11x03 - The Hairy Bus

[bunniefuu]

Meatwad, now, that's for the movie

and you're gonna treat Carl to some popcorn, right?

Hey, Carl.

I got on my movie-watching shoes.

Just get in the car.

Yeah, Carl, I really appreciate this, man.

It's really solid of you to take Meatwad

for the evening, you know?

Yeah, I'm real nice now.

I'm just swamped with all my online surgery classes.

Ohh, here we go.

You know, I'm furthering my education online,

learning how to be a surgeon?

Write yourself a prescription

for shutting the Up.

Carl, why do you have a hacksaw?

We're going to see, uh, "Texas Hacksaw m*ssacre."

Don't worry!

It teaches kids lessons like, you know,

"avoid Texas at all costs."

Guys, how about me?

No, 'cause we doing us a guys trip.

No girls allowed.

You girl.

Ohh! I'm a guy. I'm a guy's guy.

Grab myself. I spit fire.

Watch.

Well, I was aiming for my chest,

but I could've done it way over there.

No, no, no, no, no. We ain't got room for you.

You have a hatchback here, right?

I got a woofer in there and, when I crank it,

it'll make you go doo-doo all over my car, so...

Well, then, where am I gonna sit?

Uh, I don't know. You could sit, uh, on this

And rotate!

Good one, Carl.

You teed it up for me!

I knocked it out of the park!

I hope the theater burns down

with you two in it while you're holding hands!

Great, now I gotta be here with you.

Fricking ladies' night.

What you doin', Carl?

I'm making sure this 20's real.

Hey, look, it's really goin' in my pocket.

I guess it's real, then.

But I need it, to buy you some popcorn.

How about we go get us some popcorn makers?

How about that? Yeah, that sounds good.

You get real low to the ground, right?

Like this here?

There you go.

Now, you saw here and here

and out comes the popcorn maker!

Yeah!

Yeah! All right!

Shut up. Don't make a big deal about it.

We gotta get us a lot of popcorn tonight.

Where the popcorn?

There ain't no popcorn in here.

Aw, sh**t. Did they forget to put popcorn in there?

Well, I don't know what to say.

I guess we could see if the car

right next to us got some free popcorn.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. See, cars like this.

It's like you're scratching their back, you know?

Frylock told me that they filled with precious metals,

like platinum and palladium and rhodium,

and that's why people steal them all the time.

They melt them down for money

and then, they use it to buy them some dr*gs.

Frylock don't know Jack crap
about the popcorn business.

Oh, man.

Look.

That's the hairy bus.

The ultimate party vehicle.

Ratt rented that when they toured Jersey

for their "round and round and round yet again" tour.

It's got a deejay booth, a dancefloor,

a kegerator, a stripper pole, a hot tub,

a 2-story waterfall, anda massage parlor.

Aw, yeah.

We're gonna saw her down.

Go on, get under there.

See, popcorn makers are bad for cars, so,

you know, we're doing a good deed here.

Aaaaah!

Then how come it be screaming at me?

Because it hurts!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Hurry, hurry. Come on. Come on.

Aah! Ow!

What the...? This is warm and gooey.

You can't melt this down.

Fricking Lenny is not gonna take this one.

Put. It. Back! Lick my meat.

Oh, goodness, he's hurtin' something fierce.

Carl, we can't just leave him like this, can we?

Yeah, actually, I think we can.

Okay. See ya later.

Hey, Carl, when we goin' to the movie?

We went.

I don't know what we saw. Something.

You liked it. Trust me.

Did it have someone named Shrek?

That guy that's in the movies

and you see him on them cups, the soda cups.

Yeah, sure.

So, you guys, uh, trying to m*rder me?

Ah, you ain't alive. You're a bus.

I live just as you, sir.

I am the offspring of the unholy union of man and bus.

In Uruguay, many years ago,

a drunken bachelor made love to a bus.

Nine months later, that bus, my mother,

conceived a hideous spawn of Satan

twin buses coated in diesel and phlegm.

We were driven from the village and forced to live

amongst the animals of the forest,

hosting parties for them, feasting on them.

Now, people pay you 400 bucks a night

to party, and then you eat them?

Yeah, try $550, cuz.

Damn.

I get 'em good and sloppy

and shitfaced and then,

they feel the fur start to close in around them.

Where is the stripper?

How did she just disappear?

Then who's that licking my butthole?

Oh, my God, it's the bus!

Aah! Aaaah! Aah!

Smell that fart?

That was the groom.

Oh, I guess they had to call off the wedding.

Bottle that and send that to his bitch.

Marry that haze of a**l...

Bitch.

That's what I say to myself and,

when cops come around, askin' questions,

who are they gonna talk to, a hairy bus?

Think about it, moron.

I am the one everybody wants to be.

I'ma call the cops on your hairy-bus ass.

Hey, take a look at this video.

Yeah, that's my hairy party cam.

And that's you, the assh*le,

cutting every catalytic converter

out of every car in the parking lot.

What do you want from me?!

Hey, how was the movie, Meatwad?

And why are you covered in blood and chassis grease?

It was good. Nothing.

Hey, how's that surgery class going?

You, like, uh, licensed yet? You know how to do it now?

Carl, what the hell, man?!

So, see, uh, this talking bus, uh, broke down here

and I'm just helping, you know.

It broke 'cause we broke it,
cuttin' out the popcorn maker.

That's what Carl it ain't important, how it happened.

You got some, uh, duct tape or wacky glue?

You're a surgeon, now, right?

Well, not yet. Man, it stinks.

This tissue is dead.

Look, I'm gonna be in some serious trouble,

if I don't fix this.

The bus is alive

and it's got some goods on me, okay?

Can't you just like, I don't know,

gut some dogs, or something?

It would have to be a genetic match, man.

Ah, but there is another, my twin.

In Uruguay, many years ago, a drunk

yeah, yeah, yeah, some dude humped a bus

and this happened.

I knew it! Twin buses,

coated in diesel and phlegm.

There's a twin.

Yeah, my stupid brother. He's an imbecile.

He's like a shuttle bus in Atlantic city.

He looks like me, only he's shaven

and he's wheelchair- accessible.

Boring.

So, what you're saying is

you want us to take your brother's lower intestine

and put it in you, just like that?

He'll do it. He's stupid.

But then, your brother's not
gonna be able to survive, man.

Well, you don't mention that part to him.

Okay, he said just look

for a bus like him, but shaved.

Or we could just play some slots

and get a cheap hooker for a couple hours.

I still have $20.

You gotta be a real bargain hunter

to find somebody that'll do both of us.

Carl, I can't just let it die.

I signed the online hippocratic oath.

Oh, God, why you gotta get all moral?!

Anybody lookin' to ride the flesh train?

Hop on!

No, no, no, don't don't don't

don't do that. That's how he eats ya.

Eats you? What do you mean? Who told you? Oh, no.

No, you must know my brother

and he is eating people again.

This has happened before

and I will take care of it.

I want you to know that because this gives

my business a bad name and I can't have it.

That's right, I'm alive.

And we drive amongst you

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, some dude put his d*ck

in a bus and, somehow, this happened.

How is my brother? Is he all right?

Well, He doesn't have long.

Only you can help him.

He needs you to donate your colon.

No, what Brian needs is therapy.

His hunger for drunk assholes

cannot be slaked.

Now, look inside me,okay?

I have handicapped access.

I have board games for the kids.

I provide helpful information as I drive,

and comical city facts, too.

We have a lot of fun in here!

I also provide my service free of charge.

Now, hecharges. I don't know why.

He can't use money.

A bus can't walk into a store and use money!

I shuttle old people to casinos

and homeless people to places

where they love to go crazy.

But you have come here

for my intestines, to give to my brother

and, if he must have them,

to save his life, then,

go ahead and take them.

He'll do it. He's stupid.

But if you need my intestine

to save my brother's life,

well, go ahead and take it.

Agh!

I'm having an ethical crisis here, man.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm gonna k*ll this good bus to save the bad one?

Man, sometimes God just gives us challenges

we just can't meet. You know what I mean?

It's okay. It's okay, fryman.

'Cause I was up for the challenge. See?

I stabbed him in the head with a signpost.

I'm so cool.

What, did you have fricking Christmas

while you were down there?

It's about g*dd*mn time.

Frylock!

Could you see if I can get my $550 back?

Nah, should've put it on the card!

When I get outta here,

I'm gonna sue this bus for not being fun

and then, I'm gonna bitch-slap all of you

for not lettin' me go to the movies with you!

And anyone left standing when I get out

is gonna be hurtin'.

Ride the bus to bus hell, you bus!

Hey hey hey hey hey, wrong hole!

Hey, guys!

Look, Carl, ride the bus to bus hell, you bus.

What are you doing? Meatwad, no!

What? I just doin' what you doin', dad.

But... I'm not your dad!

Dancing is forbidden **

Dancing is for-for-forbidden

dancing is forbidden **

** made, made in Georgia, yeah! **