01x28 - Legacy

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing]

- [announcer] Anne

Jeffreys as Marion Kerby

the ghostess with the mostest.

Robert Sterling as George Kerby,

that most sportive spirit.

[soft music]

And Leo G. Carroll host to said ghosts

as

[soft music]

Topper.

[cheerful music]

[soothing music]

[clattering]

[sighing]

- What?

[sighing]

- Sign here, Mr. Kerby.

- My name isn't Kerby,

it's Topper.

The Kerbys don't live here anymore.

- I got orders to deliver it here.

- [Marion] Why Topper,

we do to live here.

- Sorry, as soon as I

get those suitcases in,

I'm through for the day.

- But my name's Topper I tell you.

- Hey George, this is our trunk.

The one we took to Sun Valley

with us when we were k*lled.

- You sign for it,

I'll see if anything is missing.

[clattering]

[foot steps]

- These things don't belong here.

- No?

Well, who opened that?

Somebody must have a key.

Sir, can you just sign here, Mr...

Oh, it's already signed Marion Kerby.

Your wife must have signed

it while we were outside.

- Marion Kerby is not my wife.

- Well, it's signed.

She must be here.

- Well, yes, she's here, but then,

she's not my wife.

[audience laughing]

- I get it.

[audience laughing]

- Yes?

- How do you do sir?

My name's Jackson,

Frederick Jackson attorney at law.

May I come in sir?

- Well, if it's a business call,

I'd prefer that you came to the bank.

My wife isn't feeling very well.

- I'll be brief, Mr. Kerby.

- Kerby?

My name's Topper, Cosmo Topper.

- [Marion] He's here to see us George,

take his hat.

[whistling]

- [George] Okay then.

- Stop.

- Yes sir, I'd be glad to,

but I don't even know how I did it.

- Well, the, the Kerbys don't live here.

I bought this house.

My name's Topper.

- Do you happen to know how

I can get in touch with them?

- No.

And you don't know how fortunate you are,

they're dead.

Been dead for nearly a year.

- [Jackson] Terribly sorry to hear that.

And I apologize for disturbing you Mr--

- Topper.

- Kerby.

Kerby.

Kerby.

Now, Mr. Kerby,

just because I'm an attorney,

there's no reason to give me a false name.

- My name is Topper.

- I represent the estate of

your paternal grandfather,

the late Augustus Kerby.

- Late?

- How late?

- Two months.

- We're later, much later.

- Augustus Kerby was a

wealthy man, a solitary man.

He used to say

don't never spend one penny

that ain't absolutely necessary.

- Well, his English wasn't very good.

- Sir I'm a Harvard man myself.

But since I started

handling his million dollars

I ain't had no objection to his English.

- Million?

- Did he say a million?

- Did you say a million?

- A million, give or

take a hundred thousand.

To be brief, he has left the entire estate

to you and your wife,

George and Marion Kerby.

- George, we're rich!

- I don't think I can stand the shock.

Let's get a drink quick.

- [Topper] Augustus Kerby

obviously hadn't heard the news,

George and Marion were

k*lled in a skiing accident,

the, an avalanche hit them.

- What?

- Their bodies were never recovered.

- They're really dead,

are you sure?

- Well, I have no proof,

but after a year under two

or three million tons of ice,

well, one suspects the worst.

- I'm frightfully distressed

I must have proof of the dead

because under the terms of the legacy

in the event of their demise,

the money goes to charity.

- Mr. Topper, I'm extremely sorry

to have intruded on you like this.

- Well, not at all,

drop in anytime you have

another million dollars.

[audience laughing]

- A million dollars?

- A million dollars?

- Well give or take a hundred thousand.

- You give, I'll take.

- Tell you what I'll do Topper,

I'll buy Henrietta a

brand new antique vase.

- And I'll buy her a black lace night gown

just like mine.

- It seems to me, you

might have some feelings

for your grandfather to Augustus.

- We never knew him.

He was a,

a recluse.

- We just hope he finds someone

as nice to haunt as you.

- Very touching, but before

you spend that inheritance,

may I remind you both,

that you're every bit

as deceased as Augustus.

- You and your skiing vacation.

If we had gone to Florida like I wanted to

we'd have been alive to spend that money.

- Well, now,

let's look on the bright side, honey.

If we'd have gone to Florida,

we might've been drowned.

- It's all your fault.

Throwing away my million dollars.

It's just like a man,

you don't care what happens to your wife.

You k*ll her and cheat her

out of her rights on an inheritance and--

[shattering]

- George, I want to speak

to you about Marion.

- I know, I know.

- This is just a lover's quarrel.

You got to do something about her.

- There's a lot of the

things I'd like to do,

but they won't work.

She's already dead.

[audience laughing]

- Well, that's not a nice

thing to say, even in gist.

You know you love your

wife just as much as I do.

- You're in love with my wife?

- No, no, I love Henrietta.

But there's a little poem

you should always remember George.

The truest joys they seldom prove,

who free from quarrels

live. [door closing]

It is the most tender part of

love, each other to forgive.

- Hello, what are you flattering about?

- Uh, the sight of you

coming downstairs dear,

has inspired me to poetry.

I was reciting to myself,

Juliette is the sun,

see how she leans her hand upon her cheek.

Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand

that I might touch the cheek.

- Cosmo, if you must do

something with your hands

take that trunk and those

suitcases out of the hall.

They've been there since this morning.

- Oh, very well dear.

- [George] I'll help you Topper.

[suspicious music]

I'll take it down to the basement Topper.

- [Henrietta] Cosmo,

that trunk sailed right out of the hall.

- Well, you're mistaken dear.

That's a steamer trunk, not a sail on it.

[audience laughing]

- I just know that

headache medicine of mine

has alcoholic content.

[audience laughing]

[dramatic music]

[car doors slamming]

- Are you sure you can handle this?

- Of course I can handle it.

They don't call me the

man with a thousand faces

because I can't handle

a little grease pain.

- And just remember all the

details about the house.

Well, here's some authentic identification

I dug up for you.

Birth certificate,

medical certificate.

- Okay.

- Now remember,

we've got a chance to make

ourselves a million dollars.

- Why do we have to play it

up for these Topper people?

- For the same reason I called on them

and had the Kerby luggage sent there.

Everything has to look natural.

Besides this Topper is the

vice president of the bank

his identification will

carry weight with the court.

Now get in there and sell

yourselves as the Kerbys.

Contact me at the office later.

- All right.

[foot steps]

[car door slamming]

[doorbell ringing]

Mrs. Topper?

- Yes?

- How do you do?

My name is Kerby,

George Kerby.

And this is my wife Marion.

- How do you do,

won't you come in?

- Thank you.

- Oh!

Kerby?

- Oh you, mustn't be alarmed Mrs. Topper.

We're not ghosts.

- But you said you were

George and Marion Kerby.

- Yes, we are.

Oh, we were reported dead.

As a matter of fact, we had a

very serious skiing accident

and we've been recuperating in a small

and rather remote hospital.

- You see, we owned this

house before you did,

and our hospital bills was so heavy that

we couldn't keep up the payment

so, we had to let it go by default.

- [George Impersonator]

We, we just came by

to pick up our baggage

that was sent to our

old address by mistake.

- It's a beautiful house.

Only you've made it so much

more attractive than I did.

- Oh, you really think it's attractive?

- Enchanting.

- Oh, do come up and see how

I've decorated the bedroom.

The drapery is hand plucked linen.

And you don't mind, do you, Mr. Kerby?

- Oh, not at all, not at all.

- [Henrietta] I've done the

guest room over completely

and filled an extra charter

for Mr. Topper's papers.

He brings home a lot

of stuff from the bank.

[door slamming]

- Thank you George.

Tear off that shelf

and I'll bring the suitcases

down to the basement.

I thought you were down in the basement.

Oh, take off that silly mustache.

- Ow!

Not so sillier than yours.

- Ow!

- Oh, I'll go get George,

I want to show him how

you redecorated things.

- Marion, what have you done to your hair?

Well, how did George raise a mustache?

- You must be Mr. Topper, hello.

- Well, never mind that hello.

What's going on here?

Those are Henrietta's

clothes you're wearing.

Take off that hat.

- I beg your pardon?

- Take off those clothes.

[gasping]

[clattering]

[audience laughing]

- What happened?

Thought you're here for the suitcases?

- What?

Where's your mustache?

- What mustache?

- George, you remember when you said

you had a feeling something

strange was going to happen?

- Yeah. bumps went down my spine.

- My spine just went down the bumps.

George, it's happened.

- Met my husband Mr. Topper yet have you?

- Not formally.

He just stepped up to me

and pulled on my mustache.

- Oh dear.

Have, have you met him Mrs. Kerby?

- Not socially.

He just told me to take off my clothes

that I had shoplifted them.

- I think there's something

I'll have to explain

about my husband.

He has a little eccentricity.

He thinks he's haunted.

- Haunted?

By whom?

- By you.

- Well, dear,

I guess we'd better be

getting back to the hotel.

- He claims that he's the only

one that can see or hear you.

But he's harmless.

- Katie, that's enough of that.

- I'm sorry.

- [Marion Impersonator] Well,

thank you very much for the tea.

- [George Impersonator]

Yes, we really must go.

- Immaterialize, vanish,

decompress yourselves.

- Cosmo, that's no way

to speak to our guests.

These are George and Marion Kerby.

- Henrietta, you can see them too?

- Well of course.

- I can see them too.

- Katie.

- [Mr. Topper] Good heavens.

[patting]

George, [patting]

George you're,

you're flesh and blood.

[gasping]

[audience laughing]

You're, you're all there too.

- [Henrietta] Cosmo,

the Kerbys are not dead.

They were injured in a skiing accident

and have been in a hospital.

- We, we had a very close call.

For a while it was touch and go.

- Touch and go?

Well, maybe when you went you came here.

And now that you're here, you'd gone.

- Yes.

A brilliant explanation of

psychic phenomenon, Mr. Topper.

Now, if you'll, excuse me

I'll see about our bags and call a cab.

[foot steps]

- Oh, do sit down and

wait for him Mrs. Kerby.

[foot steps]

- George,

George,

George.

All right, are you still

not speaking to me?

[soft music]

I'm willing to say I'm sorry,

even though it was all your fault.

[soft music]

[chuckling]

Topper was right,

that's a very ridiculous mustache.

Oh, but I love you.

[door opening]

[suspicious music]

[audience laughing]

[suspicious music]

- Gee, honey you look

wonderful in your new hairdo.

[suspicious music]

- Why you, you--

[suspicious music]

[audience laughing]

- Oh Cosmo, I hope you're satisfied,

you know you're not haunted.

You don't see two people.

- No dear.

- Good.

- Now I see four.

[audience laughing]

- [Marion] Come on, Topper.

We got to see you in the other room.

- Oh, will you excuse me.

- [Marion] Don't talk.

Anything you say might be used in court.

George, put your hand over his mouth.

- Hey, hey,

what's your deal?

What are you going to do?

[audience laughing]

[indistinct]

- What?

- Topper, those people aren't us.

- They're perfect strangers.

- Incredible.

Imposters.

- Why should anybody want to be us?

- We don't even want to be ourselves.

- I have it, the legacy.

Grandpa Augustus.

They're phonies, they're just

trying to collect our money.

You've got to expose them Topper.

Go back in there and ask them

for some sort of identification.

- Come on dear, we must really go.

- It's no affair of mine of course

but after all the Kerbys

were reported dead.

I suppose you'll have some identification.

- Why certainly.

Here's my passport,

the hospital bill where we were confined,

and my driver's license.

- Hmm, they're all in order.

This driver's license has

your thumbprint on it.

Excuse me.

Would you mind?

Your thumb.

Hmm.

Oh, that proves it conclusively.

- Proves what?

- That I don't know a

thing about fingerprints.

[audience laughing]

- [Marion] Ask them

where the wall safe is.

- In as much as you lived here,

I take it you know where the wall safe is?

- Of course.

[clattering]

- Now open it.

- I can't.

- [Marion] You caught him Topper.

- You admit you don't

know the combination?

- Of course, he doesn't.

We had it changed when we moved in here.

- Oh, yes.

- If there's any further doubt Mr. Topper,

I have my birth and medical certificates.

- Here are mine.

- We always carry them

with us when we travel.

- [George] How do you like that,

they've really got our birth

and medical certificates.

- Well, are you satisfied Mr. Topper?

- Yes, you're Marion Kerby.

And you're George Kerby.

But who are those?

- Who is who?

- Those two ghosts.

- Oh Cosmos, you were making

such wonderful progress.

And now you're back to the two ghosts.

- Pardon me?

If we could use your

telephone again, Mrs. Topper

I'd like to try again for a cab.

- Right this way, in my bedroom.

[honking]

- Topper, you're not going to

let them get away with that,

are you?

- I don't know you,

and I'm beginning to wonder who I am.

- [audience laughing]

- Topper, they're crooks.

They're after that inheritance.

You want the money to go

to the proper charities,

don't you?

- Yes I do.

But there were so much like you.

- But they were actors.

- I don't know his driver's

license had his thumb print.

A fraud wouldn't take a chance like that.

- Well, of course it

was his own thumbprint.

It was a new license, but

they made one little mistake,

using Marion's medical certificate.

- But it was perfectly authentic.

- [George] Oh, yes it was authentic.

But you overlooked one little detail.

It clearly stated that Marion

had a mole on her body.

- Where?

- George, that's a very personal matter.

- Where, where is it?

- Well--

- George don't you say another word.

- If I'm going to do anything about it

I have to know where it is.

- I'd die before I show it to you.

- You're already dead,

where is it?

- It's on her leg.

One inch above her knee,

show him Marion.

- I will not.

- But honey, this is for charity.

It's a very small mole and

I won't show it to anyone.

- Okay, okay.

- Topper, will you believe

that other girl isn't Marion

if I can prove that she

doesn't have a mole on her leg.

- Yes, but I'm interested to know

how you're going to find out.

- Simple, I'll just

swipe her skirt from her.

[audience laughing]

- Oh no, you don't.

I'll do it.

- But darling,

these are dangerous criminals

that we're dealing with.

It's a man's duty to have

courage and, and face danger.

I'll do it.

- If you do it, it'll take a

lot more courage to face me.

I'll do it.

[audience music]

[dramatic music]

- Here it is Topper.

- [Henrietta] Cosmo,

Cosmo, the most amazing

thing just happened.

Mrs. Kerby was on the telephone

and suddenly part of her clothes...

Cosmo,

[audience laughing]

what have you to say?

- Nothing, I, I was skirting the issue.

- [Marion] I'll take it

back up stairs Topper.

- Cosmo,

that skirt, it went right up by itself.

- Well, of course it went up

Paris has lifted the helium again.

[audience laughing]

[dramatic music]

- The court has made its decision.

The Will of the late Augustus Kerby,

leaves everything to

the beneficiaries here,

George and Marion Kerby.

- [George] Not now Topper.

Don't object yet.

I'll tell you when.

- Although there were rumors

that they'd been k*lled in an avalanche,

they've proved to be very much alive.

- [George] Not yet.

- Cosmo, why do you keep standing up?

- Well, to see better dear.

It's a very high court.

[audience laughing]

- They have given me conclusive

evidence of their identity.

Before the court awards the

estate to the beneficiaries,

does anyone wish to

register any objection?

- [George] Now is the time Topper, object.

- [Topper] I object your honor.

- What is the nature of

your objection, Mr. Topper?

- Well, the money should go to charity.

These people are imposters.

The real Kerbys are dead.

- You have proof that they're dead?

- Absolutely, they haunt my house.

- [George] For heavens sakes Topper

stay off of that subject,

they'll think you're crazy.

Get to the mole.

- A court of law will

need a little more proof

than that Mr. Topper.

- On the medical report before

you says that Marion Kerby

has or had a mole on

her leg, above the knee.

- [Judge] Yes, it does say that.

A mole, an inch above the knee.

- Your honor, ladies and gentlemen,

that woman has no such mole.

- [Marion] Don't worry Topper,

I'll take it from here.

[screaming]

- May it please the court,

no mole.

I can see it pleases the court.

[audience laughing]

- It says here,

that the money was turned over

to charity after Cosmo Topper

exposed the couple as professional actors.

Exposed is right.

[audience laughing]

I never saw such exposure.

- I'll read it dear.

- The attorney has been disbarred

and faces a prison term.

So do those two actors.

- Cosmos,

how did you know about that

mole on Marion Kerby's leg?

- Well, it,

it was on the medical certificate.

- Yes but,

how did you know that other

women didn't have a mole?

- If I can think of an answer

to that question my dear,

I'd win the Nobel Peace Prize.

[audience laughing]

[lively music plays]

- [announcer] A John W. Loveton

Bernard L. Schubert production.

Produced by John W. Loveton.

Starring Anne Jeffreys,

Robert Sterling,

and Leo G. Carroll.

[lively music continues playing]