12x03 - Friend

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

This programme contains
adult humour.

Elsie's on a playdate with me,
not you.

I've told you,
you can have a go when I b*at her.

It's - .

Do you know the story about
the tortoise and the hare?

Yeah, the tortoise
was very old and shaky,

so the hare k*lled him and ate him.

Yeah, all right, Linda Blair.

Eat it!

BANGING AT DOOR

- .

Lee, can you get that?
It'll be Elsie's mum.

Me?

I don't do mums.

Is that your profile on Match.com?

KNOCKING CONTINUES
Please. I don't really know her.

Well, I hardly know her.

She's just a person I know
casually from the playground.

Thanks.
I hate all that awkward small talk.

Doesn't have to be awkward.

Hello, Jane.

It's Kirsty.

Kirsty. Sorry.

Well, that was mortifying.

Why is it always me that has
to deal with other parents?

Because I don't know them. You do.

Exactly. When I do school pick-up,
I talk to them.

You just stand in
the corner staring at your phone.

If God had wanted us
to talk to each other,

he wouldn't have
invented Candy Crush.

Can't stand all that small talk.
Hot today, isn't it?

Cold today, isn't it?

Volcanic ash blocking
the sunlight leading

to crop growth issues and mass
starvation today, isn't it?

What are you doing?
I'm deleting Candy Crush.

You can have it back
when you start making an effort

with some of the parents.

Have you forgotten
I'm a fully-functioning adult? No.

Have you remembered?

I'm only talking about having
an occasional chat.

Who knows, maybe even go crazy

and have a cup of coffee
with one of them once in a while.

Coffee?
Why don't I go the whole hog,

kiss them on the lips
and cup their balls?

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.

Huh.

Ha, ha.

Ah.

Ha.

Ah, yeah, yeah.

Hot today, isn't it?

Probably all the layers
we're wearing.

Which is fair enough because...

..it's cold today, isn't it?

At least there's no volcanic ash.

So, yeah...

CHATTING CONTINUES.

LEE EXHALES.

Ooh.

Cold today, isn't it?

Very cold.

Picking up?

Yeah. You?

Yeah. I am. Yup.

Picking up the kids.

Oh, never ends, does it? What?

Picking up the kids.

First time I've done it.

LAUGHTER.

Ooh, what they like?

Who?

Women.

Those women? Yeah.

Don't know. Never met them.

My wife reckons that
blokes don't talk enough.

What does she know?

Ooh, yeah, it's definitely...

..coffee weather today, isn't it?

Yeah.

I might go for one later,
actually, about four o'clock.

Ah. If I can, uh, escape
from the family.

I like the, uh,

the one in Neville Street,
you know that one?

Yeah, I don't really
like the chains.

Me neither, but, uh,

she sometimes unlocks them
and lets me go.

They do those, uh, hot chocolates?

Yeah.

With those little marshmallows?

Loads of them.

I don't really like
those marshmallows.

I think if you're quick,
you can intervene.

I might actually be in
the area myself, uh, around then.

Right.
Yeah. Ha.

It's cold today, isn't it?

Oh, well done.

You're going to have such
a lovely time

with your new friend.
What are you going to talk about?

Oh, we probably won't talk,

we'll just play conkers
and swap Pokemon stickers.

Look, this is stupid.

I've got loads of friends,
I don't need any more.

Like who?

Toby.

You know Toby's singular,
don't you?

Hm, he wishes.

Go on, who else?

Bob from a few doors down.

You mean the one that
keeps calling you Mark?

Yeah.
His name's Bill.

Come on. Any more friends?

You.

That's so...

..sad.

Look, I don't want to go.

Look, I'm only asking you to get
to know one of them.

Just say hello and, if it doesn't
work out, that's fine.

At least you'll have tried
and I'll stop pestering you.

Deal?
All right. Deal.

Anything that stops you
treating me like a child.

Can I have some money, please?

Sorry, I forgot
to say no marshmallows.

It's all right.
I'll take them home for my daughter.

Not easy getting these
little buggers out.

Lucky in my job you learn
to have patience.

So what do you do?

I push the smaller ones
to the side of the cup...

..and then let them fall
onto the stick.

I mean what's your job?

Oh. Taxi driver. Speedy Cabs.

I know, it's a boring name,
isn't it?

I wanted to go for AAA Cabs
cos you get at

the start of the phone book,

but somebody already had AAAA Cabs.

So I was going to make mine
AAAAA Cabs.

But then he found out,
so he made his AAAAAA Cabs.

So I was going to make mine
AAAAAAA Cabs.

But I couldn't fit it
on the side of the car.

I was even considering
a stretch limo.

So...

..do you like being a taxi driver?

Yeah, mostly.

It's got its ups and downs.

What are the ups?

I like chatting to people.

What are the downs?

When they start chatting back.

They always say the same things,
like, "Have you been busy?"

And, "Can you keep your dog
in the front with you?"

And, "Let me out, I'd rather walk."

Wooden sticks, eh?

They're making a comeback.

It's all a lie, I reckon.

What is? Plastic in the sea.

Yeah. I read online that

the only reason they're phasing out
plastic is cos

the Government know that eventually
we'll work out how

to make weaponry with it, and then
we'll start our revolution.

You read that online?

Well, not so much read it,
more, you know, wrote it.

Well?

Oh, I had the time of my life.

I particularly enjoyed
the chat about

the practical uses
of carpet off-cuts.

Who knew that the inside
of a wardrobe

could be made more comfortable?

Not good then? Well,
you just got unlucky with this guy.

Next time you meet a parent...

Oh, no chance.
There's not going to be a next time.

I went for a coffee,
it didn't work out. End of.

That was the agreement.

TV PLAYS.

Melissa McKendrick's husband
knocks down houses for a living.

And?

Well, he might like Jenga.

OK, forget it.

No more coffees.

But can you please make some effort
to open up a bit

in the playground?

You don't want to be one of those
dads. I bet some of them

don't even know the name
of their daughter's teacher.

Wankers!

Who's his wife, by the way?

How do you mean?

The dad you met today.

If you're not going to meet him for
a coffee ever again, I need to make

more of an effort with his wife
so it's not awkward.

What's her name?

I don't know.
Well, didn't you ask?

What was I supposed to say?
"Hello, what's your wife's name?"

Yes, that is literally
what you should've said.

I should've sat him in a chair,
shone a bright light in his face,

and whipped his genitals
with an electric cable.

Did he not offer up a name
when you mentioned me?

You did mention me, right?

That's more of
a second date chat thing.

Fine. What's his child called?

I was having a coffee, I wasn't
interviewing him at immigration.

He didn't ask my child's name.

Thank God. Do you know it?

What the hell is up with men?
I tell you what's up with men.

We have seen what happens
to women.

Starts off with, "How are you?"
And before you know it,

it's, "How are you feeling?"
It's a slippery slope.

Great. Looks like I have to
find out who his wife is myself.

What's his name?

You have got to be kidding me!

You met someone for a coffee
and you didn't even ask their name?

I've slept with someone
and didn't ask their name.

Did you? It was years ago
and she didn't speak English,

so we... we just got on with it.

I don't want to know.

You're going for another coffee,

and you're finding out
who the hell he is.

No chance. No more coffees,
that's what you said.

I am not spending the next few
months worrying about whose husband

you've rejected. You're going
to meet him again tomorrow

and you're finding out some names.

Mine's Lucy, by the way.

Oh, by the way, this
Melissa McKendrick character.

What does she like to drink?
No idea.

My fella - hot chocolate,
no mini marshmallows.

You women need to learn
to open up a little bit.

I'm sorry, I definitely said
no marshmallows this time.

It's fine. I'm pretending they're
little drowning sailors

and I'm God.

I was quite surprised
to get your text.

Two meetups in two days. Mm.

It's quite unusual for me.

I sometimes find people can be

a bit peculiar,
to be honest with you.

Talking of, uh, peculiar,
I never even asked your name.

Keith.

Lee. No, Keith.

And, what's... what's
your wife called?

Pauline.

So...

..so how did you two meet?

At the abattoir.

Is that some sort of
trendy nightclub?

No, it's a place where
they k*ll animals.

Pauline used to work there

and I was dropping some stuff off
in my cab.

Oh, she...

..oh, she immediately caught my eye.

I was transfixed by
the way she could hold

a pig carcass in one hand,
and two sheep's head in the other,

but still somehow managed to wipe
the sweat from her neck. Cor!

Beautiful.

It hasn't always been
that romantic though.

Especially recently.

She lost her job.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, that's all right,
it was her own fault.

She was getting a bit trigger happy
with the stun g*n.

So we're spending more time
together, you know.

Maybe too much time.

So how many kids you got?

Ah, just the one daughter, Alice.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, the name was
my wife's idea. Yeah.

She loves Alice Cooper.

And Iron Maiden.

Yeah, when she used to take little
Alice to work, she used to get

the lads to sing Bring Your Daughter
To The Slaughter.

Quite cute, really.

This is Alice.

Ooh.

And have you got any other
not visiting the abattoir?

Yeah, sorry.
I keep meaning to crop that, yeah.

Make it easier on the eye.

Cor, it does spurt though,
doesn't it?

Let me find you one
of Pauline instead.

Oh, don't worry.
I can very much picture Pauline.

Actually, I think I've deleted
all the ones of Pauline.

Things that bad, eh?

I'm starting to wonder if it's worth
battling on, to be honest.

The conversations are
so strained and awkward between us,

it's like we hardly
know each other.

Well, I'm happy to call it a day
if that's what you want.

No, between me and Pauline.

Oh.

We had so many good years
together, but...

..it's changed now.

I keep... keep asking myself,

what am I getting
out of this relationship?

God.

I don't even get any free
pigs' trotters any more.

I did say no marshmallows.

Well?

Well, I asked him more
personal stuff like you said,

but he wasn't just ready to open up,
he was ready to burst.

I tell you, if he'd have been a d*ke
and I was a little Dutch boy,

I'd have stuck my finger in him.

Do you have any idea how
embarrassing this is

going to be for me now when
I see him in the playground?

Why, DID you offer
to stick your finger in him?

So come on, then. Who's his wife?
Who do I have to make

very awkward small talk
with for the next few months?

Pauline.

Pauline? I don't know a Pauline.

Any idea what she looks like?

No, but at a guess,
I'd say very broad shoulders

and the look of a woman who's
recently k*lled for fun.

His daughter's called Alice.

What does she look like?
Well, in the photo I saw,

like Sissy Spacek in
the prom scene from Carrie.

There isn't an Alice
in Mollie's class.

Maybe she's in a different class.

Well, then why wasn't he waiting
outside a different classroom
to pick her up then?

Are you suggesting that he's not
actually one of the parents

and he's just some random dodgy
bloke who was hanging around

a children's playground?

Yes.

Ooh, that is brilliant!

What? Well, that solves everything,
doesn't it?

I won't have to see him again.

Cold today, isn't it?

You dropped your driver's licence
in the coffee shop.

Oh, right.

It's got your address on it,
so I thought I'd pop it around.

Oh. Well, thanks for that.

Don't want to lose all
the points I've collected on this.

So, you must be Pauline's husband?

Yeah.

Are you Jackie from
Brains and Offal?

Pauline used to work at an abattoir.

Oh, right. Funny,

I don't remember ever meeting anyone
called Pauline in the playground.

Well, you wouldn't have.
She never been there.

So who picks Alice up?

Well, she usually gets her own way
home. It's only six miles.

She walks for six miles?

No, course not.

She's on a scooter.

Oh. I bet one of her legs is much
thicker than the other.

I don't think I've ever met
your daughter Alice.

Well, why would you?

Because I'm there most days.

I'm assuming you mean
Greggs the pie shop?

I beg your pardon?

Leave it out, mate.
She's got a bit of water retention.

Greggs is where Alice works.

Greggs employs children?

She's .

So why were you in
the playground the day I met you?

Yeah. Why were you there?

I was booked in my cab
to pick up a parent and her kids.

He thought you were a dad.

And she thought you
were a... dad as well.

Anyway,
thanks for bringing this round.

I was going to pop it through
the door,

but I wanted to see you quickly.

It all got a bit weird in
the coffee shop, didn't it?

Ah, it's fine. Whatevs.

Coolio Iglesias.

I slightly overshared
with your husband. Huh. TMI. Huh.

Too much itching?

Too much information.

How do you know about the itching?

It's good to let it out
now and again.

Get some air on it, you mean?

Would you like a drink?

Oh, actually, uh,
I didn't realise the time.

I better go.
I promised the wife a shopping trip.

Well, more of a heart-to-heart,
to be honest.

Oh. Anywhere nice?

Smithfield Meat Market.

Lovely.

Why don't you two meet up again
for a coffee some time?

You're free tomorrow,
aren't you, Lee?

Actually, you know what, I'm not,

because I'm going to...

..the Orkneys.

Scotland?

Yeah, I'll probably go there
as well.

And remind me what you're doing
there again.

I've got an online...

..Orkney Island woollen turtleneck
sweater shop.

But, come on, you know that.

Well, can't do tomorrow anyway.
Not free,

I've got loads of bookings.
Yeah, talking of which,

I'd better go.
I've got a doctor in the cab

and he keeps banging on about it
being an emergency. See ya.

He couldn't have been that bad.

I'll tell you how bad he was.
He made me hanker for you.

Anyway, it's over now.
From now on, it's just me and you.

I am welling up.

You're no different. How many other
friends do you go for coffee with?

Just a couple of medics at work.

Some of the guys down
the squash club.

The whole cricket team.

Where do you go?

Here.
Here?

This is our place.

I know,

but they have to let other people
in occasionally.

Despite your infrequent purchase
of a blueberry muffin,

the shareholders were nervous.

All right?

Hello.

I thought you were in
the Orkneys today.

Word is Orkney turtlenecks
are very yesterday.

From now on,
it's Aberystwyth for ponchos.

I thought you were... thought you
were working all day today.

I am. Yeah, I was just passing by,

I saw you through the window.

So I pulled over and told my
passenger she'd have to walk.

I've just ordered
an iced chocolate frappuccino.

It's, uh, it's good
to mix things up a bit.

But I've asked them to warm it up
in the microwave for me.

Using that stool, mate?

The one I'm sitting on?

Yeah.

Just keeping it warm for you.

Don't do that, it's disgusting.

See you in a sec.

Don't you think it's time you had an
honest conversation with him?

What?
I mean, I know it's awkward,

but, in these situations, it is best
to be brutally honest.

Just tell him you don't want
to see him any more.

Just do it now.

Actually I'm glad I've seen you,

cos there's something I wanted to,
to talk to you about.

Yeah, me too.
That's why I stopped the cab.

I want to start by saying thanks.

What for?

Our chat the other day.
After I left you,

I went for that heart to heart
with Pauline in the meat market.

Oh, it was fantastic.

We came back with a clear vision
of what we both wanted,

and two pounds of ox tongue.

And, that night,
while we were boiling it

and shallow frying
the pigs cheeks for the faggots,

do you know what we did?

Opened a window?

No. We made love.

Well, if the aroma of
a pig's face frying

on the hob doesn't rekindle
the magic, I don't know what does.

That's the first time
we'd had sex in...

Years?

The kitchen.

But do you know what
the best bit was? No!

Have a guess.

Was it the...

..feeling of the...

..the cold worktop against your...?

No.

We held each other afterwards.

For ages.

That's the first time
we've done that in...

The kitchen.

Years.

So what is it you wanted to say?

Look, the thing is,

I wasn't being completely honest
before about the Orkneys.

It was pretty obvious.

Was it?
Yeah, course. Yeah.

It's clear one of us is more into
this friendship than the other.

But when I first met you
in the playground,

you asked me for a coffee,

and the next day you asked me
for another coffee,

and then you accidentally
leave your driving licence

so I have to pop it round,

and then you get your wife

to set us up on another coffee.

And, to top it all off,

you cancelled an important
business trip in the Orkneys

on the off-chance
I'd turn up here again.

I'm sorry, but in these situations,

I think you have to be
brutally honest.

I'm just not taking on
new friends at the moment.

Sorry, you're dumping ME?

Shh.

Just because I don't want to get to
know you

doesn't mean other people won't.

What about that bloke you
were chatting with? He seems OK.

Or was he just some poor sod
you randomly started talking to

like you did with me?

He's my friend. Yeah, sure.

Don't worry, you'll find
a friend eventually.

But can I give you a bit of advice?

Try and work on your
small talk a bit.

I find some of the things
you say a little bit odd.

It's cold out, isn't it?

Oh, sod off!

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪