15x04 - Mastermind

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss

♪ When my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Football Crazy' by Robin Hall and Jimmy MacGregor

♪ Oh, he's football crazy he's football mad

♪ And the football it has robbed him of the wee bit of sense he had

♪ It would take a dozen scallies his face to wash and scrub

♪ Since he became a member of that terrible football club... ♪

Hello, Doctor. What are you doing here, then?

I was passing. What's going on?

Well, they're training for the match.

It's the Ashfordly section against the Richmond lads.

- It's for a police charity. - Oh, I see.

♪ In the middle of the field at Hampden Park

♪ The captain says, "McGraw!

♪ "Would you kindly take this penalty kick

♪ Or we'll never win at all..." ♪

ALL CHEERING

PHIL: Right, come on. Let's call it a day, lads.

- I'll be going. - Aye.

I'll sort all this out.

ALF: Phil? Are we going for one, then?

Er... not tonight, Alf. Got to get back.

Make sure Miller still remembers

I've got to have time off for the game.

Oh, aye.

- Hiya. - Hello.

See you down the pub later, then.

That will be nice.

Can I sell you a ticket?

It's not exactly Liverpool and Everton, but it is in a good cause.

And these are two police teams, are they?

Well, between you and me, a bit of a grudge match, actually.

Well, I must say it is irresistibly attractive,

the thought of watching two teams of policemen

kicking each other to bits.

LAUGHS How much?

bob a ticket and that includes being taken there and back by coach,

and a hot-pot supper back here later.

Cheap at twice the price!

- And your name is? - Hallows. Albert Hallows.

Are you just visiting, are you?

No. I've just moved in.

Fairfield old folks' home, other side of the village.

Oh, I see.

So, er, how are the tickets going?

Well, not brilliant, to be honest.

A lot of people can't get off work even if it is half-day closing.

Apart from, I've been that busy behind the bar,

I haven't been able to push it much.

Well, look, if it would help,

I'll take the list and the tickets round the pub for you.

Oh, that would be great if you would.

Only make sure you get the money out of them first, will you?

Your wish is my command, dear lady.

Oh, ta.

No. I have a pen, thank you.

- Phil. - Geoff.

- How's your team shaping up? - Great, thanks, Geoff.

In fact, that lot from Richmond won't know what's hit them.

See, what you have to realise

is that basically soccer is a very simple game.

It's all about getting your team to do the simple things well.

- A word, Bellamy. - Yes, Sarge.

This soccer match of yours...

- Yes, Sarge. - It's on Wednesday, right?

Oh, yeah. You thinking of coming and watching us, are you, Sarge?

I shall be otherwise engaged, as indeed will you, probably.

Sarge?

You haven't forgotten you have to be at the assizes that day,

as arresting officer in the Martin Philips case.

Well, no, Sarge.

But it'll be in the morning, won't it?

We have to be there in the morning.

There's no guarantee it'll be o'er before lunch.

Sarge, I'm the coach. I have to be there.

Will you tell the judge that, or shall I?

Right.

OSCAR: David, if your face gets any longer

people will start tripping over it.

What the 'eck's the matter with you?

Got to go to court next Wednesday. That's what's the matter with me.

Ah. Why? What have you been up to now, then?

Nothing. No, I've been called up for that jury duty service thing.

I see.

In fact, I...

I was wondering.

You know, like, you being an ex-policeman, like?

Aye.

Just wondering if you knew any way that I could...

get out of it.

Point one, David, you can't.

And point two, if I knew how you could, I wouldn't tell you.

Cos I believe that anyone who's called up for jury service

is obligated to serve.

That's why they call it jury duty.

So, good luck.

I'm afraid that's the best I can do for you, my dear.

GASPS

Oh, you've done brilliant, Mr Hallows.

Thanks very much. Can I get you another drink? On the house.

No, no. I'd better get back.

Matron can get very cross if you're late rolling up for cocoa.

Might confine me to barracks.

- Oh, right. - See you again soon, dear.

- Right. See ya. Ta-ra. - Bye-bye.

So, what did he say?

Well, nothing much good.

Oh, well. Try and look on t'bright side.

- What bright side? - Well... Well, look.

They're going to give you some travel expenses.

I'm sure we can find a way of jacking 'em up a bit,

with a bit of creative accounting.

I didn't know you could play football.

Oh, I wouldn't put it as strongly as that.

I just happened to get roped into it by Phil, that's all.

Who sees himself as the next Alf Ramsey, by the way.

So are you going to come and watch?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Just as long as you're not expecting any Bobby Charltons out there.

PHONE DIAL WHIRRING

Mr Hallows! There you are.

Ah, Lottie.

You should be in bed, you naughty girl.

I wanted to watch the end of the horror film,

but I fell asleep halfway through.

Just as Bela Lugosi was about to sink his fangs into her.

Oh, how disappointing (!)

And what have you been up to tonight?

Oh, no good at all, dear lady. No good at all.

GIGGLES FLIRTATIOUSLY Mr Hallows, you are incorrigible!

- Good night, then. - Good night, dear lady.

Good night.

Er, good... good night.

See you in the morning!

Yes. See you in the morning. Good night.

SIGHS

And don't stay up too late.

No, I won't.

Chalkie, it's me.

Get the boys together. I've fixed up a good one for us,

a real Jaffa.

Yeah.

BERNIE: Cheerio. See you later.

You know, if you'd been born a few years ago,

you could make a fortune as an undertaker's mute.

It's all right for you, Mr Scripps!

You're not gonna be facing what I'll be facing this time tomorrow.

David, all you'll be facing is joining other people

to decide whether somebody's guilty or not,

not the electric chair!

So, you're, er... all alone in the world, my dear.

Since my husband died, yes.

And I do miss him so.

But at least he left me comfortably off, bless him.

In fact, between you and me, Mr Hallows,

MORE than comfortably.

Really.

And which bank did you say your late husband used?

Visitors for you, Mr Hallows.

Oh, here you are, gentlemen.

- Chalkie. - Prof.

- Cummins. - Hi.

Now, this is a very good friend of mine, Mrs Ferguson.

My business associates.

Do call me Lottie.

ALL MUMBLE: Lottie.

You must excuse us, my dear.

We have a very important business deal to discuss.

- But of course. - ALBERT: See you at tea.

I look forward to it.

So do I.

Out, out...

Hang on.

Huh! So, Lottie's your bit on the side, then, is she, Hallows?

Hardly. Most of the time she's away with the fairies.

But, having said that...

she is a wealthy widow with no-one to leave her money to.

Poor soul.

CHALKIE CHUCKLES Follow me.

By this time tomorrow it'll all be over, won't it?

BERNIE: Not necessarily.

How do you mean?

Well, some trials just go on and on and on and on, don't they?

I had a friend once on a jury and he didn't get away for nearly a month.

Really?!

Thanks, Bernie. We're trying to cheer him up.

You're about as helpful as a flat tyre at a funeral!

Well, he has to know the truth, Rosemary.

What if he turns up tomorrow and finds it is going to drag on?

"Expect the worst," I always say.

Then, when it happens, you won't get so much of a shock, will you?

Yeah, well. I suppose it's a well-known fact round here

that it's being so cheerful that keeps you going (!)

So, what's the gig this time, eh, Prof?

Patience, Chalkie. Patience, and all will be revealed.

Well, I hope it won't take all day. Cos the pubs'll be open soon.

Oh... It is a brilliant plan and, of course, very simple.

- Always is (!) - ALBERT: All right, Cummins.

The village of Aidensfield

which is just down the road,

will be practically a ghost village tomorrow for a couple of hours.

How come?

Because many of the residents will be attending a charity soccer match

a few miles away from here,

mounted, would you believe, by the local constabulary.

Leaving the place unguarded, their homes empty,

and ripe for picking.

But how do we know which homes?

Because, when I was selling tickets, Cummins,

I also acquired some of their addresses, that's how.

Oh, trust you, Prof.

Although I say it myself, Chalkie,

one of the secrets of my success,

my scrupulous attention to detail.

Right. Now, if you want to go and report in,

I'll go and find myself a cup of tea.

All right?

BELL TOLLING

Not been giving you any grief, have they, our kid?

Don't worry. We only stopped the once,

to give him a working over with the rubber hoses.

Didn't we, Martin?

Morning.

What, for a cup of tea? Go on, then.

- Guess who? - Oh!

LAUGHS

- Tel Philips! - Peggy, love, how are you?

I'll have another one of them.

Well, I can't see me entering for the Miss World contest ever again.

But apart from that! How are you?

I'm all right. Yeah.

Hey, I was sorry to hear about your mam.

Ah, well, at least she didn't suffer, eh?

I was really sorry not to get up for the funeral.

Oh, well, no sweat.

Anyway, what are you doing here, any road?

That is a long and unhappy story, Peg.

Oh...

Name?

David.

Er... Stockwell.

I'm... I'm here for jury service.

But there's something I want to tell you.

Tell me?

Yeah. You know when people are called for jury duty

but they don't always get picked to be on the actual jury, like?

Yes.

All I wanted to say was that if you're looking for volunteers

not to get picked,

well, I... I wouldn't mind.

You've already been elected to the jury in Court number one.

Now, kindly wait outside until you're called.

Right, I'll, er...

So...

What's your Martin up for?

Well, it's something and nowt, really.

The thing about our kid is he's always been easily led.

Well, that were always true!

Well, what happened was... It was all a bit of a dare, really.

You know there's a factory near where we live, right?

Right.

These other kids bet him that he couldn't break in.

You know our kid, he's never been one to duck a dare.

So he breaks in, and it's only a small window he broke,

and he sees this money, just lying around in one of the drawers.

So he picks it up. He wonders what it's doing there.

Next thing you know, security guard comes bursting in.

Well, I'm sure when the jury hears his side of the story

there'll let him off with a caution or summat.

Only it's not the first time he's been led astray, you see,

or even the second, for that matter. - Oh, I see.

You see, Peggy, he's not been the same lad since his mam died.

- Gutted he was. - Yeah, I'm sure he was.

- Sent him right off the rails. - Oh, poor lamb.

Hey! Now then, how've you gone on?

Well, I've been located to a jury in number one court.

Oh, well. Go and get yourself a cup of tea.

Make you feel a bit better.

He a friend of yours, is he?

Ha! No.

That's my nephew, David.

I, er...

I took him in, you know?

When he were left on his own.

Right, cos, er...

that's the court our Martin's case is coming up in.

Couldn't have a word with him, could you?

You know, get him to put a good word in for our kid.

MUSIC: 'I'll Be Creepin'' by Free

♪ Opportunity, babe

♪ Never knocks twice

♪ You're trying to fool me, baby

♪ Don't play around... ♪

PEGGY: You know, he never really stood a chance.

I mean, deserted by that father of his when he was still a bairn

and then losing his mother like that.

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

Not that you must let considerations like this

in any way affect your judgment, David.

I'm sure I'm the last person on Earth to suggest anything like that.

No, all I'm asking you to do is to take all these things into account

when reaching your decision.

After all, like Shakespeare always said,

"The quality of mercy is not strange." You know?

Oh, right. Yeah.

Whenever you're ready, Mr Stockwell.

If it isn't too inconvenient (!)

Oh, right. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'll, er...

All the best, then.

- Thanks. - And don't worry.

I'll be up there in the public gallery offering you moral support.

Right, I'll...

Gina!

MUSIC: 'I'll Be Creepin'' by Free

Gina, there's a telephone call for you.

- Oh, right. Thanks. - I'll do that.

LOTTIE: Is something wrong, Matron?

- It's gone. - What?

Our minibus.

It's gone!

Right. OK. Thanks. Ta-ra.

I don't believe it.

Er, why. What's up?

That was the brewery. Change of plan.

They're gonna deliver this afternoon.

- Someone's gonna have to be here. - That's a shame.

What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?!

Erm... Excuse me, Oscar,

shouldn't it be, "What are we gonna do?"

Surely you're not gonna leave me here to wait in

after all the organising I've done for the trip!

Well, I'm really sorry, Gina, but it is your name over the front door.

It's your responsibility. It's your problem.

I'm off to a football match.

- Oh, well, thanks a bunch! - Come on, you blues!

MUSIC: 'Woman' by Free

♪ Carry me away...

All right, lads.

♪ I know your angel eyes can see through me... ♪

PHONE RINGING

Ashfordly police.

This is Mrs Roberts, the matron of Fairfield Retirement Home.

Hello, Mrs Roberts. How can I help you?

Well, for starters, you could find out what's happened to our minibus.

- Your minibus? - Yes.

It seems to have disappeared.

From right outside our own front door, would you believe?

'I'm afraid we've got a bit of a problem, Mrs Roberts.'

'We're a bit shorthanded this afternoon.'

That, officer, is YOUR problem.

Mine is that I have elderly residents

expecting to go to the cinema this afternoon.

So spare me your excuses and get a police officer

over here immediately. Thank you.

I don't know about the rest of you,

but that seems pretty open and shut to me.

He admits breaking in.

He were caught red-handed with the stolen money on him.

So unless someone's got any other points to raise,

I suggest a quick show of hands.

Hang on, hang on.

So, those of you who think he's guilty as charged,

please raise your hands now.

Against?

Well, at last, Constable!

Yeah, I'm sorry, Mrs Roberts.

But I couldn't get here any quicker.

We are a bit overstretched at present.

So, where was this minibus parked?

Where it always is. Right there.

Right. And the vehicle was securely locked, was it?

Well, it's never been considered necessary to lock it.

I mean, ye gods! It's coming to something

when you can no longer park a minibus

outside an old people's home!

Yes.

Well, if you'd like to give me a few more detail...

MUSIC: 'Something In The Air' by Thunderclap Newman

Right, check your watches, gentlemen.

One-thirty.

I expect you back here in exactly one hour from now.

Here are your targets.

And remember, small is beautiful.

So we'll go for things that are portable.

Jewellery, that sort of thing. All right?

Come on. At the double.

♪ And you know it's right

♪ And you know that it's right

♪ We have got to get it together

♪ We have got to get it together now... ♪

PHONE RINGING

REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE AND CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CALLING ENCOURAGEMENT

MAN: Come on, lads.

ALL CALLING ENCOURAGEMENT

CLOCK CHIMES

So what precisely are you saying, Mr Stockwell?

That despite the fact he was found on the premises,

with the stolen money actually in his hands,

you're still not convinced he were guilty?

Oh, no, no, no. I never said that.

I mean, I'm sure he broke in, like.

And took the money.

What I'm saying is, you've got to remember what sort of life he's had.

I mean, you know, first of all his dad walking out on him like that.

And then, of course, him losing his mum last year.

I mean, he was right upset about that. I can tell you.

Just a minute.

Are you saying the defendant's known to you personally, Mr Stockwell?

No. Never met him.

It's me Auntie Peggy. She knows him well.

She used to baby-sit for him when he was little, like.

She's changed his nappy that often, and his big brother's.

In fact, she was just telling me...

DAVID: What?

LAUGHS

It's a mistrial, Sarge.

A mistrial?!

- Yes. - Why, for God's sake?

It seems one of the jurors knows the accused.

Which juror?

Guess.

CROWD CHEERING

ALF: Come on! Over this side, come on!

MUSIC: 'I'll Be Creepin'' by Free

♪ Ooh, I'll be creepin', baby

♪ I hold you in my arms

♪ Like nobody else

♪ When I know we're apart

♪ I won't take no less

♪ Take all your things and move far away

♪ Take all your furs and rings, baby

♪ But don't you sing hurray

♪ You can change your address

♪ But you won't get far

♪ Won't make no difference wherever you are

♪ Yeah

♪ Cos I'll be creepin', baby

♪ And I'll be creepin' round your door

♪ I'll hold you in my heart...

SPLASHING Hey!

♪ Like nobody else

♪ And when I know we're apart

♪ I won't take no less... ♪

CROWD CHEERING

- Keep hold of it. - Come on, you reds!

CROWD GASPING

CROWD NOISE

Send him off!

Come on!

MAN: Go on, Rob!

ALL CHEERING WHISTLE BLOWING

WHISTLE BLOWS

I'd like a word with you, laddie!

Oh?

I'd just like you to know that I for one

do not think you are as stupid as you look or as daft as you act.

In fact, it wouldn't surprise me that what went on in the jury room

just now was deliberately calculated.

So, know this,

that from now on I'm going to keep my beady eye on you.

And the minute you step one inch out of line,

that's ONE inch, I'm gonna have you.

Message received and understood?

And that does include what we've got in our pockets, Cummins.

Cummins.

So, any problems, anyone?

- Well, apart from... - What?

Oh, no. It all went like clockwork, Prof.

Just like you said.

Ah, planning, Chalkie. That's what its all about.

We'd never have beaten Adolf if it hadn't been for that.

Right, now, you all know the drill.

There's bound to be a bit of hue and cry,

when the police find out what's happened.

So I stash this in a certain safe place

until things calm down.

I then pass it over to my friendly fence.

I'll be in touch again and we'll split the proceeds.

- All right? - ALL: Right.

Let's get you back to the station in time for your train.

PHONE RINGS

Could you just hold on just for a moment? Thank you.

Ashfordly Police?

Right.

PHONE RINGS

And your address, sir?

Ashfordly Police?

What the blazes is going on?

It's Aidensfield, Sergeant. By the sounds of it,

somebody's gone through the place like a plague of locusts.

- PHIL: I know that. And your name? - OK.

♪ MUSIC: 'Money (That's What I Want)' by The Searchers

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ Well, you can give that to the birds and bees

♪ But give me money (That's what I want)

♪ That's what I want (That's what I want)

♪ That's what I want that's what I want

♪ (That's what I want)

♪ Your lovin' gives me such a thrill

♪ But your kissin' don't pay no bills

♪ So, give me money (That's what I want)

♪ That's what I want... ♪

- It's another one, Sarge. - Making eight so far, right?

ROB: Better make that nine, Sarge. They hit the police house as well.

- Was anything taken? - A few odds and ends.

- Plus one pair of handcuffs. - Oh, very comical!

PHONE RINGS Ashfordly Police.

Yes. Erm...

Look, could you just hold the line a moment please.

It's the news desk at the Yorkshire Post.

They want to know if it's true that out of all the houses burgled

in Aidensfield, one of them was the police house.

And that one of the items taken was a pair of police handcuffs.

Ask them where they got that from.

Could you tell us who told you that, please?

- Ashfordly Police. - Could you hold on a moment?

Erm... He refused to give a name.

Tell them, "No comment."

It's Division, Sergeant. Chief Superintendent Midgley.

Yes, sir.

Oh, they've got onto you as well, have they?

And the Daily Mirror.

Well, I would imagine it was the burglar himself, sir.

Obviously a bit of a comedian.

What? No!

You have to be joking!

David, you'll never guess what's been going on!

What?

This afternoon half the houses in the village have been burgled!

They don't think I had owt to do with it, do they?

Oh, don't be so daft. Well, don't just sit there!

We've got to go down the pub and find out what the latest is.

Er... No, I don't think I'll bother today. Thanks.

But you always go down the pub about this time.

Yeah, well... today I just don't feel like it. OK?

Sorry. I've, er... I've got a bit of a bad head.

I think I'll go for a lie down.

Point one, for all these houses to have been done at one go

means there was a g*ng involved.

A g*ng that knew all about the football match

and that a lot of people would be away from home

for a couple of hours.

Which would suggest it was a local mob, wouldn't it, Sergeant?

No. I don't think so.

After all, Aidensfield isn't exactly knee deep in criminal gangs, is it?

But as Rob says, somebody with local knowledge certainly.

Get on to Scenes of Crimes.

I want dabs for each of the houses that have been done.

Then get over to Aidensfield

and talk to anybody who WASN'T at the match,

see if anybody heard or saw anything suspicious.

Yes, Sarge.

Now, this match was organised out of the Aidensfield Arms, wasn't it?

Yes. That's right, Sarge.

You better get over there and have a word with Oscar

and anybody else that might have been involved.

Sarge!

I've, er, just had Mrs Roberts on the phone,

from the old folks home.

- That minibus that was nicked. - Well?

Well, it's suddenly turned up there again, good as new.

So, who exactly had access to this list?

Anyone who came into the pub, really.

It's been lying on the bar for nearly a week.

And they were asked to give their addresses, were they?

Oh, that was Mr Hallows' idea,

in case there was a last-minute change of plan or anything.

Who's Mr Hallows when he's at home?

He just someone who's been coming in here recently.

He lives up at the old folks home off Ashfordly Road.

Eh, what's it called?

Fairfield.

And what's his involvement in a police charity football match?

Well, none really. Except one night he volunteered

to take the list round the pub, drum up a bit more support, like.

He's a nice old chap, very polite.

Did he go on the trip? I don't see his name down here.

Well, he was supposed to be.

OSCAR: I don't remember seeing him.

Nor me.

Really?

Oh, come on, Rob.

You can't really believe he's got anything to do with this.

A nice old man like that.

You'd be amazed, Gina,

what nice old men get up to sometimes.

So, nobody saw the vehicle return, then?

I'm afraid not. No.

Afternoon, Mrs Roberts.

And good afternoon to you, Constable.

Although I wouldn't have thought this little incident of ours

merited quite so much police attention.

After all, we have got it back.

It was actually one of your residents

I came to have a word with. A Mr Hallows.

Oh. I believe he's up in his room.

He usually is at this time.

If you'd care to follow me.

TOILET FLUSHING

DOOR OPENS

Sorry about that.

I take it you heard about the burglaries in Aidensfield earlier.

Yes. Shocking business.

I tell you, Constable, the way the world is going,

when my time comes to leave I won't be all that sorry.

What is the youth of this country coming to, eh?

Well, we don't know that it was youths, actually, Mr Hallows.

All we can say with any certainty is that burglaries were timed

to coincide with the football match this afternoon.

You mean whoever did it

knew those homes would be empty for the whole afternoon

and targeted them accordingly? - Right.

Well, ingenious, I must say.

In fact, ingenious to the point of genius, you might say.

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

In fact, Gina down the pub tells me

you were meant to be on that trip yourself.

Yes. That's right. I was.

How come you didn't go?

All down to my legs, I'm afraid.

Your legs?

Yes. There I was lying on my bed listening to Delius,

when I suddenly thought, "Do I really want to spend two hours

on a muddy touchline on my poor old pegs watching a football match?"

Suddenly, it didn't seem a very pleasing prospect.

Are you from round here, Mr Hallows?

Er, no. Leeds.

So what made you decide to move over here?

Well, when you get to my age it's quite difficult to cope on your own.

I'd always intended to move to a small village somewhere.

I think you get a better kind of person in a village.

Right.

Anything?

Ah, just one thing, I suppose.

Well?

I just get this funny feeling that he's laughing at us.

Do us a favour, will you? Get on the blower to Leeds police

and ask them if the name Hallows means anything to them.

Right.

You'll have to have a word with our David, Bernie.

I mean, he won't venture outside the house

in case the police grab him!

Well, you're not surprised, are you?

After his shenanigans in that jury room,

he's lucky he's not been done for contempt of court.

All he needs is for somebody to drill some sense into him.

So get drilling!

Oh, Bernie!

The way I see it is you got him into this mess,

you get him out of it.

Oh...

Oh, all right. Where is he?

He's probably hiding in one of the wardrobes, I should think.

SIGHS

"Albert Hallows. Age ."

And from the sound of it, the oldest recidivist in the business.

Oh, aye?

Armed robbery, jewellery theft, burglary.

You name it, he's done it.

And he's been done for it.

Oh, also known as the Prof,

by the various gangs he's led in the past.

- The Prof. - Yeah.

Thinks of himself as some sort of criminal mastermind.

Which, by the sound of it, has been his downfall.

How come?

Well, the jobs that he's drafted

are usually so complicated they inevitably go wrong.

I reckon we should have that minibus out there dusted for dabs.

It seems a bit of a coincidence that it goes missing

a couple of hours before the burglaries

and then gets returned the same afternoon.

After all, if Hallows is our man

at his age he'd have needed some sort of transport

to get him there and back.

Oh.

Oh.

Er... Where were you between one o'clock

and five o'clock yesterday afternoon, Mr Hallows?

I told you. I was lying on my bed.

Can anyone confirm that?

Well, there was just the two of us. Delius and me.

Delius who?

You've quite a criminal record, haven't you, Mr Hallows?

Oh, that's a long time ago, Constable.

You're looking at a man who's made his peace with God and society.

PHIL: Not that long ago, according to Leeds Police.

They reckon you see yourself

as Yorkshire's answer to Professor Moriarty.

P... M-M-Moriar...? I'm sorry. I don't know the gentleman.

Mind you, he really was a criminal mastermind, wasn't he?

Come on, what was all that about yesterday, your last bow?

I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Good. Then you've no objection to us searching your room, then.

Unless, of course, you'd like us to get a warrant.

No. Feel free, my dear fellow.

You won't find anything.

Whatever it is you're looking for.

I'd like a word.

We've been through his room with a fine tooth-comb, Sarge.

No sign of any of the missing stuff at all. Over.

'It could be that the loot wasn't taken back to Fairfield.'

But where better to hide stolen property than an old folks' home?

'What about Scenes of Crimes? Have they come up with

any dabs on the minibus? Over.'

Anything?

No. Couldn't find any fingerprints.

Clean as a whistle.

Er, no, Sarge.

Which means they've obviously wiped it clean. Over.

Have a word with Mrs Roberts.

I think it's time you searched the rest of the premises.

My nephew David is in dead trouble

because of speaking up for your little brother.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that, Peg.

Not as sorry as you're going to be if something isn't done about it.

Threats now, is it?

Promises.

So you've no objection to us having a sniff round the place, then?

Not at all. If you'd like to follow me.

Thank you, Matron.

Look, Peg, I'm sorry for the poor kid's trouble.

But what can I do about it, eh?

You can have a word with your little brother and get him to plead guilty.

Now you really have got to be joking.

Look, Tel, love, I were in court an' all, remember.

There's not a jury in the land will find him not guilty.

Whereas, if he were to plead guilty, well.

Maybe the judge might feel inclined to be a bit more lenient.

And he may just get away with

nothing more than a suspended sentence.

Peg, us Philips plead not guilty on principle.

Oh, dear.

Looks like you'll be going down in his place, then.

Come again?

Well, come on, Tel!

Thieving is one thing, but tampering with a juror

is quite another, isn't it?

But I haven't tampered with anybody.

Ah, but will the police believe that?

Especially when I tell them that you put David up to it.

In fact, threatened what you'd do to him if he didn't co-operate.

You wouldn't dare.

Try me.

Well, did you find anything?

'Fraid not.

Far be it from me to say, "I told you so."

But I did tell you so.

Are you sure that's the lot, Mrs Roberts?

Well, apart from Mrs Ferguson.

But I really must draw the line at your entering her bedroom.

She's taking a nap.

Waking up to the sight of young men in uniforms

would frighten her half to death. - Matron!

Oh, Mrs Ferguson. I thought you were sleeping.

- These young... - Sleeping? If only!

That bed of mine is usually the most comfortable one in the entire place.

But now it's a solid as a rock.

Really?

How long has it been like that, Mrs Ferguson?

Well, since this afternoon.

And it was perfectly all right this morning.

Is that so?

Tell you what, love. Why don't we take a look at it for you?

See if there's anything we can do about it.

Care to join us, Mr Hallows?

I think that might be what was giving you some gyp, Mrs Ferguson.

Oh!

I've never seen it before in my life.

Course not (!)

Any more than it was you who stole that minibus, right?

I couldn't help noticing your people dusting it for dabs.

I'm sure they didn't find any of mine on it.

We didn't find anybody's prints on it.

Somebody had wiped it clean.

This villain of yours, whoever he is...

looks a bit too clever for you lot.

- Too clever by half, I'd say. - Oh?

Well, when he wiped the minibus clean,

he was obviously wearing gloves.

Do you happen to possess a pair of gloves, Mr Hallows?

I'm sure I have a pair somewhere.

Was he still wearing the gloves

when he stuck the suitcase underneath Mrs Ferguson's bed?

Because if he wasn't,

our Scene of Crime officers are gonna have a field day

with this bit of evidence, aren't they, Mr Hallows?

- Ah. - Ah.

I think maybe we should discuss this down at the station,

don't you?

ROB: So, whenever you're ready, Prof.

You did a great job, lads.

- Congratulations. Cheers! - ALL: Cheers!

Thank you, Oscar.

And star of the match as well, Rob.

Well, I happened to be in the right place at the right time.

And as for that dive in the penalty area,

that was pure Oscar-winning material!

Do you mind?! Cheek!

ALF WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY

So, you finally decided to risk it and come out again, then, have you?

Ah, yeah. Well, Aunt Peggy said that that bloke had confessed.

The police are all dead chuffed.

Whatever made him do that, I wonder.

Probably couldn't live with his conscience a moment longer.

Er... Rob, telephone call, it's a Mr Revie.

(It's Don Revie.)

Yes, er, he wants to know if you can play for them on Saturday

against the Arsenal.

ALL LAUGH

Very good. Very good.

Thank you!