02x07 - Benson's Groupie

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Front desk?

This is Cabana Nine. Would you get my bill ready?

I want to leave first thing in the morning.

Yeah, I know I'm leaving a day early,

but I've run into a personal problem.

Hi, Benson.

And here it is now.

Why did you leave the party?

We were just starting to limbo.

Well, I ain't limber enough to limbo.

Besides, that steel-drum band

was beginning to loosen my inlays.

I know.

When you've heard one steel band, you have heard them all.

You heard one steel band, you can't hear anything.

Benson...

Benson, you're not... You're not leaving?

Oh, yeah? Then why am I packing?

[SIGHS] You're trying to get away from me.

Oh, Casey, why would I do that?

Well, have I been coming on too strong?

You too strong, Casey? [CHUCKLES]

You haven't let me alone all week.

Every time I come out of the pool,

you want to dry me off without a towel.

What you tried to do to me in the glass-bottom boat

scared away the fish.

Every time I'm having a drink with a nice, normal girl,

you come by and drop your room key in my rum swizzle.

Why don't you go back to what's-his-name?

Harold? No, the short guy.

Oh, Gary.

No, the short guy with the T-shirt that said,

"Olympic necking team."

Judge Thatcher?

Oh, he had to go back to Washington.

Come on, Benson. Stay a little while longer.

No!

I'm not a girl that takes no for an answer.

You're not a girl who can give no for an answer.

Well, can I help it if I'm hung up on you?

That's not my fault. I haven't done anything to encourage you.

Well, sure you have. You've ignored me.

And you know how that turns me on.

[GRUNTS] Get out of there!

Come on, Benson. Stay.

If money's a problem, I'll pick up the tab.

Casey, you'll pick up anything.

All right, then leave.

I'll just have to fly back with you.

Casey, you're not coming with me.

You're just like my second husband.

He never said what he meant, either.

Well, we better say good night. I have to go up and pack.

Casey?

See you on the plane.

You better bring a parachute.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Yeah, Jeannine,

yeah I know the separation agreement says I have to pay your living expenses,

but it doesn't say I have to support your free-loading brother.

What do you mean he has an office job lined up? As what, a paper weight?

Hello? Hello...

She's very sensitive for a girl with thick ankles.

KRAUS: Pete! Put that back!

How did you know? I heard your mouth open.

Out! Out!

I've never been to a religious conference before. What should I wear?

Joan of Arc wore armor.

Forget about your wardrobe.

Governor, for the next three days, this mansion is going to be crawling with clergy,

and Marcy hasn't even given me a list of their names.

Clayton...

Marcy, we are talking about

the most eminent religious leaders in our state.

Now, what do you suggest I say when I meet them?

Hi, guys?

Oh, I wouldn't, Clayton. One of them is a woman.

I put the list on your desk.

Well, why didn't you say so?

'Cause you wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.

[CLEARS THROAT] Here's your coffee.

Hmm, did you put anything in it?

Nothing you can trace.

Hi, everybody. Staff meeting at :, Benson.

Call the plumber. He won't fix the hot-water heater until you approve the estimate.

Oh, yes, I had a wonderful vacation. Thank you very much for asking.

Benson, the clergy have to be picked up at the airport,

and Rabbi Weiss sleeps with a board under his bed.

The island was terrific, palm trees and everything.

Benson, you have to assign all the guest rooms for the clergy.

Fortunately, the tidal wave put a damper on the revolution.

There's a lot to do. Where would you like to begin?

I'd like to begin by putting my bag down.

Oh, Benson, I'm sorry!

We are delighted you're back.

Well, of course we are. It's just that things have been so hectic around here.

You look wonderful. You really do. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you very much, Governor. I feel great, too.

You know, if you want to go on a vacation...

Excuse us, Governor, I need you to sign these papers for me.

Benson! Welcome home!

Oh, hi, Katie. How are you?

Did you have a good time? How was the water?

Did you step on any sea urchins?

That's a yes, a cold, a no, and a maybe.

What's the maybe? What was your next question going to be?

Did you bring me anything?

Ah, there you go.

Maybe there's something on the backseat of my car.

Thank you, Benson.

I missed you. I missed you.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it for you.

Hello? Oh, yeah, just a second. Benson, it's for you.

Just a minute, please.

It's a lady.

A lady?

Watch it doesn't melt your ear. All right.

Hey, yeah. Hello, there, yeah.

Oh, hello, Casey.

That was Marcy...

Marcy Hill.

She works here.

No, I wasn't trying to lose you at the airport.

I was looking for my bag.

Well, how do you know? It could have been in the men's room.

I don't care how long I was in there,

you shouldn't have come in after me.

Uh, would you excuse me a minute?

Would you all go on with your lives without me for a moment?

Hello, Casey. Listen, I've got to go.

I don't have time to...

No, I'm not coming over to your hotel.

You wouldn't dare come over here.

Casey, don't you dare come over here, girl! Hello?

A friend of mine might drop by.

If she does, don't let her in.

Hold it, Frankie!

I've got some hot stuff from the capital for the Guv.

I bet you thought I was trying to sneak past you. That's a laugh.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Benson,

why am I the only courier who has to drop his pouch here in the kitchen?

'Cause you're the only courier trying to sell jokes to the Governor.

I've got some topical ones. They'll k*ll the holy men.

That's what I'm afraid of. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, Benson. Do you know why a priest crosses himself?

To get to the other side.

Too Catholic? I've got one for each denomination.

Except Lutheran. You know, I never met a funny Lutheran.

I never met a funny courier.

Did you hear about the Rabbi who bought himself a ranch,

called it the Bar Mitzvah.

Too Jewish?

Too Western. Too Frankie.

Hey, Frankie. Hi.

Hi. Morning, Benson. Morning.

Look, everybody, what just arrived.

They are long-stemmed roses.

Every time I had a fight with my ex-wife, I'd send her roses.

To make up? No, she's allergic to them.

Well, Gretchen, aren't you going to open them?

But they are not for me, Marcy.

Oh?

They are not for you, either.

Oh.

They are for you, Benson.

What?

Well, you want me to read the card?

Why, is it in German?

It says...

"To that night in the glass-bottom boat.

", kisses, Casey."

Hey, Benson. Va-va-voom!

Send them back.

I will not.

A woman follows you , miles undthen sends you flowers?

What did you promise her?

I didn't promise her anything.

I met her at the pool, we had a few drinks,

I took her to dinner, she invited me to a party with some of her ritzy friends,

and I wasn't having a good time, so I left.

And that was that.

As far as I'm concerned, you're playing it just right.

You keep denying everything.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself

breaking that woman's heart.

I didn't break her heart.

I just told her I didn't want anything more to do with her.

That's letting her down easy.

A man once told me he didn't want anything to do with me.

Oh, Gretchen, that must have been very painful.

Ja.It was my accordion teacher.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Aren't you going to answer that? Nope.

Why not?

It's probably a wrong number.

I bet he's afraid it's Casey.

Are you kidding?

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Restaurant Francais.

Pierre speaking.

Who you want speak?

Benson? Pas ici.

Allo,goodbye.

My father was a very good Christian.

Oh, it wasn't a matter of religious preference, Rabbi.

It's just that when he was born,

he found himself surrounded by Christians.

I guess he figured, "Hey, they got me outnumbered.

"I might as well join them and do the best I can."

Perhaps I should explain, Rabbi.

Don't bother. I know what you're saying.

If your father had been a Jew, he would have been a good Jew.

Exactly.

And you wouldn't be Governor of the state.

[CHUCKLING] That reminds me

of a very amusing story.

I hope it's not the one about the priest, the rabbi, and the camel.

There was this priest, this rabbi, and this camel.

Governor...

Oh, well.

Maybe when we know each other a little better.

Perhaps over lunch. It seems to be ready.

Shall we?

Hope everybody's hungry. I'm starved.

You know, I had a fraternity brother once who almost became a minister.

Really? What stopped him?

Prison.

What a stirring sight.

An ecumenical chow line.

They have to eat, Clayton. They're human beings just like me and...

Forget it.

The thing that frosts me is none of them pay any property taxes.

Benson, you have a...

Don't they make you nervous?

Everything I've done wrong since the age of three is rushing through my mind.

Anyway, you have a visitor.

Your beach buddy is here, Cassandra Turner.

She's here in the house? Cassandra's here?

I beg your pardon, your clergydom.

She's waiting in my office.

How'd she get in?

She told the guard she was a nun.

And he believed her? Would a nun lie?

So, will you be out in a minute?

No, but she will. Call security.

Benson, she just wants to talk.

You don't know her. Well, of course, I don't know her.

I just met her. But she's very sweet, and she's awfully attractive.

Yeah, on the first date.

Well, I think you're making a mistake, but this isn't my affair.

And it's not mine, either.

If you want me to butt out, just say so.

Butt out.

Fine.

But she said if you wouldn't come out and talk to her,

she wanted me to bring her in here to talk to you.

You do, and I'll k*ll you!

Said Cain to Abel, fifth commandment, one of my favorites.

He's right behind me.

I knew he would be.

Casey, what are you doing here?

I couldn't resist your invitation.

I told you not to come over here.

I read between the lines. I missed you, Benson.

Uh-huh. "Uh-huh?"

Is that all you have to say to me?

I'd like to say more, but there's a house full of clergy here.

You're playing hard to get.

Would you two rather be alone?

Makes no difference to me.

I don't care who knows how I feel about this man.

Oh, good. Then I'll stay.

Perhaps not.

Benson...

Okay, I can take a hint.

Casey, do us both a favor and go back to the island.

Well, I'm bored, and I can't resist a challenge.

It's been a long time since a man said no to me.

Don't do that!

Benson, I have a proposition for you.

Another one? Well, this is a business proposition.

A friend of mine owns the Green Paradise Hotel,

and he'd like for you to go back down there and run the place for him.

Oh, when did he say that?

Well, he hasn't yet, but he will.

I'm very happy where I am.

Oh, come on, Benson. Say yes.

If you like the hotel, I'll buy it for you.

[MIMICKING] Will you buy me Park Place and Boardwalk, too?

I'm serious.

[NORMAL VOICE] You're delirious. Where do you get that kind of money?

I earned it fair and square...

Three husbands.

Well, spare me the details and say goodbye!

[GROANS]

Casey! Now who's chasing who?

Casey, I'm not going to be chasing you around this place.

Now, listen. This is ridiculous! [CHUCKLES]

Casey! Stop!

Okay, you win!

I'm yours!

Excuse me.

It's quite all right, Father. This girl sprained her ankle.

Didn't you, Casey? No, my ankle's fine.

Well, it's a miracle.

I've heard of them.

Forgive me for interrupting you, but I'm lost.

Could you tell me where Dr. Jimmy Sloakum is giving his lecture...

The one called, "Television, The th Apostle"?

Oh, yeah. Right this way, Father.

You go right down this corridor...

Uh-huh. Thank you.

Now, where were we?

Well, we were here, but you're going to be someplace else real soon.

Security...

There's a code-three situation in the Governor's office.

Security? You're throwing me out?

Oh, no, no, no. They're going to throw you out.

You better call them back.

I tried to be polite...

No, you're making a big mistake, mister.

You're the one who's making the mistake

barging into the Governor's mansion

in the middle of a religious conference,

showing no respect for me or my colleagues.

Benson, they're small potatoes.

Oh, really? Well, here come two big potatoes.

This lady will be leaving.

Nobody throws me out, nobody.

You're making a big mistake, Benson.

You're going to be sorry for this.

I'm warning you. You're going to be sorry for this!

Now you did it.

HerrBenson, how much longer

are you going to dawdle over that menu?

Well, actually, Kraus,

I was going to have roast beef for Friday night,

but Father Patton won't eat it

even though the Pope says it's okay.

Reverend Ochnid refuses to eat anything with a cloven hoof,

and Mahatma is refusing all food.

[IN INDIAN ACCENT] He's fasting until they take the train tracks

out of his country.

Well, I'm sure they will all enjoy these.

What are they? Hot cross buns.

Well, they should go over well with Rabbi Weiss.

Benson, surprise. Look who's here.

Hey, it's Governor Gatling!

[CHUCKLING] Yeah, but beside me!

Well, that's funny.

She was right behind me just a minute ago.

"She"? Huh?

You said "she."

Oh, I did? Oh, darn!

That's the last hint you'll get from me.

Benson, be patient.

I'm sure she'll be along in just a minute.

Who is it, sir? You'll never guess!

Then tell me. It's a surprise.

So was Pearl Harbor.

I know.

Sir!

Benson, I'm sorry,

but I promised your cousin I wouldn't tell.

My cousin?

[SIGHS] I did it again. I said "cousin."

Well, she was looking for you down at the Capitol building,

so I offered to give her a ride back.

She wanted to surprise you.

My cousin? , short, and plain?

No. , tall, and fancy.

That's Casey. Where is she?

I don't know.

I'd love to help you look for her, Benson,

but I'm afraid the closing prayer

takes priority over a family reunion.

Oh, sir, she's not related. She just wants to be.

I never knew anybody who wanted to become somebody's cousin.

Benson, Benson I got it!

Frankie, out. Couldn't you at least listen?

You think it's easy coming up with Lutheran jokes?

Now, there's a priest, a Lutheran and a camel.

That's a rabbi, Frankie, goodbye.

Why would a priest and a Lutheran ride a rabbi across the desert?

Marcy, have you seen Casey?

Is she here?

That's what I'm asking you.

Well, how would I know if I haven't seen her?

Have you? No.

Well, then what are we talking about?

Forget it.

How can I forget it if I don't know what it was?

Looking for me? Hi.

Out.

Is that any way to talk to your cousin?

Casey, I don't need this. What are you doing here?

I decided the only thing keeping you from taking that position

at the Green Paradise Hotel is your job here.

So I'm going to do you a favor and get you fired.

Oh, yeah? And how are you going to do that?

I don't know. Put you in some sort of compromising position, I suppose.

For instance,

what if the Governor were to come in here right now

and find me in here with my shoes off?

He wouldn't care.

He's seen feet before. He's got two of his own.

Yes, but if what if he were to find my jacket

thrown to the floor in wild abandon?

Okay, that's enough.

And why did you ruthlessly rip off my belt?

Of course, I guess you could try to explain,

but who would believe you?

I mean, you look guilty already.

Benson, they're on their way in here for the closing prayer.

Casey, what are you doing here?

Can't you see? Benson is taking advantage of me.

And in a minute, I'm going to scream.

I may beat you to it.

Marcy, see if you can stall them.

What'll I do?

I don't know. Start a bingo game.

GOVERNOR: I'll get the others.

It's too late. They're on their way in here.

What do I do? Oh, the closet.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in there!

You can still kiss this job goodbye!

Benson, the shoe! [SCREAMS]

Father, how lovely to see you again.

Dear Lord!

In your infinite wisdom, grant me the strength

to gather up these threads of imprudence

that have been cast upon me.

Good afternoon, Father.

Benson, do you always pray this way?

Oh, no, Father, just when I'm at work.

For it is written work and prayer

[ROLLING TONGUE] springeth from the same bush.

"Springeth from the same bush"?

How could I have missed that one?

Is there something behind your back?

[LAUGHS] What...

This must be a dustcloth one of the maids dropped.

See that? It works.

It's a dustcloth, all right.

Come on in, gentlemen... And lady.

Oh, Benson. Did you find your cousin?

Oh! She's around here somewhere, sir.

I'd like to suggest that Rabbi Weiss lead the closing prayer.

He deserves the honor.

If we all got what we deserved,

Yasser Arafat would be a busboy at the Fontainebleau.

Why don't you lead the closing prayer, Father Patton?

Why don't we compromise and have a layman do it?

When I came into the room, I found this man praying. Benson?

Oh, he caught me at it, sir.

It won't happen again.

Don't apologize. No, I'm delighted.

I only hope the rest of the staff

will follow your example in the future.

And now we will all bow our heads.

Dear Lord!

Oh, it's all right, Marcy.

Benson doesn't need any prompting.

Uh, you know, I have a great idea.

Why don't we take this out on the lawn where God can see us?

Great idea.

Don't worry. God sees everything.

He may not like it, but he sees it.

Why don't you step to the center of the room and begin the prayer?

Oh, no, Father. I can pray just fine right here.

With your back to the wall?

That's the best time to pray.

What I mean is, when I was a kid, you know,

I was always late for service,

and the church was always crowded.

The good old days.

So I always had to stand way in the back

up against the choir-loft door,

and that's the only way I can pray now.

By all means, stay where you are.

Yes, and everybody else better do the same thing.

Dear bountiful Lord, we humbly beseech thee

to clothe the naked as soon as possible,

to cover them in the cloak of respectability,

for they are "baring" more than they should,

as everybody knows or soon will.

Amen.

Amen.

Oh, thank you, Benson.

That was very touching, moving, and confusing.

Sir, I think it's time for everyone to go to the patio

for the group photograph.

Patio? I thought we'd take it in here.

No, we can't take it here.

Why not? Tell him, Benson.

Because this room is rectangular,

and the patio is circular, and, therefore,

when it comes to posing the clergy,

the first shall be last, and the last shall be first.

Good thinking, Benson.

That was even more confusing than his prayer.

Well, you better hurry. Oh, yes.

Before we say goodbye,

I think we should all go to the patio for the group photograph.

Naturally, anyone whose belief

forbids photography is excused.

What are you going to do?

Board it up. Good luck.

You helped Daniel when he was in the lion's den.

I hope you don't play favorites.

You're dressed.

Disappointed? Pleasantly surprised.

Oh, I got a lot of surprises for you.

We've got to talk about that. Sit down, Casey.

First off, let me say that I am extremely glad I met you.

Oh, that's encouraging.

This whole experience has been very good for me.

I learned a lot from it.

Oh, tell me more.

Well, I learned what I like in a relationship with a woman.

I learned that I like to pay for dinner,

I like to send the flowers,

and I like to buy my own hotels.

[CHUCKLING] Oh. Sounds like I did everything wrong.

Oh, no, not wrong for you, but wrong for me.

You see, Casey, for any other guy,

you'd be the catch of the day.

Well, let me rephrase that.

You'd be a great catch for any guy any day.

You're beautiful, you're intelligent,

you're great fun to be with in certain circles.

I'm just too square for those circles.

But I know that. Give me time. I'll change you.

No, I don't want to change me. I like my life.

I finally got it down to where it works.

Oh... Well.

I'm glad for you, Benson.

You deserve whatever little niche

you can carve out for yourself.

As for me, I've got to get to the airport.

Where you going?

Wherever planes fly.

Well, good luck. Good hunting.

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

Thank you!

I know when I've had outside help.

You know...

I hope you're up there listening

because I'd hate to think I was standing here

talking to the ceiling.

I don't believe it.

What's the matter, Kraus?

There are three towels missing from the front guest room.

Really? Isn't that where the Mahatma was staying?

Now, why would he take three towels?

Maybe he thought they were hats.

In spite of all the confusion, I enjoyed the conference.

I heard some great jokes.

Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi on the Shetland pony?

Thought it was a Lutheran.

Why would anyone want to ride a Lutheran across the desert?

To get to the other side.

[LAUGHS]