02x15 - The Centerfold: Part 2

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♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Chief!


Simpson!


Come and get it -- breakfast!


Simpson.


I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.


Well, why not?


After all, you are what you eat.


Hey, chief, where is your father?


His bran flakes are getting all soaked,


And his prunes are getting wrinkled.


He's upstairs, looking for his glasses,


So he can find his teeth.


The girls have breakfast yet?


No, they're upstairs, getting ready for school.


Still? They've been up there all morning.


Well, that's because they're girls.


All boys have to do is spit, splash,


And zip off to school.


Here.


Oh, boy, look at that --


Scrambled eggs and onions,


Canadian bacon, and english muffins --


All my favorites, nell.


Well, dig in.


Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh-unh. Not you, chief. Here.


There's your two boiled eggs and your parsley.


You're on a diet.


You know...


Canadian bacon is so scrumptious.


But you know what's a funny thing?


You never think about a canadian pig.


I mean, you got your canadian mooses,


Your canadian geeses,


Even canadian beavers.


But canadian pig --


Just don't sound right, huh?


Simpson, would you like to see the sports section?


Sure.


Where would you like it -- in your mouth?


[ Doorbell rings ]


I'll get it.


I'll help you.


You can't leave me alone in there with him, nell.


Oh, relax, simpson.


His bark is much worse than his bite.


It's the frothing at the mouth that scares me.


[ Doorbell ringing ]


It's that pain in the butt swackhammer.


Tell me -- why does it take three rings of the doorbell


For you to answer?


Do you see the welcome mat there, neighbor?


Yes.


Wipe your tongue on it and start all over.


[ Doorbell ringing ]


What do you want?


I want to speak to chief kanisky.


What's going on?


Aha.


I assume you have seen this.


Joy girl?


No, I haven't.


It's not exactly on my reading list.


Oh, this month's issue is out already, huh?


Yes, oh, dim one.


What are you doing with that?


Maybe he's the foldout --


Gasbag of the month.


Ordinarily, I wouldn't be caught dead near that filth,


But the rumors were all over the neighborhood this morning.


First, mrs. Judd told mrs. Atkinson.


She's the lady with the bumper sticker that says,


"One if by land, two if bisexual."


Anyway, if you turn to the "joy girl of the month" section,


You'll find someone you see every day.


You're kidding.


My mother wouldn't have the guts.


[ Gasps ]


It's patrolman mary beth.


[ Chuckles ]


I can't believe it.


It is mary beth.


Oh, come now.


One of your own policewomen poses naked in a magazine,



And you don't know anything about it?


Of course he knows.


The chief has his finger on everything.


Let me rephrase that.


She's barefoot all the way up.


I never seen anything like this.


You just haven't been lucky, chief.


Dirty, dirty, dirty.


Even venus de milo covered her shame,


And she did it the hard way --


Without arms.


Damn it. The whole department's gonna suffer because of this.


When policewomen start stripping naked,


It's time for the public to go into action.


Yes, you should start a whole protest group


And call them "pinheads for purity."


How could she pull such a cheap, rotten trick?!


She's a disgrace to the uniform.


What uniform?


All I see is a photograph of a very pretty girl.


I mean, what's the problem?


A police officer should wear something


Besides a badge and a birthmark.


You know, if that was the national geographic,


You wouldn't give it a second thought.


Those are people from the underdeveloped countries.


Mary beth doesn't have that problem.


Come on, chief.


I mean, not everybody reads that magazine.


Give me that!


Dad, have you seen this month's issue


Of joy girl magazine?


How did you find out about this?


Barbara wilson called this morning.


Her father lets her read this stuff?


Actually, it's her father's magazine.


Well, isn't it incredible about mary beth?


I don't want you girls looking at naked women.


Thank goodness.


I'll never have to take another shower.


Come on, dad.


The centerfold of the month is a great honor.


Dad, there's tremendous competition,


And you really have to be something special.


I mean, if I was asked, I'm not sure what I'd say.


Oh, I know what you'd say.


You'd say that "my father's licensed to carry a g*n,


And he might sh**t you."


Oh, listen to this, you guys.


"Every night,


"This cuddlesome cop hits the books,


Studying for her detective exams."


Detective? Ha!


With her chest,


She couldn't even find her shoes.


I suppose you think this is a great honor, too, huh?


No, dad.


I think what she did was pretty stupid.


All it does is encourage men


To keep treating women as sex objects.


On the other hand,


I'd say if mary beth wants to let men exploit her body,


That's her god-given right.


If god had wanted women to run around naked,


He would have made men nearsighted.


Come on, julie. Let's get out of here.


Chief, you ought to give the girls a little credit.


They have seen boobs before.


How do you know that?


They've seen you, and they've seen simpson --


That's two right there.


Let's go, simpson.


I got to have a little word or two with mary beth.


Hey, carl, since you know her,


Would it be too forward to ask her


To autograph my trusts?


Hey, chief, when you do talk to the girl,


Just try to keep an open mind.


Oh, he's always had an open mind.


You can look in one ear and see out the other.


[ Door closes ]


Hey, you're my kind of cop there, mary beth.


Mary beth, let's you and me commit a moving violation.


Every time I look at you, my siren goes off -- mmm!


Mary beth, you ought to be in pictures.


All right, knock it off!


Mary beth, I want to see you.


I already have.


Didn't you hear me?! I said, "knock it off"!


In my office -- now.


Hiya, mary beth.


Hello, ralph.


Don't worry.


His froth is worse than his bite.


Chief close the door.


Now, just what is this?


Take it easy, chief.


You got your finger on my belly button.


Just a joke.


Joy girl.



How could you be in a magazine like this?


Well, I tried field & stream,


But they had a foldout of a red snapper.


I want an explanation.


Okay. About two months ago,


A guy from joy girl magazine called me.


He said he had a snapshot of me,


And would I like to pose for them?


How he got my picture and phone number,


I have no idea.


But I really needed the money.


Your mother was sick --


You needed the money for an operation?


No, I used the money for a down payment


On a new porsche.


You mean that you posed naked for a sports car?


Well, it's all they asked me to do.


Well, when people see a police officer


Naked in a magazine,


How do you suppose they can respect


The police department?


Well, chief, if they can respect a president


Who makes movies with monkeys,


They can respect anybody.


What you did was wrong, it was stupid,


And it was morally disgusting.


Now, wait a minute, chief.


That's not fair. I'm a good cop.


I'm a damn sight better than a lot of the clowns


You've got working around here.


Besides, what I do on my own time


Is my own business.


That should be the end of it.


Since you're so fond of taking off your clothes,


Turn in your uniform.


You're fired.


Fired?


You heard what I said -- you're fired.


Chief, you can't do that.


Law enforcement's my life. It's all I know.


Go get a job as a security guard


In a nudist camp.


Hey, look, I have my rights, too, you know?


I mean, you can't just fire someone


Over a difference of opinion!


Chief, I have seniority. I have a good record.


I have years into my pension plan.


I'm gonna go to the civil review board.


I'm gonna get my job back,


'Cause I'm not gonna take this lying down.


Why not? It seems to be your favorite position.


That's very funny, chief.


Let's see if the civil review board laughs


When you fall flat on your face!


To mary beth. Both mary beth.


All right, I want to know who put this in my bed!


I also want to know who wrote "rehire mary beth"


In lipstick in my bathroom.


I had to soak in my tub for minutes


Before I could get it off my bottom.


[ Sighs ]


Look, I don't say that you don't have a right


To your own opinion,


But this has gone on long enough.


Now, what do you say we call a truce, huh?


I smell bacon.


Can I have some?


Sure...


As soon as you find a pig and a sharp knife.


Katie...


How about rustling me up some breakfast, huh?


Sorry, dad.


All right, now, cut it out.


I've had about enough of this nonsense.


You're wrong about mary beth. Can't you see that?


Absolutely.


It's as plain as the bubble in your head.


You're hungry?


Here's a box of stale choco-bits.


Come on, girls. You got to go to school.


Choco-bits --


The breakfast of sissies.


[ Doorbell ringing ]


The doorbell is ringing.


Congratulations.


Your ears work.


Now try blowing your nose.


Pop.


Oh, shizatski. It's you.


I thought you'd be out, putting diapers on dogs.


Nell, looky here.


We got more signatures for mary beth.


Great. That's good.


Now, between you, me, katie, and julie,


We got over names on the petition.


People don't know what they're signing these days.


I only had one real problem all morning,


With that stuffed shirt that lives next door.


Oh, swackhammer?


Yeah.



With him, I had a close encounter


Of the ugly kind.


What happened?


When I asked for his signature,


He, uh, he called mary beth a trollop.


What's a trollop?


Uh, that's a streetcar named desire.


Listen, nell, be serious.


I don't want you taking sides with a loose woman


In front of my innocent daughter.


Come on, dad.


Mary beth's not loose, and we're not innocent.


Well, she's not.


Julie, why don't you call oscar mayer


And donate your body to sausage?


Listen, chief, this is the th century.


People have gone to the moon.


Why don't you join them?


That's all right. Laugh, all of you.


But I got a job to do, and I'm gonna do it.


Nobody is gonna make a laughingstock out of me.


Together rehire mary beth!


Rehire mary beth!


Ladies, I told you


The station house is out of bounds.


Woman turncoat!


Traitor!


Sexist pig!


It's for you, chief.


Ladies, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.


Now, please, go peacefully, huh?


We don't want to use force on you nice ladies.


Together hell, yes, we'll undress!


Hell, yes, we'll undress!


Hell, yes, we'll undress!


Boy, things are really popping around here today.


Besides the lady pickets,


The phones have been ringing off the hooks,


And we are getting telegrams


From all over the country, chief.


Hey, look at this.


Chief, jane fonda.


Ooh!


She hates your guts.


Gloria steinem --


She thinks you're an oink-oink.


Dr. Renee richards.


Dr. Renee richards -- who's that?


Oh, well, he --


I mean, she was a man


Who wanted to be a woman.


So she --


I mean, he went to have an operation


To change her --


I mean, him into a her.


What I'm trying to say is,


I think he went to sweden for a transmission exchange.


Why would anybody want to do that?


Maybe he got tired of picking up the check.


They ought to put out an apb for your brain.


[ Gasps ]


Chief, the guys from the channel news team


Are here again.


Okay, dave, that's good there. Just fine.


You got my good side?


I got the best side there is.


My new haircut look okay?


The tie straight?


Perfect, but your fly's down.


We're live, hamilton.


Hi, there.


This is hamilton storm, your roving reporter.


We're here in the glenlawn police station,


Talking to chief carl kanisky,


Who's been accused of being a redneck, r*cist,


Chauvinist bigot.


Your reaction, chief?


Stop it, hamilton.


We pause for this commercial message.


All right, chief, we're off now.


I mean, lighten up, huh? I mean, this is a big story.


Get picked up by the network.


Now, let me ask you some in-depth stuff,


Like, uh, what's mary beth's measurements?


Well, her waist is about the same side as your neck,


But it's hard for me to tell


Unless I get my hands around it.


Come on, chief. Give me something.


I heard some mystery man,


Some person or persons unknown


Sent mary beth's picture to that magazine.


Yeah.


And if I ever find that degenerate, I'll k*ll him.


Oh, that's great, chief!


v*olence, sex, nudity, m*rder --


Everything you could ask for in the news.


What are you doing?


Simpson.


What, chief? What are you doing?


Oh, I got to listen to the radio.



Mary beth's got an interview on the news.


Put that away.


What did you say? I can't hear you, chief.


Put it away!


Coming in loud and clear, chief.


Chief kanisky.


Chief kanisky!


Yeah?


Are you chief kanisky?


Yes, ma'am. What can I do for you?


Simpson, arrest that woman!


But i-i can't, chief.


That's my mother.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello?


Yes, this is chief kanisky.


Yes, ma'am.


Oh, you've heard about my stand on the centerfold issue,


And you admire my position?


You've never seen a man with his head between his --


What?


Well, same to you, madam.


[ Knock on door ]


[ Indistinct shouting ]


What?


Chief.


Chief.


I'm really sorry to disturb you,


But I got this guy outside


That is demanding to talk to you.


Get rid of him.


Well, I would,


But he chained himself to vogel's desk.


Hey!


Come on! The chief will be out in a minute!


Take it easy!


All right, fella,


What in the hell do you think you're doing?


You carl kanisky?


In person.


Simpson, cut this idiot loose and throw him in a cell.


That's your solution -- you're gonna put me in jail?


Why don't you just fire me,


Like you fired mary beth sinclair?!


That's none of your damn business!


Kanisky, if it was up to you,


All the beauty in this world would be destroyed!


If it was up to me, you'd be up in the tree


With the rest of the squirrels.


I can't find the bolt cutters.


Why don't I just sh**t the lock off?


The ricochet probably won't hit too many people.


There he is, ladies and gentlemen,


The man you've all heard about.


He really is chained to a desk.


How would you like me to chain your lip to the floor?


Wait a minute, chief.


Now, this man has something he wants to tell,


And it's my duty as a reporter to tell his story.


Yes!


People who destroy beauty deserve to die


In an ugly, ugly way,


And there's nothing quite as ugly


As the sight of blood and brains all over a police-station wall,


Which is exactly how it's gonna be here


In the next minutes,


When I blow you and your station to bits!


It's hard to find your ears


When your eyes are blown out of your head!


[ Ticking ]


Damn!


I left my pencil back in the newsroom.


I'll be right back.


Hey!


Nobody moves, or I blow us all sky-high right now!


[ Ticking continues ]