01x02 - This Building's Gonna Be the Death of Me

[bunniefuu]

Days, I've been down

here in this basement,

like hibernating.

'Cause the world out there's not safe.

That's where my life got f*cked apart.

Of course, I didn't know it yet,

but in less than a week,

this basement's gonna be

the most dangerous place

in Washington Heights.

- Luis?

- Hey-hey-hey, it's alive.

Water's out again.

- Again?

- Seriously?

Yes. Yes, again.

- Yeah?

- Gideon Pearlman, Luis Batista.

I know my rights, you piece of sh*t.

It was illegal when you f*cked

with my garbage collection,

and it's illegal when

you f*ck with my water.

You want to come see me?

You come see me right here,

mano a mano, all right?

- Because this sh*t is unacceptable!

- Hey, your days

are numbered, buddy. You got

Damn, Luis, how much

money do you owe this guy?

Yeah, he was just

making a point, you know?

We're squatting here.

Don't worry about money.

I called someone I want you to meet.

She might have a job for you.

- There she is.

- Hello, gorgeous.

Joy. You got to meet Dolores.

Okay, but first I have

an empanada emergency.

I need a guava and

cheese for my blood sugar.

You want to try one of my persimmon

and gouda empanadas instead? It's new.

Oh, I'm a creature of habit.

Oh, you sure?

It's goo-da. Gouda.

This guy kills me.

Oh, Dolores,

I've heard so much about you.

Joy has owned the

laundromat down the block

- for, um, how many years?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Nine years at this location.

- Oh, yeah? Nine? Wow.

And my half sister, at Uptown Lucky Nail

on Broadway, she's been there 14 years.

Lucky Nails? Is that like a salon?

Yes, we're both business

owners, completely self-made.

- What kind of salon?

- Oh, you know,

nails, facials, waxing, massages,

- that kind of thing.

- Does she need extra hands?

Like, literally, extra hands? I

Joy, she is the best

masseuse that I ever

I couldn't even turn my

head before she got here.

- Oh, really?

- You know how much tension I got in my neck?

I should introduce you to Bridget.

- I'd love that.

- She's a total bitch,

but you could learn a

lot. It's not her fault.

I got all the love

growing up, obviously.

I would love that. Thank you so much.

When-when can we do that?

No time like the present.

Yeah, today. Right now. No, right now.

- Ahora mismo. Let's go.

- No Like this?

I don't know, I don't know.

No, look at the way I look,

man. I look crazy right now.

- Go have fun, enjoy yourself

- Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

- Don't push me, man.

- Come on.

Hold on. Let me, um, let me just get

- Okay. All right. Yeah.

- Just do us a favor, okay?

Don't mention your whole,

you know, history to Bridget.

She's got a real stick up her ass.

Like "two bowel movements

a month" kind of uptight.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, that's good, that's good.

- Okay.

- Whew.

We pay our masseuses 12 an hour.

Bullshit.

- Shut up, Joy.

- No, you don't.

Go back to your laundry

joint and wash dirty socks.

You pay your masseuses 15 an hour.

How many years experience you got?

Sixteen.

Fine, 14 an hour.

You bring your own table.

We're above board here.

No peek-a-boos or hand jobs, got me?

What in God's name is a peek-a-boo?

I know you.

Well, welcome back.

Marcie Lugo. You don't remember me?

No.

That's all right, you

were hot sh*t around here.

I was more like a

a nobody. Back then.

Oh, well, good to see you again, Marcie.

Must've been bad in prison, huh?

f*cking c**t.

I mean, who goes away for, like,

15 years for possession?

Possession with intent

and assaulting a cop.

Well, welcome back.

And good luck.

What? She's great. You said so.

I said she was good.

Oh, you were moaning like a cat in heat,

and that hasn't happened

in your entire miserable,

sexless existence.

Listen, ma'am, I will wash

your floors until they shine.

I will do whatever it is that you need.

I just want an opportunity

Sorry, we're not hiring today.

f*ck you, Bridget.

- No, f*ck you, Joy.

- I cannot f*cking believe that

What? You bring a person

like that into my

- What do you mean?!

- I don't want some

What was I even f*cking thinking?

No decent salon's gonna hire me.

Only things on my résumé

are three semesters of college

and a month working the Froyo

machine at Tasti D in '97.

Dolores.

This bitch.

- Let's walk.

- Yeah.

Sure.

c**t face.

I got to apologize.

I got a lot of friends who served time.

There's no shame in it.

It's always hard finding a new gig

when you've been out

of the game for so long.

So, if you are looking for a job,

I got a couple of openings.

And, again, I'm really

sorry about what happened

Did you do that sh*t

on purpose back there

so you could offer me

half of what she did?

No, I pay twice as much.

And I need a new salesman. Saleswoman.

Sales.

What you selling?

Cannabis only. None of that hard sh*t.

I got a strong business selling

dime bags to the local kids,

but I could use a chick

to help me with the new

white moms around here.

They buy it for sleep.

I even print, like, cute logo stickers

to help me stay competitive.

Check it.

A decade and a half of my life gone

while you were branding yourself.

Whole different world from when I first

took over Dominic's business.

You know where he's at?

Dominic? Nah, nobody does.

Feds probably got him.

Jesus. Really?

Everybody had a theory at first.

He's in f*cking D.R.,

he got collared in Miami,

he's selling g*dd*mn Avon.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I heard that sh*t, too,

but you know anybody

who knows where to find him?

Man, f*ck that guy.

It's time to get yours.

Nah, man, I'm good.

I'm not doing that sh*t anymore,

but thank you for the offer.

I know your boy Luis

doesn't like to buy from me anymore.

But when you change your mind,

I'll still be here.

Is that gonna be my only option?

Right back to selling weed?

Welcome to Empanada Loca.

We got a special going

on, three for fi

Yeah, hello. Hi. Me again.

It's no shade, but you look like sh*t.

Oh, really?

Well, um,

I have no money, no job prospects,

and a bed that your boss's dad d*ed in,

so I'm pretty sure I know

I look like sh*t, thank you

- very much.

- Okay. Sorry.

Look, I think I'm probably not

going anywhere for a minute,

so you and me might as well

pretend to like each other.

I don't not like you.

You remind me of my mom.

f*ck. What? Oh, my God.

That's how old I got in there.

No, she just did, like,

five bids and she's

always had a rough

time with coming back,

but she figured it out.

Where's she at now?

- Not the point.

- She's back inside, isn't she?

No, that kind of thinking is

negative and it's not gonna help you.

But I am.

You need to figure out what you want,

write that sh*t down

and make a f*cking plan.

And work on it every single day.

Where'd you hear that

sh*t from Oprah?

You know what you need?

A vision board.

A what? Uh, no, I don't

want I-I need a job.

It's called manifestation, girl.

Watch the shop, I'll be right back.

Hudson is where I did

my three semesters.

Bitch.

It's giving fully formed.

All right, all right.

Mine's just a collage

of acceptable baby daddies.

You got big dreams.

Ladies.

Whoa, what's this?

Aren't you on the clock?

- D's vision board.

- A vision board.

All right, long as it's for Dolores.

That's her giving massages

to pay for her college

degree in marine biology

and buying a home in Hackensack.

- Hoboken.

- Same thing.

Hey, how'd it go with Joy's sister?

Oh, forget about it.

She found out I was in

prison, so, you know.

Back to square one.

Yo, Nellie, you got

an extra piece of gum?

You're gonna do it here, D.

What if somebody sees that?

- Duh. That's the point. Business 101.

- Yeah, but

- I don't even have a license.

- No, ain't nobody give a sh*t about no license.

You in New York, mami.

All they care about is that

you're 20 bucks cheaper

than Bridget's place.

Oh, I got to take this.

- Uh, Nellie, I got you for the rest of the day, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Uh, knock-knock?

Hello? Uh, hi?

- Hi.

- Hi. Hi.

Hey, yeah, Nellie said it

was $20 for a half hour?

You the-the one that just

moved into the third floor?

- Yeah, Caleb.

- Yeah, yeah, Nellie told me about you. Yeah.

- Yeah, Caleb Sweetzer.

- Caleb S I'm sorry, what?

Sweetzer.

S-W double-E T-Z-E-R. Sweetzer.

Caleb Sweetzer. Hi, nice to meet you.

Dolores Roach. R-O-A-C-H.

Roach?

It used to be Rocha,

but my dad changed it

to caucasianize himself, you know.

- Poor schmuck.

- Oh.

Yeah, well, that totally

resonates with me.

Uh, yeah. Okay, so

Why don't you f-follow me?

- Is that just

- Yes, yes, come on.

- In there? Okay.

- Right in here. Uh-huh, yeah.

All right.

Have a seat.

Just on the bed?

Yeah, because, uh, you know what?

My, um, the table's in the shop,

so I'm just using the

bed just for today.

But, you know, it's surprisingly firm,

and the sheets are clean.

What the hell. Sure.

Sure.

Also, if you would like

to undress to the level of your comfort.

- Oh, yes.

- No, but you don't have to, okay?

'Cause it's not like

it's not like a requirement.

Uh, well, you're gonna

need my back, right?

Right, exactly. Yes.

You're also gonna knead my back, too.

You get it? Lol.

- Oh, God.

- Wha Is someone else here?

No, no, no, no. Nobody's here.

I just, uh

It's just, uh

these

old New York pipes, right?

Okay, yeah.

So, um Okay, that's good.

I'm just gonna

All righty.

Okay. You got any allergies?

Uh, just penicillin.

Okay, well, that's not in this.

Is that okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah. It's okay.

Okay.

It's just so nice to be touched.

The guys on the apps in this

part of town are so sketch.

I mean, how are you supposed

to have safe bondage play

with a guy you already

know is gonna rob you?

I should have run the second

that the landlord offered

me two free months' rent.

He was pretty desperate to get me into

this godforsaken place.

Feel free to put me out of my misery.

Tempting.

- Hmm?

- Just shh, relax.

Okay, and this is for you.

Wow. Oh, no, this is more than I charge.

Yeah, it's a tip.

Take it, silly. See you around.

I never felt prouder

of a penny I earned in

my whole g*dd*mn life.

And then that whole week

Caleb Sweetzer says you're amazing.

people actually start coming down.

Folks are talking me up

and I even got, like, a dozen people

who call themselves clients.

It's like that

manifestation sh*t is real.

And I keep trying to give Luis cash

to get the landlord

to stop harassing us,

but he won't take it.

So I'm keeping it ready for

when the sh*t hits the fan,

which I know it will any day now.

But for a brief, shining moment,

I'm starting to feel pretty optimistic.

No, I feel f*cking triumphant.

It's like a little spa in here.

I know, right?

I can't believe your grandma just had

all this stuff lying around.

The woman sees a deal on QVC,

and she buys that sh*t in every size,

shape and color. She do too much.

Damn, she must have

money to spend, then.

No, she just keeps opening

new cards from Russell Simmons

and some woman named Suze Orman.

Anyways, I can't make her stop

'cause shopping's all that

brings her joy anymore.

Oh, I don't want to take

stuff from your grandma

- that makes her happy.

- No,

it's the buying that makes her happy.

She won't even know any

of this sh*t's missing.

Wow.

Thank you, Nellie. Thank you.

Can I pay you back? Like,

with a little massage?

On this death bed?

Nah, bitch, you tried it.

- Uh, I'm really good.

- You know what happens

when somebody's kidneys

shut down, right?

No.

I kept telling Luis to

get his dad adult diapers,

but what do I know?

I've only been taking care

of my grandma since I'm 12.

Damn, he left that part out.

You've got all these

people coming down here now.

You need to be legit.

Make a f*cking plan and

work on it every single day.

- Isn't that what I'm doing?

- No.

You need a real massage table.

Uh, oh Those are,

like, expensive, girl.

Well, you got to spend

coin to make coin.

Invest in yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

You need some help getting that inside?

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

I'm Dolores, by the way.

- Jeremiah.

- It's good to know you.

You, too.

Ah!

Got sheets.

You all right, Jeremiah?

Yeah.

I just haven't been down

here since Ariel passed.

- Mr. Batista.

- Oh.

- You knew Luis' dad?

- Yeah.

You, um

You deliver the exact same supplies

to the exact same

location for a few decades,

you live a lot of life with a person.

Let me help you with that.

Oh, God.

- Ta-da. Oh, there you go.

- Oh, look at that.

Let's tighten these up. Let's, um,

let's put it this way in the room.

- Like this?

- Yeah, like this.

All right.

- Oh, my God.

- Bam!

Oh, it's so nice.

She's beautiful,

and all paid for with these magic hands.

Oh, um

Thank you so much.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, come on, please.

- No, keep it. I

got a feeling that you gonna

be needing it sometime soon.

What do you mean?

Before he d*ed, Ariel

He asked me to keep an eye on his son.

The son who's in his 30s?

Yeah, the son who spends all his time

trying to make empanadas

that taste like sashimi,

as opposed to realizing that this place

is devolving into

I make the same delivery every day.

And more and more of that food

is in the dumpster every night.

Can't go on much longer.

Wait, hold-hold on, Jeremiah.

I mean, is-is there anything I can do?

Just keep your eyes open.

I'm not saying there's

something wrong with the kid,

but I'm not saying there ain't.

I don't know if I understand what

- You are in my place of business.

- I will call the cops so fast,

- you'll wish it was the health department.

- Okay? I'm just here

- trying to life my life, dude.

- This is my place of business.

I'm just trying to live my life, man.

I have the right to

enter my own property.

And I got rights, too.

And I got proof, bro.

I got proof of you harassing me.

Harassing? I just spent

two hours on a train

to come out here and

talk to you mano a mano,

like you asked, all right?

That's not harassment,

that's making an effort.

Now put the Kn*fe down, for God's sake.

Okay, I will oblige.

It is down. f*ckin' need

it anyway, all right?

Let me be clear with

you. You have two options:

either you commit to the buyout

- or you make some sort of minimum payment

- You may do

on your back rent by the

end of business Friday,

or I'll serve you eviction

papers Monday morning.

- Eviction papers, wow!

- It's been three months of this sh*t.

- I'm done with it.

- Well, you know what?

- I'm not done with it, bro. f*ck you, okay?

- Oh

- f*ck you right in your ass.

- f*ck me?

- You're harassing me.

- You haven't paid a cent.

- Right in the f*ckin' ass.

- And you've been nothing

but hostile and threatening

since the day I came out

here to introduce myself.

And you're on dr*gs and now, I guess,

- you got a hooker working here. Is that you?

- No. No, no. Hey

- I'm sorry, a sex worker? A sex worker.

- No, no, I'm sorry, excuse me.

- I'm I'm a masseuse, sir.

- This woman right here is the best g*dd*mn masseuse

- in the tristate area.

- Stop, let me talk to him.

- It's all right.

- I don't care what you do with your body, sweetheart,

but you're running an illegal business

out of an illegally-occupied unit.

- She not going nowhere, either, bro.

- No, no, no, no.

- Here he comes to save the day.

- It's okay, I got it, I got it.

Cálmate, I got it, I got it, bro.

You know what, she is my

f*cking family, all right?

Okay? And my family has

been in this very spot

- for over 35 years.

- Oh, really?

And you know what,

for 35 years, this area

has been nothing but cheap

and dangerous and dirty.

My predecessor may

have liked it that way,

but I have a mandate

to bring in some people

with a higher standard of living.

- Oh, wow!

- I have a responsibility to those people.

Who are those people, the

white people? The gringos?

You know what? This has nothing

whatsoever to do with race.

- Do you hear yourself?

- Why don't you school me, then?

- School me, Mr. Rainbow Coalition. Go ahead.

- I will, I will.

- Go ahead, school me, bro.

- All right.

Yesterday, I rented to a Black couple,

and I got to be honest

- little r*cist.

- Wow!

- You, you don't think minorities can pay their rent.

- This f*cking guy.

That makes you r*cist, too.

Do you even hear yourself, huh?

I do. I'll see you in court.

Make sure you get good

and doped up, amigo.

Okay,

wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no. My turn. My turn.

I-I have cash.

- You have that much cash?

- Yes, I got I got paid in cash.

Well, yeah, of course you

do. Okay, fine. Where is it?

Let me go downstairs,

let me get it for you.

- I'll go.

- No, no, you don't have to come with me.

I'm not gonna count money out

in the open in this neighborhood.

No, no. Come on. Yeah. Stay here,

watch the shop. It's

all good. Uh, I don't

I'm sorry, what's your name?

I don't even know your name.

- Pearlman.

- Yeah, Mr.-Mr. Pearlman, come on, let's

let's go downstairs. Come on.

You know, we're just gonna, like,

wipe our slate clean, all right?

Tabula rasa.

- Ow!

- Oh, God!

- Ow! Ow.

- Are you okay?

- God!

- Oh

I guess we should really get

those old stairs looked at, huh?

Yeah.

This building's gonna

be the death of me.

Here we go.

Right in here, Mr. Pearlman.

- Huh.

- Oh.

So

you really do massage people.

That's a nice purple.

Thank you. Brand-new.

Just arrived today. Here you go.

I'm gonna need you to count that out.

All right, yeah, sure.

You know, I've never

really gotten a massage.

Not a real one. I mean,

I, you know, I used to

My ex-wife used to try,

but, you know, just not

not like a real one. Not

like a professional, like

I-I don't want to call

you a professional,

'cause you're running

an illegal business.

You know I'm the best, right?

What?

They don't call me Magic

Hands for no reason.

Oh. I don't doubt it.

All right.

541 for now, Mr. Pearlman.

541?

Yeah.

What what's the point of this?

Well, like a down payment.

I mean, what's the rent

supposed to be now, anyway?

It's eight upstairs and three down here.

- Okay, so 1,100, I gave you

- No, thousand.

Thousand, sweetheart.

- 11,000?

- That's right.

A month? For this this place?

I mean,

we used to pay 650 for a two-bedroom

- around the corner.

- When was that, 20 years ago?

It was around 20 years ago.

Okay, so I miscalculated

the inflation, all right?

But I know we can work this out.

So why don't we just

call this a stay of

execution? How about that?

- Right, Mr. Pearlman? Please, Mr. Pearlman.

- All right.

All right.

This buys you a week.

All right? Just 'cause I have

a soft spot for people like you.

- Thank you.

- But after that,

- I'm not gonna be so kind.

- I understand. I get it.

- And I'll tell, uh,

- Thank you. I appreciate that.

- Cheech up there

- Sorry about that.

- that I'll, uh, be back in a week with the contractor.

- Okay.

There's no way I can find

that kind of money in a week.

If I had any other options

- Thank you. No, wow.

- Oh, ah, hey, don't embarrass yourself.

It's just that your

shoulder's like a rock.

Well, yeah, I'm going

to the gym a little bit.

- My ex-wife's gone

- No, no, it's not, it's not muscle, it's tension.

- Ow! Ow.

- Do you mind?

- You have, like, a really big knot

- Okay, ow.

- right there. You feel that?

- Yeah, yeah. Ay.

Yeah, yes. I-I've been

feeling it for weeks.

I can't really turn my neck around.

Okay, you know what?

Why don't you lie down?

I-I'm telling you, it would be an honor

to have you as my first

on my brand-new table.

- What, you're gonna give me a massage?

- Listen, if I had bread,

I'd break it with you, but what I do

is a whole lot more nourishing.

I'm serious. I promise you.

I promise you.

Okay.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, okay.

Okay, uh, so

why don't you undress to

the level of your comfort,

and I'm gonna get some

things started for us.

- What is that, incense?

- No, no, it's a candle.

- It just smells like coconut.

- Oh. Okay.

Oof.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

All set.

Um

You're gonna have to turn around

so that I can get your back.

- My back?

- Yeah, that's where the knot is.

You-you can't turn your neck. It's a

Oh. Yeah, all right.

m*therf*cker thinks he's

here to get a hand job.

Okay. Okay.

Just so you're a

little more comfortable,

I'm gonna take these off.

Okay, Mr. Pearlman.

You know Hey, you know what?

Before-before we do anything, can I

I want you to know I

have nothing against you

or your husband personally.

I mean, my grandparents were immigrants.

I'm a working-class

guy, my whole family.

All right? I'm not some sort of

rich real estate monster. I'm

not a-a slumlord, you know?

- Okay.

- I don't know,

what I resent about this

whole social justice business

is they ignore a critical

fact about human nature,

like the physiological need to win.

It's not it's not

it's not racism.

All right? It's not classism,

it's not, uh, you know, capitalism.

It's-it's it's really

just it's just Darwinism.

And if you want to survive,

you got to pay your rent

like civilized adults.

It's not my fault you

can't figure it out.

You don't have to ex

explain yourself to me, Mr. Pearlman.

I feel bad, I do.

I mean, it's just

just a burden of-of

my line of work, you know?

But you're a smart girl. I mean,

you know, you're not too old.

All your Everything seems to

still be where it's supposed to be.

I mean

You'll land on your feet.

So, when am I gonna see

what these magic hands

can really do here, huh?

I mean, I don't want

to have to take back

that week I was so kind to give you.

You wouldn't even have time

to pack before you have to

go back to wherever

the hell you came from.

In a week, this m*therf*cker's

gonna come right back

here and I'm gonna have

nowhere left to go.

But here he is,

literally in my hands,

talking about not enough space,

Darwin and sh*t.

Like it's a dare.

What a f*ckin' fool.

Got to break the C2

or the C1 to k*ll somebody.

That's what Tabitha taught me.

'Cause if you're gonna be alone

with half-naked m*therf*ckers,

you got to know how to protect yourself.

The C2 or the C1.

I could do it if I had to.

Okay, you're being a f*cking

tease. I don't have all

What was that?

No turning back from that.