25x03 - Pies and Guys

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hello ♪
♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

ALL:
Hello.

[♪♪♪]

Environment.

Heredity.

I still say environment.

Heredity.

It's the very foundation
of social distinction.

Environment.

What do you think,
Miss Lulu?

Oh, please, gentlemen,
don't get me into this.

Excuse me.

My dear Professor Sedletz,

your theory is illogical,

preponderantly impracticable,

and moreover, it stinks.

I'll wager you a thousand
dollars my theory is correct,

Professor Quackenbush.

I'll accept your bet,

and I'll take a man from
the lowest strata of society,

and within two months,
through environment,

make him a gentleman.

It's a bet.

Ahem.
Pardon me, uh, professor.

The plumbers are here.
Come on.

Boy, what a joint.

They must be crooks.

Yeah.

This joint's prettier
than the reform school.

Boys,
we want this gas log removed.

Right.
Right.

All right, fellas,
get busy.

Oh, oh, oh!

[HUMMING]

[BOTH GROANING]

Now,
you watch your p's and q's.

And you behave yourself.

There are your guinea pigs,
professor.

If you can make
gentlemen of them

you will go down in posterity

as having solved
the Darwin theory.

Hm. Quite so,
Professor Sedletz.

Come on, get busy. You hold
the chisel, I'll cut the pipe.

I'll watch.

Come,
let us interview them.

Ooh!

I'm sorry, bub.

You should've honked
your horn before you approached.

Oh, it's nothing.
I'll be all right.

Hey, you with
the mattress head.

If I gave you a dollar, and
your father gave you a dollar,

how many dollars
would you have?

One dollar.

You don't know
your arithmetic.

You don't know
my father.

[ALL LAUGHING]

How would you like to make
a thousand dollars?

All you have to do
is let me make gentlemen of you.

Gentlemen? No, not that.

There hasn't been a gentleman in
our family for five generations.

Quit bragging.

For a thousand dollars
we'll even become gentlemen.

Good.
Then it's settled.

Kindly sit down.
Right here.

Cross your legs.

May I borrow the chisel,
please?

Here we go.

It's amazing,
my dear Sedletz.

Inconceivable,
my dear Quackenbush.

Hm.

Ooh!

Oh, oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, I'm--
I'm so sorry.

You know,
Professor Sedletz.

There is definite evidence
of vacancy of the cranium.

Oh, thank you,
professor.

Well, you made the bet
and you're stuck with them.

Oh, no. I'll win.

What,
with those morons?

STOOGES:
How'd you know?

And we're organized.

Amalgamated Association
of Morons.

Local and / th.

ALL:
♪ Oh, we are morons
Tried and true ♪

♪ We will do our yell for you ♪

[ALL GROANING]

Then you've taken care
of everything, Miss Lulu?

Yes, sir. I have also arranged
for lunch.

Oh, good. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

We're ready.

Oh, gentlemen.

This is my secretary,
Miss Lulu.

She's going to help me
with your education.

Glad to meet you.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

Boy, what a Lulu.

[HOWLS]

[GROANS]

And now, gentlemen, your first
lesson will be table manners.

You must always remember--
Pardon me,

luncheon is served.

STOOGES:
Luncheon is served.

Ha, ha, ha, luncheon.

[MOE LAUGHING]
[BUTLER GROANING]

Now, boys, the first thing
at the dinner table

is the serviette.

I never ate
one of those.

The napkin.

Hey. In your lap.

Oh.

Good. Now, gentlemen,
watch Miss Lulu carefully.

Whatever she does at this table,
you boys must do.

We'll do everything
that she does.

Good. Now, pardon me, gentlemen,
I'll be right back.

STOOGES:
Yes, sir.

You know, babe,
you're really the cat's meow.

Absolute end.

Toots, I'd love to cover you
with furs. Only the best furs.

Mink, skunk, porcupine.
Only the best for you.

LARRY:
You sure are the hubba-hubba
kid.

Hubba-hubba. Wa-hoo.

MOE:
You're right, boy.

What are you doing,
skinhead?

The professor said to do
everything that she does.

You stupe.

Ah!

[GROANS]

Hey.

You behave yourself
or I'll crown you.

"I'll crown you."
Big boss.

Baby, you send me.

Well,
why don't you go?

You know, baby,
you're the tops.

The apple of my eye.

The cranberry sauce
in my turkey.

Solid.

You know, babe,
I go for you in a big way.

Give me the word.

Say the word and you and I will
fly around the world forever.

[MOE GIGGLING]

Thrilling.

[LARRY MUMBLING]

LARRY:
Gorgeous. Oh.

Ow!

Hm.

Now we'll resume
with the lesson.

You may start serving,
Sappington.

Some olives and celery,
Miss Lulu?

Thank you, Sappington.

Thank you.

I love celery.

[CRUNCHING]

Olive, sir?

Oh, thank you.

[PLOPPING]

Hey. What's the idea
eating all those olives?

Because I like them.

[CROAKS]

Water, water.

[GLUGGING]

I was choking
on those olive pits.

I ought to choke you.

Oh, shut up.

[GROANING]

[SQUEALS]

Your soup,
Miss Lulu.

Thank you, Sappington.

Soup, sir.

[SLURPING]

[PANTING]

What's the matter?
Soup too hot?

No, too salty.

[BOTH SLURPING]

Want me some Worcestershir--
Shire sauce.

I can't say
Worcestershire.

Hey, Moe.
There's a hair on my plate.

That's no hair,
it's a crack.

It's the first time I've ever
seen a crack wiggle like that.

Oh, that's neither
hair nor there.

[BOTH SLURPING]

Boy, I love noodles.
Me too.

Uh-uh. Manners.

[SLURPING]

Boys, you do not
slurp soup.

Oh!

I don't know why, Moe,
but I'm still hungry.

It must be your tapeworm.

Delicious. Just like the cans
my mother used to make.

[SLURPING]

[MEOWS]

Now we're going to have
our first reading lesson.

Turn to page one.

Moe, you read.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Oh.

"Oh, see the pretty cat.

Does the mouse see the cat?"

Yes, the dirty rat.

Don't get personal.

Boys, boys.

Now, Joe,
you read.

"Pa-- Paga--
Paganinny."

"Paganinny"?

That's "page nine."

Oh. "Oh, see the little deer.

Does the deer have
a little doe?"

Yeah. Two bucks.

QUACKENBUSH:
Here.

Now, now.
No more of this levity. Larry.

"Oh, see the putty cat.

Does the cat have chickens?"

That's "kittens."
Cats do not have chickens.

Oh, no? Well, my cat
got in the chicken house,

and that cat had chickens.

[STOOGES LAUGHING]
Oh, no!

[BOTH MUMBLING]

[INAUDIBLE CHATTERING]

Well, here we are.

Oh, good.

Boys, remember all that you've
been taught these past weeks.

And if your debut into society
is successful tonight,

the money is yours.

Professor Quackenbush,
have no qualms or trepidations.

JOE:
We will justify your faith in us
indubitably, sir.

Precisely.
The extracurricular scholastics

and the vicissitudes
we have encountered

have elevated us to astronomical
fields of learning.

If I may be so pedantic.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Precisely.
Precisely.

Oh, fine, gentlemen.

Now, introduce the boys.

Go ahead.
Yes, sir.

Good evening, ladies.
Well, good evening.

May I present
Mr. Joe, Moe, and Larry?

Mrs. Cataracts.
How do you do?

Delighted.

Devastated.
Dilapidated.

And the Countess
Spritzwasser.

Charmed.
Enraptured.

Enchanted.
Embalmed.

You know,
this is a lovely party.

Delightful.

Champagne.

Well, Sedletz, I hope you have
your checkbook with you.

Yes, I have, and, uh,
it looks like you've won.

Yeah. Come along.

Allow me.

Oh, Joe-ington.

Yes-ington?
Did you call-ington me?

Indeed-ington.

Oh, my. You boys are so quaint.
So amusing.

Well, thank you.
I kiss your hand, Madame.

COUNTESS:
Such nice manners.

LULU:
Yes, they have done splendidly.

My, my. Isn't he charming?

COUNTESS:
Yes, indeed. So gallant.
Such nice manners.

Uh, pardon us,
ladies.

Where's that diamond?

In the safety-deposit box.

You kleptomaniac.

If that means
what I think it does...

Yeah?
I'm guilty.

Well, give it back.
Oh.

Well,
what do you know?

Somebody framed me.

You imbecile.
Pick those up.

Oh!
Go on.

[SPITTING]

Hey, hey!

What's the mat--?

What is the matter
with you?

You stupe.

I gotta find something
to cover the silverware.

What, is it raining
or something?

Oh!

Out of the way.

Now behave yourself.

Oh, boys.
I've been looking for you.

Come along with me.
Yes, sir.

Hey.
You trying to ruin us?

Give me that pie.
Oh.

Go sit down.

I gotta get rid of this.

WOMAN:
I hear there's quite a story

about these boys.

Huh?

Oh, there's one of them now.
Excuse me.

My dear young man.
Do tell me about yourself.

Well, you see, it--
Well, that is, uh--

You'll pardon me.

If you don't tell me
all about this metamorphosis,

I shall always feel
that I have missed something.

Lady,
if you don't leave right now,

you're not gonna miss anything.
I--

Young man, what's wrong?

You act as though
the Sword of Damocles

is hanging over your head.

Lady,
you must be psychic.

I wonder what's wrong
with that young man.

[GASPING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh!

You feather-brained imbecile.
Are you trying to ruin us too?

[GASPS]

You know,
you're a little bit too bossy.

Ah! Ooh.

Oh.

I'm too bossy, huh?

A wise guy.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh!

[WOMEN SHRIEKING]

[LAUGHING]

You forgot to duck.

So did you.

WOMAN:
For goodness' sake.

Oh, you.

Why, you...
No, no, no, no!

[GASPS]

Oh, how terrible.

[WOMAN SHRIEKS]

Look what you did.

Now, wait a minute,
Moe. Don't!

Oh! Oh!

No, wait.
Wait, let's call a truce.

Come on, now. Come on,
you started this.

Your drink, madam.

WOMAN:
For goodness' sake.

Pardon me, madam.

Stop it.
Stop it this minute.

You disgraceful
vagabonds!

Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

So you want to play rough,
do you?

Well...
BOTH: Wait a minute.

Now you stop that.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

WOMAN:
For goodness' sake.

Wait a minute.
Wait, I said.

[WOMAN SHRIEKS]

Thank you,
thank you for your check.

Well.

It looks like I won
after all.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLING]

Here's your check back.

A wise guy, eh?

How do you like that?

Why, you...

Oh.

[WOMAN SHRIEKS]

[♪♪♪]