03x09 - Hector and the Brass Band

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKING]

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: When it comes to raising money, few are more enterprising

than the Sisters of the Convent San Tanco.

Start with one brass bed,

add one part dedication,

two parts determination,

three parts imagination,

and you have a recipe fraught with endless possibilities.

This might be a real antique.

Who knows who it belonged to?

If it could only talk.

Swell. Who'd want a bed that keeps you awake all night?

[♪♪♪]

BOY: Don't start it.

[CLANGING]

Look at me! Soaked!

The whole pail of milk.

You take that crazy burro back to the hills where you found him

or I'm leaving. Take your choice.

It's either him or me.

Well?

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.[GRUNTS]

Angela, where's your sense of humor?

I lost it. This morning when he chewed up my checkbook.

At least it saves me a lot of money.

Very funny. But I mean what I say.

That four-legged calamity has got to go. And now.

All right, all right.

All right what?

Hector goes.

When?

At the first opportunity.

NARRATOR: Sure enough the opportunity was driving up.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Well, this is the last one on the list.

You'd think we're trying to sell sand to the Arabs.

If at first you do not succeed, you cry, cry again.

No, that's not "cry." It's "try."

No, you make them feel sorry for you.

If we did much more crying, it'd be easier to sell the bed.

I'm so tired of lugging that thing around,

I'm about ready to give it away.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Sisters, what can I do for you?

Well, you see, we have this very special brass bed.

BERTRILLE: For all you know, Christopher Columbus himself

may have slept on it.

It's a wonder to me

Columbus had time to discover anything.

I already have four beds

that he may have slept in.

Yes, but the bishop of Cordova only d*ed in one bed.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, the bishop of Cordova,

he was such a nice man.

But he d*ed over a hundred years ago.

It only seems like yesterday.

[♪♪♪]

[DONKEY BRAYS]

Ah, I see. You are admiring my beautiful Hector.

Beautiful.

For a burro.

But Hector is not an ordinary burro.

[BRAYS]

Ah, I'm sorry.

I know what you're thinking, but it's impossible.

It is? What are we thinking?

You're saying to yourself how wonderful it would be

to trade Hector for the brass bed, right?

Is that what we're thinking? It might be nice

for the orphans at the convent. What a coincidence.

Hector is an orphan and I am an orphan.

Well, we wouldn't wanna take advantage of you,

especially being an orphan.

Everybody takes advantage of me.

Why should you be any different?

How can I face my loving wife

if I deprived those poor little orphans of such happiness?

Yes. Well, the Reverend Mother--

Oh, a wonderful woman.

You have talked me into it. Hector for the bed.

Congratulations, Sisters.

[BRAYS]

ANTONIO: Stop that! Stop that, you!

[BRAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

The life of the party. That's Hector.

Are you sure Hector knows he's a burro?

According to my wife,

he acts like he's a member of the family.

Oh, well, then that makes you a donkey's uncle. Heh.

A burro?

His name is Hector.

He's great fun at parties.

That is not the point.

What are we going to do with him?

A convent is hardly the place for a burro.

He might make a nice pet for the children.

Ah. We could use him for transportation.

He's so easy on gas.

Would it not be simpler to take him back?

Well, we'd just end up with that brass bed again.

Well, there are worse things, Sister Bertrille.

Reverend Mother, Hector's an orphan.

[HECTOR BRAYING]

[SIGHS]

Well, he is one more mouth to feed, but I--

I suppose we can manage.

All right, Hector.

You are now an official member of the family.

[GRUNTS]

[BRAYS]

Uh, have you no respect

for the Reverend Mother?

[BRAYS]

I am afraid

that your orphan's manners

have been sadly neglected.

If I were you, I'd keep a firm hand on him, Sisters.

Ah, well, a burro in the hand is worth two in the bush.

NARRATOR: It seemed that our four-legged friend

was a bundle of laughs, especially on wash day.

[♪♪♪]

But burros do not live by petunias alone.

There was also the matter of self-expression.

It developed that Hector was an abstract painter

in his own right.

The Reverend Mother is just not gonna stand for this.

You're just gonna have to shape up or ship out.

Hi. Hi.

He's hard of hearing.

Of course. From all the wax in his ears.

What wax?

The candles. He ate them all this morning.

Oh, boy, let's face it.

Hector's a product of our times, antiestablishment.

REVEREND MOTHER: Sisters?

He also appears to be anti-Catholic.

I found this in his stall this morning.

Well, maybe his system craves starch.

Uh, yes, like vitamins to a burro.

Sisters, either Hector's personality has changed

since he arrived, or the man who sold him to you

greatly exaggerated his qualities.

Oh, that looks like my missing cornet.

REVEREND MOTHER: It was your missing cornet, Sister Jacqueline.

Well, I hate to heap coals on the fire, but...

Smile for the Reverend Mother, Eddie.

Good gracious.

An accident?

By the name of Hector.

REVEREND MOTHER: That is that.

Hector is a menace to the children.

We could put a muzzle on him. Oh, that won't work.

He's dangerous at both ends.

BERTRILLE: We keep him out in the pasture?

No, we could not.

You mean we have to give him back?

Yes, Sister Bertrille. We have to give him back.

Come along, Eddie.

[♪♪♪]

See what you get, Hector,

for messing around with the establishment?

NARRATOR: Sister Bertrille went looking

for Hector's ex-uncle.

Pulling the wool over a nun's eyes

wasn't his only talent. He'd sold the bed

and was trying to run the proceeds into a fortune.

Full house.

I have never seen a lucky streak before.

It's how you play cards.

You have to know what you are doing.

That's right. You bet them when you get them.

Oh, Sister Bertrille.

Please, sit down.

What emergency at the convent

requires my immediate attention this time?

Well, it's an emergency, all right.

But it requires his immediate attention.

Ah, Sister.

I am afraid you came in a very bad moment.

Uh, who deals?

Oh, never mind. We have the time.

ANTONIO: Uh, I'm sorry, Sister.

I never mix poker with religion.

And I never pray when I'm playing.

I'll open for a dollar.

Okay, I'll stick with poker.

I'll open with one burro. Hector.

You just have to take him back.

After you practically talked me into giving him away?

Well, you out-bluffed me. The thing you told me

was a treasure turned out to be a disaster.

You sold the Sister that wild burro you told me about?

Sold? I took an old bed in trade.

I'll take what you got for the bed.

I practically had to give it away.

If you'll just take him back, I'm sure we can find

something else in your store. That sounds fair.

No, no. A deal is a deal.

If I make an exception,

everybody will be taking things back.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Uh, I'll take three cards.

Who's betting? BERTRILLE: I'm betting.

I'm betting you haven't heard the last of this.

Please, Sister, I came here to play poker.

Well, I only have one thing to say to you.

In the words of St. Ignatius, he said...

He said...

[SPEAKING LATIN]

[♪♪♪]

What did she say? I will repeat it.

But whatever she said, it wasn't enough

after what you did. sh**t me. I sold a bed.

You pulled a fast one. And you know something,

when you pull a fast one on the church, it's bad luck.

Ha. Business is business.

I raise.

Hmm. You could be bluffing.

There is only one way to find out.

Okay.

And I'll raise, businessman.

Just to show you that I don't believe in superstition.

I do.

Too bad. Four kings.

Hold it.

Four aces.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Now, I'm not much of a poker player,

but anyone knows getting the second-best hand

three times in a row is enough to make you look

under your chair for a black cat.

Antonio's straight lost to a flush.

His flush lost to a full house.

And his full house lost to a higher full house.

Well...

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKS LATIN]

[SCOFFS]

No.

Boy, the Reverend Mother is really going to flip her cornet

when she sees Hector.

I, for one, don't wanna be around.

I for two.

Poor Hector. If there was just some way to reach him.

There is. With a stick.

That's probably his trouble.

He might have had some cruel master

that made him emotionally disturbed.

Or maybe he came from a broken stall.

You mean "home." Oh, what family would keep him

in the house?

Well, time is not on Hector's side.

So whatever you decide to do, you'd better do it

before the Reverend Mother returns.

I'm going to see Dr. Forales.

Who? The veterinarian.

He takes care of animals.

He might just know what to do

with Hector's alienated personality.

Sure. It takes one to know one.

NARRATOR: Hector wasn't the only one who needed therapy.

Someone else was having his own psychological problems.

[♪♪♪]

Why me? Why me?

[HORN HONKING]

REVEREND MOTHER: You exchanged that dog for Hector?

[PANTING]

No, we got him for Hector.

Let me understand you, Sister Bertrille.

You were supposed to take Hector back,

and instead you got that dog for Hector?

Well, don't think of him as a dog.

Dr. Forales says to think of him more like a prescription.

Oh, yes. You know, like a security blanket.

[BARKS]

[GASPS] Dr. Forales says

if Hector could have a companion,

it might change his personality. Oh.

Well, that's the first sensible thing

that you have said, Sister Bertrille.

I hope for Hector's sake and for ours

that the doctor is right.

Okay. He said to place Barnaby

where Hector can see him, and then...

Then untie Hector. Uh-huh.

REVEREND MOTHER: Children, stand back.

Come on, children.

[♪♪♪]

[BARNABY WHIMPERING]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

[HECTOR BRAYS]

[CHILDREN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, I do believe that we're all going to survive.

NARRATOR: There was the urgent matter of pet food

for Barnaby's finicky appetite.

Sister Bertrille volunteered to go.

However, a favorable wind turned unfavorable for Antonio

since it took her in the direction

of his establishment.

Three dollars just to pull me out of the banana tree.

My order to San Pablo ends up in San Juan.

My chicken lay their eggs where I can't find them.

There is no end to it.

They put a curse on me no matter where I turn.

You're imagining things.

Why blame it on the good Sisters?

Sisters? Yes. Good? No.

Whenever something happens, up pops a Sister.

You're hopeless. Hopeless.

[♪♪♪]

Angela!

Angela!

Thanks for the clothes, Carlos.

CARLOS: You're welcome.

Good afternoon, Sister.

I was coming to the convent, but this saves me a trip.

Here. I would like to make a contribution to the convent.

Oh, $. Thank you.

My pleasure.

Now, remove the curse.

Curse? I don't get you.

Well, it's all right with me whatever you call it.

Just get rid of it for me.

Well, I'd be glad to help you

if I knew what you were talking about.

You mean you won't do anything about it?

About what?

[FABRIC RIPS]

[♪♪♪]

To be cursed is bad enough,

but to have to pay on top of it?

All right, all right,

you warned me and I wouldn't listen.

But I am a changed man. I'll do anything you say.

Well, it's a very delicate situation.

It's requires a lot of tact, diplomacy and time.

Time is running out. My health, my car,

my business, my sanity. I can't wait!

Let's see.

Maybe if I act as intermediary, speak on your behalf,

it might help to facilitate things.

I'll do anything to make it right.

I got it. Restitution.

Restitution?

But why would Señor Fuentes want to give us $?

To make restitution for what he did.

That is what he got from a collector

for the antique brass bed.

Don't take a penny less.

I do not quite understand, Señor Ramirez.

Reverend Mother, please trust me. Do as I say.

Oh, another thing, he's a very superstitious man

and he might mention something about a curse.

If he does, humor him.

Humor him.

Gotcha.

I'm with you.

Reverend Mother, Señor Fuentes is outside.

REVEREND MOTHER: Thank you, Sister Sixto. Bring him in, please.

Sister Bertrille, as you are familiar with the situation,

I'm going to let you talk with Señor Fuentes.

Swell.

Good afternoon, Reverend Mother, Sisters.

Good afternoon, Señor Fuentes.

Will you please forgive me?

I have some business to attend to.

Sister Bertrille will talk with you.

Excuse me.

Uh...

You know what I like about you Sisters?

You have such a forgiving nature.

Uh...

I have to say that I made a little mistake

when I traded Hector for the brass bed.

Uh...

All right, a big mistake.

A confession is good for the soul.

But restitution is much better, right?

Uh, the only way to fix things is to buy back Hector

and give you what I got for the bed.

Ahem. Well, what did you have in mind?

Well, if my memory's right, I--

I got for the bed about $ tops for it.

Well, I don't know.

The kids are going to be so disappointed.

He's practically one of the family now.

Blood is thicker than water...

I could have been wrong.

Uh, maybe it was .

And then there's Barnaby. Barnaby?

Oh, the dog he played so beautifully with.

Oh, they were practically inseparable.

How could we explain it to him?

They're so attached, I don't know

how we'd ever break up the set. Two hundred dollars.

You will find a way. Oh, how generous.

ANTONIO: It just came to me.

That's exactly what I got for the bed.

Not a penny more.

Now, please, remove that evil cloud

that follows me around.

It's a beautiful day.

I don't see any clouds. Please, no jokes.

You know, when you take Hector home,

then you have another problem. Huh?

Your wife can't stand the sight of him.

That's right.

I have to choose between the curse and Angela.

If you win, you lose.

Oh, there must be some way out of this.

It's hopeless.

If I bring Hector home, Angela leaves.

Well, then don't bring him home.

You mean I can leave him here?

Naturally.

Why didn't I think of it?

Well, you practically did.

And every time we look at Hector, we'll think of you.

That's the solution.

Now, please, remove the affliction.

Señor Fuentes, are you all right?

Shh. Not yet.

He seems to think we've put some sort of hex on him.

Please don't play games.

Señor Fuentes, I assure you

that any omen you feel we are responsible for

has been removed.

Now, take back what you said at the casino.

What did I say?

Those words of St. Ignatius.

Oh.

Sister Bertrille, do as he asks, please.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

St. Ignatius said that?

Well, it's possible.

What does it mean?

All Gaul is divided into three parts.

Why'd you say that? I was so mad I couldn't think

of anything nice to say. I didn't wanna say anything bad.

Now I have to live up in my part of the bargain.

My wallet. It's gone.

It didn't work. I'm still cursed.

Oh, what is going to happen to me?

When that is going to end?

Señor Fuentes, please, you must have faith.

Think good thoughts.

All right, all right. I'm thinking.

[HECTOR BRAYING]

ANTONIO: Look.

He's got it. Oh.

[♪♪♪]

Lend it to me.

[BRAYS]

Oh. It's a sign that your luck is changing.

See? All you need was just a little faith.

[BRAYING]

[♪♪♪]

It looks well on him.

Like it was made for him.

It was.

Señor Fuentes, how nice to see you.

It's my pleasure. Oh, please, sit down.

Oh, Sister Jacqueline, look what he brought for us.

And we could have it for only $.

[COUGHING]

Are you all right?

What did I do wrong?

[COUGHS]

SIXTO: You talked while you were eating.

No, no, no, it's my bad luck again.

Something did it.

[BRAYS]

Hector's blanket. That did it?

Find me a priest. I will confess.

But you only choked on something you ate.

No, no, no. I choked on a lie.

The blanket is a gift from Angela.

JACQUELINE: Well, how nice.

On the way over I thought,

what's the harm in making a few dollars?

Please, accept it as a gift.

Well, the price is right.

[ALL LAUGH]

[HECTOR BRAYING]

[♪♪♪]