01x02 - The Big Sickie

[bunniefuu]

I understand now.

It's, like, looking into the

heart of the universe and

finding, like, only your own

soul, and it's yellow.

[Gasping]

Ouch!

Gotcha, lemonhead.

Nice shot, dude.

You're so never getting these

back, ya little brat.

WOMAN: Ahem.

Here ya go.

[Blowing raspberry]

[Sighing]

I live in a lemon.

There's no amount of foundation

that can hide my shame.

I hear ya, brah.

I mean, workin' at Stick-It

looks easy, but-- Whoa.

Wait a second.

It is easy.

One more day.

Just one more day.

What's with him?

Ah!

Dude, you look terrible.

There's a sale on country

records this week.

All week!

That doesn't sound so bad.

You don't understand.

All they've been playing is

country music.

I've had discussions about old

country versus new country, and

I'm starting to form an opinion.

Dude, no.

Dude, yes.

Don't touch that.

It's therapy.

Chill, man.

I don't hear anything.

White noise.

It clears your mind of all

music, the way sorbet cleanses

the palate.

Dude.

I think you should take that

away from him.

You don't want him to accidently

erase any more brain cells.

If I hear "Bobby's Gotta Fry"

one more time, I'm gonna full on

lose it.

I mean it.

No middle ground.

How many coffees have you had

today?

Three, not counting this.

I didn't get any sleep last

night.

I was afraid to have the dream

again.

What dream?

The one about the cowboy who

thinks I'm the one who ran away

with his wife to the big city,

and he's coming to kick my--

Aah!

[Screaming]

What's the rush, man?

You look familiar.

What's your name, again?

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

starting to find my way ♪

♪ Got a new job

gonna start at the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪ I'm sixteen, I'm sixteen

♪ Got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

It was just a dream, Wyatt.

Not all cowboys are out to get

you.

I need a lemonwhip, fast.

I'm on it.

Man, if I'm late, I'm toast!

Hey, guys.

What's up?

Hi, Nikki!

Anyway, what's with you?

I'm just a little tense about

work.

Coach kicking your butt

again?

He's like this psycho prison

guard.

I just got off probation, and if

I'm late I'll go right back on.

But you're the best worker,

like, ever.

Yeah, like, really.

I'm just trying to--

[Gasping]

So... what are you on

probation for?

I folded some sweatshirts

instead of hanging them on the

rack.

And you didn't get jail time?

Here, try this.

[Slurping]

[Sputtering]

This sucks.

I haven't exactly gotten to

lemonwhips in the manual yet.

Ladies, gentlemen, one and

all.

The Jonesmeister is here.

Nice outfit.

You like it.

Uh, you look like an idiot.

Insult me all you like.

I know you want me.

What's with the long faces?

ALL: Work sucks.

Whoa.

I feel your pain, and I have

come to the rescue.

You're looking at the newest

staff member at the Galleria

Mall Amusement Park.

Dude!

Dude!

Great, and I have to spend

the afternoon ducking rednecks.

Do you, though?

Take a day off, and I'll sneak

you into the amusement park for

an all expenses paid mental

health day.

Can you do that?

Oh yeah.

There's a side door.

I can sneak you all in.

It'd be better than working.

I'm in.

Anything would be better than

another minute in a giant lemon.

No way.

There's no way I'm calling in

sick and going to the amusement

park.

Uh, why not?

Hello!

I just got off probation.

If I get caught, I might get

fired.

That's not so bad.

It happens to me every day.

Come on, Jen.

It'll be fun!

Well...

What am I thinking?

No!

I've gotta go to work.

Jen, it's your duty to take

the day off work.

No, it's your destiny.

Destiny?

He's on a roll.

Calling in sick is, like, a

necessary part of the

evolutionary process.

What are you talking about?

Where would the human race be

without the sick day?

We'd still be livin' trees,

eating bananas, and fish, and

things.

We're humans because, millions

of years ago, some ape took a

day off and invented tools.

That ape decided I'm not going

in to the tree today.

I'm going to go build a small

car out of rocks, or maybe teach

a cow to give me some milk.

[Jen grumbling]

Next thing you know, we're

golfin' on the moon.

Which further illustrates my

point, because even, like, at

the point where the astronauts

were pulling this mad historical

move, they recognized the

opportunity for goofing off.

It's, like, one small step for

man, dude, let's spin a few

donuts in my moon buggy.

The sick day isn't just a fun

thing to do, it's a fundamental

right of every man, woman, and

child.

[Cheering]

Where's Jen?

She left a couple of minutes

ago.

Bummer.

Good speech, though.

I gotta rock.

Are you guys in?

Definitely we're in.

We?

Since when were you part of we.

I'll be the judge of this.

She's hot, she's fun, she's in.

I'll be at the park.

Call me on my cell when you're

on your way.

Later.

It is now : hours.

We make our excuses at our

respective places of employment

and rendezvous back here at

: hours.

Mark.

ALL: Mark.

Okay then!

Hey, do you guys know who my

boss is?

WOMAN: Welcome to the Khaki

Barn!

Have a khaki day!

NIKKI: Listen up.

I'm taking the day off.

This may be short notice, but I

have this friend who arrived

suddenly from out of town.

Now, this friend, uh, she comes

once a month to see me, and

quite frankly, I don't enjoy her

visits.

In fact, she makes me kind of

crazy.

So, for your safety and the

safety of the fine patrons of

the Khaki Barn, I'm taking the

day off.

Any objections?

Fine.

See ya.

[Country music playing]

[Wyatt groaning]

Wyatt, what's wrong, man?

Migraine.

Too much Pixie Hicks.

Can't take the whining.

Losing my sense of self.

Man, I understand.

I've been there.

Go home.

Get into a dark room, put on

some Coldplay, or some old

Talking Heads can help.

Radiohead.

Even better.

[Groaning]

Mission accomplished.

Hmm.

There.

Nope.

Sweet.

[Clearing throat]

Excuse me, dude.

Can I have the Polish sausage

Stick-It?

Flawless.

I rule.

[Clearing throat]

[Phone beeping]

NIKKI: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Hey, what's up?

Nikki, mission accomplished.

I'm heading for the rendezvous

point.

Me too.

Have you heard from Jude?

[Beeping]

Hey, what's up?

Hey, Jude.

I've conferenced you in.

Wyatt?

Hey, dude.

Hey.

[Beeping]

Wyatt.

Hey, hang on.

I'll conference you in.

Hello?

Jonesy.

Nikki!

Dude.

Jude.

[Beeping]

Oh, hang on.

I've got a call.

Hey, it's me.

Oh, it's you.

Hang on.

Guys, I've conferenced in Malibu

Juice Barbie.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Are you guys all set?

We're all at the rendezvous.

Wait a minute.

Where's Jen?

Hang on, I'll conference her in.

Boy, the graphite seems to

have a greater tensile strength,

allowing me to utilize all the

power I can generate in my

swing, don't you find?

Absolutely, sir.

It's very strong.

Of course, the wood has a

pleasing traditional aesthetic

quality that will impress the

ladies at the club.

And, well, that's important too,

right.

That's true.

If they're over .

[Phone ringing]

Excuse me for a second,

please.

Hello?

NIKKI: Jen, where are you?

Yeah, we're totally waiting

for you at the lemon.

Come on!

I told you, I'm not coming.

But it won't be the same

without you.

Ow!

Come on, Jen.

It'll be fun.

I can't.

I don't want to lose my job.

I'm trying to be responsible.

That's so overrated.

I've gotta go.

Ow.

Oopsie!

Ow!

Ow.

Urgh, I'm hanging up now.

I've got golf balls to clean up.

Ow, ouchie.

Owie, ow.

Ooh.

So, what'll it be?

Wood or graphite.

[Man moaning]

I guess Jen's out.

I'm not giving up yet.

Give us an hour, Jonesy.

She'll be there.

Jen seems to have lost her

perspective in this particular

situation.

For once you've made a truly

lucid comment.

No need to insult me, dude.

It's up to us to give her

that perspective back.

It's time for an intervention.

All right, you guys.

I have a plan.

Sweet.

I'm in.

Hang on.

Ready!

Ooh, wait.

I made this last week.

It'll be the perfect cover.

"Closed for emergency

pedicure."

Okay, here's what we do.

WOMAN: Welcome to the Khaki

Barn!

Have a khaki day!

[Pop music playing]

My friend says I need

shopping therapy.

I'm going to use my employee

discount for these items, and

these, and these.

You know, I think that today the

employee discount is %, hmm?

Any problems with that?

Good, put it on my tab.

Later.

Do you have capris to match

this?

Come on!

If you're going to follow me

around, you might as well make

yourself useful.

Are you going to let me in on

your plan now?

Just leave it to the

professionals.

Here ya go.

Two name tags.

CAITLIN: Hey!

Oof!

Whoa.

Excuse me, could I please

have some service?

Hello!

Could I please have some

service, please.

Could I?

JUDE: Dude.

Yo, sorry.

WYATT: What?

Oh, nasty.

Ugh, why don't they ever

clean these washrooms?

They're totally gag worthy.

Yeah, like, totally.

You know, you're, like,

totally putting the itch in b--

Whoa, my little lemon

squeezing waif.

You think you can just waltz

into our lives and join the

crew, like some kind of

insta-friend?

I've known these guys since

kindergarten!

We have history.

All I know about you is that you

wear a lot of pink.

I didn't think I could hold

my breath that long.

NIKKI: Let's see.

Hmm, not bad.

Where are the name tags?

I left them on the counter.

Well, go get them.

I'll meet you at the Penalty Box

in .

I can't go back in there.

I-- I can't.

You can!

I can't.

We'll do it together.

[Inhaling]

[Giggling]

Oh, brother.

Ugh, why is it guys can make

all kinds of stinks themselves--

But they can't stand anyone

else's?

Oh, I know.

Mmm, let's go.

We've got work to do.

We do?

Come on!

WYATT: Oh my lord.

Why?

Why?

JUDE: Dude, don't look in

stall two, whatever you do.

[Wyatt yelling]

JUDE: Dude, I told you not to

look.

[Phone ringing]

Uh, Penalty Box, where we

always get two minutes for

slashing prices.

Coach Halder here.

NIKKI: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]I need to talk to

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Jennifer Masterson, please.

COACH: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]This phone isn't for

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]personal calls.

It's an emergency.

This is her sister Vicki.

Uhm, her aunt has had a terrible

fall, and we need Jen to come to

the hospital right away.

Oh my.

I'll get her right away.

Wait, wait, hold it up, Smoky.

On her application, Jen didn't

mention any sisters.

Uh, I suffer from chronic

shyness, so Jen didn't mention

me because it might expose me to

emotional distress.

She has to come quickly.

Aunt Beryl hit her head and lost

her memory, and she's--

[Sobbing]

She's calling out for Jen.

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]If she's lost her memory, how

? [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]can she be calling out for Jen

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]How 'bout that, huh?

[span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Huh?

Uh, it's a medical mystery,

but that's what she keeps

screaming over and over.

Jen.

Jen.

Jen.

I'll get Jen right away.

Hurry, man.

Hurry!

Masterson!

Phone.

An emergency at home.

Your Aunt Beryl had a fall.

My aunt who?

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

We're breaking you out.

I'm not going.

Why don't you just go with

Caitlin and the guys?

Little miss powder puff?

Are you kidding me?

You can't ditch me with her.

I told you, I'm not going.

Leave me alone!

You need this sick day more

than you know.

What now?

Plan B.

Awesome.

This high def is like you're

actually in the movie.

[Phone ringing]

[Wyatt gasping]

Come on!

Where are they?

They should be here by now.

We'll have to stall.

Leave it to me.

We don't need longer, thicker

lashes right this minute.

Let a professional work.

Ouch.

[Crying]

What the--

Caitlin!

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]: Oh, Jen.

You've got to come.

Aunt Beryl isn't going to make

it.

Get off me.

I'm not coming, and that's

final.

You'll never forgive yourself

if you don't come.

We need y'all.

What's going on over here?

Coach Halder, she's so brave.

She doesn't want to leave work,

even to see her poor, dyin' Aunt

Betty-- Beryl.

But we need her!

We need her strength more than

ever.

Huh, the girl's got talent.

Finally!

Oh no.

It's more desperate than I

thought.

[Sobbing]

Oh, I'm so glad you're here,

paramedic John Gage and Dude I'm

Totally a Paramedic.

We're here to take you to the

hospital.

Yeah, like, stat.

I am not going anywhere.

She's in denial.

Do something!

You'd better go, Jen.

Your aunt may not have much

time.

I'm not going anywhere.

This is all a load of--

[Jen mumbling]

She's in shock.

Start a Ringer lactate solution.

CCs Ritalin, stat.

You guys--

[Jen mumbling]

[Jen grunting]

I think we're going to have

to, like, restrain her.

Stat.

You take as long as you need,

Jen.

We're all about family here at

the Penalty Box.

Some things are even more

important than work.

JEN: Let me outta here!

You guys are dead.

Wow, I wish I was a

paramedic.

Stat, stat!

Oh, that's fun.

Aunt Beryl has you to thank

for fulfillin' her dyin' wish.

Hey, don't you work in the

lemon?

Yeah!

Small world, huh?

[Phone ringing]

Penalty Box, Coach Halder

speaking.

[DEEP]: Yes.

[Clearing throat]

Hello, this is Jen's father.

We need her to come home right

now.

There's a-- Been a--

[Clearing throat]

Food fight.

Food's everywhere.

We need someone to clean it up.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I'll send her home right

away.

Yeah.

Thank you!

Ahem.

[DEEP]: Thank you.

Oh, I'm good.

Cover me!

[Jen sputtering]

You guys are so dead when I get

off this thing.

Don't be mad, Jen.

We did it for you.

If I get caught, I'll lose my

job.

You won't get caught.

We pulled it off, man.

You're free as a bird.

I guess you're right,

although I am strapped to a

table.

NIKKI: Yeah, well, freedom is

relative.

Welcome to my world, friends.

Enjoy.

[Jen sighing]

Come on, you're gonna thank

us for this.

♪

[Cheering]

WYATT: Way to go, dude.

[Cheering]

Mmm, I love cotton candy.

Jude, a corndog?

What can I say?

I'm obsessed with my work.

Oh!

You know, you guys, I didn't

want to take this day off.

But I'm so glad you made me do

it.

Aw!

Maybe you do need to be a

little irresponsible once in a

while.

Take Coach Halder, for example.

Now that man needs to take a

mental health day.

I mean, it's just a stupid

store.

ALL: Uhh...

Why should I stress out over

it?

It's only a means to a--

Achieve a useful contribution to

the community, and learn

valuable life skills.

Oh, you're back on probation,

Masterson.

I can explain.

You're lucky I don't can you

on the spot.

I thought you were management

potential, all the way to head

coach.

I guess I was wrong.

Yeah, maybe you were.

Let's ride the Vomit Comet

again.

[Cheering]

♪

That was good work today.

Thanks.

You've got potential, kid.

Where did you pick up that

mascara trick?

We professionals have our

secrets.

I used to want to be a soap

star.

[Slurping]

I'm returning these because

my friend thinks they make me

look too much like you three.

Any objections?

Just a little service would

be nice.

♪