Adults, The (2023)

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Seven billion

people in the world

MAN AND WOMAN:

You and I are just two

Seven thousand million people

Two of them are me and you

Who are you looking at

Whenever you look at me?

What do I look like

when you see who you see?

Who am I looking at

when my eyes look your way?

Who is it that I'm speaking to

When I call

out in order to say?

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DEVICE POWERS UP)

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

(WATER RUNS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? I just got

to the hotel room.

MAN: Well, get over here, man.

I was gonna go see

my sisters tonight

and come see you tomorrow.

Oh, really? We, um...

sh*t. He... he's coming.

He's coming

tomorrow, not tonight.

- WOMAN: Why?

- MAN: It's OK. Yeah.

I should have clarified that.

Vanessa was planning

on making dinner.

I should have clarified.

Uh, the baby is

waiting to meet you.

I'm waiting to meet the baby.

She's so f*cking

awesome. You'll see.

She's gonna blow your mind.

- Uh, OK. What time tomorrow?

- Um, three?

Is three good for tomorrow?

- Four?

- Four?

VANESSA: Five? Four is fine.

- Five?

- VANESSA: Four is perfect.

- MAN: Four it is.

- OK, see you at four.

- Tell Rachel and Maggie hello.

- I will.

All right, dude.

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: Hello.

- Hi.

- Where are you?

- The hotel room.

- Aren't you coming over here?

No, I was gonna go to Scott's

to see his baby today

and see you tomorrow.

OK. Did you tell Maggie this?

I texted Maggie,

like, three times

but she hasn't

gotten back to me.

I think it's some

kind of digital detox.

She's not using her

phone at the moment.

She was just assuming

you were coming here

so she was gonna show

up at the house if she could.

You should have

told me your plan.

I thought I did. What

does that mean,

she's not using her phone?

(LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER)

Hey, does Dennis

still work here?

- What?

- Is Dennis here?

You gotta speak up,

man. The music's too loud.

- Dennis. Does Dennis work here?

- Who has it?

No. I'm looking for Dennis.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(TV PLAYING)

- Dennis, hi.

- Eric.

I saw the light was on so I

thought you weren't asleep.

I would have called, but I don't

have your number anymore.

I got a new phone

and I couldn't figure out

how to get all my

old contacts onto it.

- OK.

- Yeah, uh...

I did leave a message on

your Instagram yesterday.

Hmm, I didn't see the message.

It said that the

message was read,

but maybe you

just skimmed over it.

So you're visiting?

Just for the weekend.

Scott had a baby.

- I'm here to see Scott's baby.

- Who... who's Scott?

- Scott. You don't know Scott?

- Who is he?

I thought you knew him.

Anyway, I came to

town to see his baby,

and I thought I'd

check in with you.

What are you up

to tonight? Busy?

I'm just chilling. Watching

this... documentary.

- Still play poker?

- Not... not very often, no.

Over at Josh's house?

Speaking of babies, Josh

just had a baby, so that's...

You guys play any

spontaneous games anymore?

Could we make that materialize

if you told him I'm in

town and we want to play?

I'm halfway through

the documentary.

ERIC: After the documentary.

I plan on going to sleep

after the documentary, Eric.

You don't think you'll

get a second wind?

No, not tonight, Eric. No.

What about a game

tomorrow night?

DENNIS: I'll ask

Josh if he's interested.

That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

Thank you.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Where's Maggie?

Uh, she's meeting

us at the diner.

Aren't we running late?

I thought we said

breakfast at ten.

- It's ten now.

- We're not late.

- ERIC: Hey.

- RACHEL: Hey.

That's still how you hug people?

Why don't you hug me like you

haven't seen me for three years?

So how was your flight?

Did you watch any

in-flight entertainment?

They didn't have any

movies on the plane.

- Oh, bummer.

- (MACHINE WHIRS)

ERIC: You look good.

When did you dye your hair?

RACHEL: A year ago.

Oh. OK. I didn't... I

didn't really know that.

Well, you would have,

if we'd ever Skyped or

FaceTimed or whatever.

I dyed it the day

after Rosie d*ed.

Oh, good old Rosie. So it

was like a symbolic thing?

RACHEL: No, I just did it.

I didn't think it

meant anything.

I think I just needed

something to do that day.

No, I just meant it

could easily be construed

as a symbolic gesture.

- You know, mourning or whatever.

- Hmm.

Well, she was

Mom's dog, not mine.

I wasn't even that

sad when she d*ed.

In fact, I was pretty

f*cking happy about it.

Well, I liked Rosie.

RACHEL: Well, you

never lived with her.

Never saw her staring at you

with her beady little soulless

eyes from her doggie bed

like your only worth in life

was being her food dispenser.

But I guess being her inheritor,

it was my cross to

bear and mine alone.

ERIC: Is Nathan

coming to breakfast?

RACHEL: I told you, like, the

same week that it happened

that Nathan and I broke up.

I remember the last time

you broke up, a year ago,

but you got back together.

And then we broke

up three months ago

and I told you the same

week that it happened.

- I don't think you did.

- I did.

But we didn't talk

about it in detail

because I didn't feel like it.

I said, "Nathan and I broke

up but please, let's move on."

- You want to talk about it now?

- Not really, no.

- ERIC: Is that her?

- RACHEL: No.

ERIC: No.

- (CAR DOOR SHUTS)

- MAGGIE: Hello.

- MAGGIE: Hi.

- ERIC: Hey.

Where were you last night?

I had to go to Scott's

to see his baby.

I thought you were

coming over to the house.

I think there was a

mix-up in communication.

Well, how was it

seeing Scott's baby?

It was nice. It's

a beautiful baby.

Her name is Sofia.

MAGGIE: Why are you

even staying in a hotel?

You know, I thought tonight

we would all sleep

at the house together.

ERIC: What gave you that idea?

I guess it's just sort of

what I wanted to happen.

I get a good rate

because I travel so much.

And I like hotel rooms.

Why do I feel guilty about

how I organized this trip?

Neither of you have ever

come to visit me in Portland.

- I am planning on visiting you.

- ERIC: When?

I don't know. Maybe

I'll do a whole big trip.

- What about, like, next month?

- What about school?

- I quit school.

- What? When did that happen?

MAGGIE: I started to feel

like I was in the wrong place.

So I stopped.

ERIC: I can't believe you

quit college without telling me.

Why wouldn't you call me?

MAGGIE: I didn't

want to bother you.

Whoa, she's still here.

Oh, that sweet

and beautiful lady.

God chooses precious few to

rock legs like that at her age.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, if those legs

stepped into a liquor store,

- you'd ask them for their ID.

- (SISTERS CHUCKLE)

RACHEL: If you see your sister

with a body like

that in 40 years,

know that even if her life

appeared to be a

total waste of time,

in her heart, she's

a woman satisfied.

Hey, are those legs on the menu?

Oh, here they are. I see them.

They're under signature

classics. Hot old-woman legs.

Hmm. I was gonna get

the double blueberry

pancakes, my usual, but...

those hot old-woman legs

seem to be calling my name.

So you're going to eat her legs?

ERIC: Yeah, with

the fresh coleslaw.

You want them to saw her legs

off and then cook them for you?

I'm not sure how they do it.

Just whatever they do for

the signature classics here.

Oh, it says here I can have

my choice of fresh coleslaw,

side garden salad, or

rice pilaf if I get the legs.

I do like the coleslaw here.

How far are you gonna take this?

Are you saying that those legs

don't look absolutely delicious?

That's just how I like my

hot old-woman legs to look.

Yummy, yummy.

RACHEL: You like them

to look like a meatloaf

drenched in wet

poop. That's cool.

So what is on our

schedule today?

ERIC: Whatever

you want, but at four,

I'm going back to Scott's house,

and then tonight, I'm

meeting up with Dennis.

- MAGGIE: Who's Dennis?

- He's an old friend.

MAGGIE: What about tomorrow?

ERIC: My flight

is in the morning.

Well, that only gives us, like,

five hours to be together today.

Yeah, I told you it was

going to be a fast trip.

WAITRESS: So

what can I get for you?

I guess I'll just get your

famous triple berry crpes.

And I'll get the French toast

with whipped cream on top.

Double blueberry

pancakes and hash browns.

Double blueberry

and hash. Great.

We've been downstairs

waiting for you for 20 minutes.

Why, what's going on?

- She's making Bloody Marys.

- ERIC: It's, like, two o'clock.

OK. Should I stop her?

ERIC: Well, I don't know. Is

she, like, an alcoholic now?

What? No. Maybe. I don't know.

Hey, I really wish that

you would have told me

about quitting college.

I just wasn't thriving

in that atmosphere.

The professors were

suffocating my originality.

The very strict policy

that I attend class

and pay attention to

the subject at hand.

- Is that a joke?

- Yes.

- It's really not funny.

- OK.

ERIC: But seriously,

doesn't Rachel

seem a little off to you?

MAGGIE: She seems

like her normal self to me.

She did say a few weeks

ago that she's depressed.

OK, well, I've never

seen her depressed.

MAGGIE: What are

you talking about?

She was super-depressed

when Mom d*ed.

Wasn't that just,

like, normal grief?

Well, I don't think she's

ever really processed it.

Not, like, completely.

None of us have.

ERIC: Well, it's...

It's been four and a half years.

Five.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

We don't ever talk about Mom.

OK, so that's why

Rachel is depressed?

Maybe it's more

to do with Nathan.

Yeah, so what happened there?

You mean with Stephanie?

Stephanie, his ex-girlfriend

from high school?

Oh. She didn't tell you.

She probably doesn't

want you to know.

- You basically just told me.

- Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's a big old world

With a lot of people

It's a big old city

With a lot of things

You're a busy woman

You're a busy man

If I get in your way

Go around me, buddy

Go around me, buddy

Go around me

Go around me, buddy

If I'm in the way

Eric...

You're here for

half an hour more?

My legs are getting tired.

- (ERIC CLEARS THROAT)

- (SIGHS)

Nice. Thank you.

How many things

do you have to do?

How many things

are so brand new?

How many people

do you have to meet?

How many minutes

do you have to breathe?

Time is ticking!

The sun is sinking!

You have a lot on your mind!

Tink, tink!

All you want to do is unwind!

Am I standing in your place?

Am I running in your race?

Am I walking your walk?

- Am I ticking off your clock?

- (GRUNTS)

Go around me, buddy

If I'm in the way

Oh!

Oh!

Am I the one ruining your day?

Oh, am I the one

making your clouds gray?

Oh, pardon me

if I walk right into you

Pardon me and go right through

Tap dance!

(FEET SHUFFLING)

MAGGIE: We never had tap

shoes, yet we still decided to do this.

(MAGGIE PANTS AND LAUGHS)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

RACHEL: Hey, I thought we

retired "Go Around Me, Buddy".

- Why would you think that?

- Uh, I don't know.

I guess I assumed our

days as a wannabe trio

of singer-songwriters and

child performance artists

were long behind us.

No way.

RACHEL: When was the last time

we actually brought

out the old songbook?

MAGGIE: Christmas.

Eight years ago. Like, a

month before Eric left home.

(BABY WHIMPERS)

I wish you could

stay for dinner.

You know, I had a

whole plan laid out.

- Sorry about that.

- Oh, it's OK.

Who's this Dennis guy you're

hanging out with tonight?

- You never met Dennis?

- No.

How are your sisters doing?

Yeah, you know. Rachel

is living on her own now.

She's the one who wanted to

keep the house after our mom d*ed.

Is she still working

for the, uh...?

Radio station. Yeah. Maggie...

Maggie went to

college for almost a year

and then she just suddenly

quit, out of nowhere.

Why?

Like, she just follows

her feelings and that's it.

(POP MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)

MAN: Well, that's it for me.

Good to see you again, Eric.

- Have a safe trip home.

- Thanks. Good game.

- Goodnight, everyone.

- Bye.

(MUFFLED MUSIC)

All in?

I don't have a great hand,

but I do have something.

ERIC: Straight draw?

- No.

- ERIC: Tens?

- MAN: No.

- Oh.

You know, I think you've

been bluffing all night

and you're bluffing now.

I'm not bluffing, I promise you.

But you do what

you want, I'm good.

- So you want me to call you?

- Either way is good for me.

Well, this is probably idiotic,

but, um... yeah, f*ck it, call.

Yeah. I thought so.

ERIC: Why did you... What?

Why are you calling

my bet on the flop?

You thought your

sevens were ahead

after this giant bet I made?

MAN: I don't

know, man. It was...

It was stupid.

(MAN LAUGHS)

- WOMAN: Dude. Nice!

- MAN: sh*t.

- WOMAN: OK.

- MAN: All right, yeah.

- f*cking A.

- WOMAN: Nice. (LAUGHS)

Wow. Well, I... Hey.

- I'm... I'm really sorry, man.

- That was...

That did not happen.

That was a good

game. It's just luck.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why did you call

my bet on the flop?

I had the sevens and

then I had the feeling

that you were bluffing.

Because I wanted you

to think I was bluffing.

Well, it worked,

and I got lucky.

That's a bad call.

You're not supposed

to make the all-in call.

Josh does stupid sh*t

like that all the time.

It usually works out for him.

JOSH: OK.

Tough break, bro.

Sorry about that.

Why was he even in that

hand? With a three and a seven?

Why did he even

call my pre-flop raise?

DENNIS: You placed

third and cashed out.

I never get a

chance to cash out.

You should be happy.

Can we play again

when you're done?

Uh, you know what, man?

We really can't tonight.

I told my wife it

wouldn't be too late.

- Can we play again tomorrow?

- Aren't you leaving tomorrow?

I'll change my flight. I have

elite status with the airline,

so I don't have to worry

about rebooking fees.

Man, you... you're just on tilt.

Yeah, maybe just, you

know, take a moment.

Relax. Rethink it.

Go back to the hotel,

and if you think

you still want to stay,

we can all come

and talk about it.

Do I look like I'm not calm?

DENNIS: You're not

even a little bit upset?

This is just me

knowing that I can win

and wanting to play again.

I don't care about the money.

I just don't have to

pay rebooking fees,

so it's easy for me to stay.

I'd be willing to play

again if everybody else is.

- ERIC: Is Maggie here?

- WOMAN: Yeah, she is. Um...

- ERIC: Can I talk to her?

- WOMAN: OK.

I just opened the door

and there's a man outside

coming up the steps.

He says he's here for you.

Who was that?

Just someone my

roommate is sleeping with.

Eric! (CHUCKLES)

This is the best.

Why did you stay?

I just re-thought it

and I just decided

that we didn't have enough time,

so I changed my

flight to tomorrow.

I wanted to surprise you.

I'm surprised.

Hey.

OK...

MAGGIE: (WHISPERS)

I thought you were gone.

ERIC: Hmm?

(MAGGIE SIGHS)

MAGGIE: I thought you were gone.

- I'm sorry.

- MAGGIE: It's OK. I'm just...

- really happy you're here.

- Yeah.

Well, I'm going to...

call into work and

get the day off.

- Still working at that caf?

- (CHUCKLES)

Yes. Gonna quit soon anyways.

Did you tell Rachel

you're still here?

No. I thought we could go

to the house and surprise her.

Perfect. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, and, um...

This is the kitchen. You haven't

seen my place yet. So, um...

Yeah, no. This is, uh...

This is the kitchen.

Living room.

I can show you my

upstairs if you want.

- It's a really nice kitchen.

- It is, isn't it?

ERIC: It's just the

two of you, right?

MAGGIE: Yeah,

it's just two of us.

MAGGIE: Her car's not here.

You wanna text her

and see where she's at?

ERIC: Let's just see if

she comes back soon.

(MIMICS MARGE

SIMPSON) Play a disco song.

Shh.

Oh. I lost my place.

Play a Bee Gees song.

Play "More Than a

Woman" by the Bee Gees.

Show some respect for

your musical ancestry.

(LAUGHS)

Show some respect, Maggie.

- Disco...

- (LAUGHS)

(CONTINUES AS MARGE

SIMPSON) A lot of people

think disco is dead.

But the only thing dead is their

ability to dance to great music.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS LIKE MARGE SIMPSON)

I wanna ask you

some tough questions.

Some hard-hitting questions now.

What will you do with your

life now you've quit college

and thrown it all away?

How will you ever

pick up the pieces?

- I have a lot of ideas.

- Like what?

A friend of mine said I could

come work with him in Utah.

Southern Utah, in the desert.

He's a river-rafting guide,

so he'd teach me

how to raft down a river

and I can become a guide.

You know, for the tourists

that come into town.

- Have you ever rafted before?

- No.

And who's this friend of yours?

Well, he's more of

a friend of a friend.

Never talked to him in person,

but we've chatted online.

ERIC: Hmm... I don't like it.

It's as bad an idea

as quitting college.

Even worse.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

We came here for nothing.

Complete waste of our time.

What do you want to do now?

- What about the zoo?

- What about the zoo?

- We could go there.

- Why?

- You love the zoo.

- I loved it when I was 12.

MAGGIE: I'd be willing to go

to the zoo if you really want to.

ERIC: Forget it. It

was just a stupid idea.

(SIGHS)

MAGGIE: "Hello,

emu, how are you?

What are things you like to do?

I like to eat big giant bugs.

I like eating slimy slugs.

I like to chase the bees.

I like to pee on trees.

Emu, emu. That is I.

Sadly I cannot fly.

Emu, emu. E-M-U.

I am me and you are you."

Written and first performed

in this very zoo

many, many years ago.

It's a masterpiece, really.

- One for the books, I'd say.

- Well, how can it be denied?

MAN: at the top of the tree

and hang out in

that tree all day

and just munch on bamboo.

They don't have a lot

of predators in the wild,

so their lives are pretty quiet

and they don't have a

lot of things to worry about

when they're out there.

These guys live in

Nepal and in India,

Bhutan, Myanmar and China.

Their main food

source is bamboo.

That's one of the reasons

they're endangered

because those forests

are being cut down.

Jude will eat little treats.

Why would you just wander off

without telling us

where you're going,

especially when you're doing

some kind of digital detox

and you don't have

a phone with you?

Why would you do that?

- Maybe she had a panic att*ck.

- Does Maggie have panic att*cks?

I thought you talked to her

on the phone sometimes.

Yeah, but she

never told me that.

Why is she having panic att*cks?

Just normal anxiety.

Do you not...

- have panic att*cks?

- No.

Well, since you don't

keep up on the books,

both of your sisters

have panic att*cks,

your mother had panic att*cks,

maybe even your

father had panic att*cks,

although nobody would know that

because he never confessed

to any other living soul

about what was going

on inside his mind or body.

So consider yourself lucky

to have skipped the genetic

chopping block on that one.

You running out of time? You

need to go see your friends?

I have about two hours.

Thank you, Eric, for sacrificing

so much of yourself

to us this weekend.

It's very kind of you.

But next time, if

there is a next time,

you know, another three

years from now or whatever,

would you consider sacrificing

maybe even more of yourself

and spend, like, actual

full days with Maggie?

Like, you come

here and you feed us

minutes and hours at your will,

like giving tiny breadcrumbs

to starving mice,

and it breaks her little heart.

She thinks she needs

you for some reason.

When did this start?

You being like this?

- Being like what?

- Mean.

Haven't I always been like this?

No. You've been funny and

witty and cynical about the world,

but you've never been

cruel, this bitter, not like this.

Maybe I've just been jaded

by age and experience.

Because of what

happened with Nathan?

(SCOFFS) f*cking seriously?

That is the kind of math

that goes through your head?

Bitter-and-mean woman equals

must-be-scorned-by-cheating-

ex-boyfriend woman? f*ck off.

For what it's worth, I'm

sorry that happened to you.

I didn't know Nathan

was that kind of person.

Yeah, I know you liked him,

so sorry you don't get to

hang out with him anymore.

We can track him down

and I'll b*at the sh*t

out of him if you want.

(LAUGHS) Like you could.

You don't think I would win

in a fight against Nathan?

ERIC: You sure

you're feeling OK?

Yeah.

Can we just stay here

for a couple more minutes?

ERIC: Of course.

Do you want water,

candy, soda or something?

No.

How about a little of the old

"Looking At You Looking At Me"?

Maybe "Bathtub Blues"?

"I've Got Rainbows On My Mind"?

Would that make you feel better?

Rainbows

I've got rainbows on my mind

Shimmering, glorious, colorful

Glittering, stunning rainbows

Oh, yeah

ERIC AND RACHEL:

The rain has come

The rain has gone

The clouds say goodbye

And the sun says hello

Where is that? What is that?

How did that get made?

I've got rainbows on my mind

Shimmering, glorious, colorful

Glittering, stunning rainbows

Oh, yeah

I have rainbows

On my mind

Hmm

- Here's to the big winner.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Well played.

- Elite status.

You deserve it.

Yeah, I mean, I couldn't

in my conscience leave

without seeing if I could win

against you all in a tournament.

You're a great player, for sure.

Probably better than any of us.

You think he's as

good as Christina?

- Hmm. That's a tough one.

- Who's Christina?

She's our best player. She

beats us most of the time.

I mean, she usually

slaughters us.

She was out of

town this weekend.

I'd like to see if you

could b*at Christina.

She's amazingly good.

Next time you're in

town, let's make it happen.

- Yeah, thanks. Good game.

- Yeah. You too.

When is Christina back in town?

Um, she's just

visiting her parents.

I think tomorrow morning.

Bye.

(COUGHS)

MAN: One hundred and ten years

standing here strong and sturdy.

But there's nothing now

that can keep this

tree alive another year.

WOMAN: I used

to walk by the hill

on my way to school every day

and I just loved

looking up at the tree.

MAN: Mary isn't the only

one who loves the tree.

There's a growing

number of local residents

who are bonding

over their recollections

of how much the tree has

meant to them over the years,

and the emotion in

some of their voices

hints at what it might feel like

when the tree is finally

ripped out of the ground

and is gone forever,

once and for all.

Oh, yeah. I think this section,

we don't use because

it's too sentimental.

There's nothing wrong

with sentimentality.

(MIMICS MARGE SIMPSON)

Hmm. I prefer no sentimentality.

(NORMAL VOICE) But seriously,

just imagine it

without this section.

Everything flows much better.

What if we just trim it?

What if I cut it right

over here, right in half?

(MIMICS MARGE SIMPSON)

Cut the whole thing, please.

I'd really prefer that.

Why do you keep doing that?

RACHEL: (NORMAL

VOICE) I'm sorry. Sorry.

But... (MIMICS MARGE

SIMPSON) guilty as charged.

(LAUGHS LIKE MARGE SIMPSON)

(MAN SIGHS)

(TYPING)

Cut it from here.

- (LOUD MUSIC)

- (BOWLING PINS CLATTER)

WOMAN: Whoo.

Hey, Eric, do you

know about the party

I'm having at my

house tomorrow night?

You should definitely come.

Eric might be leaving tomorrow.

Are you actually

leaving this time?

It's hard to predict. I'm, like,

waiting for some phone calls.

WOMAN: Your turn, Eric. You

need to get a strike, like, right now

if you have any chance

to catch up to Amanda.

Well... Oh. Yeah, sorry.

This is one of those

calls I've been waiting for.

I have to take

this. It's important.

- What about your turn?

- Yeah, there's nothing I can do.

Just use my frames for practice.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Please say you're joking.

OK. When did this occur?

WOMAN: So Maggie

says you work at WBSR?

Yeah, and we're forced to do

these stupid fluff

pieces, you know.

Nothing really human.

Nothing that means anything.

"Child gets trapped

in washing machine.

Man masturbates in a McDonald's.

Child brings giant snake

to school, snake escapes.

Kindergarten class

is scarred for life."

(LAUGHS)

"Folks, have we

got a story for you.

Oh, yes! Big story! Earthquake!

A baby fell out of a building

during the earthquake!

A local man caught the

baby before it hit the ground!

Amazing! What a hero! Full

story after the commercial break."

Why does Rachel hate me?

- She doesn't hate you.

- Yeah, well, why does she?

- I said she doesn't hate you.

- Yeah.

(CAR HORN BLARES)

She's nice to everybody

else except for me.

Well?

I'll miss you.

Earlier when we

were with everybody

and I did the, uh, radio voice

about the earthquake and

the baby, you didn't laugh.

Nobody else did either.

Was it because of my delivery?

I don't know.

Or was it in comparison

with what Rachel was saying?

Maybe.

You used to think I was the

funniest person in the world.

You're really not going

to stay another night?

Probably not.

I think I was, like, six.

My mom was cooking dinner

and she sliced her

finger open with a Kn*fe.

I saw all the blood and I

saw how freaked out she was.

Like, there was a real

look of terror on her face.

Her finger was

dangling the wrong way.

She went to the hospital,

she got it stitched up,

but I totally thought she was

gonna die while she was there.

- Good hand.

- ERIC: Thank you.

DENNIS: And what

about you, Eric?

First time you realized that

death exists and people die.

ERIC: That's what

we're talking about?

Yeah.

Um...

I remember... there was this

father and son I once knew.

And, uh, the father was,

like, pretty high up in status,

like, he had most of the

power in their community.

And the father was

planning on the son

taking over for

him, for the father,

like, taking over what you

could call the family business.

But the son's uncle,

the father's brother,

he wanted the power.

He was jealous and

mean, the uncle, and...

so the evil uncle made a trap

cornering the father in this,

like, canyon, in a canyon,

where there was a

stampede of antelope.

- Antelope?

- ERIC: Yeah.

Like, very strong

antelope or strong deer.

I don't know. But animals

that look like antelope,

and the father was

trapped and he was hurt,

and he tried to climb

up the canyon wall.

But the uncle was there.

Uh, he didn't let

the father climb up.

He, uh... And the father fell.

He fell back down

into the canyon.

And, um...

He, uh... That's how he d*ed.

And the son, he went down

there wondering what happened,

and he found his father dead.

The son was so sad, he

was trying to understand

what happened to his father.

And understand why

his father wasn't moving.

Um, and his father

was indeed dead.

And that was the

first time I realized

that sometimes, lions die.

(LAUGHTER)

DENNIS: Oh, my

God, Eric, you're crazy.

WOMAN: Ooh! (LAUGHS)

JOSH: Wait. I... I don't get it.

What's going on? What?

The son that found the

father dead, that was Simba

from The Lion King.

Like, the Disney movie?

- WOMAN: Yeah.

- JOSH: All right. OK, I get it.

Like, you got us, man.

You got us pretty good there.

That's really the first time

you realized people die?

Yeah, that tore me

apart, that scene.

Basically traumatized me.

I guess you could say

it scarred me for life.

(LAUGHS)

Scar is the name

of the evil uncle.

Eric was scarred for life.

- I got you. All right.

- Yeah.

- Why were you crying?

- I was trying to sell it to you.

I was trying to sell

the story to you.

DENNIS: Well, you

sold it. I almost cried too.

- WOMAN: Hilarious.

- JOSH: Wow.

(WATER RUNS)

Eric, I don't think

you'd do half bad

in another game I play in.

It's a bigger game.

Cash game, good players.

Three times a week, and

there's a game tomorrow night.

I probably play twice a

month, if I feel like I can afford it.

What's the buy-in?

I don't think it'd be wise

to start with anything

less than a hundred.

But you're better off

with, like, two or three.

I should be going home, finally.

But that's tempting, for sure.

All right. If you

change your mind,

Megan's got my number.

- Bye, Megan.

- All right, Megan.

Thanks for coming.

Hi. Just checking

out of 426. Thanks.

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

Hello?

MAGGIE: (DEEP

VOICE) Knock-knock.

Is Moopie-Moopie home?

(SIGHS)

MAGGIE: Hello? Moopie-Moopie?

Are you home?

(HIGH VOICE) Yes.

MAGGIE: Do you know who this is?

RACHEL: Yes.

- MAGGIE: Who is it?

- It's Wug-Wug.

Yes.

It is me, Wug-Wug. Good

morning to you, Moopie-Moopie.

Good morning, Wug-Wug.

MAGGIE: I have not

seen you in long time.

Whoosh.

Oh.

(NORMAL VOICE) Do

you want to get a coffee?

Maggie?

Where did Moopie-Moopie go?

Moopie-Moopie crawled back

inside her warm

little hiding place.

She is very tired.

If there's any chance of

her coming back out to play,

she needs a 16-ounce coffee

and perhaps a delicious

pastry of some sort.

Where did Charles go?

- Charles went home.

- MAGGIE: Oh, did he?

Hm-hmm.

Charles went home because

he doesn't want to play.

But Charles said he

was going home before,

and he didn't do it.

Well, I think this time,

Charles has left us far behind.

Sorry about that but, you

know, Charles is an adult.

Charles can do what he wants.

MAGGIE: Are you totally

sure he went home?

Yes.

Knock-knock. Anybody home?

Wug-Wug? Are you

there? Moopie-Moopie?

It's me, Charles. Hello.

- MAGGIE: Oh. Hello, Charles.

- Hello, Wug-Wug.

Moopie-Moopie

said you went home.

ERIC: No, I'm still here.

Hello, Moopie-Moopie.

Darling, why, I...

What's wrong with Moopie-Moopie?

She said she crawled back

inside her warm little hiding place.

ERIC: Oh, my.

MAGGIE: Hey, Moopie-Moopie.

Can Charles stay over?

He brought his bag with him.

Charles can do

whatever he wants.

Oh, good!

Ta. Thanks.

Rather good. Ha!

Lovely. Very fine.

Rather. Well.

Jolly good.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS)

(VACUUM CLEANER CONTINUES

IN THE BACKGROUND)

(VACUUM CLEANER GETS CLOSER)

Can you do that another time?

(TURNS OFF VACUUM CLEANER)

This is the day when I do it.

But you don't have to

vacuum in here, do you?

RACHEL: I always vacuum in here.

Why? How does it even get dirty?

I just like to do it anyway.

Well, how about

this time, you skip it?

I'd rather not.

How about you leave

the vacuum there,

and I'll do it when I can?

How do I know

you'll actually do it?

ERIC: You know what?

Why don't you go

ahead and f*cking do it

if that's what you

really want to do?

- I do.

- (TURNS VACUUM CLEANER ON)

How's this? Is

this how you like it?

Is this clean enough for you?

Oh, is this good? Is this good?

You don't have to be

this way toward me.

I just like a clean house.

- No, you're f*cking eating me!

- RACHEL: I'm eating you?

Yeah, you're doing it to eat me!

RACHEL: It's my house.

I can vacuum my house how

I want to vacuum my house.

ERIC: Yeah, I

know it's your house.

You're making

that very, very clear.

RACHEL: I was the

one who was left alone

to figure out how to get

a f*cking mortgage on it.

- ERIC: Yes, I f*cking know!

- Pay the taxes.

- You hate me for it!

- RACHEL: No!

It's the other way around.

- What do you mean?

- The other way around.

The other way around.

- You hate me for it.

- ERIC: Not true!

Yes, true!

- ERIC: No!

- You don't like me for it. Yes!

(SIGHS)

You don't...

You do not like me for it.

You do not like me as a person.

Hey.

What's going on, man? Welcome.

- How much d'you want in?

- I'll start with 200.

Two hundred?

What do you have?

- I have a hand.

- Yeah?

- Any good?

- I think it's good.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm.

Yeah, I have a hand, but I

don't have the nuts or anything.

Yeah.

You paired up? You have a king?

Maybe. (SCOFFS)

Yeah. You're probably

ahead of me at the moment.

Do you want me to call you?

ERIC: If you have

a king, no. But, uh...

(CHUCKLES)

I can't tell if he's lying. I

don't know who this guy is.

I'm not lying, I swear. Do

you wanna know what I have?

- Yes.

- ERIC: I want another club.

- And that's the truth.

- Hmm.

I still think you're

ahead of me,

but, you know, I

want a flush, so...

That's it.

(CHUCKLES)

- ERIC: Really?

- Hm-hmm.

All right, well. Let's just...

We're doing this, so...

All right, well, you're even

more ahead than I thought.

- There you go. Nice one.

- MAN: Classic.

- All right, ready?

- ERIC: Yep.

- f*ck off!

- MAN: Hey!

- f*ck.

- MAN: Hey.

Yo, Bobby, man,

you had the best hand.

You made the right call.

- I would have called that too.

- BOBBY: Don't say that!

If it had been the right

call, I would have won!

MAN: Forget about it, man.

It happens to everybody.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Ooh!

OK.

What?

Hm-hmm.

I think I should... fold?

- What is it?

- Just 50.

ERIC: Uh-huh.

All right. Just

get it all in there.

Wow.

Wow.

I figured it's the last hand

of the night, so... why not?

No, no, no, no, no.

No. You must have something.

Did you really make a straight?

Did you flop a set?

Hang on. You are ahead of me.

Then why would

you make that bet?

I mean, I could

just walk away now

and be very happy

about what I've won.

That's probably the

smart thing to do.

You did say at the

beginning of the night

that it wasn't about the money.

- You just wanted to play.

- I want to win.

Hmm... I just wanna win.

I wanna win.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

I think you're just

better than me.

You're just better than I am.

(SHRIEKS)

Mmm! Yeah!

Oh! Oh. Sorry.

Oh, man.

I didn't mean to

make that sound.

I've never made

that sound before.

You have every right to

celebrate. You cleaned house.

ERIC: Yeah, that was

close. Wow, I almost folded.

- Sorry about that. (EXHALES)

- MAN: No, it was stupid of me.

- I found that call. (SIGHS)

- MAN: Nice call. Nice call.

- That was so good.

- MAN: Hmm.

That was so good.

- Nice call.

- ERIC: Wow.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

(HUMS TUNE)

What have you been doing, man,

standing out here for two hours?

- BOBBY: About that, yeah.

- OK.

- OK what?

- OK, cool.

- How much you win?

- I don't know.

I...

BOBBY: You look like you're

pretty happy with the night.

I'm just waiting

for the car I called.

Should be here any minute.

BOBBY: Yeah, you're in

the wrong f*cking place, man.

Why are you here?

What do you mean, like, in town?

Like, here.

In front of me.

Taking my money.

ERIC: That's the game.

That's how it goes.

BOBBY: You're in

the wrong place, man.

What does that mean, exactly?

I have a g*n.

OK.

So look, what do

you think it means?

My car should be

here any minute.

Then you better hurry up.

How about I give you back

the money you came with?

BOBBY: I'm not the one

who sat down at the table

at the beginning of the night

and said that money

doesn't matter.

ERIC: I only meant that

winning is my ultimate priority.

Money definitely

matters, of course it does.

It's like the... You

know... What...

You can't even... It

doesn't even... It...

(STAMMERS) Huh?

Take... You know,

it's not... Like, every...

You don't... You can't even...

It's like running the world.

And... anyway, I won

this money fair and square,

and it's not fair that you just

want to take it away from me.

- I'm getting very impatient.

- I'm happy to give you half.

(AS CHARLES)

Please take half, sir,

and let's call it

a day, shall we?

Come on, man.

(LOUD MUSIC)

AMANDA: What

are you looking for?

I don't know.

- Can I get you a drink?

- Um...

Vodka?

Yeah, what do you

drink with vodka?

- You could have a vodka soda.

- Great. Fine.

Your sisters are

in the backyard.

Oh. OK.

AMANDA: Do you,

like, not remember me?

- What?

- Amanda.

Yeah. No, of course.

- From bowling.

- I know.

You're, like, a

very good bowler.

Yeah, you're very good.

I don't know what you ended

up with on that last game, but...

One seventy-two.

Yeah. That's serious.

It's very serious.

- Are you OK?

- ERIC: What do you mean?

Do you wanna go outside?

Yeah, I'll be out

there in a minute.

OK.

There he is. We thought

maybe you'd just never show up.

I just, uh...

(AS CHARLES)

I've just been doing

a bit of the old

painting the town,

seeing my friends,

getting business done.

Uh, Eric, we were talking about

binge-watching The Sopranos.

Have you ever

watched The Sopranos?

(MIMICS TONY

SOPRANO) All due respect,

you got no f*cking idea what

it's like being Number One.

Every decision you make

affects every facet of

every other f*cking thing.

I'm Tony Soprano. Of course

I've seen my autobiography.

I wrote the thing.

I wrote it by living

my f*cking life!

What is wrong with you?

(NORMAL VOICE) I got, uh...

(MIMICS TONY SOPRANO) I

got robbed at gunpoint tonight.

A man had a g*n.

He took all my money.

(LAUGHS)

That's funny to you?

ERIC: (NORMAL VOICE) Who

said it was funny? There was a g*n.

And I lost all my money.

How could that be funny?

Do you think it's funny?

Well, I'm... I'm gonna go

inside. I'll see you soon.

(AS CHARLES) Well, she doesn't

like me very much, does she?

Actually, Eric, she

has a little crush on you

for some sick, demented reason.

Well, I'd tell you to f*ck off,

but I, Charles, do

not use profanity.

(AS MOOPIE-MOOPIE)

Well, Moopie-Moopie

has never even uttered

the word intercourse,

but I'll be happy to

say to you right now,

"f*ck you hard, Charles.

f*ck you right to the moon."

(HIGH VOICE)

Peek-a-boo! That's right.

Buster Keaton lover

and classic-movie enthusiast

Randy Roundabout here,

pumped up and absolutely

prepared to deliver

a full decade's worth

of steaming vomit

into your open mouths.

See, I've been

eating tons of cheese

and a whole bunch of

spinach and other rotten greens,

so crank open

that throat passage

and get ready for a powerful

cargo dump of sickly hot puke.

Also, I must take this moment

to opine that the

1926 film The General

is a tour de force of

physical masterwork

by the one and only silent

film movie star Buster Keaton,

whose altar I worship at.

This has been Randy

Roundabout himself, signing off.

RACHEL: (CROAKY VOICE)

The Hoagie Sandwich Lady is back

after a long hiatus in Florida,

where I've been almost too busy

chilling on the

beach in the day,

eating delicious hoagie

sandwiches in the afternoon,

and partying my ass off

at night to plot my revenge.

Yet, what have we here?

A bucket full of my

own human hair,

my fingernail and

toenail clippings,

and oh, the blood

of a diseased cow,

and I've blended

it all together.

So now's the time to go ahead

and dunk your

head into the bucket

until you're dead drunk

from the poisonous

chemical reaction

to all the piss and sh*t

and blood and sh*t and

puke and skin and blood.

ERIC: (AS RANDY) No matter

how many shits I have to sh*t,

how many fucks I have to f*ck,

victory shall bear

only one name,

and that glorious name

shall be Randy Roundabout.

Buster Keaton lover

and overall classic-movie

enthusiast Randy Roundabout.

(AS WUG-WUG)

Hello, this Wug-Wug.

Would it be possible

to please stop fighting?

You're hurting my little ears.

RACHEL: (AS MOOPIE-MOOPIE)

He will never give up

because he cannot accept defeat.

If you think about

it hard enough,

it's the very reason

why you exist, Wug-Wug.

And why I do. Moopie-Moopie.

I was born because

Charles thought

he was the smartest man

on the face of the earth.

You and I, Wug-Wug,

we brought ourselves forth

to show him that there were

other flavors in the universe,

that it wasn't all Charleses

and Randy Roundabouts.

That there were other creatures

even more awesome

and more hilarious

than that which existed

in his limited imagination.

(AS CHARLES)

Speaking of limited,

Moopie-Moopie's story

is simply very one-sided

and... and not very true.

'Tis Moopie-Moopie who decided

that she was more awesome

and hilarious than anybody else,

and it was she who decided

to make you, Wug-Wug, know

that she was that

much more awesome

and hilarious than me, Charles.

(VALLEY GIRL VOICE) Hey,

this is Tina from the Valley.

We're at a party right now,

so maybe we should just party.

Please?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh, wow, this is, like,

a furry blanket, isn't it?

- It's so furry.

- AMANDA: Yeah, I like it.

- That's why I bought it.

- ERIC: Yeah. What is it, sheep?

AMANDA: I think it's fake.

It's incredible.

I think I'm gonna

go back downstairs.

What am I doing here?

Are you asking yourself that

question, or are you asking me?

If you have an

answer, I'd love to hear.

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

("OVERKILL" BY MEN AT WORK)

ERIC AND MAGGIE: I'm

looking at you, looking at me

You're simply very

much who I like to see

I'm looking at

you looking at me

You're exactly looking like

Hmm?

Should I go make sure she

gets into the bed all right?

MAGGIE: Yeah.

Good night.

Hey. You asleep?

RACHEL: Hmm.

I just wanted to say goodbye,

in case you're not awake

when I leave in the morning.

Thank you.

Yeah, OK. Well...

- RACHEL: Mom loved you.

- What?

Well, I just wanted to say it

was good to see you, and...

I'm definitely leaving

in the morning, so...

Mom loved you.

- I know that.

- She loved you a lot.

I know that. Yeah.

She even thought you were funny.

- Thanks. That's...

- I'm being serious.

I'm taking off pretty

early in the morning, so...

Do you think about me sometimes?

ERIC: Yeah, of course I

think about you sometimes.

Do you really?

Do you think I don't love you?

- Yeah.

- ERIC: Yeah what?

Huh?

Yeah, you think I don't love

you or yeah, you think I love you?

I don't know. I think you

loved me a long time ago.

Come on. You know I do.

- You never say it.

- I do. I do.

Now what?

ERIC: I love you so much.

Even if I'm not here.

I could never stop loving you.

That's just not

even a possibility.

(BIRDS TWEET)

Where's Eric?

- I think he's still asleep.

- Hmm.

Isn't he going to

be late for his flight?

When is it?

- It's in an hour, I think.

- Oh.

His alarm must

have not gone off.

("'81" BY JOANNA NEWSOM)