10x04 - I Do, I Don't

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

George,
you had the flu.

Now if the doctor said
you should stay in bed
at least a few more days.

Look, I tell you I feel fine.
I can't be stayin' in bed.

I got business
to take care of.

Well, uh, I remember
when staying in bed was
taking care of business.

Yeah, well, so do I.

But now they send
The Wall Street Journal
to my office.

So, what are you
gonna do today?

Well, with running around,
waiting on you hand and foot

for the last five days,
I can hardly move
a muscle.

Oh, you must've
caught what I had.

I did if
you caught "Hell."

Oh, Ms. Jefferson,
do me a favor,

I want y'all to taste
these cookies I made.

Oh, wonderful.

Why?

They're my entries
in that new cooking show
"Baking with Babs."

And I'm calling my entry
"Florence Johnston's
Chewy Surprise."

Really?

What's the surprise?

They're edible.

Well, we'd love
to try them.

Uh-uh, none for me,
Weezy.

If you pass out,
somebody's gotta call
the paramedics.

Look, George...

Well?

Well...

Uh, they're, uh,
really, um, unique.

What exactly
is in this?

What does it taste like?

Hmm.

Well, I thought
I recognized it,

but uh, oh, no,
it couldn't be.

I was gonna say cucumber.

You got it!

Whoever heard of making
cookies out of cucumber?

Well, there's carrot cake.
Why not cucumber cookies?

Because they taste
like this.

Oh, don't listen
to him, Florence.

I think you have as much
chance of winning that
contest as anybody else.

You really think so?
No...

Well, that's okay.

You know,
they laughed at Columbus,
they laughed at Edison

and they laughed
at the Wright Brothers

and look
what happened to them.

Yeah, they d*ed,
just like whoever eats
those cookies is gonna do.

Oh, I'll get that.

Hello, Louise.
Hi.

Oh, George,
good to see you
up and around.

Yeah, wish I could say
the same for you.

Well, he's back to normal.

Sorry, Louise.

Anyway, we came to
borrow those extra
folding chairs for tonight.

Oh, yeah.
They're in the closet.
I'll get them.

Wait a minute.
Where they going
with our chairs?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

The Help Center asked
Tom and Helen
to give a lecture

to some newlyweds
this evening.

They're gonna discuss
what it takes to make
a happy marriage.

Oh, couldn't they get
Liz and d*ck?

You know, if you two care
to stop by tonight,
you're more than welcome.

Yes.

We're gonna talk about
love and caring and intimacy.

What's that got to do
with me and Weezy?

You know, George,
maybe you're not
as in touch

with those feelings
as you think.

Oh. Then I take it
you've forgotten
about that card

that I gave you
last anniversary.

George gave you a card?

What did it say?

American Express.

George, what we're talking
about are the little things.

For example,
do you know that,

Tom writes me a love
note every single day?

Aw!

Oh, how...

How sweet.

Oh, it's so romantic.

I never know
where they'll turn up.

Sometimes in the shower,
sometimes under my pillow.

And lots of times
on the refrigerator door.

George...

What is the big deal?
I give you
love notes, too.

In fact, I just gave
you one yesterday.

And what's so romantic about,
"We're all out of deodorant?"

I signed it,
"Love, George," right?

Now that's
a perfect example of
what we're planning

to discuss at the
meeting tonight.

Direct communication
in a marriage.

Now you really wanted
to tell Louise that
you love her,

but you had to hide it in
a note about deodorant.

I didn't hide it.
I stuck it on the
bathroom mirror.

Would anybody like some
fresh baked cookies?

Oh, Florence, I'd love to.

Well, I, uh,
I'm watching my waist.

But, uh, oh,
what could one
little cookie hurt.

Your chances for
Social Security.

Hmm-mmm.

Well, they're,
they're very interesting.

Thank you.

What do you think,
Ms. Willis?

Louise, don't you want
to try some?

Uh, no, thanks.

We're trying to cut down
on roughage.

You do like them,
don't you?

Oh, well, uh, uh,
they're round,
and that's a plus.

They're terrible,
aren't they?

Yes.

But round.

Oh, well, I guess
I'll have to try
another road.

Why don't you try
the "Road to Morocco."

Well, come on, Tom.
Get the chairs and lets go.

Yes, my angel.

I still don't believe
y'all are gonna go
through with

this marriage
counselor stuff.

Well, Louise, I guess
what you told me this
morning is absolutely true.

George could
never be trusted
to lead this seminar.

Uh, Helen...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What do you mean
I can't be trusted?

Thanks a lot, Helen.

George, I didn't think
you'd be interested,

so I volunteered
Tom and Helen.

Oh, so you picked
Tom and Helen
over me, huh?

Oh, I see.

Well, you're not upset.

No.

What makes you
think that?

Your temples
are throbbing.

Well, they can throb
if they want to.

It's a free country,
ain't it?

Tom, I think maybe
we should excuse ourselves.

I think maybe George
and Louise could use
some privacy...

But, sweetheart,
that's never
stopped us before.

Tom, out!

Yes, my happiness.

Uh, George, I'm sorry
I didn't talk to you
about the seminar.

Look, Weez,
I don't care about that.

Obviously
I ain't nobody.

Well, in case you did care,
I want to apologize.

To who?
There's nobody
in the room.

Are you sure
you're not angry?

No, I am not angry.

Because if you really
wanted to lead the seminar.

I don't want to lead it!

Where are you going?

To work.

Where I'm somebody.

Well, as long as
you're not angry.

So, how was work
today, George?

What? Oh, great.

Great. People talking to me,
listening to me.

Treating me as if
I was somebody.

What was that?

What was what?
The buzzer.

I don't know.
Sounded like the timer.

Oh, what timer?

The oven timer.

You know, the one
Florence uses
when she's baking.

BOTH: Oh, no!

I'll get it.
No, no, no, I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.
I'll get it.

No, it maybe somebody
who wants me to go
someplace.

Well, don't leave me
here by myself.

Oh, Louise, I'm so glad
you're home.

As soon as we left
here this afternoon,
Tom suddenly became ill.

Uh-oh, I better tell
Florence to get a lawyer.

No, George.
I think he just came down
with what you had.

Oh, as a matter of fact,
I was just wondering if, um,

maybe you two could
take over the
marriage seminar for us.

What?

Uh, you hear that, Weez?

Uh, today I wasn't
good enough to lead
a discussion.

Today I didn't understand.

Today I was
"Mr. Not-In-Touch
With-His-Feelings."

Look, I wouldn't ask
if there was any other way.

Believe me,
I wouldn't ask.

Do you hear this, Weezy?

You came all the way
down here at the last minute,

knowing how sick
that I've been

and just because you run
some guilt trip on me,

I'm supposed
to do you a favor?

Well, I guess
when you put it like that,
it does sound dumb.

I'd love to!

George, are you sure
you want to go through
with this?

The newlyweds
will be here soon
and we are not prepared.

Weezy, just leave it
up to me, the expert...

George Jefferson,
Professor of Love.

Uh-oh.

Now, come on,
get this place ready.

Ms. Jefferson,
have we got any string?

Florence, if those cookies
won't hold together
by themselves,

you've probably
done something wrong.

No, Ms. Jefferson.
It's just that I
couldn't figure out

what to do with
my leftover cookies,

so I decided to
send them to my family.

Oh, dear,
I just remembered!

We have nothing
to serve those
people tonight.

You're expecting
company tonight?

Yes, and they'll be here
any second.

Well, here why
don't you take these?

I'm sure my family
won't mind.

Why should they?

Would a condemned man
mind a pardon from
the Governor?

Mr. Jefferson,
if there was something

really wrong
with these cookies,

I wouldn't give them
to a human being.

I'd give them to you.

Come on, Weezy,
we're not gonna
give those

newlyweds those nasty
cookies, are we?

No, Florence is.

So, legally,
we're in the clear.

Y'know, George,
maybe I'm worrying
over nothing.

Maybe we will be able
to help somebody.

Of course, Weezy.

I can see it now,
those newlyweds coming
to me for guidance.

Well, George,
it's not just you.

I'm sure they'd
want to hear both
of our viewpoints.

Well, don't worry,
I know both of 'em.

I'd like to think that
we both have strong points
in this relationship.

Well, you keep on
thinking that way while
I answer the questions, okay?

Uh, George, let's not argue.

Now we have people
coming here soon

and we are going
to show them that
we have a happy marriage

even if it kills us.

Now, how are we gonna
run this seminar?

Simple.

I'll answer the questions,
you agree.

Then I'll give them
a few pointers on love
and romance.

Then during my
closing remarks, you serve
some coffee.

Then we send
everybody home.

Uh, am I missing something?

All you want me to do
is smile and pour coffee?

They'll think
I'm a waitress.

Well, okay.
Somewhere during

my opening remarks,
I'll say something like
"no tipping".

And in your
closing remarks,

you might want to say
something about the
high cost of alimony.

Look, Weez, all I'm saying
is it's better if I lead
the seminar.

I mean, a man
is the driving force
in a marriage.

And what about
the woman?

Well, Weez, you gotta
have one of those.

Otherwise, the whole
marriage thing would be
a stupid idea.

Okay, now,
I'm gonna be lecturing.

I need something
to stand in front of.

How about
a moving truck?

Look, I thought
you wanted this seminar.

I do.

But not if you're gonna
monopolize the entire
conversation.

But I'm not gonna
do that, Weez.

Well, that's better.

I gotta let the newlyweds
say something.

Oh, I never...

Oh, there they are.
There they are.

Open the door,
try not to say
nothing stupid.

Oh, don't worry,
George.

I wouldn't dream of
doing a man's job.

C'mon.

Hello!
Hello, there.

Come right on in.

Tell 'em to sit down.

Please sit down.

ALL: Thank you.

Did I do okay, George?

Uh, is everybody here?

Wasn't there another couple
who came up with us
in the elevator?

Oh, I'll get them.

Maybe they're shy
around strangers.

They must want children.

Uh, excuse me.

Would you care to join us?

Oh, we're sorry.

We, we thought we were
still on the elevator.

I guess we're still
a little excited.

See, we waited till
after we were married.

Oh, well, do you think
you could wait until
you get home?

Okay. Okay.

Now that we're all here...

Shall we introduce
ourselves?

My name is
George Jefferson.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

Oh, yeah.
There's no reason to tip
this lady. She's my wife.

My name, George.

Give them my name!

Okay.
Her name is Louise.

Oh, hi, everybody.
Welcome to our...
Next.

I'm David Markowitz.

And I'm Heather
Goldfarb-Markowitz.

I was afraid
to lose my identity,
so I hyphenated.

Oh.

Well, don't worry.
You can always adopt.
Next?

We're Leon
and Alice Jackson.

I'm sorry.
This is for
newlyweds only.

Uh, but,
we are newlyweds.

We married three
weeks ago last Tuesday.

Right, Bunny Face?

Right, Snuggles.

Aw, three weeks.

How wonderful.

You two are very
special people.

Oh, no, not really.

You see,
we had to get married.

You what?

Uh, tax purposes.

Oh.
Next.

Hey, Frank Turziano.
And this here's my
old lady, Donna.

Uh, yo.

Very inspiring, Donna.

And finally we have...

Oh, uh, excuse me.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Steven
and Judy Wilson.

Our wedding was
just ten days ago.

Oh, yeah, I was pretty
active back then myself.

Way, way back then.

Okay. Now that
we all know each other,

let me tell you
a little bit about us.

My wife, Louise,
is married to a great guy.

You, you're handicapped
because I'm not married
to any of you.

But that doesn't
mean that your marriage
won't work.

It just means you'll have
to work a little harder.

What George
is trying to say...

They're not stupid, Weez.
Just inexperienced.

Anyway, now,

if you really want
your marriage to work,

never let your spouse
feel neglected,
unwanted or left out.

Spouses have feelings, too.

Well, I feel...

But the most important
thing in a marriage
is a sense of humor.

I can't count the number
of times during our
married years

when my sense of humor
saved our marriage.
Right, Louise?

Chuckle, chuckle...

See?

So now that you have
the basics of the

George Jefferson Philosophy
on Marriage,

you are ahead of
percent of the people
walking the streets today.

So, are there
any questions?

Uh, yes, yes, yes.

Uh, that lady from the
Help Center said that there
was gonna be food here.

So, like, where is it?

Louise...

Oh, of course.

Florence, can you bring out
those refreshments?

When my maid
brings out the snacks,

I'll make sure the first
cookie goes to you.

Okay.
Any other questions?

C'mon ask, ask.
Don't be bashful.

Nothing's too personal.

Uh, do you think
the Napoleonic Complex
applies to your marriage?

Probably.
What is it?

Well, that's when a man
becomes power hungry

because his lack of height
makes him feel inadequate.

Next.

Well, I just want to say

that marrying Bunny Face

was the smartest thing
that I ever did.

That's my Snugs Bug.

So, uh, we have
a question about sex.

Next!

Uh, I have something.

You see, Steve here has
been so wonderful through
the whole thing.

Considerate, attentive,
and so romantic.

Uh, my question is,
will it stay that way?

Dream on, sweetheart...

Uh, Donna, we haven't
heard from you yet.

Isn't there something
you'd like to ask?

Um, oh, well, yeah.

Um... See, me and Frankie
got married a week ago.

But does this mean
I gotta stop seeing
other guys?

Where're you from?

Jersey.
Nah, it doesn't matter.

Refreshments!

Just help yourself,
they're homemade...

Oh, you really
like them, huh?

Nope.

Well, how come
you took so many?

I'm gonna play Frisbee
with a dog I hate.

What did he do,
eat out of your bowl?

Well, if there are
no more questions,

I'm now available
for autographs.

Um, I have one more.

You see, my wife and I
have been disagreeing
about something.

Oh, David,
don't bring that up.

It sounds so trivial.

Oh, that would be perfect.

So is the Professor.

Well, y'see, I like to go
to the hockey games.

But Heather here likes
the opera and we end up
fighting all the time.

Oh, well, see,
in our family,

we follow
the age old tradition,

the man is the driving force
of the marriage,

the man earns the money,
the man makes the decisions.

Well, what if the woman
earns the money?

What?

Heather makes
more than I do.

Oh, but not that
much more, right?

Oh, quite a bit.

I'm the vice-president
of a bank and David
is a teller...

...in training.

Well, Professor?

Well, uh, there are
times in a marriage

when you should,
uh, compromise. Okay.

One time you go
to the hockey game,

the next night
you go the opera.

George Jefferson, how can
you be so hypocritical?

Weezy, dig yourself
in front of these people.

I don't care.
I'm not gonna stand here
and listen to you

tell these people one thing
and you do another.

Now, since you are
so compromising,

how come you never go
with me to the ballet?

Because I hate to watch
a bunch of silly girls running
around a stage in toe shoes.

Well, I'm not thrilled
watching those

toothless men run around
on ice skates.

Now, that's not fair,
Weezy.

You bash a ballet dancer
in the mouth with a puck
and she'll be toothless, too.

George, why don't you be
honest with these people?

You never compromise.

We always go
to the hockey games.

That's why I'm the only woman
I know who can name every
goalie in the NHL!

Oh, yeah?

Red Wings.

Oh, there's no talking
to you, George.

Fine.
Then stop talking.

You got it!
Yeah, well, I'll take it.

Well, you asking for it.
I'm telling you, you got it.

Well, if you giving it,
I'm taking it and thank you.

And I'm not gonna say
you're welcome.

ALL: Bravo!

Yeah, that was really great.

What was?
That demonstration.

Now that was
really enlightening.

It was like a real fight,
wasn't it?

Yeah.
Until it got silly.

How long did you rehearse?

Rehearse?

I can't tell you
how many stuffy lectures
we've been to,

where all they do is preach
and hand out pamphlets.

Yeah, yeah.
But you prove
that it's okay

for a loving marriage to
have anger and frustration
and immaturity.

Mrs. Jefferson,
you're very good
at immaturity.

Thanks.

Come, Frankie.
Let's get home,
I've got a date.

It's my brother,
ain't it?

Hey, you heard the man,
he said it's all right.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

I don't care what
the man said.

Thank you.
Oh.

My pleasure.
It was a thrill
meeting you both.

Oh, thank you for coming.

Bye, bye.
Bye, bye.

Come on, woman,
we're going to the
hockey game tonight.

Just kidding, dear.

I'm trying to be
the driving force.

Uh, could I ask you
something personal?

Uh, why not?

Uh, if you stop the
elevator between floors...

Will the lights go out?

Good-bye, dear.

Y'know, George,
after all that,

they still think we have
the perfect marriage.

Yup, and y'know something?
So do I.

Look, Weez, I'm sorry
for actin' so crazy.

Oh, I guess I acted
a little crazy too.

Yeah, I know, but see,
it looks good on you.

It does?

No, no, I mean, everything
looks good on you.

Oh, well, what do you know.

You are romantic after all.

Of course, I am.

Haven't you been
reading those notes
on the bathroom mirror?