03x05 - A Pain in the Pullman

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[SQUEAKS]

CURLY: Oh, boy, am I hungry.

MOE: Come on and rehearse.

What are you doin'?

It oughta show some place
in here

how to cook a monkey.

Joe's right.
We can't eat the act.

But I-- I'm starved.

I can't dance
on an empty stomach.

We gotta keep in practice.

We may get a job someday.
Come on.

Wait a minute.

What's that?

Plenty of sole and heel.

Come on, come on.

Come on. Oh! Oh, please. Ooh.

Come on. We wanna rehearse.

Come on. Get up.

MOE: Come on. The finale.

[ALL CHANTING]

Well, why the tragic pose?

You seem all excited.

Those idiots across the hall

are driving me crazy
with their hoofing.

Well, don't worry, my darling,

for I, Paul Pain,

shall see they disturb you
no more.

[ALL CHANTING]

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

Say, what's the idea with--?

What--?

[HEADS BONK]

Now, see here.

What is all this rumpus?

We're actors
and we gotta rehearse.

Say, who are you, anyway?

I? I'm Paul Pain,

the heartthrob of millions!

What's a heartthrob?

A pain in the neck.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[BONK] Ooh!

[GRUMBLES]

Ooh!

[SQUEAKS] MOE: It's all right.

[SQUEAKS]

Look!

LARRY: Get off of there!

Joe. Joe!
CURLY: Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[ALL LAUGHING]
A balding heartthrob!

[GRUMBLES]

Hey, hit somebody your size.

[GROANING]

Up, Joe.

Come on. Ready boys?

Right.

Toodle-loo.

[GRUMBLES] I'll show them.

Paul, don't start anything now.

We'll be on the train
in an hour.

Oh, yeah? Well, they can't
poke fun at me.

[GROANS]

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGS]

Hello?

MAN:
This is Goldstein, Goldberg,

Goldblatt and O'Brien,

booking agents.

O'Brien speaking.

Yes, O'Brien speaking.

I wanna talk
to the Three Stooges.

Oh, just a minute.
I'll call them.

[SINGSONGY]
Telephone for the Three Stooges.

[STOOGES CHATTER]

[GRUNTS] Hello.

Ooh.

Hello. Away.

Hello? Hello.

Hello-- Oh.

Listen, I got a job
for you in a show.

We want you should fill in
for a sick act

in the panics of .

Be over at the lakeside depot,

and see Mr. Johnson,
the manager of the show.

Yes. BOTH: Yes.

Yes. BOTH: Yes.

Yes. BOTH: Yes.

Oh, yes. Yes! BOTH: Yes?

What is it? What is it? Yes!

Ooh, yes.

But "yes" what?

A job.

[WHOOPS]

Hey, uh, are we all packed?

Right. Right.

Get it up.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[SIZZLES]

[PAINED WHOOPS]

[GROANS]

Come on. Get this trunk up.

Come on, now. Get going.

How far do I carry this?

Just down to the depot.
Come on, Joe.

Come on, Joe.

Shh. Shh.

We gotta sneak by the landlady.

You know we owe her plenty.
Now, go on.

CURLY: I'm not gonna
do it anymore, I tell you.

MOE: Be quiet.

Say, this is heavy.
I can't carry this.

I need some help.
Stop screwin' around!

What do you think I am, a mule?

You heard me, now.
I don't want any more arguments.

Drop the whole thing. All right.

[TRUNK THUDS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Say, that's a nice shirt.

How long you wear
a shirt like that?

Oh, about down to there.

Oh, three or four days, eh?

CURLY: I have something to say--

And where do you think
you're going

without paying the rent?

We were just on our way
to hock the trunk

so we could pay you.

Hey, hock a trunk
for me too, will you?

[GROANS]

Oh, no you don't.
I'll call a policeman.

There's no sense in calling
a policeman, lady. I'm a G-man.

What's all the fuss?

I want you to arrest these men.

You're under arrest.

Get that trunk along
as evidence.

All right. Come on now.

LARRY: Sorry, G-man.

I'll see that they get
time-and-a-half overtime plus.

Don't worry about it, toots.

Thank you.
That's very nice of you.

[GASPS]

[SHRIEKING]

Well, I got you out of that.

Help, police!

I've been robbed.

Police!

[SHOUTS]

MOE: Come on, fellas.

Come on.

Hey, come on.
Never mind the trunk.

Do you have a title? Here.

Bob Burns. Here.

Ah, how do you do, Mr. Pain?

Hello, Johnson.

Your drawing room's all ready.

That's lovely. Yeah.

Hi, everybody. Hi. Hello.

We're the Three Stooges
and Company.

Say, how about our reservations.

Oh, yes. The Three Stooges.
Now, wait. You're in, um--

[SQUEAKS]

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Give me that.

Johnson, if that monkey
gets on this train,

I quit.

Leave it to me.
I'll take care of it.

Oh, don't talk to me.

Put that monkey
in the baggage car.

He might get hurt.

I said he goes
in the baggage car,

or you guys don't work.
Now scram.

MAN: All aboard.

Get up. Go on.
To the baggage car. Come on.

Hurry up, now.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey, hey, hey!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What'll we do with the monk now?

Let's put him in the bag.

Hurry up. Shh. Quiet now.

Get in there.

Quiet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ALL GIGGLING]

Oh, hiya, girls.
Meet the Three Stooges:

Comedy, singing, dancing
and snappy dialogue.

After we get settled,

I'll find a little time
for you, shorty.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Spread out.

Oh, jealous, eh?

Will this do, sir?
Hm. Fresh crab and champagne?

Should please anybody.

Say, baby, can you tell us
where we boys bunk tonight?

Why, yes. That's your
drawing room down there.

Okay, honeysuckle,
we'll be seeing you later.

All right, boys.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Whew.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Oh, just in time for lunch.

MOE: What is that?

CURLY:
Why, ignoramus, don't you know?

Why, it looks like--

Well, wise guys, what is it?

It's a spider. Turtle.

Tryin' to kid somebody, eh?

I knew it was a turtle
all the time.

[BONK] Sit down.

What do you do with it?

Why, you eat it.
Wait a minute, now.

I'll cut you a slice.

Get your hand outta there.

[BONK] [GROANS]

[KNOCKS]

WOMAN: Come in.

How do like that?

Everything will be all right.
We'll get this straightened out.

Hey, you dropped your serviette.

Oh, thank you.

[CRACKS] [SHRIEKS]

[LAUGHS]

Ooh, the place has got mice.

There we are.

Want some?

Oh, I just love crab.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
She don't know it's a turtle.

[CHUCKLES]

[CRUNCHES]

You ain't eatin' the best stuff.

Like it?

Yeah, but I don't like
the stuffing.

[CRUNCHES]

I don't know why
they put in that stuff.

[LOUD CRUNCH]

I like these little points.

[COUGHS]

Yeah, I like these
little points.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah.
Crack that for me, will you?

Certainly.

[EXCLAIMS]

[SHRIEKS]

[COUGHS]

[SHRIEKS]

[COUGHS, SPLUTTERS]

Oh, bubble water.

[STOMACH RATTLES]

[RATTLING]

[WHOOPS]

What are you hams doing
in this drawing room?

Ooh, Johnson!

PAIN: Johnson!

[THUDS HEAD, GROANS]

PAIN: Johnson!

Johnson.

What's the meaning of this?

Well, this sicko loony
tried to crash our party.

What do you mean by invading
the star's drawing room?

What do you mean by invading
the star's drawing room?

[SHRIEKS] It was a mistake.

Here, have this refilled.

Now, come on,
and get out of here.

Come on. Get out.

Get out. We didn't know.

Get out!

Oh, a cheapie, eh?

Get out.

Say, where's our drawing room?

Your berth's up there.

What? Three in one?

Yeah. What about it?

Well, that's
what I thought you said.

And if I hear another sound
out of you birds,

I'll have you
thrown off the train.

CURLY: Okay, boss. Now be quiet.

I gotta get some sleep.

Take your luggage for you, boss.

[JOE SQUEAKING]

[JOE SHRIEKS] [SCREAMS]

Easy, easy.

[PASSENGERS SHOUTING]

MAN: We're trying to sleep.

Where's the monk? He's gone.

Cal him up, now, will you? Joe?

LARRY AND CURLY: Joe?

[SQUEAKS] MOE: Come on, Joe.

LARRY: It's our meal ticket.

[SLEEPILY] Mother, dear.

At last, you're here.

STOOGES: Joe? Joe? Joe?

Kiss me, darling.

Hey, Joe. Come on, Joe.

WOMAN: What's the matter, dear?

I'm lookin' for Joe.

WOMAN: Come to my arms, my pet.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

It's good to see you, dear.

It's good to see you too.

Why didn't you write?

I don't know your address.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, my sweet.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

[WHIMPERS]

[SCREAMS]

Johnson!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[THUDS HEAD, GROANS]

WOMAN: Johnson!

[SMACKS] [GROANS]

What's the matter?

Mr. Johnson,
did you meet Miss--?

This peeping Tom tried
to kiss me in my sleep.

I though she wanted
to play post office.

If you guys don't go to sleep,
I'll brain you.

Now, get to bed.

I guess he wants us
to go to sleep.

Yeah, come on, get up.

Up you go. All right.

Get cozy now.

All right. Easy.

[GRUNTING]

Whoa.

Get me loose.

Get your foot out of my fist.

You're spoiling the wardrobe.

Let me down.

Get up, you.

Where you going? Wait a minute.

I'll let you go in
a minute. Yeah.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Whoa.

You wanna go, eh?

Come here.

What do you think I am,
a toe dancer?

Wait a minute.
Get me a couple of suitcases.

I got an idea.

Okay.

[COUGHING]

[GARGLES] [THUMPING]

[DRUNKENLY]
What's that noise out there?

Easy now.

CURLY:
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[ALL GRUNT]

[THUDS HEAD, GROANS]

What are you guys doin'?

We're sleepin'.

[SNORING]
Get back in your berth.

MOE: Come on, get up
there. Didn't you hear the boss?

Say, what's going on out here?

[GROANS]
MOE: Come on, you're next.

Hey, I'll help you.

[GRUNTS]

[ALL GROAN]

Hey, puddinghead, come here.

Now, porcupine,
you're going up there this time.

Cup your hands.
Get your foot up there.

Put him right in.
Away. Right, ready.

Right!

[SHOUTS]

Where is he? He's gone.

I wonder where he could be.

Here I am.

Get down off of there.
What's the matter with you?

What's going on down there?

We can't get in our berth.

I'll be right down.

Say, will you help us
get up there?

I suppose I'd better,
or you'll keep me up all night.

Okay. Come on.

Come on.

Take it easy with me, will you?

[BOTH GROANS]

Oh, Nelly, you're here at last.

You got me wrong, stranger.

[GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

[WHOOPS]

[LARRY AND MOE GROAN]

You big lummox.
You wanna give me birthmarks?

I'm a victim of circumstance.

Lay down. Move over.

[SNORES]

Hey. Hmm?

Wake up and go to sleep. Huh?

Maybe if we take our clothes
off, we'll have more room.

Good idea. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

One guy at a time.

ALL: Okay.

[YELPS]

Lay down.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[SCREAMS]

What's the matter with you?

A dog bit me. Ah, come on.

Give me room.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[THUDS HEAD, GROANS]

Aren't you guys asleep yet?

Certainly. I dreamed we saw
a swimming pool, so we dove in.

JOHNSON:
Well, dive back in that berth,

or I'll make you dive
off this train.

Nightmares you had to have, huh?

Yeah, but this
was in Technicolor.

[YELPS]

What was with you?

I'm a light sleeper.

Oh, light sleeper, eh?

What are you gonna do with that?

[LARRY AND CURLY GROAN]

What's all this noise?
How can I sleep?

PAIN: Johnson!

[THUDS HEAD, GROANS]

Johnson!

[GROANS]

I'm sorry, Mr. Pain.
It won't happen again.

Well, see that it don't.

JOHNSON: It's all right,
it won't happen anymore.

[SHOUTS]

[SCREAMS]

[JOE SQUEAKS]

[THUDS] PAIN: Help! Somebody!

[SHOUTING]

Johnson!

What's the matter now?

That monkey,
that infernal beast.

He was in my bed.
He bit me, I tell you.

JOHNSON: Why, that's impossible.

I had him put
in the baggage car.

PAIN: Oh, did you?
Well, he was in here.

[JOE SQUEAKING]

Where's that monkey?

We put him in the baggage car
like you said, boss.

What's that I hear?

Oh, you shouldn't believe
everything you hear.

JOHNSON: That monkey's
in this car somewhere,

and I'm gonna find it.

[PASSENGERS SHRIEKING]

[JOE SQUEALS] [SCREAMS]

Oh, there he is.

[SQUEALING]

[TRAIN BEEPING]

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

Who pulled that cord?

They did!

PORTER: Come on, get outta here.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Take it easy now. Wait a minute.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[SHOUTS]

[CURLY WHOOPS]

[ALL WHOOPING]

[MOOING]

[♪]