- [Jeff] You missed a bit.
- Christ's sake f*ckin'...
- [Jeff] I won a hat.
- [Michael] What?
- [Jeff] At the fte. For
the village hall roof.
- Christ and f*cking baby
Moses in a basket, Jeffrey!
- [Jeff] What?
- [Michael] That's a f*cking
awful hat.
Boots!
- [Jeff] I've not found any
infections.
As long as we all just stick
to the rules, it'll be fine.
- [Michael] I don't know how
they think
they'll close the Moor.
- [Jeff] Well they have.
- [Michael] No, they haven't.
How do you close the f*cking
countryside?
- [Jeff] Signs, bits of tape.
- [Michael] Oh, thank God.
Well, as long as they got bits
of tape.
- There, look!
- Dotty?
- She's turning circles.
Champion!
- Well spotted, Herriot!
- [Jeff] She's gonna pop any
minute.
Hey, you're glad I'm here now.
- [Michael] Need you like
a hole in the hernia.
- Shut up.
I'll give you a hand then
we can wet the baby's head.
- Give me a hand?
Jeffrey, how many cattle do you
think
I've calved in my time?
- How many?
- Well, I don't f*cking know, do
we? Loads!
Go home.
- [Jeff] Hang on.
Got you a present!
- [Jeff] That calf is desperate
to be born. Come on, Dotty.
Right? My turn.
Capital of Norway.
- Helsinki.
- Who sang...
- You can still make
the pub quiz, you know.
- No, I'm keeping you company.
- Aren't you just.
- who sang...
- It's like being trapped
with Michael f*cking Aspells.
- A Whiter Sade of Pale?
Come on.
Everyone knows this one.
- Abba.
- Abba?
- I'm gonna put your
head through that wall
if you're not careful.
- [Jeff] Abba! (laughing)
- Chuck you in the slurry pit.
- [Jeff] Abba.
- No one will miss you, you
know.
- Doesn't sound a bit like Abba.
- [Michael] Oh, she's grand.
- [Jeff] Yep.
- [Jeff] What is known-?
- [Michael] Oh f*ck off.
- What is known as "The Old
Lady of Thread Needle Suite?"
- You?
- [Jeff] Which author wrote-
Hey!
- Here's a question. Why you
here?
- You're a miserable sod, you
know that?
- Yeah.
Come on then.
- What?
- You got a proper tasty bit
waiting for you back home,
probably cooking you a slap up
dinner,
and yet you been sat here,
best part of two hours,
boring the arse off me.
- I haven't.
- We had half an hour of who
said what at the village fete,
another half an hour on Mrs
Kelly's rabbit's intestines-
- That was actually fascinating.
- [Michael] Holly's grade three
cello,
what worktops Helen wants
for your new kitchen,
I'm surprised you got breath in
you.
You better not be f*cking
billing me.
- No!
- Tell you, I had your missus
I'd be home like f*cking shot,
ay?
What have you done, Herriot?
- Got a name yet?
Arabella?
No?
Gladys?
- Who'd call a f*cking cow
Gladys?
- I would.
- You would.
Victoria.
- Oh, Victoria.
- These is the last of Sheila
names, see?
So we got Elizabeth and
Anne, Diana, Margaret, Zara,
Beatrice, Mary.
We lost Camilla to the bloat in
February.
Who's missing?
Ah- Eugenie's with her
newborn in the south shed.
I'm running out of Royals.
- Fergie.
Hey, what about Jeffrey?
- Jesus, you can't call a cow
Jeffrey.
They shouldn't let bloody
humans be called Jeffrey.
Did I ever tell you bout the
time we let
Trev name the newborns?
He must have been about eight or
nine.
Sheila's idea o'course, bloody
disaster.
Tell you, I get out one
morning and the little buggers
found an hole in the hedge.
So there I was, out down
them fields in nothin'
but boots and jarmers calling
"Ay Sheila! I found Bagpuss,
but there's no sign of Professor
Yaffle".
Well of course Sam Ellacott
across the way hears,
so as I walks in to Tavvi market
next week,
they're all there-
- [Both] Singing the bloody
theme tune.
- How is Trev?
I hear he did all the
arrangements of the service,
sorted all the flowers
and food and whatnot.
- Up his street, innit?
Here's one for you.
- Nightingale?
- Bloody useless.
- [Jeff] All right.
- It's like trying to
teach a dog to drive.
Try again.
- Great tit?
- Only one tit round here.
Nightjar.
- It's strange.
- [Michael] You hardly ever
see 'em, only hear them.
They fly silent.
Bad luck is nightjars.
It's a bird of death.
- Whoooooooo!
- Ellacott's full a shit, isn't
he?
Reckons it's coming down this
way.
That's not why you're here is
it?
- No, it's no where near here.
- [Michael] Mike Leach at
Hexworthy
just lost his entire herd.
Everything he had is
being piled up and burnt.
- They're just being- that's
precautions.
You're gonna be fine.
- [Michael] Yeah, course I
f*cking will.
Nothing wrong with my cows.
- [Jeff] I know.
- You think something's up with
Dotty?
- [Jeff] Jesus Christ Michael.
You'd know if there was.
- [Michael] Why you here, then.
- You kicking me out?
- Yes.
- Fine.
- What the bloody
hell's going on, Jeffrey?
- This is getting really boring.
- Well, just tell me
why you're here, then.
- [Jeff] The scintillating
conversation.
- Look, be serious Jeffrey.
Something's up.
Come on then, spit it out.
- I don't know.
I just can't seem to put a foot
right.
Been sleeping on a camp bed
in the study for three weeks.
Then every morning I tidy it
away so Holly doesn't see.
It's constant eggshells all the
time.
- You don't know you're
born, you got it made bey.
Oh, have I?
- [Michael] Lovely house,
beautiful little girl.
I tell you, I had your missus-
- Take her. You can have her.
Oh. Shit. Shit. Sorry.
Shit. I didn't mean-
- How um, how is it?
- It's the little things, that's
a bugger.
You just catch yourself.
Some mornings I come
down and before I know it
I made two cups of tea.
It's funny, was about this time
of year.
Came back one day, there's a
letter, you know, test results,
just sitting there propped
up against a pot of daffs.
She didn't see out the year.
No f*cking age is it, 58?
- No.
It's very cruel.
Remember that year?
Who was it went breech?
- [Michael] Jojo.
- Jojo.
And we were out here for hours.
- Pissing bloody icicles!
- Freezing cold.
And when we finally got back
in the kitchen there she was.
The magnificent Sheila,
four in the morning cooking us a
fry-up.
- Yeah.
- [Jeff] I could have kissed
her.
- You did kiss her.
- Oh yeah.
- Remind me to knock
your block off for that.
(laughing)
- Great big heart she had.
And arse to match.
- I should have come to the
funeral.
- [Michael] Don't want to hear
this again.
- No, no. But I should.
I should have come back from
Surrey.
It's just, Helen and her mother
wanted-
- [Michael] You gotta do for
your family. That's how it is.
- It's got to burst.
Whenever this is,
this rain cloud hanging over us.
Oh Christ I've gone all serious.
Which case it probably is time
to leave.
You can take it from here
anyway. She'll be fine now.
- You know your trouble bey?
"Eat before cider. Or the cider
eats you."
- A very fine point.
- Jeffrey!
You'd be in charge anyway,
wouldn't you?
If it comes down here.
So you make sure it's all right.
- [Jeff] You're gonna be fine.
- You know you're bloody
irritating as hell.
- I'm going, I'm going!
- No, shut up a minute.
You're the only one I trust with
my girls.
- Nothing's gonna happen.
- Swear it.
- [Radio] Although it has
been less than a month
since the discovery of
foot and mouth in Essex,
the Ministry of Agriculture
admitted today that this
was an epidemic on a
potentially huge scale.
The government's chief
scientist and chief vet told
reporters it was much worse
than the last outbreak
in Britain in 1967.
In order to stop the rapid
spread
of the disease across the
country,
the government has decided
to extend the policy
of contiguous cull and
that all animals within
a three kilometer radius
of an infected farm
are to be slaughtered
and then burned on site.
The nationwide ban on
all livestock movement
is to remain in place.
- [Jeff] Oh f*ck.
- [Michael] Herriot!
Herriot!
- Give me a minute. I
just need to talk to him.
- Just him!
You lot don't step one
f*cking toe on my property!
- Michael. Can you not please?
Is that thing loaded?
- Get in, you fanny.
'Scuse the mess, butler's
on holiday and all that!
There's one over there
look, by them papers.
- What?
- [Michael] Mug, probably
need a rinse mind.
Got milk, sugar, the works.
Soon as I get this bugger lit.
- I don't want any tea.
- Even got me little saucepan
look.
Egg? I'll do you an egg?
- No, thank you.
- [Michael] But you love a dippy
egg!
Tell you what, while I do me
Gordon blur, where is he, ah...
Be a good boy. Roll this f*g.
- Michael, what are you doing.
- [Michael] Roll us a f*g!
- You can't go round threatening
people with a shotgun!
- Well it's just a threat innit?
Come on Herriot. You don't
half look a tit you know.
Take that stupid jonny
off and roll us a f*g.
I'm gaspin'.
"Go to work on an egg".
That's what they say,
do you remember that one?
"Go to work on an egg". Clever
that.
Thinking of getting chickens
again.
Used to have 'em
but it's a bugger keeping the
foxes from getting 'em.
Get out in the morning,
find f*cking chicken confetti
everywhere.
Still, nice having chickens
innit though,
clucking about the place.
Make it seem a bit more
Darling Buds of f*cking May.
- [Jeff] Here.
Oh, ta!
Are you okay?
- Oh yeah. Tip top me, top of
the pops, now I got you here.
- It's almost nine.
They're supposed to,
well at nine they start.
- For f*ck's sake.
- [Jeff] Here.
- [Michael] Cheers mate.
We should get that pan on.
Was going to do your dippy egg,
weren't I?
- Or a coffee.
- Why in f*ck would I have
f*cking coffee out here?
This look like the f*cking Ritz
hotel?
- Well I don't know what you
got stashed in your cool box!
- You're in a bloody cattle
shed, mate.
- [Jeff] You were gonna make
tea.
- Yeah, tea. Tea's normal,
innit?
- Oh, excuse me,
one minute you're Gordon
blur doing me a dippy egg-
- Do you want a dippy egg?
- Not really.
- [Michael] Do you want a cup of
tea?
- No.
- Well off you f*ck then!
- Hi.
- That your little friends, is
it?
- We're just talking. Hang
on, I'll be out in a minute.
- Um. You stay here and make the
tea.
I'll go and talk to them.
- Right?
- I'm coming now.
- [Jeff] It's just me.
- [Michael] They going?
- [Jeff] They want to call the
police.
I'm gonna have to let them in.
- No wait-
- [Jeff] It's nearly
nine o'clock, Michael.
- You got your doodah, mobile?
Got the number here somewhere.
- For MAFF?
- What have they told you?
Just keep banging on if I
don't let the arseholes in
I won't get no compensation.
But it's not about the
f*cking money is it?
It's like talking to a brick
wall.
- [Jeff] I've heard the money.
Well, it's kind of a respectable
offer.
- Nah. Got you here now han't I?
You can talk some bloody sense
into 'em.
- [Jeff] I don't what I can say.
Jesus Christ-!
- Just tell them you done the
tests,
they'll listen to you won't
they?
- I don't think you'll
get anywhere with MAFF.
This is national policy.
It's coming from MAFF.
- But it...this, what's
happening's
all on account a Ellacott's
herd,
just cos we share the hedge by
the stream.
But there's no cows in that
field.
Hasn't been for months.
That can't be right can it?
- No, but-
- So we'll tell em. You
tell 'em you know me Jeffrey
and I've had them disinfectant
baths out for weeks.
And the mats, washed the gates.
You could eat your dinner
off them fence posts,
amount of time I scrubbed
'em! They're not ill.
- No.
- [Michael] So we'll tell them.
- I don't think it's gonna make-
- You're playing silly
buggers now, are ya?
- [On Phone] Ministry of
Agriculture, Fisheries and Food.
How can I help?
Hello?
Hello?
- You happy? Are you?
Pleased with yourselves?!
- [Jeff] What's going on?
- [Michael] Look at the state of
him.
All this f*cking soot and ash.
Poor little buggers don't stand
a chance.
Not that they care.
They won't be happy until
the whole f*cking country's on
fire!
- He's not dead. No. Still
breathing.
- Is he?
- Hmm? Just dazed I think.
- Poor little thing.
Let's put him over here look,
and he can see some sun when he
wakes up.
- [Jeff] Dapper little chap.
What sort is he?
- [Michael] What sort?
- The bird.
- For the cleverest bloke I
know,
you don't half know f*ck all.
Quail.
- Quail.
- [Michael] Come on then.
There you go. There you go.
Come on. Come on.
The state of all this.
Old Sheils'd go batty she
seen what it done to her nets.
- Yeah, it's been driving Helen
mad.
Holly came in covered,
it was all over her bike.
- All this from Ellacott's?
- Yep.
- That was you, was that?
- Yes.
- Where's the phone to?
Must have got cut off.
Where's that number?
- Michael?
I'm going to have to let them
in.
- You what?
- I, I've been trying to tell
you.
- Don't be daft, we're gonna
get all this sorted look.
- [Jeff] This is national
policy.
- But you know the right things
to say.
- It doesn't work like that.
- Oh, come on bey this
don't make no sense.
You tested all my girls
yourself. Right?
And all those tests come
back negative, right?
- Yes. But-
- [Michael] Then why have I got
this?
This f*cking shitty little bit
of paper,
telling me that every living
thing within three miles
is gonna be slaughtered? You
tell me that.
- The order's from the top-
- Order's from the top?
They can't just waltz here
and do what they like.
- Yes they can. That's
exactly what they can do.
- But this is my farm.
- I'm sorry.
- But there's nothing wrong
with any one of my girls.
Is it?
Is there?
- Doesn't matter.
The government have decided.
- Oh have they?!
Well trot along like a good
little boy taking orders!
- I haven't got a choice!
- Bollocks have you!
Come on bey. You and
me, we hold our ground
and we'll f*cking Butch and
Sundance the lot of them!
Yeah?!
- No.
- [Michael] No? f*cking no?
- It's out of my hands, Michael.
- [Michael] Out of your hands?!
It ain't right! It ain't right!
- Michael! I've never
seen anything like it!
It it, it's like a w*r!
It's just bleeding across the
countryside
and they can't contain it.
- Well it's not here! There's
nothing wrong with my girls!
You said so yourself!
- Doesn't matter!
It's chaos!
Last week, the slaughter
team in Moretonhampstead
spooked the herd so badly they
started
trying to jump the hedges!
Two calves drowned in the river.
And, and they just went
ahead and built a pyre.
And, and, and you could hear
them.
Not all those cows were dead.
They, they, they hadn't stunned
them properly or God knows.
I- I won't let that happen to
you.
Please Michael, let me do it
properly.
If I don't do it, they'll
just hire in someone else.
- Works picked up for you,
something chronic, innit?
- How can you think that?
- [Michael] Pays well, does it?
Yeah, plenty of work for you
now.
Well that's all it is.
Whatever they're paying
you, I'll double it.
Alright?
- Oh shut up Michael.
You've no idea what you're
talking about.
- Don't I?
- No, you don't.
- Jeffrey!
Jeffrey!
Yeah. You come back here!
I don't believe you! You
haven't got it in you!
You look me in the eye and tell
me what
you're going to do my girls.
Come on Doctor Crawford.
You're going to go into the
south shed,
you're going to take the
newborn off of Dotty.
Take little Victoria outside,
her legs are still a bit
unstable
and she'll be scared an' all,
so you might have to
carry her. And then what?
- She'll be stunned with a bolt
g*n.
- Ah, that it? Come on Jeffrey.
- I'll sh**t her with a bolt g*n
here.
Make sure that the bolt
penetrates her frontal cortex.
And then I'll push a
plastic rod into the hole
into her brain and down
into her spinal cord
to make sure that she's dead.
- And then you'll sling
her on a pyre and burn her.
- Do you think I want to do
this?
- You swore to me, Jeffrey. You
swore.
Oi! You get off my farm or
I'll blow your bloody head off!
- Calm down!
It's all right. It's under
control.
Let me help you.
- Help? You won't do nothing.
- There's nothing I can do!
- Spineless, gutless.
You're a worm of a man. You know
that?
A f*cking waste of space.
Waste of time I had bothering
with you.
- Come on. Put it down.
- Why?
Why shouldn't I blow your head
off?
Do everyone a bloody favor.
- [Slaughter Team] Right! That's
it.
We're calling the police.
- Wait! Stop!
There's no need.
It's not loaded.
- Please Jeffrey.
Nothing's making any sense.
- I'm so sorry.
- Please don't let them take my
girls.
- Michael.
- No! Wait!
Just wait!
Hang on! Just wait a minute!
Breed and Female Champion,
Devon County Show.
That one's Dotty.
First, First, Best in Show
Want you to show 'em these.
Best Heifer in Milk 1956, that
was my Dad's Lillibett, look.
Champion Dairy Pair 1992,
that was Amy and Jojo.
92's when your Holly fell
in love with that bay foal
and begged and begged us
till we brought it back
from the show, what was it
called?
- Chamomile.
- Chamomile. That's it.
And Sheila made that horrible
angel thing out of butter.
Half melted by the time we got
there.
You remember that Jeffrey?
- I remember.
- They're my girls. That's all I
got.
- Michael!
No!
- [Michael] Hello? Hello!?
I got my shotgun, so don't
go playing silly buggers, ay?
Just ghosts is it? Well
that's about right.
Oi! I'm warning you!
f*ck's sake.
This some kind of joke, is it?
What do you want?
You're not welcome here.
I should blow your f*cking head
off.
- [Jeff] Please do.
- [Michael] Shut up.
- [Jeff] Blow my head off.
- Shut up.
Stop talking stupid things.
Oh, she finally kicked you out,
has she?
God knows you've been asking for
it.
Why'd you come here?
Jeffrey!
Why'd you come back here?
- Always used to come here.
- Oh, it's a social visit is it?
Well, fan f*cking tastic.
Let's have some tea and f*cking
scones.
Oh, while we're at it,
here's a funny thing.
Zara's guts burst all across the
yard.
Just f*cking everywhere
with flies and maggots,
cos your little friends didn't
see fit
to clear up after themselves.
Just left my girls out
there in a great heap.
The smell got so bad you could
smell
it all across the house, no
escaping it there weren't.
Imagine if old Sheila had seen
that?
Been cattle on this farm for
nearly two hundred years.
Then it was all gone. In about
an hour.
Go on, get out and don't
you dare come back.
Hey, you bastard. You
get out of it! Go on!
Jesus I heard you were bad, but
f*ck me.
What? What have you done?
Is that all yours?
- I crashed.
- f*cking idiot! Yeah you all
right?
You broken anything?
- The windscreen is broke.
- [Michael] Yeah, f*ck the
windscreen.
- [Jeff] I think it might be a
write-off.
- [Michael] Where'd it happened?
- [Jeff] Creber's Lane.
- [Michael] And you didn't hit
no-one?
- [Jeff] No.
- [Michael] Oh no! Come
on, sit up Jeffrey.
- [Jeff] Get off!
- [Michael] Alright.
- You can sit down but
you got gotta stay awake.
- It's late.
- Yeah. And you probably got
concussion.
Oh, the state of you, Jeffrey.
f*cking state of this.
What were you thinking?
- I have to go to Dorking.
- Where the bloody hell is
Dorking?
- Surrey. She's taken
Holly, gone to her mother's.
I'm not even going to
see her on Christmas.
She's my daughter too.
- [Michael] Shut up
feeling sorry for yourself.
I don't wanna hear it.
- Smells.
- For the newborns, innit.
What the f*ck are you doing?
- I smell.
- You do smell as it happens.
You smell to high heaven
like a f*cking brewery.
- Nobody wants me here.
- [Michael] What do you expect?
Should just leave you here to
rot.
- [Jeff] Go on then.
- You what?
- f*ck off.
Leave me here to rot.
- It's as good as you deserve.
Don't notice you're
kipping in Ellacott's barn.
They wouldn't f*cking piss
on you if you were on fire.
I'm the only bloke stupid
enough to bother with you
and look where that got me.
Where you going?
- Going away.
- How far you think you'll
get in this weather?
End up dead in a field come
morning.
- Good.
- Oh, grow up Jeffrey.
You're bleeding for f*ck's
sakes.
Sit down.
Okay fine.
Off you pop and good f*cking
riddance.
And don't you dare come back
here.
f*ck's sake, Jeffrey!
- [Jeff] Get off!
- [Michael] I'm trying
to help you, you baby.
- Leave me alone!
- [Michael] This is you all over
this is.
What, sad cause no one likes you
no more?
Poor Jeffrey. Boohoo. Boo
f*cking hoo!
Everyone took to you when you
first got here, didn't they?
After first five minutes,
Pub Quiz, Fun Run,
f*cking lovely house,
beautiful little girl-
- Well I got f*ck all now.
She's selling the house.
No wife.
No girl.
No car.
Well a car with a lot of tree in
it.
I'm suspended. "Compassionate
leave."
And I'm a social pariah.
- You're a f*cking
whinging bastard and all.
I'm not laughing.
- How are you?
- You f*cking joking?
- You keeping well?
I've been having a little
trouble Michael.
With everything.
Sorry.
Sorry to disturb your evening.
- For f*ck's sake, Jeffrey!
Sit down.
- [Jeff] It's cold.
- Yep.
Duck pond's frozen.
There ain't no ducks in it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wakey wakey!
What's the capital of Sweden,
Jeffrey?
- Oslo.
- Right. Who sang...I
don't know...something?
- Lulu.
- Yeah. Very good.
Who wrote w*r and Peace?
- Lulu.
- Did she? f*ck me.
- I hated it you know?
- Yeah. I don't want to hear it.
- I had to do such horrible
things.
- Who
- [Jeff] And I'm sorry.
- Who won Euro-
- Michael, I'm so sorry about it
all.
- Who won Euro '88?
You're always shit at the sport
ones.
- [Jeff] I feel sick.
- When was the last time
you actually ate anything?
Do you even know?
Christ.
Go on then. Take them.
They're beef flavor.
So it's a bit like dinner.
I haven't got much else in.
Sheila'd give me a right ticking
off
having just crisps for me
dinner.
God, she was here now,
she'd go ballistic at the state
of you.
She'd bloody drag you in the
house, shouting her head off,
shove you in a hot bath,
probably give you a load of my
clothes.
We was in Tavvi once, saw a
wino wearing my tweed jacket.
"Charity begins at home", she
said.
She was a wonderful woman.
- She was.
- Church kicking out.
Should've gone, really.
Carol singing's the only good
bit, innit?
- Oranges with the candle.
- Oh yeah. I do like the
oranges with the candles.
Watch the kids from St. Mary's
f*cking up their lines in the
nativity.
- [Jeff] Remember when
you were Father Christmas?
Sitting in your grotto
in the village hall?
- Don't push your luck.
- Holly worked it out.
- [Michael] What?
- It was your voice.
She said why would Father
Christmas have a Devon accent?
- Fair point.
- [Jeff] What was the song?
"You boys and girls won't
get any toys!" That one.
- When Santa got stuck up the
chimney.
- Santa stuck up the chimney.
He began to shout
You boys and girls-
- Girls and boys.
- Go on then.
- f*ck off.
I don't remember.
- [Jeff] Bollocks.
When Santa got stuck up the
chimney-
- [Jeff] With the actions.
- Do you want me to do it or
not?
- [Jeff] Sorry.
When Santa got stuck up the
chimney
He began to shout
You girls and boys won't get
any toys
If you don't pull me out
My beard is black,
there's soot in my sack
My nose is tickley too
When Santa got stuck up the
chimney
Achoo, achoo, achoo
- [Jeff] Can I come in the
house?
- I don't know yet.
I heard
I heard you got it bad for me
You hid it so well
So well that I could barely
see
Now I know
And it's more than a little
crazy
Don't you know
I've been dreaming
that you'll be my baby
I can barely breath
I can't wait to see you
I can almost taste it
'Cause I know it's gonna be
So sweet
Sweet as sugar
Always on my mind
So bad
Nothing sweeter that I'll
never find
I wanna sing
Wanna sing sing
Wanna sing
Wanna sing sing
Let's sing
Let's sing sing
When I was a little girl
Little girl
You got the game
You got the goods
You don't got nothing nothing,
nothing
Look at me, look at me, look
at me
I rigged the game
Misunderstood
So you better get
running running, running
Look at me, look at me, look
at me
Yeah yeah!
I say hey boy, sitting in your
tree
Mummy always wants you to come
for tea
Don't be shy, straighten up
your tie
Get down from your
tree house in the sky
I wanna know just what it do
Is it very big, is there room
for two
I got a house with windows and
doors
I'll show you mine
if you show me yours
Gotta let me in
Hey hey hey
Let the fun begin
Hey
- I said we shouldn't hire Dodgy
Dave.
- David is the finest disc
jockey this side of Exeter.
- He's cheap, you mean.
- That's by the by.
- He works on the waltzers.
- Wooo, Sorry Princess Margaret.
- Holly's having a blinding time
eh?
- Yeah.
- Gorgeous, isn't she?
- Of course.
- Don't get that from you.
When she walked down that
aisle was like an angel
walked in the room, made my
heart stop.
Should be proud of your girl.
- I really am.
- Should be.
What the f*ck's he doing here?
- [Jeff] Who?
- [Michael] f*cking Ellacott.
Not enough he's selling
up to the highest bidder,
now he's got his snout in my
buffet!
Bloody shameless bastard.
- Leave it.
- Look at him! With his cheeks
full of my teriyaki skewers.
Can buy his own now couldn't he?
He can f*cking afford it.
- You can't blame him.
- Where's it leave the rest of
us eh?
f*cking houses everywhere.
Wake up one morning, go for a
piss
they'll be a supermarket
opened up in me toilet.
- Michael. Not now.
- Oh come on.
You gotta have a fight at
the wedding. It's tradition.
Get this lot something to go up
at.
- God, Helen's new bit's
a jumped up tosser isn't he?
- He's an estate agent.
- Course he f*cking is.
- Apparently they're
considering taking the plunge.
- Ah sod 'em. You're
best off out of it mate.
She hasn't half got an
arse on her these days.
- She has stacked in on since
the divorce.
- Yeah, mother of the bride.
More like f*cking Free Willy!
Good on you bey, not letting
that batch of bastards
upset you, like bloody
mother-in-law,
HMS Pinafore over there.
- Barbara? Old Barbara's
been having a field day.
"Orange juice is it Jeffrey?
Well that does make a change!"
She never did like me.
- She's another one f*cking
boring as sin,
lording it over everyone with
her too much perfume and her,
what's it? Plumes.
I said to her, I said,
"what you come as, love -
Admiral Nelson"?
- You didn't say that.
- I did! (laughing)
- Ha! Well, good. Bollocks to
her.
- Bollocks to her!
- Shhh!
- She never had to do an ounce
of all that whatnot you did.
See bey, she was born a posh old
twat
and she'll die the same an all.
There's no twelve steps for
that.
Anyway. Lord of the manor you
now?
- Hardly.
- We done alright. We'll
double the herd by next year.
Fix the roof...
- [Both] Go organic, get a hot
tub.
You got the sound
You lift me up
- Oh Pipa is a lovely woman
innit she?
I said to her I said,
"You got a look of Gina
Lollobrigida, you.
You ever hear that sweetheart?"
She's not married to him, is
she?
- Pipa? Yeah she is.
That's my cousin Steve.
- Huh?
- Gina Lollobrigida.
f*ck me, they don't make
them make that anymore bey.
You think they'd get to a
certain size
and she wouldn't be able to
keep her balance no more.
That's remarkable.
See, Sheila had a good pair on
her
but then she had the
backside to, you know,
act like a counterbalance, sort
of thing.
- [Steve] See you Jeff!
- Cheers, Steve! See you on the
14th!
- What's happening on the 14th?
- [Jeff] Michael!
Michael.
- You can tell that Steve he
can f*ck a whistle for it!
Sick of these people.
- Hang on!
- Why are you always
fiddling with the house?
- I'm not!
- I let you move in out
the goodness of my heart
and suddenly it's all
bloody 'insulate' that
and 'floorboards' this.
- It's just evaluation.
I mean why not explore some
options?
Steve reckons if we convert
just one of the barns,
then we're sitting on
acres of real estate.
- I'm sitting on my farm.
Alright?
- Our farm.
Come on.
You're missing the party.
- [Michael] I f*cking hate
'Grand Designs' Jeffrey.
- [Jeff] I know.
- [Michael] How come
it's always f*cking on?
Night and day. It's all they
ever show,
have its own bleeding channel
soon.
- [Jeff] I didn't mean we'd
actually
get Grand Designs, round-
- [Michael] You better f*cking
not!
We're not having 'Grand
Designs' round here,
f*cking putting bidets
left right and center.
I'm feeling so good
Feeling so good
Reaching out to the weekend
Feeling so good
I'm feeling so good
Put your hands up for
the Friday feeling
- Just thinking it's a
shame old Sheils ain't here.
She bloody loved a wedding.
Bloody loved a buffet and all.
- She was a wonderful woman.
- She was.
- [Michael] Why can't
I have a farm Jeffrey?
Why does everything have to
be a bloody conference center,
f*cking spa, barn conversion.
People still gotta eat don't
they?
Still gotta grow plants,
can't do that in a test tube yet
can you?
I don't understand people no
more.
- It's just a way we could
actually make some money.
You know how it's been.
Soon be winter again and
we'll be back to living
by the Rayburn 'cause every
other room's
got damp patches turning to ice.
Roof's leaking.
The windows are so creaky
they're basically held
together with cobwebs.
I mean why not use the barn?
Just use some of the land.
It's better than having
it fall apart, isn't it?
- Bloody washing and ironing
and playing char lady
to a load of posh twats?
- But nothing's working.
Look, we tried, and we
couldn't have done more,
but milk prices just keep
folding.
- What?
So we just give everything
up to people that's come down
here and treat this whole county
like it's a f*cking hotel?
Like it's all been put
here for their weekend
and their postcards.
You don't let 'em come
down here and bully you.
I heard the lot of 'em.
"Oh isn't it lovely. It's
like an oil painting."
But it's not a painting
is it? It's proper.
It's actually here.
Ten years ago they would've
been ankle deep in cow shit.
- And now we've maybe got
a couple of months left.
- We would double the herd, go
organic-
- With money from what?
We're tapped out.
This was the last of it.
Dunno what else we can do.
Enjoy the party. I suppose.
- [Television] ...have
sufficient building materials
for their dream home but
cannot afford the labor cost.
Unable to borrow more from the
bank,
They've decided to build
a house themselves,
but with absolutely no
experience our builders
wonder how wise this decision
might turn out to be,
I went to visit them in
Staffordshire to find out.
- What the hell? (begins
coughing)
- [Jeff] Shut up. You're
making yourself cough.
- [Michael] Old Sheila wet her
knickers,
she saw you standing there
like that in her coat.
- [Jeff] Yes. Well someone
chucked mine in the slurry pit.
- [Michael] Did they?
- [Jeff] Yes they did.
- [Michael] Imagine you was been
a knob.
- [Jeff] You imagine.
- Hang about, you're not
wearing her knickers too is you?
Is that what's wrong, you got
your knickers on too tight?
That's it! It's cutting off
circulation to your brains?
- [Jeff] Very droll.
Where's your tablet?
- I don't want a tablet.
- Did you want some water?
- Bollocks some water. You
wanna be useful, roll us a f*g.
- Absolutely not.
- So what difference
it gonna make now, eh?
- This is a pissing stupid idea
you know.
- Roll us a f*g.
- You'd be far more comfortable
in bed.
- Get on, bed! Best
views in Devon up here.
God's own country this is,
Jeffrey.
- [Jeff] Lucky you can't see
the diggers from up here.
- [Michael] Diggers?
- [Jeff] Bottom end of Church
Lane.
They're building a new estate.
- [Michael] Christ and
Baby Moses in a basket.
- Heard what they're gonna call
it?
I'm not sure I should tell you,
actually.
It's not good for your blood
pressure.
- Let me guess.
Dingley Nightingale Twinkle
f*cking Glade?
- Worse.
- Honeysuckle Badger Sparkley
Lane?
- "Shepherd's Dell".
- "Shepherd's Dell"! Oh Christ!
Where's me shotgun?
f*cking sh**t me in the
head now that I live to see
Shepherd's - what the f*ck's a
'dell'?!
- I think it's where pixies
live.
- Nah, pixies. Christ.
What is wrong with people?
- The irony being,
the shepherd's working
on the building site.
- Who's that? Shane, whatsit?
- Shane Dempsey.
- Dempsey, is he?
- Apparently.
- You best keep your distance
then.
- Why?
- Don't remember do you?
- Oh god. What?
- Well, back when you was, you
know, being a drunk w*nk*r.
- Alcohol dependent.
- You tried it on with
Shane Dempsey's missus
in front of everyone,
including him in the
beer garden of the Drake.
- Hmm? Is that all?
- Well you didn't have no
trousers on at the time, see?
- I didn't?
- No, you sicked up down
yourself,
so you saw fit to take then
off and fling them in a tree.
- Oh shit.
- Ruined their Carly's Sweet 16,
that did.
He nearly battered you
to death in the car park.
Still. I laughed.
- Sorry.
- So he's on the building
sites now is he? Shame.
I've changed my mind.
I don't want to be buried
in the church yard no more.
I want to be stuffed and
put in that bottom field
so I can scare the out of
everybody in Shepherd's Dell.
- Or I could just bury you
with your arse sticking out.
- Oh yeah. Give you
somewhere to park your bike.
- Nah, it's too much work.
Just sling you in the compost
bin.
You'll mulch up lovely come
spring.
Do you want some water?
- Tea.
- Here.
- Oh, I forgot.
I got you a present.
Look.
We got loads.
We should get them in some
vinegar
and have a conker tournament.
- Ah, that's a beauty.
Look at that Jeffrey.
Magnificent innit?
- Yes it is.
It's getting late.
We should think about getting
you home.
- Oh, let's stay out a bit
longer eh?
- You'd been up here ages.
Besides dinner will be ready
soon.
I've made Cheesy Bean Crunch.
- I hate cheesy bean bollocking
crunch.
- There's protein in beans.
It's good for you.
- You'll finished me off
with your bloody rabbit food.
- Actually Michael,
rabbits eat their own
mucus covered cecal pellets
as they emerge from the anus.
- You're a flithy bastard.
- Goosey Fair day today,
can you believe it, already?
Comes around quicker and
quicker.
I used to take Holly until
she got to cool to go with me.
I bought her a great big
plastic tiara one year,
flashing lights all over it,
she wouldn't take it off.
Really annoyed Helen, which
was a bonus, of course.
She was outraged I'd bought
her something so 'gaudy'.
But that's the charm of
a fair though isn't it?
It's sort of, gloriously...shit.
Helen always wanted it to be
like
something out of Jane Austen.
- Trev won a goldfish one
year on the sh**ting gallery.
- Don't know how I feel about
that.
- Don't worry about them.
Hard as f*cking nails fairground
goldfish,
could fight a dog.
Lived in a vase for the first
six months.
He had that fish for bloody
years,
lasted till he went to college.
- What was it called?
- 'Marty Maraschino'.
She's buried in a matchbox
beneath the rowan tree.
It's from Grease, pink
ladies and all that,
you ever watch that film?
- Oh a loop. Holly loved Grease.
- So did Trev.
- Be good if he came to stay one
weekend?
I've got his email.
- Yeah. Perhaps.
- Well. I'll see when
him and Jack are free.
What now for us then? Hmm?
Get the bonfire lit, toast some
crumpets?
Or some sort of Pagan orgy?
I'll phone Mrs Tebbs from the
post office,
get her to bring her sister
Eunice?
I hear she'll do anything
for a custard slice
and a game of bingo.
- Smell that?
Autumn.
Smells like smoke and frost and
wet moss.
Should get that bonfire
lit, dry spell won't last.
Sheila'd always bake me
a blackberry crumble.
- She was a cracking cook.
- Oh, she was.
That's how come she had an
arse the size of Tiverton.
Remember that new year she come
up here,
all that fuss she made coming
up here in them stilettos?
- Why was she wearing stilettos?
- Showing off to your Helen
wasn't she?
Great night that was,
sitting up here watching the
fireworks.
- Helen got so pissed she kept
calling it 'the min-ellium'.
Happy Min-ellium!
- Happy Min-ellium!
Used to bring old Sheils up
here when we was first courting.
- Oh, that's nice.
- And we'd sneak back to
the barn for a fumble.
Bloody gorgeous she was.
Love of my life.
Bloody hurry up and find
yourself a bird, Jeffrey.
You find yourself a good
woman, you'd be happy.
- I should. God help me.
The only fanny I've seen in
years is you.
- I never moved house.
I ever tell you that?
- Yeah. You did.
- Born upstairs.
- Well, I didn't know that.
- Mm. My mother was back milking
the cows within the hour.
We had a good run, didn't we
Jeffrey?
- You finished your tea?
- Muddled through and all.
- Life of Riley. Telly in the
kitchen.
- Telly in the kitchen!
Sheila'd never let me have
a telly in the kitchen.
There you go, some dreams do
come true.
Come on, my bean crunch is gonna
burn.
- It's all yours.
The house.
- It's gonna get far too cold up
here
if you don't get a move on.
- No, I said the house is yours,
Jeffrey.
- Yeah. Don't be daft.
- I know I ain't been the
easiest bloke to live with.
- You're a colossal and
perpetual pain in the arse.
- No, you're a pain in the arse.
- I am. Now come on. It's
getting cold.
- Yeah. Lucky bastard
eh, to have had all this.
Have a woman like Sheila and,
be here, have a life here,
never wanted to go anywhere else
you know.
Went to Coventry once.
- Oh yeah?
- It was f*cking awful.
Still you can go anywhere
you like though eh Jeffrey?
You do that.
- Don't be such a girl.
- What's the longest
river in Africa Jeffrey?
- The Nile.
- Is it?
- You are a terrible quizmaster.
- Yeah.
Mmm. What you'd call a
baldy git in a stupid coat?
- Very good.
- Hey listen.
Come on Jeffrey.
Even you know this one.
- It's a nightjar.
And Then Come the Nightjars (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3