06x04 - Dad’s Birthday

[bunniefuu]

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!

LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!

Jonny! Keep running!

Get off! What?

Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!

Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!

Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!

I did it! You weirdo.

I did it! You weirdo.

Running all the way.

Running all the way.

Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?

Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?

My champion!

Salt? You bloody arsehole!

Salt? You bloody arsehole!

Salt? You bloody arsehole!

It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!

It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!

Come in, Adam.

YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!

YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!

My little Bobble.

Running home to Mummy.

Running home to Mummy.

That was a k*ller. Classic.

That was a k*ller. Classic.

Ow!

Mum! Come through, sweetie.

Mum! Come through, sweetie.

Dead.

HE CHORTLES

Here you are, darling.

Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.

Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.

So brave? So disgusting!

SNIFFS
Oh, he stinks.

Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?

Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?

You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!

You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!

TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.

TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.

Beef? Boom! Yes!

# Bring it on! #

And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,

And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,

you know, the ones we've never met?

You thought wrong.
Very wrong.

You thought wrong.
Very wrong.

Oh, it is Dad's birthday.

Where is the birthday boy... er,
man?

Where is the birthday boy... er,
man?

And what is this doing here?

And what is this doing here?

Cos your not-mad father made me
take it all down.

Did he? He's been such a
misery guts all day.

Did he? He's been such a
misery guts all day.

I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?

I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?

LAUGHS
Finally.

Wait! Just a minute.

Wait! Just a minute.

There, Bobble. Really?

Good boy.

Good dog. Pissface!

Good dog. Pissface!

Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS

Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS

Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday.

Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!

Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!

Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you

Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you

a happy birthday?! See?

Why are you dressed like a berk?

You are in a good mood, aren't you?

Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.

Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.

Why were you running again?

Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!

Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!

Don't you remember?
For his training.

Don't you remember?
For his training.

The race, remember? Sunday?

What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.

It's not a marathon. Really?

You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.

You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.

You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.

You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.

You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?

You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?

Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?

Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?

It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.

It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.

That's what I've been training for
a quarter marathon.

Quarter marathon? Does that even
exist?

I bet you couldn't run a quarter
marathon.

Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, . miles.

Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, . miles.

. miles.

. miles.

Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!

Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!

Boys, behave!

Pusface.

Did you make these?

Seriously, do you have to be
such a d*ck?

Seriously, do you have to be
such a d*ck?

Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?

Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?

Um, no, that's just your face.

Um, no, that's just your face.

Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!

Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!

No! Adam!

No! Adam!

JONNY HOWLS

It's actually . miles.

It's actually . miles.

Oh!

So, we only got you a couple of
things,

So, we only got you a couple of
things,

cos you only asked for a
couple of things.

cos you only asked for a
couple of things.

The world's most boring
couple of things.

The world's most boring
couple of things.

Here. Is this a present?

No, it's your arse.

Course it's a present!

No need to say thank you.

It's a battery tester.
Yes.

It's a battery tester.
Yes.

Well, say thank you.

In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.

In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.

You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.

You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.

God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?

God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?

Pillock. Here! Have a pound!

Pillock. Here! Have a pound!

Ow! God, Dad! Martin!

LAUGHS
Nice sh*t, Dad.

LAUGHS
Nice sh*t, Dad.

TESTER BEEPS

It works.

It works.

You're welcome.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, please stop calling me.

SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.

SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.

Ugh! Horrible Grandma.

Ugh! Horrible Grandma.

Hello again, Cynthia.

It's Martin's birthday.

It's Martin's birthday.

I know, Cynthia.

Martin's my only son.

Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.

Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.

We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?

We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?

She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.

She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.

I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining

I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining

another of Dad's birthdays.

Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.

Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.

Huh?

Here, Mr Wonderful.

Is that my other present?

No, it's your other arse.

Drill bits. You're welcome again.

Drill bits. You're welcome again.

Where are you going?

Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.

Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.

CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?

CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?

Maybe we could drill
into his head to find out.

DRILLING
Dad! Right!

DRILLING
Dad! Right!

DRILLING
Dad! Right!

I'm not having any more of this
crap!

My drill!

Martin! It's your birthday!

Why are you being such a grumpy git
the whole time?

What are you talking about?
I'm serious.

What is going on? What?

Nothing is going on.

TUTS

Dad? Dad?

HE SIGHS
All right! God.

HE SIGHS
All right! God.

I'm not going into space.

I'm not going into space.

I'm sorry?

I'm not going into bloody space!

I'm not going into bloody space!

Wha...?

Wha...?

You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?

You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?

Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!

Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!

Did you see my spaceship outside?

Did you see my spaceship outside?

Er, have you been drinking?

Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?

Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?

I read an article.

Right.

Read it.

What? The whole article?

Oh, bleeding hell!

Oh, bleeding hell!

"Affordable space travel for all

"not expected until , say
experts."

"not expected until , say
experts."

And?

.

.

And? Well, I'll be dead
by then, won't I?

Will you? Yes.

Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?

Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?

Prats. The computer system.

It's called the internet,
but do go on.

There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth

There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth

and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,

and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,

you know, die.

Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?

Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?

I die on April th, .

I die on April th, .

Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.

Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.

No way! What?
You did the boys?

No way! What?
You did the boys?

Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!

Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!

You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...

You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...

...perish? What?

How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?

How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?

Well, you last a couple of months
after me.

Oh, my God! Incredible.
rd of June, .

Oh, my God! Incredible.
rd of June, .

Dad! Martin! Right.

Dad! Martin! Right.

Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.

Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.

Thank you so much!

You're unbelievable!

Eh? Calm down, Jackie.

It's probably not the
exact exact date.

It's probably not the
exact exact date.

Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,

Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,

because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...

because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...

Right. Thank you again!

DOORBELL

SIGHS

If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...

If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...

I am so angry with you!

I am so angry with you!

Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.

Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.

Please don't be her.

Please don't be her.

GROANS

GROANS

Jackie?

Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.

Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.

Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.

Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?

Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?

Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,

Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,

Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,

didn't we, Milson?

Um, hello, Jim.

Happy birthday, Martin.

Balls! Ugh!

Um, Jim, could I have your date of
birth, please?

OTHERS: Do not tell him!
Don't tell him that!

Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath

Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath

for an hour, hmm?
Jackie!

Bye-bye, Martin.

But, Jackie!

Anything else, Jim? Yes, um,

I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks

I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks

for the birthday boy.

What? Magic tricks?

You do magic?

Oh, yes, we've been teaching
ourselves

lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?

lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?

Look.

NERVY MUTTERINGS

NERVY MUTTERINGS

What are you doing?

Magic with my magic hankie.

Magic with my magic hankie.

Does Martin enjoy magic?

Does Martin enjoy magic?

Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.

Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.

Um, do come in, Jim.

Any card? Any card, Martin.

Any card? Any card, Martin.

Bleeding hell. Now what?

Look at the card.

And now tell me what the card is.

And now tell me what the card is.

Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.

Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.

BREATHES HEAVILY

Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?

Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?

Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?

Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?

What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!

What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!

Oh, yes. I can never do that one.

Oh, yes. I can never do that one.

Well, thanks so much, Jim.

Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?

Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?

Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?

Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.

Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.

How exciting!

Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!

Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!

Bravo! Buggers.

Bravo! Buggers.

Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!

Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!

Maybe Jim will saw him in half.

CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.

CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.

Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.

Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.

Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!

Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!

# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #

# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #

DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?

DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?

What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone. Gone?

What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone. Gone?

Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!

Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!

So that's how you get rid of Jim.

What did you pay him with?
I found quid in your purse.

What did you pay him with?
I found quid in your purse.

Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.

Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.

Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.

Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.

Boys?

Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!

Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!

Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.

Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.

Not this crap again. Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner

Not this crap again. Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner

with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?

with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?

I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.

I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.

Anyway, those two have nothing
to worry about.

They go on for years.
Please shut up.

They go on for years.
Please shut up.

Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.

You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.

You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.

Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?

Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?

Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?

Er...

.

GROANS
Wait! that's all right,
isn't it?

GROANS
Wait! that's all right,
isn't it?

GROANS
Wait! that's all right,
isn't it?

Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.

Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.

See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.

See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.

What do you think about that?

Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.

Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.

Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.

Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.

Ah! I die first?

But Adam's older than me!

Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.

Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.

Of course! My running and exercise.

Of course! My running and exercise.

HE HEAVES

July nd, .
That's when you die.

July nd, .
That's when you die.

Oh, my God! What?

Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!

Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!

July nd, .
Don't tell me, Jonny!

July nd, .
Don't tell me, Jonny!

Ow!

Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?

Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?

That is fantastic.
I need a drink.

But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?

But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?

Mars, Mars, Mars.

Mars, Mars, Mars.

Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.

Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.

Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.

Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.

Pusface!

Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?

Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?

Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.

Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.

Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.

Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.

You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.

You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.

Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?

Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?

Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!

Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!

Where are you going?
Putting my shoes on.

Pissface? Your mother!
What?

Pissface? Your mother!
What?

Oh. Yeah.

Go on, then.

March th, .

March th, .

Great.

Great.

You're running now? Now?

Yes! You can't run now.
We've got beef.

Yes! You can't run now.
We've got beef.

Can you move out of the way,
please? Jonny!

Can you move out of the way,
please? Jonny!

Yes, he has gone insane.

Right. Ready, Pusface?

Right. Ready, Pusface?

Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.

Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.

Horrible Grandma.

Happy birthday, Martin.

Happy birthday, Martin.

Balls!

Balls!

Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...

Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...

I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.

My only son.

I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?

I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?

Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.

Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.

Fair enough.

Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.

Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.

Bleeding hell, Jackie.

Why would I give Martin a present?

His birthday, perhaps?

But he's not a baby.

Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...

Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...

Horrible... ..Grandma.

I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.

I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.

Six. Yes, six.

Six. Yes, six.

I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present

I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present

I'd given him when he was five.

SHE LAUGHS

Lovely. A whistle.

Lovely.

Well, he wasn't to know, was he?

Well, he wasn't to know, was he?

Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!

Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!

I'm looking forward to the beef.

Oh, are you, Cynthia?

Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.

Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.

Get rid of her?
How am I going to get rid of her?

Er, poison?

Garrotting? Drowning in a bucket!

Any of those will do. Idiots.

I really don't care
how you get rid of her, Martin.

You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.

You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.

Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!

Ju... OK.

Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...

Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...

Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!

Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!

Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!

But, Jackie... And instead of
looking up

when your wife and kids drop dead,

why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!

why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!

Er, yes, actually!

Who the hell do you think
I looked up first?!

And? She lives to
a sh1tting hundred.

And? She lives to
a sh1tting hundred.

Of course she does. What?!

OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,

OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,

you can have your dinner with her.

you can have your dinner with her.

Huh?

Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?

Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?

Oh, yes, Cynthia.

And? Grim.

Really? How grim?

Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.

Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.

Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...

Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...

To Dad's shitty birthday!

OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!

OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!

Uh...

Er, no, you're not allowed in here!

What? Please don't send me back in
there.

Martin, go and sit with your mother!

But, Jackie,
I can't take it in there any more.

Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.

Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.

What, that long?!

Oh, hello, Mum.

There's been a little accident.

It's all over them!

Yes, I don't know how it happened.

Yes, I don't know how it happened.

I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.

I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.

It's on the walls as well!

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Yes, it is, isn't it?

And this wall?

You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?

You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?

I beg your pardon? Oh, God.

You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.

You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.

Oh, do I, Jacqueline?

Yes, you bloody do!

Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.

Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.

Er... This place is crap, is it?

Er... This place is crap, is it?

Yes. Crap.

And the food. Really?

And the food. Really?

I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".

I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".

Well, I was wrong.

It was inedible.

Sort of see that one coming.

And you know what else is crap?

No, do tell me.

Your family.

Your family is crap.

Your family is crap.

You'd better bloody say something
right now.

You'd better bloody say something
right now.

Er, Mum...

Have you finished your meal?

Oh, my God! My family's crap?!

Oh, my God! My family's crap?!

Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -

Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -

you're part of this crap family!

you're part of this crap family!

And don't I bloody know it?!

With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!

With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!

WHISPERS: Crap hair?!

And those idiotic boys,

whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.

whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.

I'm Nicholas. And I'm Lawrence.

And your son? Eh, Cynthia?

What about your son? Your only son?

What about your son? Your only son?

Well, he used to be bearable,

Well, he used to be bearable,

but then he met you.

but then he met you.

Right!

Martin?

I'm not taking this sh*t any more!

I'm not taking this sh*t any more!

You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!

You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!

Hooray!

And a terrible human being!

Hoorah!

Oh, it's all coming out now!

Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.

Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.

It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?

It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?

Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!

Cos you're the most horrible grandma
in the world.

JACKIE: Er, universe.
Multiverse. Huh?

Well, cos scientists think there
could be

any number of universes out there.

Yeah, maybe later.

Well, since you all hate me so
much...

Well, since you all hate me so
much...

And we do.

You're going home and never coming
back? No.

I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!

I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!

SHE GIGGLES

SHE GIGGLES

You're a pig!

Well, you would know!

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, my God.

What just happened?

More gin. More gin!

More gin. More gin!

GLASS SMASHES

What the...?

Huh?

Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!

Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!

OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house

OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house

in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!

in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!

Right, then, I'm getting out
of this bloody house!

Jackie... Boys, we're going for a
run.

What?! Mum?

And, Martin? Yes?

You're staying here and guarding
your lunatic of a mother.

Oh, sh1tting sh*t!

Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.

Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.

SHE GROWLS

CYNTHIA GIGGLES

Come on! Best night ever? Possible!

Come on! Best night ever? Possible!

Hello, all!

Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.

Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.

Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.

Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.

Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK?
Excuse me.

I must have it now, Jackie, I must!

I must have it now, Jackie, I must!

It's my hankie.

Your hankie.

My magic hankie.

I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.

I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.

Please hurry up. Please!

I can't believe you made her tea.

I can't believe you made her tea.

HE SPLUTTERS

It's delicious.

Oh, here it is! Silly me.

Oh, here it is! Silly me.

It was in my pocket the whole time.

It was in my pocket the whole time.

HE SNORTS

What is it?

It's my magic hankie.

Well, bye, all!

MARTIN: Er, goodbye, Jim.

Actually, Jim...

..how would you like to perform
some magic

..how would you like to perform
some magic

for my wonderful mother-in-law?

Well, get on with it, you silly man!

Well, get on with it, you silly man!

Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...

Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...

..the ten of hearts?

I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!

I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!

I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!

Oh.

Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?

Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?

Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?

Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?

I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.

I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.

Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?

Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?

Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?

Aw, how sweet.

Aw, how sweet.

Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.

Perhaps I could borrow this towel?

Perhaps I could borrow this towel?

The magic towel?

The magic towel.

And so...

..I say the magic word...

..I say the magic word...

HE STUTTERS: ..abadababadababada...

HE STUTTERS: ..abadababadababada...

..and she's gone!

Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?

Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?

What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.

What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.

Right.

And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.

And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.

Please don't.

HE STUTTERS

Cynthia?

As I said,
with such a massive heart att*ck,

she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.

she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.

All just very quick and painless.

All just very quick and painless.

A good way to go.

Thanks, Doctor. Thank you.

Thanks, Doctor. Thank you.

HE EXHALES
Wow.

Yeah.

Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I k*lled your mother...

Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I k*lled your mother...

Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I k*lled your mother...

..with my magic.

Er, right, Jim.

In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.

In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.

Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.

Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.

Good girl.

Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £
back.

Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £
back.

Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £
back.

Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.

Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.

Er... Goodbye, Jim.

Well, she definitely didn't last to
.

Well, she definitely didn't last to
.

Adam.

It's all just so strange.

It's all just so strange.

What? Being m*rder*d by magic?
Jonny!

What? Being m*rder*d by magic?
Jonny!

And on my birthday, too.

Yeah, your birthday.

Yeah, your birthday.

What a birthday.

HE SOBS

Oh, poor Dad.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Dad.

HE CRIES

That's it, Martin.

That's it, Martin.

Aw, let it all out.

Aw, let it all out.

SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER

SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER

SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER

Er... It's just nerves.

Is it nerves?

It's not nerves!

It's not nerves!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

# I change shapes just to hide in
this place

# I change shapes just to hide in
this place

# But I'm still, I'm still an animal

# But I'm still, I'm still an animal

# But I'm still, I'm still an animal

# Nobody knows it but me when I slip

# Nobody knows it but me when I slip

# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal