[wind howling]
[gentle music]
- Tell me there's a
Bigfoot behind me.
[birds chirping]
No such luck.
Just bloody trees, grass.
Which is a shame 'cause it
costs quite a lot of money
to fly out here.
This place in general though.
So thank you, student loan,
for being there for me.
Even when Bigfoot was not.
[gentle music]
This week on, "Monster
Hunters" we're here in Scotland
looking for none other
than the Loch Ness Monster.
Is he under there?
I like to think so.
But we are, it must be
said, missing a monster,
one large monster short, we be.
[gentle music]
[chimney dirt trickling]
[boots thudding]
[werewolf growling]
[gentle music]
- [Joe Bob Voiceover] "It was
the night before Christmas
"when all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
"not even a mouse.
"The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care
"in hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there.
"The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
"while visions of sugar
plums danced in their heads.
"And mama and her
kerchief and I and my cap
"had just settled our brains
for a long winter's nap.
"When out on the lawn
there run such a clatter,
"I sprang from my bed to
see what was the matter.
"Away to the window
I flew like a flash,
"threw open the shutters
and threw up the sash.
"The moon on the breast
of the new fallen snow
"gave a luster of
midday to objects below.
"When what to my
wondering eyes did appear,
"but a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny reindeer.
"With a little old driver
so lively and quick,
"I knew in a moment
he must be St. Nick.
"More rapid than eagles,
his coarser as they came
"and he whistled and shouted
and called them by name.
"Now Dasher, now Dancer,
now Prancer and Vixen.
"On Comet, on Cupid,
on Donner and Blitzen.
"To the top of the porch,
to the top of the wall.
"Now dash away, dash
away, dash away all.
[wind howling]
"As leaves that before
the wild hurricane fly
"when they meet with an
obstacle mount to the sky,
"so up to the housetop
the coursers they flew
"with a sleigh full of
toys and St. Nicholas too.
"And then in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
"the prancing and pawing
of each little hoof.
"As I drew in my head
and was turning around,
"down the chimney, St.
Nicholas came with a bound.
"He was dressed all in fur
from his head to his foot
"and his clothes were all
tarnished with ashes and soot.
"A bundle of toys he
had flung on his back
"and he looked like a peddler
just opening his pack.
"His eyes, how they twinkled,
"his dimples how merry.
"His cheeks were like roses,
his nose like a cherry.
"His droll little mouth
was drawn up like a bow
"and the beard on his chin
was as white as the snow.
"The stump of a pipe he
held tight in his teeth
"and the smoke, it encircled
his head like a wreath.
"He had a broad face
and a little round belly
"that shook when he laughed
like a bowl full of jelly.
"He was chubby and plump,
a right jolly old elf.
"I laughed when I saw
him in spite of myself.
"A wink of his eye and
a twist of his head
"soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
"He spoke not a word, but
went straight to his work
"and filled all the stockings.
"Then turned with a jerk.
"And laying his finger aside
of his nose and giving a nod
"up the chimney he rose.
"He sprained to his sleigh,
to his team gave a whistle
"and away they all flew
like the down of a thistle.
"But I heard him explain,
as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all
and to all a good night.
"And then,
"well, things went completely
f*cking batshit crazy,
"if you know what I mean.
"And I think you do.
"Joe Bob says, be careful
what you wish for."
- [Radio Host] See that was
very bright, on the radio.
Now here's one that most
kids like, this kid does too.
Standby.
[gentle upbeat music]
You better watch out
- Quick cameo for
my handsome face.
But I'm not the
reason you're here.
Name?
- Gray, Lucy Gray.
- [Dustin] Oh, hang on,
just wanna get a shot
of the Hastings sign.
He's making a list,
checking it twice
He's gonna find out
- [Dustin] Oh f*ck off,
mate, it's already clean.
- He's harmless.
There you go, Stan.
Go get yourself some real
meth, not that cheap shit.
- [Dustin] No, you're crazy.
- Tis the season to be
jolly, so say the idiots.
[car engine revving]
Can we please listen
to something else.
I'm so f*cking sick
of Christmas music.
- [Dustin] This is a classic.
Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
on a one horse open sleigh
- Dustin.
- [Dustin] What?
- Change it please.
- [Dustin] What have you
got against Christmas?
- Oh, I don't know, you name it.
Parents are divorced
on Christmas Day.
Being so broke this year
that I stole my gifts
from John Lewis.
Legged it when the alarm went
off and twisted my ankle,
which I had for f*cking days.
All whilst this song
miraculously played
everywhere I hobbled.
So f*ck this song
and f*ck Christmas.
- [Dustin] Wow, I think
you gave me a semi.
- We're here to
investigate werewolves,
not to celebrate the profits
of certain retailers.
It is to ride in a one
- [Dustin] Can we stop
and f*ck somewhere?
- No.
[car engine revving]
Jingle Bells
- [Dustin] That stuff
about your parents.
I'm sorry.
- Why, it wasn't you
shagged the bimbo
who runs the bingo hall, was it?
- [Dustin] It wasn't, no.
Oh what fun
- [Dustin] How old were
you when it happened?
- Oh, please.
In a one horse open sleigh
[upbeat music]
How does it happen/
What, like you can't keep your
f*cking d*ck in your pants.
- Oh, gee, f*cking calm down.
You'd gone.
- Which, where am I going?
Am am I going left and right?
- [Dustin] Left.
- f*cking hell.
- [Dustin] It just happened.
I was drinking, she was
drinking, you were gone.
- It doesn't just
f*cking happen.
I didn't accidentally fall
on someone else's cock, did I?
- We're not exclusive, Lucy.
We go around telling people
that we're just f*cking,
why would we be exclusive?
- I don't, I don't.
- We never f*cking said that.
- Fine, fine.
So I'll just go around
and f*ck your best mate,
shall I?
- It's not even the best mate.
- Shut the f*ck up, Dustin.
- You keep saying how
much you f*cking hate her.
- You're f*cking, you dare
f*cking film this Dustin.
[car engine revving]
- [Dustin] Looks cozy.
- Do not be fooled.
[door knocking]
[gentle music]
- Lucy.
Why is there a
camera in my face?
- Merry Christmas to you too.
Doing a thing on my werewolves.
- Well I'm not a
bloody werewolf, am I?
- [Dustin] Just checking
the settings, Mrs. Gray,
as we might do some
interview stuff in here.
Gonna have to swing a lens Luce.
- But who the hell are you?
- [Dustin] Oh, I'm Dustin.
- Oh, you didn't tell me
you were bringing someone.
- Oh, so what if I did?
This is Dustin.
He's good enough in bed
for us to be casually
seeing each other.
He's in a band called
I Piss On Your Soul.
And annoyingly labels
himself as Wicken.
He's incredibly high and
he drinks way too much,
making Christmas his
favorite time of year
because everyone else
becomes an alcoholic too.
On that note, I would
love a Bailey's or three.
- [Dustin] Hi.
- Where's the Bailey's.
[clock ticking]
- [Dustin] Quiet in here?
- This is generally
how it goes, for hours.
Mum and I have
nothing in common.
- No, I'm not talking 'cause
I don't like the camera.
- Ignore it.
- I can't, it's in my space.
- Look at me a sec Luce?
- It's a charming T-shirt.
So how's university?
- I dropped out.
- Oh good God.
- But you're still working
at the coffee shop?
- I got fired.
- Lucy.
What am I gonna do with you?
Still, it's very nice
to have you down for
Christmas, darling.
- [Dustin] Thought we were
gonna interview your mum
about the werewolves.
- No, I didn't agree to that.
- No you don't have to
if you don't want to.
- I'd have to do my hair.
- Fine, so how have you been
mum, yoga stuff all okay?
- Well I'm still teaching,
if that's what you mean.
- I'm not sure that
is what I mean.
You know, I'm confused,
like we're having
conversation on Mars.
- Most likely yes, yes, if
you've been at the ganja again.
Oh, Lucy, take off that
stinky, stinky jacket.
Let me put it in the wash.
- You can't put a leather
jacket in the wash.
- What?
You practically
live in that thing.
Do you have a bed in there
or something?
- Funny.
- She used to be
such a sweet girl.
Here she is at the fun fair.
She was a hell of a shot.
[Dustin giggling]
Your old glasses.
Oh, put them on
Lucy, put them on.
- You want a cup of tea mum?
- No, I'm fine, thanks.
- Cool, let's just sit
here for a bit longer then.
[door knocking]
Dad.
- [Dustin] I'm gonna grab some
exterior sh*ts at the house.
- What?
Oh great.
Dad.
- Happy Christmas.
- You look great.
You're glowing.
- Ah, I feel pretty good.
What's with the camera?
- Charlie.
- Carol.
How's the yoga thing going?
- It's fine, thanks.
How's the drinking thing going?
- Touche.
- Look at you.
You're half cut already.
You know you can't just
turn up here like this.
- I can when my
daughter's in town.
- Lemme cook your steak.
- No, I better.
Love the T-shirt by the way.
Oh damn, I forgot to
bring your present.
- Ugh.
- Doesn't matter.
- Old habits die
hard, don't they?
Do you know he once forgot
to close the front door,
we were leaving the house
and burglars came in
and took everything
without even having to
break a bloody window.
[car horn honking]
Is there a woman in your car?
- Yes.
- Well,
show her in.
- The last time I
brought a woman in here,
you threw a toaster at her head.
- She deserved it.
- She said hello.
- Yeah, it was how
she said hello.
It was her tone.
A new bloody woman every week.
You're like a dog on heat.
Justin, is it?
- [Dustin] Dustin.
- Whatever.
Can you please turn
that bloody thing off?
This is personal stuff.
Pulling sluts off
Tinder all the time.
I know you are on there.
You're such a cliche.
I dunno what they see in you.
- Whatever you saw in me.
- Well, whatever it was, I
mustn't have had my contacts in.
- Touche.
- [Dustin] Shh.
[car engine revving]
It is like you are an
extra in your own life
when you should be
playing the lead.
You just sit about smoking
weed, watching life pass you by.
You wear all this crazy shit
but it's like it's wearing you.
You have to do something in life
to earn having bright red hair,
you're not even in a band.
Ignore me.
It's the weed.
- On my YouTube channel?
- [Dustin] With like,
four people watching it.
- At least my name isn't Dustin.
You ever heard of the
lead singer of a band
being called Dustin?
No.
If Justin Timberlake
is Dustin Timberlake,
he'd be working at KFC.
[victim screaming]
- Oh my God.
- Lucy.
[victim screaming]
- Should I call the police?
Lucy?
Oh f*ck.
[wind howling]
[police sirens blaring]
I'd rather not break
into a police station.
- That way, there's back way in.
They all glorify my dad,
even though he's the only
chief constable in history
who doesn't drive.
It's so lame, they all
have to drive him around
Right then, Monster Hunters,
let's see what we can find.
- [Dustin] Okay, I've
decided you are crazy.
- Maybe, but I
don't buy the story
that guy simply got
mauled by some dog.
[police sirens blaring]
Whiskey?
Maybe not.
[police sirens blaring]
Oh.
Can you zoom in on that?
- [Dustin] Silver b*ll*ts.
Might be a joke.
- They made us believe it
was like a fireside story.
Like werewolves living in
caves, falling off the cliffs.
Why they choose to live
in Hastings of all places
is the biggest mystery.
[door hinge creaking]
Okay.
Should we take the whiskey?
- [Dustin] I'm more
of a sherry guy.
Your parents are a weird fit.
How'd they meet?
- Dad met mum when
he arrested her.
She went kind of crazy
in a shopping mall
when they told her
she couldn't get
a certain bath mat in blue.
- [Dustin] I see
where you get it from?
- Seven,
I was seven when they divorced.
I ran outta the house, without
either of them noticing,
into these woods.
I really believe I saw
one of those werewolves.
- [Dustin] Batteries gone.
- Okay ugh.
So, Monster Hunters,
we have a rare full
moon on Christmas Eve
and we're back in the
park, hunting werewolves.
What was that?
Do you hear it?
- [Dustin] Nope.
[dogs barking]
- f*ck.
- [Dustin] Merry Christmas mate.
- Before you say it,
no I'm not scared of dogs.
You want a hash cookie?
- [Dustin] No,
they're too strong.
You made 'em wrong.
- No, I made them just right.
They're here in my pocket
if you change your mind.
Let's just explore a bit.
So yes, viewers, we have dr*gs.
Don't tell on us.
- [Dustin] I'm freezing.
- We'll have a hot
chocolate when we get home.
- [Dustin] With marshmallows?
- Yes.
- [Dustin] And a hand job?
- What is that?
- [Dustin] What's what?
- That.
- [Dustin] Oh, come on Luce,
you saw what happened
to that bloke.
Lucy?
[thunder rumbling]
Thunder.
We're lost.
[thunder rumbling]
- Well I know we
promised you monsters,
but it seems tonight
we're bringing you
an actual Santa sighting.
[Santa screaming]
[werewolf growling]
- Bless you my child.
Bless you.
It's safe.
It ran off.
- So much blood.
- It's okay.
I'm sure that I
can find my feet.
- We have to get
you to a hospital.
Aren't you in pain?
- It's the strangest thing.
[thunder rumbling]
No pain at all.
[Santa screaming]
[thunder rumbling]
- [Lucy] The hash cookies
fell out my pocket.
[thunder rumbling]
- [Dustin] Great, a
werewolf with the munchies.
Might have to save
the town, Luce,
the world even, save Christmas.
Nobody knows more about
monsters than you.
- Why would I wanna
save Christmas?
I couldn't care less.
Oh, come on, my only knowledge
comes from comic books.
- [Dustin] It's a start.
You owe it to your viewers.
Take the camera.
I'm getting an Uber back
to London no matter cost,
I'm out of here.
- Okay, fine, fine,
you're right.
People need to know the truth
about whatever
happens here tonight.
This is an episode
like any other,
just with an actual monster.
But I need you
behind the camera.
- [Dustin] No way.
You're on your own.
I'm getting the
f*ck out of here.
- Dustin,
Dustin, if you don't film me,
I will release our
sex tape online.
- [Dustin] Which one?
- The one where you made
me dress up as your mum.
- [Dustin] Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Where are the police cars?
- [Dustin] This prick again.
- [Shop Owner] Excuse
me, can I help you?
- Yes, I need some
silver b*ll*ts please.
Do some damage with this.
- [Carol] What are you doing?
- Santa's turned into a werewolf
and we're gonna k*ll him.
He's probably right now climbing
down chimney after chimney,
eating family's alive.
- Are you making this up
for one of your films?
- Yeah, if you like.
I'm gonna need to
borrow your car.
- Well what about your car?
- Police took it 'til
tomorrow 'cause I was high.
- No, it's my name
on the license.
- There are bigger
things to worry about.
- No.
- Fine, you'll just have to
come with us and drive us.
- Drive you, drive you where?
- To the wolf.
- [Dustin] How are
we gonna find it?
- We'll follow the
police or something.
Dad, we need to call dad.
- Look I don't know
what all this is about,
but okay, I'll do
the driving for you.
But in exchange, Lucy,
I would like you to help me
stuff the Turkey later, okay.
- Whatever, let's go.
Have you done your hair, mum?
- Yes.
If I'm gonna be on the
bloody camera all the time.
- You love it!
- I do not.
- Mum, can we go faster?
Dad, pick up.
- So I'm driving towards
the sound of the sirens?
- Yes.
I wish dad picks up
his bloody phone.
- Mm, tell me about it.
What do you need him for?
- Tell you later.
- Well, this is madness.
- [Lucy] Oh you love it.
- I do not.
- Actually, can we quickly
stop over at Rupert's?
He's only person I know
who's read more monster
books that I have.
- [Carol] There's something
wrong with that man.
- There are a lots of
things wrong with him.
- [Dustin] Who's Rupert?
- Best childhood mate.
[door knocking]
[dog barking]
Rupert.
- Lucy.
- Santa's turned
into a werewolf.
Might need your help
to save Christmas.
[insects chirping]
- I'll grab my jacket.
[car engine revving]
- Anyone want a jelly ring?
How do we k*ll it?
- I'm not sure.
Got an ice skate.
- Where's the other one?
- I don't know, lost.
- I take it that
blade's not pure silver.
- Obviously not.
- You need real silver
to k*ll a werewolf.
- Yeah, I know.
- Look, we can't just k*ll it.
- Why not?
- 'Cause it's Father Christmas.
- That thing is not
Father Christmas.
- It is, deep down.
But at least we'd be
sure of k*lling him.
A werewolf can only be k*lled
by someone who loves him.
And who doesn't love
Father Christmas?
I must say Lucy,
you look better
than you used to.
Pretty, almost.
- Thanks, I guess.
- [Dustin] Why are you
wearing a suit, dude?
You just come from
work or something?
- No, I was just at home, dude.
- It's just Rupert's thing.
Never seen him out of a suit.
- 'Cause I got style girl.
- Please, you look like a
disgraced kids TV presenter.
[werewolf growling]
- [Rupert] How are
you gonna do it, Luce?
- [Lucy] I'm gonna
smash the ice skate
into the side of his head.
[werewolf growling]
- [Rupert] Luce.
- [Lucy] I can't do it.
[werewolf growling]
[glass breaking]
- [Dustin] Why has it run away?
- [Rupert] Not developed
its k*ller instinct yet.
Inside he's still Santa.
- [Lucy] We'll
get him next time.
- [Reporter] Footage has
surfaced on social media
of this werewolf Santa,
in a local park, eating the
heart out of a child's chest.
Local residents said they saw--
- [Dustin] Looks like he's
found that k*ller instinct.
[window tapping]
- What happened to your eye?
- Night shifts can be tough.
Carol, what are you doing here?
- They asked me to drive.
I dunno what's going on there,
there's some horrible footage
of some child being
eaten on their phones.
But all these sirens.
- Go home.
- We saw him, Dad.
We saw Santa get bit by that.
- Werewolf.
- Yeah,
we were there when it happened.
So no police coverups.
- [Dustin] You are
such a dickhead.
- You weren't there, Rupert.
- Yeah, maybe not.
But I have this
video on my phone.
- Gimme that.
- [Rupert] Hey,
police brutality.
- I'm deleting it.
- Go ahead.
It's everywhere anyway,
on everyone's phone.
And I know about the UFO
coverup in this town too.
They're hiding aliens in the
old town Friar chip shop,
everyone knows it.
That's why the chips
there tastes funny.
Radiation coming in under
the door from the back room
where those things hide
under big glass domes.
- [Dustin] Great.
So on top of everything else
that's clearly f*cked with you,
you're also that annoying
conspiracy theory guy.
- Dad, I know how to
k*ll the werewolf.
- This isn't a comic
book, it's real.
And turn off that camera.
- What is, is all this real?
- Yes.
- Yes.
They have silver b*ll*ts
in the comics, Dad.
Same as you have.
I know everything.
- Lucy, what do you want?
- To document it.
Follow you around tonight.
You never know, you
might need our help.
You don't know
werewolves like I do.
[radio beeping]
- [Police Officer]
You're the last person
with access to silver b*ll*ts.
No backup is coming
as they thought I was making
this werewolf thing up
as a Christmas wind up.
- That's fine.
I have backup, from
another division.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- We're gonna be famous Luce,
you'll have like a
billion followers.
- It's here, in front of me.
[police officer screaming]
- I may need some driving about.
- Oh really?
You just expect me to
drive you about all night.
- That's not what I meant.
- Oh really?
Well, I'm not.
- Mum, Dad,
I know you hate
each other's guts,
but for now, we need
to focus on the thing
with claws that
wants to k*ll us all.
- She's right.
Anyway, for now, we'll have
to investigate on foot.
- You can stay in the
car if you want, mum.
- No, I don't want.
Not with a bloody
werewolf on the loose.
I'm gonna tear my jumper.
- Don't be scared Dustin.
- I'm not scared, dickhead.
- We need a plan.
- What, there's not a plan?
- [Rupert] My van.
- [Charlie] What?
- We need to get the werewolf
to chase us to my house,
to my ice cream van.
Then lock it inside.
- [Dustin] And then what?
- I don't know, blow
it up or something.
Call the army in to do it.
- [Dustin] Have them
on speed dial, do you?
- Maybe.
- Your house, four miles away?
- Yeah, that sounds
like a terrible plan.
- Like anyone else
has a better one.
- Of f*ck it, I left my
ice skate in the car.
- Can everybody please
just stop bloody swearing,
all the bloody time.
Okay, it's Christmas.
It's the birth.
- Dad,
you've got your g*n, right?
- I left it at
home, I'll go back.
- No, we don't
have time for that.
Plus we all need
to stick together.
- It's a bit of a habit
of his, forgetting his g*n
when he's had a drink.
You wouldn't believe the amount
of criminals who got away
because he left it at home.
- Wait, the police that perished
are in these woods, right?
So we just need to find
a dead cop with a g*n,
as I take it, they'll be
loaded with silver b*ll*ts.
- [Dustin] We best
find one of those cops
before that thing finds us.
- Listen.
Sex.
There's people having sex.
- [Dustin] He's lost it.
I mean, instead of hearing
voices, he's hearing sex sounds.
Knew he had a porn fried brain.
- I did hear that.
We all heard that, right?
- Doggers.
It's a popular place for it.
Busted doggers here for years.
- [Carol] Are you
sure about this, Lucy?
- [Lucy] Yes, we
have to save them.
- [Dustin] Don't
be scared, Rupert.
[gentle upbeat music]
- [Charlie] Don't
film this you pervert.
[gentle upbeat music]
- [Rupert] What's dogging?
- [Dustin] Seriously?
- Couples who like
swinging the woods.
So I've read.
- [Charlie] Dustin.
- [Dustin] Oh f*ck.
[gentle upbeat music]
- [Carol] Lucy.
[gentle upbeat music]
- Carol?
- [Carol] Roger.
Hello.
- You said you weren't
coming this week.
Said your daughter
was coming to stay.
- Yep.
Yep, she, she, she, she,
she is, she's here, she's,
she's there.
- Hello.
- Well, we're game if you are.
- No, no, that's not.
You all have to stop having sex
'cause there's a.
- Are you the police.
- No, but my dad is.
Run, all of you run.
[werewolf growling]
[people moaning]
[gentle upbeat music]
[people screaming]
[werewolf growling]
[people screaming]
[car alarm blaring]
[werewolf growling]
[car alarm blaring]
- Oh God, I saw a penis.
Oh God, tell me
that wasn't a penis.
- Gimme the camera.
- [Dustin] Lucy.
- [Carol] Lucy, no.
[gentle upbeat music]
- Right, I'm getting
the f*ck outta here.
It's been fun,
spending part of Christmas
with your family, Luce.
I'll call you.
- [Lucy] Stop being such a
square, it's an adventure.
- [Carol] Both of you, come on.
- [Dustin] I'll leave
you a better woman.
In some part, I think it's a
short time we spent together.
- [Lucy] Please.
Tell the world that
you're a coward.
- I'm no longer an extra.
I feel I need to
get off my chest,
the fact I got kicked out
of the band, months ago.
They thought I was a
bit of a square too.
- [Lucy] I know, I
follow them on Instagram.
- Got an interview
at KFC next week.
- Ah good luck.
- Rupert, go and deepthroat
an ice cream cone.
- [Lucy] You're just a
frightened little puppy.
- Guys, be quiet.
- Every dog has its day.
- Oh f*ck.
[werewolf growling]
- [Lucy] Why are you crying?
- He was a great guy.
- [Lucy] What?
- You're crying too.
- Dad, tell Mum
Dustin will live.
- Sounds like the
werewolf's gone.
- What, we're just, we're
just standing here like,
like lemmings on a,
I don't know what
the expression is.
Where the hell are we, anyway?
- I'm not really sure.
- Charlie, don't
tell me we're lost.
- I know the way out.
- Oh Charlie!
I've heard it all before.
We spent bloody hours on the
boiling hot streets of Italy,
wandering around
looking for a hotel
when apparently he knew the way.
And I got really bad sun stroke.
Do you remember that?
- Fondly.
- It was a really
nice holiday though,
wasn't it, in Italy, in the end.
And I really love those
tiny little Speedos
that you wore on the beach.
- [Lucy] Mum, please.
- You didn't look
half bad yourself.
- [Lucy] Rupert, you're gonna
have to film from now on.
- It would be my honor.
- [Carol] Oh, I dunno, Lucy,
maybe we should just
go back for that g*n.
- Rupert, I can feel when
the camera's on my arse.
We don't have time, mum.
- [Rupert] We're fine.
It's way over there.
- Yeah, but there's
more than one werewolf.
The one that bit Santa is
out there somewhere too.
- [Charlie] Lucy, maybe
you should just go home.
- [Lucy] He looks like lasagne.
- [Rupert] That shouldn't
make me hungry, but it does.
- Rupert, that's disgusting.
- [Rupert] I only had
a mince pie today.
- We are back at the sleigh,
listen, sleigh bells.
[sleigh bells ringing]
- What happened to the reindeer?
- [Lucy] He's eaten them.
- Oh.
[werewolf howling]
Maybe the werewolf's lost too.
- I don't think so.
He's coming this way.
- [Rupert] I make a
fine lasagne soon.
[all panting]
- We need to play dead.
Everyone lie down next to
Dustin's body, get really close.
- [Carol] I can't.
I can't even look at it.
- Mum, Dad, Rupert,
trust me, it'll work.
Rupert, keep rolling.
We might get real
with this thing.
- Carol.
- Oh God.
- Mum, get really close,
and no bloody
twitching or anything.
- Wolves are super smart,
if it senses we're
alive, we won't be.
- Oh God, it still
looks really strange.
Okay, just grab some
guts outta Dustin's chest
and rub them over yourselves
like you've been mauled.
- What?
Oh no, what are you doing?
No.
Just the thought of it.
[Carol gagging]
- Mum.
- This is a health
and safety nightmare.
- Mum quickly.
- This is my favorite
Christmas jumper, okay.
It's from Harrods.
Fine.
I've just got my nails done.
Okay.
It's stuck.
- [Lucy] Pull harder.
- I feel something really gooey.
- [Lucy] Shh.
[werewolf growling]
- [Rupert] He is trying
to fly the sleigh
with a bunch of dead reindeer.
You said werewolves were smart.
- In general, yes.
Looks like the Santa
Claus part of it
that wants to deliver toys
is still active in
there somewhere.
- [Carol] Oh God, that
can't be hygienic, can it?
All those body parts
shoved in a sack like that?
- Yay, it's a policeman.
- [Charlie] Where?
- There.
[flies buzzing]
- Oh, he'd only
been with us a week.
- [Rupert] Oh, it's not all bad.
How many b*ll*ts inside his g*n?
[flies buzzing]
- Three.
- Failing finding any other
policeman, that's our lot then.
[g*n cocking]
- Leave it to me.
Needs to be a clean
shot to the heart.
Have to get in pretty close.
[flies buzzing]
- [Carol] Oh, let me guess.
- Forgot my glasses.
- Oh.
- First time that ever happened.
Seriously.
Think you can take the shot?
We won a lot of cuddly toys.
- Yeah but years ago.
- Just have to be careful of
the catch, it can be tricky.
- [Rupert] No way.
[Lucy gasping]
You know you have to
pull the trigger, right?
[werewolf growling]
- [Carol] Lucy, no!
- [Rupert] Lucy!
- It's okay, it's okay.
He's wounded.
- [Rupert] Lucy.
- I know, I know, it's
just, it's Santa Claus
and it just kind of throws you.
I'll be the person
responsible for sh**ting S--
We'll get him next time.
- Right, give me that,
just give me the g*n, okay.
I'm going to finish this.
[g*n firing]
- You just wasted one of
our only three b*ll*ts.
- Yeah.
Well, at least I'm not
afraid to use this.
- [Charlie] Crazy bloody woman.
- Oh great, it's gone.
[werewolf howling]
- It's following
the church bells.
Church bells ringing out like
a dinner bell for that thing.
Well is everyone at the service?
Half the town.
The baker, Happy
Harry the hairdresser,
the lollipop lady that stood
at that crossing forever,
families.
- It is gonna be okay.
Look, Lucy, it's snowing.
Everything's better
when it snows.
- Didn't I read somewhere
that the lollipop lady
was a bit of a pedo?
- They're all pedos.
- Might be.
- What?
- No seriously.
- Every single person
that goes to that church?
- Everyone knows there's a
secret pedo ring in this town
and that they all
congregate at the church.
It's their cover.
A place where they can
meet and say stuff in code.
The vicar's most likely
in charge of it all.
When he says John 9:6,
what he's really saying is,
meet you all outside
the school at midnight.
- Yeah, makes sense that
a church full of people
would turn up outside
an empty school
in the middle of the night.
- Yeah, no, yeah.
- Stop talking shit Rupert.
Pedos or not, we have
to get to that church
before they all arrive,
provided that we can
find a way out of here.
- [Rupert] We're searching
the back streets of Hastings
in pursuit of a werewolf.
Best Christmas ever.
- [Lucy] Ssh! I heard a howl.
- Mum, what are you doing?
- As you can see,
it's a red light.
- There's a bloody werewolf
on the loose, run it.
- I'm not running a red
light, it's not right.
- Mum, you go dogging.
- For God's sake, Carol,
I'm the chief constable,
run the light.
- It'll turn green
any second now.
[gentle music]
Now it's green.
I only went dogging once.
- Yeah, right.
Can you at least speed up
a bit this time please.
- We're going 30 just
like the sign read.
- Mum, where are going, you've
driven passed the car park.
- I'm trying to
turn the car around
so we can get back into
the town center, darling.
Do you know what?
It was very hurtful what
you said to me earlier,
that we don't have
anything in common.
What about last
Christmas Eve hey?
We both loved watching
that film, you know,
with Hugh Grant being
the prime minister.
- I was pretending,
I was dying to watch the
horror film the whole time.
Mum, this is a dead end.
You just have to
stop and reverse.
- Damn it, I thought it had
an exit onto the main road.
- Oh great.
Just reverse already.
- Does anyone have any change?
- No.
- No.
[gentle music]
- [Lucy] We have to let
him in and unlock the door?
- [Charlie] There isn't room.
- [Lucy] He'll die.
What about the boot?
- [Charlie] I'm not risking
my life going out there
to shove a tramp
in the bloody boot.
- Fine, I need the g*n then Mum.
- Yep, it's.
I put it in the cup holder.
- Oh my God, quickly, Mum.
[werewolf growling]
- [Tramp] Hey.
- Oh my God.
[werewolf growling]
- There's an eyeball on my car.
I have a dead tramps
eyeball on my car.
- What do we do? Does
anyone have a plan?
- We just drive really
fast and it'll fall off.
- I'm speechless.
- Then you get out
really fast and sh**t it.
- Oh do I?
Thanks a bunch, Dad.
- It's your web show, wouldn't
want to steal your limelight.
- God, what is it
doing up there?
- Stuffing its face with
whatever's left of the poor guy.
- Right. Here goes nothing.
[werewolf growling]
[car engine revving]
- I can't believe that worked.
- [Charlie] You
were saying, Lucy.
- Let's cancel Christmas.
I'm gonna finish him.
[werewolf growling]
- [Carol] What's happening?
I can't see.
I can't see anything.
- He's down.
[werewolf growling]
No, he's up again.
f*ck.
- f*ck.
- We could just leave it,
all go home and sit it out
until the moon goes down
and he hopefully turns back.
- By which time half the
town could have been eaten.
No, it's not right.
[gentle music]
[werewolf growling]
Holy f*ck.
- My baby, wait, wait.
[baby crying]
- Hey, no, no.
Hey.
[werewolf growling]
[g*n firing]
[werewolf growling]
[baby crying]
- [Rupert] Lucy, I hate ghost
trains at the best of times,
let alone ones with actual
real life werewolves inside.
- One last b*llet, mustn't miss.
- [Rupert] Well, we don't
have to go in there.
- Yes we do.
- [Rupert] So, so what
are you waiting for?
- I'm scared, okay.
Oh, come on.
- [Rupert] I can't.
I'm sorry, I really
can't this time, Lucy.
I'll meet you back in the car.
- Rupert, don't make
me tell everyone
what you did with that donut
when you were super horny.
- [Rupert] Ladies first.
- Is that real?
- [Rupert] I do not
even wanna know.
- That's f*cking helpful.
[machine ghosts laughing]
[piano keys clink]
- [Rupert] Sorry.
[machine monster growling]
Lucy, was that a sound effect?
- I think so, yeah.
[baby crying]
- [Rupert] Why is there
nothing happening?
- I don't know and
I don't like it.
[werewolf howling]
- [Rupert] Okay that
one sounded real.
- I just trod on something.
Feels like a hand.
[gentle upbeat music]
- [Rupert] Oh.
Come on, let's go.
[gentle upbeat music]
[Lucy screaming]
- [Rupert] Lucy, sh**t him.
- [Lucy] It's jammed,
it won't fire.
[werewolf growling]
No.
Oh come on.
[Lucy panting]
[werewolf growling]
- Strange way to die.
- We're not going to die.
[werewolf growling]
- If we don't die,
can we have sex?
You can cover your eyes
if you want to, it's just.
- No.
- Do you have any mates
who might be up for it?
- No.
You're just gonna
have to turn gay.
- Do you know any guys
who might be up for it?
- Rupert.
You think we might actually die?
- I love you.
- Thanks.
I love you too, I guess.
- I didn't really have
sex with that jam donut,
it was a rumor.
- Whatever.
They found the jam donut
on your.
- No, it was
a cream filled donut.
They sell them in the bakers,
you can check their website.
- Rupert,
it really doesn't
matter right now.
- Huh?
The camera.
[werewolf growling]
[Lucy screaming]
- [Lucy] Dad, this f*cking
g*n doesn't f*cking work.
[Carol screaming]
Drive.
- Oh God, oh God.
- It works.
You just have to release
the catch like this.
You're bleeding.
- Lucy, you're getting
blood all over my seats.
Look, just take this and wrap
it on your wrist, darling.
- It won't help.
I got bit.
Oh, that's all fixed.
- Now you listen to me.
You are not turning
into a werewolf okay.
And that's, that's that.
- How long do you
think 'til I turn?
- You need to keep out of the
moonlight, might delay it.
And make sure you don't
look directly into the moon.
Best to keep your face covered
with that stinky
leather jacket of yours.
- It doesn't smell.
- Actually Mum, stop.
Turn the car around.
Mum, stop.
I will jump out, I swear.
- Do you have a death wish?
- I can't just give up.
I have to end this.
- Look, I think you
really need to start
growing up.
- I don't care what you think.
Turn the car around.
[car engine revving]
[bells ringing]
- [Rupert] I think it's inside.
- I don't know what
to think anymore.
- Now don't you speak like that.
Listen to me.
It's all gonna be okay.
All right, I just,
I just know it is.
- Even for someone
who hates Christmas,
I just wanted it to be a bit
more Christmassy than this.
It's meant to be mulled wine
and Bond films and family.
- I'm sorry.
- It was my fault
you two divorced.
I heard you saying how hard
it was to take care of me.
I'm sorry.
- No.
No darling.
Me and your dad.
We just, we just
fell out of love.
- It isn't true, Carol.
Look however this night ends,
I have a question to ask.
Rupert gave me a
jelly ring earlier
and it's just been sat
here warm in my pocket.
- Where is it?
- [Charlie] He's in the grotto.
- He's crawled in there to die.
But I can't finish him off.
I can't k*ll Santa Claus.
I need you to use this
last b*llet on me.
I'm starting to change.
I can feel it.
Get away from me.
[Lucy gasps]
- [Carol] Do something!
- Moonlight's got
into her blood now.
Not much we can do.
- [Lucy] How come you know
so much about werewolves?
- k*lled a bunch of
them during a full moon.
The werewolves
living in Hastings
were the last ones in the world.
Wanting to put an end to it
all and drunk on cheap scotch,
I went on a silver b*llet
rampage in their cave,
k*lled every single one of them.
The last one put up
a hell of a fight,
was some kind of leader.
- The alpha werewolf.
- Well, whatever the term
is, he was a mean bastard.
- [Rupert] Could've saved
yourself a lot of hard work.
If you just k*lled the
alpha werewolf first,
all the others would've
turned back to normal forever.
- Huh, you learn
something new every day.
- You're a werewolf.
All the steaks and night shifts.
You k*lled it.
But it got you first, didn't it?
Don't you understand, Dad,
you are the alpha because
you k*lled the last one.
An alpha with no pack.
- I'm completely confused.
- Dad's a werewolf.
- That would explain a lot.
- No really he is.
In theory, if he dies,
I'd be okay again.
And so would Santa.
- [Carol] Well, he
looks completely normal.
Where's all the hair?
- [Rupert] Only the alpha
werewolf can change at will.
You can control it, can't you?
- Each full moon, when I feed,
I can turn into the wolf in an
instant and turn right back.
Like earlier today, that
poor man in the park.
But Santa Claus was
a bit of a tough guy,
he gave me the black eye.
- Oh my God.
- If your comic says me dying
will save the day, so be it.
That last silver b*llet has
my name written all over it.
- It might not work,
it could just be
something someone made up.
- No, it's worth a try, Lucy.
Could put an end to
all of this for good.
I was the only werewolf left.
Very easy covering up murders
when you're the chief constable.
Won't be so easy for you.
- [Rupert] He's right Luce,
just k*ll him already.
It's getting late and the
camera battery's about to die.
- Turn off that camera.
- No, keep rolling.
How can we be sure there are
no other werewolves out there?
- A victim would have
to survive the attack.
Your hash cookies
triggered a feeding frenzy
that left zero heartbeats.
Please, Lucy, take
me outta my misery.
Your mum out of hers.
You out of yours.
This town, out of its.
- But you're my dad.
- I'm the guy who
cheated on your mother.
Broke her heart with some woman
whose name I can't
even remember.
Some town tramp
with a cop fantasy.
You know what,
you were right.
You did cause the divorce
'cause you were a mistake.
- [Carol] Don't listen to him.
- You're still a waste of space.
Hiding behind some
bright red hair,
like it's some kind of
substitute for a personality.
You ruined our lives.
Just as every day you set
about ruining your own.
You just f*ck everything up.
Do the right thing for once.
[gentle music]
[Lucy crying]
Imagine that this is
just out of a comic book.
None of this is real.
[gentle music]
Well, at the very
least, forgive your mum,
if she seems a little
overbearing at times.
Because she's had to put up
with a hell of a lot from me.
She has the biggest heart
and I'm about to eat it
right out of her chest.
[Carol screaming]
[werewolf growling]
[Lucy screaming]
[g*n firing]
Don't.
[both crying]
- Oh Lucy.
Isn't he supposed to
turn back to normal?
- Maybe he did.
Santa.
- Where am I?
- It's been quite a night.
Do you remember anything?
- Good Lord, I remember its
wild eyes as it leapt out at me.
Are the reindeer okay?
[gentle upbeat music]
Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
[gentle upbeat music]
Vixen and Blitzen
- So here we are, a year on,
and Santa will be back to
work as normal tonight.
This I know for a fact, as
for the first time ever,
he sent me a letter,
thanking me for saving
Christmas, no less.
And people have been
making and sending me
these really cool cards.
They're even selling
them in shops.
And I got this cool scar
on my hand as a reminder
of everything that
happened last year.
Thought I would share that
with my 103 new
YouTube followers.
Oh my God, Mum, just come in
and stop pretending you
don't wanna be on camera.
- [Carol] I don't
wanna be on the camera.
- You love it.
- Come on Santa, let's
go and see Lucy-Lu.
- Anyone for a mini donut.
- No, not for me, thanks.
- I'm good.
Oh Lucy, this room
needs tidying.
- Yes I know.
- Well when are you gonna do it?
Here comes Santa Claus
- Listen, sleigh
bells, it's him.
Down Santa Claus Lane
He doesn't care if
you're rich or poor
He loves you just the same
Santa Claus
[dramatic music]
- Santa and his sleigh just
got sucked up into a UFO.
[gentle upbeat music]
Here comes Santa Claus
- He just blasted off,
Lucy, you missed it.
[dramatic music]
Told you there were aliens.
[gentle music]
[wind howling]
[sleigh bells ringing]
[wind howling]
Werewolf Santa (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3