03x02 - The Grass Ain't Greener

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GROANS)

Miss Kraus, I realize
Benson is cutting
the budget,

but this coffee
is ridiculous.

What coffee?

This coffee.

Tastes like dishwater.

It is dishwater.

(GAGGING)

What do you mean?

I am cleaning the pot.

Well, when will
there be coffee?

There won't be
anymore today.

Why not?

Ask our new
budget director.

Benson, why isn't
there any coffee?

Let me guess.
Juan Valdez's mule died.

There won't be any
more coffee here
in the afternoons.

The only way
I can make
Benson happy

is if I stay
within my budget.

Kraus, the only way
you can make me happy

is if you stay
within your room.

But, sir, you're
never gonna catch
the public imagination

with a speech
about economic
projections.

Now, frankly, I think
you'd get a lot more
press coverage

eating ethnic
foods, hmm?

Pete, the rotary club
doesn't care
what I talk about

as long as I sing
their songs with them.

Governor, did you see

this report on Kingsley
State Penitentiary?

Oh, yes, I did, Benson.
It's pretty grim, isn't it?

We may have to
honor their request
for extra funds.

Well, throwing money
at the problem isn't
going to solve it.

We already spend
$, a year
per prisoner.

That's more than we
spend per student in
public education.

Yeah, but when a
prisoner gets out,
he can read.

Well, we've got to
do something.

We can't let
conditions get
any worse.

Governor, even if
we decided to give
them more money,

where am I
supposed
to get it?

Well, keep your
mitts off my
household budget.

As it is, I can
barely make
ends meet.

You can barely
make meat meet.

Well, there has
to be some solution.

Well, the problem
with the state prison is

that we don't know
what the problem is.

And we're not
gonna find out
by reading reports.

Somebody's got
to go in there.

Benson, are you
seriously suggesting

that somebody
should go into the pen

and actually live
with the prisoners?

That's exactly
what I'm suggesting.

Why don't you put
your body where
your mouth is?

Kraus, please,
we're trying to
discuss business here.

Well, how would
you like it

if I were hanging
around your office?

I would like it if you
were hanging anywhere.

(MUMBLING)

Peter will you please not
talk with your mouth full?

It looks like a
sink backed up.

You can't be serious about
going into prison, Benson.

Well, something's
wrong up there,

and they say more
money would fix it.

How can I say,
"No, it won't" Unless I
know what's going on?

All right, I'll call
and make an appointment

for you to talk
to the Warden.

I don't think that's
gonna be enough, Governor.

The only way
to really
learn anything

is for me to go
in undercover.

Oh, I don't know, Benson.
That sounds dangerous.

When I took the job,
you told me you
trusted my judgment.

That's true.
I did, didn't I?

All right, I'll call
the prison and make
the arrangements.

Well, I'm impressed,
Benson.

This is certainly
the stupidest idea
you've ever had.

Oh, I think
it's gutsy,
daring, adventurous.

Would you do it?

Do I look stupid?

I'm glad he didn't
wait for an answer.

Well, Benson,
it seems like
only yesterday

you were working
with me in the kitchen,

and now
you're going
to prison.

Yeah, things
are looking up.

Here are the figures
on the dam project.

What damn project?

The dam on the
White bluffs River.

Oh, thanks, Marcy.

Just put them on
the table over there.

I can't get to them
until tomorrow.

You'll be in
jail tomorrow.

Oh, right.

Benson, are
you alone?
He is now.

Oh, hi, Marcy.
Hello, Governor.

Well, Benson,
everything's all set

for your trip
up the river.

There's your
new identity.

Is this me,
Danny Ballard?

Yeah, only you and I
and the Warden
know that name.

I made it up myself.

It's an easy name
for you to remember.

Now, Warden Roberts
will be your contact
on the inside.

Warden Roberts.

It's gonna be tough in there,
but it's only for three days.

It'll be easy after
two years with Kraus.

Well, I just wish
I could trade
places with you.

I could go to
prison, and you
could go to this

conference on
revenue sharing.

Oh, boy!
Is that gonna
be boring.

I thought you were
the main speaker.

Oh, I am.

Okay. Bring him in.

(DEEP SIGH)

Get behind that line!

Alright, no talking,
no smoking,
no chewing gum.

If you got a question,
raise your hand.

Okay, Wilbur.
I'll handle it from here.

Yes sir.

Sorry about that,
but it wouldn't do for me
to treat you differently

than any other inmate.

Uh, Benson.
Isn't it?

No, Ballard.

Oh.
At least for the
next three days.

Well I don't envy you,
your job, that's a
tough population in there.

The Governor
and I appreciate
your corporation.

Well, we all want
the same things,
better conditions...

(SIGH) Some extra
money from the state
would sure help.

Well, that's exactly
why I am here Warden,
to see what has to be done.

I guess I should
get started.

Right.

Wilbur.

Okay, good luck and
you be careful in there.

Take this creep
back to his cell.

Alright, come on you.
I can walk!
You lousy screw.

There, second cell.

Your home
for the next
five years.

Well, you guys,
this is the
new fish.

Hey.
Danny Ballard.

Dr. Death.

Heavy, heavy.

Mad Dog.

That's your name?
Mad Dog?

Yeah, the guys
hung it on me

after I bit off
a guard's nose.

Is this your
first time inside?

I beg your pardon?

(SLOWER) Is this
your first time inside?

No, no, no, no.

I was in...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Leavenworth.

Me too, for years.
I don't remember
no Danny Ballard.

When was you there?

When were you there?
I asked you first.

I don't like this
conversation. I'll be
in my cell.

Hear that, Doctor?

My man thinks
this is his cell.

There's another
guy living in here,
you know.

Don't sweat it, baby.
We'll work something out.

You better,
'cause if you don't,

your next cell
will be a Hefty bag.

Hey, guess what.

You got a new
roommate, there,
Axeman.

Hey.

Danny Ballard.

So?

Well, I just thought
you might want to know.

Nope.

Well, nice
talking to you.

Hey.
Aah! What?

You're sitting
on my bunk.

Oh, well, then, you got
your stuff on my bunk.

That ain't your bunk.
That's my other bunk.

Well, where am
I supposed to sleep,
on the floor?

That's my floor.

Well, part of the
cell belongs to
me, don't it?

Right.

You stay in that circle.

Say what?

Oh, that circle.

That's your
part of the cell.

Well, what if I
have to go to the...

I suppose
I could hold it.

MAN: Lights out
in one minute.

Shut up!

MAN: Sorry, Axeman.

Hey, man,
you can't expect me

to stay in this
circle for the rest
of my sentence.

On the other hand, if I
get some curtains and
a little chair, I suppose...

Lights-out!

Good night, Ballard.

Good night, Axeman.

DR. DEATH:
Good night, Ballard.

Good night, Dr. Death.

MAD DOG: Good night,
Ballard.

Good night, Mad Dog.

Hey, hey, my man.
Wait up.

Listen, I want
to thank you

for letting me have
your lunch today.

I want to thank
you for eating it.

That's my favorite meal,
chopped sirloin supreme.

I wonder which
one of the Supremes
they chopped up.

That's funny.

Are the meals
always so
rotten here?

It ain't so bad
once you get
used to it.

I'm only doing
five years.

Yo, Ballard.

Don't forget,
you owe me two
packs of smokes.

How come you
owe the Axeman,
two packs?

I'm leasing
part of the cell.

Well, if I was you,
I'd pay him first
chance I get.

I don't smoke.

Well, in this case,
not smoking can be
hazardous to your health.

Hey, Ballard, tell
you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you the
two packs if you let
me have your shoes.

Oh, great. Sure.

Tomorrow it'll be
my shirt, then my pants.

And by the end of next week,
I'll be standing in my cell

naked in a little
chalk circle.

No, man,
all I want is
your shoes.

I mean, look at these.

Well, what happened
to your new pair?

What new pair?
I ain't got no
new pair.

These are the same
lousy shoes I done
had for two years.

Well, wait a minute now.

We're supposed to get
a new pair of shoes
every six months.

What are you,
a jailhouse lawyer?

You can't even
get your little
toes in my shoes.

Yeah, but I can
trade them.

Look, look, man.

If you decide
to sell your shoes,

you let me
know, all right?

Hey, Ballard.

I signed you up
for some classes.

You'll be taking
auto mechanics, welding,

and transferring
personal experience
into poetry.

Then when I get out,
I'll be able to get a job

at the Carl Sandburg
muffler shop.

If you don't mind,
I'll choose my
own classes.

What do you care?
We don't really
have classes.

We just got
signing up.

If you don't have
classes, how do you
learn anything?

Word of mouth.

Let's go sh**t
some baskets.

Hey, where'd you
get the basketball?

Rented it from
Axeman, two packs.

How'd you get it blown up?
One pack.

Supplies missing,

training records falsified,

no recreational equipment,
substandard food,

inedible food.

Bad food.

Garbage.

Don't turn around, man,
and don't move.
I got a spoon in your back.

Excuse me?
Oh, a sharp spoon!

Shut up and listen.

Either put this blade in
your pocket or I'll put
it in your kidney.

Pick a pocket.

Congratulations, man.
You're a hero.

Hey, what you
got there, Ballard?

Some dude
just laid
this on me.

Hey, guard! Guard!

Hey, hey!

Somebody just
stuck a knife
into the Axeman.

Never mind!

Hey, now that
the Axeman's gone,

you're the new Kingpin...

Brother.

The new Kingpin, huh?
Let me ask you something.

Is there any way
to get to be
the new Kingpin

without k*lling
the old Kingpin?

Uh-huh. Why?

Because a couple of
those guys in the yard
looked very ambitious.

Ballard, I just got
the news through
the grapevine.

The Axeman's
still alive.

So long, Kingpin.

That was stupid.
You just
scratched him.

He's very steamed.

You're in
a lot of trouble now.

You stick the Axeman,
you got to finish him off.

What's the matter
with you guys?
I told you I didn't do it.

I don't hear you.
I don't see you.
I don't even know you.

Took the words
right out of my mouth.

Hey, come on...

Come on, Axeman,
all right?

Listen, I didn't
have nothing to do
with that, man.

You know, I don't...

Come on.
Leave me alone, eh?

You can run,
but you can't hide.

Look.

I want you, Ballard.

Does that mean
I can get out of
the circle tonight?

It's a joke, man!

I suppose sticking me
was a joke, too, huh?

No, look, I told you
I didn't do that to you.

I swear. Ask anyone.

It's all over, man.

I'm not
who you think I am.

I'm an undercover
budget director.

You expect me
to believe that?

You're right. It's the
first time I heard it
said out loud.

It's also the last time.

No, no, no, no.
See, I'm not Danny Ballard.

I came here to investigate
this joint for the Governor.

Right.

And I was the official
photographer for Chuck
and Di's wedding.

(LAUGHS) That's very
funny. That's funny.

No, it's true. It's true.
I work for the Governor.

I came here to see why
conditions are so bad.

If you let me go,
I'll prove it to you.

Now, why would I do that?

Because if I'm
telling the truth,

you'll be crushing
the Adam's apple

of an innocent black man.

Okay.

I can be reasonable,
but how you
gonna prove it?

I'll get the Warden
to back up my story.

Okay, but if you're
here after dinner,
I'm gonna k*ll you.

Man, if I have to eat
another dinner here,

I want you to k*ll me.

So, everybody
thinks I did it.

Now the Axeman
is trying to k*ll me.

There was nothing to
do but blow my cover.

I guess we'll have to
call everything off.

(SIGHS)

I sure wish
I could help you.

What?

You and the Governor have
created a real problem for me.

A problem for you?
What about me?

Your problem will be over
soon as you get back inside.

Aren't you listening?
I said the Axeman
will k*ll me.

Nobody likes a snoop.

That has nothing
to do with it.

You're the only one
who knows why I'm in here.

I figured you'd put
it together sooner or later.

(SNORTS)

Put what together?

Listen, a man
tries to k*ll me.

Why? Because some
supplies are missing?

Those guys couldn't have
anything to do with that.

It's got to be
somebody at the top.

Oh, brother, I just
put it together.

You arranged to have
the Axeman stabbed

and the spoon
planted on me.

You've been skimming
money from the budget.

You're the thief!

That's a harsh way
of putting it.

It's a shame you won't live
to tell anybody about it.

Wilbur.

Yes, sir?

Get this creep
out of my sight.

Come on, you.

I'm giving you one
last chance to
change your mind.

Get him out of here!

Okay, one more
last chance?

(BEEPING)

Watch out for
his mother ship!

Oh, no.
Space debris.

Like fish in a barrel.
Goodbye, Pete.

(expl*si*n)

Ohh! Perfect!

Oh, no, she blew
me away again.

Okay, one more game.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I'm supposed
to play the winner.

Here, Marcy, you
can take my place.

No, I can't.
The idea of blowing
up those little aliens

makes my skin crawl.

I'll take Marcy's turn.

Okay, Pete.

MARCY: Now! Now!
sh**t, Gretchen, sh**t!

Don't be shy! sh**t!

I fail to understand
how grown people
can become addicted

by a random series
of electronic blips.

Watch his blaster!
Watch his blaster!

Hold it down, Clayton.
This is my last squadron.

You're in
my sights!

(CLAYTON LAUGHING)
Hyperspace!

Get his asteroid!

Hey, everybody, I'm back.

(WHOOSHING)

What happened?

CLAYTON AND PETE:
Black hole.

Okay, okay, okay.
One more game.

Here we go.

Remember me, everybody?
I'm the Governor.

Sorry, Daddy.
MARCY: Hello, sir.

PETE: How you doing
there, Governor?

CLAYTON: How was
the meeting, sir?

Oh, it went very well,

and I have good news
about matching funds.

Aah!

Ooh!
Got you.

Where's Benson?

Unless he's dug a tunnel,
he's still in prison, sir.

No, he was supposed
to get out today.

I thought he'd be here.

Well, maybe he
needed more time.

Yeah, I would have
given him to .

I think I'd better call the
Warden and check up on this.

Okay, okay, who
wants to play me next?

Peter, if you can
tear yourself away
from the outer limits,

we do have work to do.

You know, it's
people like you

that have crippled
our space program.

Hi, this is
Governor Gatling.

I want to speak
to Warden Roberts, please.

MARCY: Out! Out!

He's out of town?

(expl*si*n)

Cut it off! Off!

GOVERNOR: For how long?

Well, he never said
anything about this to me.

I'd better talk
to whoever's in charge.

Benson must be all right.

The Warden's on
vacation, to Argentina.

Hello, yes, this is
Governor Gatling.

I have a man in your
prison undercover,

and I want to
have him released.

His name? Uh...

(CHUCKLES)
This is embarrassing.

Sir, Benson's in
prison, and you can't
remember his name?

No, no, no.

I thought something
like this might
happen, and I...

You wrote it
down somewhere.
No, no.

I worked up a memory trick.

See, I see Benson
in a cell, and cells
have bars.

And in Las Vegas,
they call bars lounges.

And those lounges
usually have entertainment.

And the entertainment's
usually a singer.

And the singer
is usually Jerry Vale.

And Jerry Vale
always sings ballads.

Oh, that's it!
Ballard! Danny Ballard!

Yes, this is really
the Governor.

Hey, Wilbur.
Yeah?

Did the Governor
call me yet?

No, but the President's
been trying to reach you.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Hey, wait up.
I'll go with you.

If you guys are
looking for the guard,
he went that way.

But he'll be right back.

Dr. Death, Axeman,
Mad Dog, be reasonable!

What am I saying?

Ballard, when they told
me you were still here,

I lost my appetite.

I had to sell my dinner.

Obviously there's been
some sort of mix-up.

Yeah, you mixed me
up with a fool.

You don't work
for no Governor.

No, listen, it is true.
I do work for the Governor.

I cross my heart
and hope to die.

Well, scratch that.

Too late, man.
I got to k*ll you.

Think, Axeman.

Who are they gonna blame
when they find my body?

You're assuming they'll
find enough to identify.

Okay, well, in that
case, stick 'em up.

Get your hands up!
Get your hands
in the air!

I don't think
you got a g*n.

Well, you'll be
the first to find out.

Rush him, Mad Dog.
I'll wait my turn.

Go ahead. sh**t.

Axeman, I'm gonna
tell you something,

and I don't want
you to get upset.

What?
I don't have a g*n!

Come on, man.
Would you k*ll a man
for lying to you?

You shoved a
knife in me, chump.

No, I didn't
do that! I told you!

I can prove it.
I can prove
it scientifically.

You got seconds.

Okay, okay, now, we
were all standing in
the yard, remember?

Now, you be me.

I was standing over
here when everybody
saw me with the spoon.

Use the shoe
for the spoon.

Dr. Death,
you be the Axeman.

I don't want
to get stabbed.

It's just a shoe, stupid.

Go on.
Get over there.

Now, all right, Mad Dog,
you get there.

Who am I?
You're yourself, baby.

All right.

Now, you all know
who you are?

I'm you.
I'm him.

I'm me.
Now begin.

Begin what?

Begin to figure out
how you fell for that trick.

(LAUGHS)

Someday, we'll look back
on all this and laugh.

Get, get out of there!

MAN: Right this way,
Governor.

Benson.

Governor,
where have you been?

Well, I forgot
the name I gave you, see?

And then things
got confused.

Is he really
the Governor?

Well, of course I am.

How about that?

Hey, no hard
feelings, Ballard.
You know what I mean?

Yeah. Let's be
friends, man.

Two minutes ago,
you were trying
to k*ll me.

I don't want to
be your friend.

Then what was all that bull
about better conditions?

It's not bull!

No, if Benson
says you need
better conditions,

that's what you'll get.

It's our responsibility
to treat you like
a human being

whether you act
like one or not.

First we're gonna
get the Warden to

for misappropriation
of funds.

Solid.

Right... On.

So long, Axeman,
Mad Dog, Dr. Death.

So long, Ballard.

Harry?
Is that you?

I was kind of
hoping you wouldn't
recognize me, Gene.

You know him?

Sure, he used to work
for me back at the mill.

That wasn't a very
nice thing you did
with that chain saw.

Chain saw?

I can't believe
I never told
you that story.

I can't believe
you'd ever think
I'd want to hear it.

(BEEPING)

I gotcha!

(BEEPING)
(PINGING)

That's it Daddy.

You didn't get a
single one of my ships.

Oh! Was I supposed to?

He'd be in big trouble
if those were real UFOs.

Please Kraus,
there is no such
things as UFOs.

And I say
there are UFOs.

Who do you thinks
builds the Pyramids?

Civil servants.

There are many things we
do not understand, Benson.

How about, Atlantis?

Or, the Bermuda Triangle?

Or Leonard Nimoy?

Come on Kraus,
you don't believe
in that stuff.

I sure do!

Hm. Maybe you are right.

That would explain
your presence on Earth.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)