07x15 - My Hero

[bunniefuu]

Well, we're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot of tryin'

Just to get up that hill

Now we're up
in the big leagues

Gettin' our turn at bat

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

We're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

There's got to be some movie
that neither of us has seen.

I'm glad Tom's out of town.

He'd want us to see
Outer Space Orgy With
the Love-Starved Cheerleaders.

Oh, why don't we see
something, uh,
a little more meaningful?

I'd like to see a movie
with a message.

Oh, here's one!

The Mysterious Island
of Dr. Whipped Cream.

Mmm.
Hey...

Okay, nobody leaves.

Ooh! George,
I'm glad you're home.

We were just
trying to pick out...

Look, Weezy, I don't care
what you got planned.

Forget about it.

Florence! Florence!
Yo, yo, get out here!

Hey, Florence!

Where is she?
George, what's going on?

Look, Weezy, something big,
something really big.
Really big!

Must be a documentary
on your mouth.

Oh...
What happened?

I'll tell you what's
happening. We're all going to
sit down to watch television.

Wait a minute, you called me
out of my shower
to sit down and watch TV?

Yeah!

I want my paycheck
right now.

How come?
Because I want to be
paid before I k*ll you.

Florence, would you be quiet
and just sit down there?

And just try not to
drip all over everybody.

Everybody sit down.
This better be good.

Look, this is better than
good. This is the most amazing
thing that ever happened.

Okay, ready?

Today, President Reagan,

in an astounding announcement
of great importance
to the entire free world...

Oh, who cares about that?
Went before the...

FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR:
And now from our
Apple Polisher file...

Another story of
people helping people
in the Big Apple.

Today, a local drycleaner
did his part to help
clean up the city.

A drycleaner?
Shh!

In a remarkable display
of courage and heroism,

he interrupted a mugging
and single-handedly
apprehended the culprit.

That man's name
is George Jefferson.

Here's our roving reporter,
Bill Sargent,
with the story.

Jane, it was the story
of David versus Goliath

and once again little David
won by a knockout.

Hey, bozo,
get out of here!

Mr. Jefferson,
you're on.

Oh, uh, hello, America!

You know, New Yorkers
have a reputation for
not getting involved.

But you proved
that cliche wrong.

You risked your life
to help a total stranger.

Why did you do it?

Well, I'm a hero!

Mr. Jefferson,
I'm impressed!

I mean, let's face it.
You're a very short man.

Yet you took on a mugger
who was much larger
and stronger than you.

Oh, he was a chump.
He was a jerk.

A pure idiot.

In fact, you'd be an idiot
too if you didn't visit one
of the Jefferson's Cleaners

because there's
seven locations
throughout the city.

One near you.
Uh, Mr. Jefferson...

Grape juice stains?
No problem.

Coffee stains?
No problem.

Ground in grease?
Thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

No problem!

This is Bill Sargent
saying...

Hey, Weezy, it's me!

Back to you, Jane...
LOUISE: George...

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,
that was terrific!

Oh, that was wonderful!
You really are
something, George!

You got that right!

How did all
that happen?

Well, let me
tell you...

Well, this
won't take long.

Look, y'all just sit there
wishing you were me.

Oh, Mr. J...
Bentley, I'm busy.

I just came to tell
you how much I admire you.

Come on in and
join the crowd, old buddy.

I just saw the report on TV.
Mr. J, you're a hero!

True. True.

Oh, George, I'm just dying
to hear how it happened!

Oh...

Well, okay,
if you insist...

Okay...

I was down there
checking on one of my

delivery trucks, you know?

And so, um...

I heard this scream,
you know, in the alley?

So, first I thought
somebody had seen

Florence without
her makeup on.

Then I realized that
this woman was being mugged.

So then I threw
all caution to the wind

and I leaped into
the alley like a hero.

And then I jumped
across the trash can,
ran behind the wooden cases,

and I was hiding behind
this wooden case
like this.

And all of the sudden
this big shadow was
looming over me.

And I looked up
and you know what I saw?

The mugger's kneecaps?

I saw the meanest,
most vicious man I have
ever seen in my life!

But weren't
you frightened?

Are you kidding?
I laugh in the face of death!

Ah!

And then what happened?
GEORGE: Well...

When I saw this old lady
who was helpless and
at his mercy,

I just became
like a wildcat.
Yeah.

So he swung at me
and I ducked, you know?

And then I jumped back
and I...

I start hitting him with a
flurry of my combinations,
you know? Look.

And this big ape,
he staggered

and fell to his knees, you
know, begging... Begging me,

"Please, mercy. Mercy!"
I gave him another shot.

Just before he passed out,
he said,

"Fellow, you are times
the man I am." That was it.

Oh, George, you really
are a hero.
Well.

Yes, you took on a vicious
criminal without even carrying
a w*apon!

Look, I was born
with the greatest
weapons I need.

Thunder and lightning.

And don't forget
heavy drizzle.

Oh, George,
I'm so proud of you.

Most people aren't willing
to get involved these days.

Yeah...
And criminals count on that.

That's right.
I was mugged twice.

And both times no one
lifted a finger to help me!

You know, Mrs. Willis, that
reminds me of something that
happened to my cousin Reggie.

He...
You know, I'm going back
to finish my shower.

And I want to tell you that
you really did good,

Mr. Jefferson.
Thanks, Florence.

And I believe what that
reporter said.
I agree with him.

That I'm a hero?
No, that you're
a very short man.

So anyway,
my cousin Reggie was...
You know, George,

I never thought
I'd be saying this.

But I wish there were
more people around like you.

So, all of which brings us
to my cousin Reggie...

He was living in this...

Hold on to that thought,
Bentley.

In fact, why don't you just

carry it over to your
apartment and drop it off.

Hello, Mr. Jefferson?

Yeah. What...

I'm Officer Barrett.
From the mugging today.

Oh, yeah!
The mugging cop.

Hey, come on in.
All right!

Hey, this is
my wife Louise.
How do you do?

And those are...

Well, they
ain't important.

Officer Barrett my husband
was just telling us
all about the mugging.

Yeah, they made me tell them.
You know, I'm a modest
kind of hero.

You've got a lot
to be proud of, Jefferson.

That guy you tangled
with is a real psychopath.

Oh, yeah?
We call him Larry the Loon.

Huh.
Larry the Loon?

Let's put it this way.
His summer address
is Bellevue.

Oh, he's
from out of town?

George, I can't believe
that you took on a crazy man
all by yourself.

Thunder and lightning, Helen,
thunder and lightning.

You know, Larry
threatened you all the way
to the station, Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, I'm scared!

Well, I'm glad that
doesn't bother you,

because the reason I stopped
by was to tell you that
Larry the Loon has escaped.

Oh, now I'm really scared!

He escaped?

What are you doing
up here wasting time?

Go find him! Arrest him!
sh**t him!

We're doing the
best we can.

But, look, we've got a
patrol car that'll circle the
building every now and then.

Every now and then?
Man!

Oh, that won't be
necessary, Officer,

Mr. J can handle himself.

Bentley...
Listen.

If Larry does break in
here and tries to k*ll you,

you just dial
our emergency number.

It'll probably be busy,
so just wait a few minutes
and a try again.

Have a nice day!

You know, Mr. J, I hope
that Larry the Loon
does try to k*ll you.

I mean, I'd love to see
his face when you whip out
old thunder and lightning.

Oh, Bentley, shut up.

Well, what's wrong, George?

I'm tired, I'm tired! Look,
this has been an exciting day.

So get out, okay?

Well, again,
good show, Mr. J.

Yes, George.

You're a brave man!

Thanks.

Oh, Weezy...
Oh, George,
what's the matter?

Larry the Loon got away!

Well, it's like
Mr. Bentley said,

Larry doesn't stand a chance
up against old
thunder and lightning.

George,

you look like
you're really worried!

I mean, you handled him
once, didn't you?

Well, sort of,
but, uh...

Not quite like
I told you before.

Not...
But you didn't use
old thunder?

No.

You didn't use
old lightning?

No.

Then what did you use?

An old banana peel.

Huh?
Look, Weezy. Look.

Most of what I told you
before was true.

I did run into the alley
and I did jump across
the trash can, you see.

But I landed on
this banana peel
and I slipped,

and I slid, and
rolled into Larry,
knocked him down,

he fell over me, bumped
his head up against the wall,
and knocked himself out.

But everything else I told
you before that is true.

Oh, George!

Weezy, he's
going to k*ll me!

You should see this guy.
I mean, he's got "Hate"
written all over his face.

And tattooed
on both arms!

Look, the police
are after him.

I'm sure the only thing
on his mind is
getting out of town.

Oh...
I mean...

To come after you,
Larry the Loon will
have to be crazy!

Well...

Uh...
I mean, um...

Okay.

So he is crazy.
But...

He still doesn't
know where you live.

Oh...
Oh, yeah!

Ah, right.

That's good.

Hello? Yeah,
this is George Jefferson.
Who's this?

Larry who?
Oh!

It's him, Weez!
It's Larry the Loon!

Oh, here!
Oh...

Uh...
Oh, hello, Mr. Loon?

Look, uh, I hope you're
not the kind of person

to hold a grudge,
are you, old big fellow?

Huh?

But I need both of my knees!

Oh...

Okay, men.

I guess you
all know what
this interview is about.

One of you three will
be chosen to be
my personal bodyguard.

Now, the glory
of guarding me
should be enough.

But I'm willing to pay you
$ a week.

Plus all you can eat.

Okay, so let's get the show
on the road. Now...

What's your name?
Ed Lewis.

Ed Lewis. Okay.
I would like to know
a little bit about you, Ed.

Uh, what
are your hobbies?

Playing the harp
and bird watching.
So long, Ed.

Next, uh,
what's your name?

Steele. Jack Steele.

Hey, great name.

What's your hobby?
Target sh**ting
and weightlifting.

Ah...
I can bench press
a Buick.

Oh, all right.

Hey, uh...

Do you, uh,
like, uh, dogs and kids?

Sure, who doesn't?

The guy that I want
to hire for this job.

Hit the road, Jack.

You look
kind of runny.

But who am I to judge?

Okay, uh,
do you have a name?

Is that one of them
trick questions?

No.

No, I just asked
your name.

It's... It's Hugo.

Hugo Mojelewski.

Common spelling.

Oh, okay, Hugo.

Mmm. And what
are your hobbies?

I eat glass.

Oh...

Great man.

Okay, how about
dogs and little kids?

No, I don't eat them.

Okay, now I'm going to ask you
a real important question.

If it really got down to it,
would you k*ll a man?

Well, I guess if he made fun
of my name or something.

You're hired, Hugo.
Thanks. When do we eat?

Okay, soon, Hugo. Soon. Soon.

George, are
you going to stay home

from work again today?

Weez...
Oh, my!

Oh, no. Hugo, no!

That's my wife, Hugo!

Are you sure?

Take my
word for it.

Uh, look, Weezy,
this is Hugo,
my new bodyguard.

He's going to be
staying with us
for a couple of weeks.

Oh, really?

Ah!

Oh, uh, will you, uh,
excuse us a minute, Hugo?

Uh...

George, why did you
hire a bodyguard?

I've got to protect myself
from Larry the Loon.

Look, Weezy, don't
worry about it.
You'll get used to him.

But one thing, don't make
fun of his name. He hates it.

Hey, Hugo.
Uh, look.

If you've got any spare time
from guarding me, uh...

Feel free to
guard her body too.

That woman over there,
she's on her own.

Oh, here's your
sandwich mister...

Lord have mercy!

Florence, can you bring
my sandwich over here, please?

I'm starving.

Hold it! Wait a minute!
It could be poisoned.

Go ahead,
it's okay.

Okay.

Um, if you want to wash
that down, there's a fire hose
out there in the hall.

Mr. Jefferson,
what is that?

That is Hugo,

my bodyguard.
He likes it when
you make fun of his name.

Hey, Florence,
get the door.

No, you go.

Okay, I'll go.
No, Hugo, I'll go.

I mean, I'll get it.

Hello, Mrs. J.
Oh, hello...

Oh!

How do you do?

Hold on, Hugo,
easy, easy, easy.

Here you go, Bentley.
Oh, no, no, he's a friend.

Uh, Bentley,
this is my new bodyguard,
Hugo

GEORGE: Uh-huh.
Common spelling?

Yeah!

It's a pleasure to meet you.
Yeah, likewise.

Hey, uh...

Okay.

Hugo...

Take me to work.

Right, boss.

Hey, say, by the way,
what kind of work
do you do?

I'm a drycleaner.
Oh.

I ironed a guy once.
Oh, yeah?

I love this guy!

Uh...

Ain't you going
to get the phone?

Hello?

Oh! Oh, hello,
Officer Barrett.

You did?

Well,
that's wonderful!

Thursday?

Sure,
George will be there.

Oh, and thank you,
Officer. Goodbye!

Florence, guess what!

Hugo ate Mr. Jefferson.

No, that was
Officer Barrett.

Larry the Loon
is back in jail.

They caught him
in the park.

He was having an argument
with a statue.

Who won?

I wonder...

Well, George won't be
needing Hugo anymore.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was just getting used
to the way he says "Duh."

George, can I
talk to you over here?

Yeah, sure, Weezy.

Alone.
Oh, Hugo, stay.

Larry the Loon
is back in jail.

Ah! You're kidding.
And that's just great!

Uh, George, that means
you won't need...

...anymore.
Yeah, that's right!

So fire him, Weezy.

Oh, no, you don't.

You hired him,
you fire him.

Um...

Um, see, um...

I tell you what, look.

We'll throw a meatloaf
out in the hallway...

...and when he goes out
after it, we lock
the door behind him, okay?

Guess what.

You know that guy
I hired you to
protect me from?

Well the cops caught him.
He's back in jail.

So I don't need you no more.
Isn't that great?
Now you can go back home!

Aw, before dinner?

Yeah, but I'm going to
pay you for a job well done.

Let's see...

So I said I'd pay you
$ a week.

You worked five hours.
I owe you...

Five hundred bucks.

Yeah, that's what I figured,
bucks.
I'll send you a check.

No, take that with you.
You might get hungry
on the way home.

Thank you.

No, thank you for
five of the safest hours
of my life.

Oh, say, can I use
you on my resume?

Sure.
You know how to spell George?

I'll make up a name.

Oh...

Oh, at last.
Am I glad that
mess is over with!

Oh, me too! I can't even
wait until Thursday.

Yeah, me neither...
What's Thursday?

Well, that's when you
have to go to court to testify
against Larry the Loon.

What! Oh, no...

I ain't testifying
against no Larry the Loon.

Look, I already got
involved in that mugging
and that's enough.

No.
It isn't enough!

You have to follow through
and that means testifying.

Uh-uh. Not a chance.

George, if you could
just get one crazy man

off the streets, you'd really
be accomplishing something.

Okay, we'll lock up Bentley
and call it a day.

But, George, I don't...

Weezy, look, from now on,
my name is

George "Mind Your
Own Business" Jefferson.

Hi, Mr. Jefferson.
Hello, Mrs. Watson,
come in!

Louise, this is
Mrs. Watson,
the lady that got mugged.

This is my wife, Louise.

How do you do?
Nice to meet you.

I'm really sorry
about what happened.

Oh, how's your arm?
Oh, I'll be fine.

I just won't be
throwing a fastball for
a month or so, that's all.

Mr. Jefferson, they took me
to the hospital before
I could thank you properly.

You know, very few people
would have been
brave enough

to do
what you did.

Oh, I'm not brave,
Mrs. Watson,
really I'm not.

Oh, you are brave!

I know all about it.
This is the fourth
time I've been att*cked.

I'm a pro.

Four times?
I used to be able to
outrun 'em.

But I slowed up
in the last couple
of years.

No, not once did anyone
lift a hand to help me.

Oh, believe me,
Mr. Jefferson,

you're a hero!
A real hero.

Mmm...

You know, Mrs. Jefferson,
I used to be afraid
to leave my apartment.

I lost faith in people.

I really did.

But you proved
that there are decent people
left in the world.

People who care.

I've got to thank you for
keeping me from shutting
myself off from the world

just because
I was afraid.

Yeah, I know.
Nobody should have to
live like that.

Well, I've taken
enough of your time
I'd better go.

Oh, thanks a lot
for stopping by, Mrs. Watson.

Oh, I guess I'll be
seeing you in court
Thursday, right?

Court? Uh...

You bet! We're going to
lock that creep away,
aren't we?

Well, that's right!

I'll see you in
court Thursday.
Bye-bye.

Bye, Mrs. Jefferson.
Bye-bye. Bye!

Oh, George,
you did the right thing!

I know you're scared, but...

What? I ain't scared!
Didn't you hear what
the lady said? I'm a hero!

sh**t, I ain't
scared of nobody.

Oh, that's my George.

sh**t. Scared?
Shucks.

Hey, Ralph, look. There's this
great big humongous dude

who's headed down there

with a crushed calculator,
or something.
Oh, he's there now?

Good, well, look.

Tell him he's invited
here Thursday for breakfast.

Good.