Monster Squad, The (1987)

[bunniefuu]

Aah!

Three minutes. The girl. Now!

Let's hurry a bit, shall we?

Come on!

Faster, faster!

Read!

Or we're all gonna die!

Uhh...

Aah!

Aah!

No! Come back.

Aah!

Well, well, well.

Are you two sitting comfortably?

Good. Now. Gentlemen.

Do you see these file folders?

The ones with your names on them?

Can you guess what's in these file folders?

I'll give you a hint.

Discipline reports.

Lots of them.

And some wonderful artwork as well.

This is...?

Spider with human head?

I'm sorry. Spider?

With human head.

Yeah. He eats dogs and

cats and rabbits.

Does he?

Sean thought him up.

You see, Sir,

we kinda have this monster club, okay?

And we draw those pictures to

put on our clubhouse walls.

Correction, Mr. Crenshaw.

You draw pictures during

Mrs. Carlson's science class

when you're supposed to be paying attention.

Wait. I just want

to say one thing.

I mean, Ms. Carlson's a

nice teacher and all,

but she's boring and has an odd-shaped head.

That's why Sean and the guys call her "meow mix,"

'cause her head's shaped like a cat head.

But I don't, Sir, 'cause...

How rude.

Boys...

I hear you.

I was a kid once.

I thought monsters were cool.

And maybe, well...

Well, gosh...

Maybe I'm just a big kid,

because, Sean, Patrick...

I think science

is cool.

I dig it, man.

Now, I'm sure both of you know

a great deal about monsters,

but that's not the issue here.

The issue is...

Science is real.

Monsters are not.

We don't know that, Sir.

God, can you believe

Mr. Metzger?

Tell me about it. He touched me and

patted my shoulders and stuff.

The guy was fully h*m*-ing out.

I smell like the '40s.

I mean, when they send you

to school, why don't they

tell you about the h*m* and

people with cat heads...

Ooh! Oh!

Sorry, Mrs. Carlson.

Meow. Meow.

She's married, Sean.

Oh, my God! Some guy

kisses her at night?

I mean, a priest said, "I now

pronounce you man and wife,"

and it was okay with him?

Hey. Where's fat kid?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our show.

Tonight's question what makes fat kid fat?

Fat kid?

Get out of here, E.J.

"Get out of here, E.J." Nope.

Not a good answer.

Doesn't make any sense.

Let's go to our man on the street. Derek.

Hi. I'm Derek,

and I'm in the street where

fat kid is blocking traffic.

Fat kid, can't you stop eating?

Look, I have a glandular problem, okay?

At least I don't have a...

Stupidity problem.

What'd you say, f*gg*t?

What'd you say?

My name's Horace!

Horace.

Whore-ass.

Oops. I tore it.

I guess I must have a stupidity problem.

What'd you say, f*gg*t?

What'd you say?

I said, "you're an assh*le."

Hey, Rudy.

E.J.

See you met my friend Horace.

You okay?

Rudy, I, uh... shh!

You dropped your

candy bar, E.J.

It's his.

It's your now.

Rudy... eat.

Rudy, I'm not gonna... eat up!

And we'll call it a day.

Look, Patrick, I told you before,

wolf man cannot drive a car.

Yes, he can.

No, he can't! Yes, he can.

All I'm saying is, Sean, he could if he had to.

He could not. You're

being such a dork!

I know you are, but what am I?

A dork.

I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, great. A feeb. A dork.

I know you are, but what am I?

A dork.

I know you are, but what am I?

Infinity! Look,

wolf man doesn't go to work.

He's not, like, a guy.

What are you talkin' about?

He walks around.

He wears pants.

He had to wear pants 'cause those

movies were made in the '40s.

He had to wear 'em so you wouldn't see his...

Wolf dork.

Wolf dork?

You guys!

I saw him. He was watching us.

Who?

Scary German guy.

Sean, he give me the creeps.

Oh, he's just a dude on welfare.

Maybe he's a German spy.

Oh, good one. We're not at

w*r with Germany anymore.

We're at w*r with Vietnam.

What?

It's in Rambo.

You guys missed it!

Oh! Fat kid!

Rudy saved my life!

Do you think we could talk him

into joining the monster club?

Can we?

Huddle. Huddle.

Sean, he's in junior high.

I hear he k*lled his Dad.

Get out of here, Phoebe the feeb!

Okay, you guys. We should let

him in on one condition.

Monster test.

You guys! I saw scary...

I saw him!

I saw scary German guy!

He was watching!

I'm depressed.

What for? What do

you mean, what for?

I'm flyin' a world w*r ii bomber

with wooden crates in it and dead bodies.

I should have a party?

Do they complain? Do

they get airsick?

Do they ask for more of the little almond things?

You're right.

This is a great job.

I'm really happy.

I thought they were dead.

They are.

I'm goin' to, uh...

I'm gonna check it out.

Okay. Good.

You do that.

I'll stay here and make spooky sounds.

Aah!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Where are you,

you son of a bitch?

Oh...

Uhh!

Two ways to k*ll a vampire.

Good one, fat kid.

Excellent question.

Uh, stake through the heart.

- Right.

- What else?

Oh, real good.

- Eugene.

- I wasn't talking.

Get him in a muzzle, will ya?

It was Pete.

You guys meet up here a lot, or, uh...

Every day.

Do we meet up here a lot?

Eugene! Man!

Eugene, make Pete shut up.

Do you really think that was a good question?

Rudy! Are you gonna

listen or look out the window?

I told you he didn't want to be in the club.

Lighten up, Patrick.

No way!

Hey, we're tryin' to do the test here, you know.

You're gonna piss him off.

I'm beginnin' to like this club.

Rudy! Come on. It's

a monster test.

It's important. Okay?

Second way to k*ll a vampire.

Mmm... I give up.

Daylight.

Sunlight. Ha ha ha! Fat kid,

what other kind of light is there Durin' the day?

Go away, Pete! Okay,

question two.

Is Frankenstein the name of the

monster or the guy who made him?

The guy. Right.

Can't you read?

Mom said you have to let me in the club,

or else it's prescruption.

That's discrimination, jerkoid.

"Prescription" is dr*gs, which you're

on if you think you're gettin' up here.

Come on, Sean! I

know about monsters.

Come on! Let me in the club!

Two ways to k*ll a werewolf.

Silver b*llet?

And?

That's it. sh**t him

with a sliver b*llet.

Nope. Sorry, Rudy.

Ha ha!

Okay, so, what's the other way?

What?

Second way to k*ll a werewolf?

Um... car crash?

Accident with power tools?

Old age? Falling out a window.

Onto a b*mb! Sean!

Phoebe! Dinner!

Oops. Gotta go.

Wait. Am I in or what?

I mean it, spaz.

You gotta stop it.

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wash up for dinner, guys.

Boring guy, boring guy, boring guy, boring guy.

What's this, Mom?

Huh? Oh, I got

that for you today

at Jane burgess' garage sale.

Says it's from that old house

up on shadowbrook road.

Holy shit! Uh, sor...

Cow. Um, I'm sorry.

Mom, do you know who wrote this book?

Yeah. It's, what, van

Helsing something.

Now, he's the one that

fights Godzilla. Right?

Dracula, Mom.

Well, then which is the really tall one?

That's Godzilla.

My God! Abraham Van Helsing.

This is great!

This is German.

Let it begin.

Hey, slick.

Busy day?

Not really.

sh**t any crooks today?

Afraid not.

But I still may if you don't wash up for dinner.

What's on your mind?

Well, Dad, uh, some of the guys and me

were maybe gonna go see groundhog day part

12 tonight, only if it's okay with you.

Is it? Please?

Oh, we got a problem.

No way! Yes, way.

I gotta go out with your mother tonight.

You got a certain 5-year-old sister

who needs baby-sitting.

Oh, come on, Dad!

I've waited all year to see this movie!

Pal, it's only a movie.

Look, tomorrow night,

you and I'll go see groundhog day.

I'll get home early.

Tomorrow night?

That'll be too late!

The guys will blab the entire plot!

What? Did I hear "plot"?

Sean, it is a guy with an ax.

Anyway, I thought they

k*lled him in the last one.

They did. And he returns

from his grave.

Returns from the grave?

Sean, he always returns from the grave.

If they blew him up, put his head in a blender,

and mailed the rest of the pieces to Norway,

he would still return from the

grave. That was part seven.

You want to know what the plot is?

The plot separates you from my five bucks.

I want to see a stupid movie.

Well, you can't.

You're baby-sitting.

Fine. Can I have

five bucks anyway?

Absolutely.

So, where you two goin' tonight?

Marriage counselor.

Again?

I thought you quit smoking.

Sean.

Son, I love you dearly, but do me a favor.

Put your basic lid on it.

Now, get outta here.

Hello. Yeah?

Officer, please! Lock me up!

Lock... yeah. I'm a werewolf!

I'm a werewolf!

Please. Please. Hey, del.

I know it sounds crazy, but...

Bad news.

Listen, I gotta go downtown.

Can you reschedule that appointment?

Honey, I'm a cop, okay?

You knew that when you bought the package.

Look. It's important.

I'm important.

I love you.

Prove it.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Just for a night!

You see, it's a full moon!

And I'm a werewolf!

Take it easy.

You don't understand!

You gotta lock me up!

You gotta put me in a cage!

Buddy, I'd like nothin' better!

Hold onto your pants!

Oh, God! You don't understand!

You've gotta... oh!

Anything you say, fella.

Put the cuffs on him.

I got it. All right.

I got him now.

Aah!

Jesus Christ! We

need some backup!

Bon voyage!

Lock me up!

So, let me get this straight.

You tellin' me there was

this 2,000-year-old mummy here, right?

Yes, Sir. Uh-huh.

Well, now he's not here. He's

gone. Vanished. History.

Yes, Sir.

And you're sayin' you didn't hear anybody

come in here or leave.

Is that right?

Can you hear me now? Hello?

I can hear you fine.

So, nobody took the mummy.

I would've heard them.

Of course he would've.

What a stupid question.

Did you take him?

No, Sir!

Just a shot.

That's it, del.

This case is too hard, man.

Let's be firemen instead.

I'm glad you're gettin' major

laughs out of this, rich.

The problem is, 2,000-year-old dead guys

do not get up and walk away by themself.

Accident patrol,

uh, request confirmation.

You have the 915-h officer-involved

sh**ting en route?

Aah!

Aah!

My God! You scared me!

Where are Steve and Judy?

I thought they were with you.

Not funny.

Well, something funny's...

What did I miss?

Judy? Steve?

Hey!

Oh, sheriff. You scared us.

Never mind about that.

This is the best part.

Judy!

No!

Lieutenant, you wanna come over

and take a look at this?

Dispatch, unit 7.

Unit 7, come in, please.

Please copy.

Wonderful. Great! Just what I need.

Come again? You're... what?

Uh, request, uh, cadaver...

I can't hear you! No, no, no!

I said "missing"!

The body's missing! It's

the second one tonight.

Confirmed. That makes two

tonight, right, lieutenant?

Ha, ha. That's very funny.

And you want to shut up about it?

It's been so long.

So very long.

Wake up, old friend.

It is our time.

Long... time...

Master.

And you put the candle next

to your bed like this.

Your Mom did this when you were a little girl?

Uh-huh.

It means "I love you."

And as long as it's here, nothing bad can happen.

Sean says when it lightnings, monsters come.

Oh, he's just trying to scare you, honey.

Will lightning hit the house?

No.

The candle keeps it away?

That's right.

Say goodnight to scraps.

Goodnight, scraps.

Good night, Emily. Mwah.

Good night, sweetheart.

Are you gonna yell at him?

Honey... I love your father.

What?

I mean Sean,

for scaring me.

Of course you did.

I'll talk to him about it, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams.

You're thinkin' about your job,

isn't that right?

I can see it in your eyes, del.

Yeah! I'm glad you

can see it in my eyes,

'cause for a minute there I

thought I had you fooled.

Come on, this isn't...

No, come on!

Look in my eyes.

Look in my eyes!

I'll think about stuff, and you can tell me

when I'm thinking correctly!

Keep your voice down.

I don't want the children...

I had a lousy night, all right?

Every night I have a lousy night.

I'm sorry it's such a pain in the ass

for you with my stupid little job!

I am trying to explain...

Some guy steals a priceless Egyptian mummy...

That happens every day.

Skip that.

Then I get a call from some nutcase

who's shouting he's a werewolf!

Huh? You like that?

What do they do?

They blow him away

right there in the police station!

Wait a minute! There

is more to this!

Marriage counseling!

For what?

Wha?

There's a monster in my closet.

Damn, son, look!

All of these monsters!

Come on, all of you monsters, outta here!

Everyone, out of this room!

Come... ahh, ahh!

You, on the bed. Come on.

Out. Out. Take a hike.

There he goes.

You see any more monsters?

In the closet?

Sure. We can go

into the closet.

We can do that.

Okay, monsters!

Whoo!

Look at that big, scary monster!

Ooh!

Listen. You are

not gonna sleep

with your mother and me tonight,

so you can forget it.

And keep this up,

and you're not gonna look

at those monster magazines.

Understand?

Uhh?

Okay. We're all here.

What's the deal?

Yeah. What the Hell's

monster squad?

It's us.

We're the monster squad.

Since when?

Since now!

What's a "squad"?

It's like Miami vice, I think.

Look. I think

there's monsters.

Like, real ones.

I heard my Dad talking on the telephone

to a guy down at the police station.

There was a guy screaming he was a werewolf.

And they shot him. And the body

disappeared from the coroner van.

And the coroner guy was dead.

So what? He got shot, and

the werewolf took his body?

No, you pinhead! He was

a werewolf! Maybe.

But if they shot him...

They must've been regular b*ll*ts,

not silver ones.

Look, I know this will sound pretty stupid,

but a mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Mummy came in my house.

And, guys...

Dracula might be here, too.

Aw, man, fat kid farted!

Oh, God. Did not.

Can't you hold it? God!

God Damn it, would you shut up?

Did you hear a word I said?

The guys are dead! Get a clue!

Something's out there, and it's killin' people!

And if it's monsters, nobody's

gonna do a thing about it but us.

So, what do we do?

Think this book might be important.

Look. It's van

Helsing's diary.

Mom said they found it in an old house

on shadowbrook road.

But I can't read it.

It's all in German.

My sister takes German in high school.

Your sister doesn't speak

German. All she does

is hang around, and the guys touch her tits.

Your sister wouldn't happen

to live next-door, would she?

So what?

That girl's your sister?

So, what do you say? Are

we monster squad...

Or what?

Cool. All right.

How does that dog get up here, anyways?

Old friend.

How do you like your new home?

Home.

I must sleep soon,

so listen very carefully.

Van Helsing's diary...

Is missing.

I want you to retrieve it for me.

You understand?

Yes...

Master.

Children... possess it.

I want you to find them and take the diary.

If they do not cooperate...

You will k*ll them.

Gentlemen, I'd just like to say three words.

Scary German guy.

Who else are we gonna get

to translate this thing?

Come on. Somebody

go up and knock.

You knock. You're our leader.

Firstly, he's scary, okay?

And "B," he's German.

Maybe he doesn't even speak English.

Okay, so what's German for...

"Please don't m*rder us"?

Bitte, moerden-zie uns nicht.

Boys...

Time is almost up.

It's your last chance for pie.

Thanks, mister, uh, guy.

Now, here we go.

I mean... no, thanks.

So? Ja?

Now, where were we?

Ah... ja.

"The amulet itself is fairly small

and carved with

intricate symbols."

Oh.

Rather an odd-looking thing,

don't you think?

Scary German guy's bitchin'.

Sir, the thing I don't understand is

the part about the equilibrium.

Well, according to this rather curious book

you have brought me,

"the forces of

good and evil..."

Uh, that is a b-17, in case you are wondering.

It's rad!

"Good and evil

"are in constant flux,

"back and forth.

"Only once, every hundred years,

are these forces balanced."

And what about the amulet?

The amulet, so nearly as I can translate,

is "concentrated good."

"It is a talisman

which wards off

evil and is..."

How you say, uh...

"Indestructible"?

That means it can't be destroyed.

Or, in any case,

normally destroyed. However,

and this part is underlined...

"Once every hundred years,

"at the stoke of midnight,

"the amulet becomes vulnerable,

"and at that moment,

it can be shattered."

And if it is?

Then the balance

between good and evil

will shift, and evil will rule.

However, our friend

Mr. Van Helsing

claims there is a way to

stop the forces of darkness.

How?

"If one could gain possession

of the amulet before

those forces..."

"Then every hundred years,"

"at midnight,"

"there is another option."

"A ceremony which, when followed to the letter,"

"will open a hole"

"into limbo itself"

"where dwell the damned."

"A vortex,"

"which like a great whirlwind,"

"can swallow the forces

of evil forever."

Well... does it describe

the procedure at all?

In detail.

This was the last entry.

On this date,

he was to battle those forces himself.

Interesting.

It is tomorrow's date,

one hundred years ago!

A hundred years ago?

Tomorrow night.

Thank you very much. Thanks.

Bye. Thank you very

much for all your time.

Thank you. I expect

you boys thought

I was some kind of

monster myself? Hmm?

A vampire, perhaps?

That's quite all right.

But I am not, you know.

If I were a vampire,

then I wouldn't have a reflection.

Now, would I?

Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.

Now that you mention it...

I suppose I do.

Guys, wait up!

Tomorrow night? What do

we have to do again?

Blow a hole in dumbo?

Limbo, stupid.

So, how do we know

the amulet's there, anyway?

Because, you dweeb, Dracula's

obviously here looking for it.

If we don't find it before

he does, we're beast bait.

Okay, so, say we get the amulet.

Then what?

Wait till midnight... and?

We get a virgin.

A virgin? Yeah.

Okay, right. Then what?

Well, our virgin takes the amulet,

reads the magic spell from the book,

and, blamo, we blow a hole in limbo.

That's so easy.

Oh, a cinch. Piece of cake.

Yeah.

Rudy. Question.

sh**t.

Know any virgins?

Okay. Rudy, find

some silver b*ll*ts.

And where the Hell am I supposed

to find silver b*ll*ts?

K-Mart? I don't know.

Gimme a break.

Fat kid, get a map.

Find shadowbrook road.

What, do I look in the index

for "big, scary mansion"?

Oh, you're a riot.

You guys!

How can we trust scary German guy?

Why would he lie about a thing like this?

Sean!

Phoebe, have a life. Okay?

You're being a spaz!

Ow! God!

You bit me, you brat!

I'm tellin' Mom on you!

Would ya look?

Huh?

It's okay, you guys!

He's friends with us.

Come on! Don't be chickenshit!

Come on. I want to

show you my friends.

Sean, no.

Oh, go for it.

Sean, are you crazy?

That's a walkin' dead guy.

Sean, please don't die.

Are... are you dead?

D-dead?

Does Mom know about him?

No. Only us.

Hey, guys, get over here!

He's great!

Huh. Uhh!

Now can I be in the monster club?

I can't believe it.

Frankenstein's monster in our clubhouse.

Let's ask him to leave, okay?

You're not still scared, are you?

Well, he is a little bit gross, Sean.

Scr...

Scra-aps.

I taught him to talk.

Bo-Gus.

Give me...

A...break.

Huddle up, you guys.

Sean, we gotta get an adult.

And your Dad's a cop, so if we get your Dad...

Absolutely no grown-ups.

Okay?

They'll lock him up in a cage or something.

Dissect him.

Or put him on TV! Fat kid.

Ha ha ha! Why are you

such a lame-oid?

You're the lame one.

Bogus!

Bogus.

Dudes, check it out.

Sc...

Scary?

The amulet is in here.

Very near, yes.

Oh... Van Helsing,

your disciples were very clumsy,

trying to hide from me the

very thing that is mine.

No hiding, never, from me.

Ah! It's here!

My prize. Oh...

Soon, Van Helsing...

Soon, the creatures of the

night shall rule the world.

And there is no one to stop us!

I don't wanna go home

I don't wanna

leave the floor

someone turn the

lights down

close the cage and

lock the door

we ain't gonna let

this feelin' under

we gotta cut loose and

turn it up all the way

rock until you drop

dance until your

heart stops

rock until you drop

dance until your

feet fall off

I don't want to sit down

I don't need no easy chair

oh, oh, oh

someone turn

the clock back

we ain't gonna go nowhere

hey

now we're gonna go

in big like thunder

no one can stop us now

we're goin' all the way

rock until you drop

yeah, dance until

your heart stops

oh, rock until you drop

oh, oh, oh, oh

dance until your

feet fall off

no, no, no

hey

we ain't gonna let

this feelin' under

cut it loose and

rock some more

now we're gonna comb

this big night under

it's totally rad,

it's cool cool

it's cool cool, it's cool

rock until you drop

hey, hey

dance until your

heart stops

hey

rock until you drop

yeah, hey, hey, hey

dance until your

feet fall off

you better rock me

yeah, rock me

dance until your

heart stops

everybody, sing it

rock until you drop

rockin' dude

party till your

brains fall out

whoo-oo

rock until you drop

rock until you drop

dance until your

heart stops

party till you die

rock until you drop

baby, baby, baby

dance until your

feet fall off

ooh, yeah, rock

I do regret the dosage, my friend.

Most, um... lethal...

By human standards.

But then, um,

human standards do not apply, do they?

Well, uh, I'll, uh, go have a bite

while you change into something more, um...

Comfortable.

Last night, near the ambulance crash,

get this... eyewitness report

long black hearse. No plates.

You wanna ask me about the hood ornament?

What about the hood ornament?

I thought you'd never ask.

A silver skull.

I consider this an exciting lead.

I am excited. Are you excited?

I'm thrilled.

Put out an APB.

I already did.

I'm a very good policeman.

You know?

Crenshaw.

Hurry! Get all your

men and send them

down to 666 shadowbrook road!

It's an old mansion!

He's found the amulet!

There's... there's no time!

Who the Hell is this?

I'm the one they shot last night!

I'm a werewolf now, but...

Have a nice night.

No! No! No! No! Don't hang up!

Uhh! He's gonna k*ll your son!

Patrick! Come in. Patrick.

Patrick, come in.

Yeah, we're here.

Where are you?

We're almost there.

Everything set with you?

Know in a minute. Rudy?

Rudy!

This Babe is major.

Rudy's in love.

Well, good for Rudy.

Thanks a lot, Pete.

Okay, remember...

Rendezvous position "a",

2200 hours. Uhh...

Say what?

10:00, doofus.

How do we know the amulet's there, anyway?

We don't, but it's all

we have to go on. Sean.

Okay. Well. Good luck,

butt love. Sean.

I know you are, but what am I?

Sean.

Out.

What, Eugene?

Creature stole my twinkie.

So?

What did you want to ask me?

What do we want to ask you.

Okay. Um, sis... me and Ru...

Rudy?

Your show, Ace.

Okay.

We just wanted to know...

If you're a virgin.

What?

Okay. What we want

to know is...

Are you a...

Ahem. Look.

What your brother

is so delicately attempting to inquire,

and let me, out of my own personal curiosity,

is the degree to which you may have or...

Have not, at some point in time...

Been dorked?

You guys are sick!

Guess what.

Fox photo's got a two-for-one deal this week,

and wouldn't you know it, there's a space

on the bulletin board

right between the prom committee notes...

And the football roster.

Sean.

About this monster squad thing.

Maybe we could go back to the clubhouse

and rethink it with the other guys.

Fat kid... you're

bein' a wuss.

Wuss?

Can it, frank.

Time's runnin' out.

Sean, no!

Scary house...

Real monsters...

Us...12 years old? Remember?

Midnight... end of world.

Remember?

Master... is near.

Master wants children dead.

Um, Sean?

Maybe we could be

like math squad instead, you know...

Do math problems. Stay home.

Or nature squad.

We could look at rocks, collect birds.

Not be dead. See,

it's this whole death thing I'm not crazy about.

Well... no amulet.

Let's go.

Look. We got two consolations.

Number one, Frankenstein's on our side.

And number two, my Dad's a cop.

Anybody fools around with us, he kicks their ass.

Hey, Frankie.

Come on.

Frank!

Wake up! Wake up!

Eugene, get away from there!

He won't wake up!

Fat kid, use your eyes. Does

it look like you can help him?

But... but what do I do, Sean?

A monster!

Don't call him a monster.

Well... what if he's dead?

Then he died to help us.

Now, look.

I'm the leader of this squad,

so listen up.

He said Dracula knows we're here.

So let's just try to find the amulet...

And get the Hell outta here.

Sean! Aah!

Kick him in the nards! What?

Kick him in the nards!

He doesn't have nards!

Do it! Do it!

Wolf man's got nards!

Come on! Come on!

Oh...

Aah!

What are you doin'? Haven't

you read the Hardy boys?

You pull some lever down and a secret door opens!

You gotta be kidding!

You have a better idea?

Come on, Sean.

Damn! Where is he?

Where are you? Come in!

Sean!

Where are you, Sean?

10:00. They're late.

Maybe the monsters got them.

"Maybe the monsters got them."

Can we go home, Sean?

Oh, great.

Please? Can't we go home?

Just great.

Frankenstein's dead,

Eugene's whining,

and we're sitting here with pirate bill.

Come on, Sean.

Man, we're dead.

Eugene, stop it.

Bingo.

You guys, I got it!

Give it to me.

Give it to me!

Aah!

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Help!

Give it to me!

Aah!

Garlic! Come on!

Get outta here!

You guys,

we got scary German guy to help us!

The cavalry! Thank Christ.

Yeah, we figured you guys were in trouble.

It was boss! I saw Dracula!

And I kicked wolf man in the

nards... fat kid, bag it. Okay?

Is she a virgin?

Why don't you put it

on the 6:00 news,

you little shit?

Yeah, she is.

Perhaps we should all

go back to my place for some pie.

The book was right.

Don't you see? It's all true!

We found the amulet, but now

there's monsters after us.

We gotta go to a place where

there's a lot of people.

Church. What?

Church! He's right.

There's an old church in the town Plaza.

Perfect.

Monsters hate religious stuff.

Del.

Del. Del!

Look, I'm sorry.

What, you tryin' to tell me

that we're gonna go all the

way out to shadowbrook road

because you get a call from some guy

who tells you he's a werewolf?

Ha ha ha! Ho ho!

Look, I'm sorry.

I guess it's feasible, del.

Listen to me. Come on, man.

I apologize. All right?

Ha ha ha!

Look! It's 20 minutes

till midnight!

We pull this off, I'm gonna shit!

Holy shit!

Jesus Christ!

Give me some slack!

What are you doing?

Patrick, just give

me some slack! No!

You're closer! Just give

me some slack! No way!

Don't be a wuss!

Okay!

Aah!

Come on! Hurry!

Yes! Come on! Let go! Let go!

Let go of her! Let go! Aah!

Go! Go!

Go! Look at that! It's dust!

Come on! Yes! Come on!

Go! Whoa!

See you later...

Band-aid breath.

Whoo-hoo!

Del, I don't know if you're aware of this,

but we're going a hundred miles an hour!

I notice little things like that.

I'm a very good policeman.

You know that?

Aah! Aah!

I'm not sayin' anything.

Not a single word.

I appreciate that.

Meeting adjourned.

Dispatch to unit 28. Please respond.

Freeze!

You move, and I'll k*ll you!

Dispatch, we got a 10-35.

Send backup! Hurry it up!

Del! Get outta there!

That's enough.

I will have your son.

Del?

Del?

D-del, what's happening?

What?

The kids.

Sean?

Phoebe.

Phoebe?

Sean!

Phoebe!

Sean, can you hear me?

Where are you?

Sean! Can you hear me?

Where are you?

Dad! I'm here! We're

almost to town square.

Hurry up!

Don't kick the church!

It's religious!

It's locked is what it is.

Fine.

Okay.

We'll just have to do it right here.

Like, really religious, Sean.

Why don't we just go over

and do it in Burger King?

You guys!

Oh, shit!

Patrick, come on!

Okay, come on, read the book.

Go!

Okay! Read! Go!

Wait! Read!

I'm flunking German!

Read it in German. Try.

Damn! Really, you

should read it!

He's not a virgin, you stupid!

Did you ask him?

Where you goin', Rudy?

I'm in the God Damn club, aren't I?

I don't believe this!

Will you speak English?

I can't understand you!

Come on! Drunken

munchkin warehouse!

Yeah, yeah, what he said!

Okay, skanks,

come and get it.

Aah!

I don't believe this.

Unh!

Uhh!

- Please read!

- Oh, shit!

Sean, look out!

Dad!

You stay there!

My God.

Aah...

Suck on this, you son of a bitch.

Aah!

Hey, assh*le.

You looked.

It's okay.

All right, let's try it again, now, shall we?

Look, you've got me upset!

Read it? Come on, read!

Oh, my God!

I said it!

Ho ho! All right!

You did! I have

absolutely no idea how!

I...

Where's limbo?

We just went through some major shit,

and where's the big limbo thing?

Jesus... Christ!

Holy shit! Kid, watch it!

Let's get him! Let's go!

Go! Go!

Are you absolutely sure

that she is...

You're not a virgin, are you?

No? No, what do you mean, no?

Well... Steve, but he doesn't count!

Doesn't count?

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Bang.

God.

Thank you.

Told ya.

Only one way to k*ll a werewolf.

What?

Is she a vershion?

She? A virgin?

Yes! A virgin! We'll

use the girl!

She can't read! She's

five years old!

I'll help her!

Yah!

E.J.!

Uhh! Uhh! Unh!

Let me in, E.J.! Let me in!

Hey! Fat kid!

Good job.

My name...

Is Horace.

Don't look up.

Don't look up.

Hey! Hey, hold it

right there a minute.

Hey! I said to stop right there.

Aah!

Ohh! Aah! Ohh!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! No!

Uhh!

Phoebe! Dad, no!

Phoebe! Oh, no!

Phoebe!

Give me the amulet, you bitch!

Aah!

Phoebe! That's my daughter!

Aah!

Bogus.

Aah!

Phoebe.

Aah! Aah!

Die! Aah!

No!

Dad!

No!

Sean!

Sean!

Uhh! Uhh!

Sean! Please! Aah!

Aah!

Whoa!

Unh! Uhh!

Aah!

No!

Don't go!

Don't go away!

Phoebe!

Phoebe. Don't go!

Don't go!

Bye...

Don't go away, Frankenstein!

Please don't go!

Please!

Please don't go away, Frankenstein!

Bye.

Mommy!

Del.

She's fine.

Hey, sweetheart.

Who's Eugene?

All right, son...

Where are they?

Where are the monsters?

The mummy came in my house.

Can somebody tell me what the Sam

Hell is goin' on around here?

Well, we can, Sir.

Well, who are you?

We're the monster squad.

All right, pal!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

gotta get up,

gotta get out

Who the Hell is she?

Yeah!

in a hundred years,

in the darkest night

the forces of evil

come out to fight

the amulet they

must destroy

or spend forever in

the darkest void

who can stop their

deadly might?

who will stand

up for the right?

from the mouth of

babes comes dynamite

the monster squad

gonna groove tonight

first came Dracula,

now the wolf man, too

mummy and the creature

from the black lagoon

we need silver b*ll*ts,

we need wooden stakes

normal stuff won't stop 'em

'cause they live on hate

speak some magic words

from a virgin's lips

maybe that will shake 'em,

make 'em slip and trip

there's no turnin' back,

gotta fight the fight

yeah, the monster squad

gonna get 'em tonight

monster squad

we're the monster squad,

and the forces of evil

better run and hide

monster squad

we're the monster squad,

and the forces of evil

best beware of the

monster squad

gotta get up,

gotta get out

we got work to do

work to do

gotta get up,

gotta get out

we got work to

do, work to do

mama can't help us,

Dad don't understand

no one will believe it

put it in our hands

gotta stop those creatures,

send them back to Hell

or there's no tomorrow,

no saved by the bell

there's no place to

run, nowhere to hide

now it's time to see

what you got inside

no evil will

escape my sight

yeah, the monster squad

gonna jam tonight

this ain't Halloween

or some phony deal

they be playin' for keeps,

they be playin' for real

they want darkness spread

all across the land

we're the only ones

left to make a stand

we don't wanna hang

with the walkin' dead

so we gotta kick some

monster butt instead

and you'll never see

such a ghastly sight

when the monster squad

saves the world tonight

monster squad

we're the monster squad,

and the forces of evil...