03x02 - My Sister the Star

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[BARKS]

JACQUELINE: At the beginning of each school year,

the convent gives a party for the children,

and each year, Sister Bertrille persuades--

Oh, heh, that's her word for "hoodwinks."

--a local celebrity to be the guest of honor.

This year's target was Claudio the Clown,

a great television favorite with the children.

BERTRILLE: ♪ There's a world Inside your pillow ♪

♪ A never, never land Where dreams come true ♪

♪ All you have to do Is close your sleepy eyes ♪

♪ And a door will open up For you ♪

♪ So hushaby, and by and by You'll soon be on your way ♪

♪ Deep in dreamland ♪

♪ Till the break of day ♪ [KIDS CHUCKLING]

♪ You'll see the world Inside your pillow ♪

♪ Just as soon As I turn out the light ♪

[MOUTHING]

♪ All you have to do Is close your sleepy eyes ♪

♪ And say the magic words ♪

♪ Good night ♪

KIDS: Yay!

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, all right, kids.

I mean, let's not unravel. It's a nice number and all,

but we better save our cheering for--

Claudio!

That's me. In living color.

[LAUGHS]

You know something, Sister,

you are very big with the talent.

Oh, you're joking.

No, no, no. I mean that.

You are maravilloso. Is that good?

In Spanish, that means "terrific."

How about that, kids? She's great, no?

[KIDS CHEERING]

Heh. You can't fool the children.

They know.

Sister Bertrille, for you.

Oh. Thank you.

You know what this means? No.

This means that Claudio

is cooking up some plans for you.

Some very big plans.

JACQUELINE: And that he was.

But the best-made plans of mice and men oft go astray.

Fortunately.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Golly, Claudio, I appreciate the offer,

but what would I do in your television show?

You entertain the children, the same as I.

Well, my triple somersaults are a little rusty.

No, no, no. I take care of the clowning, the acrobatics.

You, I want to sing and to play the guitar.

You could wind up the Petula Clark

of the Pablum set.

Reverend Mother,

I'd be filled with gratitude

if you try to convince her.

BERTRILLE: I don't know.

The money's not big,

but it's not bad.

BERTRILLE: Money? Two hundred dollars.

You could donate it to the convent.

I've thought about it.

Bueno.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Just try to remember.

Now, the microphone is up there.

The spotlight is out there.

Your marks are down there.

Camera is over there and Camera is over there.

But you do not look over there.

You look straight out there, and you smile.

[OFF-KEY] ♪ The golden glint Of sunlight ♪

♪ Bathes the particles Of sand ♪

Forget the smile.

Señor Montez, I really don't think--

Good, good. I will think for you.

I will think for you, Sister.

Now, now, Sister, listen to me, please.

When you sing the second chorus of the song,

you must move to that camera.

But you must be very, very careful

that you do not--

--trip over the cable.

Yeah.

Well, it's a good thing

I've had a lot of practice in crash landings.

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

Yes. All right, Sister.

Now, let me see if you remember my directions.

Run through them, please.

Well, ahem...

Sing into my spotlight.

Watch my marks on the cable.

Don't trip over my mic. Relax.

And when I fall off my stool, come up smiling.

Or something like that.

Yeah.

Mm. Take five, everybody.

Take five. Oh.

How's it going, Sister?

Oh. Wonderful, Claudio.

Oh. Just great.

It's as easy as reciting catechism.

Backwards.

You scared?

Terrified. Would you like to know

what happened to me the first time I went onstage?

I don't think so. I fainted.

It was only an amateur contest,

but I was going to be the Spanish Bing Crosby

in show business.

Oh, I'll never forget that night.

Somebody led me onto the stage, introduced me to the audience,

and then left.

And there I was, alone

on that great big empty stage.

Pfft.

The next thing I know, somebody was leaning over me,

and the whole audience was singing

"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

[LAUGHS]

So you see, you're not the only--

Sister Bertrille!

Welcome to show business, Sister.

Hurry, Sisters.

Claudio's program goes on in five seconds.

It's a very old set. I hope it'll work.

[STATIC]

It sounds terrible.

Well, when you're that old, you have a right to sound terrible.

I think it needs artificial restoration.

Respiration, Sister.

Heh. But you're close.

Oh, I thought they said it never snowed in San Juan.

[SIGHS]

Nothing happened. Mm.

I would not say that, Sister Ana.

The washing machine just came on,

and it has not worked for weeks.

Would you like to try for the water heater?

[THUD] Oh!

[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

SIXTO: You did it, Sister.

Heh. I wasn't tennis champ

of the Maple Street Bloomer Girls for nothing.

Ah, good. Oh!

And now, Felipe, and boys and girls,

you are going to be very thrilled.

What is it? Well, remember that guest

I told you was going to be on the show today?

She is here.

FELIPE: You mean she is a swinger?

CLAUDIO: No, no, not a swinger. She is a singer.

That's Sister Bertrille.

You got a sister who's a swinger?

No, no, she's not my sister.

She is a real Sister. She is a nun.

Uh-oh, I got to get out of here. What's the matter?

I don't go to Sunday school this morning.

No, heh. Boys and girls,

it's my pleasure to present Sister Bertrille.

[FANFARE PLAYS]

I don't see her.

Oh, you will. Wait.

You will see her.

Uh, maybe I should sing this song myself.

No, no, no, no. You don't sing. She's going to sing.

[CHUCKLES]

She promised!

[FANFARE PLAYS]

Maybe you should introduce her

as the invisible Sister Bertrille.

Heh. I'm afraid that maybe I will have to, Felipe.

[GROANS]

[GUITAR TWANGS]

Shh.

There she is now. Heh. [FANFARE PLAYS]

Sister Bertrille, boys and girls.

There, on the ground.

On the ground. By the elephant. Oh.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

[CLAUDIO CHUCKLES]

Sister Bertrille has quite an eye for comedy, hasn't she?

She's a regular Filler Diller.

Phyllis Diller.

Oh. Never heard of her.

Welcome. Welcome to the show, Sister Bertrille.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

I would have gotten here sooner,

but I took a shortcut and it took longer.

Oh, that's all right. Come here and sit down.

Now, don't worry. Just-- I want you to meet Felipe.

This is Sister Bertrille. How do you do?

Hello. I think you got to hold that

on the other side with strings. Oh.

Oh, that's it. That's it.

There's a hole there. It's not going to work.

No, of course, Felipe, it's going to work.

How do you work that, Sister?

Well, you put your fingers on the strings...

Uh-huh. ...and then you strum and...

Oh, you can do that? Yeah.

Can you do this?

No, no,Felipe.

Don't do that. That's fresh. [CHUCKLES]

No. Now, we are going to leave Sister Bertrille alone

to entertain the boys and girls.

Felipe, wish her the best of luck.

I wish you good luck, Sister.

Thank you very much.

Thank Claudio too.

Oh. Thank you, Claudio.

Oh, it is a pleasure, Sister Bertrille.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

[BERTRILLE STRUMMING GUITAR]

♪ The golden glint Of sunlight ♪

♪ Bathes The particles of sand ♪

♪ And a myriad of patterns Are designed ♪

♪ In reverie I watch the... ♪

I like this girl, Claudio. She is good.

Where'd you find her?

She found me, then I found her.

She's from the Convent San Tanco.

♪ And it's a whole new world I see ♪

♪ Oh, yes, a whole new world For me ♪

♪ And as I take a trip Along the corridors of time ♪

♪ Where the winding halls Are carpeted with grass ♪

♪ My eye is on tomorrow And my hand on yesterday ♪

♪ The whole panorama Is my... ♪

She has a style. Mm.

Quality, carismo.

Something you do not find every day.

She's a natural.

You know, Claudio, with a little training,

proper development, we could have something here.

♪ On my odyssey, the fabric Of the infinite unfolds ♪

♪ Free of mushroom clouds That sear the sky above ♪

♪ I harken to the thunder Of a trailing of a leaf ♪

♪ As it heralds The awakening of love ♪

♪ And, oh, what miracles Abound ♪

♪ Out in the whole New world ♪

♪ I found ♪

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Ah, very good, Sister. Very good.

MONTIQUE: A talent such as Sister Bertrille

should not be held back, Reverend Mother.

Now, my idea is this.

Let her have a show of her own. Say, minutes a day.

We call it Songs by Bertrille,

in keeping with the dignity of the convent.

Your idea is most interesting, Señor Montique.

But I wonder if Sister Bertrille can find the time

to do a television show and also fulfill her obligations here.

I'm glad you thought of that.

I couldn't possibly-- Sister.

I will help you.

I could take over your sewing class.

Sister Ana, you know you don't know how to sew.

I'll learn.

I would do anything for you, Sister.

Oh, me too.

I could teach the kids English.

I can congregate verbs and dangle particles

like nobody's business.

And don't think she can't.

Sister Sixto, I appreciate the offer--

JACQUELINE: Take a fling at it.

We'll all help out. After all, what are a few

dangled particles among friends.

Sisters, I can't let you do my work.

Look at it this way. The money you make will go to the convent,

so you'd be helping them. And if the show is a hit,

who knows what could happen? [GASPS]

You could be another dinosaur.

Dinosaur? Dino--?

Oh. Heh. Dinah Shore.

A very famous name in show business.

Oh. No wonder she changed it.

Sister Bertrille, the decision is yours.

What do you think?

Well...

I think about what a little money could do for the convent.

We could buy a new washing machine,

new baseball uniforms for the kids.

Maybe a new television set so we could watch your show.

And the plumbing could stand a little going under.

Uh, going over. Oh.

But I'll buy that.

I guess I'm outnumbered.

Oh, no more cold showers in the morning.

Just think, Sister Bertrille,

because of you, we'll all be in hot water again.

JACQUELINE: A possibility no one at San Tanco would ever deny.

[♪♪♪]

BERTRILLE: What is there to be so shook up about?

Appearing on television isn't any big deal.

I mean, people do it every day, and they live through it.

At any rate, I never heard of anyone

dropping dead from stage fright.

Yet.

Okay, I'll sign that little agreement.

I'll work hard, and if I become an overnight success

in a year or two, I won't let it change me.

I'll still be the same sweet, friendly Sister Bertrille.

Even if I do become that wonderful, adorable,

simply marvelous...

I wonder what it would be like.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Bertrille,

you cannot wear an evening gown and a cornet.

It looks dumb.

You know, you're right.

Okay. Then you will get rid of it.

I'll get rid of the dress.

How many times do I have to tell you?

You cannot wear a habit.

You're an actress now.

You are playing the part of a waitress

who becomes a big singer.

Well, can't the waitress be a nun?

Sister, I gave up my night club to become your manager, right?

Right. Then you have faith

in my advice, right?

Of course I have faith. I'm a nun.

Be a good girl and cooperate. Okay.

Okay. Then you will wear the evening gown.

Yes.

You will wear the wig.

Yes. And you will leave the cornet

here in the dressing room.

No.

No?

I said I'd cooperate,

not capitulate.

[♪♪♪]

Sister Jacqueline, I'm back.

Well, one could hardly miss you, Sister.

Oh. You must mean this kooky outfit.

It's a costume. I was so excited to get back to the convent

that I didn't stop to change.

Well, judging from all the headlines I've been reading,

I'm sure you've been very busy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I promised Sister Teresa to help her with her work.

You see, since you've been gone,

we've all had to pitch in and work double time.

Uh, Sister, what kind of a welcome is this?

I mean, where's the Rolls-Royce I ordered for the convent?

Oh, we received it,

and the Reverend Mother was very grateful.

Well, then.

She felt a little conspicuous driving a Rolls-Royce

to deliver food baskets to the poor.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Sisters.

Sister Bertrille, what are you doing here?

Well, I live here, don't I?

You're a big celebrity now, Sister.

Your picture's in all the papers.

Why would you want to live here anymore?

You're a big flash in a little muddle.

That's fish in a puddle.

Anyway, everyone seems to think you're Mrs. Wonderful.

Miss Wonderful, if you don't mind. And...

I happen to be the same person

as when I left here a month ago.

Would somebody tell me what's going on here?

Nothing's going on, Sister. We're all working very hard.

I'm teaching some of your classes.

Sister Sixto took over your English class.

You didn't.

You don't have to get in such a puff about it.

Anyway, the Reverend Mother says that my sentence destruction

is the best she's ever seen.

I bet.

"Convent Bertrille"?

What are you doing?

It's a new sign in your honor.

Orders from the higher uppers.

You named it after me. Why did you name it after me?

You are supporting the convent now, Sister.

Furthermore, Sister Bertrille, nuns do not, as a general rule,

wear evening dresses and wigs with their coronets

on television for the whole world to see.

Well, I know this outfit's

a bit spectacular, but--

We can only hope

that the Vatican has poor television reception.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Someone's at your door.

It is probably the pope.

Come in.

Hello, hello, hello.

I'm so glad to be here.

Carlos.

I would have come much sooner,

but I flew the usual way, by plane.

Reverend Mother, I have very exciting news

about Sister Bertrille.

It is a letter from one

of the biggest producers in New York.

He wants her to star in a Broadway musical.

Very interesting.

And I feel certain

that Sister Bertrille will be delighted to accept.

Good. I'm gonna phone him immediately.

Even if...

[♪♪♪]

it means relinquishing her privilege

of becoming a full-fledged nun.

Leave the convent?

If you do not give up this...career,

I shall have to ask you to turn in your coronet.

♪ The golden glint of sunlight Bathes the particles of sand ♪

♪ And a myriad of patterns Are designed ♪

♪ In reverie ♪

♪ I watch the changing colors Of the waves ♪

♪ Break upon the idle seashore Of my mind ♪

♪ And it's a whole new world I see ♪

♪ Oh, yes, a whole new world For me ♪

[♪♪♪]

Whole new world? I don't want a whole new world.

There's no law that says I have to go through with this.

If I'd wanted to be in show business,

I would have taken up tap dancing or something.

Or tried out for glee club.

But it won't be easy.

There's Claudio and Señor Montique.

And that agreement I promised to sign.

Well, I got myself into this mess,

so I'll just have to think of a way to get out of it.

JACQUELINE: It isn't only the Lord who moves in mysterious ways.

So does Sister Bertrille.

Now, if you will just sign here, Sister.

Of course.

Uh, I do have just one

teensy-weensy little favor.

Anything your heart desires.

Anything? Just try me.

Well, about sponsor approval...

Oh, now, don't you worry about that, Sister.

We have the best.

We have, uh, Splitz saltwater taffy--

Taffy? With all that sugar in it?

Oh, it is delicioso.

I'm afraid I'll have to veto Splitz.

What? Why?

Sugar is bad for the teeth.

It gives kids cavities.

Muchocavities.

[GROANING]

Who else do we have?

We have, um, Brograns Bread.

White or whole wheat?

White or whole wheat? Both.

And rye and pumpernickel and--

What difference does it make?

Made with pure butter, I presume?

Naturally. And what is wrong with pure butter?

Speeds up the process of hardening of the arteries.

In children? Our arteries start to harden

from the day we're born. Keep going.

I'm sure we have one sponsor I can approve of.

What about By the Bee coloring book, huh?

What can you say about that? Warmongers.

Warmongers? You should see the things

they give the kids to color.

Tanks and soldiers.

But the-- However, never fear.

All is not lost.

I do have an idea which might counteract

all of these injustices to our children.

I could start each program

with a sermon.

A sermon? That does it.

A sermon, on a comedy show.

A children's comedy show.

I knew you'd like it.

I hate it.

Well, um, maybe you'd like the idea

of finishing with some prayers.

All different religions.

We could have several different prayers--

Sister Bertrille, it is obvious

that this is not going to work out for either of us.

Well, we did have sort of an agreement.

I hate to disappoint the Reverend Mother.

I mean, the convent could use the money.

Ah.

I am a fair man, Sister.

Suppose I were to send a small contribution

to the convent?

Oh, well, I couldn't ask you to do that.

Of course, if you insisted--

I insist. I accept.

Thank you very, very much, señor.

I'll say a prayer for you tonight at mass.

You won't be forgotten.

Nor will you, Sister.

Oh.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, kids. Hey. Everybody listen.

We have a special surprise guest for you today.

KIDS: Who is it?

Sister Jacqueline, bring him out.

Here he is. Señor Tomaso Turkey.

KIDS: Yay!

Here you go. Ooh. Ah.

How's that? Beautiful?

GIRL: Yeah. KIDS: Yes.

JACQUELINE: Sister Bertrille

may have a knack for getting into trouble,

but she also has a knack for getting out of trouble.

And why not? Look who she's got on her side.

♪ ...the fabric Of the infinite unfolds ♪

♪ Free of mushroom clouds That sear the sky above ♪

♪ And, oh, what miracles Abound ♪

♪ Out in the whole New world ♪

♪ I found ♪

[♪♪♪]