02x29 - Deadbeat Poets Society

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

So, this is fun with fungi.

The red one is nice to beet you,

and you've got crazy curry tofu.

Wicked cool names.

I know. I'm, like, an inventor.

But maybe giving these to your friends to test

isn't such a good idea.

Why? They love food.

They're usually broke, so they're not that picky.

Cool.

And so, that's how I got the idea

to put the beets through the blender.

Have you ever seen worms in a blender?

Does she ever stop talking?

Never.

So, come on, guys. Give it a try.

JUDE: It's free, dudes.

Hey, what's that?

What?

Nothing. I thought I saw the Easter Bunny.

What are you doing, Wyatt?

Shh. Hiding from Serena.

Check this out. Three-pointer.

(Wyatt shouting)

You've got to work on your free throws.

That is just so sad.

JUDE: Look at the bright side.

At least it wasn't a chili bowl, dude.

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

♪ In a place where we belong

♪ I'm

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Going to start at the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own for the first time ♪

♪ I'm , life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good times last ♪

♪ I'm , I'm

♪ Got to make the good times last ♪

Wyatt, man, do the words "shred of dignity"

mean anything to you?

Talk to me when someone

rips your heart out and steps on it.

Ouch. You might want to consider

getting off the bitter train, Wyatt.

CAITLIN: Nikki is right.

All this pent-up anger is not good for you.

NIKKI: Totally.

Hey, have you had a coffee yet?

No.

And why not?

Because Serena was at Grind Me

with Sharmaine and I couldn't go in.

I'll go to Grind Me with you, Wyatt.

You need your coffee.

Maybe I should just join a monastery.

Then I wouldn't have to worry about girls.

Okay. Now you're talking freaky talk.

I'm off to work.

Let's go.

JONESY: This is cool, man.

I feel like a doctor. Do I get a stethoscope?

No.

Now, you'll have to take the pharmaceutical oath.

Repeat after me: I promise to keep

all customer information confidential.

Right. That's cool. I can dig it.

Okay. Say it.

Say it.

Okay. I promise to keep

all customer information confidential.

Good, good. I'll be in the back.

Can I help you?

No. I mean, maybe.

Don't be shy.

Discretion is my middle name. I've taken the oath.

(Whispering indistinctly)

Hey, Mr. Goldstein, what do we give people

for really serious constipation?

(Gasping)

(Giggling) (Giggling)

Are you sure you don't want to just come up with me?

Serena is not here.

Yeah, but Sharmaine is her best friend.

She probably hates me now, too.

She does not hate you.

They're all sisters.

(Groaning)

Hey, girl. What's up?

Hey. Can I get a double tall cappuccino,

extra hot, extra foam?

Double tall cappuccino, extra hot, extra foam, huh?

That sounds a lot like someone else's usual order.

Coming right up.

You know, he can come in and order it himself.



I won't bite.

That's what I told him.

He's really taking this whole breakup thing hard.

Thanks.

You can order from her from now on.

Really? Yes.

See? I told you she wouldn't hold it against you.

(Gasping) She stiffed me on the foam.

She what? The foam.

I asked for extra foam and she gave me less than normal.

So, okay, maybe she just forgot.

Or maybe there was a foam shortage.

There was no foam shortage.

This is payback for yelling at Serena.

Uh, she's getting back at you with foam?

I need another cappuccino so I can do a foam comparison test.

Well, don't look at me. I've got to get back to work.

Hmm.

Okay. Wyatt is really losing it.

Yeah. Yesterday he went postal on the pizza guy.

Our new hair colour is so fetch.

So glad we went brunette.

Yeah.

(Both squealing)

Don't lean too close.

We can't let Coach Halder know we're dating, remember?

push-ups?

Right. So, how's your friend Wyatt?

We're trying to get him to cheer up, but nothing's working.

Wow. That's a real...

...bummer.

Hello? Over here.

What, what? Oh, oh, yeah.

Uh, what was I saying?

What was that?

Uh, what was what?

That. You like her.

No, I don't.

I mean, she's cute, but--

Oh, what, because she's blonde?

No. I mean, I don't know.

So, you don't like blondes?

No, no, no. I like blondes.

So, you were flirting with her.

No, I-- Help.

Argh!

(Screaming) Oof.

So, the guy is obsessing over foam.

Wow. I thought I had issues.

Hey, if you're not going to drink that, I'll have it.

Can I take a break?

I don't know, man. We're pretty busy here.

(Crickets chirping)

All right, fine.

Don't ever say I'm not a great boss, okay?

Hey. If that were alive, you could have k*lled it.

Think you can, you know, keep an eye on him?

Sure. If he makes a run for it,

I'll just give him the sleeper grip.

Hey.

WYATT: Wha'?

There you are.

I told you not to run off like that.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's really into measuring things.

Oof.

% foam. I knew it! She only gave me %.

Okay. Sit down.

So, I think I know what your problem is.

I have a problem? Yeah.

You need a healthy way to cleanse your aura

without bugging the crap out of all your friends.

Okay. What do you think I should do?

Hey, Wyatt.

Hey, what's up?

It's the hottest spoken word poetry place around,

and I scored you a spot in the lineup.

Oh, no. No way.

SHARMAINE: Welcome to Expresso Yourself night at Grind Me.

Our first poet is one of our regulars, Coach Halder.

(Snapping fingers)

(Clearing throat) Riding the bench.

Hard cold wood under my butt.

Feels kind of like pavement after a while.

Or just a hard desk chair.

I didn't make the cut.

I'm not good enough. Put me in, coach.

De-fence! De-fence. De--

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Next up is a brand-new poet.

Let's have some snaps for Wyatt Williams.

(Snapping fingers)

I don't think I'm ready for this.

It'll be good for you. You need to get it out.

Ugh!

Just think about Serena.

Hot record-store girl with the fly jeans, you suck.

I hate your stupid jeans,



and I hate your new boyfriend's stupid hair.

You made me look like a jerk.

You ditched me, left me, and you suck.

I wish I'd never met you.

(Screaming)

(Cheering and applause)

Wow.

It's like you just threw up your soul and we all got to see it.

Why do I feel so, so light?

You just let all of your getting-dumped baggage

out of your system.

I have to do this again.

But don't tell the g*ng. They'd just laugh.

Okay. Pinky swear.

And brought me a bag full of goldfish.

But then, this other guy cut them all in half except for one.

And I named him Left Fin because he had his right fin cut off.

(Snoring)

And he just swam in these big circles.

Oh. Hey, Wyatt.

Hey, guys. Don't you just love Fridays?

Uh, are you okay?

Totally. Sorry, Star. Finish your story.

Okay. So, I was having this party--

Oh, no. Look at the time.

Aren't you guys going to be late for work?

Oh, right. Got to go.

Bye.

Come by later.

I think I figured out a really good new meal.

(Chuckling)

(Chuckling)

See you.

Bye. Later.

Okay. What is with Wyatt?

He actually sounded happy.

Exactly. Something's up.

You don't just go from miserable to happy.

Maybe he found a new girlfriend.

Well, I'm going to find out.

Who's up for some undercover action?

I'm in.

Ugh. I would,

but I've got to get back to Blonde and Blonder,

who are now brunettes for some reason.

(Sighing)

I guess I should really go to work.

Okay. It's you and me, Caitlin.

Oh, no.

(Gasping) Our hair is so yesterday.

We have to be blonde again.

Nikki, watch the store.

"Nikki, watch the store."

"Nikki, fold the shirts."

Ugh. Why do I always feel like the ugly stepsister?

Ooh, can I answer this one?

Oh, bite me.

WYATT: Hey, Coach Halder.

Just wanted to say good job last night.

Angry jilted guy!

You going to be there tonight?

Got a little ditty about golf I was going to perform.

Yeah, I think I will.

What could Wyatt and Coach Halder

possibly have to talk about?

CHARLIE: Jen, is that you?

Um, uh, hi.

What did you do to your hair?

Nothing.

Why, do you like it?

I love it.

But you didn't have to go blonde just for me.

I didn't. I mean--

Come on. Huh?

Uh, ooh. Got to run. Bye.

Hello.

(Chuckling) Yo.

(Bongo drums sounding)

WYATT: Where was the crossing guard

when I was crossing Lover's Lane?

Where was the guard when I got mowed down

by a sedan named Woman? (Mic feeding back)

You should have honked your horn, Woman.

I didn't see you coming, Woman. Bam!

BOTH (Gasping): Wyatt?

(Groaning)

Wyatt is doing poetry?

This I have got to see.

Jonesy, you can't say anything.

There's obviously a reason

Wyatt didn't want us to find out.

Find out about what?

He's reciting poetry at Grind Me.

(Laughing)

Oh, man.

None of you were supposed to know about this.

I didn't tell anyone.

It's my fault.

I just wanted to know what was going on with you.

And you didn't trust me to tell you when I was ready?index: , start: ,…}



NIKKI: Hey, guys. Tell her what?

That Wyatt is in a slam poetry contest tomorrow.

Oops.

All right. So, you all know. Let the ribbing begin.

Forsooth, where doth I start?

Can we come watch?

No. Please, guys.

Just let me do this on my own.

But we want to support you.

You wouldn't be into it.

How do you know?

It's just that it kind of takes a certain amount of maturity.

So, we're not grown-up enough?

We can be mature.

I'm not really mature, but I'd kind of like to see it.

Oh, don't bother, Jude.

Obviously Wyatt here thinks it's way above us.

No. I just don't think you can handle it, that's all.

Oh, that's it?

I don't even want to go to this stupid poetry thing,

but I'm going, baby.

Fine. It's at : sharp.

Do you think you guys can watch without laughing?

Are you kidding? This is going to be hilarious.

Jonesy, you can't laugh, no matter how funny it is.

Jen is right.

Now, who has a good technique for not laughing?

Okay. I clench my teeth together really tight,

stare straight ahead and count to .

I just think of dead kittens.

Ew. Ew.

What?

You're not laughing, are you?

(Sniffing) Hey, what smells so good?

My newest creation.

Who wants one?

So, what were those, anyway?

Colon blow bean burritos.

Yeah. You might want to consider renaming them.

Beans are really good for your digestive tract.

Oh, no. Beans make me--

Fart?

Not me.

Thanks to all those step classes I do,

I've got the butt muscles of Baryshnikov.

Ugh. These are so itchy.

Why don't you take yours off?

I can't.

I made this big fuss about how Charlie was staring at blondes,

and now he thinks I dyed my hair for him.

And he--

Okay. Uh, can we get back on topic here?

Wyatt, poetry, no laughing?

Right.

Pretend we're listening to poetry.

(Clearing throat)

(Giggling)

(Laughing)

(All laughing)

Jonesy?

What? You all look like constipated librarians.

Well, we have to get it under control before tonight

or we're dead. Okay. One, two, three.

(Snickering)

(All laughing)

Remember, do not make fun of anyone

until we're at least steps away.

I don't care if you have to bite your tongues off.

Do it for Wyatt.

WAYNE: What is cool?

That elusive, evasive, elastic entity.

Fluid like the water, man, the water in the pool, man.

I'd dive in. But I'd probably drown,

'cause my dad never taught me to swim, man.

I leave you here with this:

who cares?

(Snapping fingers)

(Mic feeding back)

Shock and awe.

An ode to jungle combat.

You think you can escape from reality?

I am reality.

Do what you're told, soldier,

or the machine breaks down.

We break down.

It all goes downhill, soldier.

Run.

Dank. Dark.

Swampy prison.

Fear is good.

Smell that fear.

Now, run, soldier, run!

That didn't make me want to laugh.

Okay.

Uh, next up is Julie performing "My Womanhood."

I am woman.

(Roaring)

(Giggling)

I prowl through the warm night,

hunting the taste of your lips



on my lips.

Unleash my inner woman.

Make me purr.

(Stifling a laugh)

(Snapping fingers)

Powerful stuff.

Now, please welcome our newest regular, Wyatt.

(Clearing throat)

Who said you could dump me like that?

Who said you could treat me like that?

(Snoring)

Who do you think I am, woman?

Now the mall no longer feels like home.

Now your friend gives me half as much foam.

Someday you'll pay the price.

(Stomach gurgling) (Giggling)

Someday your life won't seem so nice,

'cause you're a taker, woman.

You're a nasty taker.

(Stomach gurgling)

(Flatulence sounding)

(Laughing)

(Gasping)

(Laughing)

Argh.

(Mic feeding back)

Wyatt, we are so sorry.

Yeah. It was all Caitlin's fault.

Yeah. What happened, Baryshnikov?

I thought you had buns of steel.

Don't blame her. It was the bean burritos.

WYATT: Are you all through?

Good.

I don't want to hear anything

any of you has to say.

Uh-oh.

You promised you wouldn't laugh.

I tried, but I couldn't hold it in.

I'm never going to be able to face those people again.

I don't think it's your face they're worried about.

It's all my fault.

They said you couldn't put five different beans in one burrito,

but I had to go and, like, push the envelope.

NIKKI: Whoa there, bean girl.

There might be a way for you to make it up to us and to Wyatt.

Hmm. Hello?

KIRSTEN: We're in here.

Hey, guys, what's up?

KRISTEN: We couldn't leave the store.

I think you're taking this "I love Khaki Barn" thing

a little too far.

KIRSTEN: No. I mean, we can't leave.

It's too humiliating.

Don't look at us!

We're hideous.

(Chuckling) Oh, wow.

We must have over-processed.

You have to help us fix this.

We'll do anything you want.

Anything? Okay.

I want the whole rest of the weekend off. Paid.

Done.

And I want you to say

I'm the most stylish girl you've ever met.

Fine.

Okay. Okay.

You're the most stylish girl we've ever met.

And you wish you were me.

And we wish we were you.

But sadly, we're just a couple of fashion sheep.

But sadly, we're just a couple of fashion sheep.

All right, then. Hang tight.

Wicked wigs, Nikki. Thanks.

We look so fetch.

Okay, okay. Poem for Wyatt. Let's focus.

Right. Hey, Jen, what's with making your boyfriend

pick up your chick stuff at the pharmacy?

What are you talking about?

Fashionable Woman magazine

and a box of tampons?

Talk about turning him into a wuss.

But I didn't--

Jen? You're a brunette again.

I suppose you're disappointed.

No. I, I--

At least I didn't cheat on you.

I didn't cheat on you.

Oh, yeah?

Who were the Fashionable Woman magazine and tampons for, huh?

My mom.

Ew.

Dude, that's even worse than

your girlfriend making you get them.

You told her what I bought?

I thought you were cheating on her.

So, you're not cheating on me?

No. Do you always jump to conclusions?

(Chuckling) Yeah.

So, are we okay, then?

STUART: No, Jonesy.



You broke the pharmaceutical oath. You're fired.

(Chuckling)

Okay. Are we ready?

All set.

Okay. You guys go get Wyatt.

We'll be waiting at the rendezvous.

We have a sick surprise for you.

(Pages flapping)

And if you don't come with us right now,

I'm going to kick your butt.

Oh, for the love of Pamela Anderson,

will you just get this over with?

Wyatt, you forgive them. You guys, whatever.

You seem sorry. Good enough for me.

Everyone copacetic?

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Good.

Now, buzz off.

We're sorry we laughed.

Caitlin's butt just had to blast.

If you take us back as your friends...

...we'll never come to one of your poetry readings again.

(Audience members booing)

WOMAN: I want my money back.

(Snapping fingers)

Nice try, guys.

That was terrible.

But I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.

So, you forgive us?

Yeah, sure.

(Squealing)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Aw.

MAN: Hey! You're the fart girl.

(All laughing)

(Crying)

♪