08x10 - I've Got a Secret

[bunniefuu]

Well, we're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot of tryin'

Just to get up that hill

Now we're up
in the big leagues

Gettin' our turn at bat

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

We're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

I'm in the mood
for love

'Cause I'm a rich

Drycleaner

Yes, sir, this rich

Drycleaner

Is in the mood
for love

Louise?

In a minute.

You better hurry up.
My motor's running.

Put it in park, George.
I'm almost finished.

Come on, Weez. You've been
writing in that thing
every day for a month.

Why you gotta keep
a diary anyway?

Because I want to start
recording the years
as they pass.

But that's like
getting at a parade late.

All the good stuff
already marched on by.

What you got
in there anyway?
Stuff.

Well, look, could you be
a little more specific?

It's just stuff.

Huh. About me?

Some.

Huh. Oh, I know.

It's like how great I am
and how great I treat you,
right?

Mmm.

What's that
supposed to mean?

What's in there,
Weez?
Stop!

Okay, write
what you want.

I don't care.

I'll give you bucks.

No, George.

This diary is
very personal.

It's for my eyes only.
Can you understand that?

Yeah.

What the hell are
you hiding in there?

I'm not hiding
anything. Trust me!

Trust you? Weez,
we've been married
for years.

We're beyond trust.

George, drop it.
Let's try to get
some sleep.

We have a busy
day tomorrow.

You promised to help me
do the spring cleaning.

Oh, Weez, I don't...

Well, we can't put it off
any longer.

Now, Mr. Bentley is doing
his spring cleaning
and so are we.

Okay, I'll do it.

...If you let me
read the diary.

George, forget
about my diary.

We should be
thinking about
other things.

Turn out the light,
George.

No!

But don't you
feel frisky?

No!

Okay, your loss.

George, you've got
to throw out some
of this junk.

Weez, this ain't junk.

Then what do you
call this?

It's an antique.

Say "aloha,"George.

Oh, Weezy, look.

My first price list
from the first original
Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Toss it!

Toss it? Weezy, look.
This thing is history.

This price list has
a lot of sentimental
value for me.

Look at this,
"Shirts, laundered and
starched, cents.

"Pants pressed, cents."

Boy, in those days
those guys could
really modernize.

Ah, memories.

I'm sure you
will miss it.

Come on, Weezy,
don't throw it away.
It's like a friend.

Well, then it's time
for your friend
to move out.

And evict all the rest
of this stuff with him.

Weezy, I can't throw
all this good stuff out.

Okay, I will,

under one condition.
What?

You let me read
your diary.

George, I thought
we put that subject
to rest last night.

Look, Weez, the only thing
that rested last night
was you.

I couldn't sleep a wink.

No wonder.

You were too busy
planning commando raids
on my nightstand.

Okay.

Let's put it this way.

You let me read your diary,
I'll let you read mine.

You don't have
a diary.

Okay, I'll read yours
and we'll call it even.

Why is it
so important for you
to read my diary?

'Cause you got
something in there
you don't want me to see.

George, you've got
nothing to worry about.
You can trust me.

And to show you
how much I trust you,

I'm going to
the Help Center now

and I'm leaving my diary
in my nightstand.

Oh.

Which drawer?

George, promise
you won't look.

Weez, if you trust me
you wouldn't make me
promise.

I know.

And if you trust me,

you won't be afraid
to promise I can trust you
to trust me.

Okay.

But if you trusted me
as much as you say you do,

then you wouldn't say
you don't trust me

and you wouldn't make me
promise to trust you
that you trust me.

Ball's in your court,
Louise.

Stay away from
my diary.

Game, set, match.

Louise...

Oh, hello.
Oh, hi, Mr. Bentley.

Oh, well, how's
the spring cleaning
coming?

Oh, marvelously.

I found lots of old and
useless things lying
around my apartment.

What, some of your
relatives come over?

Look, George, Mr. Bentley
has no problem throwing
away his old junk.

Well actually,
I'm returning
this old junk.

It belongs to you.

Oh.

Uh, George,
help Mr. Bentley
with this stuff.

And put the things
that you want
in one box

and the things
you want to get rid of
in the other box.

Then what?

Throw both boxes away.

Look, Bentley,
I'ma talk to you
about marriage.

Well, I'm very
flattered, Mr. J,

but you're already
spoken for.

That's a good one,
isn't it?

Shut up, Bentley.

Look, I got
a question to ask you.

What's the most
important thing
about a marriage?

A good sex life.

Okay, what's the second
most important thing?

Good conversation.

Why?

Because good conversation
can lead to a good sex life.

Okay, but not keeping
secrets and being open
is in the top , right?

Well, I should
suppose so, yes.
That's all I want to hear.

You know,
your question reminds me

of a neighbor of mine
back in Bristol, England.

Thurston Twilley.

Now, Thurston was
an older man who married
a young and beautiful girl.

The entire neighborhood
gossiped about the fact

that she'd married him
for money and not for love

and that she had
a string of young men
on the side.

But Thurston chose
to ignore those rumors

and he trusted her
completely.

She was very grateful for this
and can you guess why?

No, I was sure
you couldn't.

So that she had enough time
to empty his bank account
and run off with the mailman.

That's a good story,
Bentley.

Thank you, Mr. J.
It's one of my most requested.

Why, what have you
got there?

It's nothing
but a diary.
Oh.

Uh, George?

Oh! Huh?

I got all the way
to the lobby

before I realized
I forgot this.

Oh, now you got it.
Bye, Weez.

Well, haven't you dumped
that stuff yet?

Oh, allow me, Mrs. J.
I'll get it down
to the trash chute.

No, you can't,
Bentley.

Oh, of course I can, Mr. J.
I'm stronger than I look.

No, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait!
George!

George, what's wrong?
Bentley...

Ta-ta, Mr. J, Mrs. J.

Bentley, wait! Wait!

George,
you look guilty.

I do?
That's not guilt, Weezy.

My shorts are just tight.

Did you look
at my diary?

I swear I never
read a word, Weez.

Now, why don't you hurry
and get out to
the Help Center.

But what's the rush?

'Cause there's a lot
of helpless people
down there

and you're supposed
to be helping them.
So get there and help.

Well, don't I get
a little kiss?

Oh, here.

I feel like I just went
through a carwash.

Come on, Weezy,
you're gonna be late.

Oh, oh!
Excuse me, Mrs J,

I didn't see your
turn-signal.

Turn-signal!
Boy, I'm hot today!

George...

Where is the stuff?

Oh, well, I'd say
right about now

it's going by the third floor,
the second floor,

first floor, lobby, splat!

It's in the trash bin, Mr. J.

Ben... the... Oh!

Whoosh!

Bentley, damn that diary
better be down here.

Oh, it's here, Mr. J.
I have no doubt.

You know,
with a little carpeting
and a few nice pictures,

this could be
a very attractive
little room.

Look,
decorate later, Bentley.
Now give me a ten.

Right-o, Mr. J.

Okay.
Alley-oop.

No!

Are you all right?

Just give me your hand.
I'll help you up.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll use the ladder.
The what?

Okay, now look...

Now, you know why
we're here, right?

So start digging in,
okay?

Mr. J.
Huh?

What is that?

I don't know
what it is,

but somebody had
the guts enough
to eat half of it.

Come on.
Start digging.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

Well, that was close,
eh, Mr. J?

Look.

I once had a drink
with a sanitation worker
who was an expert garbologist.

And he told me you can tell
a great deal about a person
from what he throws away.

Yeah, you sure can.

I could tell by this
ice-cream carton that
about an hour ago

Tom Willis had dessert.

Watch out! Here it comes.

Mr. J, I have never
experienced live combat,

but I suspect
it's a little like this.

Bentley, do you see nothing?

Oh, look!
Oh, you got it?
You got it?

No, no. Someone must have
thrown away a batch of
old Playboymagazines.

Oh, Bentley,
get off the Playboy
and look for my diary.

I got it!
Oh, good, Mr. J.

Now, let me see.

"Wednesday..."
Get out of here!
This is private.

Sorry.

"Wednesday,
March st.

"Had a brief but very
romantic rendezvous
with Irwin the plumber.

"It was wonderful.

"Thank goodness
George was late.

"As it was,
he and Irwin passed
each other in the hall."

This is more
serious than
I thought, Bentley.

I must say,
that didn't sound
like Mrs. J.

Of course it didn't
sound like her.

I'm the one
reading it.

Going with a plumber?

It isn't enough they
charge an arm and a leg.

No, no, no.
This can't be true.

I don't know, Mr. J.
Ordinarily,
I'd agree with you.

But you know
Mrs. J never lies.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, if she wrote that
she's cheating on you,
she's cheating on you.

At least you can take
comfort in that.

Yes.
There's more, too.

"Thursday, the nd.

"Told George I was
going to the Help Center.

"Instead, I visited
Jerome at his garage."
Oh.

"I know we don't have
a car, but Lord,
I needed the tune-up."

Argh!

This is horrible, Bentley.

It certainly is.
You wife cheating
on your plumber!

I'm gonna get
that plumber
and that Jerome.

Plumber, tune-up,
all that.

Wait till I get
my hands on her.

This door's locked!

I gotta get to Weezy.

Oh, I wouldn't
worry about it, Mr. J.

I doubt very much
if she's lonely.

Bentley,
didn't you know
the door was locked?

Well, of course.
That's why
I brought the key.

The key.
Well, where is it?

Well, it's right
in the door
on the other side.

Hold this, Bentley.

Argh!

Oh, Mr. J.
This door's locked.

I don't think you have to
worry so much

about those characters,
Irwin and Jerome.
Why not?

Because your real threat
is this fellow in
the next page. Bob.

Bob!

I'm going through
the trash chute.

Oh, that's very
dangerous, Mr. J.

No, it ain't.
I'll just go up
to the first floor,

then I'll take
the elevator
all the way up.

Well, it's still
a very courageous act.

You know, it may not
be much consolation,
but I want you to know

that I think your wife
is cheating on one
hell of a fella.

Look, just help me.
Okay, Mr. J.

Alley-oop.

There you go.
Careful.

You all right, Mr. J?

Yeah, Bentley.
This ain't as bad
as I thought.

Oh!

Mr. J,
are you all right?

Let me help you up.

You know,
I've been meaning
to try this cereal.

Bentley,
the diary fell out.

Mr. Jefferson,
GEORGE: Where is it?

Mr. Bentley.

Ralph.
Hey, you better
watch out, sir.

I was dumping
Mrs. Garrety's trash
for her on the first floor,

and I just saw
an enormous rat!

Don't worry about it.

The rat was me.
Oh.

Well, I thought
he had a nice smile.

Look, we were
locked in here.

Thank God
you showed up.
Oh, is that right, sir?

Well, I'm sure glad
I could be of service.

That's what
I'm here for.

Here you go, Ralph.
Thanks.

But I just
threw this out.

A-ha!

I beg your pardon?

It's too late to
be begging pardons.

Your secret life
is over.

My what is over?

And what is this?
Some trinket for one
of your playmates?

Well, this is
for Irwin.

This is for Jerome.

And this is for Bob!

George, what's
the matter with you?

What are you
screaming about?

What am I
screaming about?

I'll tell you what
I'm screaming about.
This!

No!

This!

George, you took
my diary.

And I thought
I could trust you.

And lucky for me
you couldn't.

You wanna see trust?
I'll show you trust.

"March st.
Rendezvous with Irwin.

"March nd.
I visited Jerome
at his garage."

"The rd. Bob asked me
to divorce George
and marry him."

You need to hear more?
You wanna hear more?
Of course there is.

"The th.

"George, I planted
this fake diary

"'cause I knew
you'd read it.

"I hope this has
taught you a lesson,
George.

"You should be ashamed.
Are you?"

Well, are you?

Now, what do you
have to say for
yourself, George?

What's for dinner?

George!

George, this is
my real diary.

Would you like to hear
what I wrote in it
last night?

No, Weez... Yeah.

"March th.

"Tomorrow George and I
will be doing
our spring cleaning,

"going through the closet
filled with old things
from all our years together.

"It's got me thinking
about the past,
about how blessed I am

"to have lived such
a wonderful, full life

"with a thoughtful,
hardworking, loving man
like George.

"I am the luckiest
woman alive."

I'm a real
beautiful guy,
huh, Weez?

But you didn't
trust me, George.

When it came right down to it,
you didn't trust me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Weezy,
I just...went crazy!

I just wanted to see
what was in there.

I just love you so much,

I just want to know
everything about you.

I know.

But when people are close
like we are,

we have to have some privacy.

Can you understand
that now?

Yeah, you're right, Weez.

I mean, I should've known.

If there's anybody in world
I can trust, it's you.

Thank you, George.

And I'm sorry about
your gift.

Whatever it is,
I'll buy you a new one.

Uh, I don't think you can.

You see, I custom-framed
the price list

from the first
Jefferson Cleaners.

What!