16x01 - The Ghost Talks (1949)

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[WIND WHISTLING]

So this is smorgasbord castle.

Light some candles.

Shemp, come on.

SHEMP:
I'm coming.

This joint gives me the creeps.

Uh-oh.

MOE:
Hey, Shemp, come on.

All right.

How do you like that?
It's stuck.

[GRUNTING]

Quit stalling.

Hold your horses.

What are you stalling about?

You know we got
furniture to move.

I can't help it.
My umbrella won't close.

You're just a dumbbell.

Give it to me.

I'll close it.

[SHEMP LAUGHS]

Wise guy.

So you got a shower, eh?
Why, I...

Oh!

Cut out the clowning.

We got work to do.

The sooner we get out
of this spooky joint,

the better I'll like it.

[CREAKING]

[WHIMPERS, SNORTS]

[SLAMS]

W-What was that?

Why, that was...
Why, that was the creaky door.

Hello, everybody.

This is Desmond
of the outer sanctorum.

Strange things will happen
in this mysterious castle.

[CACKLES]

Who could get along without
a nice, bloody m*rder, hm?

Yes. There will be
strange happenings.

[CACKLES]

[SCREAMS]

[BANG]

[GROANS]

What happened?

Strange happenings.

That's strange.

Come on.
Oh, oh, oh.

Ow, ow, ow.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I hate this castle.

People said it was haunted.

Ah, go on.

There's no such thing
as haunted houses and spooks.

That was just a coincidence.

Who does this belong to?

[WIND WHISTLES]

[TWANG]
Yow!

What happened?

Just a coincidence.

Fellas, let's get started.

I got the list of the stuff
we're supposed to move away.

Yeah, here. An antique table
and chairs, a mahogany chest,

and a suit of medieval armor.

[BANG]

[CRASH]

Well, let's see.

Thank you.

What are you thanking me for?

I wasn't thanking you
for anything.

Then why was you thanking me?

I didn't say a word.

But I did.

Why didn't you say so
when I first asked you?

I didn't say anything.

One of us is nuts,
and it can't be you.

Right.

[CHUCKLES]

Keep your big mouth shut.

Just a minute.

People have a right
to talk, you know.

Oh, a wise guy, eh?

Ooh!

Let him alone.

Now, listen.
We gotta get busy.

You help me get the table
over to the truck.

You take the armor.

Come on.
All right.

Please don't take me away.

I beg of you.

Put me down.

I beseech you.

Ahhhh!

[CRASH]

Ow!

Ah.

How do you like that lazy?

Fine time to take a nap.

Get up out of here.

Look, Moe. Look, Moe,
Moe, I'm telling ya.

Never mind.

Go on, help Larry.
I'll take the armor.

Nitwit.

Up you go.

There we are.

Thank you.
You are a gentleman.

Oh, think nothing of it, I...

That's funny.

For a minute, I thought
that armor spoke to me.

I did.

[YELPS]

Hey, fellas. That suit
of armor, it's haunted.

It just spoke to me.
It spoke to me too.

Ah, you're goofy.

Honest, Larry.
It just spoke to me.

Yeah.
Ah, you fraidy-cats.

I'll take care of this.

Armor talking.

If you got something to say,
say it now

before I dump you in the truck.

You guys must be dreaming.

Or maybe he don't talk English.

Parlez-vous Francais?

Oui, oui, monsieur.

Spaten zee Irish?

Hootman.

Ah, you see.

He don't talk English.

[YELPING]

Hey, fellas.

Take it easy.
We'll get you out.

Hurry up.

Heave.
Ho.

[GRUNTING]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.
You're right.

That armor is haunted.

It just spoke to me too.

Hey, it can't be possible.

Things like this
just don't happen.

Shemp, I think you better
go get the armor.

Moe, I think you better
go get the armor.

Wait a minute.

I think we all better
go get the armor.

Let's not be afraid.

Come on.

Go ahead.

Have no fear, gentlemen.

I am a friendly spirit.

Come closer.

It's empty.

[TAP, TAP]

[CLANK, CLANK]

[TAP, TAP-TAP, TAP...]

[...CLANK, CLANK]

[TAPPING]

Oop. There goes my quarter.

[CLANGING]

[GEARS GRINDING]

MOE: Wait a minute.
All right. Step aside.

You're really a friendly spirit.

Give. Ooh!

What did you say your name was?

I am the spirit of peeping Tom.

I was accused of peeping
through the shadows

when Lady Godiva made her
famous ride through Coventry.

But I didn't do it.

I swear I didn't
do it purposely.

Take it easy, pal.
Calm yourself.

Here, have a smoke.

[COUGHING]

Sorry, gentlemen.

I haven't had... [COUGHS]

a smoke in a thousand years.

Think you're old enough
to smoke?

[CHUCKLES]

[HONK]
Quiet.

I don't get this.
What is it all about?

It's this way.

In the days of old,
I was a tailor.

Oh, old Taylor.

[BOP]
Quiet.

Yes, yes. Go on.

You see, Lady Godiva
and I were sweethearts.

We were going to be married.

Then came that
famous day and year...

When he said to his friends,

"If the British march,
hang a... Hang a..."

I'll hang one.

Yes, yes. Go on.

Well, we were told
to close our shutters tight.

Every shutter in the city
was shuttered, including mine.

I was seated in my tailor shop

by the shuttered window, sewing.

My needle had run out of thread,

and in the darkened room
I could not see to rethread it.

Forgetfully, I stepped to the
window and opened the shutter

to give me light
so I could thread my needle.

Suddenly,
there were cheers and yells.

Inadvertently,
I turned to the window

to see what the shouting
was about.

[POW]

That shutter,
that confounded shutter.

I shudder to think of it.

[CHUCKLES]

[BEEP]
Ooh!

Shutter up.

Oh, I don't have to. Nah.

What did you say?
I don't have to. Nah.

[SIZZLE]

Now be quiet.

I'm sorry.
Then what happened?

I was beheaded and my spirit
imprisoned in this suit of armor

for years.

Today, my time is up,

and the spirit of Lady Godiva
will meet me.

[COWERS]
That does it.

Go out to the truck
and get that bottle.

I gotta have a drink.

Me too.
Me three.

Make it four.

I still think I'm dreaming.

See if I'm awake.

[BOING]
[YELPS]

You're awake.

Yes, but you won't be for long.

Come here.
Look out.

[MUSICAL SCALE]
Oh, oh, oh.

LARRY:
Spread out, you guys.
I got the bottle.

Oh, boy.

Start pouring.

Okay.

Down the hatchet.
Hurray.

Brruump!

Why don't you watch
your manners?

Barrummp!

Hey, cut it out.

Aww.

[ALL SLURPING]

[MECHANIC SLURPING NOISES]

Now, this is all very well, Tom,

but we got orders to move
all the junk out of here,

including you.

Gentlemen, I warn you,

if you take me,
bad luck will pursue you.

Heed my warning.

Somebody's playing jokes on us.

This ain't possible.

Yeah, you get the rest
of the stuff.

I'll take this tin can out.

There's the, uh...

[BANGING]
Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Uh-oh, bad luck
is beginning to start.

Oh, fiddlesticks.
I'm fed up with spooks.

MOE:
So am I. Come on,

let's get this junk out of here.

Go ahead.
I gotta get my hat.

Go ahead.

MOE:
Hey, Shemp, come on.

Hold your horses, will ya?

Oh? Oh?

Oh, tricks, eh?

Wise guy, eh? You can make
this hat jump till doomsday,

but you won't frighten me again.

I'm through being scared
of your phony spooky business.

Ha-ha-ha...

[YELPING]

What's wrong with you now?

That bad luck was
down my back biting me.

It was scratching me to death.

Six lions were tearing me apart
bit by bit.

Six lions.

Quit lyin'.

You're only stalling.

Go on.
Get busy.

MOE:
Go ahead. We'll take
this chest first. Get on it.

Heave. Heave.

It's too heavy. We'll have
to take it piecemeal.

Take the junk off the top,
and I'll take the drawers.

Hurry up.
[GROANS]

STOOGES:
Ahhh!

Greetings, gents.

I said, "greetings," that is.

W-W-Who are you?

Me? I'm Red.

Oh, a red skeleton.

Catch.

[SHUDDERS]

Boy, am I glad he's gone.

I... Aah!

Ow! Ow!

Eeeh!

Don't be afraid now, boys.

But let's get
out of here!
Yeah!

Wait a minute, fellas.

That spirit locked us in.

Hold it. I'll bust
that door down.

Stand aside.

Oh!

Moe, Moe, say a few syllables.
Are you all right?

Say something.

[HOOTING]

Okay, I'm all right.

What we need is a harder head.

I think you got something there.

Let's go.

Right.

Hey, heave. Heave.

[BANG]

SHEMP:
Ho.

Wait, I think it's cracking.

What, the door?
No, my head.

Listen, fellas.
I wanna get out of here.

Let's try that door.

[YELPS]

Come on. Move.

Don't sit there
like you're dead.

Go away, boys.
You bother me.

[ALL YELP]

Whew.

[HOOTING]

[PANTING]

Look, fellas.

We gotta figure some way
to get out of here.

Whoo, whoo.

Us, you lame-brain, who do you
think I'm talking about?

[ALL YELP]

Oh, get out of here!

Look out.

Oh!

What happened?

You all right, kid?

Oh!

Oh, boy, that spook hit me
right on top of the head.

Me too. Look out.

Lucky I took that away from him,
or he'd have k*lled you both.

Thanks, you're a pal.

Yeah, swell guy.

[CLOPPING]
What's that?

MOE:
Oh, boy. Ain't she a beauty?

SHEMP:
It's Lady Godiva.

Whoa, charger.

Ain't she a doll?

[YELPING]
[HOWLING]

[BARKS]

Cut it out.

Giddyup, charger.

Come on. Let's watch
'em ride by.

Yeah. Come on.

Hey, wait a minute.

Remember what happened
to peeping Tom?

Ah, that was
a thousand years ago.

Right.

ALL:
Yoo-hoo.

[CROWD YELLING]

[♪♪♪]