08x11 - A Charmed Life

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin'
wrong with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

I can't find the sports
section, you got it over
there, Weez?

No, George. This
is the society page.

It's interesting
to see how the
other half lives.

The other half, Weezy?
We are the other half.

When we were poor,
we were the lower half.

Then I started making
money, and we became
the upper half.

Now, we're loaded,
which makes us
the other half.

Let's face it, we're all
three halves.

I'm impressed, George.
You didn't have to
use your calculator.

Where's Ralph with
our Chinese food?
I'm starving.

Oh, he'll be here any
minute. I placed the
order an hour ago.

By the way, how do you
feel about moo goo gai pan?

What can I say, Weezy?

That whole Middle East
situation is crazy.

Oh, look! The Whittendales
threw a big party last night,

right here
in the building.

Where? Where's
the article?
I don't see it.

It's in Kingsley's
column.
Kingsley?

Morgan Kingsley,
the social columnist.

He only goes to
the top social
events in the city.

Wrong. The Jefferson
Cleaners had it's
Bowling Banquet last week.

He didn't show
his face there.

Ah, here it is.
Man, look at all the big
wigs that were up there.

I could have made
the deal of a lifetime.

Oh, George.

Damn! Why didn't
Whittendale invite me?

I've known him for years.

We're living right
in his building.

I've done business
with him.

George, he hates
your guts.

Nah. Nah. There's something
else working here.

All right, Weezy,
what did you do to him?

I hope that's the
food, George.

I hope it's anything
that will plug up
your mouth.

The Chinese food here yet?

Hello, Tom.
Oh, hello.
Well, where is it?

It's not here yet,
but Ralph's on his way.

I hope he's bringing
chopsticks.

Yeah, knowing your
husband, he should be
bringing chop shovels.

Tell me, Louise, is George
joining us at the adult
table tonight?

Helen, this was a great
idea. I love Chinese food.

So do I.
But it's true what they say

you really are hungry
an hour after you eat it.

Honey, that's the
beauty of it.

Oh, boy, this is great.
I go crazy for eggrolls.

I'll say. You ate a
carload of them

at the Whittendale's
party last night.

Hold it! You were at
the Whittendale's
party last night?

Oh, yeah. It was a
great party.

You two couldn't
make it, huh?

Well, no, we started to
go, but, uh,

at the last minute,
Weezy had a baby.

Congratulations!
Thank you.

Uh, Helen, we weren't
at the Whittendale's
because we weren't invited.

Oh, yeah. That, too.

Oh, Louise. Did you see
today's paper?

The party was written up
in Kingsley's column.

Yes, I was just reading
about it. Gee, I wish
we had been invited.

Yeah, I just can't
figure it out.

Look, Willis, if you were
any kind of a friend,

you would've walked up to
Whittendale and said,

"Gee, this party stinks.
You should've invited my
good friend, George Jefferson.

"He would've livened
things up around here."

If you must know, George,
Tom did ask why you
weren't invited.

And what did Whittendale say?

He said he hates
your guts.

I'll get it.

George, why don't you just
forget about the party?

Yeah, you're right, Weezy.
It's probably just
an oversight.

I mean, after all,
Whittendale couldn't invite
every Tom, d*ck and Harry.

Hello, there,
Mr. Jefferson, sir.

Missed you at the
Whittendale's party
last night.

Ralph? He invited Ralph!

Oh, I know, I know...
But Weezy, he's just
a doorman!

I know, I know...

Ralph, how come
Whittendale invited you?

Sir, anybody who is
anybody was there.

But you ain't nobody.

Not according to
the guest list, sir.

What about me?
I'm somebody.

Not according to
the guest list, sir.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute,

Ralph, listen, uh,
look, here's $ .

Now you were there, right?
You must have heard
something.

Tell me,
why wasn't I invited?

Oh, no, sir. Really,
it's, it's not my place.

Look, here's another five.
Let me have it.

I couldn't, sir.
It wouldn't be right...

Okay. Here's $ .

Now, what did
Mr. Whittendale say
about me?

He said
he hates your guts.
Have a nice day, sir.

Well, that's settled.
Let's eat.

Florence, the food's here!

I don't understand it.
I really just don't
understand it.

I mean, how could anybody
have a party and not want
George Jefferson there?

I don't know.

Maybe they couldn't
find a cupcake for
you to jump out of.

George, what's
the big deal?

We're different people
from the Whittendales.

They go to art museums,
concerts, the opera,
the theater...

Wait a second, Weezy.
Look, I took you to the
theater last week.

But, George, that was a
movie theater.

But it wasn't no
ordinary movie.

I mean, we had
front row seats for

God Help Me,
I'm a Mushroom.

Yeah, we saw that on
a double bill with There's
a Fungus Among Us.

George, the point is,

the Whittendales do more
cultural things than
we do. Classier things.

Yeah, but I'm a classy
guy. Admit it, Helen.

I can be just as classy
and cultured as I want
to be, can't I?

Can't I?
No.

Who asked you?
Look, Willis, as horrible
as it sounds,

you are my best friend, right?
Now, as friend to friend,

do I or do I not
have class?

Well, uh, would you allow
me to finish my dinner

regardless of what
my answer is?

Of course.

George, you're frequently
loud and obnoxious.

Get out.

George, you're acting
like a child.

You're being ridiculous.

You're overreacting.

You're bald.

Well, it was my turn.

All right, everybody,
listen up.

Look, I just made
a decision.

Saturday night I'm gonna
throw a party and invite

that society writer
Morgan Kingsley
over here.

And I'm gonna show him
and you once and
for all that I,

George Jefferson,
have class and charm.

George, let's assume that,
against all odds,

you do get Kingsley
over here.

He's bound to be disappointed.
He's used to sophisticates,

intellectuals and,
uh, longhairs.

Mr. Jefferson's got long
hair if you lay all five of
them end to end.

George, you don't
know the first thing
about charm.

Wrong, Weez. I know
the most important
thing about charm.

I know where to buy it!

Well, Weez,
I finally did it.

I got Morgan Kingsley coming
over for cocktails and
hors d'oeuvres Saturday night.

What? How did you
manage to do that?

Well, a little bit of
fast talking, and a lot
of creative thinking.

Just how much
"creative thinking"?

I told him that you
had an affair with
Winston Churchill.

What? Me and
Winston Churchill?

How could you do that?

I panicked, Weezy. He wasn't
gonna come. I had to
tell him something.

And don't worry about it.
Kingsley probably won't
even mention it.

I can't believe this.

Look, Florence, I want you
on your best behavior
Saturday night.

Oh, don't worry,
I will be.
Saturday's my night off.

Oh, no. I need you
here, this has got to
be a first class party.

I need a classy and
sophisticated maid.

And you the closest
thing I got.

Well, if you
want a classy and
sophisticated maid,

you're gonna have
to cough up.

Okay, I'll give you
$ for the night.

I said cough.
You ain't even clearing
your throat.

Okay, $ .

Do I hear some congestion?
Two hundred dollars.

Now you coughin',
child.

Okay, George.
Now that you've put money
in Florence's pocket,

and Winston Churchill
in my past, what's your
contribution for the evening?

Louis Alfred Grayson
the Third.

Who?

Only the greatest charm
teacher in the history
of charmology.

He's coming over here
in a few minutes
to make me classy.

But you've only got a
week. It's impossible.

Impossible?
That's what they told
Christopher Columbus.

But he showed them
when he washed up
on the shores of Ohio.

That's him.
Come on. Come on.

Look, Florence,
I want you to be on
your P's and Q's.

This man is an artist
and he deserves all
of our respect.

Mr. Jefferson, I'm
Louis Alfred Grayson,
the Third.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Lesson number one,
invite me in.

Oh, excuse me.
Come in.

Ah, good evening, ladies.
I stand in awe of
your beauty.

Lesson number two,
say "Hello."

Oh, hello. I'm
Louise Jefferson.

And you know my
husband, George.

And you are?
Florence Johnston.

How do you do?

Observe The proper quote
at the proper time is
always appreciated.

"A thing of beauty
is a joy forever."

Oh, how lovely.
Who said that?

He said it,
Weezy. Ain't you
paying attention?

No, Mr. Jefferson,
it's John Keats. He was
a great poet.

Oh yeah? John Keats, did
he write the one about
the hermit named Dave?

I see I have my
work cut out for me.

Well, we'll let you
two get started.

It sounds like it's going
to be a long night.

Good night, Florence.
Tonight, ere my head
hits the pillow,

my dreams
will be of you.

Child, did you
hear that?

He said, "Ere" his head
hits the pillow.

Not "before," but "ere."
Child, that's so romantic.

What a beautiful woman.

Florence? Beautiful?

You don't get
out much, do you?

FLORENCE:
Watch it, Mr. Jefferson!

Shall we sit?
Oh, yes, sure.

You know, I really appreciate
you coming over here
at the last minute.

I must admit, you were
lucky to get me.

I just returned
from England.

The Queen needed
a brush-up.

Great, you do hair, too?

Uh, Mr. Jefferson, from our
phone conversation,

I gather that you're
having a person here that
you'd like to impress

with your charm and
sophistication.

Damn right.

Well, I like a challenge.
Let's start with something

that gave the
Queen trouble. Walking.

Now, please walk for me.

Okay.

How's that?

Well, that walk will get
you where you're going,

but then again,
so will a ' Olds.

Why don't we try
something else?

Yeah. Why mess
with perfection?

Now, you want
to impress this Mr...
Kingsley.

Kingsley. What's the
best way to do this?

Show him my bank book?

No.

Let you do his hair?
No, no, no.

Dazzle him with your
sparkling conversation,

i.e., your wit.

I.e.?

Latin. Id est.It means
"In other words."

I.e.? How do
you spell it?

I-E.

Oh, just the way
it sounds.

Aw, this is great
i.e., terrific.

The Queen was a cakewalk
compared to this.

Now, I will pretend
to be Mr. Kingsley.

Come over and engage
me in conversation.

I.e., talk to you.

Yes. And stop that!
I.e., no more?

I said stop it!
Okay.

Now, I'm Mr. Kingsley,
and you shall ease yourself
into the conversation.

Right.

Well?

Well, you looked like
you were having
such a good time,

I didn't want
to interrupt.

Besides, you told me
you were Mr. Kingsley,

but you didn't tell
me who I was.

Is that liquor?

Yeah. You gonna show me
how to pour a drink?

No, I'm going to show
you how to guzzle, i.e.,

get smashed,
right here on the floor.

George? Charming?

I won't believe it
until I see it.

Well, it's true. I've got
to give him credit.

Once George decides
to do something, he never
rests until it's done.

And believe me,
he's a changed man.

Well, well, well.

Good evening, Helen.

So glad you
could make it.

"A thing of beauty is
a joy forever."

John Keats.

And Thomas, aren't
you looking dapper?

That tuxedo makes you
look thinner, i.e,
less fat.

Why thanks, George.
Hey, Helen,
he is charming,

i.e., less George.

Florence, not since
Botticelli's Venus emerged
from the velvet sea

have I seen such
grace in motion.

Who are you?

Another gem from your
inexhaustible mine of wit.

Okay, what'd you do
with Mr. Jefferson?

Strange as it might seem,
Florence, that's
George all right.

It may be Mr. Jefferson,
but he sure ain't all right.

I hope this affair ain't
gonna last too long.

Because I want to give
myself a facial tonight.

Whatever for? The Lord
gave you a perfect face.

It needs no
enhancement.

I'm beginning
to like him.

Me too. Frightening,
isn't it?

Ah, the doorbell.
I'll get it.

Oh, no, no,
allow me.

Did I say that?

The whole world's
gone crazy.

Hello, I'm Morgan Kingsley.

Morgan Kingsley,
Mr. Jefferson.

I'm George Jefferson,
Mr. Kingsley.

I've admired your
column for years.

Well, we have
that in common.

Yes, I have an eye for
genius. Oh, and beauty.

Allow me to introduce you
to my wife, Louise.

Pleased to meet you.
My pleasure.

And you must tell me
everything about you
and Sir Winston.

Oh...

Morgan, you were
at the Whittendale's
party last week,

you must
remember Helen Willis
and her better half.

Or should I say her
better three-quarters.

Nice to see you again.

Good seeing you, too.
Yes, hello.

Uh, why don't we all
sit? My legs are a
little shaky.

I'm sorry your wife
couldn't make it.
Is she feeling better?

Yes, a little. She seemed
to improve the moment she
spoke to her doctor.

I think there's even a
quotation about a
situation like that.

Oh, you must be thinking
about that quote that says

"Some patients,
though conscious that
their condition is perilous,

"recover their health with the
contentment of the goodness
of the physician."

That's it.

Who said that?

Why, the original physician
himself Hippo-Crates.

That's Hippocrates.

Ho, ho, ho.
You say "to-may-to"
I say "to-mah-to".

Champagne?

Thank you, yes.

Uh, Florence. Florence
has been with our employ
for the past eight years.

She's become quite
indispensable. I like to think
of her as my right hand.

Well, working for a man
like Mr. Jefferson

has been one of the
great joys of my life.

I haven't seen this much
bull since they
canceled Rawhide.

Will there be anything else,
Mr. Jefferson?

No, thank you, my dear.

Trundle along, child.

Thank you, sir.

Easiest $ I ever made.

Well, there's
nothing like good
French champagne.

Oh, yes. I say there's
nothing quite as special

as a grape that's
been picked from
a French bush.

Really?

Indeed. There's something
special about a French wine.

It gives it its insouciance,

its je ne sais quoi,
it's unmistakable au jus.

But I'm monopolizing
the whole conversation.

Louise, why don't you favor
Mr. Kingsley with one of your
ever amusing anecdotes?

Okay, George.
Why don't I tell him about

my two week fling
with Joseph Stalin?

You're kidding.
Ain't you, Weez?

Mr. Jefferson, why don't
we put an end to
this charade?

You mean "char-aid"?

You say "char-aid,"
I say "char-odd."

Let's call the whole
thing off.

Mr. Jefferson, you are
obviously a man

who has made
some money...
"Some" money...

And is now trying
to pass himself off as
a man of breeding,

after probably taking
charm lessons for a day.

It was a whole week.

You think that by appearing
in my column you will
gain social respectability?

Well, as the French used
to say, "Oui".

Good evening.

Hey, don't leave now.

Mr. Jefferson,
I never should have
come here tonight.

Mr. Whittendale
warned me about you.

What did he say
about me?

He said he hates
your guts. Ciao.

Hey, wait a minute.
I didn't finish
all my quotes.

"Melancholy is the nurse
of frenzy, sharper than
a serpent's tooth."

"Dead men wear no tails."

Well, um, thank you for
a lovely evening, Louise.

Yes, thanks so much.
We really must be going.

Oh, and, uh, George,

uh, for whatever it's worth,
I think you're very charming.

Beat it, fatso.

Ciao!

What happened, Weez?
What went wrong?

I don't know, George.
But I can tell you
one thing.

My beloved Winston
would never have behaved
the way you did tonight.

Oh, come on, Weezy.

George, why is it so
important for you to be
sophisticated and classy?

Because of you.

Me?

Yeah. Well, I tried
to give you everything
you want.

I mean, you
deserve the best.

A good home,
good clothes,
a good life.

You have given me
those things.

I know, but last week
you wanted something and
I couldn't give it to you.

Oh, George,
that happens to every man
once in a while.

You were just tired.

You're not making
it any easier, Weez.

I'm talking about
how you wanted to go
to Whittendale's party.

But we didn't get
invited because I'm
not classy enough.

Oh, George...

No, really, Weez.
I mean, you shouldn't have
to read those papers

about fancy people
and fancy parties.

You should be one of those
people at those parties.

Instead, you're stuck
with a no class guy
like me.

George, I am not stuck
with you.

I love you,
just as you are.

You mean it?
I mean it.

Wow, I'm really glad
you said that, Weez.

Okay, gorgeous.
What do you say we
turn in early tonight?

Well, how are you feeling?

I ain't tired tonight.

Okay. Let's go, tiger.

You know,
you were doing great
for a while there.

I was?
Yeah.

You know how I
like that kind of talk.

Do some more.
Oh.

Parlez-vous francais?

Yeah!

Oh, George.

Vive la difference.