03x11 - Herbie

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


[ Michael sembello's "maniac" plays ]


Hey!


Have a drink, gertrude.


Hi, honey.


Hi, nell.


This exercise is supposed to take off weight.


Minutes to the pound, like roasting a turkey.


[ Music stops ]


Nell, this is kind of important.


Here's a letter from school.


Thank you.


♪ Maniac, maniac on the floor ♪


Samantha!


Don't you go out that door!


Don't you go up those steps!


Get away from that closet!


Get in here!


How'd you know what I was doing?


I'm an expert on running for my life.


Occasionally, I used to bring letters like this


Home to my mama.


In that case, you'll understand.


In that case,


You are dumber than the teacher says you are.


My mama didn't understand,


And this mama doesn't understand.


Nell -- no, listen.


You're daydreaming in class, not doing your homework.


For the past three weeks,


You've been acting the same way around this house.


There has to be a good reason.


Now, what is it?


We're all gonna die, nell.


That is not a good reason.


Now, you have been acting moody


Ever since we had that little earthquake last month.


That little earthquake was only the beginning, nell.


The big one's on the way,


And then everybody's gonna be dead.


That's no excuse for being moody.


Well, if I'm gonna be dead,


Why should I care about school?


I'm gonna live every day as if it's my last.


Squeeze a lifetime of living into whatever I've got left,


Just like herbie says I should.


Oh, herbie.


He says we have to live before we die.


Just what is herbie's idea of living?


Well, I've never been to the taj mahal.


I've never seen the great wall of china.


I've never made love.


I've never flown a jet that's broken the sound barrier.


Whoa! Back up.


Back up?


Yep, right between the great wall of china


And breaking the sound barrier.


You mean, I've never made love?


That's the one.


Has herbie been talking to you about you-know-what?


All the time.


How old is he?


My age -- .


You tell that -year-old lech


To go to the north pole.


It's a great experience, and it will cool him down.


Herbie's not a lech! He's a philosopher.


Oh, a philosopher.


He says we have to face reality.


If it isn't an earthquake, it'll be nuclear w*r,


Radiation, or pollution.


Did you know right here in this town,


We're drinking polluted water?


We are not.


It's in the reservoir. Chemical spills.


We're all gonna die.


A slow, slimy, green death,


Where your skin gets all yucky and --


Yeah, okay, right. Look, look, look.


Honey, the city health department


Has tested that water,


And they say it's all right.


Now, I want you to do your homework,


Stop worrying about w*r, pollution,


Earthquakes, and you-know-what.


[ Rumbling ]



Nell, do you feel something?


Shh, shh, shh.


It's just a truck passing by.


[ Rumbling intensifies ]


I think the truck hit the house!


No, don't worry, honey! It's only an earthquake!


Nell, do something!


What do you want me to do, sing "san francisco"?


Shh! Shh!


It's all right.


Shh, shh.


[ Rumbling stops ]


It's all right, honey, see?


See, it was just a tremor.


Everything is gonna be all right.


Herbie's right. We're all gonna die!


We're all gonna die!


We're all gonna die! No one's ever --


I'm sorry. I didn't mean to slap you.


But, see, you slap people to snap them out of their panic.


I would want you to slap me --


After I panic.


Go do your homework.


What for?


Herbie knows more than you do.


You're the one that told me not to worry about earthquakes,


And we just had one.


God, I have been your faithful servant,


But you got a lot to learn about timing.


[ Doorbell buzzes ]


♪ San francisco, open your...


[ Doorbell buzzes ]


♪ San francis--


Will you look at this mess?


[ Doorbell buzzes ]


Coming!


Oh, wendy, come on in.


The way my house just shook,


I thought I was gonna have the baby.


Sit down and make yourself comfortable.


Oh, sure. Easy for you to say.


You didn't have to waddle across the street.


Let me get you a glass of milk.


How many days are you overdue?


Six.


I feel like I'm gonna give birth to an elephant.


Well, good luck with the pampers.


I cannot wait to go into labor.


I'm really excited about natural childbirth.


Larry's gonna be there with me in the room


When the baby's born.


That's only right.


My mama said whoever's responsible


For the turkey in the oven


Should be there for thanksgiving dinner.


Oh, the reason I came over --


Our water man didn't show up today.


I thought you might have an extra bottle.


We do. I'll get the chief to bring it over to you.


Oh, thanks a lot.


I don't want to take any chances.


There's a possibility our reservoir is polluted.


That's what herbie says.


Ooh! Oh.


The baby's kicking.


Come here. You want to feel dumbo?


Yeah.


Ooh, you sure he's not wearing army boots?


Hiya, sam.


You want to feel the baby?


No. Why not?


Because I'm against bringing babies into this dying world.


You'll never see me pregnant.


That's the best news I've heard all day.


You shouldn't feel that way about babies, sam.


Yeah, honey, giving birth


Has to be the greatest miracle of all.


It gives us hope for the future.


Why hope?


There is no future in a world of earthquakes,


Contamination, and acid rain.


We need the acid rain to wash away the toxic smog.


Now go clean up the living room.


Why? The earthquake did it.


And there's gonna be another one any minute.


Uh...


I want to apologize for samantha.


I understand. It's a tough age.


I better...be going home.


Let me help you, okay?


Listen, don't forget about the water, okay?


Now, you be careful waddling across the street.


I apologized to wendy for you.


You didn't have to.


Having a baby now is stupid.


You know, I hope she has a boy --


A big boy.


And when he turns years old,


I'm gonna tell him what you said


And stand and watch him whup your butt.



You don't understand, nell. You just don't understand.


Stop it. I do understand.


Listen, since the world began,


People have been predicting the end of it.


That's nothing new.


I mean, I sometimes felt that way myself


When I was your age.


What did you do about it?


I went to my mama.


She would sit me in her lap, and she would open the music --


Hey, let me get the old music box.


She would take the old music box,


And she would sit in a rocking chair.


She would sing to me, and I would sit on her lap.


You want to sit on my lap?


I'm years old, nell.


I keep forgetting how grown-up you are.


Mmm mmm mmm.


[ Civilla d. Martin's "his eye is on the sparrow" plays ]


♪ Why should I feel discouraged? ♪


♪ And why should the shadows fall? ♪


♪ Why should my heart be lonely ♪


♪ And yearn for heaven and home? ♪


♪ When jesus is my fortress


♪ And a constant friend is he


♪ For his eye is on the sparrow ♪


♪ And I know he watches over me ♪


♪ His eye is on the sparrow


♪ Yes, and I know he watches over me ♪


Sweetheart?


Sam?


Sam?


Yes?


Feel better?


Yes.


I know I always did.


Baby, I want you to get off my lap


Because you're heavy.


Look, why don't you go...


Find something to get your mind off the bad things.


Go relax, okay?


Okay. Thanks.


I'll go feed gertrude.


That's my girl.


I'll put fresh water in her fishbowl.


Oh, I already did that.


Nell? Yes, honey?


Gertrude doesn't need feeding.


Oh, isn't she hungry?


No, she's dead.


Herbie's right. The city water is polluted.


Poor gertrude.


She never had a herbie, either.


Dad, do you think


Christie brinkley is really pretty?


Nah.


But I like him on the news.


I need somebody to run down to the market,


And you better go now.


I just heard on the radio we're gonna have a storm,


And I don't want you caught in it.


[ Doorbell rings ] get that.


Where's joey?


Oh, he's spending the night with eddie bass.


[ Doorbell ringing ]


I'll get that.


Hiya, nell.


Chief, it's either officer simpson


Or a very tall nun.


We're needed out there, chief.


The storm's getting closer, and the bridge washed out.


Simpson, glen lawn doesn't have a bridge.


We do now.


North glen lawn reported their bridge washed out,


And I got a feeling it might be the same bridge.


All right, all right. I'll get right on it.


Oh, I wouldn't if I was you, chief.


It's still moving down the river.


Gonna be a long night.


After you, sister simpson.


May the lord bless you.


You know, sam is gonna freak when that storm hits.


I know. The poor baby.


She really believes we're on the eve of destruction.


Well, you know, she may be right.


But she's got to realize it's so important for us


To cherish what we have while we're still here --


Great books, fine art,


Classical music, public television.


Boring.


As far as I'm concerned, chacun à son goût.


That's french for "each to his own taste."


I knew that.


Come on. You're still working on pie a la mode.


Girls, come on.


Finish your french lesson on the way to the market.


I don't want you to get caught in the storm.


Come on. Move it.


Can't she go alone?


Look, if it rains, it'll ruin my hair.



I wouldn't worry about it, sweetheart.


Let's go. Move it.


Hurry back.


Girls!


You for-- yep, girls!


[ Telephone rings ]


I'll get it, nell.


Hello?


Oh, hi, herbie.


Yes, I know the storm's on the way.


I heard about the bridge.


What?


Your parents are out of the house?


But, herbie...


Herbie.


No, herbie, of course I don't want you to die alone.


Okay.


Yes, romeo.


Your juliet understands.


Ciao.


You're in the kitchen.


Where you going?


I'm going... To bury my fish.


Well, while you're out burying your fish,


You can bury that dumb story.


Where you going?


I said I was gonna go --


You were going over to herbie's, weren't you?


And you're not stopping me.


You want to bet?


Nothing stopped romeo and juliet.


Herbie said that they were only years old,


And they died in each other's arms.


You make a move for that door, you'll die in my arms.


The lady that took care of juliet


Even helped her to get to romeo.


Juliet had a dumb white woman from verona.


You got a hip black woman from alabama.


You don't care about me.


Don't you tell --


Don't tell me I don't care about you!


You get to that phone, and you call that romeo,


And you tell him you're not coming over there.


Move it, samantha!


The phone's dead.


Give me the phone.


It is dead.


Everything's dead.


First gertrude, now the phone.


[ Thunder rumbling ]


This whole dumb world's gonna blow up,


And I'll be the only virgin hurtling through space!


[ Doorbell ringing ]


One minute! I'm coming, I'm coming!


Whoo, wendy! Wendy, are you all right?


I tried to call my husband, but our phone is dead.


So is ours. Come sit down.


I've been having contractions.


On second thought, let me get you to the hospital.


Is there time?


Oh, yeah, honey. Let me get the car.


I hope you have a car seat for the baby!


Samantha, get down here! I need your help!


Now don't panic.


I'm not panicking.


Not you, honey -- me.


Now is the time to slap my face!


I want you to lie down, okay?


Now, don't plop. Lie.


All I can do is plop.


Well, then plop easy.


Here, here.


You all right? You sure you're okay?


Yeah, this one's over.


Now, how is the baby?


The baby's okay? Samantha --


Thank you.


What's going on?!


She's gonna have a baby.


Here?! What do we do?!


I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies,


Miss scarlett!


Will you just please calm down?


I know what to do.


First you relax, then you take short, quick breaths.


[ Breathing quickly ]


Nell, not you -- me.


Oh, okay.


Uh, uh...


I'm gonna go wash my hands.


Hurry, nell!


Oh, sam, hold my hand.


You know, I'm glad the baby's gonna be born here.


It's important for a baby to feel love


When it first comes into the world.


And this house has a lot of love.


Oh.


Nell, hurry up!


Okay, wendy, I'm ready! Let's have it.


[ Wind howling ]



Boy!


How could nell send two kids out on a night like this?


Well, the way I look at it --


Never mind, katie.


[ Baby crying ]


What was that?


It sounds like a baby.


Nell must be watching "st. Elsewhere."


Oh, wendy, he's so handsome.


[ Baby fussing ]


What a rotten, miserable night, huh, sam?


[ Baby cries ]


You're wrong, julie.


It's the most beautiful night of my life.


Is that for wendy's new baby?


Mm-hmm.


What are you knitting him, a pair of booties?


No. A ski mask.


I thought I'd get him started early in a life of crime.


Guess what.


The baby smiled at me today.


Babies don't smile. That's gas.


He smiled.


Listen to your father. He knows gas.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello?


Oh, hi, herbie.


What?


Really?


Hold on.


Herbie says a horde of k*ller bees just left peru,


And they're heading for california.


He wants me to come to his house until they arrive.


You don't need me for that, herbie.


Call your exterminator.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break