03x09 - La Locker Room Aux Folles

[bunniefuu]

[PLAYERS SHOUTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

You know, I didn't
wanna say it at the time

'cause I'm trying to be less
stuck in my f*cking ways...

But?

But I thought it was nuts to
change our entire philosophy

and style of play mid-season.

But?

But it's f*cking great.

You know, they're having
fun, we're having fun,

these folks are having fun.
It's a whole bunch of fun.

I haven't seen dudes have
this good a time on grass

since I saw the Grateful Dead jamming
with the Black Crowes and Phish.

Ooh. I bet that was a tight show.

Oh, it was a mess. But they had fun.

[PLAYERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- [PLAYER] Beautiful!
- [JAMIE] sh**t!

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING]

Whoo!

- Yeah! Yeah!
- [LAUGHING]

Whistle! Whistle!

That's half. Great job.

Whoo! You hear that? Roy
said y'all did a great job.

- [YELPS]
- [CHUCKLES]

- [PLAYERS LAUGHING, CHEERING]
- [ISAAC] Whoo!

Nice sh*t, mate.

[SIGHS]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[SNIFFS, SIGHS] Ay, Chihuahua.

I can't remember which pair is
clean and which one is dirty.

You bundle your dirty socks?

Just because they're dirty doesn't mean

they don't deserve to have a friend.

He's right. After all,
we're all mates with Richard.

[PLAYERS LAUGHING]

Ha! [CHUCKLES]

[JAN CHUCKLING]

[COLIN] Hey, boyo.

Do you wanna get a beer or
something later? Have a chat?

No.

[SNIFFING]

Ay, no. I chose the dirty socks.

Oops. [CHUCKLES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

So, have you heard from Jack yet?

You know how you're never ever
supposed to write another text

to an unanswered text?

[SCOFFS] Of course.

Oh, God. You sent a double text.

[GASPS] So much blue.

I know. [SIGHS]

It's like I got diarrhea
of the thumbs or something.

- Oh, come here. [CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTS]

- [KNOCKING]
- Uh-oh.

When girl talk turns into girl hug,

you know that either means
something horrible's happened

or absolutely nothing at all.

Jack's ghosting Keeley.

- [CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, no.
- Hmm.

First, she wants to go on a break,

and now the old digital Irish goodbye.

Mm-mmm-mmm.

Which is a term I
never really understood.

'Cause I got a buddy back
home named Seamus O'Malley,

and that son of a g*n hugs folks
goodbye for, like, minutes

before he leaves anywhere.

- Mmm.
- [TED] Yeah, sorry to hear about that.

Hey, I did make you some biscuits,
you know, just to soften the blow.

Oh, thanks, Ted.

Thank you.

What? [GASPS] There's
like quid in here.

I didn't know you were gonna
be here till this morning.

No time to do anything special,

so I just tossed a little cash in there.

That is very sweet. Thank you, Ted.

Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

Hey, boss. You mind if I skip
the press conference today?

Michelle and I got these parent-teacher
meetings I don't wanna miss.

- Of course, Ted. Family first.
- I appreciate it.

Ooh, we could have Roy do it.

I know he hates that stuff,
but he is really good at it.

I mean, you know, fine by me.

Great idea.

Look at you. Heartbroken, but
still kicking butt. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, I'm not heartbroken.
It's more like heart-bent.

Ooh, heart-bent. I like that.

It's a great title for a
country song. You know, like...

♪ I'm heart-bent in my apartment ♪

♪ 'Cause all that you
left was your fart scent ♪

- All right. Goodbye, Ted.
- [CHUCKLES]

- ♪ And now that you're gone ♪
- [REBECCA SCOFFS]

♪ I wrote this song ♪
♪ 'Cause all you left was ♪

♪ The smell of your farts ♪

- [EMPLOYEE] Coach Kent.
- Hey.

[KEELEY CHUCKLES]

Oh, speak of the devil.

- Okay.
- [KEELEY] Mmm.

- Keeley.
- Roy.

So, uh, I need you to fill in for Ted

at today's press
conference, if that's okay.

f*ck no.

I mean, why can't Ted do it?

I mean, I'd love to.

Wonderful.

- Shall we?
- Mmm.

f*ck.

I heard that.

[JADE] Delivery for Mr. Shelby.

It's Shelley.

Oh, my... I'm so sorry.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I brought you lunch.
Figured we'd have it here.

I'm surprised Derek
gave you the time off.

He said it was fine.

As long as I brought him back
something with a West Ham logo on it.

Well, I can do that. [LAUGHS]

Um. Um, how about...

Oh, there you go. Mouse pad.

Uh... [STRAINING] ...
and he can have a scarf.

- Ooh. [LAUGHING] So sorry. There you go.
- [CHUCKLES]

Um, the... And there. That's the,
uh... the official, um, pro...

And actually, uh, you
know... Just don't have that.

I only need one.

Oh. Well, you know, just keep
them for next time. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, dang.

You got to his afternoon
kiss before I did.

Rupert, hello. Um...

Okay. So, Jade, uh,
this is Rupert, my boss.

And, Rupert, this is
Jade, my girlfriend.

Well, hello there.

- Hello. [CHUCKLES]
- It's worthwhile to meet you.

Jade. What a beautiful name.

Thank you. It's
actually short for Jaded.

My mother named me
after her favorite aunt.

But I don't care.

Hold on. I-I like to
consider myself a bit of a...

an amateur dialectologist.

You are from the south of Poland, right?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes, I'm from Nowy Sącz.

Oh, would you look at that smile.

Yeah, Jade, if this young
man wasn't so brilliant,

I'd say that you are out of his league.

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm. What's that smell?

Oh. Um, Jade, uh,
surprised me with lunch.

It's from the Taste of
Athens. It's my favorite place.

Ah.

I'm a hostess there.

Which is why it's his
favorite place, I would say.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [RUPERT] Yeah.

Well, wonderful to meet you, Jade.

[NATHAN CHUCKLES]

And, Nate, mate,

don't screw this up.

No. [CHUCKLES]

Bye, Rupert. [CHUCKLES]

He seems very wealthy.
But also nice-like.

Yeah, no, he is. He's... [STAMMERS]
He's actually really decent.

Mmm.

Uh, I owe him a lot. So... [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Right.

It's so kind of you
doing this, you know.

Pardon the interruption, Rebecca.

Um, did you know that Ted wasn't
doing his press conference today?

Uh, yes. I asked Roy to fill in.

Ah. That explains it.

Is there a problem?

Um...

That is not what I said, Gary!

I have your quote right here!

You did say it, Coach.

- [COACH BEARD] Stay out of this, Lloyd!
- [SARAH] Don't shout at Lloyd.

You said, and I quote,

"Joe Walsh is a better
guitarist than Jimmy Page."

- That's what you said.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Fine! I said it!

But what I meant was that
Joe Walsh, underrated.

Jimmy Page, overrated!

- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- I mean, Joe Walsh is a poet.

Jimmy Page is... [STAMMERS]

... a f*cking court
stenographer on Adderall.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Are you out of your mind? Page
could b*at Walsh with one string.

What do you mean b*at him?
It's not a competition, man!

It's art, you f*cking Neanderthal!

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

- [HIGGINS] Okay.
- Hello!

- Okay, okay. I think this is over. Yeah.
- You're suspect!

- Me?
- Yeah, you!

Hello! Hello! I...

"Stairway to Heaven" is a glorified

fingering exercise, and you all know it!

[CHUCKLES] So much passion.

I... I can't think of the last time

I was able to be here with all
you absolutely... [STAMMERS]

... just brilliant members of the
press down here in the pressroom.

So with that in mind, I would
love to take some questions.

Come on, absolutely ask me anything.

- Yes, yes.
- Uh, Marcus Adebayo, The Independent.

- Hello there, Marcus. How are you?
- Very well.

- Good, good. Yes?
- Miss Welton,

in your opinion, who's the greatest
classic rock guitarist of all time?

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Great question.

Ooh.

Uh... [STAMMERS]

- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[SHUDDERS] Sorry about that.

- [CHUCKLES] "The guy from Cream."
- Yes, all right!

Don't start with me, Leslie!
I... [INHALES DEEPLY] I panicked.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] I'm
gonna m*rder Roy Kent.

Oh, look, Roy not doing
press is just Roy being Roy.

Oh, yes. Well, I am
sick of Roy being Roy.

Mmm. Mmm.

So, it's time for Rebecca to be Rebecca.

Oh, yes. Absolutely. I couldn't...

Ooh. Yeah. There you go.

Yes! Ooh! [IMITATES expl*si*n]

No, you get back down there.

Why? I already did my , easily.

Yeah. We don't start
counting until it hurts.

And that goes for all of you!

Oi! Kent!

Get your hairy arse into my office. Now!

- [PLAYERS MURMURING, CHUCKLING]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING, WHISTLING] Ooh!

Every single one of you
knows my arse isn't hairy.

Yet none of you spoke up.

And I will never forgive you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

He's right. We're cowards.

Now, if she was talking
about Richard's butt...

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

[MUMBLING, BLOWING KISSES]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

So, are folks still dissecting
frogs in science class these days

or is it all just talking
about the frog's feelings now?

[TEACHER] Honestly? Both.

[MICHELLE] Ms. Ledbetter, is
there anything Henry can be doing

to bring up his grade in your class?

Coach, can I...

- Yeah, besides helium.
- [MS. LEDBETTER CHUCKLES]

Isaac knows.

That Ted's son is failing science?

Scandal.

- How did he react?
- Not good.

He won't talk to me.

Give him a minute.

You shouldn't have to,
but some people need it.

Don't forget, you've known
you were gay for years.

Much longer than that.

Once I was out of my
mum, I never looked back.

[SWALLOWS]

[SIGHING] But I hear you. Thanks, Trent.

Mmm.

Yeah. Hey, but you know
what my favorite thing

was about Sir Isaac Newton?

He was so down to Earth. [CHUCKLES]

- [MS. LEDBETTER CHUCKLES]
- [MICHELLE] Ted, we need to let her go.

- Yeah, we better go let Ledbetter go.
- [MS. LEDBETTER CHUCKLES]

What the f*ck is your problem?

Oh, wait, I know this one. You are!

If I ask you to do a press conference,
do the f*cking press conference.

Okay. sh*t. I'm sorry. I didn't
realize it was a big deal.

So you just didn't do it?

Is that the plan for
the rest of your life?

You're just gonna walk
away from everything

the second it isn't fun or easy?

[SIGHS]

What do you want, Roy? Hmm?

What do you really want?

I just want to be left alone.

Oh, bullshit, Roy! You
want way more than that!

You're just so convinced

that you don't deserve
anything good in your life,

that you'd rather eat
a bowl of sh*t soup

and then complain about the portions.

Get out of your own way, man.

'Cause this whole "woe is
me" thing you've got going on

is just f*cking ponderous.

Is that all?

Yeah, that's it.

For now.

[SIGHS]

How we looking for tomorrow?

Oh, um, yeah... [CHUCKLES] ... great.

Think we should play without a goalie.

You know, just to give 'em a chance.

I love it when you're cocky.

Oh, baklava.

Oh, yeah. Help y...

- Yeah.
- So lovely to meet Kate.

Oh, Jade. It's Jade.

Oh, yes. Of course. Jade. Yeah.

Well, she really enjoyed meeting you.

Nothing better than the love of a woman.

[CROWD SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Sitting up there but it's just
a little bit... We'll get a drink.

Yo. Knock 'em dead, k*ller.

Well, I hope their kit man remembered
to bring body bags. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Hey, after the match,

let's go for a drink.
If you're up for it.

Yeah, that'd be great.
Shall I invite Jade?

No, I was thinking it was just the
two of us. You know, a guys' night.

Oh, yeah. [STAMMERS] That'd be
lovely. I mean... I mean, cool.

[RUPERT] Right, let's
go blow some bubbles.

[ARLO] Across town, West Ham are
hoping to stay top of the table

- against Southampton.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

While here at Nelson Road, the
red-hot Greyhounds face Brighton.

Color red tops off at
about centigrade, Arlo.

The way Richmond are playing,

a more accurate description
would be yellow-hot.

- [BAR PATRONS CHATTERING]
- Thank you for correcting me, Chris,

and next time feel free to
wait until we're off air.

What's this?

We're so full we ran out
of pint glasses. [CHUCKLES]

Bottoms up.

♪ Bringing in the money ♪ [CHUCKLES]

That tastes better.

[ARLO] The denizens of
the Dogtrack have seen

their Greyhounds race
up the table of late.

The air is filled with
an unfamiliar confidence

of another trip to the winners' circle.

- Leslie, did you just text me?
- I did.

- I'm sitting right here.
- I see that now.

Oh, it's Jack.

- She's saying that she's in Argentina...
- [SCOFFS]

... for the next couple of months.

Ouch.

Well, I think our break
is actually an "up."

So now that Jack is officially my ex,

please feel free to
say any of the things

that you didn't like about her.

- Well...
- Ooh.

Her handshake was way too firm.

You know... [GROANING]

I get it. You're friendly.
[CHUCKLES, MUTTERS]

Good riddance.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[THIERRY] All right,
yo. Let's do this, man.

Go get 'em, Captain.

Isaac.

All right, fellas, here we
go. Focus up. Focus up, y'all.

Coach, who we got today?

Brighton and Hove Albion.

Brighton, Hove and Albion. I didn't
know we were playing a law firm.

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

Okay, let's bring it in. Here we go!

[PLAYERS APPLAUDING, CLAMORING]

[TED] Go ahead, Captain. Count us off.

Richmond on C. A, B, C!

[ALL] Richmond!

[PLAYERS APPLAUDING, CLAMORING]

[ARLO] Brighton have
something going here,

until that heavy touch by Cooke.

Oh, no! A thoughtless poke by McAdoo

and a Richmond goal kick
becomes a Brighton corner.

- [CHRIS] McAdoo lost concentration there.
- [PATRONS GROANING]

[ARLO] An uncharacteristic
mistake from the captain.

Well done, McAdoo, you f*cking numpty!

[ARLO] Some of the Richmond fans

letting McAdoo have a
piece of their minds.

The corner comes in.

And the keeper collects.

Yes, Zoreaux. Yes, good take, man.

It's actually Van Damme.

[ARLO] Van Damme's been a
commanding presence, Chris.

[CHRIS] Just like in the movie Timecop,

where he does the splits twice.

Richmond with possession.

Hughes has the ball.
He's looking for space.

It's not there. He passes back to Maas.

No! Cooke steps in,
and Brighton are off.

[PLAYERS SHOUTING]

- [ARLO] And just like that...
- f*ck!

- ... Joey Miller puts Brighton up -nil.
- sh**t.

- [CROWD CLAMORING]
- Oh, for f*ck's sake! f*cking hell!

[ARLO] Is this the beginning of
the end of Richmond's hot streak?

- What the f*ck, bruv?
- What?

- Their f*cking goal's over there.
- Oh, right, yeah.

f*cking fix up. Don't
f*cking walk away from me.

- Relax.
- Their f*cking goal's over there.

[ARLO] McAdoo is furious,

- remonstrating with Hughes for his error.
- Wait? What?

- Don't f*cking walk away from me!
- [ARLO] Obisanya defuses the situation,

- but McAdoo remains incandescent.
- f*ck!

- We have time. Come on!
- [ARLO] My word.

Richmond asking plenty of
questions in the first half

but haven't been able to put
anything into Brighton's net.

As we enter one minute of stoppage time,

the Seagulls would be thrilled
to go into the locker room

leading by a goal to nil.

Any thoughts, Chris?

[CHRIS] Seagulls are wretched creatures

who'll steal your car keys
right off your beach towel.

[PATRONS CLAMORING]

[ARLO] Richmond's starting to click.

This is the crisp ball movement
we've come to expect from them.

Oh, this is slick. One-touch
passing around the area.

Rojas is in.

- Oh! Smothered by Brighton.
- [CROWD GASPING, GROANING]

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [ARLO] And that's the half.

Brighton's up -nil, but
it's still anyone's game.

[FAN , SINGSONGY] Same old
Richmond. Still a sh*t show.

You're absolutely rubbish!

Stop passing the ball around
and bloody do something!

You're a disgrace to the badge!

You're all playing like
a bunch of f*cking fa...

[CROWD CLAMORING]

- What the f*ck did you say to me?
- What?

- What did you f*cking say to me?
- [CROWD CLAMORING]

[ARLO] Isaac McAdoo has jumped the
wall and charged into the seats.

- This is unbelievable.
- Oh, my God.

- I dare you to f*cking say it again!
- [ARLO] He appears to be

in a confrontation with one
of the Richmond supporters.

Thataway, McAdoo. Get him.

Hang on. He's one of ours.

Say that word again!

You leave it!

- Say that f*cking word again!
- Isaac!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Number five!

f*ck's sake.

- [ALL GROANING]
- The captain, man.

[ARLO] It's an obvious red
card. McAdoo clearly has to go.

[CHRIS] Roy Kent as the voice
of reason. What a world.

- [ISAAC] f*ck's sakes.
- [CROWD CLAMORING]

Good lad. Oi!

Get him the f*ck out of here!

- [CROWD JEERING]
- What?

[ARLO] After all hell broke loose,
halftime finally gets underway,

and the Greyhounds have much to discuss.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [ISAAC BREATHING HEAVILY]

[DOOR CLOSES]

All right, no one's gonna say
nothing? Sure, no, I'll kick it off.

Isaac, what the hell happened?

[BREATHES SHAKILY] One of our
fans said some ignorant sh*t!

Okay. Okay, what...
[STAMMERS] what'd they say?

- I... I heard it.
- [TED] Okay.

He said the f-word.

- f*ck?
- No, the other f-word.

- [PLAYERS] Oh.
- Oh, f*ck.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

If it helps, the fan has been removed.

And I apologize for my dad.

- [PLAYER GROANS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Sorry, not the time for jokes.

Um, read the room, Leslie. [SCOFFS]

Okay. Okay, I get it.
I get it. I... Um...

Isaac, look. What that guy
said? Inexcusable. All right?

But, man... [CHUCKLES]

... your reaction to
it ain't gonna be taught

in any Tibetan monasteries anytime soon.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, now we're one man down.

Yeah, Isaac, come on, man. It's
nothing we haven't heard before.

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

Exactly. It's just
poopy. Ignore it, man.

Ignore it?

I don't want to f*cking ignore it.

What if one of us is gay? Huh?

We shouldn't have to
deal with this sh*t!

[HUFFS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

All right.

- I... I got it.
- Yeah, yeah.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

- [MOUTHING WORDS]
- [SOFTLY] You think I should have it?

[MUMBLES]

No, get out, Roy. I don't... I
don't need you to come in here.

Just leave me alone.
Just f*ck off, yeah?

I f*cked it up. Just f*cking
f*ck off. Just leave me alone.

I don't need you to start yelling at me.

I'm not here to yell at you.

[SIGHS]

What the f*ck was that all about?

- [PLAYER ] I don't know.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]

Colin, do you... do you know?

Guys, it's pretty obvious.

Isaac's gay, right?

- Oh.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]

[JAN] Well, statistically speaking,

% of the population is h*m*.

So it's not that surprising.

So there are probably more
people in this room who are gay.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

- [CLICKS TONGUE] I'm flattered.
- [PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

Guys... Guys, we don't need to
discuss this any further, okay?

All Isaac needs now is our support.

- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
- [PLAYER ] Yeah. That's our captain.

[TED] All right, fellas,
let's focus on the second half.

- Now, what we got...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Isaac's not gay.

I don't know what happened out there,

but I do know whatever it was isn't
what you're really angry about.

Is it?

[SIGHS]

So then trust me.

You got to go deal with that...

or you're gonna f*ck up whatever
it is you actually do care about.

[WILL] He's right, you know.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

The little things we get mad about
are like snowflakes on a mountain.

And if we wait too long, then
we're just one sneeze away

from an avalanche that will k*ll us all.

Thank you, Will.

- You want some bubble gum?
- Don't push it.

[WILL MUMBLES]

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

[SIGHS] So, we cool?

- [BUMBERCATCH] Of course.
- [PLAYERS MURMURING]

- Yeah.
- Of course. It's cool.

- [DANI] Yeah, yeah. Yes, amigo.
- A thousand percent.

You're gay, big whoop. But
we don't care. Right, guys?

- [PLAYERS MURMURING] Yeah. Yeah.
- [JAN] All good, bro.

[STAMMERS] Now, hold on.
[STAMMERING] Hold on, actually.

[STAMMERS] Colin, we do care, you know.

When I was growing up
back in Kansas City,

I had a buddy named Stevey Jewell.

Now, he was a huge Denver Broncos fan.

But we were all growing up smack
dab in the middle of Chiefs country.

So he used to catch a lot
of guff for it, you know?

But me? Me, I-I told him
it didn't affect the way

I felt about him at all, you know?

I told him that I "didn't care."

[STAMMERS] And I didn't, you know.

But then in s... what, ' , ' ,

he had to watch back-to-back Super
Bowls with the Denver Broncos in 'em

all by himself.

First one, he ate an
entire seven-layer dip

from Price Chopper all by himself.

Big ol' thing. And it
just wrecked his stomach.

Apparently, he destroyed the
toilet in his parents' basement.

[STAMMERS] I remember the
rumor at the time being

- that he caused $ , worth of damage.
- [PLAYER EXCLAIMS]

Could you imagine? To
a toilet. , bucks.

The next year, he did the
exact same thing. [CHUCKLES]

All by himself.

He must have thought it was good
luck or something. I don't know.

'Cause I wasn't there.
'Cause I "didn't care."

But I should've cared. You know?

I should've supported him.

I-I should've been at
his house both them years.

Sharing that seven-layer
dip with my friend

while his garbage-ass team
wins back-to-back Super Bowls.

Coach, did you just compare being
gay to being a Denver Broncos fan?

You know what? I did, and I
regret it. Yeah. Sorry about that.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

What the f*ck are Denver Broncos?

- [TED] No, that's a very good question.
- Oh, for f*ck's sake.

It's an American football reference,

an absolute fumble in this situation.

I apologize. Yeah. Okay.

But... [STAMMERS] ...
the point is, Colin...

we don't not care.

We care very much.

We care about who you are and what
you must've been going through.

Yeah?

But hey, from now on,

you don't have to go
through it all by yourself.

- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
- [TED] All right?

Yeah. You hear that? You
got us, mate. We got you.

Okay, well, look. Hey. I hate to
bring up work in a moment like this,

but we do have a second
half of a match to play.

Coach, what we got?

Playing a man down. What
do we do differently?

[PLAYERS] Absolutely nothing!

- [CHEERING, CHATTERING]
- Let's go. Let's go, baby.

[COLIN] Let's go.

[TED] Okay, okay. All
right. Captain, count us off.

Oh, wow. That's me, yes. Um, okay.

[SIGHS, STAMMERS] I don't
know what to say. Um...

[STAMMERS] I'm honored
to be your captain.

And, um, you know, I-I
love you guys so very much.

On three. One, two, three.

[ALL] I love you guys so very much!

[CHEERING, CLAMORING]

- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Better or worse than you imagined?

Uh, second-best way it
could've gone, I think.

Best way being the entire team
confesses that they're gay too,

and we get to be on the
cover of Oprah's magazine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hmm.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Cracking match, Coach.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Roger.

Hey, a few of us are getting
a pint. Care to join us?

Sounds good but, um,

I'm actually going for a
drink with Rupert tonight.

- [ROGER] Oh.
- Just the two of us, so...

Are you in trouble?

Wh... No, no. It's just
like, um, guys' night, so...

Cool. Maybe next time?

Yeah.

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Yes!
- [JAMIE] Yes!

- [ARLO] And Richmond have done it.
- Yes!

- How about that?
- Well done, sir.

[ARLO] They complete the comeback
for a thrilling two-one win...

- I love you so much, man.
- ... behind an inspirational turn

from Colin Hughes.

- Come on!
- [ARLO] Assisting both goals...

- Yeah!
- [HIGGINS] Whoo!

[ARLO] ... in a
man-of-the-match performance.

[CHRIS] Wow, Hughes
was sensational, Arlo.

- After being benched earlier this season...
- [CHANTING] AFC Richmond!

- AFC Richmond!
- [CHRIS] ... back in the starting lineup,

and today, the Welshman
played like a man reborn.

[PLAYERS CHEERING]

A goal down, a man down,

the Greyhounds scored
twice in the second half.

Both assisted by an
inspired Colin Hughes.

But the real fireworks were at halftime

when Richmond's captain, Isaac McAdoo,

went into the stands to
att*ck one of their own fans.

In fairness, I wanted to do
that a few times myself, Jeff.

Yeah, but you didn't, Clinton, 'cause
you're not a psychopath like McAdoo.

- Now, George, you don't know what...
- Oh, no... Jeff. Jeff, come on.

You do not go into the stands.
I don't care what was said.

That is a line you do not cross.

And that's why McAdoo wasn't
captain when I was there.

'Cause he's not fit for it.

I mean, come on. He makes
Roy Kent look like Bambi.

- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- He's an idiot, isn't he? Come on.

- McAdoo doing that.
- Yes.

- What was he thinking?
- He's in big trouble.

Guy probably deserved it though, right?

- Absolutely.
- No doubt.

I hope his kids shiv him in his sleep.

What? He used to come in here.

He was a d*ck to my niece, Claire, once.

- No way.
- Not Claire.

f*cking prick!

Moving over to east London,

the Wonder Kid's West Ham
took care of business at home.

- [CLUB MUSIC PLAYING]
- [PATRONS CHATTERING]

[RUPERT CHUCKLES] And then... And
then he... he came in after me.

[PERSON CHUCKLES]

Hey, Rupert.

- You all right?
- Hey, Nathan.

Let me introduce, uh,
Kelsie and, uh, Libby.

- No. [STUTTERS] The other way around.
- Uh...

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- The other way.

[RUPERT, LIBBY, KELSIE CHUCKLING]

Well, I'm still Rupert. [CHUCKLES]

And this is Nathan
Shelley, the Wonder Kid.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, you all right?

- Hi.
- Hey.

So, uh, the girls will
be joining us tonight.

Shall we?

Ooh. Yum, yum, yum.

- Thought it was a guys' night, Rupert.
- Ooh.

Well, yes. Trust me, it is.

Oscar. [DISTORTED] We're
off to the private room.

Couple of bottles of champagne, please.

Um, actually, Rupert.

I'm so sorry, uh, I need to leave.

Um, long story.

I wanted to come and tell you in person.

Ooh.

Congratulations, Ted.
That's eight wins in a row.

Oh, come on now, Trent.

You know I don't care
about winning or losing.

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [SCOFFS]

No, the truth is, only
way I could be happier

is if my arm-feet were covered
in barbecue sauce. [CHUCKLES]

How you feeling about
the win streak, Roy?

[GROANS] No way. Do not
come near me with that sh*t.

- You never talk about a streak.
- Um. Mmm.

My grandparents were
happily married for years

'cause they never said a f*cking
word to each other. Scram.

Well done, gentlemen. Congrats.

Mmm.

Another one.

Oh, boy. Higgins hitting us with
his DJ Khaled impression. Nice.

Who?

- Parallel thinking.
- Apparently so.

The press is ready for
you, Ted. It's a big one.

Mmm. That's what that lady from
the American Office said.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Okay.

[TED] Mmm.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

- He's on his way.
- Thank you, Leslie.

You gave Ted some talking points?

No. I haven't done that in a long time.

Oh, God.

[STAMMERS]

[ROY GRUNTS]

[CHATTERING STOPS]

Yeah. All right.
[SIGHS] You got me today.

Any questions?

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

f*cking hell.

You. Five-o'clock-shadow head.

Coach Kent, do you or the organization

condone what Isaac McAdoo did today?

What a stupid f*cking question.

- [REPORTERS CHUCKLING]
- [ROY] Course we don't.

What Isaac did was awful. He
was lucky he only got a red card.

Okay. So why'd he do it?

[CHUCKLES]

When I was first coming
up through Sunderland,

there was an old-timer
on the team. Local guy.

He and his wife were about
to have their first kid,

so during training one day,

I made a joke that, statistically,
I was probably the real dad.

And the boys fell about laughing,
but he went f*cking nuts.

He battered me. Properly.

I had a black eye, chipped
tooth, three broken ribs.

I couldn't play for six games.

He got booted off the team.

After that, no club would go near him.

Then in the summer, after
I could breathe again,

I bumped into him in a pub.

And I got the chance to say
sorry for my stupid f*cking joke.

And he got to tell me... [SWALLOWS]

- ... he and his wife had lost the baby...
- [REPORTERS GROANING]

... a month before all that went down.

He hadn't told anyone.
Kept it all inside.

Look, I get that some people
think if they buy a ticket,

they've got the right to yell whatever

abusive sh*t they want at footballers.

But they're not just
footballers. They're also people.

And none of us know what is
going on in each other's lives.

So for Isaac to do what he did today,

even though it was wrong...

I give him love.

And as for why he did what he did...

that's none of my f*cking business.

- Next question.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Yeah, New Trent.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, Coach, let's
talk about Colin Hughes.

Yeah, he's a hell of a
player and a great man.

I think we've underused him.

- [MARCUS] I think you're right.
- Glad we agree.

- I prefer you to Old Trent.
- [REPORTERS CHUCKLING]

- [ROY] Next question.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

["ALL THAT YOU ARE" PLAYING]

[ROY] You. Goblin King, go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey.

Hey.

What happened to guys' night?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hey.

You lied to me.

For years.

What is it about me that made
you think you couldn't tell me?

[STAMMERS] No, it was
nothing to do with you.

[SIGHS] It was about me.

I was % sure that you'd support me.

But the % chance that you
wouldn't scared the sh*t out of me.

I don't know how you did it.
I can't keep a secret for sh*t.

I know. Another reason
I didn't tell you.

I mean, I hid it from people for years,

and the second you find
out, I didn't last a month.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry, bruv.

You gonna tell everyone now?

No.

The team knows. And
that's enough for me.

And no one's gonna say sh*t.

I promise.

Hmm. Wanna come in?

Yeah, all right.

Come on.

["I AM WHAT I AM" PLAYING]

[ISAAC] Is "top or bottom" sex
positions or sleeping arrangements?

[COLIN] Sexual positions.

Unless bunk beds are
involved. Then it's both.

Would you ever shag a woman?

No, I'm gay.

I know, but what if you had to?

- Raquel Welch.
- My man.

[CHUCKLES]

- Who's the fittest guy on the team?
- I won't tell you, and you'd never guess.

- Bumbercatch.
- Yes.

What about team showers?
How does that work?

Uh, I keep my head down, and
I think of global warming.

Yeah, well, if I had to shower
with a bunch of girls all the time,

- I'd defo get boners.
- [CHUCKLES]

I love you, boyo.

You can't say it, can you?

No.

But you know I do, yeah?