04x17 - The Drum Major

[bunniefuu]

Aww, Shucks.

Whooo-Hoo-Hoo!

Oh, My Goodness.

Dad, I'm Telling You,
This Is Going To Be

The Best Cliff's Ding-Dong,
Eight-Alarm Chili

Ever Tasted
On The Face Of This Earth.

Why Does It Take You
Three Days To Make That Chili?

If You Tasted This
The First Day, You'd Say,

"What Can Did This
Come Out Of?"

If You Tasted It On
The Second Day, You'd Say,

"Oh, My Goodness, Somebody's
Grandmother Got Off Her Chair

And Just Took This
To The Mountain."

But The Third Day...

Wow, Ha, Ha, Ha.

The Third Day, You Don't
Even Have To Taste It.

You Just Walk By The Pot
And Someone Says;

"Hey, Come Here."

Sounds Delicious.

It Is, It Is.

Yeah.

All I Have To Do Is Add The Rest
Of These Herbs And Spices.

Hey, Hey, Hey,
Now This Truly Is Unbelievable.

What's That?

Guess Who's Playing

At The Gaslight Club
In The Village?

Slim Claxton And His Trio.

You Mean That Man Who Played
The Xylophone, Wrote The Song

"Baby, Don't Step On My Face
'Cause Your Shoes Got Nails"?

That's Right.

Yeah, Yeah.

He Also Did

"Don't Bring Home A Chicken
When You Promised Me A Steak."

♪ Don't Bring Home A Chicken ♪

♪ If You Promised Me A Steak ♪

Yeah, That's Right.

I Met Slim Years Ago
In New Orleans.

You're Kidding.

I Try To See Him
Whenever He's In Town.

I Still Owe Him Money.

Whenever I Try To Pay Him Back,
He Refuses.

I'm Going To
Get Him This Time.

I'll Call The Gaslight Club And
See If Slim Is Down There Today.

♪ Don't Bring Home A Chicken
If You Promised Me A Steak ♪

♪ Don't Bring Home A Chicken
If You Promised Me A Steak ♪

( Whistle Blowing )

Hi, Vanessa.

Hi, Kenny.

What Are You Doing?

Practicing To Be A Drum Major.
There's A Trial At School Tomorrow.

You Can't Be
A Drum Major.

Why Not?

Drum Majors Are Boys.

Who Says?

I've Never Seen
A Girl Drum Major.

You're Fibbing.

No, He Isn't.

Most Drum Majors Are Boys.

Ha, Ha, I Was Right.

Burned You Bad.

However, Some Girls
Got Together At School

And We Decided To Try Out.

Since There Has Never Been
A Girl Drum Major At Our School

We Have To Be Great
To Get Chosen.

You Girls Shouldn't
Be Doing This.

Why Not?

My Brother Says

A Man Doesn't Want To See
A Woman Doing A Man's Job

Unless She's Wearing
A Bathing Suit.

I'll Go Out For Drum Major
And Get It.

That Band Will Be E E E Ing
My Sister Down The Field, Bud.

Thank You, Rudy.

Would You Help Me Practice?

Sure.

I'd Ask You To Help,
But A Man Can't Do This.

Hold My Cassette Recorder

And Make Sure
No Matter Where I'm Marching

You've Got It
Pointed At Me.

( Marching Music )

Let's Hear It
For The Band.

Ah, Hon, Pardon Me,
One Second.

I Just...

I Don't Mean To Take
Anything Away From You

But We Had A Fellow
Named Peter Poindexter.

He Was Six-Foot-Four.

And Peter Poindexter
Used To Come Out And:

♪ Da Da Di Di Di Da Boom ♪

♪ Di Di Di Boom Di Doom Doom ♪

♪ Di Di Di Doom Doom ♪

Peter Also Had That
Double Step Back To The Side.

♪ Di Di Di Di Boom ♪

♪ Di Di Di Bom Pa ♪

♪ Wooja Da Da ♪

I'm Telling You,
He Was Mean.

I'm Sorry, Son.

Peter Poindexter
Was Good

But He Was A Sad Imitation
Of The Greatest Drum Major

Ever To Strut
Across A Football Field.

I'm Talking About
Tall Walter Lomax--

A Six-Foot, Eight-Inch...

Six-Foot, Eight-Inch?

...Who At Homecoming Game
Of

Gave Birth To
The World Famous Triple Dip.

♪ Alafasa Sa-Sa-Sa ♪

♪ Alafasa Sa-Sa-Sa ♪

♪ Alafasa Sa-Sa-Sa ♪

But Peter Poindexter--

I Forgot,
My Mind Fails Me Sometimes--

Was Actually ' ".

What He Did

One Day At Half Time Was

He Came Out...

♪ Di Di Di Boom Boom ♪

♪ Zhoo! ♪

...Threw Both Batons
Up Into The Air

Sang The Star-Spangled Banner

Caught The Baton
In The Right Hand

On "The Home Of The Brave"

And The Other Hand On
"The Land Of The Free"

Because He
Sang It Backwards.

I'm Afraid That Is Amateur Hour
Compared With Tall Walter.

At Half Time
Of A Game

Tall Walker, Who, As I Recall,
Was At Least Seven-Foot-One...

...Led The Band
Out Onto The Field

With Long Strides That
Took Up Ten Yards At A Clip.

Ten Yards To A Stride?

That's Right.

When He Hit Midfield

He Cut A Charleston Step

And Threw His Baton
Way Up In The Air.

Just When Everybody Was Waiting
For The Baton To Come Down

Walter Led The Band
Off The Field.

He Let The Baton
Fall On The Ground?

No.

A Week Later,

Tall Walter Led The Band
Out Onto The Same Field

And The Baton That He Threw
Up In The Air Seven Days Ago

Came Right Down
In His Hand.

Grandpa, Is That A True Story?

If I'm Lying, May I Be Hit
By A Falling Baton.

Hey, I Ain't Bad!

Who Would Pay $ .
To Hear That?

Who's Out There Heckling Me?

Do You Remember A Rainy Night
In At The Club L'amour?

Oh, My Goodness,
If It Ain't Old Slide!

How You Doing, Slide?

You Look Good.

It's Been Too Long.

Slim, This Is
My Son Heathcliff.

How You Doing,
Heathcliff?

I've Heard A Lot About You.

Whatever You've Heard

Just Multiply It By ,
Divide It By

And Then Ignore It.

A Polite Person Would
Invite Us To Sit.

I'll See If I Can
Find A Polite Person.

Hey, Y'all,
Come On, Sit Down.

Y'all Want
A Cup Of Coffee?

You Still Drinking That
Special Coffee Of Yours?

Don't You Know It?

Then I Think I'll Pass.

What About You,
Heathcliff?

I'll Have A Little.

I'll Pour You
Out A Little.

You're Really
Going To Like This.

Thank You.

Whoa!

How Do You
Like It?

I Can't Get To It.

You Could Get Arrested For That.

Ain't Gonna Bother Me.

Is Claude Powers
Still In Your Trio?

Claude Powers?

He's Been Dead Ten Years.

No.

How About Freddy Collins?

He's Dead.

Did You Ever Hear Anything
About Choo-Choo Wallace?

Yeah, He's Dead, Too.

What About Skip Logan?

Dead.

How About The Tannen Brothers?

Dead, Dead And Dead.

But There Were Four Of Them.

I Know It--He's Dead, Too.

You Know, Slim, I've Been
Reading About You For Years.

You're Out There On Tour,
Playing Your Music

Going Strong.

I'm Proud Of You.

That's A Fine Compliment
Coming From A Man

Who Plays
The Horn

Sweeter Than Gabriel.

I'm Retired Now.

If I Had
Your Money

I'd Retire, Too.

No, I Never Made
That Much Money.

Nobody Said You Made Money.

They Said You Never

Let Go Of It.

If I Am So Tight,
Why Am I About To Hand You

A $ Bill?

You Remember
I Owe You This Money?

I Sure Do--

To Buy Anna Her Wedding Ring.

I Never Told You This,
But Years Ago

I Played A Club,
And The Owner

Stiffed The Band
For A Week's Salary.

I Had No Money To Buy
Your Mother A Ring.

Slim Heard It

Came Over To The Hotel
To Offer His Condolences.

When He Left

I Found A $ Bill
In My Coat Pocket.

And This Time, You Are Going
To Take The Money.

Ain't No Way
I'll Take That Money.

I Insist.

You Might Insist

But I'll Resist.

Why Won't You Take It?

'Cause I'd Be Cursed.

You Remember That Old
Hatchet-Faced Lady In Louisiana

Who Told
All Those Fortunes?

You Mean Madame Carla?

That's Right.

She Said If I Went Out
And Gave People Money

I'd Have Good Fortune
My Whole Life.

Ever Since I Gave That Little
Money To You And Your Wife

I Ain't Had Nothing
But The Best Of Luck

And I'm Knocking On Wood.

sh**t, That Ain't Wood.

It's Famildahide.

Yeah, But You Don't Seem
To Understand, Slim.

When I Borrow Money

I Always Pay It Back.

You Give It To Your Son.

He Looks Like
He Can Use It.

My Son's A Doctor.

You A Doctor?!

How About Lending Me
$ , Dollars?

No, But I'll Tell You What.

You Can Join
My Father And Me On Friday.

I Cooked Some Special Hot Chili.

I Got Four Shows Friday.

That's A Big Day.

How Early Should We Eat?

Let's Say : , A.O.C.

All Right.
Bring Your Special Coffee.

You Know It!

We'll Talk Loud
And Draw A Crowd!

I Hear Ya.

Thank You.

Hey, Vanessa,
How Was The Tryout?

Wait, Vanessa,
Come On.

You've Got To
Tell Me About This.

I Am So Mad,
I Could Hit Somebody.

Oww!

What Was That For?

Because You're A Guy.

What's Wrong With You?

They Didn't Pick Me
For Drum Major.

I Was Robbed
Royally.

Why Are You
Hitting Me?

Because Three Of The Four Judges
On The Committee Were Guys.

Those Guys Picked Another Guy
To Be Drum Major

Even Though He Dropped
The Baton Twice.

Amy Was Looking At Me
The Whole Time.

Get Out!

She Was Looking
Over You At Me.

In Your Dreams.

Yo, What's Up?

What Are You
Doing Here So Late?

Wrestling Practice.

You Guys Went Out
For Drum Major?

Are You Serious?

We Were The Judges.

You Guys Were Judges?

They Picked Judges
From The Band.

How Did The Tryouts Go?

Pretty Good.

You See Vanessa?

You Know It.

Your Sister Is Looking Good.

Amy Dressler
Looking Even Better.

Did You See Those
Shorts She Had On?

I'd Stay An Extra Year In School
Just To Be Next To Her.

How Did My Sister Do?

Pretty Good,
I Guess.

Weren't You Paying Attention?

Sure, We Were
Paying Attention.

Everyone Got
A Fair Shot.

We Picked The Right Guy.

Sounds To Me Like No Matter
How Good The Girls Were

You Would Have Picked
A Guy Anyway.

You Catch On
Pretty Fast.

At Least We Let
The Girls Try Out.

Those Girls Should
Have Been Thanking Us.

You Know It.

Later, Theo.

Say Hi
To Vanessa.

Tell Her I Enjoyed
What She Did.

You Are Now Ready, My Sweet.

Ready Now

For The Hottest Chili Peppers
On The Face Of This Earth.

One... Argh!

Argh!

Ahhh!

More Chili!

Owww!

( Laughing Like
A Mad Scientist )

Ahhh!

Now To Stir It Up.

Daddy, Can You Help Me Get
The Encyclopedia Off The Shelf?

Are You Hiding A Note
From Your Teacher?

No, I'm Doing Homework.

Okay, As Soon As I
Finish With The Chili.

Can I Have A Taste?

I Just Put In Six Of The Hottest
Chili Peppers On This Earth

And Swirled It Around.

If They Don't Cook For Two Hours

When You Taste This,
Your Face Will Go

Umph!

Fire Will sh**t Out

And You'll Go Running.

You'll Say "Aaaaah!"

Flames Will sh**t Out,
And You'll Run To Peter's.

He'll Grab
The Fire Extinguisher

Foam Will Be All Over,
And He'll Put A Cherry On Top

And They'll Sell You
In The Drugstore.

Okay, I'll Wait.

Let's Go Find
That Encyclopetamin?

Encyclopedia!

You Say That
So Beautifully.

Say It Again.

Encyclopedia.

Ooh!

I Told You To Stay
Out Of My Chili!

Mom.

Yes?

Tell Me You're Proud Of Me.

I'm Proud Of You.

Now Let Me Tell You
Why You're Proud.

I Found Out Vanessa Did Not
Get Drum Major Yesterday

Because The Judges Planned
To Pick A Guy All Along.

So I Went

And Told The Principal.

And Tonight

Because Of Yours Truly,
Theodore Aloysius Huxtable

They're Having New Tryouts

And New Judges--
Two Guys And Two Girls.

Theo, I Am Very Proud.

Mom, This Is Unbelievable.

Mind-Boggling.

Beyond Tremendous.

Yes?

The Principal
Announced New Tryouts

For Drum Major.

No.

I Know How It Happened.

How?

Word Must Have Gotten Out

About How
Good I Was.

A Bunch Of Students

Forced The Principal
To Give Me Another Chance.

I'm Good, But I Didn't Know
I Was A Legend.

I'm Going Upstairs To Practice.

I Got To Tell You Something.

What?

Good Luck.

Thanks.

Oh, Theo?

I'm Sorry I Hit You.

It's Okay.

Theodore Huxtable, You
Are Beyond Tremendous.

Mom.

Yes?

You've Been
In Dad's Chili.

Do You Have Time To Stay
Before You Go To The Club?

Dad-Gum Right I Have, sh**t.

Hey, Doc!

Yes, Sir?

Know What I'd Like?

What?

A Stinky, Goat Rope Cigar.

You Seem To Enjoy
Yourself, Slim.

That's Because I Love Being Old.

You Don't Know

What You're Missing.

I Don't?

You Know
What They Say

About Women Living
Longer Than Men?

It Sure Is Right.

Let Me Tell You,
I'm Reaping That Harvest.

I Go To Them
Senior Citizen Dances

And Dance All Night
With Them Widows.

They Consider Me A Real Stud!

Never Did Get Married, Did You?

sh**t, I'm Still Sowing My Oats.

Well, Okay.

I Have To Mosey.

I Like To Get There Early
And Make Some Fresh Coffee.

I'll Get Your Coat.

Okay, Thank You.

I Got To Get My Thermos.

Quite A Guy, Your Friend Slim.

Quick, Give Me His Coat.

I'll Slip This $
I Owe Him Into His Pocket.

Wait A Minute.

You Heard What He Said
About The Curse.

Madame Carla Was The Biggest
Con Artist In New Orleans.

She Told Every Man
Who Came To Her

If He Gave Money To Someone
In Need, It Would Bring Luck.

Then One Of Her Shills Would
Go Up To That Man And Say:

"Hey, Buddy, I'm In Need."

Say No More.

I Want To Thank You
For A Wonderful Evening.

It's Been
Our Pleasure.

I Sure Do
Appreciate It.

I Want You To Remember

Tomorrow Night
At The Club

You'll Get The Best Seat
In The House.

Where?

Right In Back
Of That Pole.

We'll Be There.

Hi, Vanessa.

Hi, Everybody.

This Is My
Daughter Vanessa.

Hi, Vanessa.

Just Call Me Slim.

Nice To
Meet You.

Hi, Grandpa.

How Was The Tryout?

Terrible.

I Was Good, Dad, I Really Was.

But I Still Won't Be Drum Major.

Who Won?

A Girl Who Was Six-Foot-Three.

She Showed Up From Nowhere
And Wiped Out Everybody.

You Feel Mighty Bad,
Don't You, Sweetie?

I Sure Do.

I Have Something
You'll Really Like

And Your Grandpa
Would Like You

To Have It, Too.

Don't Go Spend It All
In One Place, You Hear?

A Hundred Dollars?!

For Your Piggy Bank.

Thank You So Much!

Oh, You Old Sucker!

Oh, You Sucker, You!