Hello.
You're still mad
at me, huh?
I've never been
so embarrassed
in my life.
Denise, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for you
to see me like that.
Your dinner invitation
was for :.
I got there
right on time
and you come the door
in your underwear.
What am I
supposed to think?
Well, I didn't know
you were gonna
be on time.
I was making
a spaghetti sauce.
I didn't wanna
get my clothes dirty.
Your parents
still upset?
Well, not mom.
She used to work
at the Veteran's hospital.
But daddy wants
to have you arrested.
I have a right to walk
around my apartment
in my underwear.
Look, I don't think
we should see
each other for a while.
At least not until
daddy's calmed down.
Good morning.
DENISE:
Good morning, Benson.
Benson, how'd that TV
thing go yesterday?
You didn't watch it?
Who gets up
that early
on a Sunday?
Priests, football players,
guys you sucker
into doing stupid
talk shows.
You didn't go on
with that attitude,
did you?
You should've
seen it, Pete.
He was really cute.
You were cute on
"Face The Issues"?
I wasn't even awake
on "Face The Issues."
It was :
in the morning.
Benson, these shows
are important.
There's an election year
coming up.
If you want the Governor
to get re-elected,
you have to do
your part.
I will.
I'll vote for him.
That's not enough.
They won't let me vote
more than once.
But you could be
at Channel
tonight at
Yeah, and I could be at home,
getting some sleep.
Benson, you're gonna be
the main guest
on that talk show,
"After Hours."
"Main guest".
Who are the others?
Uh, a guy who wrote
a book about trains,
a beauty consultant,
the dog from Annie,
and you.
The dog from Annie.
I'm not about to try
to explain the economy
between arfs.
If you don't mind,
I'll pass on this one.
You're not giving me
much notice.
I'm giving you about as much
notice as you gave me.
Ah, Peter, here you are.
Anywhere but
in your own office.
This is a draft of
the Governor's speech.
You may release it
to the press.
Thank you, Clayton.
I want to talk to you
in one second.
Benson, you've got to
do this for me.
I already promised
that somebody
from the Governor's staff
would be there.
Pete, I've done enough
of those things.
Ask Clayton.
Ask Clayton what?
That's a good idea.
You'd be perfect
for this spot.
Now, Peter,
I am not interested
in one of your
harebrained schemes.
This is your big chance,
Clayton.
He wants you to appear on TV
with a Broadway star.
Oh? Well, let's discuss
this over coffee.
About the star...
No, no. Don't tell me...
I want to be surprised.
Here's your mail,
Benson.
I'm going on
a coffee break.
Coffee break? You've only
been at work minutes.
I know, but Captain
Mcdermott just called,
and he's on his way over,
and I'd rather not be here.
I sort of hate him.
Oh, hello,
Captain Mcdermott.
Hello, there,
little lady.
Looking mighty
attractive today.
Thank you.
You sure know how
to pick them, Benson.
You sure know
how to offend them.
What do you want,
Mcdermott?
Simple answers, Benson.
What's the idea
of sh**ting down
my new security budget?
Too much money.
Simple enough?
Benson, we've got
to beef up security.
Fine. Put Kraus
on the front gate.
This is no joking matter.
Now, as you know,
I recently attended
a t*rror1st convention.
You wouldn't believe
some of the stuff
they've got there.
I saw an electronic
eavesdropping device
that can pick up
the sound of a snail
crawling through
the garden.
Mcdermott, I can't see
spending the taxpayers' money
on stuff like that.
Sure, sure.
Wait till the last minute.
You're the kind of guy to try
to put on a seat belt
in the middle
of an accident.
Why take chances?
Mcdermott,
life is a chance.
We fly in planes
without parachutes.
We cross against the light.
We get in the express lane
at the supermarket
with more than items.
Fine, Benson, fine.
But if some crazy
busts in here
and splatters your brains
all over the wall,
don't say
I didn't warn you.
Thank you, Mr. Sunshine.
Well, Benson,
I saw you on television
yesterday morning.
You got up at :
just to watch me?
Ja. It was worth it.
Just to turn
your sound off.
Well, then you didn't hear
what I said about you.
You mentioned
my name on TV?
Kind of.
We were discussing
government waste.
Morning, Benson.
Hi, Miss Kraus.
Morning, sugar.
Could I have
my lunch in a plain
paper bag today?
Why?
There's someone in our school
stealing lunches,
but only lunches
in paper bags.
But why do you want
your lunch stolen?
Marylou Fitzer and I
are gonna trap the bandit
using my lunch as bait.
The lunch Kraus gave you?
(LAUGHS)
Don't you want to catch
him alive?
All right, Katie,
I'll put your lunch
in a paper bag.
Good morning, everyone.
KRAUS: Good morning.
Lovely day, isn't it?
Who is that?
Must be a new maid.
Are you finished
with the paper?
Ma'am? Oh, yeah.
(HORN HONKS)
Ooh, Katie,
school bus is here.
Thanks, Miss Kraus.
Bye, everybody,
see you later!
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Have a nice day, Katie.
Uh...
Benson?
Huh?
(WHISTLES)
Who is that woman?
I thought
she worked for you.
No.
Excuse me, ma'am?
You can call me Nellie,
daughter of Osiris.
She's the daughter
of Osiris.
I'm here to see the Governor.
Morning, everybody.
KRAUS: Good morning,
Governor.
Good morning, sir.
Oh, hello.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Gene Gatling.
I'm Nellie Vanderwig.
GOVERNOR: Oh.
And I have a message for you,
Governor.
Starships from
Alpha Centauri
will be landing here at
the Capitol within the hour.
GOVERNOR: Oh...
Well, thank you,
Nellie,
for bringing that
to my attention.
One of their scout ships
brought me over here today.
I didn't see
any scout ship.
Of course not.
I told it not to wait.
Nellie, why don't we call
another scout ship
and have them
take you home?
I can't do that
right now.
I'm supposed to
bring the Governor
to the landing site.
Uh, Governor, don't you
have other business
elsewhere
in the mansion?
Oh, it's all right,
Benson.
I'm sure Nellie doesn't
mean us any harm.
Oh, no!
I'm an advanced being.
See?
And even if I did
want to harm you,
you couldn't stop me.
Rays from my eyes
can incinerate
human flesh.
Well, Nellie,
they call me Benson,
son of Ben.
I, too, am
an advanced being.
An "advanced being".
Ha!
I feel that this woman
wishes you ill,
son of Ben.
Nellie, you don't know
the half of it.
Should I
incinerate her?
Could you just toast
her a little?
Benson!
Well, never mind.
Would you like
to accompany me?
Where are you
taking me?
If you don't mind,
I'd like to introduce you
to Captain Mcdermott.
Is he an advanced being?
Only compared to Kraus.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Where's Mcdermott?
He called this meeting.
Well, he should be here.
Do you suppose
it slipped his mind?
It wouldn't have
far to slip.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Come in, Captain.
Morning, Governor.
Morning, soldier.
All right, do you men
know why I called
this briefing?
Benson.
We're going over the top
at .
It's about
the security budget.
Today a -year-old woman
breached our perimeter.
But how did that happen?
Well, we figure
she slipped in
with the help.
Oh, that explains it.
Or she came in
with a tour.
That's good, too.
Or she vaulted over
the back wall.
Maybe Mr. Spock
beamed her down.
Well, she inflicted no
casualties, fortunately,
so after thorough
questioning,
she was released
from our custody.
You're lucky she didn't
get you with her
death-ray eyes.
Benson, you don't believe
in that stuff, do you?
Death rays?
Star people
aren't violent.
Mcdermott, you must do
all your reading
in the supermarket
check-out line.
What is the point
of all this?
It was a -year-old
woman.
Mm-hmm.
And next time it could be
b*mb-tossing Bolsheviks.
Governor, he's getting
carried away.
He's paranoid.
Well, Benson,
up till this morning,
I might have
agreed with you,
but what if the
-year-old lady
had been somebody
who wanted to harm Katie
or me or any of us?
I think we need
to reconsider
Captain Mcdermott's
security idea.
What for?
One of Mcdermott's
men slipped up
and let a harmless little
old lady in the house.
That's no reason to spend
thousands of dollars
on electronic snail traps.
I'm not gonna make
my decision right away,
but I wanted you to know
in case I decide
to ask for the allocation.
Okay.
All right, Governor,
the ball's in your court.
Yes, Captain.
I know.
And as for you, Benson,
back off.
You don't seem
to understand
the problem we have
in security.
I don't have to
understand it,
Mcdermott.
I'm looking at it.
Aah!
I'm sorry, sir,
I didn't mean
to startle you.
Oh, you didn't startle me.
You scared the pants off me.
Good thing
you're wearing a robe.
I've been listening
to Mcdermott all day long,
and I guess
I'm a little jumpy.
Yeah, he's blowing
this whole thing
out of proportion.
No reason to be jumpy.
Oh, you're right.
(ALL GASP LOUDLY)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Hi!
(ALL SCREAM)
I couldn't sleep.
I'm excited about
tomorrow.
Is there
something special
about tomorrow?
Yeah. We've got
a foolproof plan to
catch the lunch bandit.
What, your plan
didn't work today?
It half worked.
He stole my lunch.
So? What's
tomorrow's plan?
Doug O'Dell's father's
a dentist.
He's gonna give us some
of those little tablets
you chew up
and stain your teeth.
Und you are going
to put them
in your lunches.
Ah, what a great idea.
Yeah. Then when we
find someone
with purple teeth,
we'll have the bandit.
Honey, I think
you better get
back to bed.
Ja, come on.
I'll tuck you in.
Benson,
what are you
doing here?
Pete told me you
had a television
interview tonight.
Clayton's filling in
for me.
Oh.
I guess we
should watch it.
What time's it on?
Don't worry.
We already missed it.
That's too bad.
Yes, it is.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
I'll get it.
Hello.
Yes, this is the Governor.
What?
Where is he?
All right,
I'll be right there.
Benson, I want you
to come with me.
Where?
County hospital.
Somebody hurt?
Clayton.
He was leaving
the television studio,
and he got mugged.
All right, Clayton.
What did you do
right after the guy
hit you with the rock?
I did what anyone else
would do.
I started to bleed.
Don't get mad
at me, fella.
You're the guy
that parked in the dark
corner of that parking lot.
I always park away
from everyone else.
I don't like to get
my fenders dented.
So you got your head
dented instead, huh?
Ought to have it examined.
Captain Mcdermott,
can we just stick
to the subject, please?
This guy is
a mugger's dream,
Governor.
Now, what happened
after you got hit
with the rock?
Oh, Governor,
I have a headache.
I've already given this
information to the police.
Captain Mcdermott's
just double-checking, Clayton.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Oh, Benson,
Captain Mcdermott
is reviewing what
happened last night.
And since you took
Clayton home
from the hospital,
he wants to ask you
some questions.
I only know
what Clayton told me.
All right, Benson.
Did anything about Clayton's
story strike you as unusual?
Only the fact
that he was mugged,
and they didn't
steal anything.
They didn't take anything?
You didn't know that?
I'll ask the questions
around here, Benson.
They didn't
take anything?
He just
told you. No.
What's the point
in mugging somebody
if you don't take anything?
If money was not the motive,
something else had to be.
Now, what does
that leave?
Lust.
I've had enough
of this levity.
I'm going
to my office.
Hold it.
Suppose they were
after Clayton.
Ah, you mean
this wasn't just
a random mugging.
They were after me.
You think this was
an assassination attempt.
With a rock?
A lot of crazies
out there
have got gripes against
the government, Benson.
You guys
are easy targets.
You mean somebody
att*cked Clayton
because he was angry
at the government?
It's part of the sickness
that's spreading through
our society, Governor.
Along with the preppy look.
Benson, if Mcdermott
is right,
this is very serious.
Look, the guy hit Clayton.
Clayton didn't go down.
The guy split.
Now, what are you trying
to prove, Mcdermott?
My point, Benson.
Everybody in this government
needs protection.
There are crazies out there.
We have got to
beef up security.
Are you gonna
start that again?
Well, Benson,
he's not wrong.
Clayton did
a stupid thing.
What?
Clayton, you should have
known better.
Alone in a dark
parking lot
in a bad section of town,
you got mugged.
Didn't you see
"Where's poppa?"
What is this man
talking about?
Just because you were mugged
doesn't mean
there's a conspiracy
against the government.
You may be right, Benson,
but if somebody
att*cked Clayton
because he's
in this government,
which one of us
might be next?
Captain Mcdermott,
I want you to give
immediate attention
to the protection
of our people.
Top priority, sir.
Sorry to sh**t you down
on this one, Benson.
But I'm a big man.
I'm not gonna gloat.
Yahoo!
(HORN HONKS)
Oh, Katie.
Your guard is ready
to drive you to school.
I put your lunch
in the lunch box.
I'm all out
of paper bags.
Oh, that's all right.
We found out
who's stealing our lunches.
Oh! You little trick
with the thing
that stains the teeth
worked, huh?
Yeah. When we found
the bandit,
he had purple teeth.
Well, who was it?
The janitor's dog.
Hi, Clayton.
Morning, Katie.
Good morning,
Miss Kraus.
Good morning, Clayton.
Good morning, Louis.
Uh, Clayton,
doesn't he ever talk?
Not while he's on duty.
He's here for
my protection,
not conversation.
If I wanted chitchat,
I'd have d*ck Cavett
following me around.
Good morning, Benson.
I thought you said
it was safe in here.
Good morning, Walter.
Gee! Another Silent Sam.
Horrible job.
You have to listen
to Kraus and you
can't talk back.
Well, the doctor
took my stitches
out this morning.
Did he give you
a balloon?
Morning, everybody.
Morning.
Isn't this
a lovely day?
It's days like this
that make me miss
the wide-open spaces.
I miss the wide-open
kitchen.
He has a point, fellas.
Uh, hi, Jim.
Hi, Charlie.
Nothing.
Excuse me.
Hot.
Did Katie get off
all right?
Ja, her guard drove her
to school.
Hope he doesn't mind
repeating the sixth grade.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Pete.
KRAUS: Hi, Pete.
Cool it. I'm just
getting coffee.
KRAUS: Hi, Jerry.
Hi.
Oh, Benson, Mcdermott
wants another security
meeting today.
More security?
Doesn't he have enough?
There is no such thing
as enough security.
I've learned my lesson.
You have to insulate yourself
against the criminal elements.
It's become
very frightening.
Yeah. It's every man
for himself.
That's why I bought
a w*apon.
Peter, you have a g*n?
Now, that's frightening.
I bought a pool cue.
It's much better than a g*n.
You don't have to load it.
You don't have to aim it.
But you do have
to chalk it.
I always carry a can of mace.
Really?
Mace? Pool cues?
Armed guards?
Where's it all gonna end?
You people act like
you're scared to death.
Shouldn't we be?
Good morning, Denise.
Good morning, Benson.
Uh, what's wrong
with my door?
Oh, they had new locks
installed last night.
They're electronic.
Electronic?
Do they open?
Uh-huh,
with a -digit code.
Nine digits, huh?
One more digit
and I can call
Puerto Rico.
Thank you.
Oh, no, Benson,
you're supposed
to memorize it.
Oh, I see.
An unlisted door.
Oh, and you had
a phone call
this morning.
A Gloria Hampton.
Gloria Hampton.
I've been trying to get
in touch with her
for three weeks.
What'd she say?
Oh, well, first she said,
"Hello."
Then she wanted to know
if you were here,
and I said you weren't.
So she asked if she could
leave a message,
and I said, "Sure.
Let me get a pencil."
Can I just have
the message, Denise?
Oh, yes. She wanted to have
lunch with you today.
Here's her number.
Great. Call Smitty's.
Tell them I want
a reservation
for two at :.
Three.
No, three people.
You, Gloria, and Walter,
your guard.
That guy's not going
to lunch with me.
He has to.
No, no, no, no, no.
If Gloria decides
to attack me,
I don't want J. Edgar Hoover
to interfere.
Call the restaurant.
Very funny, Benson.
I want you to memorize
that number.
Mcdermott, I don't need
you to annoy me now.
I got Walter.
I have your
security kit here.
Identification tag
to be worn at all times,
I.D. card to be carried
at all times,
and a sticker
for your car.
Where's my secret
decoder ring?
Benson, security
is no joking matter.
Now, if Julius Caesar
had listened to his
security people,
he'd be alive today.
But he'd be very old.
Are your windows working?
I think so.
I see a tree.
No, no.
I mean the alarms.
All these windows
have been wired now,
including this one
in your bathroom here.
Don't open any of them
till you call my office.
And one more thing.
Security meeting
in the Governor's office
this afternoon.
And memorize that number.
Denise.
DENISE: Yes?
How do I get
in the bathroom?
Oh. ---...
Okay, hold on.
---...
--...
--...
-.
-.
Hello, son of Ben.
Nellie, I don't know
how you got in there,
but could you wait
right here a minute?
And one last thing.
I want every
senior staff member
to qualify
on the p*stol range.
Captain Mcdermott,
I really don't
want to fire a g*n.
Security's not my job.
It's your job.
Yes, sir, I know that.
But what if your guard
has to go to the can?
He's right, sir.
We could cover him.
All I'm saying, sir,
is that one day
it might come down to you
protecting your own hide.
Governor, isn't this
security business
just getting
a little silly?
We've lost track
of reality.
We can't live our lives behind
electronic fences with dogs
and bodyguards and everybody
carrying a w*apon.
I mean, we're putting
ourselves in prison
rather than going out
and changing those things
that caused the problem.
You can't change
human nature, Benson.
You got to realize
we all stink.
There's a lovely thought
for a mother's day card.
Well, if you don't want
to arm yourself,
that's fine with me,
Benson.
But everybody
on the street's
packing a rod.
So that's our choice.
Carry a g*n or hide.
I don't want to live in
a fortress, either, Benson,
but what else can we do?
Governor, if we separate
ourselves from the people,
if we stop trusting
each other,
it's just gonna get worse.
I mean, we've got to
go out there and do
our job unafraid.
That's what we
signed on for.
And these security measures
will guarantee your safety
so you can do your job.
Mcdermott, there are
no guarantees.
If somebody's determined
to get you,
there's no way
you can stop them.
He doesn't know what
he's talking about, sir.
I'd like to see somebody
get in this mansion.
I was hoping
you'd say that.
NELLIE: Hello, Governor.
Captain Mcdermott.
Nice to see
you again.
How did she get in here?
I found her in my office.
I brought her down
here a few minutes
before the meeting.
How did she get
into your office?
Nellie?
I came in with that
nice man who installed
all your locks.
He even gave me
a hard-boiled egg.
But I can't eat eggs.
I worship them.
Thank you, Nellie.
Would you mind waiting
outside for me?
As you wish,
son of Ben.
I don't know about you,
Captain Mcdermott,
but I feel
a little foolish.
I think we'll just
go back to the
usual security
and cancel those
bodyguards.
You're the boss,
Governor.
Hope you're satisfied,
Benson.
Mcdermott, man to man,
with you on the job,
I feel safe.
Oh, that kind of makes
my day, soldier.
Keep your powder dry,
ace.
Benson,
do you mean that?
With Mcdermott
on the job
you feel safe?
A lot safer than
I would with him
roaming the streets.
Hey, how come nobody
picked me up
from school today?
I guess it was
a mix-up, Katie.
Mcdermott must have
canceled your driver.
Why doesn't anybody
ever tell me
these things?
I had to walk
all the way home.
It took me two hours.
Two hours?
It's only eight blocks.
Well, I stopped
at the video arcade
for a while.
Mmm-hmm.
Then I went to
Perkin's Pharmacy
to see if the new
Doctor Strange comics were in.
Then I went to the stationary
store to get some paper.
But they had the wrong kind.
So I ended up
getting this mask
that you put at the end
of your pencil.
But basically,
you came straight home.
Oh, I suppose
when you were a kid,
you came straight home.
We are not
talking about me.
We are now.
Why don't you run along
and do your homework.
Oh, I see.
You can dish it out
but you can't take it.
Need to speak
to the Governor
about that kid.
She's spending
too much time with Kraus.