11x02 - Pub Quiz

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

HUBBUB

I can't believe how much this pub
has changed.

I might be wrong,
but isn't that the exact spot

where I asked you to be my wife?

It's a totally different shape
to what it used to be.

Yeah,
but you're great with the kids.

Look at me and smile.

I can't do both.

Sorry, a quick reminder,
all phones need to be put away.

Oh, sorry.

Are you sure that this is what you
wanted to do

on our tenth wedding anniversary -
a pub quiz?

Yeah, I told you, I just want
a relaxing and casual night.

Relaxing? With Anna and Toby?

Promise me we'll never end up
like those two.

We won't.

We'll divorce
long before it gets that bad.

Are you still writing
for Clinton Cards?

Oh, for God's sake, Toby,
we're late again.

Who still uses an A-Z?

Research suggests that using
navigation apps

increases the risk of dementia.

Really?

I make a point of using Google Maps,
but it's no good -

I still keep remembering
we're married.

BOTH: Happy anniversary!

Are we quorate?

If that's the team name you're
suggesting, we've already got one.

Quiz De Burgh. Oh, actually, no,

apparently
Quiz De Burgh's already been taken.

Aw, who by?

Um, I don't know, that lady in red?

Well, let's go with Quorate, then.
Whatever that means.

Oh, that wasn't a team name
suggestion.

Quorate is Latin - it means
enough people to begin proceedings.

That is why we're going to win,
with our secret w*apon, Toby.

Why's Toby the secret w*apon?

Yeah, what about me?

Well, and you as well, of course,
Anna.

Toby is the secret w*apon,

but you're more
of an obvious w*apon, like a...

w*apon of mass destruction.

Just because he's a doctor,

everyone assumes he's the brains
in the relationship.

It's infuriating.

I think you're both equally
going to win this for us.

Both? What am I?
Just the eye candy?

I always b*at him
at Trivial Pursuit, you know.

Tell her.

Tell her what? That I always
b*at you at Trivial Pursuit.

You have literally just told her.

I'm sure she remembers.

Even without the piercing eyes.

The two of you are going to be
our secret w*apon.

Can you actually see me?

Sorry, yes, and you are also
our secret w*apon.

Like a...

I don't know,
something unexpected and deadly.

Like a silent fart.

I am just as clever as you lot,
you know.

What, even the great Dr Toby?

I'm sorry if I offended you, Anna.

And what about me, do I get
an apology? What for?

For calling me thick.
I DIDN'T call you thick.

You didn't need to call me thick,
it's obvious.

Do you need me in this conversation?

I don't know, do you need me
in this team?

Course.

Yes, the Beatles wouldn't have been
the Beatles without Ringo.

Ohhh, get a room.

A little library room
full of books about Latin.

Just the two of you,
it'd be a nice, little quorate.

Quorum.

Quorate is the adjective,
quorum is the noun.

Oh, BLEEP off.

And why is it just the two of them,
Lee?

Why am I not allowed in this library
of cleverness? Oh, I see, so you're

bothered by your own absence, but
mine makes complete sense, does it?

Go where you like.
It's YOUR bloody library.

Thank you very much.
If you need me,

I'll be in the children's section,
with a copy

of Peter And Jane Go To The Beach.
Won't be reading it,
I'll be licking it.

That's not funny.
YOU said it!

I am much cleverer than you, Lucy,

you... bimbo.

I beg your pardon?!

Oh, sorry, do you not understand
English?

Toby, could you translate it for her
into Latin?

Ego melor...

Oh, shut it!

You're not cleverer than me.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

Where are you going?

To be my own team. Team Lee.

Then we'll find out
who's the stupid one.

Yeah, the person sitting at a table
alone on his wedding anniversary.

It's not a fair contest
if it's three against one, Lee.

It will be if I join him.

Makes sense.

The best and the worst against
the middle two.

And who says you're number one
and I'm number two?

Oh, I see, so I'm automatically
number three, is that it?

And yet not a single debate
about number four.

Well, I'm certainly not number four.

Why? Why can't YOU be number four?

You know.

Oh, I see.

Right, well, if I'm definitely
number four

and I go with number one,
it would be a fair contest.

Agreed?
Agreed.

Right.

The question is,
who do you want on your team, Lee?

Who's number one?

Oh, what are you waiting for, Toby,
you moron? Come on.

Sit down!

That is SO rude.

I'M number one, and that is why
I am going with Thicko.

And don't forget, tonight you're
playing for the grand prize of...

..a yard of Twix.

Ooh, that'll save me
a trip to the airport.

I don't care about actually winning.

As long as I b*at Toby,
I will personally buy you

a metre of Twix,

and that's even longer than a yard.

I know I'm being patronised,
but can I have this in writing?

Don't worry,
I don't care about winning either.

I just want to b*at Lucy.

Good. Do you know
HOW we are going to b*at them?

Teamwork.

Yes. Teamwork.

I'm going to give you
all the answers,

and you're going to write them down.

And I do not want to lose points
because of your spelling.

You really are a condescending cnut.

Right, everyone, here we go.
Round One, question one.

The lateral epicondyle bone
can be found

in which part of the human body?

Nice, easy question to start.

Exactly!

I know it, I just can't remember
how to spell it.

L-E-G?

Maybe you should just write
the answers.

Oh, for God's sake, biology -
Toby's bound to know this.

Put fingers.

Is it fingers?

I've no idea, but there's
loads of bones in there.

Well, on that basis,
I could put the British Museum

or Dewson's the family butchers.

I'll put fingers.

Question two is on sport.

Yes!

The sport in question is badminton.

Oh, for f...

Badminton isn't a sport.

It's a hobby for middle-class people
who are too weak to play tennis.

Bloody hell.

Toby LOVES badminton.

QUIZMASTER: When playing a singles
or doubles game in badminton,

how many points do you need to win?

Are you sure?

I play badminton every week.
I love it.

And I love YOU, Toby.

Please don't show me any affection.

It'll throw me.

Lee won't know this.

I bet he thinks the question
is about the game you play with

shuttlecocks and a racquet.

It is.

Oh, I thought it meant
the horse trials.

How can that be doubles?

You can fit two people on a horse.

They're massive.

Question three coming up.

What should I put? Four. Four?!

It'll be more than that to win
a game of badminton.

Is it? Well... put .

It won't be THAT much. OK.

Five.
Should I just put "fingers" again?

Look, we're going to get hammered.
No, we're not!

Toby's been lucky with the first
two, but it can't go on like this.

In Latin...
Oh, for God's sake.

Right, once my glamorous assistants
have finished collecting

the answer sheets, I'll go through
the answers for Round One.

I reckon we got all ten.

And when I say "we",
I do of course mean you.

It was a team effort.

You got the one on Celebrity Juice.

That's Lee's favourite programme,
not mine.

He thinks if he watches Keith Lemon,
it counts towards his five-a-day.

Well, THAT went well.

What kind of quiz asks questions
that I don't know the answer to?

It's just someone talking,
and me having to listen.

I appreciate that must be
new territory for you.

OK, all your papers are in,
so here are the answers.

Question one - the lateral
epicondyle bone

can be found in which part
of the human body?

L-E-G spells...

Arm.

Arm?

I will also accept...

Leg.

..elbow.

How can you not know that?

You're a doctor.

I'm a gynaecologist.

You don't really come across
many bones.

Question two was the badminton
question, and the answer was

that you need points to win.

? You put .

I-I got confused between badminton

..and dwarfs.

How can you not know the scoring
system if you play every week?

I let the umpire take care of that -
I just concentrate on the game.

That cock's not going to shuttle
itself.

What's going on, Toby?

OK, fine.

I'm sorry, Lucy,
I deliberately gave wrong answers.

I'm playing against Anna.

Anna has to win.

Is this why she always wins
at Trivial Pursuit?

Of course it is.

Trust me, to her,
board games are extremely untrivial.

Once, I almost b*at her at Cluedo.

Do you know what she did?
What?

She almost b*at me.

In the conservatory
with the lead piping.

And finally, question ten,

the presenter of Celebrity Juice
is Keith Lemon.

Thank God one of us watches ITV .

I don't even watch ITV , I can
only imagine the horror of .

There is an ITV and as well.

Good God.

How many sticky toffee cheesecakes
do Iceland need to sell?

So, the scores after Round One...

In reverse order.

Well, this is going to be
humiliating. In last place...

..on one point...

Just pull the trigger.

..it's Team Lucy.

I won't point them out,
don't know who they are.

She's there.
That's Lucy over there!

In second-last place, on two points,
it's Team Lee.

Yes! Get in there, my son!

Whatever.
It's just a bit of fun, innit?

So, pens at the ready for Round Two.

How did they do so badly
in that first round?

I've no idea, but never look
a gift horse in the mouth.

I've never understood
that expression.

You never look a horse in its mouth,
ever.

You look in its eyes.

You kiss its mouth.

Give that to me.

Now, you listen to me, Toby,
and you listen carefully.

I absolutely have to b*at Lee.

He called me a bimbo.

I'm sorry, Lucy,
our priorities are misaligned.

You're looking for revenge,

I'm looking to survive.

If you don't start playing properly,
do you know what I'm going to do?

I suppose it's optimistic to think -
take pity on a man who is

clearly traumatised, help him go
into hiding from his wife

and get him enrolled
in the witness protection scheme?

I'm going to walk over to that table

and I'm going to tell Anna that
not only are you letting her win,

but you've been letting her win
at everything for years.

And I will say it loudly,
so that everyone in the pub hears.

And it will humiliate her.

And she will never forgive you

for the life-scarring
embarrassment it caused her.

And if you think
she makes your life hell now,

you wait until you see the pain
and trauma she will

inflict on you for the rest of
your sad and pathetic little life.

Because she will make you wake up
screaming every morning

for the blessed relief of the grave,
and you will trace it

all back to the decision
you are making right now,

you spineless prick.

You don't hear Bradley Walsh talking
to people like that.

You really want to b*at him,
don't you?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Blimey.
I thought Anna and I had problems.

Round Two, question one.

And the final question of Round Two
is about pie.

Yes! Don't get excited, you
fatties, I'm talking about maths.

I hate this man.

Pi is . ,
but what is next in the sequence?

. ? No?

. ...?

Is it definitely a number?

I'll shut up.

What kind of boring old fart
ever knows more than . ?

. .

Is this going to go on all night,
Lucy?

You've questioned every answer
I've given you this round.

If you've been lying again, Toby,
I swear I'll...

You won't to be able
to pull anything off.

There's nothing left.

OK, we've got all your sheets, so
here are the answers for Round Two.

Question one -
what is Mars the Roman god of?

The answer is w*r.

Yes!

Question two,
the capital of Somalia is...

..Mogadishu. YES!

I'm going to stop doing that.

So, after five rounds,
here are the scores on the doors.

In first place at the moment,
on points,

Quiz Teama Aguilera.

In second place, on points,
it's Team Lucy.

You're quite the brains when you
make the effort, aren't you?

And by "when you make the effort",
you do of course mean

"when you are threatened by an
overly competitive psychopath".

Still, nothing
compared to the mothership, though.

Ah, look at her smug face.

Dear God, even Toby seems to have
a spark of hope in his eyes.

Haven't seen that look for years.

On points, it's Team Lee.

Ugh, we're never
going to catch them now.

Yes, we are.

How?

By getting the remaining questions
right.

Genius.

We are going to google the answers.

You mean, cheat?

It's my wedding anniversary.

Please help me to crush my wife.

God, Lee, you sound like me!

I LOVE it!

Well...?

What?

Get your phone out.

The battery's dead.

Earlier today,
I was recording a row with Toby,

so I could replay it later
and prove I was right.

Where's yours?

It's in Lucy's bag.

The quizmaster said
we had to put our phones away.

Well, that was
an inspired suggestion.

Any other business,
or shall we just break for tea?

I've got an idea.

Can you tell me

your plans without breathing
in my ear like a St Bernard?

Is this a social visit
or do you need another crayon?

May I?

We've come to apologise.

Haven't we, Anna?

Yes.

Once more, with feeling.

I... acted rudely before, Toby,
it was wrong of me.

I'm sorry.

And...

I love you.

And I love you, my darling.

I've been such an idiot.

What was I thinking?

Why do I do it?

I've always got to prove a point,
haven't I?

Why can't I just let things go?

Supposed to be a lovely night out,

but I've completely ruined
this anniversary, haven't I?

And why? Why?

Because I have to be the best.

Why do I have to be the best?

Why? Why? Why?

Why?

I've got it!

It's because...

..I'm...

..an idiot.

You just said that.

I know! But I'm saying it again.

I just really want you to know,
Lucy, that I am an idiot.

I know you are.

Come on, Anna.

In which country would you expect
to find a car with the vehicle

registration code V?

Any ideas? Venezuela? Vietnam?

Is the actual answer
you're looking for,

"I haven't got a bloody clue, Lee"?

Correct.

Well, then, I think it's time
for another crisp, don't you?

Yes, I do.

My phone's going to stink
of cheese and onion for weeks.

That's giving it a nice break
from your pocket.

PHONE VIBRATES

Not now, Dad.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Bloody sinuses playing up again.

NASAL MOANING

Vatican City.

Hang on, Vatican City?
Is that a country?

Oh, Anna, course it is.

It has been since the Lateran Treaty
of established it

as independent elasticated state.

You mean "ecclesiastical".

Give me a break, there's grease
all over this screen.

So, just a moment or two, now,
before we announce the all-important

final scores.

How the hell did those two manage
to catch up so much?

Maybe the quizmaster gave
Anna all the answers

cos they're having an affair
and she's going to run off with him.

They managed to get...
Hang on, Lucy, let me enjoy that.

It's going to be close.

How do you think they did
in that final round?

Not sure.

Toby won't have got
the Barry White question

or the one about Indian ghee.

He's not a fan
of sex music and butter.

That's certainly burnt
onto my retina.

Talking of things that help you
out of a tight spot.

Please don't.

What? I appreciate the last few
hours have bonded us a little, Lee,

but don't assume from here on in
it's open season

for your other crass banter.

I'm going to miss you, Anna.

And, so, the final scores are in,
can I get a drum roll, please?

Ladies and gentlemen,
in first place,

on a very impressive points,
the winner is...

..Team Lee!

YE-E-ES!

I b*at her!

Oh, this is the greatest day
of my life!

And, yes, I am including
the birth of my children!

And in JOINT first place...

I'm actually going to k*ll him.

..also on points, it's Team Lucy!

Yes!

In your face, dickhead!

Sorry.

Which means, of course, that it's
time for a sudden-death tie-breaker.

ALL: Oooh!

Can each winning team please
send up one member to play?

Where are you going?
Well, it has to be me, obviously.

You can't bring your crisp packet
to a sudden-death sh**t-out.

You're not Gary Lineker.

Might be one I know the answer to.

I admire your optimism, Lee,

but we've already had a question
about Scooby-Doo.

Well, off you go.

No way.

I'm not b*ating Anna
in front of everyone.

My life would not be worth living.

It's already borderline.
Oh, well,

I hope the tie-breaker question is
"what is an invertebrate?"

because I think I know
the bloody answer.

Hang on.

Lucy's going up.
So?

So, if you get up there,

she'll always be able to say that it
was you that b*at her, not me.

I have to do the right thing.

I have to get up there
and slam my wife into the ground.

That's beautiful.

I have no idea how you did it,
but if I ever find out you cheated,

I will rip your Adam's apple out
and shove it up your arse.

Happy anniversary, my love.

OK, it's on music.

I'm going to ask you one question,
and one question only.

I want you to write your answers
on your card.

All you need to do is tell me

what this popular song is
from a series of clues.

Feeling lucky?

Actually, I'm feeling hungry -
can I get my crisps?

Here we go. The first clue.

This song was number one in the UK
Singles Chart ten years ago today.

Right, they're both looking
pretty confident,

not even waiting
for the other clues.

I think you might need to ask us
another.

We both know this one.

Do you?

Ten years ago today
was the day we got married.

So, today is your
wedding anniversary?

Yeah.
ALL: Awwww!

Who goes to a pub quiz
on their wedding anniversary?!

I bought her the hotpot.

So, you both know the answer, then?

How could we not?

After the wedding reception, we went
straight to the honeymoon suite...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
where's this leading?

We went straight out onto the
balcony and we looked at the view.

The sun was setting,
and Lee wrapped his arms around me,

and the radio was playing
that week's number-one song.

And we said, "We'll never forget
this day, this moment, this song."

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry I called you a bimbo,
Lucy.

I love you.
And I love you too.

And I'm sorry as well.

Me too.

Don't make this about you, Toby.

Go on, then, give us the correct
answer, in three, two, one...

Uptown Funk. Stay with me.

It was Stay With Me.
No, it wasn't, it was Uptown Funk.

Why would Uptown Funk be our song?

Because it was number one in the
charts the day we got married.

Yeah, that's right, Lee,
I remember now.

You placed your loving arms
around me,

we looked at the beautiful sunset,

and that's when you uttered
those romantic words,

"Girls hit you hallelujah, woo,
cos uptown funk's going to give it
to you."

Trust you to forget
our special song.

And trust you to assume I'M wrong
because you can't remember.

You unfeeling... moron.

You self-righteous... bimbo.

Stop it!

You're both wrong.

It was Cheryl Cole,
Crazy Stupid Love.

BOTH: Oh, yeah!

Let's just call it a draw, shall we?

Promise me
we'll never end up like those two.

PHONE VIBRATES

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪