02x15 - No Sad Songs

[bunniefuu]

[OPENING THEME PLAYING]

Hi, Marcy. Hi.

Late lunch? Very late.

It's my breakfast.

Where's Benson?

How do I know? Is it my day to watch him?

Oh, maybe he's picking up his mother.

She doesn't arrive until tonight.

Sorry I'm late. Hi.

"The Late Benson." Has a nice ring to it.

Kraus, I'm gonna put some of my things in the freezer.

Well, put it towards the back. I may need to get in there.

Why? Is it your nap time?

I wish I'd known you were going to the store.

I'd have had you pick up some things for me.

I wish I'd known you needed some things.

I'd have had you go to the store.

Stocking up for your mother's visit?

Yeah, I figure if I got some food in the apartment,

I'll get a couple of home-cooked meals.

If my mother were coming to visit,

I would take her out to dinner.

Well, Kraus, if I cooked like you, so would I.

How long has it been since you've seen your mother?

Three years.

Lucky woman.

Well, I can't wait to meet her.

Yeah, she's looking forward to meeting you, too.

Unfortunately, she wants to meet everybody I work with.

Are you going to give a party?

Yup, over at my place sometime next week.

Oh, I hope it's not Monday.

I'll keep that in mind.

I can't make it Tuesday.

How about Tuesday?

Later in the week would be better.

Uh, ja.Thursday would be good.

Oh, I could make it Thursday.

So can I. What are we talking about?

Benson is giving a party.

Oh, yeah? Is there gonna be any chicks there?

My mother. Come on, Benson, seriously.

I'm giving a party for my mother. Can you make it?

Do I have to bring a date? No.

Well, I can make it.

Ah, Peter, there's been a change of plans.

This speech is no longer appropriate.

The Governor's acceptance speech?

Yes, well, the Governor will no longer be accepting

the Newsmaker's Award, I will.

Yeah, but he won it.

I realize that, Peter,

but the Governor's trip to Washington conflicts.

He's asked me to fill in for him,

and this speech will not do.

Why, what's wrong with it?

Peter, I am not going to do a speech

that quotes Neil Diamond.

Gee, the Governor likes contemporary references.

Yes, but I am not the Governor.

And we are mighty happy.

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

You and I have a great deal of work to do on this speech,

so keep your evenings open next week.

Well, I'm free every night,

except the night of Benson's party.

Benson's party?

Ooh! Oh, weren't you invited?

Well, I... Sure, Clayton, you're invited.

Thank you. If I'm free, I'll be happy to be there.

Peter.

So, what night is the party?

Don't know yet. Eh, makes no difference. I'm flexible.

We used to call that desperate.

Son, do you remember this picture?

Halloween, .

Could I see that Mrs...

Do you mind if I call you Lois?

Oh, please do.

Well, which one's you, Benson?

I don't know. Everybody's got on masks.

You've got a memory like a sieve.

Are you telling me you don't remember

the Halloween the dog fell off the roof?

Oh! Oh, was that then?

Yeah, my dog, Jack, crawled out of the bedroom window

and fell off the porch roof.

Was he hurt?

Well, he would have been if hadn't fallen on me.

That dog was never really right after that.

Come to think of it, you were never really right after that.

So that's it, eh, Benson?

You got hit in the head with a dog.

Well, Kraus, at least I have an excuse.

This is Russell when he was .

Now he's the most successful dentist in Phoenix.

He better be successful

with all them kids to put through college.

At least he's got kids to put through college.

Oh, Mama, don't start that.

Don't you think my son would be a wonderful father? I certainly do.

Don't you think he should have children?

Yes, ma'am. Oh, sure, he should.

Don't you think I should get married first?

I'm encouraged to know you know where to begin.

I'm waiting for a girl like you, Mama.

Oh, what are you gonna do with a -year-old woman?

Where are those cookies you made?

Yeah, they were terrific!

What do you mean "were"?

Well, Clayton ate a couple before he had to leave,

and, uh, well, I guess I finished them. Sorry.

Boy, the way you eat, you think you'd be taller.

Are there any more?

For goodness' sake, I made two dozen.

Really? It didn't seem like that many.

For the rest of us, it didn't seem like any.

You're a fine one to talk.

When he was a little boy,

he used to hog the dessert all the time.

Mama, don't tell that story.

Wouldn't eat meat. Wouldn't eat vegetables.

Just dessert.

The family took to calling him "Puddin' Head."

Puddin' head?

[ALL LAUGH]

What a great nickname.

Yeah, well, forget you ever heard it.

Fat chance.

I never had a nickname. Nobody liked me that much.

Tried calling myself "PJ" for a while,

but, eh, it didn't catch on.

I don't have a nickname, either.

That's what you think.

Oh, son, it's after :.

We really ought to get to bed

and let these nice folks go home.

Subtle, Mama.

Oh, I don't have time to be subtle.

I'm too old.

Good night, everybody.

Good night. Good night.

Thank you for a delicious dinner.

Yes, it was wonderful.

I'm off to bed now.

Okay, Mom.

Oh, here. Let me do that.

Okay.

You know, you have very nice friends.

Who now know everything about me.

And you've got a nice job.

It's all right.

Now what you need is a nice wife.

I'll look tomorrow, first thing.

Oh, son, it would do this old heart a world of good

to know that you had a wife

cleaning for you, cooking for you,

and looking after you.

Mama, maybe you haven't heard,

but them days is gone forever.

I have six children.

BOTH: And five of them have lovely families.

Have I beaten that subject to death?

No, but you got it in a coma.

Oh.

You can't blame a woman for wanting more grandchildren.

You got . If you want more, rent them.

, and every one of them's an angel.

Well, one of them is a hell's angel.

If you're talking about Elaine's Danny, he's just a kid.

That kid is years old.

About time you and Elaine stopped making excuses for him.

Well, if you're so worried about him,

why don't you take him for the summer?

I wouldn't take him for a walk.

Besides, I'm more worried about you,

doing all this traveling.

Well, son, I'm not walking from place to place.

I'm taking an airplane.

Besides, I can't get any of my children to come see me.

So I have to come to you.

[CHUCKLES] Well, Mama, you know how it is.

The girls all have their families,

Russell and Earl are tied down with their business,

and when I get a vacation...

I should come see you, shouldn't I?

Do you still remember where I live?

All I have to do is follow the apron strings.

I'm gonna hold you to that next vacation.

All right. Okay.

Before I leave, I want you to take a picture of me.

What for? For you.

I haven't seen one anywhere in this apartment.

Well, of course not.

It's 'cause I got it right here in my wallet.

There you go.

Oh, that old thing! That was years ago.

Makes you look years younger.

Oh! Oh! Oh! [LAUGHS]

Good night, son.

Hey, Mom, I'm home.

[SNIFFS] Mmm.

I'd know that chicken anywhere.

Well, if he knew you, he didn't say anything.

[BENSON CHUCKLES]

Where have you been, anyway?

Well, you remember I told you I'd be late?

I had some work to do with the Governor.

And I told you not to dawdle.

Mama, I haven't dawdled since I was years old.

The Governor dawdled.

When's the chicken gonna be ready?

Oh, it needs another minutes.

Now, go get out of your good clothes.

Mama, I'm an adult.

I don't have good clothes or bad clothes.

I got clothes.

I don't want you wiping your greasy hands

on that pretty sweater.

Then give me a napkin.

Oh, go on! Shoo!

All right.

Hey, you clean this place up?

No, a group of elves showed up and did it.

Mama, you're on vacation.

You're supposed to be resting and having a good time.

Well, if that's what you wanted,

you should have cleaned the place up

before I got here.

I would have, but I thought you were coming for a visit,

not an inspection.

Where did you ever pick up that smart mouth?

Couldn't have been from you, could it?

Couldn't be me. Maybe you're adopted.

Well, if I'm adopted, how come I look just like Pop?

That's no proof. He could have been adopted, too.

Okay, I give up. I'm an orphan.

No, you're my baby.

Mama, what is this?

Oh, I must have left that next to the bed

when I took my nap.

Son, look in here.

That is a relic of the true cross.

Are you trying to tell me that that little piece of wood

in there is from the cross?

Uh-huh.

The cross?

I see.

And how did you happen to end up with it?

Well, you remember when you children all chipped in

and sent me on that tour of Jerusalem? Yeah.

Well, I met a man on the street who sold it to me.

Mama, you don't really believe that that's from the cross.

Son, all God ever asked of anybody

is just a little faith.

And when you consider the reward,

that's a very easy thing.

Now, you ask yourself,

what would make you feel better,

that your mother has an actual piece of the cross,

or she paid $ for a hunk of saw wood?

Well, all right, if you say so,

it's a piece of the cross.

No, it's not my saying so. It's my believing.

You've got to have faith.

Now, you go and finish getting dressed for dinner.

I'm just gonna sit here

and wait until that chicken is ready.

Oh, I'm so tired.

You're tired?

You try working all day and being a tour guide by night.

If you don't mind,

I just as soon we stayed home tonight.

I'll take you on in pinochle.

I'll play by your rules, three decks.

I'm gonna have a cold beer.

You want a soda pop or something?

I'll take that as a no.

Mama, this chicken looks like it's done.

You want me to take it out?

Mama, you want me to take this chicken out?

Mama?

Mama.

Oh, Mama.

Morning. Morning.

I stopped by the card store on my way over here.

It's terrible, isn't it?

Awful. Such a sweet woman.

Have you talked to Benson?

Last night, on the phone. How's he taking it?

Well, he seemed all right.

But it's hard to tell, you know.

Boy, I never know what to say in situations like this.

Ja,when Governor Montford died,

I didn't know what to say to his wife.

I ended up just staring at her with a silly grin on my face.

She hasn't spoken to me since.

That's the trouble. You want to say something appropriate,

but you don't know what to say.

So you got a sympathy card?

No. Apparently, they don't know what to say, either.

I just got some note cards.

I think a personal message is probably best, anyway.

He's not coming in today, is he?

Oh, I don't think so.

He's flying to Baltimore tonight,

so I think he needs today for the arrangements.

Good morning.

Uh, good morning. Morning.

There's no way I could stay home today.

I need something to do, you know.

So I got these invoices.

Benson? I... I thought...

We thought...

We didn't expect you to come in today.

I'm sorry about your mother. I'll be around if you need me.

Is there anything I could do?

I could do without that long face.

I'm sorry. It's just that I feel...

Well, you know how I feel.

Thank you, Marcy.

Kraus, we're over budget on produce again.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I... I have to go to the meat locker.

Well, I'm glad you're looking forward to it.

Benson.

I didn't expect to see you here today.

Yeah, I know. I got some things to do.

I'm really sorry about your mother.

Thank you, Pete.

You want to talk about it?

Not really, Pete. I'm fine.

You're probably still in shock, huh?

No, I'm fine.

It just hasn't hit you yet.

Pete, are you here for a reason?

I just don't want you to bottle it up, Benson.

I'm not. I'll get a cup of coffee. We'll talk.

I'm fine, damn it! I'm handling it! I'm all right.

Oh, no, sure, I can see that. You're doing great.

You hang in there.

Hi, Benson.

Hi, sweetheart. Marcy said you were here.

I just wanted you to have something pretty.

Thank you, sweetheart.

See you later, okay?

Okay.

Marcy, uh, I have to go to the store room.

There's a Mr. Tucker from Mitchell Brothers Mortuary

coming here to see me.

Send him to the kitchen when he gets here.

Because I have to pick out a casket.

Well, you asked.

Thanks.

I'm going down to the store room.

Ah, you don't have to avoid me, Benson.

I won't grin anymore.

Now he really hates me.

Uh, Miss Kraus, has there been a man here looking for me?

I don't know. I was in my room.

I'm expecting the tailor from Gresham's.

He's coming to measure me for a new tuxedo.

What's the occasion?

I need it for the speech.

My other ones are beginning to show wear.

Excuse me. Could you help me?

I'm Mr. Tucker.

Ah, here you are. I'm certainly glad to see you.

No one ever said that to me before.

Well, I got things to do.

Well, shall we get this over with?

I understand. These things can be difficult.

Well, I hope not. I have a luncheon engagement.

Well, perhaps you'd like to look through the catalog.

No, not really. I just want something fashionable.

I assume that means the classic style, silk-lined?

Yes, of course.

Do you have a color preference?

Silver or bronze?

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not a rock 'n' roll singer.

I simply want something that would be appropriate

for the country club.

I beg your pardon?

Do you think you could just measure me?

It's for you?

Yes.

And I'd like to have it by this Saturday.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Does that mean I can't have it by this Saturday?

Of course you can have it this Saturday.

Would you like brass handles?

Brass handles.

You are Benson, aren't you?

Certainly not.

I'm Mr. Tucker of Mitchell Brothers Mortuary.

Oh.

Oh!

See, I thought you were here to measure me for a tuxedo.

The family usually provides that.

No, you don't understand.

I'm not the one you're looking for.

Oh, I am sorry.

Well, here, keep my card, just in case.

Benson! Benson!

Governor, here are those requisitions.

Oh. Thank you, Benson.

What time's your flight out?

Later tonight. But I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

With you going to Washington,

this would be a bad week for me to be out of the mansion.

Besides,

what good would it do for me to go back?

Sit down, Benson.

Governor, I'm not in the mood for a heart-to-heart talk.

Just sit down. Listen.

I know I'm probably stepping out-of-bounds,

but I just can't let you make a mistake like this.

Nothing's going to change if I go back to Baltimore.

My brother Russ can handle everything.

You're avoiding the issue, Benson.

You can't just put your mother on the plane

and let it go at that.

You've got to admit to yourself

that she's not just going back to Baltimore.

Benson, this is the woman who brought you into the world.

Don't you think the least you can do is to see her out?

All right, I'll step back in bounds now.

I appreciate what you said, sir.

I know how difficult it was to say.

You gonna go?

I'll call you from Baltimore.

Good night, Benson.

Good night, sir.

Hello, I'd like a cab sent to, uh, Dorset Avenue,

please, apartment H.

Yeah, going to the airport. Thank you.

Your own little piece of God.

Remember when Papa died, Mama?

You told us only the good die young.

I'll never forget that.

I spent the entire fifth grade

thinking I was gonna die any second

because I was so good.

But then I noticed God hadn't taken you.

So I figured there must be a loophole.

But there isn't.

It's always too soon.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Can you hear me, Mama?

Who am I kidding?

Pop died a long time ago,

and I haven't heard from him one time.

I don't know what to say, Mama.

You know, it's funny. I had a speech all prepared

that I was gonna say to you when you left.

I was gonna tell you...

I love you,

and thank you for gracing my life

and being there when I needed you.

It was good to see you...

This last time.

And I'll always miss you.

You know, Mama, I'd like to believe

that you are where you always wanted to be.

I guess all I want to know is,

are you happy?

And is it everything you hoped it would be?

You think you could get the Lord to give me a sign?

You know me... Nothing big. Nothing fancy.

No burning bushes or blinding lights.

Just something simple.

Just let me cry.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Yeah.

CABBIE: You call a cab?

Yeah. Just a minute.

There's just one bag.

Going to the airport, right? Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Planes.

Boy, you wouldn't catch me on one of those things.

I'm a train man, myself. Course, that's just me.

Every day, thousands of people fly all over the world.

Doesn't seem to bother them.

I guess it's like everything else in God's green earth.

You got to believe in it, right?

You got to have faith.

Well, meter's running.

[BLOWS LIGHTLY]

Hi, Benson. Hi, Katie.

Wow, what are you all dressed up for?

Daddy and I were at the cemetery visiting my mom.

Oh, that's nice.

You bring flowers?

We were going to, but we forgot to stop.

So Daddy just left her a note. [BENSON CHUCKLES]

Well, it's the thought that counts.

It's too bad you live so far from Baltimore.

You can't visit your mom.

Don't worry, Katie. We keep in touch.

You know what'll be great?

If we could call heaven long distance.

I'm sure the phone company is working on something just like that.

[GIGGLES]

[CLOSING THEME PLAYING]