where it's

just like you gotta keep moving forward.

Like, your kids need that stability.

They need me to be present

and on the front line.

I'm aware that I cannot do it alone.

As much as, like, you know, you...

you know, put on your cape

and, you know, you do what you gotta do,

the reality is that we cannot survive

in isolation from one another.

Finding you all

saved my life.

[Wayne] It wasn't about fishing.

It was about sharing.

A chance for them

to escape for a little while.

So many trans families don't make it

because the dads aren't on board.

They gotta fight

and figure out why they're afraid.

[Dennis] Dads have that masculine image

they want to try and keep up.

They have to get out and speak.

They have to show people

that they support their child, uh, 100%.

[Frank] It was important for me,

as a father, to speak out.

It was a healing thing.

[Jose] The thread that connects us all

is that we love our children

and are willing

to put everything on the line

for other people's children as well.

[Peter] In some ways,

it's gotten a lot better,

and then in other ways,

it's also a very scary time.

We all need to get back into the fight.

[Stephen] We're not doing it

with our heads bowed.

We're doing it

with a full-throated support

of this movement.

We're letting people know we're here.

We're not gonna shy away.

We're not gonna be in the shadows.

We're not gonna be scared.

We're gonna confront this head-on

because that's all we can do.

We have to make the way safe

for our children.

[gentle blues music playing]