03x16 - Armando and the Pool Table

[bunniefuu]

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[BARKING]

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Five, no Tr*mp.

Five, no Tr*mp?

Now, Sister Bertrille, have you flipped?

I double. I redouble.

She flipped.

I'm dummy.

Was there any doubt?

Hey.

Aren't there some spades among your clubs?

Clubs?

And now that I look at them...

Oh, this deck is such a wreck,

you can't even call a spade a spade.

Look at that. Look. Is that a jack or worn-out queen?

What are you doing?

It's time to visit Carlos, our friendly used-card dealer.

It is a gift.

And I'm telling you, if you Shriners don't take it,

I'm gonna give it to the Elks.

Oh. You don't have room, huh?

Well, that's exactly what the Elks said.

They don't have room either.

No, no, no. I don't have the room.

It's standing in the middle of my office,

and I cannot leave until I dispose of it.

Hi, Carlos. On second thought,

I think I'm leaving right now. Thank you anyway.

Sister Bertrille, it was very nice to see you.

I'm leaving right now on a business trip.

Oh, well, it's lucky I caught you in time.

Not in time, I turn all my money

into traveler's checks.

Well, I don't want any money.

Oh, no?

What is it this time? My soul again?

I'd like a replacement for these.

All you want is a fresh deck of cards?

Yes. I know it's our second one this year, Carlos,

but we play very rough game of bridge.

I know, I know. Here you are.

Thank you. Mm-hm.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Hold it.

I don't think you should be playing cards.

That's what Sister Jacqueline says, but--

I am going to make

a real contribution to the convent.

Sister Bertrille, what do you think of this?

Well, it looks like something I saw

in a modern museum pop art exhibit

entitled "Infinity in Green."

What's this called?

Try "Pool Table Standing in My Office."

Pool t-- Well, that's what it is.

That's what it is.

And it was willed to me

by the late Mr. Corso.

Absolutely top quality,

and I'm donating it to the convent

instead of a deck of cards.

A pool table in the convent?

A pool table in the convent.

Carlos, can I have my cards back?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Armando, did I not forbid you

to jump off of rooftops last week.

No, Reverend Mother.

Last week you forbid me to swing from tree branches.

That's when I was thinking of becoming a trapeze artist.

Armando, these activities are dangerous.

Of course, that is why people in these professions

make much money.

I must think of my future.

At the moment, you must think of sweeping out the cellar.

Is that a profession?

No. That is a punishment.

Sister Jacqueline.

I know, Reverend Mother.

Take him to the cellar and get him a broom.

And try to make certain

that he does not try to fly away on it. Hmm?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

Come on.

Hi, Armando. How are you? Not so good.

They're grounding me, Sister Bertrille.

No. We're undergrounding him.

Let's go, Batman.

Oh, dear.

I do not know what we are going to do

with that young man.

I know he's going through a daredevil phase,

but if we do not get his feet back on the ground,

I fear that he's gonna land on his head one day.

Reverend Mother, it's a sign from heaven.

What is a sign from heaven?

The perfect answer to the problem of Armando.

And to think that Señor Corso willed it to Carlos

just what I had to see him about a new deck.

It proves God moves in mysterious ways.

However mysterious

God's ways may be, Sister Bertrille,

at the moment, I'm totally mystified by yours.

I do not know what on Earth you are talking about.

Oh. The pool table.

The pool table?

Carlos has just donated a pool table to the convent.

Has he? Yes.

Well, he can just un-donate it.

Well, Reverend Mother,

this could bring Armando back down to earth,

a great recreation for the Sisters.

Sister Bertrille, this is a teaching order,

not a pool parlor.

I am happy to report

that Armando's wings have been clipped.

Temporarily.

Sister Jacqueline, Sister Bertrille feels

that we might cure Armando's space fever with a pool table

that Señor Ramirez has just donated to the convent.

Hey, how about that? Hey, how about that?

Sister Jacqueline.

Well, it's a great recreation.

I've had that one too. Oh.

Do you really think we should allow

someone of Armando's age to play pool?

Well, I started playing pool before I could walk.

I beg your pardon? BERTRILLE: It's true.

Her uncle owned a pool parlor when she was a baby.

Oh, and Reverend Mother, it's--

It's fantastic for the muscles, I'm telling you.

But not for the heart.

Sister Bertrille, my office is not the place to play pool.

How about the dining room?

The dining room has a table already.

BERTRILLE: I have this fantastic idea.

We could eat off the pool table.

It already has a built in table cloth,

holes where you could put the silverware,

the napkins, and it's a rotten idea.

[GLASSES CLINK] [BILLIARD BALLS THUD]

Uh-oh. Heh.

I think Armando is in a pickle again.

In the pickles, to be exact.

Must have knocked over one of our jars.

It's a sign from heaven.

You seem to be seeing signs from heaven everywhere,

from the sky to the cellar.

Well, that's what I mean, in the cellar.

The cellar. Of course.

Oh, good idea.

Take out the pickles and put it in the pool table.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: And so where the briny pickle had reigned,

the billiard ball now rolled.

Instead of bridge, it was pool.

But sometimes I wondered

if we had left the dummies behind.

[WHISTLES]

You're next, Sister Sixto.

Okay. Uh...

Which one is the cute ball?

There, and it's not a cute ball.

It's a cue ball.

Oh. I think it's also cute.

Here goes two pillow sh*t.

Two cushion sh*t.

BERTRILLE: Here comes Armando.

Right into our parlor.

Hi, Armando.

Hi, Sister. Can I have the broom?

Oh. The broom. Right here.

What do you need it for?

Tightrope walking.

Oh.

Well, how do you like to play pool?

I don't know how.

Well, Sister Jacqueline here can teach you.

Heh. Well, there's nothing to it, Armando.

Now, first,

you take the cue stick like this.

You loop the tip like this, and...

Boom. [BALLS CLATTERS]

You see? It's a lead-pipe cinch.

Next...

You pick out a ball you wanna pocket,

and you call it.

As...

Five ball in the corner pocket.

Well, would you like

to take a cr*ck at it?

The Reverend Mother says for me to keep busy down here.

Well, you can keep busy with the cue stick.

Thank you, but I'll stick to the broom.

Here you are, señor.

Thank you, Sister.

And thank the Reverend Mother

for indulging an old man's will.

Ah, Sisters.

A thousand pardons for this intrusion.

May I present myself.

Emilio Gomez at your service.

How do you do? Hello.

I recently returned to San Tanco

and I came upon Señor Carlos Ramirez.

Uh...

Here she is.

Oh.

Skin like satin.

Oh, you know, Sisters,

I was a good friend of Señor Corso.

And you recognize his pool table?

Recognize it?

Does an eagle recognize its nest?

Does a mother recognize her child?

All the years, Señor Corso and I

have played on this table.

Till he was called to his reward.

But no matter where he is,

he is not playing on a better table.

Mm-hm. May I?

Be our guest.

Thank you.

Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

Huh.

Wowee.

Well, you handled that stick like a real pro, señor.

I may say that I have been in the record books.

, ,

', ', '.

[CHUCKLES] SIXTO: Oh, my, Mr. Gomez,

you're a real chimp.

Champ.

It's a shame, señor,

with all your skill that you couldn't teach.

But, of course, I can teach. Would you like to learn, Sister?

Oh, no, I think it's a little much for me.

GOMEZ: Nonsense, I can teach a child to play this.

Could you teach me, sir?

Why not? If you have two arms and you are breathing.

I can teach you.

And I'm breathing.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: So Señor Gomez started to teach Armando,

and Armando learned well.

In fact, Armando got too good for his own good.

Congratulations.

You are now champion pool player of the Convent San Tanco.

Well, that's one for the record books.

Well, it's only the beginning. When I'm finished,

I'm gonna be the greatest pool shark in the whole world.

[SIGHS]

He has not been doing very well lately.

Armando?

Why, he's been doing great.

His English on the ball is sensational

and his reverse sh*ts--

I am speaking about his school work,

not his pool work.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Spelling, poor.

History, poor.

Reading, poor.

Geometry, excellent. There, you see?

He's learning a lot of angles from playing pool.

I suspect that Armando knows all the angles he needs.

However, his schoolwork has been avoided

due to his preoccupation with pool.

We must give up the pool table, and he must give up the game.

Oh, he's just crazy about it.

That is my decision, Sister Bertrille.

The pool table out of the cellar,

the pickles back into the cellar.

Yes, Reverend Mother.

Um...

Can I try and cure him of his love for the game

before we get rid of the table?

[SIGHS]

Very well, Sister Bertrille.

Thank you, Reverend Mother.

I am going to a parish council meeting today,

and I will return tomorrow night.

I trust that will not be too short of time

to affect a cure.

Oh. No, Reverend Mother.

[♪♪♪]

Not if you believe in miracles.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you. You see, we're all in trouble. The only difference

between us and Armando is he doesn't know it.

We've just got to find a way to stop him from playing pool.

Sister, I understand your problem.

When I was Armando's age,

my mother tried to stop me from playing pool also.

What did she do?

She broke a cue stick over my head.

That didn't seem to discourage you very much.

What did your father feel about it?

Oh, terrible. It was his cue stick.

Your father played pool?

Sister, it is my sorrow to tell you

that I come from a family of pool hustlers.

Pool hustlers? Yes.

You see, you'll get people to bet against you,

and you lose.

Then when the stakes are high enough, you win.

Oh, the tension. Is there tension?

Tension? What do you think turned my hair white?

I'm only .

I think you put your finger on the very thing

that's gonna break up the Armando cue stick romance.

Tension. If there is anything I can do.

You can tell me who's the very best pool player in San Tanco.

No. The best, that is me of course.

But I have retired from competition.

Well, then who's the second best unretired?

That would be Carlos.

Carlos Ramirez?

He has the eye of an eagle,

hands sure and steady as a surgeon's,

magnificent reflexes. He has?

Sister, that is not just only my opinion.

It is also his opinion.

NARRATOR: And so Sister Bertrille zoomed off

in the direction of San Ramos,

where Carlos had gone on his business trip.

She couldn't drive there for two reasons.

One, the Reverend Mother had taken the station wagon,

and two, San Ramos was an island.

You see, Carlos, Armando is failing in his studies

on account of your pool table.

So you're obligated to help him. Morally.

Oh. That wouldn't convince him.

That didn't even convince the bird.

[♪♪♪]

Mm, that's good.

My childhood ambition was to be a masseur.

Mm.

I might yet apply for a license.

Speaking about licenses...

Mm, me and my big mouth.

Where do people get married in San Ramos?

Nobody gets married in San Ramos.

It's a rest spot, darling.

But I'm not tired.

Mm.

Well, I have a feeling

it's getting a little too hot out here.

I'll see you later.

Oh. Carlos, I found you.

My feeling was right.

I ran into a bellboy at the hotel

who knew just where you were. Wasn't that lucky?

Mm-hm. Not for the bellboy, it wasn't.

Oh, Sister Bertrille,

this is Miss Preem, my secretary.

She's all brains.

She does the work of five computers.

Darling, would you wait for me at the lobby?

I'll see you there when the little hand is on the two

and the big hand is on the six.

Well, Sister Bertrille,

it's very nice to have seen you again.

Have a very nice flight back. Oh, boy, did your pool table

get us into trouble. No guarantee

came with the merchandise.

Now, maybe it was all right

for George Washington and Al Capone,

but it's rotten for Armando.

I have a plan and I need your help. First of all...

NARRATOR: Sister Bertrille's plans,

like most everything about her

were filled with good intentions.

But unorthodox, most unorthodox indeed.

Just think of it.

Yesterday, pool champion of just the convent.

Today, pool champion of the whole city.

If he beats the present champion.

Well, he can't lose. It's just Carlos.

You can play rings around him, can't you, champ?

I will if you'll give me my fingers back.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry. Now, Armando,

when you are a pool player, you have no friends,

only opponents, understand?

Oh. Here's our referee.

Hello, Señor Gomez. How are you?

Very well.

Señor Armando.

Señor Gomez.

I welcome you to the world of bigtime pool.

May the best player win.

That's you, champ.

Today you take the town, tomorrow the world.

Here comes the opposition.

Sister Bertrille. Sister Jacqueline. Sister Sixto.

How have you been?

Armando, how are you?

Nice to see you, my boy.

I'm so glad you're here,

especially right now.

You are going to watch a great pool player in action.

There is some amateur

who got the crazy idea they can b*at me.

The Minnesota Fats of San Tanco.

Crazy, huh? Hmm.

Watch me put him away.

Okay, Sister Bertrille, where is my challenger?

Got cold feet at the last moment?

Here he is. Armando.

Hmm. Run out, huh?

I thought so.

I--

Armando?

The Minneapolis Skinny

of the convent.

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

We'll see how much of a joke when the game is over.

Armando happens to be a regular pool herring.

You mean shark.

I mean he's a whale of a pool player.

I'll put him away in the time it takes to sneeze.

Would you like to put a little money where your mouth is?

Don Carlos-- Uh-uh-huh.

When you play pool, you don't touch opponents.

Now, since I'm here, I might as well go through

with the rest of the comedy.

But Sister Bertrille, don't think

that I'm going to forget about this very easily.

Thank you, Sister Jacqueline.

I have never seen Don Carlos so angry, Sister Bertrille.

He's not angry. He's scared.

Excuse me, Sister Bertrille.

Were you the Sister speaking about putting money

where our patron's mouth is?

Yes, I'm the one. Thank you, Sister.

About how much did you have in mind?

About six small ones.

Six dollars? Correct.

We'll cover.

Good.

Hey, ref, hold the bets.

Oh, por Dios. You're betting on me.

Of course, all the nuns in the convent are in on it.

You always bet on your man in a match.

This is bigtime pool.

I don't like that.

You don't? No.

Don Carlos will lose $

and hate me even more.

[SIGHS]

Nine in the corner pocket.

[♪♪♪]

An itch. Scratch.

Five in the corner.

Fourteen in the corner.

One in the side.

Bank sh*t on the three.

GOMEZ: The winner is Carlos Ramirez.

I lost your money.

All the nickels and dimes and pennies

you Sisters have been saving up.

Easy come, easy go. Sister Bertrille.

Next time, don't send a boy to do a man's job.

Hernandez, give Sister Bertrille her money back.

Oh, no, you keep it.

You were just lucky.

We would now like a rematch.

They are entitled.

But, Sister Bertrille, you saw how badly I lost.

Beautifully, champ, beautifully.

You're a real hustler. Now I know what they mean

when they call them pool sharks. You got them hooked.

Gentlemen, perhaps you would like

to make the betting a little more interesting.

How interesting? You name it.

We can accommodate you up to $, Sister.

Five big ones it is.

Sister!

Oh, we don't usually carry that much cash around,

but we can put up the golden candlesticks

which are worth grand.

Where are they?

Start the game. I'll bring them down.

Sister Bertrille! You're not gonna bet

the golden candlesticks.

Look, we've suckered him into the big one,

now we can clean up.

Go get him, tiger.

[♪♪♪]

[BERTRILLE WHISTLING]

Sister Bertrille.

Reverend Mother, you're back early, I think.

Where are you going with those candlesticks?

Candlesticks?

What candlesticks?

Oh, these candlesticks.

Well, we didn't have enough light.

Enough what?

Well, actually, we're gonna clean up with these--

Clean these up for you.

Sister Bertrille, I believe you should have enough to do

without cleaning candlesticks.

Getting Armando back to his schoolwork

should keep you busy.

Oh, it does.

How is he doing?

Well, he's learning his lesson right now.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

Is that pool table still in the cellar?

It's on its way out, Reverend Mother.

[YELLING CONTINUES]

[BALLS THUDDING]

So that is how he is studying his lesson.

Well, he is not just studying. He's graduating.

Well...

So you see, by betting the candlesticks on him,

we show him pool isn't what it's racked up to be--

Cracked up to be. I mean that being champion means more

than just crew stick--

Cute stick-- Cue stick.

Sister Bertrille, you are not making any sense.

When I gave you permission to work out a solution,

I did not expect you to go to such lengths.

Armando. Put that stick down.

Reverend Mother. Thank you, thank you.

I don't wanna play pool anymore.

I don't wanna be a pool champ.

I just wanted to do my homework and go to school.

It's all Sister Bertrille's fault.

She forced me into this.

Sister Bertrille, apparently, your motives are good,

but your methods leave much to be desired.

Oh, thanks, champ.

I mean, thank you, Reverend Mother. Heh.

I think.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Gomez promised to give the pool table a good home.

So I hope your troubles are over.

We can't thank you for the trouble you've gone to.

You've done a wonderful job. It was worth it.

Well, Armando,

are you gonna be pool player when you grow up?

ARMANDO: No, Don Carlos.

Not a pool player, nor a paratrooper,

nor a trapeze artist. No, sir.

Oh, Carlos, you've just done a wonderful job.

Thank you. We're truly grateful.

You have done a wonderful job. It was nothing.

When I grow up, I'm gonna be a gambler

like my friend, Don Carlos.

[UNISON] You have done a wonderful job.

[♪♪♪]

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