04x07 - Benson's Army Reunion

[bunniefuu]

(Lively jazz music)

♪

(Silence)

♪

(Footsteps)

(Audience laughter)

(Room din)

(Audience laughter)

Kraus, if that's lunch I'll

be eating out.

(Audience laughter)

You dummy, I'm not cooking,

I'm dyeing.

In that case I'll go

some place fancy and celebrate.

(Audience laughter)

See, I want to put some

pizzazz into my life, I'm dyeing

this dress red and I'm also

thinking of dyeing my hair.

Oh, really?

You need someone to hold

you under?

(Audience laughter)

Tie it in a knot!

(Audience laughter)

Dad, all I'm asking for is

a $ advance in my allowance.

I gave you a $

advance last week.

That's why I'm $ short

this week.

Benson, will you tell her

that she can't keep borrowing

to make up her deficit?

I'll tell her if

you'll tell congress.

(Audience laughter)

So, what do you say?

You're wasting all your

money on these video games.

It's just not productive.

Yes, it is.

It helps develop

eye-hand coordination.

So does sewing.

Great, lock me in a back

room, and I'll turn out

shirts all day.

(Audience laughter)

Benson, will you say

something to her?

I wear a -.

(Audience laughter)

Katie, no more quarters for

these video games.

I take it that's the end

of the discussion?

Yes.

So much for democracy.

(Audience laughter)

Oh, Benson, by the way,

are you or ?

I just told you I'm a -.

(Audience laughter)

No, I was talking about

our new telephone system.

What's your extension?

.

You can't be .

I'm .

What is wrong with the

phones around here?

I can't reach anyone.

Try dialing .

(Audience laughter)

It does not make much sense

to dial my own extension.

We all have the same number.

Isn't that cozy?

You know, somebody should

call up the telephone company

and read them the riot act.

Nothing would give me more

pleasure than to take on that

money-mad monopoly.

You know, Clayton,

you are right.

That does sound like fun.

I'm gonna call them myself.

(Laughs)

Miss Kraus: Benson.

Yeah?

Benson, this is for you.

They just delivered it to

the back door.

I didn't order a color tv.

Who's it from?

Well, I don't know.

It probably has a card inside.

"Lift here to open."

(Gasps)

It's a skunk!

(Chuckles)

Well, it certainly looks

like a skunk.

It is.

It's a cute little pet skunk.

Yeah, well, at least we all

agree it's not a color tv.

(Audience laughter)

Well, who -- who would

send you a skunk?

Probably my old army buddies.

We're having a reunion this

weekend, and they like

practical jokes.

Well, get it out of

my kitchen before it

stinks up the place.

I am not touching this skunk.

(Audience laughter)

Oh, you two are being

so silly.

This is a harmless little

creature, more accurately

known as Mephitis-Mephitis.

Thank you, Marlin Perkins.

(Audience laughter)

It's obviously

been descented.

Yeah, I don't know.

I wouldn't trust that.

You don't know my

old army buddies.

Fortunately not, but I do

know a domesticated skunk

when I see one.

You come with me.

We're going to be

great friends, yes.

Yes.

Would you believe it?

To a skunk, he's nice.

Good Mephitis-Mephitis, yes.

Good.

Good Mephitis.

Good Me-- bad!

Bad Mephitis!

Bad! Bad Mephitis!

(Audience laughter)

Denise: hello?

Hello, hello?

Denise.

Hello!

(Mockingly) Hello!

Would you call the Zoo

and find out if they

want to adopt a skunk.

Sure, Benson.

Hello!

Hello?!

What are you doing?

The phones aren't ringing

so every now and then I check

to see if anyone is calling in.

Benson: Uh-huh.

Hello?!

(Audience laughter)

Hello?

(Room din)

(Audience laughter)

Denise.

Yup?

Can I see you for a moment?

Sure Benson.

There's a gorilla outside

the window.

Would you ask it to step

in here a minute?

Oh, you.

No, really, go to the window

there and holler out and

tell him to come in here.

Oh, come on.

Quit kidding around.

It's okay.

Here he is now.

Aah!

Oh!

Oh, isn't he terrific?

He scared the stuffing out

of you guys.

Wait a minute.

That's not a real gorilla.

The real gorilla is inside

the suit.

How you doing, Danny?

Oh, Sarge.

How'd you know it was me?

Well, you haven't changed

much in five years.

You still need a shave.

How you doing, sir?

How you doing?

How'd you get in here?

I got him past the guard.

I said he was Clayton's brother.

(Audience laughter)

Denise, this is my old army

buddy, Danny Miller.

Nice to meet you.

Would you like me to, uh,

hang up your head?

No, I'll just hold on to it.

Two heads are better than one.

(Laughter)

Not if they're both empty.

Oh, good, sergeant!

The Sarge could always come

up with a topper.

Hey, listen, come on, Pete.

These guys have a lot

to talk about.

Yeah, you're lucky.

You know, the guys I was in the

service with never get

together for a reunion.

Really?

Yeah.

At least, not that I know of.

(Audience laughter)

So, how you doing?

Where's Jay and Scotty?

They should be here, Sarge.

I'm telling you, there has

been a terrible mistake.

Benson, would you tell

these immigration officials

who I am?

I have never seen this

woman before in my life.

(Audience laughter)

Come on, Benson.

They're going to send me back

to Bavaria.

Al vidi se, mama.

(Audience laughter)

Let's go, sister.

Benson!--

Oh, come on,

Kraus, relax.

These are my old army buddies.

(Laughter)

Another dumb army joke.

Aah!

Oh, go climb a building.

(Audience laughter)

Oh, hey, Scotty.

Jay.

Hey, Sarge.

You guys are still up to

the same old thing.

Hey, just like old times,

right, Sarge?

Right -- I'm working,

and you guys are goofing off.

That's what a reunion is for.

Wait till you guys hear

about the deal I got

for you, huh?

Oh, another deal from Scotty.

No, no, you're gonna

love this one.

Yeah, well, why don't you

save it till tonight?

No, no, if it's bad news,

let him tell us now.

Do I have to pull

rank on you guys?

You wouldn't do that, Sarge.

All right, you sorry excuses

for human beings, fall in!

Oh!

(Laughs)

All of you -- dress it up!

Dress it up!

Atten-hut!

Oh, boy, this brings

back memories.

About-face!

Oh, oh!
Forward...hooah!

♪ Standing tall and
looking good ♪

♪ Ought to be out
in Hollywood ♪

♪ Sound off ♪

♪ , ♪

♪ End count ♪

♪ , , , , , ♪

♪ , ! ♪

(Laughs)

♪

I'll give you a hand

with this, Benson.

Okay.

(Metal rattling)

Now you know why we

never let you carry the a*mo.

(Audience laughter)

Hello, Tim.

This is your dad.

Let me talk to mom.

What do you mean she's

not at home?

She's pregnant.

She has to be at home.

Hey, Sarge, what did you do

with my jacket?

I hung it up in the closet.

(Room din)

Shopping?!

Well, you get right over to

that store and help her.

Because I'm worried,

that's why.

Okay, I'll call you back.

Goodbye.

Boy, maybe I better fly home.

Yeah, maybe you should--

nothing more dangerous than

a pregnant woman with

credit cards.

(Audience laughter)

All right, Scotty, let's

hear all about your big deal.

Okay.

Here, take one of these.

What is it?

It's a proposal.

Does this have anything to

do with the rigs you drive?

Yeah, and my boss is just

about ready to retire,

and I've always been one of his

top drivers, so he's gonna give

me the first shot at buying

the trucking company.

And believe me, the price is

right, so I want you guys to

invest with me.

Invest?

Oh, Scotty, come on, man.

I haven't got any bread.

This trip was a major

investment for me.

Oh, I'd like to help

you, Scotty, but I got two kids

in college and one on the way,

which reminds me, man, can

I use your phone?

Can I send you the bill?

I'm reversing the charges.

How about you, Sarge?

No way, Scotty.

I work for the state.

So?

Well, I'm involved in

trucking regulations.

If I invest in an interstate

trucking outfit, I mean,

there could be problems.

Why?

Because it's a conflict

of interest.

I'd like to help.

Don't sweat it.

This is a good deal.

I'm not gonna have any

problem finding a partner.

Hello, Brenda?!

It's me!

Yeah, I tried calling

you earlier, but, I mean, I only

got Tim on the phone!

Jay, if you're gonna

talk that loud, you don't

need the phone.

(Audience laughter)

Well, I think I got a

lousy connection!

No, no, no, that was

Benson talking to me!

Ain't that something --

she can hear me, but she

can't hear him.

(Audience laughter)

Now I can hear you, darling.

Are you okay?

Do you need anything?

Oh, oh, okay.

I'll call you back.

I love you, baby.

She had to get off the phone

because somebody was ringing

the doorbell.

(Doorbell rings)

(Audience laughter)

Whoa.
(The twilight zone music)

♪ Doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo ♪

Huh?

This is weird, man.

It's like The Twilight Zone.

Yes?

I'm Kim Mon Ju.

(Audience laughter)

Who?

Don't you remember, Sarge?

Kim Mon Ju.

I was your prisoner of w*r.

(Audience laughter)

I'm here for the reunion.
(The Twilight Zone music)

♪ Doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪

(Audience laughter and applause)

(Silence)

♪

How ya doin', Sarge?

Well, I don't believe it.

Come on in, come on in.

Benson: You remember

Jay, Scotty.
Yeah, how you doing?

(Laughter)

Where'd you come from?

Dallas.
I'm a cowboy now.

(Audience laughter)

Well, you look a little small

to be playing football.

Hey, don't laugh.

My oldest son plays

college ball.

So does mine.

And my wife is having a baby.

Hey, that reminds me -- can

I use your phone again, Sarge?

Yeah, you know, use

the one in the den, Jay.

Sit down, Kim.

Have a drink.

Hey, Kim, it's really good

to see you, buddy.

How did you find us, anyway?

Oh, I was in town.

I have a store here.

Then I saw Benson's picture

in the paper and the article

about the reunion.

What's all this stuff

about the store?

Oh, I have a small chain

of convenience stores.

Have you heard of run-run shops?

You own those stores?

Only about of them.

Benson: Hmm.

Wow.

Hey, everything is okay,

and she hasn't had
a pain all day.

(Audience laughter)

Well, no wonder, you're here.

(Audience laughter and applause)

Hey, Jay, you missed it, man.

Kim here is a

regular millionaire.

No kidding.

Well, my accountant's

a millionaire.

A millionaire?

I didn't even know you were

in this country.

Yeah. Do you remember

Lieutenant Henley?

Oh, yeah, Lieutenant Henley,

the -day wonder?

The only guy who went through
the w*r without getting dirty?

(Audience laughter)

Well, he wasn't so bad.

After it was all over,

he helped me become an

American citizen.

Well, congratulations, Kim.

It's fantastic, Kim.

Isn't it wonderful?

That's great;

it's a success story.

Yes, America's

been good to me.

It looks like it's

been good to you.

That Italian suit must have

cost a few bucks.

This isn't Italian.

It's made in America.

Where I got my money,
that's where I spend my money.

(Audience cheers and applause)

You running for political

office or something?
I don't have that much money.

(Audience laughter)

Well, it's certainly hard

to believe that you're the same

scrawny -year-old kid that

we captured at Gwangju.

I'll never forget that day.

Boy, I was really surprised

to see you guys.

Always take your r*fle
into the outhouse with you.

(Laughing)

Oh, that reminds me.

Oh, oh, pictures of the kids?

I got some pictures of mine,

too. Where's my wallet?

Oh, I left it by the phone.

I'll be right back.

You might as well call your
wife while you're in there.

(Audience laughter)

Very funny.

This is what I wanted

to show you.

Anybody know what it is?

No, what is it?

I'll give you a hint.

Remember the poker game

in Pusan?

Yeah, where you cleaned

us all out?

Do you remember, Scotty?

Yeah, sure, I remember.

What about it?

This is your marker for $.
I kept it the whole years.

(Laughing)

Oh, let me see that thing.

Look at it.

What is this written on?

Army-issued toilet paper.
No wonder it lasted years.

(Audience laughter)

Look at this, Scotty.

You signed that baby

years ago, man.

Yeah. Guess I did, huh?

Hey, hold it.
That's worth bucks.

(Chuckling)

(Rustling)

Here's bucks.
Add it to your millions.

(Footsteps)

Hey, Scotty, I didn't
want your bucks.

(Light thud)

Did I say something wrong?

You got me.

Here we go, Kim.

Looky here, man.

Pictures up front.

There's my son.

Where's Scotty?

He just, uh, flipped out

and took off.

What's the matter with him?

Me.

No, no, no, no, Kim.

He's got business problems.

Yeah, that's all it is.

Forget it.
No, Sarge, it's me.

♪

Excuse me, Benson.

Scotty's here.

Oh, come on in, Scotty.

By the way, Denise, have you

heard from the phone company?

How could I?

We don't have any phones.

Right.

I'm gonna grab a sandwich.

Okay.

Have a seat, Scotty.

I'm glad you dropped by early.

I think I found the money for

your trucking company.

That's great, that's great.

But I thought you had a

conflict of interest.

No, no, no, it's not me.

I think I found you

a silent partner.

Oh, that's the best kind.

Who is it?

Kim.

Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

What's wrong with

Kim's money?

Well, I-- I just didn't risk

three years of my life to end up

with the enemy as my partner.

What enemy?

Kim's from Dallas.

Uh, alright.

If you want to ignore reality,

that's up to you.

Scotty, the reality is that

an American with a hefty bank

account thinks enough of your

idea to invest in it.

Look, if you guys want him at

the reunion, it's no skin off my

nose, but I don't have to have
him as my partner.

(Knocking)

Oh, hi, Scotty.

Having a good time?

Oh, yeah,
the time of my life.

(Light audience laughter)

Listen, Benson,
I wanted to ask you--

(Cell phone rings)

Excuse me.

Did your coat just ring?

Oh, that's my portable phone.

They gave it to me in case

of an emergency.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Senator, yes.

I wanted to talk to you about

the farm bill.

Uh, listen, uh, let me put

you on hold till I get back

to my office, okay?

Uh... I don't see a

hold button, so I'll just
put you in my pocket.

(Audience laughter)

Benson, Jay and Danny

are here.

Benson: Oh, okay.

Ready to go, Benson?

Benson: Yep.

Hey, Governor. How you doing?

Hi, Governor.

You coming to the

party tonight, Governor?

Party?

Yeah, just the guys.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Yeah, you know,

the five of us. (Chuckles)

No, it's not.

I invited Krausy.
You did what?

(Audience laughter)

And the little guy,

what's his name?

Pete?

Danny: Yeah.

Benson, is there some reason

you don't want me to come?

I didn't say I didn't

want you to come.

I just thought it was

the five of us.

Now that it isn't,

of course you're invited.

Well, if there's some

reason that you don't want

me there just say--

No, I-- I don't--

(Stuttering) Come!

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Oh, wait a minute.

I can't come to dinner.

I'm gonna have dinner

with Clayton. (Light chuckle)

What a shame.

Yeah. Oh, I know,

we can have it at your house.

Oh, of course.

I haven't forgotten
you, Senator.

(Audience laughter)

♪

(Laughing)

(Projector clicks)

hey, here we are swimming
in the Soyang River.

(Laughing)

Hey, I remember this

softball game.

Hey, softball, swimming;

was there any fighting?

Once, over a close
play at third.

(Audience laughter)

Here we are in front of a

geisha house in Tokyo.

Oh-ho!

Who's the blond guy?

He's adorable.

Big deal. I could be blond.

Yeah, but could
you be adorable?

(Audience laughter)

That's Andy.

He was from Oklahoma.

That kid wasn't

afraid of anything.

Hmm, why didn't he

come to the reunion?

He was k*lled in Korea.

Oh.

I liked Andy.

He called me cousin.

He called everybody cousin.

Everybody except

the officers.

Yeah, he didn't have

any names for them,
so he just made gestures.

(Laughing)

I see no humour in

denigrating authority.

I myself was an officer.

You're right, Clayton,

that isn't funny.

Kim: You were in the army?

No, I was in the Marines.

All: The Marines?

Yes, the Marines.

Tell them your combat

stories, Clayton.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I was with the Adjutant

General's office in DC.

See? Told you.

It was a horrible duty.

He spent the entire tour

escorting debutantes

to fancy dress balls.

Believe me,

dating congressmen's daughters

can be as dangerous as combat.

Clayton was decorated for

fox-trotting above and
beyond the call of duty.

(Laughing)

(Applause)

♪

Yeah, it was nice of

you guys to come.

Oh, thanks, Benson.

Thanks a lot.

See you tomorrow.

Good night, Pete.
Bye-bye, Denise. Take care.

(Light thud)

Danny, may I cut in?

Well, certainly, Sarge.

So, you want to dance

with me, eh, Benson?

Kraus, it's quarter to :.

You're such a party pooper.

I got to play golf with

these guys in the morning.

Okay, I can take a hint.
Well, good night, fellas.

♪

Well, don't everybody leap

to their feet.

Oh, good night, Gretchen.

Gretchen, I just want

to say-- I just want to say

that, in my book, you're okay.
Shake.

(Electricity crackles)

Oh!

Good night, you bozos.

Good night, Gretchen.

Good night.

Okay. One down, four to go.

Aw, come on, Sarge.

We want to watch the

slides one more time.

Jay, we got to be on

the tee at :.
Whoa, Scotty, go back one.

(projector clicks)

Yeah, you remember this, guys?

Thanksgiving, .

Yeah, the big feast.

Yeah, some feast; roast

pigeons stuffed with Spam.

We had some

good times together.

I just wish we'd had

some good food together.

Lots of memories.

Wait a minute.

They aren't your memories,

they're our memories.

Hey, I was there, too.

Yeah, but you were

on the wrong side.

Hey, wait a minute, Scotty.

No, he's way out of line.

Scotty, you're the one

that's out of line.

Hey, this is supposed

to be fun.

Maybe I shouldn't have come.

My sentiments exactly.

Scotty!

Kim, you're welcome here, man.

Let's get a slide,

Sarge, huh?

Wait a minute.

What's wrong with you guys?

We fought a w*r over

there, remember?

Andy died. What for?

So we can just sit around and

pass the chip dip to the enemy?

I'm not the enemy.

Scotty, no man in this room

was responsible for that w*r.

We were all in the same

situation. We were all victims.

Well, am I supposed to

cozy up with them now?

Kim offered to help you

because he considers you a

friend, and you're letting

hate stand in the way.

I don't hate him.

Well, what's the problem,

then, Scotty?

I don't know!

Maybe-- maybe just seeing

him again brought back all

that bad stuff.

No, something more than that

is eating at you, Scotty.

What is it?

Look, I have been pushing

a rig around for years,

and I'm getting nowhere.

And some-- some lousy POW

comes over here and makes a
million bucks. It stinks!

(Room din)

Kim is not some lousy POW.

This is the kid that

we thought of as a little

brother years ago.
Let it go, man.

(Room din)

It'll eat you up.

Is this a party or what?

We're supposed

to be celebrating.

Instead of celebrating

the w*r, we should be

remembering what really

went on over there.

We lost a lot of buddies.

It was a bad time.

For all of us.
Yeah.

(Dramatic instrumental music)

Gentlemen, as the ranking

noncom of this outfit,

I'd like to propose a toast.

To all the men

who died in w*r...

it's in your memory that
we pray for peace.

♪

(Audience applause)

♪

Friends?
Partners.

(Clink)

Hey, hey, hey.
Alright!

(Audience applause)

(Upbeat instrumental music)

(Footsteps)

Ooh, Benson, I'm so glad

you're here.

Would you like a snack?

No, thanks, Kraus.

I'm getting coffee.

Oh, I have just the thing

to go with that, salted peanuts.

Salted peanuts and coffee?

Sure. Here, have some.

Mm-hmm.

You can hear them inside.

I'll bet.

Laugh-A-Lot-Peanuts.
My favourite brand.

(Light audience laughter)

Yeah, help yourself.

Thank you very much.
I'm going to open them.

(Chuckling)

(Light audience laughter)

It seems stuck.

It can't be stuck.

Well, I-- I--

I can't get it.
Oh, here. Give me that.

(Audience laughter)

(Audience applause)

♪

(Upbeat theme music)

♪

(Dynamic musical swell)