03x03 - Half Shot sh**t

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[♪]

[MACHINE g*ns FIRING,
BOMBS WHISTLING, EXPLOSIONS]

[SNORING]

What are you waking me up for?

Something hit me in the head,

is there a b*llet hole there?

No b*llet's going through
that skull.

Hey, what's eatin' ya?

Mosquiter. I can't sleep.

Well, lay down
or I'll put you to sleep.

Come on. Ooh!

[BUZZING]

Agh!

What's the matter, you nuts?

Get down! Oh!

I saw it again!

I'll m*rder ya, I tell ya.

I'll m*rder ya. Stay down.

Pipe down, you guys.

You're spoiling
the whole w*r for me.

What of it?

Nothin', I was just sayin'.

Then go back to sleep
and keep quiet.

[SNORING]

That's great news, major.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Cease firing. The w*r is over.

The w*r is over!

Oh, boy, hurray!

The w*r is over! Hurray!

Well, I'll be...

Ooh! Comrade, comrade,
comrade...

Oh, it's only you, sargie.

So you're still yellow.

Not me. I'm in the pink.

[CRIES OUT]

Oh-wo-wo-wo-wo. Oh.

Now you're in the black.

[BOTH YELL]

What happened?

[COCK g*ns]

BOTH: Oh!

Put up those g*ns,
you bloomin' idiots!

We could enjoy this w*r,
if it wasn't for you.

Yeah, well it's too late now.

The w*r is over.
They called it off.

Viva la France!

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Mazel tov.

L'chayim.

La-la-la-la-la.

Get outta here.
I'll give you a whack--

I'll knock your brains...

[CRIES OUT]

Drop it! Oh, my arm.

All right, all right.

Ya mug.

CURLEY: Never mind him.

We're going home.

Whoop, whoop, whoop. Home.

Whoopee! Hurray! Home!

BOTH: Yeah!

Lafayette, we have come.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Hiya, sarge.

Thanks, pal.

For what?

For this.

And this. And this.

Heh. Thanking me
for beatin' you up?

Sure, they decorated us.

They thought we were
wounded in action.

Look.

Say, this discharge means
we're through, don't it?

Yeah.

And we don't have to take
any more orders from you?

That's right, so what?

That's all we wanted to know.

No hard feelings,
is there, sarge?

Nah.

Heh, heh.

[CRIES OUT]

Get to the porch.

Get to the porch.

I'll let you out in a minute.

I'll have you
court-martialled for this!

Ah, sargie, break arms, eh? Ow!

Peeling potatoes, eh?

Ooh! Step aside.

Washing the floors, eh? Ow.

Blackin' people's eyes, eh?

Ooh! Oh, tough guy, huh?

[WHOOPING]

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

So long, sarge.

Toodle-loo.

Ah reservoir.

I'll get even with you for this.

Attention.

About-face.

Time... marches on.

[DRUMMING NOISE]

[FLUTE NOISE]

Look.

Oh, boy, look at this.

Look at this!

Some people have all the luck.

Boy, could I tear
that chicken to smithereenies.

[WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]

Ouch!

How do ya like that?!

Hey, hey! What's the idea--?

[ALL YELLING]

Hey, you guys!

Hey, I got a good notion
to bust you right now...

What's the matter, fella?

Oh, you thought
you'd get away, huh?

Oh, a face-slapper, eh?

I ought to have
you all arrested.

[CRIES OUT]

For two cents I'll punch you
right in the face.

Well, here's the two cents.

Well, I raised my price.

Aw, listen, mister,
we don't mean any harm.

We're hungry.

You know where we can get a job?

Why, you've got your ner...

I'm sorry I lost my temper. Heh.

Go in the building, boys,

up to Room ,
and ask for Burke.

They're looking for men.

Just say you wanna sign up.

Aw, you're a regular
feller after all. Heh.

And if you wanna,
you can smack me again.

[CRIES OUT]

By golly, he did it.

[LAUGHS]

See ya tomorrow, captain.
So long.

So long.

Is this Room ?

Sure, come right in.

Ignoramus, take off your hat.

A man downstairs said
you could use some men.

You wanna sign up?

Certainly, what do you think
we're here for?

Sign right here.

It's a pleasure.

LARRY: Oh, a job at last.

What are you gonna do
with all the money?

Hey, I think there's something
screwy going on around here.

Every time you think,
you weaken the nation.

Sign.

But-- But, but, but, but.

Go on, sign.
I'll crack your head open.

Go on, go on. Oh!

Take these over to Fort Stinger.

Those papers we signed
were to join the Army?

Of course.
You're in the Army now.

Oh, no. We quit.

Fine.

[ALL YELL]

Well, as I live.

I'm seeing things,
three of them.

Boys, you remember
Sergeant MacGillicuddy?

Yeah, his mother and
my mother are both mothers.

No, he helped us win the w*r.

BURKE: Sergeant.

Take these men
over to Fort Stinger.

They're in your charge.

With pleasure.

You wanted a job, huh?

What's the matter with you?

You, box cars wasn't good enough
for you, was it?

I don't know. I'm a stowaway.

Well, stow this away. Oh!

Leave him alone, will ya?

I'll leave him alone.
I'll give ya:

Break it up, break it up.

Come on, boys.

I kind of forgot myself
for a minute, gentlemen.

Medical exam: okay.

Thank you, sir.

Here we are,
bosom friends again.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGH]

Uh, gee, sarge, you're a pal.

Sit down.

[YELLS] [LAUGHS]

Oh, now, listen, sarge.

You're gonna let bygones
be bygones, ain't ya?

Sure, sure.

Get over at that trough.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna give you
the detonation test.

Detonation? If I got it,
can I get cured?

Yeah.

It's a test to see
if your eardrums

will stand the sh**ting
of the big g*ns.

That's a new one on me.

Yeah, I just thought of it.

Now, when I say go,

duck your heads
under that water, and hold it.

For how long?

I'll tell you when to come up.

Get ready.

Ready?

Go!

[ALL YELL]

My ears!

[ALL JABBERING INDISTINCTLY]

I can't hear! What?

What? Oh, my ears!

[JABBERING INDISTINCTLY]

All right.

What? Come on, let's go, boys.

MOE: I can't hear ya!

Here are those recruits, sir.

Can't hear a thing.

Attention!

Ooh!

Ooh!

[YELLS]

Where were you born?

What?

Where were you born?

I don't know what he's sayin'.

[LOUDLY] Where were you born?

He says your pants are torn.

I ain't got any horn.

No, not worn, corn.

What?

Corn!

Oh, corns.
I got two on both dogs.

Can you tell me where I can get
a corn plaster, shorty?

I-I...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Now, where were you born?

Oh, born!

Upstairs in the front room.

Fine soldiers
for the coast a*tillery.

Wouldn't know
a shell from a boat.

What?

He said you smell like a goat.

Oh, yeah?

Thanks. The same to you.

Remember your place.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

What's wrong with you men?

We're hungry.

We ain't eaten in a week.

Oh, that's it.

Sergeant, get these men
some food.

Yes, sir.

Now to continue:

were you born in this country?

What?

Were you born in this country?

No, Milwaukee.

Would you fight
for this great republic?

Republican?

No, I'm a Democrat.

Not me, I'm a pedestrian.

[GROANS]

This is all I could find, sir.

See what you can do
with these men.

I give up.

Throw away those tomatoes!

Throw 'em away, I say!

What--?

[STAMMERS]

This is an outrage!

[WHISTLING]

Hiya, general.

Here you are.

If you clean enough of those
loving cups,

you can expect a rate
in the Army.

Wait a minute, where's Larry?

[SLURRING] Here I am.

Attention.

[YELLS]

[YELLS]

[CRIES OUT] [LAUGHS]

[YELLS]

"Order number -G,

"heavy ordinance
gunnery practice.

"g*n crew six, seven and
eight, in order of name,

"will fire on obsolete
radio-controlled cruiser,

"which will pass fort
at , yards.

"Crew making best record of hits

will receive citation
and two weeks leave of absence."

Get to your posts.

Go to the powder tunnel
and bring shells and powder

as fast as you can,
and no slip-ups.

Hurry up!

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. I understand.

Target practice postponed

until arrival of
Admiral Hawkins' flagship

on inspection crews.

Dismiss the crew.

[WHISTLE]

Fall in.

Target practice postponed.

Right foot, forward march.

Admiral Hawkins' flagship

is steaming up the bay
for maneuvers, sir.

ALL: ♪ You'll never
know Just what tears are ♪

♪ Hear you crying
Like you made me-- ♪

Here we are, boys, here we are.

Where's the sergeant
and the g*n crew?

Maybe it's between halves.

Hold that.

Oh, thanks.

Come on, get outta here.

Come on, get busy.

Hup. Hup.

[YELLING]

[GRUNTS] [YELLS]

Get outta the way.
You're in the way.

All right, get it in there.

Come on.

Ow! My finger.

♪ Oh, the first shell
Went in there ♪

♪ Then it goes
Around and around ♪

♪ Whoa-ohhh Ohhhh-ohhh ♪

♪ And it goes Out there ♪

Hey, fellas!

Look.

That's the boat we're supposed
to use for a target.

What'll we do? Target?

I don't see no bull's-eye on it.

We'll take the bull by the horns
and fire it ourselves.

Come on, I know how
to cock a cannon.

Right. Right.

Right. Right.

Right. Right. Wait a minute.

Everything all right?

Right. Right. Come on.

Holding right range,
got that?

Easy now.

g*n range, okay.

LARRY: ♪ g*n range Okay ♪

ALL: ♪ g*n range Okayyy ♪

Hey, I wonder what this is.

I don't know,
pull it and find out.

Okay.

Who fired that g*n?

I don't know, sir.

Come on, hurry!

It went off!

Yeah, but you missed the boat.

Reload.

Aim the g*n!

Longitude by five.

Latitude right.

You're going the wrong way.

Right!

Make a right.

Left!

Latitude right!

Left! You're going
the wrong way.

Right.

Left. Latitude right.

Right! Left!

Ready? Fire!

I don't know where
that one landed,

but I hope it didn't hit
the pool room.

On the lateral. Right.

On the bias. Bias.

Lateral .

Hike.

Sixty-one, , , three.
Eighty-one, , five, hike!

Hike. Hike.

[CANNON FIRES]

Ready, men?

Fifty. Sixty. Seventy.

I got . Who'll make it ?

Seventy I got once,
twice, three times.

Sold, to the man with
the curly locks.

Whoo-ee! A bull's-eye!

With that kind of sh**ting,

we ought to get
six months with pay.

Hey! Hey!

Attention!

Oh!

Who fired those sh*ts?

ALL: I did.

Let's get this straight: I did.

And boy, was that a shot
or was that a shot?

Well, you hit
the admiral's flagship.

Why did you hit
the admiral's flagship?

Why'd you hit
the admiral's flagship?

I seen my duty, and I did it.

Well I see my duty,
and I'll do it.

See that?

[CRIES OUT]

The admiral's flagship, eh?

The admiral's flagship, eh?

LARRY: You seen your duty--

Hey! Stop it!

Nah, he seen his duty,
and he done it.

You're a slow guy, sargie.

Oh, sure.
Now line up there nicely.

Yeah, right in a straight line.

Now hold it, and look pleasant.

I'll be right back.

Hey, what's he gonna give us?

I don't know. Maybe he's gonna

take our picture.

Maybe he is at that. He w--

[ALL YELLING]

Now hold it.

[CANNON FIRES]

[expl*si*n]

[♪]