07x10 - I Can Hear It Gooping

[bunniefuu]

HE BELLOWS

Ah!
HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS

Woo-oh!

BLASTS HORN

No!

SHE SCREAMS

Arghh!

Aghhhh!

CHEERING

Hello and the warmest of welcomes

to the Taskmaster Series
Grand Final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I, Greg Davies, will be your
linchpin, carrying you through

the closing stages of the
competition, all the way up

to its dramatic climax.
So, for the last time,

please scream
your thoraxes apart for...

James Acaster...

CHEERING

..Jessica Knappett...

CHEERING

..Kerry Godliman...

CHEERING

..Phil Wang...

CHEERING

..and Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING

And here is the boss of the boring.

And now only a couple of decades
from his first-ever pay rise.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the last
time this series, ooh, who is it?

TICK-TICK—TICK!

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

Prize task? Yes.

And as it's the final,
we always come up with a profound

and challenging prize category,

so we've asked them to bring in
their most magnificent stationery.

LAUGHTER
You're going to give the owner

of the most magnificent stationery
five points, then at the end

of the episode the winner will need
an industrial-sized pencil case

to take home all their prizes.

Stationery? Yes. Jessica Knappett.

Boy, are you in for a treat?

I videoed my favourite pencil
for you.

This is a video of Jess's
magnificent stationery.

LAUGHTER

Guess...

Guess what? Go on.

I haven't!

That does raise you up
in my estimation!

Phil.

You wanted magnificent stationery,
so I went out and I got you

custom-made, a solid gold pen.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Here it is. One pen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Solid. It's gold. It's a pen.

I went to a man called Smith
for this, a blacksmith!

Well, I was going to say,

I know the work of a master
craftsman when I see one.

Pure gold and you can tell
because, it's actually,

if you hit the next image, there,
Alex... The next image.

There.

Oh, OK.

And you're not allowed to put
that on any old thing.

It is a lovely piece of artisan
craftsmanship and thanks

for making such a great effort for
this television show. For the final.

The final of this television show.

OK, Kerry.

This was really hard for me
because I love stationery.

I love... What, you think I don't?

Well, I don't know if you love it as
much as me. Oh, I do.

Because I love it the most. Yeah?
Right. I think I know what it is.

As a stationery connoisseur, your
instinct tells me, because I

know what the king of the
stationery items is...

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it's the
same thing? I genuinely don't know

what you brought in. Shall
we say it together? Yes.

One, two, three...

BOTH: A laminator!

CHEERING

No!

Yes! There it is.

CHEERING

Laminator.

I tell you something...

..call it gut instinct,

you and I are the only people in
this room excited

' by the laminator. I'm getting that,
no-one else knows
what we're talking about.

It's going to play into your
hand, though. Hey, Rhod... Yeah.

..a laminator's going to take
some beating.

I've taken
a slightly different approach

and my favourite TV programme

used to be Gladiators, Greg.

And my favourite character was
Hole Punch and I've brought in

a picture of Hole Punch off
Gladiators, Greg. Let's see it.

Ah, for God's sake.

Yes, let's see Hole Punch
from Gladiators, please, Alex.

There's Hole Punch, there he is.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I didn't say when they would be.

Or where they will take place.

But there will
be physical consequences.

Pressure's on, James.
It's the final show.

Celebration.

So, I have brought in a pencil cake!

Here's James's pencil cake!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is difficult, isn't it?

When is a bit of stationery not
a bit of stationery?

When it's a big cake!

I don't see what the problem is.
We've all got eyes.

LAUGHTER

Can I ask what section of the
supermarket did you buy it from?

Stationery.

Fair enough. OK.

I'm going to
give one point to this prick.

One point to Rhod.
One point to Rhod. OK.

Two points because I almost fell
asleep just looking at the

picture, boring pencil girl.

That's a lovely song.
Thank you very much.

You loved it at the time. James...

..I don't know, I don't know if it's
a pencil or a cake.

I want to stick both in my mouth but
I'm only giving you three points.

Fair play. OK, Phil...

..I'm giving you four points

for your pen that was badly wrapped
in foil. You want to know why? Why?

Because I feel sorry for you.
LAUGHTER

And it goes without saying my new
best friend...

..the Laminating Queen -
five fat points.

There we go.
CHEERING

Come on, let's get going,
competition proper. OK, Greg,

but I'm afraid this is only
the mere beginnings of a task.

Are you ready? Ahhh... Here it is.

KNOCKING ON DOOR
Come in.

Oh, hello. Hello. Hello.
Welcome. Thanks.

LAUGHTER

Was a good one. Oh.

When you hear this siren...

SIREN BLARES

During a future task...

Put on a boiler suit and lie flat
on the ground.

Boiler...

..suit on.

Now.

That's how I'll remember it. OK.

You may not touch or move a boiler
suit until the siren sounds.

Fastest wins.

Do you understand the task?

Yeah, not a f*cking idiot!

You going to wait there, are you?
Until the siren sounds. OK.

It might not happen today.
I think it will.

Play the waiting game.

Bye, Rhod. See you later.

APPLAUSE

How long did he stand there for?
Genuinely minutes. Incredible.

Cameras cut.

Was it? We just left you there.
We were quite worried.

Because I guess we assumed that you
would assume it wasn't going to be

in the immediately next task.
Just like everyone else, except you.

More of that later.

Yes. But for now,
a Taskmaster staple - eggs!

Hi, James. A bunch of eggs.

Hi, James.

LAUGHTER

Hungry?

Not for an egg.

Find the boiled egg.

' You may touch two eggs.

' You may damage two eggs.

You may not damage the boiled egg.

' You may touch two eggs.
You may damage two eggs.

So I can damage two and touch two.
But you can only touch two.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

Find the boiled egg.

Wait.

Oh.

It's quite hard.
APPLAUSE

But easy to find the
boiled egg, isn't it?

Obviously you can spin it,
couldn't you? Spin it.

' Spin the boiled egg, stop it.
What will it do? It'll stop.
Stop immediately.

An unboiled egg will...
Spin it. ..carry on spinning.

The stuff inside the egg keeps it
spinning. We all know that. Yeah!

' Or you could put it in... Saltwater.
It'll float, won't it?
Yeah. Everyone knows that.What?

D'you want to which method they
used? Yeah, yeah.

The first to try to identify the
boiled egg are Kerry Godliman

and Jessica Knappett
and Rhod Gilbert.

Not the boiled egg. Why do you think
that's not the boiled egg?

I just...

It's a good question.

LAUGHTER
Back in the game.

' Rejecting that one?

Rejection on
account of weight. Too light.

Yeah, that's boiled. Want me to stop
the clock? Oh, no, it's not real.

Oh...

' I've touched that one but I've found
out it's made of rubber. Yes.

Therefore, it's not an egg.

Rejection.

' On account of not being
an actual egg.

That was really light.
And you touched it.

Well, I might as well damage it.
Right, why not?

I can damage two eggs. I haven't
damaged any eggs yet. Correct.

LAUGHTER

' Is it a hard-boiled egg
or a soft boiled egg?

I have to pick one that's boiled

without touching it. OK.

You can damage one if you want.

But then, what if
it's the boiled one?

Ahh.

I've damaged an egg. And it might be
the boiled egg.

Have you damaged that? Yes.

Do you know what, though? What?

I think this might be the
boiled egg.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GROANS

That was the boiled egg!

WHISPERS: Oh, no!

Right, well...

You only touched and damaged
the boiled egg.

APPLAUSE

If we imagine them as egg
detectives. OK.

Professional egg detectives.

Were there any methods you saw
being used there

that would impress you
at an egg crime scene?

I think my egg detection was quite
good, but I just accidentally

tampered with the evidence!

In what sense? In that you...
I broke the victim.

What are you, some sort of f*cking
egg whisperer?

I'm going to level with you.
I found that quite upsetting.

It was like watching
a stranger, frankly.

OK. The first time I've seen your
approach towards these tasks

which is get in, do the job, bosh,
get out. Yeah. Failed dramatically.

I think it failed bad!

It was the fist that I went for
that was really...barbaric.

Yeah. Just a load of eggs, though,
innit? It's not just a load of eggs.

I'd lined them up alphabetically.

It was air, boiled, clingfilm,
dummy, eggs (quails) fresh...

There is... Oh, God,
there was a logic to it.

You can't just come in and go bosh
and start smashing things.

No, just read the eggs. Friends and
lovers, it's the end of part one.

' We have three parts left together.
Let's not waste them.
See you backstage.

CHEERING

CHEERING

Hello and welcome back to the
Taskmaster Series final.

Tenterhooks, that's what we're on.

Remind us how we're filling the
final full of glamour

and splendour, Alex. Well, there are
six eggs

and they're trying to work out

which is the boiled one. That's
right. We've blown a very,

very small percentage of the budget
on this one. All the more for you.

That's what you say, isn't it?

Kerry, Rhod and Jess have been
rubbish but it ain't over yet.

James and Phil are next
to investigate. Here we go!

{\an} So that could still be a boiled
egg that's been painted red.

{\an} Boiled in clingfilm.

I guess you could boil that.

That is not an egg.

{\an} That's made of rubber or some shit.

I'll take that out of the equation.

That's not touching the egg,
I'm touching the egg cup. Suck it.

LAUGHTER

{\an} I think this feels more boiled than
this one.

No!

That's embarrassing.

Touching the clingfilm, not the egg.

Can hear it gooping. Gooping? Yeah.

That egg's hollow.

That's a shell. Didn't touch it.

I'm going to crack this one.

Urgh, it's a raw egg.

That was good news, that's good
news, I can eliminate that one.

You can damage one more egg.
That's an egg shell, not an egg.

Damaged was no eggs yet.

LAUGHTER

Oh. It's feeling solid.

Is that a real egg?

OK. That's not an egg.

That's not a hard-boiled egg.
Have you damaged it?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

This, this would be the
boiled egg. Have you damaged it?

The shell is a bit cracked.
The egg is fine.

' In that case, it's between
this one and that one.

It's this one.
That's the hard-boiled egg.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

According to my records, that is
your fifth use of your catchphrase,

"suck it"... Yep. ..for the series.

The new catchphrase
was born during that.

"I can hear it gooping!"

Phil... Oh, God!

I'd completely forgotten
what I did in this task.

And now I realise why I blocked
it out of my memory.

After one minute Phil pointed at the
red one and said, "That one's red."

It was. It's not wrong.

Timing-wise, James was both the
fastest and the slowest because

he was the only one who actually
completed the task. Four minutes .

Five fat points. To James Acaster.
James gets five points.

CHEERING

Score them, please, Alex. I'm going
to just hint at the series score.

I don't want to give anything away
at this stage, except that

Phil is now points
behind his rivals.

Then we have two people in joint
third and two people in joint first.

It's me and you.
No, it's not any more.

But in this particular episode,
with a towering eight points,

the reader is Mr James Acaster.

APPLAUSE

Very good.
Do we have time for another one?

We have time for two nother one.
But first of all...

First of all, we get to see
the official Taskmaster

computer hub, at last. Here we go.

Yes!

I don't play video games.
I don't know how to do them.

That's you two on the screen there.

Me and the Taskmaster.

You and the patron saint of pastry.

Oh, no way!

Look at us all.

That's me. Select.

There I am. Oh, God.
Where am I going?

Oh, wow.

Oh, it's the house.
HE GIGGLES

You got my skin tone just right.

OK.

Oh, no way!

Come find the task on the table.

Oh, my God!

Oh, that better not be who
I think it is. Hello.

Who is that? Is that you? Yes.
So I just... Hey!

Physically recreate
a classic computer game.

Best recreation wins,
you have one hour.

I'm way out of my depth here.

Your time starts now.

I don't want to mess this up.

Because it's a dream come true.

APPLAUSE

This is potentially one of my
favourite tasks of all time.

I am fizzing with excitement,

much as Phil was when
he walked into the room.

"Yeah!"

The cry of the nerd.

Look, I just want to get on with it

because I'm excited to see
what they did.

OK. First up,
let's start with Jessica Knappett.

A-three, two, one...

Go!

Woohoo!

Nyooow!

Argh!

Yeah!

Victory!

APPLAUSE

Very good.

That is awesome.

Isn't it? It was awesome to do.

It's the first time I've been
allowed to have fun in the show.

LAUGHTER

I mean, tick. Thanks. Who's next?

Next up, we're going to see
a computer game noob, Rhod Gilbert.

Uh-oh.

Is anybody not happy to kneel and
wear a box on their head?

My memory of the game isn't that
great, but as I remember it,

you guys shuffle like this.

OK, let's have you bending down
a little bit more.

Try and keep your rows, we're
losing formation here. Come on.

You, sir, are shit.

Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

ALL: Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

Good, good. OK.

In positions. Squat.

Boom, boom, boom, boom...

Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

Keep it going!

Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

Keep the noises coming.

Oh!

Keep the noises going.

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

Keep the noise coming!

Pew, pew-pew, pew, pew!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Well done.

Wow.

That's insane.

It's insane.

The only thing that has
taken off it for me,

as it often is with your tasks,
is I get drawn into watching you

try to physically recover after
a tiny amount of exercise.

It was actually a lot more
physical than it looked.

I was entertaining myself with
a little extra layer of

seeing how many of them
I could hit in the plums.

And on the second to last one,
you audibly heard it as well.

You heard him go, "Oooh!"

As a spectacle, Jesus Christ,
incredible. Mm-hmm.

An incredible video game.
Who's next?

Now it's someone who I know
genuinely owns his own computer.

It's Phil Wang.

GREG WHISTLES

g*nsh*t

DOOR CREAKS

g*nshots

ALARM BLARES

g*nsh*t

APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Incredible reworking of GoldenEye.

Again,
not a game I've particularly played.

Do the characters walk around
like T-Rexes? Yeah.

Yeah, that was a shot-for-shot
recreation of the original.

That's precisely how they move.
He was dressed as...

Oddjob. Oddjob. Oddjob.

And I was James Bond
cos I'm so cool.

Why not, you know,
in a James Bond story,

just set everything in one room?
Why not?

Hello, want to see someone
win a pencil cake?

Are you that kind of person?

Then come back for part three of the
final and we'll see what we can do.

Hello! Welcome to the penultimate
part of this all-star final.

Just one more wodge of loathsome
adverts to go, thank God.

But on a lighter note, weren't
we watching a highly creative task

before the break, Alex?
You mean like physically recreating

a classic computer game,
that sort of thing?

Well, it is that sort of thing,
it's exactly that sort of thing,

and here is Kerry Godliman's
sort of thing.

SHE HUMS A TUNE

Oh!

Oh, just in time. Yeah.

Can I make it go where
I want it to go?

Yeah, but you're not allowed to sing
the theme tune any more

in case we can't clear it. OK.

Rules...

I'm not sure about that.

That's got to be allowed, hasn't it?

Oh, that's a line now.
Yeah, it's a line.

This is chaos now.

Now I can't...

No, I'm not happy now,
because now there's no winning.

If there's no winning,
there's no point.

Oh! That's it. No.

Yes, it is. No.

I'm going to start speeding up.

Oh, no, that's not fair!
That's not nice.

This is what happens.

Oh, no!

No!

You're spoiling my game!

Kerry, you've lost, game over.
I didn't lose.

You didn't win. No.

Thanks, Kerry.

Not happy.

APPLAUSE

Really wound me up.

In keeping with your approach to
things. What do we need for this?

Bricks, get them in. Bosh.
I enjoyed it.

I've got to say,
I quite enjoyed being the person

who pushed the bricks into Tetris.

I think that's quite a good metaphor
for my role in the show.

You were going way too fast and
you wound me up, to be honest.

Yes, yes. It was quite stressful.
That was the bit I enjoyed.

Yeah, I sensed that.
Amazing, as they all have been.

This is going to be the worst one
ever to judge.

Yeah, they've been solid. Let's hope
that James's is absolutely shit.

He's dressed appropriately tonight.
It is GTAcaster.

Ready? Yes.



BEEP, BEEP!

TYRES SCREECH
Come here!

Come here!

# Oh, music

# Music playing in the car

# Loads of music playing

# Music

# Music in the car. #

BELL RINGS

f*ck you!

SIRENS WAIL

Hey!

Oh, no, it's the cops!

f*ck you! Pardon?
ROCKET BLASTS

Oh! Ooh!

g*nshots
Ah, argh!

APPLAUSE

There is a man who has played
a lot of Grand Theft Auto.

Yes.

All done within an hour?
Yeah, all done within an hour.

They weren't real g*ns.
No, no, I gathered.

We made them up with cardboard
but they looked real, didn't they?

And I just wanted to beat Alex up
in as many ways as possible.

Yeah, well, everyone wants that.

Do you want to score these?
Yeah, I mean...

Oh, God, this is such an awful
job when they're good.

It's much better when
you're rubbish.

OK, I'm going to give Kerry two
points because she was frustrated

by the game that she created and
physically threw herself on it. OK.

I cannot separate Phil and Jess.

I thought they were both
beautiful updates of classics.

Rhod, a magnificent four points,

because I thought it was
a visual feast to mine eyes.

And I'm going to give five points
to James because after

seeing that, I'm not % convinced
that he isn't a character

from a computer game.

A phenomenal performance,
James Acaster.

APPLAUSE
Thank you.

Very good. Well done, everybody.
Amazing. Next task, please.

I think you mean last task, please.

And I'm afraid it's one that's
a little bit ropey.

Argh!

Ahhhh!

Argh!

Alex. Phil.

Have a seat.

Ahem.

Tie yourself up as securely
as possible.

Where do you get off on this stuff?
I'm just doing what I'm told.

Is it sexual?

Slowest to be released by Alex wins.

You have minutes.

Your time starts now.

Right, rope.

APPLAUSE

Good. Is it sexual?

No, it's just a task based on how
you make me go to sleep every night.

You say, "Tie yourself up,
go to sleep,"

and then you untie me in the
morning. Crack on with sleep. Yeah.

Good. Who are we going to see first?

Here is James Acaster
getting himself tied in knots.

Now, it doesn't say to the chair,
does it?

No, so that's there like a decoy.

Tying yourself up is a bit tricky,
isn't it?

Where's the g*dd*mn end of this?

It's insane what you can
get people to do, isn't it?

Tie yourself up?
All right, no questions asked.

Now, why have I gone for
my feet first?

ALARM BLARES

Oh, shit.

APPLAUSE

Oh, no! Argh!

You piece of shit, Alex!

This is the worst one so for! OK.

OK. Oh...

Oh, this is the worst day
of my life.

f*ck you. Oh...

f*cking arseholes.

Oh, goddammit.

OK, thank you, James.

You've got two minutes,
to finish off your tying up. What?!

What are you talking about?

Well, I've still got to try to
untie you.

Why should I still have to do that?

It's the task, James, isn't it?

I was doing so well with that.
How did I not see that coming?

I'd completely forgotten about that.
seconds.

seconds...

Oh, no.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

In my estimation, this is
the third time during this series

we've seen James Acaster
genuinely angry.

When they did it, I was, like,
I was very furious,

but I was thinking,
"Oh, this will be good."

LAUGHTER

Fair enough.

Alex, how long after was it?

I can tell you that for
all five people,

the alarm goes off five minutes
into the ten minutes of tying up.

Completely fair. Who are we going to
see tying themselves up next?

Well, the question is, will the next
three also fall for our trick?

Here is Gullible Godliman,
Naive Knappett and Fool Wang.

Ready? Here we go.

How can I make this harder for you?

I think I'll tie myself
to the chair.

How can I make this harder?

Just lots and lots of knots.

How much time do I have left?
Six minutes.

I haven't thought this through.

What's this?

SIREN PLAYS

Oh! Oh!

IN TIME WITH SIREN: # Boiler suit. #

SIREN PLAYS
No!

No, that's not fair.
That's not fair.

SIREN PLAYS

Is that the...?

Right...

Well, maybe I can get both my legs
in one leg.

Which I can!

That's completely unreasonable.
Why's that?

Well, you have to untie me.

I can't untie you
till ¼ minutes is up.

Well, that's not fair!

Clearly on the ground.

By the time I'm out of this one,
I'll have lost that one.

I might as well do this one...
Right.

..and then afterwards
go and get the boiler suit on.

LAUGHING: Yeah,
I'm really pissed off.

Jess, I've stopped that clock.

Now you've minutes to
finish off tying yourself up. OK.

¼ minutes
till I come and rescue you. Um...

Well, I've tied myself up now.
There's not more I can achieve.

Gosh.

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, I've untied you.
I'm stopping that clock.

How long ago did it go?

SHE CRIES STROPPILY

Are you done?

That was quick.

Oh, don't patronise me.

APPLAUSE

That wasn't part of the task,
was it?

That was just full-on kid hissy fit
on the floor. Yeah.

"WAAAH!"

It's fair to say that,
throughout the series,

Phil has really had much of a sense
of urgency, even under the...

But it really paid off for you
this time.

For once,
being really shit at one task

automatically make me
suddenly good at another.

The difference between your reaction
to the siren

and the other two as well was like,
"No! Oh, God!"

And you were like, "Yep, OK."

Also, we had been warned. I don't
know why you guys were so surprised.

Jess, pleased with that?

I felt like when the alarm went off,
it was really just...admiration.

And it was only when I was writhing
around on the floor,

trying to get into that boiler
suit... Sheer panic struck, right?

That was the moment
where I remembered

that my agent told me it would be
a good career opportunity.

Just one little old part left.

One last desperate scramble
for points.

And let me tell you something...

Closer.

Closer!

WHISPERS: ..I love you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! And welcome back for the last
time to Taskmaster Series .

It's the final part of the series!

CHEERING

What a shame and how sad.

The task currently in play
is a special double one.

First, they had to tie themselves
up, then a siren went off,

which meant they had to untie
themselves and put a boiler suit on.

Then they had to
tie themselves up again.

Finally, here is Rhod's
interpretation of the task.

Ha-ha-ha!

OK.

Alex, would you, er...
Would you sit there, please?

Seven minutes to go, Rhod.

Yeah, that's OK.

That's quite tight.
That's quite tight? Yeah.

That's fine. As long as you
can breathe, that should be fine.

Have you done this before? Yeah.

How's that?
SIREN PLAYS

Quite tight?

Yeah, that's tight.
That's all nice and tight?

SIREN PLAYS

What's that noise?

That's the siren.

Is that just a local noise?
No. What siren?

SIREN PLAYS
What siren is that?

You had to do something
when a siren sounded.

Yes, there's two tasks on ago now,
isn't there? Yeah.

This is the problem, isn't it?

Right. Just lie on the ground,
wasn't it?

OK, I've stopped the clock for that
task now. You've completed that one.

The boiler suit? That's done. OK.

Now I'm going to untie you
in minute seconds. OK.

Pop your hand in there. My shoe?
Yeah.

seconds... ... Oh, I don't know
how long there is left.

I'm going to count. seconds.
, . Thank you.

Hang on a minute, then.
APPLAUSE

I'm blowing my whistle.

OK, yeah, blow your whistle now.
ALEX WHISTLES

OK, I'm coming to untie you.
Yeah, I'm tied up.

I'm going to go and get a hot drink.
I'm coming.

You're coming for me, are you? Yeah.

I'm going to untie you
any second now.

Do you want something for lunch?
Yes, please. What would you like?

Something sharp. OK.

I'll get you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I suppose you're going to have
a go at me and shout and scream

and accuse me of cheating. No,
that was f*cking kick-ass. Genius.

It was genius. Rhod, that is
absolutely genius. Yeah.

I would love to hate that.
We'd love to hate that.

But that was f*cking great.
It was brilliant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.

I think your team-mates
are right to praise you,

because it was mightily impressive.

But the thing that I noticed,

above and beyond how clever
your response was,

is how cold you were.

Just a psychopath.

There was no need to put a bucket
on his head, was there? That was...

No. Thank you, Kerry.
..way beyond the brief.

Or a hat on the bucket. Yeah.

I never actually untied him.

He untied himself in the end
and then came and untied me.

Got to be a bonus point.

No. No. Oh, come on! No, no, no.

So the timings were,
in terms of me untying them...

..I untied Phil in minute.

minutes , I untied Kerry.

minutes , I untied Jess. Oof!

James, eight minutes five seconds
because of the gaffer.

But Rhod... He untied me.

OK, so it goes five to Rhod,
four to James, three to Jess,

two to Kerry, one point to Phil.

But in the other one,
Kerry was the slowest, obviously,

to put on the boiler suit.
minutes . One point.

James, minutes . Two points.

Jess, minutes . Three points.

Rhod, four points
with minutes .

But Phil wins five points
for putting the boiler suit on

in minute . That is...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..a points extravaganza!

Well, then. There's only one chance
left snatch some points.

So please abandon your chairs,

head to the stage for
the final task of the series.

CHEERING

Enjoyable already.

Who's going to read the task out?
James?

Would you like me
to open it for you? No.

"Prod the person in front of you
with either a finger or a sausage.

"If the product person
guesses incorrectly

"whether they were prodded
by a finger or a sausage,

"they get eliminated.

"Last prodded prodder standing
wins." OK?

So it's a classic game of
Sausage Or Finger?, right?

Rhod, please face forward
with your blindfold on.

You're just about to be
prodded by Wang.

OK, Phil, I'm ready.

Rhod... Lovely technique.

Oh, this is dangerous. Sausage!

ALL: Ooh!
Oh!

Oh, he's fallen!

No!

No. Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Afraid so. I'm afraid so.

You cold-fingered freak!

That was classic Sausage Or Finger?

You are now going to
touch Jessica's hand

with either a sausage or a finger.

Classic competition conditions.

Oh. Ooh!

Sneaky little fucker, aren't you?

Jessica, sausage or finger?
Oh-h-h-h-h!

Finger. She's gone.
Oh! She's gone.

No! Yeah. She has gone.

OK then, James,
please prod Kerry's neck.

What, am I putting this on?
Yes, please.

# Sausage Or Fing...? #
Don't make me laugh!

I have to focus, James.

Sausage. It was a sausage,
it was a sausage.

Classic sabotage.

Blindfold on, please.
Yeah. OK, off you go.

Phil?

Finger.

He's gone!

He's gone! Argh! He's gone!

The Iceman's gone.
We have a showdown.

At this point, I will ask you both

to stand either side of the
middle circle, and face each other.

Looks like we've got ourselves
a sausage fight.

If you could stand there.
I tell you, since I last saw you,

we've had very different times,
haven't we?

We're going to do one at a time now.

It's sudden death, which means
it's time for the forehead round.

Here we go. James...prod first.

HE MOUTHS
Finger.

It was finger. It was finger.
Great. OK.

Let's play.

Sausage.
Kerry Godliman's the winner!

Ah-hoo-hoo-hoo!

That's so cold. It's over!

Come down and join me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a new international sport
is born. Sausage Fingers.

So there was one winner.
Well, of course.

It was the Sausage Queen, Kerry,
with five points.

She gets five points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And what's that's done
to the scoreboard?

Well, they're all in
double figures,

but there is one outright leader,

and that man is Mr James Acaster
with points.

CHEERING

James Acaster wins. Go and scoop up
your magnificent stationery.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Only a matter of moments until
we find out the series champion.

But, for now,
let's allow James Acaster

to enjoy his moment once more.

James Acaster!
CHEERING

CHEERING
It was a cake!

Hello, you dear, doting viewers.

Sadly, we've come to the end of
the seventh series.

But there is only one golden head.

So there can be only one
golden winner.

It's now that I refer to my chief of
numbers to reveal the final scores.

Little Alex Horne...

what do you know?

Thank you, Greg.

So, in last place, or fifth place -

but it is last place - with ...

And I think it's worth saying
he didn't win any episodes

but he never did that badly,

so I think he deserves
an enormous ovation.

..Mr Phil Wang with .

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In fourth, and then third,
with then points...

..please give it up for,
in fourth place, James,

and in third place, Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I can now reveal that this
has been the closest series

in Taskmaster history,
with just one point separating...

Oh-ho-ho!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..first and second place. Imagine!

With points, in second place...
GREG GASPS

..it's Jessica Knappett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I knew it.

Well done, mate.

Your Series Taskmaster Champion
is Kerry Godliman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
!

God. Congratulations. Thank you.
Congratulations, Kerry.

Thank you very much.

Whoo! Kerry Godliman!

Thank you so much for watching.

Thank you, Little Alex Horne,
for being so little.

Thank you again
to our stupendous cast

and, of course, colossal
congratulations to Kerry Godliman

for becoming series champion!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Series is next. Fancy that?
We'll see you there.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE