01x01 - Dear Diary-et al

[bunniefuu]

You see before you... me, Gidget.

For and a half years,
my life was a complete and total ick.

But then, on the rd of June,
two things happened.

I fell in love...
with two things...

Jeff, my Moondoggie,

and surfing.

I am happy to report
that falling in love...

was as easy and natural
as learning how to surf.

The moment we met, we knew
we were meant for each other.

Get lost.

I'll never forget the first
time he told me he loved me.

Hey, what was your name again?

You know somethin'?
You are kinda cute.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

Jeff and I drifted happily
through the summer months.

Ours was a world of sun and fun and
all the wonders of young romance...

Until the night
I suddenly realized...

Jeff soon would be going
back east to college...

and I'd be left facing
a different world.

Well, more about that later.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch,
there are some people I'd like you to meet.

This, loosely speaking,
is my family.

The handsome, sensible-looking
set of tweeds is my father.

He's only the best
English professor at UCLA...

and the most terrific father
living...

Mainly because he makes a
practice of not working at it.

The one over by the window,
chewing her fingernails down to the nub,

is my sister, Anne...

Miss "name your psychosis"
of the year.

Her heart's in the right place,
but, ever since Mother d*ed,

Annie's maternal instinct
has been working overtime.

And she gets plenty of help
from that other character...

who happens to be
an A , first-class nut.

He's her husband, John,
and he's studying to be a psychologist.

Which is great, because if ever
anybody needed a headshrinker,

it's Sister Annie.

But you know how it is.
The shoemaker's kids go barefoot...

and the psychologist's wife
stays flaky.

Dad. It is now
five minutes after : .

That late? Well, by all means,
you two run along home.

That's not what I meant.
I mean Gidget.

Why isn't she home?
What's she doing at this hour?

Here.

I don't know what she's doing,
but I am blitzing your husband.

Oh, no, you're not. Gin.

Oh, yes, you are.

Dad. You're being entirely
too permissive with Gidget.

She's right, Russ.

Permissiveness is out.
Strong discipline is in.

Okay. How about
disciplining yourself...

to pay me $ . ?

You see? You see?
You wonder where she gets it?

From you. You ignore
emotional problems...

and concern yourself
only with mundane facts.

And...
here's his most mundane.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetie.

Gidget, do you realize it is
now five minutes after : ?

That late?

Well, then by all means,
you two run along.

Oh, Dad, will you
talk to her? Absolutely.

Have fun?

Mildly tragic.
I have a problem.

I've had a couple
of my own this evening.

I'm getting a sense
of deep hostility.

Now who's looking only at facts?

Good night, everyone.
I have to go upstairs and suffer.

What does she mean by that?

It probably means
that she's had some slight

difference of opinion with Jeff,

which will no doubt
mark her for life.

You think not?
You think not? I think not.

Good night, children.
And I use the word advisedly.

Good night, Dad.

Larue! Will you please
not argue?

I need your help.
I'm utterly destroyed.

Don't tell me.
You broke up with Jeff.

No. Just the opposite.
I still have his ring.

And this destroys you?
I should have such destruction.

You don't understand, Larue.

Of course it's wonderful
having his ring,

but suddenly,
driving home, it hit me...

that I'm all this younger
than he is.

He found out you're only
and a half?

Oh, no.
I'm still to him.

The point is, he'll be going
back to Princeton next week.

And going steady may be fine
for him at his age,

but it just doesn't seem right that I
should sit around for the whole year...

and die on the vine.

Well, actually,
it wouldn't be fair to him.

I mean, what man,
when he gets married,

wants to have as a wife
some unsophisticated dodo...

who's never been around
or met people or anything?

I guess you got a problem.
What are you gonna do about it?

I'm not sure yet.

I've gotta do
some heavy thinking.

Honey. Just a minute.

Gotta hang up... visit from the parent.
Talk to you tomorrow.

Hi. They go?

Yeah. Boy, they act
years old... apiece.

It's a good thing they got married.
Saves two other people.

That's a fine way
to talk about your sister.

Oh, Annie's all right.
She means well. But John...

Dad, do you really think John will
ever make it... being a psychologist?

That's what he's studying for.

Personally,
I think it's a toss-up...

Whether they'll let him
practice or... put him away.

Something go wrong this
evening? Any real problems?

Nothing I can't
mishandle myself.

Just normal agony. Yeah.

That's good.

Good night. Good night.

I called Jeff this morning
and told him straight out...

that it would be best for his
sake if I continued to date...

even if he didn't.

He agreed to think it over
and call me back.

Meanwhile,
to pass the time of day,

I decided to make some
extra entries in my diary.

"And then, dear diary,
I knew I had no choice but to give in,

and he kissed me as he's
never kissed me before."

And I... And I got
goose pimples all over.

Blech.

And I fainted dead away?

Yech.

Sank into nothingness.

Just a sec.

Sank...

into...

nothingness.

Oh, hi, Jeff.

Hi. Hold it.
Sisterville.

If you're looking for Dad,
he's at the office.

No. I was just
out shopping and...

Well, actually,
I stopped by to see you, Gidget.

Oh?

Okay. Rest the bones.

Thanks.

Um, as John says,

when a girl your age
stays out until all hours...

and then comes home
with a problem,

there has to be some
deep-rooted whatchamacallit.

And I thought...

Well, what I'm really
trying to say is,

why don't you and I have
a little talk, dear?

Well, sure, but could we
make it some other time?

This happens to be
an awfully busy year.

Oh, certainly.
We can...

Dear.

Jeff, don't interrupt.

I've got something very
important to talk to you about.

"Sank into nothingness"?

But, Jeff, you don't understand.

Of course I understand, Gidge.
I think you've got an excellent point.

The only difference is each of us
will date others... for both our sakes.

Both date? But that's the most
unfair thing I ever heard of.

You wanna date other women?

That's all our love... the whole
summer, the beach... has meant to you?

In that case, I never want to see
you or the Pacific Ocean again.

Only the direst emergency could
ever make me go back there.

Now I've gotta have
a dire emergency.

Larue.

John? Oh, John, you were
so right about Gidget.

If only Daddy
had listened to you.

Oh, it's terrible.
The worst.

Well, I warned him. It was obvious
that was the way she was heading.

Listen, darling, meet me at Dad's
office right away, and we'll tell him.

Excellent idea.

Anne! Wait.
Tell him what?

What's the panic?
What happened?

The worst.

What's all that stuff,
for gosh sakes? Protection.

How many times do I have to tell you?
I'm allergic to the sun.

Please. That's the least
of my problems.

We headed for the beach,
and I had plenty of time...

to mull over my discovery that being
honest isn't always the best policy.

But if you're honest,

all you can do is settle back and
live with the trouble it brings.

I was telling Larue... never,
never try to deal honestly with a man.

They simply do not know
how to cope with it.

When a woman like myself
comes along...

and tries to be direct, open,
honest, completely unselfish,

it throws them for a loop.

Well, I've learned my lesson.
I'm through with Jeff once and for all.

You're through with him?
Then what are we doing at the beach?

I'm gonna give him
a second chance.

♪ There he is.

Now that he's had time
to think things over,

I'll bet he's as upset
and overwrought as I am.

He doesn't look
so overwrought to me.

That's because
you're not in love with him.

When you're in love,
you see things differently.

You sure do, but I still don't
see where I figure in all this.

Simple.
You are a dire emergency.

Obviously, I can't just walk up to
him and offer him a second chance.

Why not?
I do it all the time.

Can I help it
if my very best friend...

insists on coming to the beach
and makes me come with her?

What can I do? I'm warning you.

If I start to blister,
the next thing you know, I'll vomit and...

You won't.
Just put your stuff on.

Now, the idea is...

we both sit on the beach
near him, but not too close.

And then I'll be very big
about this whole thing,

give him every opportunity
to come up and talk...

and gradually make up with me.

Fortunately for him,
I'm not the petty type.

If you ask me,
you wanna have your cake and eat it too.

Not at all, Larue.
It's pure, unadulterated logic.

Sure.

Now, all we have to do is find a
spot where he can't miss seeing us.

That's not going
to be a problem.

Come on. Let's catch him
off his guard, surprise him.

You in there? Yeah.

Come on.

You wanna q*eer everything?
Surprise, I said.

You got it, kid.
Surprise.

It does look obvious... I don't
care how it looks or sounds.

I am sure that Gidget will have
a perfectly logical explanation.

Maybe to you, but not...

At any rate, when Gidget comes
in, I will do the talking.

All right.
We're only trying to help. I know that.

You want some potato chips? No, thank you.

Another sign we should have looked for.
That would have warned us.

- What?
- Overeating.

A sure sign
of sexual starvation.

Think back, Russ.

- Was Gidget overeating a lot?
- Not as much as you.

Why, Dad!

Boy, it was sure hot in that
outfit, I'll tell you.

Well, I gave him his chance,
and he blew it. He ignored us.

Me I can understand.
But you in that outfit?

That's what I call
first-class ignoring.

Not that I care a whit.

If that's the kind of girl he
likes, then I say welcome to it.

She acted like he was welcome.

I gotta go.Yeah. Me, too,
or I'll be late for dinner.

Well, the way I feel, I may never
eat again. See you tomorrow morning.

Personally, I think it's a waste of
time, the way that girl is built.

That piece of corn bread?
I'm gonna worry about that?

Well?

I'm gonna worry about that.

Now, for the last time,
I want to know.

Where did you get this
information about Gidget?

Well, I'm certainly
not going to tell you...

if you're going to make
such a big thing out of it.

Such a big... You'll probably magnify it
all out of proportion.

- Very good point, Anne.
- Magnify what?

Watch now. All I have to say is
that I read it in her diary...

Read it in her diary!

You see?
What did I tell you?

All right, Daddy, have it your way.
She's your problem.

I just want to remind you,
she's the one who "sank into nothingness."

- And that's a quote.
- From her diary.

Anne, John.

Do me a favor?
Go home.

But... But, Daddy. Go home.

Give me a chance to convince
myself that you meant well.

Of course I meant well.

I mean, she's my baby sister.

I don't suppose
there's anything I can say.

John, for the first time,
you and I are in complete agreement.

Russ... John.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

So, who am I kidding?

I was worrying about it plenty.

I was telling myself
to face facts.

I was not Sophia Loren.

Good grief. Even she would have
had to think twice about Cornbread.

Yeah?

It's me, Francie. Come in.

Hey. What's with you?

You look worried.
Can I help?

That's just what
I came upstairs to ask you.

- Have you a real problem?
- You mean you know?

How did you know... What's the difference
how I knew?

A lot of difference.
Brother.

Things aren't
tough enough, I guess.

You... You, of all people,
have to find out what an idiot I am.

Oh, everyone
makes mistakes, honey.

Yeah, but you have to have a real
talent to make the kind I make.

Now Jeff has me exactly
where he wants me.

- And when I think it was my idea...
- Your idea?

You don't think
Jeff would suggest it?

When it comes to things like
that, he's not square.

He's cube.

- You're looking at me funny.
- I am trying to understand.

Yeah, but you're
trying to understand...

like it was the end
of the world or something.

Oh, Daddy. I think you'd better
let me work this out for myself.

You're only gonna make a great
big thing out of nothing.

Frances! Frances?

I do not consider...

"sinking into nothingness"
nothing.

There's a very serious
question of morals involved.

Sinking into...

Morals?

Yes. Now, you and I
had an understanding...

that anytime
we had a problem, we...

You're looking at me funny.

Well, I'm trying to understand.

Yeah, but you're trying to understand
as though I had done something immoral.

Well, I think reading
someone else's diary...

is just about as immoral
as you can get.

- Just a minute, Gidge.
- Oh, Daddy! How could you?

How could you do something
like that to... Gidge.

Aw, Francie.

I knew Dad had to be feeling
every bit as rotten as I.

But what could I do about it?

Sure, I could go to him and say,
"I don't mind you reading my diary."

But that would be a lie...

Just like if he came to me
and said he didn't mind my...

"sinking into nothingness."

Because that would be a lie.

At least I hope
it would be a lie.

I'd hate to think
he wouldn't mind...

if I ever did anything
as jerky as that.

Hi. I couldn't sleep
either.

Don't cry anymore.

I'm not. Honest.

I haven't got
any more tears left.

The only thing
that's important is...

our having faith in each other.

As long as we
understand each other...

Believe in each other...
We can handle anything.

You got that one? Not that much.

Okay. Now, I did not
read your diary, Gidge.

You didn't?

But then how did you know?
I can't tell you how.

You'll... You'll just have
to take my word for it.

Ok-Okay.

Now, what about you?

Me? Daddy, I didn't
"sink into nothingness."

Holy cow!

- Okay.
- Wait a minute.

Something's very hokey here.
It doesn't make sense.

What? I just realized
something.

If you had read my diary, then you'd
know I didn't sink into anything.

Look. Right there...
Top of the page.

"Thursday"?
That's tomorrow. Yeah.

Tomorrow,
I sink into nothingness.

And then, Friday,
I start living a life of regret.

You mean you're writing
your diary in advance?

No. I'm not
that overconfident.

It's just... Well, when things get
dull, I make up a little.

In this case,
I was making up a romantic kiss.

Oh, Gidge.

So, if you didn't read the diary,
then who did and told you about it?

Our own personal Telstar,
Annie, right?

- I'm not talking.
- Oh, boy.

I know Annie means well...
and I love her and all that...

But I do wish she'd stop
trying to be my mother.

Well, I guess
she thinks you need one.

But I don't.
I have you.

You do indeed.

Oh!

So, Jeff leaves tomorrow, and I know I'll
just shrivel up and die out of loneliness.

- But at least we got one thing settled.
- Huh?

Well, that I should date
and he'll think it over.

I never heard
of a wiser solution.

And I think you and I rattled
Annie and John pretty good.

Yeah, I'd say
they were fairly shook.

Poor old Annie-poo.

She wastes all that
maternal instinct on me...

when she oughta be having
a baby of her own.

Of course,
that could be John's fault.

You know, psychologists have
the most peculiar ideas on sex.

They think it makes you
nervous, makes you overeat.

When, actually,
anybody with an ounce of intelligence...

knows all it's good for
is making... Good night, Gidget.

Good night, Daddy.

Funny thing about life.

A few hours ago, I hit the lowest
point of my whole absolute existence.

And now I'm riding so high, I can't
even see cloud nine when I look down.

John would say that shows
a lack of maturity,

and I can't argue with him.

When you're young,
it's not easy to level off and fly right.

It's too bad you can't
be born with maturity...

and then lose it later on when you're
old enough not to need it anymore.

I wonder if thinking
about stuff like that...

means I'm a philosopher.

Oh, I hope not.

Because I'm too tired
for all that jazz.