Help me get her in the car, Ray!
Okay, but this bitch
heavy as hell, Cuz!
n*gga, get yo' hands off her ass!
Let me finger g*ngb*ng
her at least, homie!
- Just help me get it off of her!
- Okay, one finger then!
A'right, but we ain't
goin' inside, homie.
We gonna go around
the emergency loop...
roll her ass out like
we do all the homies...
that get shot in the hood, homie.
Why you snuff her
fine ass anyway, homie?
I wanted to bone, Cuz.
- She was possessed, Ray!
- Possessed?
Possessed like head spinnin'
around vomitin' everywhere?
Or like possessed like Kanye
when you take a picture of him?
Just drive like you
got warrants, please!
n*gga, I do got warrants! Look!
These right here! Jaywalkin'!
For eating grapes in the grocery
store without payin' for 'em!
Shavin' my dog's balls in public.
Drivin' with my hands
off the wheel, Cuz.
I be ghost-drivin' my whip, Cuz.
I like doin' that shit, homie.
An altercation with my Moms,
homie, but she provoked me, Cuz!
- Ray-Ray, I think she's waking.
- All right, here! Take this...
and p*stol-whip her
with the butt of the g*n.
I'm not p*stol-whippin'
my girlfriend!
A'right, n*gga, well, you drive
and I'll p*stol-whip that bitch!
- Kisha, resist!
- But you didn't!
I've seen you for the
bitch that you are, Malcolm.
- What's she talkin' 'bout, homie?
- Booty pirates!
- Nuttin', she's possessed, man.
- S'right, you fucker!
He's a ghost buster!
That sound real suspect
back there, homie.
Was you in juvie, Cuz?
If you don't cry you ain't
no bitch in there, homie.
I didn't cry. Doodles on
they. Joke's on them, Cuz.
By the power vested to me,
that somebody gave me...
while I was locked up...
- Who are you?
- It's Father Williams, homie.
She do a mean impression
of that n*gga, Cuz.
I do a mean impression
of The Butler. Check it:
"I'm here for the boss.
I'm here to serve the boss."
- Who are you?
- I'm Forest Whitaker, homie.
From the movie that's
like "The Help" but...
He didn't doo-doo
in the pie, homie.
Ray, I'm not talkin' to you!
I'm talkin' to Kisha. Ray!
Are you gonna let that
bitch choke you out, Cuz?
You a bitch, homie...
- Get the f*ck off me!
- Kisha! Kisha!
Shit, she breathed
in my face, homie.
I'll get the bird
u, it's contagious...
She blacked out, Ray.
Hurry, we don't have much
time! Get us to the hospital.
Hurry!
Ray? Ray?
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God!
Kisha?
Kisha!
Ray? Ray!
It's a good thing I drank
that Hennessy earlier.
I can't feel shit, homie!
- I think Kisha's dead.
- Good!
Let's get the tuck
outta here, homie!
Listen. We were never here.
- I'm with you, Cuz.
- All right. Deuces!
We ghost hunters!
I don't know about
this place, baby.
You've said that about
every house we looked at.
There's just something creepy
about this place, like...
give me the heebie-jeebies...
like somethin' bad
happened in here.
Well, I love it. And I love you.
There you go, bribin'
me with vag*na.
- Whatever works.
- Know when I'm weak.
Disgusting.
Oh, it's disgusting
when we do it...
but when you kissing
the whole entire...
sophomore class it's cool, huh?
Gimme that damn
camera, you little gnat!
- Finger. Real creative.
- Cut her some slack.
She's just goin' through a phase.
Yeah, a phase. It's called "whore."
- Look at that. Last a lifetime.
- Malcolm, stop!
No, see, that's a phase.
Looks like he met an
imaginary friend. It's normal.
What you doin' there, buddy?
Wanna help me load some boxes?
- Cool!
- A'right. My man!
- Sorry, Malcolm. I can't.
- Why not?
Tony says, "Aw, hell
no! I ain't yo' sl*ve!"
Is it me or does his
imaginary friend sound black?
Pretty progressive.
Why don't you and
your friend go play?
Okay. That game sounds like fun!
I don't like the
tripping game, Tony.
Look at all that sexy. Come here.
Gimme a kiss. Let's piss
off your forefathers.
Malcolm, it's 2013.
Interracial relationships
are not a big deal anymore.
Yeah, you tell that to the sistas.
You know, they be like,
"Oh, I know he didn't!"
"He did not kiss that
pasty ass white bitch!"
Pasty?
"Yes! Not with them
old thin ass lips.
Look at them, look
like baloney slices!"
"See he spray scrippin' and
it don't make no damn sense."
Come here, Shiloh Junior.
There's my baby boy.
I still can't believe you
named our dog Shiloh Junior.
Well, I was gonna name him
Shiloh ll or Shiloh the Sequel...
but he wouldn't answer to
those, so Shiloh Junior it is.
C'mon! Hey, come on, Shiloh Junior.
Babe, are you gettin' this?
I don't understand your
obsession with cameras.
Hey, you can never have
too many cameras, okay?
Hey, Shiloh! Come on, baby.
You ready to go see your
new house, Shiloh Junior?
Come on, Shiloh
Junior. Shiloh Junior!
Hey, get inside.
Don't make me put
bass in my voice. Hey!
Shiloh!
God, I don't know
what's wrong with him.
Shit! Breathe!
I'm gonna call 9-1-1!
Call 9-1-1. Tell
'em the dog is white!
Tell 'em the dog is white!
Oh, God. I got a pulse.
Breathe! Shiloh, like this...
f*ck! Oh, my back!
Oh my f*ckin' back!
Please, help me!
My f*ckin' dog is a pancake!
Get me a g*dd*mn pump!
It's working! Come on!
Meet me at the hospital!
The hospital's that way!
So young, never had a
chance to lick his balls.
I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm good.
You know, I'm just so happy
I got to spend time with Shi...
It's just every time I try
and say the name Shiii...
Shiloh!
Oh, God, it hurts! Oh, God!
It's tingly in... Oh God!
I'm goin' with you! Oh, God!
Time to go, bye-bye.
Shiloh!
Junior.
You could put a whole lot
of birth control in that.
I really hate you.
That's what your daddy said.
That's why the n*gga gone.
What've you got there?
An old box that I
found in the basement.
Don't you think we should
return it to the prior owners?
If they wanted it, they would've
taken it in the first place.
Okay, look, Becky,
I'm not your dad.
I'm just the guy
that's like... your mom.
So I'll make you a deal.
I'll let you keep the box...
if you promise to try and make
this work between me and you, okay?
- It's for your mom.
- Fine.
I think we're gettin' somewhere.
- Qu pasa, mi amigo?
- Qu pas, hombre?
Aqui noms, me tiene trabajando
como n*gro. Est cabrn.
No habla espaol.
I just do that when I'm talkin'
to negritos. It's all good.
- Did he just call me a n*gg*r?
- What's goin' on, bro?
We just moved in with
my girl right here...
and we was just wonderin' maybe if
you want to add us to your route?
Are you serious? Dude,
I live here, puto!
- It's my house!
- Oh shit! I'm sorry.
I just assumed... you got
the gloves and the hat...
and the lawnmower and the truck.
'Cause I'm Mexican I must be Jose!
Are you?
- No, fool! My name is Miguel!
- Is that your truck?
- Yeah, that's my truck!
- Then who's Jose?
That's my middle name. You
wanna guess my last name?
You guys are here,
you might as well.
I don't know. Rodriguez?
- That's r*cist, bro.
- You asked...
- Did he ask me or what?
- I'm just f*ckin' with you!
For the record, my
name is Miguel Jose...
Jess Gonzlez... Smith.
Wait, wait, wait. Your
last name is Smith?
Yeah, I'm Mexican on my mom's side.
So, why is there
Gonzlez on your truck?
Shit, would you trust your
garden to a guy named Smith?
True. True. Hey, my
name is Malcolm, bro.
- I bet your last name is Johnson.
- See, that's some r*cist shit!
- Am I right?
- But you're right!
Nice to meet you, man.
Yeah, it's a pleasure meeting you!
I can cut your grass on Tuesdays.
What can I say, I'm a
gardener by ethnic default.
Be good, negrito! Watch out, guera!
What? You gonna try
and tease a brother?
That's a invite? Come
here, let's do the quickie.
One, two, I'm done.
- What's that?
- What? Oh! That's Abigail.
I found her in the
wardrobe that was left here.
Well, put it back. Hey, stop!
She's creepy!
- We look alike.
- Yeah, same eyes and pigtails.
Wait, no, no, don't
put it on the bed!
How you doin'?
Oh, you ain't gonna
say nothin', huh?
So... Girl you stupid.
You don't want none
of this? Come here.
I can't play with it but you can.
Oh, you gonna bite
my lip? Take that!
You f*ckin' like this!
It was gonna come.
It was gonna come!
Just wanna put the tip in. I'm
gonna put the tip in a minute...
Look at that.
You got that goody.
Bite the pillow, bite
that f*ckin' pillow.
You gonna eat my
butt now. Oh, shit!
n*gga... she... she lickin' that.
Oh, you taste like
doo-doo. But I love it!
You on the pill? I don't
wanna get you pregnant.
You wanna little doll babies?
They gonna have my
eyes or yo' eyes...
You gonna give me splinters!
f*ck this shit, man. I wanna cry!
Don't look. Don't
look. Hold on a second.
This side is wet with
soap, this one is dry.
I'll clean you up, baby.
I mighta leaked in you.
I don't know if I came,
I leaked a little bit.
That's a'right. You
ain't even ovulatin'.
Why you trippin'?
Come on, stop worrying.
- Honey, we're home!
- Shit! You gotta go!
- Shit! No!
- Malcolm!
- Hi, honey!
- Honey, where are you?
You gotta go! We...
I'm just upstairs!
You gotta get outta here.
f*ck!
Shit!
"Hanging Out".
Sounds a little soft for
my taste, but... f*ck it.
Yeah, I don't think this is right.
Maybe I should download the manual.
I seen some shit,
but that was crazy!
A demonic figure tried to
hang a family in the backyard.
I gotta keep this from
Megan and the kids.
Is it weird that I
was aroused by this?
Why is my d*ck bending in my jeans?
Hello?
Hello?
- Twinkle little star...
- Who is this? Hello!
It's the Devil!
That's a ugly m*therf*cker.
Is that Steven Tyler?
What the hell? Same tree!
Shit! Kisha?
Baby, what you doin'!
I almost dumped the f*ck out you!
You got to holler at me!
You can't just be walkin' up.
You gotta give me like
a "whoop-ti-whoo"...
a "kakow!" or a "tsh-tsh"!
Just make your own up.
Please announce yourself!
Honey, you look like
you've seen a ghost.
I think I did.
Wait. So now I look like a ghost.
Excuse me, where
you goin' with this?
So now I'm too pasty for you?
I can't do anything about that!
Unless you want me to get
skin cancer from the sun.
And what, deep nasty wrinkles...
and then they'll have
to give me chemo...
and I'll lose all my hair,
and then I'll look like...
a nasty bald raisin!
Is that what you want?
Is that what you want?
I don't want you to
look like a raisin!
I don't like to date raisins,
I don't like the raisins...
on Morgan Freeman's face!
I don't like the new
ones that Obama got...
the young raisins on his face!
I don't like raisins. So
please, don't look like a raisin.
I need to go meditate and
get my chi back in alignment.
What chi? It was just...
- Walk to the light!
- It's bedtime.
What you all dressed up
for? We goin' to a club?
Formal party? We
goin' to a Pajama Jam?
- Just bed.
- Come on, Megan.
You gotta be more comfortable
with this relationship...
You're right.
Put on some sweat pants and some...
Oh, my Jesus Lord! You're naked!
I am. I like being naked, though.
I could be naked all day.
All day? But come on,
that's not practical, hon.
You got a job.
You don't wanna be on the bus
naked or in Starbucks naked.
Why not?
'Cause that coffee
spill on you, it's hot!
It's gonna leave a scar.
Melt one of your
nipples off or somethin'.
The camera's on, baby.
Good. Just make sure
you film my good side.
What the f*ck? Are you serious?
We gonna get all angles on that...
Oh, shit.
Baby, your creepy doll
is makin' my d*ck scared.
Just let her watch.
You just said the right
type of nasty shit!
Oh, God! I gotta
replenish my uids.
After round two.
- That was wild.
- Come here, Malcolm.
What, aren't you done yet?
I am now. Ready for round three?
Seriously...
No ms. No ms. Oh, my God!
Baby, you gotta train
for some shit like this!
Come on, Malcolm, bell's
ringing. Time for round four.
No, no, baby. My ding-ding's
knocked out cold.
I can't do it. Corner's
throwin' in the towel!
Let's go, Malcolm.
I gotta get some Enswell if
we keep goin'! Wait, no, baby!
Right now she is
tearin' me up! My God!
Want me to choke you?
Is that what you like?
Stop being a bitch!
Yeah! Come on! Oh,
you want some of this?
You like that? It's
kinda like a blindfold...
except you can't f*ckin' breathe!
- Feel like you're dyin'?
- Thing just moved!
Except you can't f*ckin' breathe!
Thing was watching!
You little...
Who was watching?
Oh, baby, come
here. Check this out!
- Oh, my God!
- Did you see it?
- How could I not?
- I thought I was trippin'!
I am so fat! Look at me!
I look like a huge blubber ass!
- I'm like Miss Piggy in there!
- What're you talking about?
You were gonna sh**t my good side.
I did sh**t your good side.
Look, I got all that ass up in...
Look at all that ass, girl.
I'm black, brothers like an ass.
You know I do mean that
as a compliment, right?
I see what's going on.
You hate my vag*na! You
think it's too loose!
It's not! It's only
on the outside...
but once you choose a wall,
it's pretty damn tight.
You know what, Malcolm,
I have had two kids!
I mean, do you think the stork just
dropped 'em off on the doorstep?
No! You're knocked
up for nine months...
and then your lady parts
are stretched to limits...
you cannot even fathom!
Okay, baby. I think
your vag*na's cute.
Erase the tape or we are
never having sex again.
- Well, since you put it that way.
- Erase the tape!
- Okay, I'm erasin' the tape!
- I want to see you do it.
- I'm erasing the tape.
- Erase it right now! Do it!
- Baby, I like the way your vag*na...
- Erase the tape!
It's not loose! I
like the way it sounds!
Sound like it was
blowin' speakers. It's...
You know, it's kinda
like W. Ferse's bebop!
Who the hell's hittin' me? Abigail?
You got a page?
"In a relationship
with Malcolm Johnson"?
I only hit it once!
What in the hell?
I think I might've
f*cked the wrong bitch.
Now she's blowin' up my cell phone?
Look at that.
Straight up stalker! She's crazy!
Listen, it's time to turn
my camera game up a level.
I'm talkin' bathrooms,
countertops, computers...
stuffed animals, mouths and asses!
It's goin' down
everywhere! I'm live.
Kitchen? Oh, yeah, I see you.
Perfect. Yeah, and
I got the ass, too.
All inconspicuous.
Told you, cameras everywhere.
Hey, Becky, wanna
play Hide and Clap?
f*ck off!
That's, "No, thank you."
Let's do this. Ah,
lady's blindfold.
You got this out your
momma's room, right?
Oh, boy.
Things me and your
momma do with this!
Sometimes she tie my
hands and ip me over...
and toss that... salad.
- Tony likes salad.
- Anyway.
I'll put this on. Let's do it!
One, two, three. First clap!
Come on. Come on. Gimme a clap.
Yeah, I'm gettin' close.
I smell you. I smell you.
You smell like kids, like
worms, coins and doo-doo. Like...
Shit!
Can we just play Tag next
time? I just wanna play Tag.
Wyatt? Wyatt?
Where you at, you little shit?
Third clap.
I got you, Wyatt.
I win! You took your blindfold off.
You're right, Tony.
Malcolm is an idiot.
Take your camera, loser.
Yeah, I wanna learn
how to start a fire.
What the... hell was that?
I coulda swore...
Shit!
f*cked you up!
f*ck, are you crazy!
Who the f*ck are you!
- Malcolm! Oh my God!
- Baby?
You can't be jumpin' out
on brothers like that.
You'll get knocked the
f*ck out every time.
- It was supposed to be a joke!
- You okay?
'Cause I f*cked you up!
Like, I hit you with the
force, like with the follow-up.
I wanna ask they
replay that shit. Damn!
'Cause you got
froze. You went, "Oh!"
"Please help me."
God, I hope this works.
What is that thing?
That is not human.
That was weird.
Damn.
- I caught yo' ass!
- No, you didn't.
Bullshit!
Becky...
It's your box.
What?
I want you to touch me.
Okay.
Not that box.
You know I love you
and those kids, right?
I'm gonna do everything in my
power to keep you guys protected.
Yeah.
- What was that?
- What?
- That!
- The wind?
n*gga, the windows
are closed! Okay?
I'm tellin' you, that was
either a ghost or a demon.
Or maybe it was a demon
pregnant with a ghost.
Oh, this is cute!
I'm gonna so wear this,
all day, every day.
What if it's a burglar?
Why the f*ck are you
excited? It's a burglar!
Either way it goes,
it's some scary shit!
Okay, not all burglars are scary.
- It is a burglar or a ghost!
- If you talk to him, he'll leave.
- You sh**t it in the face!
- You've talked to him already.
If the m*therf*cker's
foot do this...
- ...you sh**t him in the face again!
- That is way too harsh.
What're you gonna do?
- I'll handle it.
- What're you gonna do?
sh**t him.
You are not allowed to sh**t
anyone in the face, mister!
Becky?
What in the...? Becky! Oh, God!
Becky! Becky!
Becky! Oh, my God!
- Get me somethin', Megan! Becky!
- Here's the y swatter!
That's just gross. That
f*ckin' sound, it bothers me.
- Use this!
- Gimme!
- Here's what I got!
- Gimme!
Get that thing outta
here! I got an idea!
Come on! Bitch, why
ain't you movin'?
f*ck!
See, now this is a good idea.
A'right. G'night, Becky.
Night, sweetheart.
- Hey, buddy, what you doin'?
- Havin' a tea party.
You wanna go outside and do
somethin' a little more masculine?
- Like play some football?
- No, not really.
Don't sit there!
That's Tony's seat!
Oh, sorry.
My bad, Tony.
Tony says, "No problem,
bee-yotch." Want some tea?
Yeah.... sure.
You know, Wyatt, about
your little buddy Tony...
I don't think he's such
a good Influence on you...
know what I mean?
- What the...? That's straight vodka!
- Tony calls it tea.
He drinks a lot of tea.
I really think you guys
need to stop this friendship.
He doesn't think
that's such a good idea.
You know what, you tell Tony...
that I said you and him ain't
gonna be friends no more...
and that's final!
On second thought, you and Tony
have a beautiful friendship.
Okay, I'll be downstairs
doin' somethin'...
With less f*ckin' chairs.
This isn't good.
It's happening again.
It's really f*ckin' happening.
What the f*ck?
Who is it?
Hello?
That's a spooky knock.
Oh, you better run!
Knock on my door, come
out there and slap you...
What the f*ck!
I got a knife!
"Miss Me?" Abigail!
Aw, hell no! Look, we gotta talk.
This is a mistake, okay?
This shit gotta stop.
It's gone too far.
You see this? "Miss me"?
In the house with Megan,
are you f*ckin' crazy?
I take full responsibility,
all right? This is my bad.
I don't mean to sound
clichd. It's not you, it's me.
Don't play f*ckin' innocent
with me, you knew I had a girl!
I'm just bein' selfish right now.
I would love to have
you and Megan and...
be honest with you,
my stuffed animals.
I'd like to bring them in the mix.
I'm tryin' to make this work.
You're just not makin' it easy.
I swear to... f*ck!
You see what you made me
do? Only you do this to me!
f*ckin' crazy!
Oh, you lucky my momma
told me, don't hit b*tches!
Enough.
f*ck, you scare...
I didn't touch you!
I didn't touch you!
You get outta my life, I'll
get outta yours. I'm done.
Make no mistake...
after this, it's over.
You ready to go again? Yeah.
- Hello, Malcolm?
- Professor Wilde. How you doin'?
Malcolm, I'm glad you reached out.
What exactly am I
dealing with here?
Well, the being you
described to me is a demon!
f*ck, I knew it!
A rare and obscure one
from Babylonian times...
named Ahghoul. And
he's a trickster!
And chances are this is not your
first encounter with this demon.
Have you had paranormal
experiences in your past?
Actually, yeah. About a year ago.
This is way worse
than I had thought...
- Oh, shit!
- f*ck!
n*gga, I thought
somebody was sh**t'!
Thai food!
It's spicy going in, but
it's twice as spicy going out!
That's scientifically impossible!
I smell you in here!
What in the hell!
Excuse me.
- I hire based on skill level.
- Are those titties?
Ladies, remember, we're
making meth, not baby aspirin.
All the stories revolve
around Ahghoul's attempts...
to trick people into
bringing him into our world...
and it can come in the
form of a possession...
a spirit that only
a child can see...
or an ancient object that
lures in the impressionable.
So what you're saying is something
is coming after me and my family.
Malcolm, that's
exactly what I'm saying.
Damn it, Jessica, you've got
your tit in the pseudophedrine!
Sorry, Malcolm. I
wish you good luck.
Gotta get my "Breaking Bad" on.
Tonight you drown.
Not again.
Sink. Sink. Sink.
Ruined a perfectly
good leather jacket!
That's it. Now we drown. Drown!
Drown!
Prepare to meet Hell.
God, that hurl!
My balls. This isn't over!
Is Ahghoul the same demon
that possessed Kisha?
When are the
Republicans gonna slip...
and call Obama the N-word?
When are they gonna stop
makin' scary movies...
without the Wayans?
They f*ckin' suck!
What the hell?
Steroids, bitch!
You messed with the
wrong n*gga today!
Baby, put it down!
What are you doing?
I come in the hallway,
f*ckin' creepy box...
with somethin' weird
f*ckin' alive in it!
And I knew that it
was death in the box!
So I k*lled it!
- Baby, it was a gift!
- But it ain't Christmas.
- Baby, no.
- Kwanzaa?
You were so upset when
Shiloh Junior died...
that the kids and I
thought we would get you...
- Don't look. Don't look.
- Oh, my God!
Wyatt, go to your room!
I k*lled a baby.
Oh God, I think
it's still breathing.
- You're so f*cking crazy.
- He's still breathing.
I gotta take him out of
misery. I gotta k*ll him!
Becky?
A'right, let's see
what's in this box now.
God! Wow! That stinks!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Nothing. Just...
You know your pillows
have blue faces on 'em?
- Stay away from my box!
- Calm down!
- Would you calm down?
- I don't wanna calm down.
I want you to stay
away from my box!
Do you have to say "box" so loud?
What is going on in here?
Nothing. We just
playin'. Dolls 'n stuff.
Malcolm came into my
room and touched my box.
- Malcolm, is this true?
- Yes, but only for like two seconds.
It was stinking!
Like, it was rancid!
Here, smell this. I don't
know how she play with that!
He had two fingers in
my tight little box, Mom.
Stop lyin'.
Baby, there's nothin'
tight about her box.
It's f*ckin' huge! I could
put my whole fist in it.
Like, I almost was up to here
for a second. It's crazy big.
You said, "No means no!"
And that is exactly
what I said. I said "No!"
- I did.
- Time the f*ck out.
She's trying to Dateline
Special the n*gga!
Where's Chris Hansen? Chris! Chris!
Chris, come on, I know
you around here somewhere!
I know he's in here somewhere.
You tryin' to set a n*gga up!
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Right now.
There's something really
strange goin' on in this house.
Wyatt? Wyatt, see,
Wyatt used to be my boy.
Like that was my lil' n*gga,
like we was like boom-boom!
When my dog died, that
lil' n*gga helped me dah!
But lately, he hasn't
even talked to me!
Like, he won't even play with me!
His little imaginary friend,
Tony? I don't think he's really...
- You're crazy, Tony.
- Imagine that.
Did you see that shit?
Look! You missed it!
Okay, look, forget him. Becky.
There's something in that
old box she carries around...
that's making her go crazy!
She sleeps with it,
she eats with it...
she even goes to
the bathroom with it!
Who takes a shit with
a box in their hand?
It's f*ckin' weird!
And by "weird' you mean
I'm a terrible mother.
What? No. Wait.
Where did you go? Hold
on a minute. Hold on.
If you were just a
little less judgmental...
she wouldn't feel like she
needs to carry her pain...
- around in a "box"!
- This is not about me!
It is always about you, Malcolm!
"You're too fat, you're
a terrible parent...
you like black guys 'cause
they have bigger cocks!"
That sounds like
you! Do you see this?
That's not f*ckin' normal!
Okay, she is just
trying to get attention!
When she was a baby,
she would cry and cry...
and cry all damn day in her crib...
until finally she realized
I wasn't gonna come...
and pick her up!
If you were a parent
you'd know it's called...
the "cry it out method", Malcolm!
Just pick the little bitch up!
She needs to learn somethin', too.
See what I'm saying?
- That is called parenting.
- Wow! Mother of the Year.
Thank you.
That crazy doll keyed my car!
Bro, somebody f*cked your car up!
You wouldn't know anybody...
- ...with a auto body shop?
- Are you serious?
Why, contrary to popular belief...
all Mexicans don't have body shops.
What, you think we
all have low riders...
with a bunch of
primer all over it...
with a frickin' Mexican horn?
You think I have like six kids
and all my relatives livin' there?
Probably chase Chihuahuas
and make burritos...
is that what you think?
- Look at the neighborhood, man!
- I didn't think any of that!
- I just want my f*ckin' car fixed!
- I'm just f*ckin' with you, bro!
You're so easy, man. Oh, shit.
I got a cousin, his
name is Chucho...
he can hook all that
shit up, all right?
Stop f*ckin' with
the crazy b*tches.
I gotta go, I got the
family waiting. All right?
Be good, man!
Where did she go?
- Take it easy, vato!
- Where you goin'?
Goin' to the swap meet.
We're gonna get some Chihuahuas.
Now that's r*cist!
So I moved into the house across
the street and I just love it.
The streets are so quiet.
It's perfect for a haunting.
You know, I never got your name.
Kisha? What in the f*ck!
- You two know each other?
- Oh! Well, yeah.
You know the boyfriend that
I told you abandoned me...
and left me in a ditch to die?
That's him.
- Awkward!
- Yeah!
I think I'll let
you two have at it.
And thank you so much,
Megan, for the coffee, really.
And, Malcolm, it
was great seeing you.
See you around, Malcolm.
Really?
How come you never
told me about her?
Well, it was just a time in my
life I just wanted to forget.
You need to star': remembering.
She was f*cking beautiful!
- She was a'ight.
- "A'ight"?
- I mean, she got nice legs.
- Legs.
- Little ass, but...
- Ass. How 'bout all this?
It's fuckable. Okay? But
that's the... all this...
She's crazy!
She was crazy, baby,
like she was possessed!
- You mean she was possessive.
- No, the bitch was possessed.
- What?
- Yes!
First of all, she
was verbally abusive.
Hey, baby, what's for dinner?
Eat your mothers
p*ssy you f*cking f*ck!
It was like she gave up.
Eventually I was able to
drag her to couples' therapy.
Dr. Rousch, me and my girlfriend,
we're kinda goin' through...
a little rough patch.
I mean, she won't
communicate with me.
No matter what I do,
she just sits there.
Okay, and she'll
growl a little bit.
Yes, I can hear that.
And the smallest
things just set her off.
Like crucifixes, or questions.
Is that right, Kisha?
You got a prescription
for "crazy bitch"?
Oh, Malcolm, I'm so sorry.
- It sounds horrible.
- Well, wasn't all bad.
- Wait, I'm come.
- Shut up, you little bitch!
I think you just
knocked out a tooth!
Whose ass is this,
huh? Whose ass is this?
The Devil's!
See, now you just made it weird.
Look at me, goddamnit!
Oh, my God, that was awesome!
Oh baby, you're
makin' my toes do this.
You're makin' my toes do this.
Really, Malcolm?
You know what they say
about the crazy ones.
What? Too soon?
There's somethin'
goin' on with this box.
I'm gonna get to
the bottom of this.
What the heck is this
little pervert doin'?
Oh, dude, that is just weird!
Oh, really?
What kind of sweet
tooth fairy is this?
- This n*gga need a daddy.
- "Dear Diary.
I lost my virginity to Joey today.
Actually, that's not totally true.
I mean, I've only
had sex with seven...
teen guys...
but only in the butt,
so it doesn't count."
"I mean, I've sucked
a lot of dicks, Diary.
I stopped counting after
the blowjob party...
at Ashley's house.
There must've been
30 or 40 guys there."
She ain't got no bone in her neck.
She got that Plastic Man.
"PS: Diary, I'll never
stop sucking dicks. Ever!"
Would you look there?
A mood ring. So, what mood is that?
It's called: "You're
not my father".
Yeah, that's bitchy
lil' white teenager.
See, that'll get you slapped
in most black neighborhoods.
Are you okay?
Becky?
That is some serious meat-mouth
you got goin' on there.
It's easier going down than it
is coming up. Yeah, it's weird.
Breath smell like sirloin.
I hope that hole
cold ain't contagious.
Professor, it's kinda loud there.
Did I catch you at a bad time?
Endicott? I'm a sativa man.
I got important shit to do!
Hold on! I'm at a party.
I need some of my medicine.
Professor! How do I
get rid of the demon?
Professor! Professor!
Malcolm, that demon's tryin'
to get to you through...
your family and
he's not gonna stop!
You've got the
paranormal equivalent...
of a perfect storm, my friend!
Oh shit! The po-po!
Professor, please! What's goin' on?
I got 12 ounces of crystal
meth jammed up my anus.
I gotta get outta here!
- Police!
- Oh, f*ck!
Professor! Professor, please!
- Hands up now!
- I can't go back in!
Professor! How do I
get rid of the demon?
You're under arrest! You
on the screen, freeze!
Hey, knothead!
Oh no, not my favorite
shirt. That bitch.
What the...?
Oh, my God! Are you
f*cking kidding me?
No, no, no! Not my clothes! No!
Oh, shit! This crazy wooden bitch!
She's burning my clothes!
Oh, my God! Oh, it's
"Fatal Attraction".
She's gonna boil a rabbit!
She's gonna boil a rabbit!
- Can I get you somethin' to drink?
- Sure, man.
- Tequila?
- Really, bro?
What, you bring the
Mexican into your house and:
"He must want tequila, we
should give him tequila."
"I'm glad he parked his burro
so now I can offer him...
some of his beverage."
I bet you this shit
has a worm in it.
Should've walked in here with
a serape and a sombrero...
for you too, huh? That's what
you wanted really, wasn't it?
You get me all worked up, man!
Look, I could use a drink now.
What kind of tequila
is it? Is it silver?
'Cause I can't drink that
gold shit. That's for cholos.
- Thank you, man.
- We're becomin' friends, right?
Now we are.
- I could trust you with things.
- I mean, I can keep a secret, man.
I'm good at that shit.
The neighbors next door
to me don't even know...
there's a black
guy living here yet.
So, what do you wanna talk about?
Okay, you know the people that
lived in this house before me?
Was there anything
strange goin' on...
like were they actin'
weird or anything?
You saw somethin' a little...
- spooky, or supernatural...?
- I seen some shit.
Come on, man, you don't
believe in that, do you?
'Cause if you did, you
know, you'd have been like...
"n*gg*r, I'm out!
Not gonna do this."
You mean to tell me you don't
believe in the paranormal?
'Course I believe in that
shit! I'm half Mexican, bro!
I believe in all that shit
people don't believe in.
Freakin' La Llorona, El Cucui,
Chupacabra, Bigfoot, Obamacare.
Interracial dating. Nuclear w*r.
You name it, I'm all for it.
Me personally, I wouldn't
stay one night in this house.
Oh, shit!
Look, I'm gonna be
honest with you, bro.
When I first found out that
there was a black guy...
movin' in the neighborhood...
I was like... there goes
the property value...
I'm gonna have to
keep the kids inside...
there's gonna be gangs...
I'm gonna have to cover graffiti,
but you turned out to be okay.
You're really cool!
You're very accommodating.
I think I can help you.
Really.
I need you to cut
the chicken's neck.
Oh, hell f*ckin' no!
You wanna get rid
of the demon or not?
I know, but can't we just
go down to the store...
- ...and just like, buy a chicken?
- No, man!
You need a blood sacrifice.
Right. Come here. Let's do it.
Hold on! Hold up, wait a second!
Let me get my shit together.
You gonna shit in my
baby's cereal, chicken?
You wanna piss on my
momma? In her face?
I'll f*ck your thing!
Where did you get this
chicken? Your uncle's farm?
No! A cock fighting ring.
You so dead, motherfucka.
Whassup, chicken,
you scared? Whassup?
You don't want none
of this, m*therf*cker!
Bite him back,
Malcolm! Bite him back!
Drown, bitch!
I'll k*ll your ass!
Watch what I do to
your f*ckin' baby!
What you doin', man? What'd you do?
This pollo is loco!
You got him, Malcolm! That's right!
Yeah, you f*cked that chicken.
You gotta go to that
great bucket in the sky!
Tell the Colonel I said hi!
Shit!
That was like an intense-ass
game of Angry Birds, man!
f*ck, bro, you did it! I
think this house is clean!
Well, maybe not clean, but
the demon's gone for sure.
What the hell are we gonna do
with all this chicken, Malcolm?
Oh, yeah, ask the black guy.
Cheers. Right on!
What in the f*ck!
You! This is nuts!
You hear me, you googly-eyed
bitch wanton bitch! Come on!
You're making me
bury your f*ckin' ass!
Get in there!
Die there, bitch!
B-I-T...
f*ckin' bitch!
You want some of this?
All right, prepare
to meet your maker!
That's right, I'm sending
you back to Taiwan!
You smell like piss and shit!
Come on! You make me sick!
You know what brown can
do for me? Take this!
You sign! Get the f*ck outta here!
See, I tried to do it the easy way.
Now you're gonna make me violent.
Come on, you f*ck! Shut up!
How you like that, bitch?
I want you to watch.
Let's see you writing now!
Miss me? This is fun.
We about to have a
barbecue. Get in there.
Yeah! Hey, how you doin'?
You gonna f*ckin' burn today, baby!
That's what f*cking
hell feels like!
You f*ckin', f*ckin' doll!
I don't want you!
Just die, you little...
I'll f*ckin' cut your
g*dd*mn eye out, you bitch!
Malcolm!
- Don't say nothing.
- What did you do to our room?
Honey, it's not what
it looks like, okay?
- Really?
- Listen, listen to me.
This one, she's crazy!
It's not me, she's crazy!
- You're crazy. You're crazy.
- No, honey!
- It's not what it looks like!
- Yeah, right.
I'm not done wit' you,
you f*ckin' home-wrecker!
God!
See, nobody will
listen to the black guy!
So everybody dead! I see
how you lookin' at me.
Let me tell you somethin':
This house is haunted.
You know that little doll
that you like so much? Abigail?
Let me tell you
somethin' about Abigail.
She's alive!
That's right, she's alive!
Not like alive, alive, but
alive as in "is possessed."
You know how I know?
'Cause it made me have
sex with it! Repeatedly!
Upstairs, downstairs, in
the kitchen, in the yard!
While you were sleepin' next to us!
Right there where
you're sitting, twice!
And that's why, when you came
upstairs and you caught me...
and I was k*lling the doll,
because I was just like...
"You're f*ckin' up
my relationship!"
And that box? It's cursed!
That box and that box.
That's haunted with a demon.
That box, cursed with dudes.
But that's a whole 'nother story.
And your son, his little
imaginary friend...
that teaches him curse words
and gets him crunk on vodka!
Yeah, yeah, I'm blowing
your spot, little man.
- Well, he's not so imaginary!
- He's cray!
No, no, no. You
cray! You cray-cray!
You and your whole lot
of other ethnic words...
that's goin' out of style.
You ain't funky fresh or dope.
So, how 'bout that, cray-cray?
Mom, he's scaring me.
Is that the n*gga
whose room exploded?
I'm scarin' you! Opie,
you somethin' else!
You know what, that's it.
I've had enough of this
whole haunted house craziness!
It's bad enough that
you think it's real...
but now you're scaring the kids!
- I'm scaring the kids!
- Yes!
Ain't that the pot
callin' the kettle a n*gga!
No, no, no, baby!
Your kids are scaring me! Okay?
Look at this one!
She's Marilyn Manson in the skin...
and Charlie Manson in the eyes!
Her eyes are crazy, okay?
That's a crazy woman
carryin' around a box...
like f*ckin' Lionel
on the Peanuts...
and he's hangin' out with
dead n*gg*s and I'm crazy?
So, what am I supposed
to do with all this?
Maybe you weren't ready!
Maybe we moved in too soon.
Maybe you're not
ready for a family!
But we come as a
package deal, okay?
This ain't about you or them, okay?
Bullshit.
No! Hey! Don't touch that shit!
Don't touch it!
There's a demon ring.
Don't you answer that, you hear?
That's the devil
callin' right there.
That is an evil
ring! You hear that?
Yeah, I said it, a demon ring!
And you can insta tweet
that on your gram-o-vine!
Nobody touch it!
Stop ringing!
Stop ringing! Stop!
- That's a demon callin'.
- Malcolm? Your pocket.
We gotta change my ringer.
Why do we even have
home phones anymore?
I mean...
Yeah? Who is it?
What the hell?
Hey, how you doin',
officer? What's goin' on?
We got a call about
a domestic dispute.
Are you Malcolm Johnson?
Yeah, that's me, but
there's no dispute.
I mean, the phone, but...
- You're under arrest.
- For what?
- Oh, my God!
- Just raised the voice a little bit!
How could I call?
My phone is broken!
I know what... It's
the doll! It's the doll!
It was the doll, brother, listen!
There's this doll, I was
f*ckin' this doll, right?
- He's on PCP.
- No, I'm not on PCP!
You f*ckin' bitch!
You f*ckin' bitch!
You f*ckin' bitch!
Malcolm, maybe this
is for the best.
Canister of gas for death.
Now you burn... fire.
What is...
Malcolm?
Malcolm?
Damn, son, you look f*cked up!
Don't look at me. Don't look at me!
Mom, your man's in here
pukin' like a little bitch!
See that shit, Tony?
Sometimes the victim
may be tormented...
by more than one demon.
These cases lead to transference.
Trans who? What the
f*ck is that, dog?
- Father Williams! Mind your tongue.
- You are a man of the cloth!
Damn man, ain't like I'm
rapin' mu'f*ckers no more...
you know what I'm sayin'?
Shit. Keep on wit' your
little lesson, brother.
Victims have also been known
to break their own bones...
- ...during the possession.
- True. That happened to me.
I was first in prison, I was
tryin' to give myself head, right?
'Cause I ain't know nobody.
If I woulda knew somebody,
I wouldn't have had...
to do it to myself. And
it wasn't no, no gay shit.
- First get that out your head.
- That's enough!
I've had enough of your insolence!
My what? My insolence?
Dog, you gonna bring up
my condition right now?
You gonna bring up
my diabetes, dog!
Talkin' 'bout my insolence.
'Cause I like cake?
Yeah, I like cake, guys.
I like cake, birthday
cake, all kinds of cake.
Now come on, cake, cake, cake!
Man, you know what?
I'm sick o' yo' shit!
Get outta here!
Everybody break out.
Get your boy wit' you.
Yeah. I mean really, man.
Wooh. Malcolm?
Hey, Father Williams!
f*ck, n*gga, what'd I tell
you about callin' me that?
- I'm sorry. Hey, Doug!
- Roll down, man!
I'm sorry you caught that, man.
I'm so stressed out, man.
I had to shank a mo'fu.
You saw that, right?
- I didn't see nothin'.
- That's a good answer.
That's a good answer.
If you saw it, if you
woulda said yes, I woulda...
That's all right, I
don't have nothin'.
That's the only one I had.
I used to have two shanks,
but I don't keep that anymore.
I stopped doin' two shanks...
'cause it just was a thang,
and ever'body was like:
"Two shanks."
Yeah, so... how you doin'?
I... I need your help.
- It's happenin', Doug.
- Hell no!
I'm not comin' over there
and f*ckin' with you...
and your creepy lil' bitch again!
I ain't even with
that bitch no more!
I'm beggin' you, man,
I just need your help.
I just don't know
who else to go to.
Let me explain to you
why I became a priest.
Now, obvious one is
for the little boys.
Yes.
- What're you talkin' about?
- It's a joke, Malcolm!
No, it was a joke.
No, it was a joke.
I did that, you know,
put it on the priests...
and we laugh, that's all.
But I don't know if I can help
you wit' your demon situation...
because I haven't
been stayin' steady...
on my demon fightin' skills,
is what I'm tryin' to tell you.
Malcolm, day after day...
when you know you can't win...
you're just prolonging
the inevitable!
All you gotta do is let them in.
Are you talkin' about the Devil?
Worse. The Kardashians.
Yeah, it's the crazy mama, it's
Kim, Khloe, Courtney crazy...
the two little ones...
they gonna be freaks. They
got Lamar, they got Scott...
Rob Fat the m*therf*cker,
Bruce with the acne.
Rob Fat the m*therf*cker,
Bruce with the acne.
What the f*ck is wrong
with Bruce Jenner face?
He look like a monster!
He scares me at night!
And he on in daytime.
He don't look like the n*gga
that was on the Wheatie box!
- And Kanye! And Kanye!
- And Julianne Hough!
- And Kanye! And Kanye!
- And Julianne Hough!
I love it and I hate it.
They took Kanye and
they changed him.
Doug, you know...
You have to let go of me, Doug.
- You can't...
- Doug, you gotta let go of me!
There's no place you can
hide. He has a plan for you.
There's no place you can
hide. He has a plan for you.
- Doug, get offa me.
- He will get you!
Doug, get your hands offa me!
What the f*ck is wrong wit' you?
Oh, you're the one that got
us out here in the hot heat!
Making me bang all on the
windows with my good church hat!
Hon, I could be at home
watchin' that new Madea movie!
What's the name of
that Madea movie...
with the little girl
from The Fresh Prince?
You know the one, she
played the head of NASA.
You know the one, she
played the head of NASA.
With the aliens!
- "Madea Goes To Mars"!
- "Madea Goes To Mars," that's it!
Hold on, ain't you that
brother that just moved...
into old Burton place?
- Yeah, it's just...
- With a white woman!
Well, she's not all the way white.
Well, she's not all the way white.
She's a white woman
damn near clear!
Come on now, it's 2013.
Interracial relationships
is not a big deal.
What?
You need to tell that
to the lonely sista.
Look at this one
right here. Right here!
Look at this one
right here. Right here!
Honey, show him how you
drop it like it's hot!
Hold up, Bertha, hold up. Hold up.
We ain't got no defibrillator.
You know what it is
with the white girl?
They do that cungalingus,
the finga-ligga-linga.
What is it, the fellatio?
That's what it is, they go deep.
That's what it is, they go deep.
- You know they ain't got no insides.
- I think that's my cue to go.
'Scuse me, sistas.
Have a good sermon.
- Where you goin'?
- Let it go! You're angry!
Brother be trippin',
that's why I got me...
Brother be trippin',
that's why I got me...
a white man at home.
- Yeah, girl.
- Vanilla my avor.
- Hello, Malcolm.
- Professor Wilde, thank God.
I been tryin' to reach you!
I'm sorry, Malcolm,
I've been a bit tied up.
I haven't been able to
find any more on Ahghoul...
though my resources
are a bit limited.
Professor? Where the hell are you?
Doin' a stretch of five to ten.
Apparently the authorities
frown on sellin' meth...
to college students.
Yeah, apparently.
You need to hang up
that computer call...
come here and kiss
me on my hot mouth.
I'm feelin' romantical.
Well, Malcolm, I suppose
I should get going.
But I will be e-mailing you
the contacts of associates...
who'll be able to help.
I don't mean to be
pushy, but any way...
you could do that
before you get r*ped?
What part of Mandingo
party do you not understand?
It's time to power
the white rabbit.
You know.... dirty the snow.
You know.... dirty the snow.
- I'm screwed.
- It's not that bad.
Lights, please. Thank you.
So after several exhausting
days of the exorcism...
I threw some holy water on
her, read an incantation...
and the demon left
the woman's body.
I suppose I just
sat back and watched.
I mean, I'm just the medium
who puts her life in danger...
Every time she reaches
out to demonic forces.
But you've got a Bible and
a bottle of holy water...
so you make the
world a safer place!
The fact is, people,
is that God is real...
the Devil is real,
and monsters exist.
They're vicious,
terrifying entities!
But the good news is,
Santa Claus doesn't exist...
so you don't have to worry
about some creepy old guy...
- ...coming down your chimney.
- What exactly are you guys?
And who the f*ck hired you?
You can call us Ned and Noreen.
You can call us Ned and Noreen.
See? This is why you don't
hire from Craig's List.
assh*le!
I don't understand why you
always have to take the credit!
I mean, even your name comes
first on our book cover...
I mean, even your name comes
first on our book cover...
and I am the one with a gift!
It's not my fault that
Ned comes before Noreen...
in alphabetical order!
Is that why Ned comes
before Noreen in the bedroom?
Just once I'd like you to do
that thing with your thumb...
and your forefinger. I think
they call it the "Shocker"?
Yeah, well, I would like
you to do that thing...
Yeah, well, I would like
you to do that thing...
with my balls and the Shocker...
Hi! Can we help you?
Yes. There's something
horrible happening in my house.
My family doesn't realize
what's going on, but I do!
I'm sure that there's
a rational explanation...
Please! They're white!
Please! They're white!
Why didn't you say that?
Oh, my God! You
should lead with that!
I mean, if you're black we just
assume that your hauntings are...
bill collectors or
r*cist police officers.
But 99% of all hauntings happen
to white people, that's a fact.
But 99% of all hauntings happen
to white people, that's a fact.
What he means to say is,
of course we'll help you.
Thank you so much.
So we're here to help you people.
And before you get worked up,
I mean "you people" as a couple.
It wasn't r*cist
till you explained it.
Yeah.
The bad news is, you have
a demon in your house.
The bad news is, you have
a demon in your house.
Here we go again.
Okay, wait. So the
house really is haunted?
Megan, it's not the
house that's haunted.
I knew it! I knew it! It's
always the little white girl.
Think about it. "The Exorcist",
"The Last Exorcism"...
Think about it. "The Exorcist",
"The Last Exorcism"...
"The Exorcism of Emily
Rose", all white girls.
'Cause ain't no black parents
gonna have no white girls...
talkin' like that.
"Bitch, whatta you mean?
Who're you cursin' at? And turn
the f*ckin' air down in here!"
Malcolm, just listen for a second.
When we first met you,
there was something...
When we first met you,
there was something...
attached to you.
That was a hemorrhoid.
That was... it's good now.
This dark entity has
attached itself to him...
and now it's feeding
off of all of you.
So what you're saying is that
this is all Malcolm's fault.
That's right.
Your family could've left here
at any time, but now you're stuck.
Your family could've left here
at any time, but now you're stuck.
Like a piece of toilet
paper stuck on your shoe...
when you leave the bathroom.
Your wife knew the whole time,
but she didn't tell you...
because she wanted
you to walk around...
- ...and look like an idiot.
- Get over it!
- ....and look like an idiot.
- Get over it!
I'm not the one who
had an affair with...
some low rent palm
reader from Akron!
And you never would've known
if you weren't a psychic!
But I am psychic, Ned!
What is that for?
What you're thinking about
doing to Megan in two seconds:
What you're thinking about
doing to Megan in two seconds:
One, two, see?
We came on short notice.
We may need an extra pair of hands.
- Anyone you trust to help?
- I know a guy. He's Mexican.
Megan, let's go to your contacts.
Hey, nice camera.
I take it your third cousin
owns electronics shops.
Somethin' like that.
He sells them out of
the back of his truck.
He sells them out of
the back of his truck.
It's a mobile operation.
Let me know if you want one.
Hey, Ned, something weird.
All these clocks stop at 3:27
when the hauntings happen.
Normally, it's 3:07.
Nope, we're on CP time.
The demon will manifest
itself in many ways.
The demon will manifest
itself in many ways.
To your son, it's
his imaginary friend.
To your daughter it's
the voice inside the box.
For Malcolm it's that
sexy little doll Abigail.
See? It's a manifestation!
You think I'd bang
a doll for no reason?
- Malcolm! Shut up.
- What we're about to do...
- Malcolm! Shut up.
- What we're about to do...
is the first step in banishing
the demon to the netherworld.
What is that?
This helps me communicate
with the demon.
Organic, hydroponically
grown OG Kush.
Very strong.
Very strong.
This is some good shit.
- Pass the man the shit.
- We grow it ourselves.
- High water bill.
- That's that shit right there!
Let me get another hit.
I'm goin' to the further.
Let me get another hit.
I'm goin' to the further.
Tony!
Tony, where are you?
Smells like that OG Kush.
Mom!
Becky!
- Cool!
- Wyatt, get upstairs!
- Cool!
- Wyatt, get upstairs!
f*ck you, you bitch!
Why are you tying
my baby to a chair?
Because the bitch
got a demon in her!
Make it stop!
This is some scary
Cucui shit right here.
I don't know who Cucui is.
I don't know who Cucui is.
A Cucui is a ghetto
Mexican bogeyman.
- Like George Lopez.
- I know, huh?
I agree, it is scary as f*ck.
This spirit is more
powerful than I thought.
We're gonna need to get a priest
to perform a real exorcism.
We're gonna need to get a priest
to perform a real exorcism.
I know a guy! He's a
little unconventional.
I don't know, Malcolm.
I know, that bitch
don't look right.
Why you gotta call her a bitch?
You disrespectin' he little ho.
n*gga, did you just sell me out?
n*gga, did you just sell me out?
There's certain words
that trigger white folk.
I mean, bitch, ho, slut.
No offense.
You can't say those words.
That's like our ni...
What the hell are
you talking about?
f*ck him.
- We would never say that.
- Only behind closed doors.
I mean, I wouldn't say it in a
bus or at the Atlanta Airport...
or in a parking lot of a KFC,
but, yeah, I would say it.
I got your back.
This is a lovely
scarf you're wearing.
It's a sash, you
know what I'm sayin'?
I'm selling these. This a
part of my new clothin' line...
"Jesus Pieces", and I got like
the shoe that the Popee wearin'...
in leather, suede, in green,
brown, and the Pope hats!
- You know what, that's enough.
- Thank you so much.
That's right.
Can we help my daughter please?
Hell, she went really
white girl on me.
"Oh, my God!" I was like, whoa!
- Speaking of white...
- Are you doin' cocaine again?
Cocaine? No, man,
this stuffs molly!
Can I try?
It's all good, it's all good.
I'm gonna take a
little pinch for later.
He's just bringing his dr*gs?
- It's molly.
- Wrap it up!
Hey, chill. Calm down, man.
Y'alls have some crazy
ass m*therf*ckers.
Y'all thought I was
gonna sh**t this bitch?
I'm just gonna p*stol
whip her until she weakens.
You're not p*stol
whipping my daughter!
I am not p*stol
whipping my daughter.
The man's a genius.
In the name of the Father
and the Holy Ghost...
I need three other white people.
Peyton Manning! Kristen Stewart.
Paula Dean!
Malcolm, where's Doug?
I can't find his
black ass in this dark!
- Where the hell is he?
- Look for eyes!
Like a forest
creature in a cartoon.
Father Doug!
He's over here! He's over here!
Doug, no! n*gga, please don't.
Father, please don't!
No, wait!
It's better if he points the
g*n at himself and not at us.
- Just talk to him, Malcolm.
- Listen to my voice, okay, Doug?
This is not what n*gg*s
do! We don't do su1c1de!
m*rder, yes! su1c1de?
That's what they do.
Yeah, we do that. I've
tried at least 20 times.
m*therf*cker got me acting
all crazy, actin' the fool!
You know damn well I
wouldn't peel my own cap!
I can't stop it! I can't stop it!
There's somethin' in my head that's
tellin' me to blow off my head.
Is it this head? Is it this head?
No, no, no! Yeah, up there!
Evenin' break. Who wants a mojito?
Oh, the black guy still got a g*n.
Oh, God! This demon is
a son of a bitch, man!
Father, why have you abandoned me?
Is it 'cause I cuss a
lot, even during prayer?
Amen, m*therf*cker sour dough.
Is it because...
I don't get Ryan
Seacrest? I don't get him.
I know what it is...
'cause I dressed up as
a foreclosure sign...
when people was getting
kicked out they house.
On Halloween I just stood there.
I know it was wrong,
but it was funny to me.
Out all of the people
on the Brady Bunch...
it was Alice that I wanted to f*ck.
In the station wagon, on top
of Mr. Brady architect desk.
Just used it for
protractors and rulers.
Is because I actually kinda
thought that it was okay...
that Chris Brown hit Rihanna?
I know that bitch hit him
first! She talk too much shit!
Shit, Island Girl,
whatcha doin' to Chris?
Why you goin' hoodies
bitchin' on my Chris?
Shut the f*ck up, bitch!
- Somebody help me.
- Doug! Fight it, Doug!
No! n*gga, that's a bigass
g*n! That's gonna hurt, n*gga.
Malcolm, he has a message for you.
He says... "Huh, bitch?"
We're gonna need another priest!
It's too late. I have
to perform the exorcism.
It's true.
Although Ned's only formal
training was a "Ghostbusters"...
summer camp back in 1988.
Never cross a stream.
Never cross them.
And he is dumb! I
mean, dumb, dumb, dumb!
The point is, you can do this!
Do you remember what you said
to me on our wedding night?
"I have whiskey d*ck and I'll
make it up to you in the morning."
No! You said God brought
us together for a reason.
Doesn't sound like me.
- Must've been really drunk.
- Just f*cking do it, dummy!
- Becky!
- Did it work?
- I'm sorry for everything!
- I think you did it!
- Oh, f*ck that!
- Oh, my God!
Time to die!
- It was him! It was him!
- Don't be like that!
It actually was him.
- Got him in the knee.
- That looked like it hurt, jeez.
- That's what you call a blowjob.
- A leaf blower?
- Don't judge me.
- Malcolm!
Demon, you leave
our daughter alone!
That's not your daughter anymore!
I didn't mean like
a daughter daughter...
Seriously? Malcolm, help her!
- Okay. Goddamnit!
- Go get 'em, buddy.
- Wyatt, are you okay?
- Yeah, but Becky...
she looks pretty f*cked up.
Demon, I'll make you a deal.
How about, you leave,
and we'll pretend...
- ...none of this ever happened.
- The bitch is mine!
You heard the man, the
bitch is his. I tried.
Seriously?
She said the bitch is his.
That's pretty emphatic.
Malcolm, please help
me. I'm so sorry.
Becky will rot in hell!
Okay, which one is it?
Rot in hell or you
want me to help you?
- Malcolm, help her!
- The bitch is confusing me!
Demon, you leave her alone!
You take me instead!
Deal.
Wait, no, no, no.
Here, take him instead!
I haven't heard a demon
scream for a while.
I think it's safe
to go back up there.
- I still have a bad feeling.
- For God's sake, come on, guys!
- Come on!
- All right.
Oh, my God! Wyatt,
get upstairs right now!
They're cuddling! The demon's gone!
I did it! This house is clean!
Look at his eyes!
They're rolling to
the back of his head!
I think he's possessed.
That's the face he makes
when he has an orgasm.
- I think he's okay, you guys.
- This is not over.
- Are you guys watching this?
- Yes, we're watching it, dummy!
I'm so intrigued by this.
Oh, man! He's all twisted
up like a chocolate pretzel!
Such exibility and dexterity!
This is making me queasy!
- He could suck his own d*ck.
- Somebody please help me!
If I could do that...
I don't think I'd
ever talk to you again.
Stop it, you unholy demon!
- That is greasy shit!
- Probably Murray's.
The power of Christ compels you!
It burn like bum piss!
That means it's working!
Pour the whole thing, like
I just won the Super Bowl!
- Go!
- Are you crazy?
Is that all you got, bitch?
Wait, guys! Stop! Everybody stop!
- Malcolm, are you okay?
- No, I think I'm gonna be sick.
What?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, my God, I can't...
- Puking like a runway model.
- I'm good. I'm good.
You're gonna want to
Febreeze all of this.
You're gonna wanna just clean this.
I feel so much better now.
Can't be too sure. Oh, shit.
I gotta get the hell outta here.
Once they see a black
guy in a pool of blood...
you know who they're
gonna come after next..
I gotta go.
- Now this place is clean.
- It sounded better when I said it.
Get the box.
- Thank you, guys, so much.
- No need to thank us.
We're happy to help. Come on, Ned.
And we'll just take
Abigail with us...
as well, for safekeeping.
Yeah, I know what you plannin'
on doing with that doll.
- No, I'm a professional.
- She's a freak bitch.
Stop it.
How come Noreen ain't
pickin' up on the vibes?
You know how when you
try to last longer...
you think about baseball?
It's kind of like that.
Throws a haze in their head.
It's the only way to survive
when you're married to a psychic.
Come on, Ned.
I know you're thinking
about f*cking that doll.
- You're had enough.
- Bye, doll.
It's so nice being able to
just relax on the couch...
and watch "The Bachelorettes".
- You didn't hear that?
- What?
My n*gga senses is tinglin'.
It's like my Spidey senses.
Would you hush? It is fine!
My white senses say we're fine.
Everything's okay. It's over.
- Okay? It's over.
- Okay, okay. I'm trippin'.
Listen to that, whiteness!
You already know how it's
going down, m*therf*ckers...
all right?
I looked in my Dora
the Explorer app...
this the motherfuckin'
correct address.
This ain't a drive-by, homie,
okay? This a walk-in, homie.
So ain't no escapin'! My
cousin is in here, Cuz!
Y'all ready?
Hey, yo, Malcolm!
Whassup my niggie? I'm here, Cuz!
What the f*ck are you
doin', man? I gotta...
This is bullshit! Oh, my God!
I'm scared as f*ck!
I'm good, dog.
Let me get my motherfuckin'
bearings together, homie.
All right, let's
go up in there, Cuz.
It smell like dead ass...
Baloney and sweat socks
up in there, homie.
It smell like Honey Boo
Boo's boo-boo, homie!
Malcolm?
Where you at, Cuz?
Ain't nobody in here, Cuz.
Oh, shit! Megan got f*cked up!
Head twisted all backwards, niggie.
Now, upon further
examination, my niggie...
this white bitch smell
like she been dead...
about a week, maybe two.
I watch "Dexter",
niggie, "CSI New York"...
"Love 'N Hip-Hop Atlanta".
Don't nobody get k*lled on
there, but they need to, my n*gga.
Stevie J, you know what I'm sayin'?
This bitch smell like poverty, Cuz!
Tae kwon do! Oh, shit!
They done k*lled the little
mini white bitch, too, Cuz!
f*ck happened down here, Cuz?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, shit! There's
another dead body, Cuz.
Who the f*ck is it,
though? Who the f*ck is it?
Oh, God, it's Malcolm!
They done k*ll my Cuz, Cuz!
It's like Boyz 'N the Hood,
he's supposed to go to college!
Why the f*ck they let Dough
Boy live and Ricky dead?
Dough Boy was the evil n*gga, Cuz!
I can't believe it!
See if the n*gga got
some money, though.
What you hit me for, Cuz?
You know better than to be
poppin' up on me like that, Cuz!
You get knocked out every
motherfuckin' time, homie.
World star! World star!
You hit me with a brick!
Where's my family? Are they okay?
n*gga, they dead as butt!
All of them? Even the little boy?
He's on the back of a
motherfuckin' milk carton, niggie!
Good. He may have lived.
Where's Kisha?
n*gga, I don't know where
the f*ck Kisha is at, Cuz!
- She did this shit!
- Kisha did this shit?
The white girl's
neck, snapped it back.
- Kisha did that shit?
- That bitch is gangsta, Cuz!
I need to jump on her
and mount her, Cuz!
I came down to the basement
on some creep shit...
I was just sittin' here
waitin' for this bitch like:
"n*gga, what?" "Bitch,
you want some of this?
"So I'm gonna stay
here incog-n*gro...
up under this blanket
like n*gga, like what.
Let my sneakers be
all, so she be like...
"That n*gga be dead."
Then all like, "Bitch,
you want some of this?"
You can't k*ll me!
I'm like a roach!
I don't die, I multiply!
I got God on my side, bitch!
Twinkle, twinkle little star...
She's right behind me, isn't she?
How I wonder...
A Haunted House 2 (2014)
Moderator: Maskath3