07x01 - Marathon Men

[bunniefuu]

Well, we're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot of tryin'

Just to get up that hill

Now we're up
in the big leagues

Gettin' our turn at bat

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

Well, we're movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

Movin' on up
Movin' on up

To the East Side
Movin' on up

We finally got
a piece of the pie

C'mon, Willis,
throw the dice.

You're running up
on my hotels, now.

Face death like a man.

It's only
a Monopoly game.

Oh, he can't
help it, Louise.

Even play money
makes him drool.

Come on, baby.
Daddy needs a new
pair of shoes.

Eleven.

One, two, three,
four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven.

You skipped over
all my hotels!

The accommodations
didn't appeal to me.

Okay, go ahead
and laugh, Willis.

But you can't hide cut at the
B & O Railroad forever.

Ha!

You're gonna land
on Boardwalk!

You're wiped out George.
I win! I win!

Burn this.

Don't you want to stomp
on it first?

Oh, is the game
over?

Who won?
Who cares?
It's only a game.

Congratulations, Mr. Willis.

Hi, Mom, Pop,
Mom, Pop. Florence.

ALL: Hi, Lionel

I just ran over to
get that cookbook
you said you'd loan Jenny.

You ran all the way
over here
for a cookbook?

After the meal Jenny
made last night,
no distance is too far.

I'll see If I can
find the book for you.

That shouldn't be hard.

It's the only
thing in the kitchen
you haven't burned.

Come to think of it,
it might be in
the bathroom.

Bathroom?

Yeah, it could be one
of the books

Mr. Jefferson stands on
to reach the sink.

Well...

Jenny tells me that
you've signed up for
next week's marathon.

Yeah.
Marathon?

You're gonna be
answering the telephones
for Jerry Lewis?

That's a telethon, George.

Yeah, Pop, see a marathon
is a mile race.

What? You're going
to run miles?

Are you crazy?

Huh? Do you
know how far
miles is?

That's about twice
around Willis.

Here you
go, Lionel.
Thanks, Florence.

See ya, everybody.
Gotta run.

Can't you stay awhile?

No. Every runner in
New York comes
out about now.

If I don't get going,
it'll be Adidas to Adidas
all the way home.

Bye.
Bye bye, Lionel.

Lionel has the right idea.
Running is a terrific sport.

How would you know?

I've done my share of it.
I was on the track team
in college.

Oh? What were you,
one of the high hurdles?

George, Tom used
to be in great shape.

What do you mean,
used to be.
I still am.

You ran out of
breath going
around the Monopoly Board.

Oh yeah?
Well, at least my legs don't
look like they belong

in a bucket at
Colonel Sanders'!

My legs could outrun those
logs of yours any day.

Could not.
Could too.

Couldn't.
Could.

Couldn't. Couldn't.
Couldn't.
All right, let's prove it.

We'll go out in the hallway
right now, I'll race you down
the hallway.

That's hardly a test of
endurance.

Hew about down the
hallway and back?

Better than that.
We'll race
around the block.

Unless you're
afraid to sweat.

I'm not afraid of anything!

Let's go to
Central Park and
I'll race you

around the reservoir
a few times.

Okay, look,
you're such a hotshot,

we'll race in that thing next
week with Jerry Lewis!

You're on. You've got
yourself a race.
All right.

Are you kidding?
Neither one of you guys
can run miles.

Look, I won't have to.
Whoever runs the
farthest wins.

With the shape
he's in, I only gotta
run yards.

Oh, yeah!
C'mon, Helen, I've got
some training to do.

Chicken legs!
Hippo hips!

I can't wait.
I'm gonna k*ll him.

I'm gonna leave
him in the dust.

Just make sure you
leave your will
where I can find it.

Look, Weez, don't
worry about me.

Worry about the spectators.

Why?

Because when Willis collapses,
who knows how many

innocent bystanders are
gonna be crushed to death?

Oh, George.

Well, so long,
George. We're off
to the Help Center.

That must be some training
diet you're on, George.

Shouldn't you
be working out?

I am working out.
I'm eating
Florence's cake.

Lifting it is like
pumping iron.

Here's your
whipped cream.

Uh, Florence, George is
gonna run in that
marathon soon.

Whipped cream and cake
won't help him.

I know.

I have a bet on Mr. Willis.

What, you bet on Willis?

Knowing that
I'm a natural athlete?

Knowing that
I have been blessed with
the reflexes of a cat?

Knowing that I never give
up, you bet on Willis?

Everything I own.

George, Helen says that Tom
is serious about this race.

He's even rented
equipment

to help get
himself in shape.

He ain't gotta rent no
equipment.

All he's gotta do is tie a
stick to his head and

put a Twinkie on the
front of it.

Laugh if you want to,
George,

but Tom's even put
himself on a special diet.

Ooh, I'm scared.
I'm gonna go
out and buy some boots

so I can shake
in 'em. Hah.

I'll show you how
scared I am.

George would win with
ease if his feet ran
like his mouth.

Here you go.

I think I can.
I think I can.
I think I can.

Oh, thank goodness.

Hey!
Oh! George!

I didn't expect to see
you 'til the race.

Yeah well, you know,
I figured I'd just
run upstairs

and see how you're doing.

Don't mind me.
I'll Just eat this cake.

Don't do this, George.

What? I'll just watch you
work out

while I eat this rich
delicious cake

with three
layers of thick frosting.

This is really low.

See how the fork just
glides through it.

And the way the
chocolate glistens
with beads of moisture.

Go ahead, Willis,
suck it down.

No! I won't be tempted.

I do need energy, though.

I think I'll have a
tall cool glass
of raw eggs.

This cake's got eggs in it.

George, why don't you stop
trying to sabotage me,

and start getting
into shape?

I don't have to get
in shape.
I am in shape.

Oh.

Look at you.

This whole thing,
this is baby play.

C'mon, Pop,
you can do it man,

c'mon Just a little
bit farther.
You can make it.

All right.
Hey.

George, are you all right?

Yeah, Never felt better.
This running's terrific.

Oh!

What are you looking at?
The agony of defeat.

Isn't there something
you should be doing?

Mmm-hmm. I should be
down at the bank

borrowing some more money
to bet on Mr. Willis.

George, are you sure
you're all right?

Yeah, Weezy.

Why do you keep asking?

Well, George, when I hear
a man shriek in agony,

I usually feel
he's in pain.

Oh, see,
that's your trouble, Weezy,

you're always jumping
to conclusions.

Lionel, will you tell your
father that he's going

overboard trying to
beat Tom Willis.

Pop, you're going overboard
trying to beat Tom Willis.

Listen to
your son, George.

Lionel, tell your mother
she should be glad

I'm taking an interest
in physical fitness.

Mom, you should be glad
he's taking an interest
in physical fitness.

Listen to
your son, Weez.

Look, I gotta go.
I want to get in a few more
hours of running,

so I can
build up my appetite.

Jenny's trying out
one of them
new recipes tonight,

and it'll
help if I'm starving.

No need to walk me
to the door, Pop.

Bye.

So long, Lionel.

George. you're acting
like a child.

If you had any sense,

you'd get together
with Tom and call
this thing off.

Neither one of you
is in shape.

Huh...

Yeah, maybe you're right,
Weezy.

I mean,
I'm in shape, I'm a
running machine.

But I should be thinking
about poor Willis.

I mean, he's probably got
aches and pains
all over that wide load.

Yeah.

In the interest of his
health, maybe
I'll let him off the hook.

Do you mean that?
Sure.

If Tom agrees to drop
out, you'll cancel
this whole thing?

I don't want to be
known as "George,
the Widowmaker."

That's wonderful!

I'm going to tell Helen.
Oh, George,

you're doing the right thing,
and I'm so proud of you.

Even my face hurts.

Hi, Helen.

Hi, Louise. Welcome
to Jack LaLanne's.

Boy, Tom really
went to town.

No, he went to bed.
He's In pain.

So Is George.

You know, Louise, this thing's
really gotten out of hand.

Well, I have good news.
I spoke to George,

and If It's okay with Tom,
he's willing to call the
race off.

Oh, Louise, that's wonderful!
I'm sure Tom will agree.

I hope so. I've really
been worried
about this race.

So have I...

Why do
men have to be
so competitive?

I don't know.

But can you picture
Tom and George
trying to run miles?

Not without laughing.

That would've
been some sight.

Yes, especially George.

What do you mean,
"Especially George" ?

Well, George is not
in the greatest shape.

That's true.

But neither's Tom.

Well, you're right.

But Tom has had
athletic training,

and George hasn't.

But you'd never know that,
by looking at Tom now.

Well I don't exactly remember
seeing muscles

sprouting on George's
scrawny little body.

Yeah, well at least my husband
doesn't have his clothes made
by Good Year.

Well, thank goodness Tom
doesn't have skinny little
legs, like George.

You could pick your
teeth with those sticks.

Yeah,

well at least when
my husband
goes to the beach,

he doesn't have to cover
his harpoon scars.

Well it is too bad that George
weaseled out of the race,

because Tom
would have creamed him.

Only if he sat on him.

Well, I guess we'll never
know, will we?

Oh, yes we will.

'Cause George
is running Sunday.

You just make sure you
tow your husband there.

What do you want?

Didn't Weezy tell you
the good news?

I'm letting the Great
White Dope drop
out of the race.

I just came up to
let him thank me personally.

George,
the race is on.

What?
But Weezy...

Shut up this
doesn't concern you.

See those legs?

Oh yeah?
You get Tom out here.

Thar she blows!

Move it, George!
You've got work to do!

I ain't got...
Oh yes you do.

And forget the elevator!
You're taking the stairs.

Pick 'em up, George.
Hut two three four
hut two three four.

Come in, Ralph,
it's open!

Come on in, Ralph,
the door's open!

It's open!

The door is open.

Excuse me, sir,
did you say the
door was open?

Get in here!
Where you been?

You were supposed to
be here an hour ago.

Oh, sir, you don't know
the trouble I had

to go through
to get this map.

The phone calls I had
to make,
the places I had to go.

Never mind. Just show
me the map.

Yes, sir.

Look, don't, worry about it.

Florence is off,
and Weezy's at
the Help Center.

That's very good, sir.
Now, Okay.

This is a map
of Central Park.

The red line is the
route of the race.
Uh-huh.

Right there is the
starting point.

Okay, this is exactly
what we're going
to do, okay?

As soon as the race starts,
I'll sprint ahead and run
about a mile,

then duck into these bushes
where you'll be hiding.

Bushes? Uh, sir, there
may be poison ivy.

It makes me break out
something awful.

Did I tell you you're
getting a hundred
dollars for this?

I'll buy some lotion.

Okay, once I get into the
bushes we'll cut across
this trail.

Out to this road right here,

where you'll
have a cab waiting.

We'll get in the
cab then
we'll go to lunch.

At Grimaldi's restaurant,
here, okay?

Okay, now.

After dessert and
a good cigar,

we'll k*ll some time
at this store right here.

'Cause I could use
a couple of new suits.

Uh, sir? I can't help
but noticing how close
we'll be to Radio City.

You want to see
The Rockettes?

I love those women.

This is a race, Ralph.
Take it seriously.

Okay, after I pay for
the suits,

we'll jump in another cab
and we'll go to this point
right here,

which is just short
of the finish line.

Then, I'll sprint across
real quick and wait for

Willis is carried on
on a stretcher.

Oh, sir, that's a great
plan. I feel
like a spy.

Look, don't blab
about this to nobody.

I don't want Willis
finding out about it.

Oh, he won't learn
a thing from me, sir.

No, sir. He can thr*aten
me, beat me,

stick bamboo splints
under my fingernails,

but all he'll get from
me is my name,
rank and union card number.

I'm a rock, sir.
Go ahead, Ralph.

Hi, George. Oh, hi, Ralph.

Ralph Hart,
doorman, union card
number - - - .

Uh, Weezy, what are
you doing here?

I thought you were going to
be at the Help Center?

I was, but I couldn't
stand listening
to Helen any more.

Whenever anyone
walked through the door,

she'd start
bragging about Tom.

I couldn't get a
word in edgewise about you.

What's behind your back?
Huh?

Oh, this is Ralph's.

Eat this!

Ralph, isn't that a map?

Ralph Hart, doorman,
union card number
- - - .

Yes, it's a map, Weezy.

Look, Ralph's vacation
is coming up and I
was giving him some

advice on where
to spend it.

But this looks like
a map of Central Park.

Times are hard for
poor Ralph.

Here, Ralph, maybe next year
it'll be Yellowstone Park.

Okay, bye.
Hold it, you two.

George, this is a map
of the marathon route.

He made me do it!

I didn't want to
help him cheat
on the race.

I'm just a pawn.

Ignore him, Weezy.
He's just delirious
because

he Just lost a hundred
dollar tip.

I'm sorry, sir.
She forced it out of me.

George, I don't understand...

Hey, Weezy, what a great dress
I love it, it's so, green.

George, I'm ashamed of you.

You were going
to cheat in this race.

So what?

So I believed you when
you told me
you could out run Tom.

I can.

Then do it. but promise
me you'll do
it fair and square.

Fair and square?

Yes, promise me you won't
leave the course.

Okay, Weezy, I promise.

I promise I won't
leave the course.

Oh, thank you, George.

Ralph, look, I just came
up with plan B.

Stop your cryin' Ralph.
You'll get your
hundred dollars!

Just listen!

Well, I guess
that's everybody.

I won!
No, I won!

This race
isn't over yet, George.

Psst.

What was that?

How the hell
should I know?

Psst, psst.

Willis, you idiot,
I think you sat
on a snake!

Mr. Jefferson,
it's me, Ralph.

Ralph, what are you
doing here?
Can't you do nothing right?

You were supposed
you to meet me back
at the one mile point.

But, sir, this is the
one mile point!

Oh, Lord.
Did you bring the stuff?

Yes sir, right here.

Give me that.

Hey, that's oxygen.

Go to sleep, Willis.
You're dreaming.

Oh, no, I'm not!
You can't use that.
That's cheating.

Give me some.
Get your own.

Sir, you knew you'll never
believe the trouble

I went through to
get this thing.

Please,
Ralph, not now.

Oh, sir, it's a lot
heavier than it looks

and I'm net
as young as
I used to be.

Why don't I give you
something
for your trouble?

If you insist.

Okay, give me that oxygen.

When we get back
home, I'll give you $ .

Twenty five dollars!
Oh, thank you, sir.
You're very generous, sir.

I'll give you !

.

Gentlemen, I have $ .
Do I hear a hundred?

A hundred.
One fifty.

One seventy five.
Two!

Two hundred dollars!
Oh, wow!

Sorry.
Thank you again, sir.

If you need anything else,
I'll be at Radio City.

Hey, gimme that!
You'll suck all
the air out of it.

Well. Here we go again.

May the
best man win.

Yeah, I will.

Okay, get ready,
get set, go!

Cramp! Cramp!

Blister! Blister!

George!
Tom!

Weezy, what are
you doing here?

What are you doing
down there?

Oh, Weezy, I got real
bad cramps in my
legs. Real bad cramps.

Well, start running
and they'll go away.

This is your chance, Tom.

Get up.

I can't dear.
I have blisters.

Stop whining,
you big baby.

C'mon, George.
Start running.

I can't run.
Then crawl,
George, crawl!

Roll,
Tom, roll!

C'mon,
George!

Faster, Tom!

Get off me.
I can't.

Don't stop now.
You were ahead.

You were gaining on him.

I can't breathe.

George, I'm through.

Willis, I'm pulp.

You can't quit now.

George, the family
pride depends on
this race.

I got cramps in my
family pride.

Here, you race!

Here, Helen. Stick it!

You think the girls will
be okay?

Sure, running
is good for you.

No sense in hanging
around here.

What do you say we go
get a bite to eat?

Sounds good to me.

I thought it would.