25x02 - Fifi Blows Her Top

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

STOOGES:
Hello.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, fellas, help me get
this stuff out of this trunk.

I need it for a...

Aw, come on, Joe.

Snap out of it.

I just can't
get her out of my mind.

Today would have been
another anniversary.

My darling Fifi.

Aw, that was years ago.
If I could just see her--

Come on, give us a hand.

Oh, I guess you're right.

Here, fellas, we don't
need these old uniforms.

Not this one.

I wore this when
I met my Fifi.

What memories.

Wait a minute, Joe.

You're not the only one
that has memories.

I have memories too.

I was stationed in Italy,

eating hot dogs and waiting
to be mustered out.

Well, one day I felt like eating
spaghetti and meatballs,

so I went to my
favorite restaurant.

They had a waitress there:
Leilani Bagiagalupi.

I called her "Maria" for short.

Mm. Delicious.

Have a bite?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

What a sweetheart.

I should have married that girl.

Well, why didn't ya?

She didn't ask me.

( chuckles )

Hey, talk about memories?

I can see it as if it was
happening today.

I was on two weeks' leave

and I wanted to find
myself a private room.

Someone told me about one on
the Wiener Schnitzel Strasse.

WOMAN:
♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-- ♪

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Oh, I'm sorry.
You got a room for rent?

Room?
For rent?

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

I will get the mail,
and then I'll be right back.

Okay, baby. Flies.

[MOE STAMMERING]

[CRASHING]

[GASPS]

Oh.

[CRIES OUT]

Take it easy, kid.
Oh.

Mister soldier. Oh.

Why didn't you tell me
you were scrubbing the floor?

That's more dangerous
than a foxhole.

Oh, I'm so glad
to say I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not sorry, baby.

You know,
I really fell for ya.

[GIGGLES]

Ah, what a beautiful ring
das ist.

Do you like it?

That's the real McCoy:
carats.

I'll take it off
so I can show it to ya.

[RING CLATTERS]

I'll get it, sister.

[RATTLING]

Give us a hand, will ya?
Yeah.

[GRUNTING]

What happened?

See? The ring?
It is here.

Oh, it's beautiful.
Ja.

[BOTH FAWNING]

Uh-uh-uh.

[BOTH SINGING]

WOMAN:
Hold me. Hold me.

MOE:
Hold you? Hold me!

Easy, now.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[GASPS]

Oh.

Boy, I fell for Katrina
like a load of wienerwurst.

You guys were having fun,

but with me it was serious.

I was on leave in Paris.
That's where I met my Fifi.

She used to show me
the Paris sights.

Well, we used to meet every day
at a little French café

on the Rue de Schlamiel.
Well, one day...

Two orders of vichyssoise,
two orders of frog legs,

and two glasses
of Bordeaux wine.

Two orders of everything
for one man?

No, you see,
I'm expecting--

Eh?

Oh, Mr. G.I. Joe,
you weigh too much.

[CHUCKLES]

Joe.

Fifi, darling.

I've been waiting for ya.
I ordered already.

Gee, you look wonderful.

Fifi, how would you like
to come with me to America?

America?

Well, I do not know.

Tell me more.

I come from Brooklyn,
where them bums are.

"Bums"? Bombs.
They explode.

I'll say they explode.
They fall apart.

To us.

Fifi, my Fifi.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Do not polish
your shoes on me.

I didn't do nothing.
[DOG BARKING]

Oh, it's a pooch.
Go away, pooch. Go away.

Oh, mon cherie,
pardon moi.

I make a mistake.

Well, don't make
another mistake.

Fifi, marry me.
Oh, oui! Tomorrow.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

So two weeks A-W-O-L, eh?

I wrote the admiral
for a -day extension.

Ten days? I'll see
that you get years.

Don't try and make up.

I'll have you demoted to an MP.

Ooh, he is an MP.

All right, come on.

No, Joe. Joe.

Not so hard.

Good-bye, Fifi.
Oh, Joe.

I left my heart with her
on the Rue de la Pieu.

Well, I was shipped
out to sea for a year

and when I came back
I couldn't find my Fifi.

Someone said they thought
she went to America.

You know, I'd give my right eye
for just one glimpse of her.

Oh, come on, Joe.
That's life.

Come on, fellas,
let's rehearse the new act.

Oh, yeah,
I start over here.

To be or not to be.

MOE:
Hey-hey-hey, Larry.

What's the idea rehearsing
with gum in your mouth?

Throw the gum away.

JOE:
Hey!

Watch it, fellas.

I'm sorry, Joe.
All right.

All right. Pick it up
from the sound effects.

Okay.

[KNOCKING ON CHEST]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

All right already, all right.
Come in.
I'm in.

Can I speak to the lady
of the house?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm locked out and I--

That sounds like
Fifi's voice.

Pinch me, see if I'm dreamin'.

Ow, not so hard.

Joe.

Fifi.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

My sweetheart, darling.

No, no, Joe.

I'm married, a long time.

I was afraid you
would never come back.

My Fifi married?

Only this morning,
my husband and I,

we moved in across
the hall from you.

I can't take it.

I'll never let you go.
I'll never let you go.

Hey, Larry, make some cocktails.

We're gonna need 'em.

Mon dieu,
my husband is not at home,

and I accidentally locked
myself out of my apartment.

Will you please telephone
the landlady?

Oh, be glad to.
Sure, don't get excited.

I'm all right.
I'm all right.

Fifi, the landlady must be out.
There's no answer.

Joe!

Joe, bring me a towel.

Okay, Moe.

Oh, Moe,
what did you do here?

Clean yourself out.

There, that's got it.

LARRY:
Hey, Joe, come here.

Oh, all right, all right.
I wish I had four hands.

Help him.

What do you want?

Get me some cocktail glasses,
will ya?

Cocktail glasses.

Oh, boy. Green or--

[CRIES OUT]

[SIGHS]

Moe, you--
You're all stuck up.

I'll stuck you up.

Sorry, Moe.

[WHINES]

What happened?

With you a cocktail
shaker's a w*apon.

Let me have it.

Come on, let me have it.

It's my idea.

[FIFI SCREAMS]

JOE:
Oh, my Fifi.

You stoops.

He made me do it.

You're a snitch.

Oh, oh, my dress.

How will I explain
it to my husband?

Go take your dress off.

There's a pair of pajamas
in the bedroom.

You put 'em on
and we'll dry your dress.

Thank you too much.

Hey, go heat an iron.

Yeah. Hey, go heat an iron.

Shut up.

Not so loud.

[CRIES OUT]

Go heat an iron.

Don't press me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I guess I told him.

Get out...
That's good for him.

That's bad for me.

MOE: Now, behave yourself.
JOE: Don't you try me.

I wash the cocktail out but...

Oh, I'll have Larry
press that in a hurry.

Oh, mon dieu, I must
get back to my apartment

before my husband gets home.

He's a wild man
and he's mean to me.

Why, that skunk.

Come on.
Step on it.

It was your fault
in the first place.

Don't talk to me that way.
I'm superstitious.

Oh, yeah?

Oh yeah.
Oh yeah?

Well, let me tell you something.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me
tell you something.

I smell somethin' awful.

Well, don't brag about it.

No, I mean I smell
something burning.

That's me sizzling.

[BOTH SNIFFING]

Uh-oh, I made a boo-boo.

Give me that dress.

Wait a minute, I--
Give me--

I'll stamp you in a minute.

My dress!
It is ruined.

Well, he made me do it.

Ow! Ow.

What will I do?

I must get back
to my apartment.

Hey, I just remembered where
the landlady keeps her pass key.

I'll go get it.

Hurry up, Joe. Get it.
I'm so worried.

Don't worry.
He's gonna get the key.

Won't be minutes, will it?
we'll have you back.

[KNOCKING]

MAN:
Fifi, open the door. It's me.

It's my husband.

What will I do?

Hide, quick,
in the trunk.

Hurry up.

Fifi, open the door.

Fellas, can I use your phone?
The line's busy.

It'll only take a second.

Ess-dray on the able-tay.
What?

Ess-dray on the able-tay.

No answer.
She's not home.

Oh, thanks for the use
of the phone, fellas.

BOTH:
That's okay.

Hey.

Pardon me, but your shirt tail
is hangin' out.

Oh-ho-ho.
Careless of me.

Hey, that's a funny
shirt you're wearing.

White in front
and flowered in back?

Well, it's a new style.

Yeah. Ivy League.

Ivy League.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, fellas.
I got it. I got it.

Where's Fifi?
Shh.

Fifi?

Fifi. That's our dog.

Don't you call her a dog.

Well, well, she's a Fifi.

I mean, she's French--
A French poodle.

Australian, German,
Swiss on the other side,

and they don't grow very large.

Just like a little mouse.
Teeny like that.

Squeak, squeak, squeak.

She could hide anywhere.

[WHISPERING]
That's Fifi's husband.

Oh, her husband? Oh.

Her husband?

Here, Fifi. Fifi.
Oh, Fifi.

Joe?
No.

Hey, fellas,
I just remembered.

Fifi went to see a dog
about a man.

Oh.

You know, it's a funny thing.
My wife's name is Fifi.

Your wife's name is--?
What a coincidence.

His wife's name's Fifi.

What a coincidence.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Fifi.
She's the same name as Fifi.

Well, I-- I guess
I'll be running along.

Oh, that wife of mine
isn't home.

I just moved in across
the hall today.

And that stupid wife of mine
went away and locked me out.

Well, why don't you sort of--

Hey, why don't you see
the landlady about another key?

Hey, I got a-- Headache.

Now, why didn't I
think of that?

Good idea. Thanks.

Well, bye.

So long.

Skip the gutter.

Break a leg.

Quick.
It worked.

We better get Fifi
back to her apartment

before her husband gets back.
Get the trunk.

Okay.

I'll open up the door.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MAN:
Fellas, can I see you
a minute please?

Okay. It's okay.
Let him in.

[SCREAMS]

The landlord's gone.

I was thinking maybe your key
would open my apartment.

Oh, no, that's impossible.

Our key was made
out of a little piece of steel.

When I get my hands
on that wife of mine,

I'll break her neck.

I wish I'd never married her.

Me too.

I mean, why don't you
get a divorce?

I intend to.

I've got my next wife
all picked out.

I'm a little sick of this one.
Oh, howdy, ma'am.

Aw, you sly dogs.

Why didn't you tell me
you had a-- Lady!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Now, now, now, Fifi--
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Now, Fifi,
I didn't mean a word I said.

Please, Fifi, your temper.
Fifi.

Thank you. Thank you.

Here, use this.
Thank you.

Fifi!

FIFI:
You wife deserter!

[CUCKOO CLUCKING]

Fifi, your temper.
Please, I want to explain.

I keep telling you I can
explain, Fifi-- Please.

Your temper, you--

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
That a girl, Fifi.

[GASPING]

Oh, oh, mon cherie,
I'm so sorry.

Je vous aime.

Ooh, she still loves me.