01x01 - The Talented Husband

[bunniefuu]

(Unenthusiastic applause)

(Chatter)

h!

Thank heavens
for English theatre bars.

We've had two acts of this play.

Complete suffering
both on stage and off.

I don't know
what your tastes are in theatre.

Maybe you like the, er...

the sweat and the grunt school
of acting.

Me, I come to the theatre for
fun, for laughs, for excitement.

Tonight? Oh, brother...

(Woman) Simon!

Here comes the producer's wife.
What shall I say?

- Excuse me. Oh, darling!
- Madge!

Tell me honestly
what do you think of it.

I can honestly say I've never
seen anything like it before.

Isn't this thrilling? Stay here.
I want you to meet john.

He used to be an actor,
you know?

Yes - yes, I know.

Come, darling. I want you to
meet the most fantastic man.

I told you about him.
john, this is Simon Templar.

- Oh, isn't it heavenly?
- Yes.

- Darling, don't brood.
- What else can I do?

The tasteless stupidity
of the press and the public.

Beautiful play - off in three
days. All that money just gone.

There'll be other plays.

- Shall we have drinks out here.
- All right.

Bit chilly out of the sun.

- Let's pull it forward.
- All right.

- There you are. How's that?
- That's fine.

I have to go to London tomorrow
and solve our domestic problems.

Running this house
without help is madness.

I like it like this.
just the two of us.

Darling, how sweet.
but it's not very practical.

- Hey, you're cold.
- I'm fine, really.

- I'll get you a sweater.
- Thank you.

Madge, catch!

(Scream and crash)

You're doing splendidly,
Mrs Clarron.

Next week you can get up
for a few minutes each day.

Isn't that rushing things?

Not at all. It's time
she got some exercise.

Have you met
your new neighbour yet?

No. Who?

(Doctor) Adrienne Halberd.

She moved into Rose Cottage
next door after your accident.

- I forgot to tell you.
- Oh, really? What's she like?

She's an attractive girl,
wouldn't you say, Mr Clarron?

I wouldn't know. I've only seen
her from a distance.

- See you soon, Mrs Clarion.
- Thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

That nurse I spoke of,
she's free now.

Shall I get her to phone you?

I have a housekeeper
arriving tomorrow.

I hope she works out. You
need help, you look exhausted.

Exhausted, Doctor? Or guilty?

You mustn't blame yourself
for this.

Who do I blame? It was my fault.
Madge might've been k*lled.

But she wasn't k*lled.
In a few weeks she'll be fine.

Have some visitors, ask friends
over. It'll do you both good.

Anyway, I'll pop in again
tomorrow morning.

Doctor Sprague,
if you call too often,

she'll think
she's sicker than she is.

Couldn't we leave it that
if she needs you, I'll phone?

Well, if you prefer it that way.

You said yourself
she's going along splendidly.

She is, but...

If anything goes wrong,
I'll call you immediately.

Thank you very much for what
you've done. We appreciate it.

But you WILL call me
if I can be of help?

Of course, Doctor. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

(Fookstepfi

Dr Sprague says that in six
weeks you'll be as fit as ever.

It's the best day yet.
No pain at all.

I feel so terribly responsible.

It was an accident.
We both know it.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have brought it up.

I've got an idea.

Couldn't we have Margaret
and Frank in for drinks?

We can't rush things. Dr Sprague
said no visitors for two weeks.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

But I can have
a telephone here, can't I?

Phoned the Post Office
again yesterday.

And?

"Yes, sir.
We have your order, sir.

"We'll install an extension
as soon as possible."

But they said that
two weeks ago.

There's bureaucracy for you.

Anyway,
maybe they'll come tomorrow.

Anything in particular
you'd like for lunch?

Oh, what's easiest?

How about some fish?
A nice salad?

There'll be new bread
at the bakery.

Poor darling.

All this cooking and shopping
and looking after me.

Surely there's someone
we can find to help.

I phoned every agency in London.

Domestic help
is simply non-existent.

Anyway,
I enjoy looking after you.

Hello!

Good morning, Adrienne. Pretty.

How's Mrs Clarron?

Hmm? Not too well, I'm afraid.

Oh! john, please let me help.
I've loads of free time.

It's sweet of you, Adrienne.

You've never met Madge.
She's very shy with strangers.

Anyway, a housekeeper's
arriving tomorrow.

That's marvellous.

I hope so. Fifteen years
with one family in Dublin,

or so she says.

Claims she's used to invalids
and loves to cook.

As Irish as they make them.

There you are, Mrs jafferty.
Two pounds of stewing beef.

- On the bill?
- (Irish accent) Please.

Clarrons.
Eight shillings. Stewing beef.

You've been in Cookham
a week, do you like it?

As pretty a town
as you could want.

The Clarrons are fine people.

- Give them my regards.
- Indeed.

I wonder
if you'd do me a favour.

I've got an order for
Miss Halberd of Rose Cottage.

I promised it her for lunch.

I wonder if you'd
drop it off for me.

Sure, Mr Smith.

- That's very good of you.
- You're welcome, Mr Smith.

(Horn)

(Italian accent) Thank you.

Simon Templar! Good to see you.

Mario, good to see you, too.

Like a stone, you drop from
the blue. I can't believe it!

My entire establishment
is yours. Anything you wish.

My bags are in the car outside.

Don't worry,
we'll have them brought in.

And now, what to drink?
A Manhattan? I mix it myself.

At this hour,
a pint from the barrel.

Warm, flat,
nourishing and British.

And what brings you to Cookham?
An adventure? A criminal?

No, after a month in Paris,

I had a crazy bout of nostalgia
for the sight of your ugly puss.

Simon, this is Mario, remember?
You can be honest with me, no?

Why not?

- Can you keep a secret?
- It is like telling a dead man.

- I'm looking for a woman.
- A-ha!

- - .

- Bellissima!
- That's only her head.

Ah! Here we are.

No, that's me stewing beef.

Ah! Here it is at last.

Thanks.
I hope it wasn't a bother.

Not at all, a few yards out
of my way on a day like this.

Mind the eggs.
How's Mrs Clarron?

Well enough,
under the circumstances.

I'd love to come and see her.

Not allowed, miss.

Doctor was very firm about it.
No visitors.

Tell her I was asking about her.

- I will, and good day to you.
- Thanks again.

Oh, you're welcome, miss.

(Knock)

Mrs hfierty?

Mrs jafferty!

(Fookstepfi

(Gasps)

- Hello, Adrienne.
- You scared the life out of me.

I'm sorry.

Mrs jafferty dropped
my meat off on her way home,

and she forgot this.

Oh, you needn't have bothered.

I'm sorry to barge in like this.

I did call Mrs jafferty,
but she didn't answer.

You could never barge in.

Now that I'm here, couldn't I
at least say hello to Madge?

That's sweet of you.
I wish you could.

I'm afraid Mrs jafferty's
bathing her right now.

- Oh!
- You know housekeepers.

What they say goes, otherwise
they go. And then where are you?

OK, then. Some other time.

As soon as she's strong enough,
you'll be the first visitor.

- She's dying to meet you.
- Thanks, john. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who was that?

Oh, just some deliveries.
I ordered champagne for you.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Incidentally, Madge,
I have few bills to pay.

- I'll give you a cheque.
- Thanks.

How much do you want?

Tailor's bill this month.
Better make it three hundred.

- Isn't that rather...
- What?

Well, go ahead.
Go ahead, Madge, say it.

You think it's too much,
don't you?

No, darling. Not at all.

You've every right, of course,
since it is your money.

John, that's cruel.

The truth has a way
of being cruel, hasn't it?

The truth is that you pay
for everything in this house.

The food, the drink,
the car, even my clothes.

It gets a little wearing
after a time.

A man doesn't particularly enjoy
living off a woman.

Is that how you classify me?
I thought I was your wife.

Madge, darling.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

- I think you did.
- No!

It's just that sometimes
I feel... I don't know.

I've never bought you
anything, really.

Just a few flowers,
some chocolates.

You buy your own furs,
jewellery.

You even paid
for your own engagement ring.

John, why does it have to matter
so much to you?

Why can't you accept it? Why
do you think of it as my money?

It's OUR money. This isn't
my house, it's our home.

Of course it is. I'm sorry,
darling. Let's forget it.

All right.

- John? Tell me something.
- What?

Are you happy? With me, I mean.

- What sort of question is that?
- Are you?

Of course. I love you.

- You don't say it very often.
- Well...

Does it embarrass you?

A little, perhaps.

Oh, darling...
Once in a while, tell me.

I love you, Madge. Very much.

Oh, darling...

Sometimes I think if I weren't
married to you, I'd die.

There it is.
A custom-built Manhattan.

Thank you, Mario.

Simon, we are friends, no?

We are friends, yes. Cheers.

But sometimes I feel
I don't know you at all.

I'm not very complicated, Mario.

Like all men, I'm searching
for personal fulfilment.

I won't accept mine by proxy,
that's all.

I don't understand.

Simple. I don't like
being a cog in the machine.

Being one of the million ants
that devour the dragon is noble,

but not as fun
as being Saint George.

With a sword in the hand, a foot
on the neck of the dragon.

And an arm around a fair maiden.

- Sounds cock-eyed?
- Not with that addition.

Apart from looking
at the scenery,

what are you doing in Cookham?
And no jokes, please.

- Hmm?
- What are you doing in Cookham?

What do you know
about a man named john Clarron?

Quite recently, his wife
had a serious accident.

She nearly died.

His other wives had accidents,
too. They did die.

He's been married before?

Twice.
How about another custom-built?

Sure.

This woman coming now
is their housekeeper.

- Oh, what's her name?
- Mrs jafferty.

Mrs Jaffert ?
Yes? y.

- How is Mrs Clarron?
- Would you be knowing her?

You might say I'm a friend
of the family.

I even knew
the former Mrs Clarron.

Would that be the American lady?

Yes, Grace Seldon.
I was engaged to her sister.

Were you now? Fancy that!

You might tell them
I was asking.

- If you tell me your name.
- This is Mr Simon Templar.

Pleased to meet you. I'll be
telling Mr Clarron you asked.

- Goodbye, Mrs jafferty.
- Goodbye, now.

Simon,
you are perhaps incognito.

Did I do wrong
to mention your name?

No, of course not, Mario.

Another Manhattan,
or do you feel like some dinner?

Mr Templar
is having dinner with me.

- I am?
- Well, aren't you?

Yes. Yes, if Mario
will excuse me.

Excuse you? I congratulate you.
I will bring the menu.

That won't be necessary, Mario.
We're dining at my home.

Bring us two Manhattans. On me.

The lady's spoken, Mario.

You issue orders like a general.

You want to argue?

Not with a general
as pretty as you.

However,
sometimes I ask questions.

- Sometimes I answer.
- What's your name?

- Adrienne Halberd.
- We've met before?

You don't remember?

Of course.
It was Paris in the spring.

Central Park in the rain?

- Calgary in Nuchaluk?
- Now you're guessing.

How about
you're a special investigator

for the Majestic
Insurance Company,

and you're in Cookham
for the same reasons I am.

To prevent john Clarron
from murdering his third wife.

Adrienne, that was a superb
dinner, except for one thing.

What?

You. You've shattered my faith.

In what?

Well, in evolution.

You're beautiful, you're gay,
you're amusing, a superb cook.

But you're
an insurance investigator.

Insurance companies
found out years ago

that investigators
could do a lot more

if they didn't look
like investigators.

That's true.

Now, supposing we compare notes
on john Clarron?

All right. What do you know?

He went to a good school where
he didn't get into any trouble.

Then he became an actor.

Then he married
and went to live in Australia.

Where the first Mrs Clarron
fell from the tenth floor

of a Brisbane hotel.

John collected £ , of
insurance, and then came back.

Hmm-hmm.

Then he got involved
in theatre again.

Produced some plays in London.
All of them flopped.

He was virtually bankrupt

when he married American heiress
Grace Seldon.

Yes, I knew her.

- What was she like.
- Like most pretty girls.

Selfish, petulant, spoilt...

but charming.

Anyway, they moved to New York,

and six months later,
Grace was electrocuted.

This time
there was no insurance.

John did inherit a quarter
of a million dollars.

- Very enterprising.
- Very.

Then he came back to England?

Yes,
the same thing started again.

- More plays that flopped.
- I saw his last one.

The day after he married Madge,

john insured her life
for £ , .

And a few weeks ago
she was almost k*lled.

That's why I'm in Cookham.

Adrienne...

There's one thing wrong. I
thought you would've spotted it.

What?

Up to now,
Clarron has worked alone.

Don't you think
it's pretty stupid of him

to clutter this operation
with Mrs jafferty?

Aren't you coming to bed?

Not yet. I've got some work
to do on the new play.

Gilbert has great talent. He's
written a very bad third act.

- You'll fix it, darling.
- I hope so.

It'll be a tremendous success.

You'll be
London's most famous producer.

We said that about the last one.

This one's different.

- You think so?
- I know it!

- Anything you want?
- No.

Good night, sweetie.

I've a hunch that Clarron
is thinking hard tonight.

Why?

He'll either call it off,
or panic and hurry things up.

I don't understand.

It was a predictable reaction
of the ungodly.

I've seen it happen
a thousand times.

Clarron is at the end
of a diving board.

- Any day he'll take the plunge.
- What are you talking about?

I told Mrs jafferty that I was
once engaged to Grace's sister.

I still don't understand.

Grace Clarron
never had a sister.

Leave Cookham - : .

Arrive Maidenhead - : .

Yes. Yes, yes, I know!

But look, Gilbert, dear boy,
yours is not a play of action.

It's a detailed study
of an environment.

I think I've licked
our problem in the third act.

I'd like to talk to you.

OK, can you have dinner
tonight at my club?

Right.
Shall we say seven o'clock?

Fine, fine.
I look forward to seeing you.

Right. Goodbye.

(Fookstepfi

I just phoned Gilbert.
I'm going to meet him.

He'll see things my way now.

I'm sure he will.
What train are you catching?

Three o'clock,
if that's all right?

- Of course.
- We're meeting at seven,

but I'll catch the : back.

I'll leave your supper ready.
What would you like?

Oh, whatever's easiest.

How about a nice lamb stew?

You won't have time to cook it.

It's only ten o'clock. I'll go
to the village for the meat.

John,
don't take so much trouble.

It's no trouble.

I'll be back
in about minutes, dear!

All right, dear!

(Doorbefl)

You were quick.
Oh! Won't you come in?

Thank you, Adrienne.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thanks.
I haven't got the time.

I've got to catch
the : train to London.

How's Madge?

She's better today.
That's why I came.

I've left Mrs jafferty
alone with her.

I've told her
to call you if need be.

I'll pop over after breakfast.

I wouldn't do that.
She's very independent.

Leave them alone, unless
Mrs jafferty telephones.

- OK.
- Thank you. I'm very grateful.

I haven't done anything yet.

- Oh!
- You two have met, haven't you?

Yes.
Hello, Clarron. How are you?

Fine. Well, I must fly.

Am I interrupting something?

No, I have to catch
the : train to London.

- Let me drop you off.
- It's not too much trouble?

Not at all. Keep the coffee hot.

- Bye, Adrienne. Thank you.
- Goodbye.

How's Madge?

- As well as can be expected.
- When can I see her.

What are you doing in Cookham?

- Playing golf.
- Oh.

Seeing Adrienne. When
can I come over and see Madge?

Unfortunately,
she's not allowed visitors.

Yes, I sort of gathered that
from your housekeeper.

Do you know her?

Yes, I met her in the pub.
Didn't she tell you?

She's a great talker.
I don't listen to half of it.

Thank you for the lift,
Mr Templar.

You're welcome.
Staying in town all day?

No, I'm catching the : back.

- Have fun.
- Thank you.

- Good morning.
- Morning, sir.

Thank you.

By the way, you wouldn't know
what platform at Paddington

the : leaves from
this evening?

Blimey, sir.
I wouldn't have the foggiest.

I suppose not. Silly question.

That's all right, sir. We
all ask 'em from time to time.

There y'are, Mrs jafferty.
lb of stewing lamb.

Is that enough for three people?

It's for me and Mrs Clarron.
Himself's gone to London.

- Good day, Mr Smith.
- Good day, Mrs jafferty.

Good morning, miss.

Would you be having
a tin of that rat poison?

The brown stuff
like shoe polish, you know?

We have some.
A oz or oz tin?

- oz will do nicely. How much?
- Three and sixpence.

I'll get you
to sign the poison book.

- That's odd.
- What is?

Mrs jafferty just went in.
I didn't see her go out.

She probably left when you were
driving down to the station.

Probably. You know
what's even more peculiar?

Knowing Mrs jafferty, I can't
believe she didn't tell john

I said I was engaged
to Grace's sister.

The Irish are so unpredictable.

But women aren't.

(Clarron's voice)
I'm back, Madge.

Oh, good, dear!

There we are.

Did you really make me a stew?

Of course I did.

Just light this at : and
it'll be piping hot by : .

Now, let's see.
Magazines, television...

- What about cigarettes?
- I've plenty.

- Anything else you want?
- Only for you to hurry back.

Bye. Mad'?-.

- Have a good day, dear.
- I will.

- Goodbye, darling.
- Goodbye.

- I'll be back by ten, dear.
- All right, darling.

- Bye.
- Bye, darling.

(Door slams)

- Has the three o'clock left?
- Due in two minutes.

Oh, dear! I'm so upset
I hardly know what I'm doing.

It's me sister. She's ill, and
not a soul to look after her.

Oh, dear. This side, madam, yes.

But Mr Clarron, I'm not
interested in these actionless,

pressureless plays
the modern theatre calls honest.

What's your objection
to a plot?

Nothing, Gilbert. But you
haven't written an action play.

What do you make the time?

: .

Go on, Gilbert.
You were saying...

- Adrienne, what time is it?
- Ten to seven.

There's something wrong.
There's something very wrong.

Nothing possibly can happen
to Madge with john in London.

But Mrs jafferty went out
at : and still isn't back.

Madge has been alone
in that house for four hours.

What should we do?

- I'll visit the Clarron ménage.
- Shall I come with you?

No, I'll be back in ten minutes.
Don't worry.

(Muffled TV dialogue)

(Man on TV) 'Your mum hasn't
borrowed any tea for weeks.'

(TV audience laughs)

(Woman on TV) 'She's been
getting it from Mrs Smith.'

(Audience laugh)

(Woman on TV) 'There you are.'
(Man on TV) 'Morning.'

(Woman) 'Good morning.
What are you doing?'

(Man) 'Chopping wood.'
(Woman) 'Not there?!'

(Man) 'l always have!'
(Woman) 'Not any more!'

(Woman)
'You'll crack the concrete.'

( nd man on TV) 'Have you
finished chopping wood?'

(Woman) 'l could get him for
wilful damage.'

(Man)
'l can have 'er for trespass!'

(Woman) 'It's my garden!'
(Man) 'l'm renting it!'

(Man) 'You crack 'er
concrete and I'll crack you!'

(Audience laughs)

(Man on TV) 'You're intrudin'
my fence by hangin' on it.'

(Woman on TV) 'It's 'alf mine!'
(Man on TV) 'You're on my 'alf!'

(Audience laughs and TV fades)

But Gilbert, dear boy,
that is the point.

A message, social significance.

I have no message. I'm incapable
of improving the world.

I just want to entertain
paying customers in the theatre.

If you'd take that attitude,
you might produce a success,

instead of a series
of dismal flops.

If that's how you feel...

I feel you are an untalented,
overblown, professional bore.

I have a train to catch at : .
We've nothing further to say.

My bill, please.

Why, Dr Sprague!
What a pleasant surprise.

Hello, Mr Clarron.

You're prognosis was % right.
Madge is doing splendidly.

Well enough to be left alone?

She's not alone.
I have a housekeeper.

- She's an absolute treasure.
- I'm glad.

She had no references. One hears
terrifying things these days.

Still,
I had to have someone, didn't I?

(Train whistles)

- Could I ask you a favour?
- I'm sure you could.

I was driven to the station.
I don't have my car.

- Can I have a lift?
- It's out of my way.

Only a quarter of a mile.
I'd appreciate it so much.

Well...all right.

...Then he became
absolutely insulting.

I'll never understand writers.

Complete egocentrics,
every one of 'em.

Never think of anybody
but themselves.

Is this me already?
Thank you, Doctor.

Darling?

Madge, dear?

Madge?

Where are you going, Clarron?

Back to Brisbane?

Or New York, to Grace's
apartment on Park Avenue?

It's my wife. She's dead.

Your wives
have a habit of dying.

What are you talking about?

This!

You poisoned your wife.

You're out of your mind.

- Am I?
- I was in London.

- Were you?
- You know I was.

You drove me to the : train.
You saw me get on it.

But you got off it, didn't you?
At the next station up the line!

I did not. I dined with
a writer. He'll vouch for it.

- Will he?
- So will the waiters.

On the train coming home,
I met Dr Sprague.

- He drove me to the door.
- Then who did poison your wife?

It was Mrs jafferty.

I had to take her without
references, I was desperate.

With Madge so ill, I couldn't
look after her and the house.

I don't see why not.

You're a very talented husband.

It was Mrs jafferty.

What possible motive could
she have for k*lling your wife?

Robbery.
She's taken Madge's jewellery.

Go look for yourself.

Her jewel box is broken open.
It's empty.

(Picks up phone)

- Who are you calling?
- The police.

I wouldn't bother. I called
them myself, Mrs jafferty.

- What d'you call me?
- Mrs jafferty.

Granted,
it was a beautiful performance.

You created an identity believed
by all the village tradesmen.

To avoid visitors, you told them
Dr Sprague wouldn't allow it,

so no one could ask questions
about the mythical Mrs jafferty.

Templar, we can work this out.

- Can we?
- Yeah.

There's a £ , insurance
policy on Madge's life.

I'll collect it in a month or
six weeks. I'll give you half.

- £ , .
- All right, I'll make it .

And all the jewellery.
Here, take it.

I'm not interested
in the jewellery. Or the money.

I want you to get
what's coming to you, Clarron.

The first Mrs Clarron,
who fell from the hotel window,

- you pushed her?
- Yes.

- Grace Seldon, in New York?
- Yes.

- And now Madge?
- Yes, yes!

Adrienne?

- Did you get that?
- Every word.

- It was different with Madge.
- How?

I loved Madge. I didn't love the
others, but I did love Madge.

You know, john...

I believe you did.

Just a minute, sir.

Thanks for getting here
so quickly, Inspector.

You probably didn't hear that,

but Miss Halberd has
a verbatim transcript.

John, Why?

What did I do wrong?

(Sobbing)

Madge.

Madge.

L-I loved him.

I loved him. (Sobs)

Even when you were telling me
the whole horrible story,

so I wouldn't eat the poison,

that's all I could think of -

how much I loved him.

Oh, Simon!
Why didn't you let me die?

Because I know that, in time,
you'll feel differently,

and you'll want
very much to live.