02x21 - All Shook Up

[bunniefuu]

[OPENING THEME PLAYING]

BENSON: -.

-.

What do these stock market numbers mean?

-... Up two, down three.

Three. Up one, down two.

Ohh!

What do you think?

Should I invest in stocks or in gold?

Invest in a muzzle.

Or should I take a flyer on a chinchilla ranch?

Would you be living at the ranch?

You know what the irony is?

If I had put my money into Polaroid stocks years ago

you know where I'd be today?

You'd be bugging James Garner instead of me.

Hey, Benson. Thanks for the new office. It's great.

Glad you like it. Ah, you know, now that you mention it,

I'm not too fond of that furniture.

It's the same furniture you had before.

Yeah, but I didn't have a fancy office then.

You don't have a fancy office now.

I would if I had better furniture.

All right, all right.

The extra furniture is in the basement.

Choose what you want, and I'll have somebody move it up here.

Fantastic. You know, Ms. Kraus, you're all out of cookies.

I'll be in the basement.

How can I stop him from eating everything?

How good are you with a bow and arrow?

Did you just feel the building shake?

Probably a truck diving by.

No, I'm sure I felt the earth move.

Maybe you're just in love.

Hi, Miss Kraus. Hi, Liebchen.

See, Daddy, there's another one. Yeah.

Another what? Earthquake.

Earthquake? Don't be silly, Katie.

This isn't California.

No, Katie's right, Benson.

It was on the news this morning.

We've been experiencing increased seismic activity.

Is that another way of saying that

the ground's gonna open up and swallow us?

Oh, it's nothing that serious.

We get these little shakers every years or so.

They never amount to much.

The worst damage I ever heard of

was when I was in high school,

Old man Norton's outhouse collapsed.

BENSON: Mmm-hmm.

He wasn't hurt,

but they never did find his pocket watch.

Thank you for sharing that.

Morning, everybody. Good morning.

Oh, Marcy, I'll be in my office.

Marcy, how's the dentist?

Oh, he's fine.

Nobody was drilling in his mouth.

Did you feel the earthquake?

Can't feel a thing. I'm shot full of Novocain.

[PHONE RINGING]

Did you say earthquake?

Hello.

Oh, hello, Clayton.

Well, what cabinet you looking in?

Never mind. I'll be right there.

Ah. Clayton needs me in the supply room.

Ah, Marcy, we moved the supplies to Pete's old office.

And where's Pete? Just follow the crumbs.

Ah, you took your own sweet time getting here.

If you wanted O.J. Simpson, you should have asked for him.

I don't need to rent a car.

I need staples for my stapler.

What size?

What do you mean what size? Staple size.

So you don't know the size.

[SIGHS]

All right, just give me some paperclips.

Well, you're in the wrong cabinet.

[RUMBLING]

Huh. There it is again.

There what is again?

We've been having some more tremors.

Tremors? Where did you hear that?

From Katie. Oh!

Out of the mouths of babes into the ears of boobs.

Oh, she told you, too, huh?

May I just have my paperclips?

Well, they should be over here in this mess somewhere.

Well, listen, the least you could do, man,

is help me pick this up.

Oh? Are you going to help me draft a consumer rights bill?

Well, you're the one that wanted the paperclips.

No, I wanted staples.

I am settling for paperclips.

Listen, Clayton, I know things get tough around here,

and you are under a lot of pressure.

So if you ever need a friend,

buy a dog.

I'm getting a little fed up of these wisecracks and innuendos.

Clayton, why don't you go back to your office?

I'll send you the paperclips.

And how long will that take?

If I bring them myself, it'll take a couple of minutes.

But since I'm gonna mail them, allow six weeks for delivery.

[RUMBLING]

What is... What? Hey!

[BOTH CLAMORING]

Look out, Clayton! Oh!

Aah!

[RUMBLING RECEDES]

KRAUS: Whoa.

MARCY: Whew!

I think it's over.

Is that what you call a little shaker, sir?

Is everybody okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

I certainly hope that's the last of them.

I'm gonna get in touch with civil defense.

Why did we have to hide under the table?

So nothing would fall on us.

The table could fall on us.

The phones are dead.

[WHISTLING]

Pete, are you okay? Yeah, sure, why?

MARCY: We just had an earthquake.

Didn't you feel it?

Well, yeah, but I thought I did it.

You see, this rug was under a stack of furniture.

When I pulled it out, everything went kablooey.

We got a heck of a mess in the basement.

Don't anybody panic.

We'll have the Governor out in no time.

Captain McDermott, I'm right here.

Oh, good, sir.

We thought you were in your office.

That section of the old wing was cut off by the cave-in.

Cave-in? Where? The hallway leading to the annex, sir.

Talk about luck, my office used to be right there.

My Lord, Benson's in there.

He went to the supply room.

I think Clayton's in there, too.

We'll dig them out, sir.

The fire department's already on the way. Captain McDermott,

I'm gonna have to have some phones set up here.

We'll make the kitchen our command post.

You got them, sir. Pete, get in touch with maintenance,

and tell them to shut off the gas.

And make sure we have an emergency power hook-up.

Right. Watch my rug.

Oh, Marcy, see if you can scout up a portable radio.

Yes, sir. There's one in my room, Marcy.

Okay. I'll clean up this mess.

Daddy, are Benson and Clayton gonna be all right?

Honey, the sooner we can get things organized,

the sooner we can get to them.

Daddy, you didn't answer my question.

Are they gonna be all right?

Don't worry, honey.

Ugh.

Huh!

Oh, no!

Benson, we're trapped.

Come and give me a hand!

Benson!

Benson?

Benson, where are you?

Benson!

[GROANS]

Benson, Benson, thank goodness you're alive.

What happened?

It was an earthquake, just like you said.

It was incredible. Everything shook.

The ceiling started to fall.

Look at this place. It's a mess.

Uh, Clayton, have you noticed this large object

lying on top of me?

Yeah, I tried to lift it. It's too heavy.

Oh.

Maybe you should get some help.

I can't do that, Benson. The phone is dead.

The door is jammed.

We're [STUTTERING] trapped in here.

Do you think you're hurt?

I'd hate to feel this way and be all right.

Uh, maybe you can get some leverage on this thing.

Benson, I majored in political science,

not engineering.

I [STUTTERING] realize that in this particular situation,

it seems like a frivolous subject,

but all my friends were taking it.

How was I to know you were gonna be depending on me one day?

Well, calm down, Clayton. You're gonna be all right.

Aha, I've got it! My belt!

What are you gonna do, hang yourself?

Now, if I only had a pulley.

If you only had a brain.

I am doing my best.

If you would offer some suggestions

instead of constantly criticizing,

maybe we could get you out of there.

I have a suggestion.

Put your belt back on before your pants fall down.

Oh, I found a board. I found a board!

We're rich! We're rich!

I am going to take this board.

I am going to slip it under the cabinet.

Then, using the power of leverage,

I am going to lift the cabinet

so that you can slide out from under it.

Could you cut the lecture short and just do it?

All right. All right, now.

Here goes. Okay, easy.

Easy, man.

Oh, wait a minute. Okay, okay.

Hurry, Benson. This is heavy.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

You got it? Yeah, I'm out.

You're out? Yeah. Oh!

Watch it! Watch it! Thank you.

Hey. Whew!

I thought sure I was gonna drop that on you. So did I.

Ah, but I didn't panic.

I remained clear-headed.

I want you to know that I appreciate it.

And now you're fine, right?

Right. No broken bones.

Good, 'cause there's something I have to do.

What's that?

Help me!

Help me!

We're trapped!

We're trapped! [BANGING]

According to those eggheads over at the university,

the quake was centered right there in the Miller's Lake area.

Any idea of the extent of the damage?

Yes, sir, the fire department estimates

we've lost power and water to half the city.

In the business district, it's mostly inventory damage.

And the trailer park where I live

no longer has easy access to Highway .

What's the word on Benson and Clayton?

We ran into a little luck there, sir.

The engineer tells me if they're in the supply room,

they're probably all right.

Probably?

How long will it be before you can get them out?

That's hard to say. We have to work very slowly.

If we move the wrong thing,

we'll have to get those guys out of there with a spatula.

You'll have telephones very shortly, sir.

I contacted my brother-in-law over at the phone company.

He doesn't like me, but he's afraid of me.

Captain McDermott certainly is his own man.

Who else would have him?

Oh!

Oh! I don't believe this.

If I ever get out of here alive

I'm never gonna make fun of coal miners again.

Shh!

I hadn't said anything.

Shush! [BANGING]

Listen! Do you hear that?

[METAL CLANKING]

Sounds like digging. Ha-ha.

They're coming for us. We're saved.

We're in here! We're in here!

Shh! Don't shush me.

You shushed me!

I'm the Chief of Staff. Shh!

Listen.

I don't hear anything. That's what I mean.

Oh, they've given up.

They're not coming for us.

Clayton, things are bad enough without you falling apart.

I am not falling apart!

I'm just handling it badly.

You've been in tough situations before, haven't you?

Once.

When I was , I was trapped on top of a Ferris wheel

with my older brother Darwin.

Darwin?

I was a nervous wreck.

But you got through it, right?

Only because he sang to me.

He always sang to me when I was scared.

Your brother Darwin sang to you.

You don't suppose you could sing to me, Benson?

Get out of here.

Please, Benson? I helped you, now you help me.

I'm not gonna sing, fool.

All right. It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

It's all over.

[SOBBING]

♪♪ I'm gonna sit right down

♪♪ And write myself a letter

Slower.

♪♪ And make believe they came from you

♪♪ I'm gonna write words, oh, so sweet

[SOBBING]

♪♪ They're gonna knock you off your feet

BOTH: ♪♪ A lot of kisses on the bottom

♪♪ I'll be glad I got them

Harmonize.

♪♪ I'm gonna smile and say

♪♪ "I hope you're feeling better"

♪♪ And close with love the way you do

♪♪ I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter

♪♪ And make believe it came from you

One more time!

♪♪ I'm gonna sit right down... ♪♪

Are you telling me you ran over my bicycle?

No, not me personally. It was a fire truck.

You shouldn't have left that bicycle in the driveway.

I am going to complain to the fire department,

and I want you as a witness.

Well, I don't think I can do that. Why not?

I was kind of involved. Involved? How?

I was the guy who said, "Come on back."

Now they're clearing the rubble out of the old annex.

Oh, that's good.

Governor's...

Governor's mansion. Oh, yes, just one minute, please.

Governor, it's Mr. Grundy, the contractor with the bulldozers.

Henry, we ask you to make some of your bulldozers available to us.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] No, we can't pay you in advance.

All right, I'm willing to listen.

Governor's mansion.

Oh, yeah, one minute, please. Governor, it's Washington.

Oh, Henry, explain this to my assistant, Miss Hill.

I have Washington on the other line. Right.

Yes, Governor Gatling speaking.

Hello, Mr. Grundy. This is Marcy Hill.

No, I can't sign checks for the Governor. Why?

Yes, you heard right. An earthquake.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] What do you mean "describe it to you"?

Turn on the news. Yeah, Governor's command post.

Yeah, she's right here. Slow down, Mr. Grundy.

Hey, Marcy, it's Bishop Somebody-or-other.

Mr. Grundy, I got to give you to Mr. Downey.

He'll be glad to work things out with you.

Hey, what's the problem?

Hello, Bishop.

Well, I am the Governor of the state.

Why would I make this up? [TELEPHONE RINGS]

Gretchen, could you get this?

Bishop, we need to put about cots in your gymnasium.

Hello?

Well, couldn't you have basketball practice another day?

No, I didn't know St. Mary's was a powerhouse.

Yeah, this is the Governor's mansion.

Since when are you cutting back on disaster relief?

Reuters news service from London.

No, no, you didn't get the wrong number.

This is America. Pete, it's for you. Reuters.

Hang on, I'm giving you to our bulldozer expert.

Kraus, this is Grundy. Good luck.

Hello, this is Pete Downey. Hello!

Bishop, I see your problem.

Grandville? That's your first name?

What can I do for you?

I can't fill out the forms

until I have the forms to fill out.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Katie!

All right, fine. Talk to your supervisor.

I'll wait. Hello?

Of course I understand basketball.

I'm a former all-state cheerleader.

Miss Kraus, I don't know what this guy wants. You better talk to him.

Okay, you talk to Mr. Grundy.

Hello! Hello, I'm still here. I haven't gone anywhere.

It's Katie Gatling, Mr. Grundy.

I'm in the fifth grade with your daughter Tracy.

Stop whispering. I can barely hear you.

I didn't know we were big news in England.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think of this chick the prince is marrying?

Okay, Mr. Grundy, you do whatever you think is right

about the bulldozers.

I'll still be Tracy's friend.

Of course, I don't know about the other kids.

No, I'm still here. What's your supervisor say?

Oh, he's sending you personally.

Good, I want to meet you.

What's my address? I'm in the book.

I still cannot hear you.

Why are you huffing and puffing?

Why should I describe to you what I am wearing?

Oh, thanks again, Bishop. And when they deliver the cots,

I'll have the National Guard wear sneakers, okay. Bye-bye.

Well, my question is if he's a prince,

why does he bother marrying anybody, you know?

Hello? They hung up.

Gee, Mr. Grundy, I think you made a good decision.

I'll be sure to tell everybody. Goodbye.

Oh, Katie, I wanted to talk to Mr. Grundy

about some bulldozers.

Oh, that's okay, Daddy. He said we could have them for free.

Free?

It's amazing what a little guilt can do.

It's been seven hours. We might as well face it.

They're not coming for us.

They may not be coming for you, but they're coming for me.

For all we know, everything outside this room has been destroyed.

You and I could be the only ones living.

And this is the end of mankind as we know it.

I wonder what it's like to go mad.

Surely you remember.

I really feel like I'm losing it.

Do you want to sing some more songs?

No, I'm all sung out.

You go ahead if you want to.

Clayton, you know those people out there

are doing everything they can to get to us.

It's just gonna take time.

Well, I hope they get here before we starve to death.

You're not gonna starve. It's only been seven hours.

Yes, but I skipped breakfast this morning.

So did I.

And you're not hungry?

Well, I am now, talking about all this food.

I'm not talking about food. I am talking about starving.

And that implies food.

No, it implies a lack of food.

Which is the very subject I didn't want to bring up,

so drop it. Fine.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

When I was looking for the staples,

I noticed something.

It looked like a Christmas gift.

Great. That's all we need is a tie.

Benson. Benson, look.

Champagne!

Now all we need are noise-makers and party hats.

Not even a bad year.

Let's open it up. Now, now, now, now, Benson.

There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything.

[CREAKING] Oh.

[CREAKING CONTINUES]

What's the right way?

Hi, Marcy. Where's the Governor?

He'll be right back. He's talking to the press.

Well, I guess these reports can wait till he gets back.

Care to join me in a cup of joe?

Excuse me? Coffee. Would you like a cup?

Oh, yeah, please.

Looks like it's gonna be a long night.

You know, for somebody who's just been through an earthquake,

you're looking pretty good.

Thank you. Of course, to me,

you always look pretty good.

Anymore damage reports come in?

You know, basically,

I'm a shy guy.

Ah.

You know the kind, strong, silent.

Silent sounds appealing.

Look, Marce,

I'm not one of those young kids

just out for a cheap thrill.

Captain McDermott...

Call me Dennis.

What I'm getting at is,

if we ever get out of this mess,

how'd you like to go out and tip a couple of brewskies together?

Maybe dance a slow dance or two?

Captain McDermott,

I am a married woman.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Did you know you're a married man?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Guess it's just the tension and the pressure.

Started to think of myself as Charlton Heston.

Excuse me?

Well, he always makes out during a natural disaster.

It's been kind of a dream of mine.

Well, wake up.

You're right. Right.

But I am a lot like Heston, you know.

Tall, tough, together.

We even have the same hair.

You know what they used to call me in Korea?

[RUMBLING]

What's Korean for "chicken"?

Aha.

You really don't like me, do you, Benson?

Well...

No.

There's a couple of things about you, Clayton,

that just drive me up a wall.

I'm pompous, officious, smug, stuck-up.

You hit the top four.

There was a time when I was very popular.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

At Princeton, they used to call me Mr. Funhouse.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, I remember a time I went to a lecture

with my pants on backwards.

Tee-hee.

You don't think that's funny?

Probably was.

Probably?

Don't you get it?

I get it. It's a guy with his pants on backwards.

Ahh. I don't think you really get it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Maybe if you saw it.

Forget it, baby. I don't think it's gonna be funny.

Well, there it is, Benson.

That's our relationship in a nutshell.

We'll never get along.

We're from two different worlds.

Right. I'm from earth.

[CACKLES]

Now, see, I don't think that's funny.

[CHUCKLES]

You and your sarcastic remarks.

Well, I don't get sarcastic until you get overbearing.

I only get overbearing when things aren't done right.

So you think I'm incompetent.

Benson, I think you're very good at your job.

You never tell me.

Fine. [CLEARS THROAT]

Benson, you do a hell of a job.

You really mean it? Cross my heart and hope to die.

Now, you tell me

that I do a hell of a job.

Sure, sure. I got no problem with that.

You do a hell of a job.

Thank you.

Benson, I'd like to propose a toast.

Another one?

To Benson. I like it so far.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, it's okay! They're alive!

Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here.

Okay, hold it. Hold it just a minute.

Go ahead, Clayton.

To Benson,

a man I admire and respect.

Thank you.

Now you toast.

To Benson, a man I admire and respect.

Now, that's funny.

No, I'm telling you. Clayton's not a bad guy.

I think something must have hit you on the head.

It's probably Clayton.

Benson, the wallpaper you chose for the hallway

shows excellent taste. Thank you.

No. Thank you.

BENSON: You're welcome.

See? Maybe something hit Clayton on the head.

I think I just witnessed a miracle.

No, you just don't understand him.

Benson, I just saw the new carpeting

you selected for the entrance way.

It makes the place look like a cheap Hawaiian hotel. Fix it.

On the other hand, maybe there were two of him.