16x16 - No Laughing Matter

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does our love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Grow Your Own' by Small Faces

I've signed the delivery sheet, Ted.

Oscar's away. I'm rushed off my feet.

PHONE RINGS See what I mean? See you later.

- See you later. - Bye.

I'll be with you in a minute. Aidensfield Arms.

Hiya, Phil.

Yeah, yeah, the estate agent phoned.

A couple of possibilities for us to look at.

Look, can I call you back? I'm up to my eyes in it.

What do you mean, you cheeky beggar?

Rooms to clean, food to prepare, and I've got customers waiting.

I love you too. Bye.

Sorry about that. What can I get you?

I gather you need a cellar man?

I had a drink in Flying Horse last night, they mentioned it.

Yeah. I was trying to find a relief man for shifting barrels

and bottling up and that.

I've done the job before.

It's only temporary, though, a week, ten days at the most.

I'm keen to find work. I've got young kids. I need anything going.

I do need someone with real experience, though.

I'm an experienced cellar man, honest. I've done bar work too.

Pubs, hotels, all over.

Have you got references?

Not with me. They're not a problem, though.

OK, then. The draymen are here.

Help get my delivery in, we'll see how you get on.

Right. Sure.

I'm popping over to Aidensfield for a pint.

Can I offer anyone a lift?

Well, I would take you up on that, Geoff, but I am in a bit of a hurry.

How do you mean?

I'd like to get there for last orders, that's what I mean.

- I don't go that slow. - You reckon?

He took that long to drive down the high street,

I nearly gave him a parking ticket!

Oh, leave the lad alone.

There's nowt wrong with being a careful driver is there, Geoff?

That's right. We're not all speed merchants.

MUSIC: 'Hey, Good Lookin'' by Johnny Cash

♪ Hey, hey, good lookin'

♪ What ya got cookin'? CAR HORN

♪ How's about cookin' somethin' up with me?

♪ I got a hot rod Ford

CAR HORN ♪ And a two-dollar bill

♪ And I know a spot right over the hill

♪ There's soda pop and the dancin's free... ♪

TOMMY: So, I said to this old Yorkshireman,

"What kind of car do you drive?" He said, "A Rolls Canardly."

I said, "A Rolls Canardly?"

He said, "Yes, it rolls down hills

but can hardly get up the other side!"

LAUGHTER

Politician out canvassing, he says to this Yorkshire man, he says,

"Have you lived in Yorkshire all your life?"

Fella thinks for a bit,

chomps on his pipe and says, "I don't know yet."

LAUGHTER

Tanner's the name, laughter's the game.

Soon to be seen in panto at the Alhambra Theatre, Whitby.

I advise you to book early to avoid disappointment.

And my glass seems to be empty again.

Oh, thank you.

- You all right, Miss Forster? - I'm fine, thank you, Gina.

I hope you're enjoying your stay with us.

I'm sorry it's a bit more lively in here than usual.

I understand he used to be on the wireless.

GINA: Yeah. Yeah, a few years back.

He's doing the Christmas panto in Whitby.

He certainly seems to enjoy being the centre of attention.

- He's looking at me now. - I'm sure he's quite harmless.

You're off to the antique fair in Harrogate, I gather?

Yes. I deal in antique jewellery.

I was admiring your necklace. That's antique, isn't it?

It's Victorian. Belonged to my grandmother.

Worth a few bob.

Yes, but I'd never sell it. It's very dear to me.

- This is Miss Forster, Tommy. - Hi.

So, lovely Gina, I'm heartbroken to hear

you're engaged to be married, to a copper?

- That's right. - Actually, if you'll excuse me.

Your fiance'll like this one.

A copper pulls a bloke over for speeding...

So, she's not about, then?

She were that full of cold, Bernie's made her take a couple of days off.

I've been helping out on the pumps. CAR HORN

I should drive something like that.

You know, it's humiliating

being passed by everything on the road in this.

Anyway, I've been left a bit of money by an auntie of mine,

so I'm hoping Rosie's gonna help me find something with more oomph.

Well, I've contacts in the motor trade. I could sort you out.

Do you know much about cars?

Yeah, course I do. You leave it with me.

That'll be nine and six for the petrol, please.

BELLAMY: Yeah, quite like this one.

Nice. I'll get them to arrange a viewing then.

Good idea. So, who's matey boy, then?

Len. He's helping me out while Oscar's away.

Not seen him before. Where is he from?

I'm not sure.

What? You just took him on, did you? Did you not ask for any references?

Phil, I trust my own judgement, OK?

Don't you ever stop being a copper?

Sorry.

MISS FORSTER: Oh, no! Gina! Gina!

My necklace. It's gone!

I put it in its case last night.

Someone's been in the drawer, the case's here but the chain's gone.

Are you sure it was in its case?

Yes, certain. I put it in there last night before retiring to bed.

And you've had a good look around?

Look, it's not here.

It's been stolen. You better call the police.

SIGHS

Right.

Did you lock your door when you went to bed, Miss Forster?

Of course I did.

But you say there's no sign of any forced entry?

- The lock's not broken. - Is there a pass key to the rooms?

It's kept on a hook behind the bar but it's still there.

Somebody might have used the key to gain entry and then replaced it.

I suppose they could have, yeah.

What time did you go to bed, Miss Forster?

Around half ten. I read for a while.

I remember the church clock striking .

Must have dropped off to sleep soon after that.

No sign of any external break-in to the premises, Sarge.

And the necklace disappeared after the premises were locked up?

Sounds like an inside job.

What are you saying? Someone staying here took it?

Possibly or perhaps a member of staff.

This new chap you've taken on, Len Carter.

What time did he leave?

GINA: He worked till closing time.

Cleared some ash trays and glasses, sorted out the drip trays.

Probably about quarter past, past .

- Did he come upstairs at all? -I don't think so.

I can't be certain. I was busy in the kitchen.

What other residents do you have staying, Gina?

Just a couple of commercial travellers.

They've been regular guests for years.

They weren't in the bar last night and they left first thing.

Well, we'll need addresses for them. Anyone else?

Just Tommy Tanner.

Not the Tommy Tanner?

I had a few drinks in the bar and then I came up to bed.

What's all this about?

A resident appears to have lost a valuable piece of jewellery.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You didn't see or hear anything suspicious during the night?

TOMMY: No, nothing. I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.

LAUGHS

CLEARS THROAT

Look, if you want to search my room, you be my guest.

That won't be necessary, sir.

But if you do recall anything, you let us know.

Of course, Sergeant.

I was gone by .

Miss Ward thought it was a bit later than that.

Er, no, I don't think so.

Did you visit any of the residents' rooms last night?

Course not.

Are you aware there's a pass key?

Well, yeah. Gina showed me everything when she took me on.

But my job's the bar not the rooms.

So, if I have it dusted for prints, yours won't be on it?

No. Why would they be?

We'll get their local police to have a word with your travellers.

- If it does turn up, let us know. - Of course.

- Cheers, Gina. - Ta-ra, love.

Chummy seems to be a bit on edge.

Let's keep an eye on him.

CAR HORN

All right! Allright!

Peggy, I thought you were supposed to be helping me with these pumps.

SIGHS

I've got this young chap, cash buyer,

looking for a bit of oomph under his bonnet he says.

Anyway, the point is, Harry, if I was to put his business your way,

will I get my usual slice of commission?

Ooh, that'll do nicely.

Yeah, yeah. I'll pop along and see what's on your forecourt.

All right. Bye.

VENTRESS: Er, sorry to interrupt, Sarge.

Just had a call from CRO about Len Carter.

- Is he known to us? - I'm afraid so.

He had various convictions for theft

and he was part of a g*ng who robbed and b*at up an old lady in Hull.

He got three years for that.

Did he, indeed? I'm not very keen on people who b*at up old ladies.

And we had a call from Gina at the pub.

She thought we'd like to know that Len Carter's packed in the job.

♪ Don't you have a word

♪ To show what may be done?

♪ Have you never heard a way to find the sun?

Sergeant Miller, PC Walker. Is Len Carter here?

What do you want with him? I'm his wife.

May we come in?

Mr Carter, we'd like to ask you more about the missing necklace.

Not here. Let's talk outside.

Hang on. What's this about?

We talked to your husband earlier.

A necklace went missing from a guest room

at the Aidensfield Arms last night.

WIFE: You never mentioned this, Len?

- I didn't think to. - Why did you pack your job in?

Packed in? You said you'd been let go cos the cellar man was back?

I don't want to discuss this in front of my family.

No, go on, I want to hear.

You said you'd left the pub at about . What time did you get home?

I don't know. It's about a ten-minute walk.

Ten past, I suppose.

Can you confirm this, Mrs Carter?

No, I was asleep when he got in.

It's not the first time property has gone missing

from a hotel room is it?

No. God, no, please.

What do you mean?

Surely you must be aware of your husband's previous convictions?

Is this true?

Len?

LEN: I'm so sorry, love.

It were before I met you, ages ago.

I just got into trouble a few times.

What sort of trouble?

- Perhaps we better talk outside. - No, I want to know!

- What convictions, Len? - It were stealing and that.

I did a stretch for robbery and as*ault.

What?

Come on, you two, upstairs.

MILLER: I am sorry she had to find out likethat.

We've put out an alert

to all dealers, jewellers and pawn brokers.

The necklace won't be easy to shift.

I haven't got it. Why don't you leave me alone?

If necessary, I can get a warrant to search this house.

We'll be keeping an eye on you, Mr Carter.

I'm sorry, love.

VENTRESS: Yes.

Er, no, he's here now.

It's for you. Peggy Armstrong.

She says she's got something for you, with bags of oomph.

You what?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Hello, Mrs Armstrong.

Yes.

Ooh, that sounds promising.

Yes.

It's nearly dinner time.

I could pop to the bank for the cash and come over now if you want.

Yes.

All right. Yeah. Thank you. Bye.

It's my break, Alf. I'm just popping out.

Bit of private business.

Concerning oomph?

Yeah. Something like that.

Three of us broke into this house.

While we were robbing it, the old woman who lived there came home.

We started to leg it but she were a brave old bird.

She grabbed Terry, one of the others.

He just hurled her off and she smashed her head on the sideboard.

Terry said, "Leave her." He just kept going.

But her eyes had gone all funny and her head were bleeding.

So, I stayed, tried to do what I could for her.

I got a flannel for the blood and that.

I was still there when the coppers arrived.

I got three years, Annie.

The old lady survived but I was so sickened by what we'd done,

I swore I'd go straight when I got out and I have.

And then I was lucky enough to meet you.

I was so ashamed of my past I... I couldn't tell you.

On our kids' lives, I've done nothing wrong since.

Look, I'm from a decent family.

We're notused to answering the door to the police.

I didn't steal that necklace.

Can I believe that?

Can I ever trust you again?

What else don't I know about you?

That's it, I promise.

Please, Annie, you have to believe me.

No!

I don't want you near me or near the boys.

All right. If that's how you feel...

...then I'll go!

This is not just a car, my friend.

This is a must-have, Mark One Cortina.

We're talking a highly economical, twim-cam engine,

perfect for tuning or tweaking up.

We're talking Lotus designed suspension,

superb road holding, aluminium dashboard trim and moulded seats.

And we're talking loads of motor for the money.

Snap it up, or risk heartbreak, my friend. This is a car to die for.

The Flying Squad down in the Met drive these.

It's fabulous.

We're talking real oomph here.

I see you in this, Geoffrey.

But you ought to get your money out and do your deal

before somebody beats you to it.

ENGINE STUTTERS

GRINDING AND CREAKING

No. No, he's here.

Younger not back from dinner yet?

It's Gina from the Aidensfield Arms.

She's got an urgent message about the missing jewellery.

Sergeant Miller here.

Where?

Don't say anything to anyone until I get there.

Get hold of PC Walker,

get him to meet me at the Aidensfield Arms, ASAP.

A neighbour saw Carter arrive home just before ten past , Sarge.

Given where he lives and Emily Forster's timings,

it pretty well puts him in the clear.

He may be in the clear anyway. The jewellery's been found elsewhere.

Yes, definitely mine. Oh, thank goodness. It's a family heirloom.

May I?

Miss Ward said she found it in Mr Tanner's room.

Have you any idea how it might have got there?

No. I've never even spoken to Mr Tanner, let alone been in his room.

Though, he did...

Go on?

Well, last night in the bar, he did stare at me,

at my jewellery.

It made me feel uncomfortable, so I left the bar, didn't I, Gina?

I do remember her saying something about it, yeah, and then she left.

- Is Mr Tanner around? - No, he's at a rehearsal in Whitby.

APPLAUSE I tell you what,

if I had a Kn*fe-throwing act with my ex-wife,

I wouldn't miss her like you do!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr Tanner, but can we have a word?

If you're looking for suspects, you've come to the right place.

There's thieves knocking about this theatre somewhere.

LAUGHTER In private, if you wouldn't mind.

It's not parking tickets again, is it?

In my hotel wardrobe? Can't have been.

Miss Forster says she has no idea how it came to be there. Have you?

No I haven't. Someone must have put it there.

Who? And why would they do that?

TOMMY: Ooh, I don't know.

The only thing I've ever nicked is other people's jokes!

You're not seriously accusing me of theft?

I need an explanation as to how another guest's property

ended up in your room.

Well, I haven't got one. I've been set up.

Somebody's set me up. Must have.

Perhaps we could chat down the station.

We can go through everything there.

Oh, this is a nightmare.

I'm gonna have to miss rehearsal. Can I phone my agent?

Of course.

What time do you call this, then?

Is Sergeant Miller after my blood?

No, you're lucky he's not here.

Peggy flamin' Armstrong!

I paid nigh on quid for a car that breaks...

Hello, Mr Scripps?

It's PC Younger.

Is Mrs Armstrong there?

Yes. Yes, I would like to talk to her.

- Tommy, Tommy. - Oh, no!

Is it true you've been arrested for theft, Tommy??

- All right. All right. - What's going on, PC Walker?

We've heard he's suspected of nicking some jewellery?

I can't comment on that, Arthur.

Do us a favour! This is a big story. I can make a few bob selling it...

- As I said, no comment. - The public have a right to know!

How did the press get onto it?

Perhaps someone at the theatre tipped them off.

Look, I'm a family entertainer. I don't need this kind of publicity.

We can make it clear that you're here voluntarily, if that will help.

I don't think it would. No.

Look, I have absolutely no idea

how this piece of jewellery came to be in my wardrobe.

Let's go back to last night, shall we?

What time did you check into the pub?

Bernie! Bernie, can I have David take the pick-up truck

to collect PC Younger's car? He's broken down.

- Has he asked us to do that? -Well, not as such.

He's only just bought it and I put him onto it

and I'm feeling a bit guilty.

I thought perhaps we could tow him back on the house, as it were.

What are you talking about, woman?

We didn't sell him the car, get whoever did to tow him!

Anyway, I'm really busy. I've got taxi jobs all day, Aunt Peggy.

- BERNIE: Yes, he has, so forget it. - Thanks a lot, David.

Well, I am. I'm really busy.

Got a little chap a bit under the weather, I gather.

- He's running a temperature. - Let's have a look then.

- Are you all right, Annie? - Not really.

I've found out some very disturbing things about Len.

"Before we end this news summary,

we've received a report that the comedian Tommy Tanner

has been arrested at a theatre in Yorkshire on suspicion of theft."

"We've no further details at present."

"And now here's Melody Hour with Moira Masters."

- Are you all right, Emily? - Oh, dear lord. What have I done?

CLEARS THROAT There's someone over there.

Yes, madam, how can I help you?

I've come to confess that I've done something dreadful.

Tommy Tanner is completely innocent.

You are now saying the necklace wasn't stolen at all

and that you put it into Mr Tanner's room yourself?

- Yes. - Can you tell me why you did that?

Well, you may find this strange,

but I've always admired him immensely.

I'm his greatest fan.

But he doesn't even know, or care.

How do you mean?

Well, I know everything about him.

He was born Thomas Arthur Bates,

adopting the stage name, Tanner, in .

He was in ENSA during the w*r,

first break in radio came on the Gangs In Town show.

His radio programme Tanner's The Name ran from to

and he has twice appeared in the Royal Variety Performance.

I know every theatre, every show, he's ever appeared in.

BELLAMY: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

If you're such a fan, why get him in trouble?

Well, because he never knows who I am.

I write regular cards, letters, I never miss his birthday.

I've waited for hours outside stage doors,

only to have him walk straight past me.

Well, last night was the final straw.

I stayed at the pub especially to be near him

and when Gina introduced me, he hardly gave me a second glance.

I was nobody to him. I was hurt.

This is the most precious thing I have. I wanted to hurt him back.

Like Oscar Wilde said, I wanted to k*ll the thing I love.

What a sad woman.

You weren't aware of her obsession with you or your career?

No, not really.

I haven't time to clock every face that turns up at the stage door,

read every fan letter in full.

You didn't recognise her at the pub?

No. Quite frankly I wasn't really aware of this woman's existence.

Yet she knew everything about you.

Well, a lot of celebrities are plagued by odd-ball fans.

What are you going to do with her?

At least she owned up it before it went too far.

I wouldn't want to persecute the woman any further.

Leave that to me, Mr Tanner.

Thank you. I'll see what I can do about getting your station

some complimentary tickets for the show.

Tommy! Is there any truth

in the claims that have been made about you?

I'm naturally delighted that allegations against me

have been withdrawn.

I was the innocent victim

of an attempt to blacken my good name and reputation.

However I feel no anger towards the woman who did this.

My many genuine fans will, I know, be relieved

that this matter has been resolved so quickly.

Now, that's all. Thank you.

OVERLAPPING QUESTIONING

Tommy, is it true that this woman was sexually infatuated by you?

Well, aren't all women? LAUGHTER

I've still got it, you know, lads!

Tanner's the name, laughter's the game!

LAUGHTER

Making a false allegation

and wasting police time are very serious offences, Miss Forster.

I could throw the book at you for this.

However, Mr Tanner has made it clear

that he's no wish to pursue this any further

and as you yourself came forward and admitted what you've done,

I've decided to let you off with a formal caution.

Oh, thank you. I'm very sorry, Sergeant.

- Hiya, Rob. - Evening.

I came to let your husband know that the missing jewellery business

has been sorted out. He's in the clear.

I see.

I'm sorry if our enquiries caused you any, you know.

It's not every day you learn you're married to a thieving ex-con.

Poor thing. She can't believe someone she's loved and trusted,

could deceive her like this.

OK but try and see it from his point of view.

Maybe there was never an easy time to tell her.

How would you react if a bloke proposed marriage,

and then said, "Oh, by the way I'm an ex-con?"

I'd say, "At least you're not a copper."

Very good. But seriously, though.

He may have wanted to come clean but didn't want to risk losing her.

Possibly. I mean, she admits he's a good dad.

And the boys love him. They keep asking where he is.

I think she's worried about him.

She said he looked really distressed when he left.

- OK. I'll keep an eye out for him. - Thank you.

I don't know what came over me.

I'm really sorry to have caused everyone so much trouble.

Yeah, well so am I.

- Bye, then. -Ta-ra.

MUSIC: 'Trouble' by Cat Stevens

♪ Trouble, oh, trouble set me free

♪ I have seen your face and it's too much, too much for me

♪ I've seen your eyes

♪ And I can see death's disguise hangin' on me

♪ Hangin' on me

♪ I'm b*at, I'm torn

♪ Shattered and tossed and worn too shocking to see ♪

What's all this?

Oh, me and our David fetched it last night,

out of his work hours.

Who's paying for it?

I thought you might have a quick look,

see if you can get it going again.

Marvin's Motors sold it.

Get them to sort it out. It's nowt to do with us.

- That's what I said, Mr Scripps. - Be quiet, David.

Well, they won't because PC Younger bought it without any guarantee.

Then PC Younger is a chump.

Look, I told him it was sound. He trusted me.

Then PC Younger is a bigger chump.

MUSIC: 'Ali Baba's Camel' by The Bonzo Dog Band

♪ You've heard of Ali Baba thieves had he

♪ Out for what we all want

♪ Lots of LSD

♪ He also had a camel

♪ Stole it from a zoo... ♪

TOMMY: Bravo!

Bravo!

The things I do for you, Tommy.

I got stage fright going into that station. I hope it was worth it.

Are you kidding? Ali Baba's a sell-out now.

My picture's gonna be splashed over every paper tomorrow.

My agent says the phone hasn't stopped.

People in the business expressing sympathy.

He's even managed to secure a few bookings.

Now there's a novelty. And he's negotiating with a Sunday newspaper

about my exclusive, about the nightmare of being arrested.

You really are a devious little schemer, aren't you?

You bet. That's why you're crazy about me, innit, girl?

That sergeant worried me. I thought he'd see through my act.

No! He's just a country plod and you are a very good actress, Sadie.

Good enough for you to put in a word with your agent as promised?

Sure but you better keep your head down for now.

Don't want you paying too many visits.

Especially as I share a dressing room.

Being in the limelight,

staying centre stage, it means a lot to you doesn't it, Tommy?

If you'd been as big as me, you'd understand.

I should be starring at the Palladium,

not third on the bill in panto at Whitby.

He's on the mend, I think.

I got a letter from Len this morning.

He isn't coming back.

Does he say that?

He says he realises

he's completely destroyed the trust on which our marriage was built.

Doesn't want me and the kids to be burdened by the shame of his past.

At the end he just says he'll always love me and the lads.

But that he won't be bothering you again.

Which is all very well but where does that leave me?

Two young boys to bring up on my own.

You two have to talk. Sort this out.

Have you any idea where he is?

No.

Harry said this was a car to die for.

I mean, I know he's a bit dodgy but I'm surprised it broke down so soon.

It did that because the head gasket's blown.

It's also got a worn fan belt, a faulty exhaust,

a slipping clutch, worn brake pads

and the sills and chassis are crumbling with rust.

That is not a car to die for.

It's a car to die in.

That's funny.

Aye, your picture's in every paper.

It's nice to be in the public eye again.

I'm an honest, decent bloke. I think everyone knows that.

Frankly, it'll cost more than the car's worth to fix it.

Then I want my money back.

I'm not sure Harry Marvin will be happy to oblige there.

We'll see about that!

No, no.

No, forget about Harry. I'll fix the car.

Don't talk rubbish! I'm going to see Marvin

and then I'll deal with you.

You see a whole new dimension to the lad when he's roused, don't you?

His wife's concerned for his whereabouts.

Carol Cassidy wondered if we might help in locating him.

- Why? - We exposed his past to his wife.

At her request. I was quite happy to talk to him privately.

If they've had a row and he's left home, it's got nowt to do with us.

He hasn't got a car,

he's not got much money, so he can't have gotten far.

Couldn't I just check out a few places?

No. The disappearance isn't suspicious.

It's not our job to look after people who have left home.

He wrote an emotional letter.

Carol Cassidy's read it. She's worried about his state of mind.

It's still not a police matter.

I'm not very happy with your car, Mr Marvin. I want my money back.

My car?

No, no, my friend, that motor became yours

the moment you drove it off my lot.

- It's a complete wreck. - Tough!

I sold it in good faith and you bought it "as seen".

So, you can just shove off.

All right, matey?

That was Mrs Adams from the B&B at Rydale Crossroads.

She's got a guest with a similar description to Len Carter.

He's behaving oddly and he's locked himself in the bathroom.

Right. Thanks, Alf. I'll take a look.

This way?

This is the police, open up.

Open the door, please.

Stay back.

He's in a bad way. I'll call Annie.

I heard the ambulance. RTA was it?

Nothing of any interest for you, Arthur.

Like getting blood out of a stone with you lot. Just like yesterday.

Actually, I was surprised to see the press already at the station.

- Who tipped you blokes off? - No comment.

I'm being serious. Was it the Alhambra at Whitby?

- Not exactly. - How do you mean?

- You'd have to ask our editor. -I'm asking you.

Hang on, mate, I'm just a reporter.

And I'm just a policeman.

Who tipped off the Gazette?

All right. The call came from London. Some big sh*t press agent.

Well, he won't cough up.

So, you can buy it back off me for the same amount I paid.

- Here's the logbook. - Oh, I can't afford to, Geoffrey.

No. Maybe Rosie'll get it back on the road when she gets better.

Just a bit of wire brush work.

You know, some anti-rust paint. It'll be as good as new.

Don't be daft, it's riddled.

Just a minute. That can't be right.

Give me that logbook.

Oh, I thought not.

The chassis numbers don't match. They're totally different.

That's funny.

Not just funny. It's illegal.

- Annie. - How is he?

He's lost a lot of blood.

It's not clear whether he'll be able to have a transfusion in time.

He must have been desperate to do what he did. It's all my fault!

- Don't be daft. - It is. I drove him away.

Your reaction was understandable.

Come on.

Sit down.

Oh, dear God, don't let him die.

Rob, how did you go on at the hospital?

It's not looking good for him.

There's something fishy about this Tommy Tanner business

and how the press got hold of it.

Alf, did we get an address for Emily Forster?

- Yes. - Well, did we verify that?

No, we didn't need to. She wasn't charged with anything.

There we are.

The Midlands? Let's see if the local boys know anything.

There you go.

He was never very close to his own family.

At the wedding, half my lot had to sit on his side of the church

to fill it up.

My mother would have had a fit if she'd realised he'd been inside.

Well, we all make mistakes.

It's what we learn from them that matters.

They're taking their time in there.

Cortina? What Cortina?

The chassis numbers on the vehicle and the logbook are different.

Really? That's your problem, sunshine, not mine.

Well, selling someone a car

with a chassis number different to the one on the logbook

is an offence.

Oh, really? Who taught you that then, matey?

Nobody.

I already knew.

For crying out loud, you're a flamin' copper.

That's right. And you're nicked, matey?

Warwickshire Police say the address Emily Forster gave us was phoney.

- I expect her name was as well. - Really?

The original call that tipped off the papers came from London,

a press agent.

Well, how do they know about it down there?

Probably because Tanner called London,

from the theatre, just before we brought him in.

Yeah, but why would you wanna tip off the press

about your involvement in a theft?

Because he already knew that he'd be put in the clear by Emily Forster.

He'd get loads of news coverage

and he'd come out smelling of roses,

if he didn't press charges against her.

She was in league with him?

Well, if you're right, they've wasted police time and resources

on a cheap publicity stunt.

They've also driven Len Carter to attempted su1c1de.

I think it's time we had a word with Mr Tanner.

Sadie? I told you not to come here again. People might suspect us.

Stage doorman didn't spot me. I had to see you.

The dress rehearsal starts soon. He could come back at any minute.

I went to the village shop earlier.

That barman from the pub's tried to k*ll himself,

slashed his wrists.

So?

He was suspected of stealing my necklace.

His criminal past came to light and his wife kicked him out.

- What's that got to do with us? - It's all our fault!

If we hadn't pulled this stunt,

he wouldn't have tried to take his own life!

Now, hold on.

It's not our fault he's got a criminal record.

He has young kids. We've destroyed a family here.

It was a harmless publicity stunt.

Harmless? Tommy, a man is fighting for his life!

What can we do about it?

We could come clean! I feel really guilty now.

We should apologise to the police, press, everyone.

Look, look, look.

If people find out that I've set this whole thing up,

my career is finished.

Is that all that matters to you?

It certainly matters more

than some two-bit loser with a criminal record, yes.

My God.

Say hello to the real Tommy Tanner. I have had it with you.

It's finished. I'm going to the police

and I'm going to tell them everything.

No! Sadie, wait!

CAST: ♪ La, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

I can't let you just walk out of here and sh**t your mouth off.

You could destroy my career, my entire life.

I won't. Tommy, please!

It's not a risk I can take, is it?

We're going to have a serious talk, Sadie, away from everyone.

Go on.

Tommy Tanner's dressing room?

If you were to go over there now, they wouldn't connect you with me.

They'd think you were some sad little showgirl

who'd come here and taken her own life.

SCREAMS

SADIE: Help me!

This is the police!

What's going on up there?

Who's up there?

Screaming won't save you.

When they pick up your body, I'll be back in the dressing room.

You're going over now.

SADIE SCREAMS

Take it easy, Mr Tanner. Let her go.

You stay back!

You stupid bitch!

SCREAMS

Right. Let's go. GROANS

CID are singing your praises, Younger.

It seems this Cortina was used as a getaway car in a bank robbery

in Sheffield just recently.

They gave it false plates and a phoney logbook

and then passed it onto a dodgy car dealer

who was to sell it onto some gullible mug punter.

Oh, nothing personal, lad, I'm just quoting CID.

They'll probably be able to cr*ck this robbery now we've got Marvin.

I intend to have a word with Peggy Armstrong

about her relationship with this car dealer.

How does it go, then? Would you buy a used car from this woman?

Not twice I wouldn't.

I didn't think I'd ever see you again, Annie.

You really had me scared, you daft man.

I love you, Annie.

You and the boys are everything to me.

Never leave us again, promise?

I promise.

I can't change my past, though.

With my record, life won't be easy.

I know but as long as we're honest with each other from now on.

Sadie Danvers admitted her part in your publicity hoax.

You'll both be charged with wasting police time.

You, however, Mr Tanner, will face much more serious charges.

That it should come to this, eh? I did the Royal Command performance.

I've shaken hands with the Queen.

I was a comedy legend.

I used to love Tommy's radio show.

It's disappointing sometimes when you find out

what people are really like.

I hope that doesn't include me.

It can't do. I'm yet to find out what you're really like.

Phew, that gives me a breathing space, then.

Sergeant Miller wants a word with me about Harry Marvin? Why?

Because he's a villain, Mrs Armstrong.

He's involved with some very unsavoury people.

Yeah, well, I hardly know him, do I, David?

I thought you knew him quite well.

You're always saying he's always giving you money,

if you get someone to buy a car off him.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Hark at him! Misunderstood me, as usual.

Yeah.

Drink up, big mouth, we're leaving.