01x18 - An Unmarried Couple

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


The news this evening focuses on... Look at all that hair ted koppel has. Index ,…}


Is that a man under that hair?


Girl, I thought that was a sheepdog reading the news.


Hey, samantha, come on, fatso. Get up. Get up.


It's time to go to bed. You, too, julie.


[ Knock on door ]


Who could that be?


Well, either your father forgot his keys


Or billy dee williams finally came to his senses.


It's valerie.


Hi!


Valerie! God, good to see you!


You, too.


Let me take your coat.


Thanks.


How are you?


Oh.


Never mind. I can see how you are.


Boy, are you fat.


She's pregnant, dummy.


Either that or she's smuggling beach balls.


That's great. I'm gonna be an aunt.


Yep.


Val, you'll be a great mother. Come on in and sit down.


I can't believe you're here.


It's really great, but you know what really tees me off?


What?


I wasn't invited to the wedding.


Neither was i.


I've got this crazy feeling


That you and katie and nell would like to be alone.


Maybe it's because I'm pulling on your bathrobe.


Thanks, jul.


Sure.


Valerie, how did this happen?


Look, I know you're not gonna believe this,


But on my way home one night, I got mugged by this stork.


Come on. I mean when? Who was it?


You remember my boyfriend, jonathan?


Oh, yeah. Sure.


Your parents told katie you were away at boarding school.


I moved in with jonathan after they threw me out.


Your parents threw you out?


I never dreamed this would happen.


Oh, honey, those are famous last words,


Right up there with, "oh, don't worry, mr. Lincoln,


I hear it is a great play."


My folks aren't talking to me.


His folks aren't talking to him.


He's trying to get through school


And keep his job at the grocery store.


What does he do in his spare time?


Uh, oh, I see.


I just don't want to marry someone


Who's doing it 'cause he thinks he has to.


So you left him, huh?


Yeah, tonight.


I was wondering if you could lend me


A couple bucks for cab fare.


I'm a little short right now. Wide but short.


Of course I will.


Thanks.


Honey, why would you need cab fare?


I'm gonna be staying at a motel on eighth street.


A motel? Forget it. Look, you're staying right here.


I've got a rollaway bed in my room.


Thanks, but --


No, no, no. Katie is right.


You're looking at two very beautiful, stubborn women.


You guys are the best.


We know that.


Good morning.


Morning.


How'd you sleep?


On my back.


Nell, we're out of napkins.


That's just great.


Now I got to cover your daddy's belly with a beach blanket.


I'll just run down to the corner and pick up some more, okay?


I'll go with you.


I'll protect you from the boxboy.


While you're there, would you buy some animal crackers?


Your daddy's always in a good mood



When he's biting the head off a tiger.


Bye.


Bye.


What's all the --


Hey! Look who's back in town.


How are you, valerie?


I'm just fine, mr. Kanisky.


It's good to see you again.


You know, it's been a long time since I saw you last.


What have you been doing?


Oh, just hanging out.


I've never liked a lot of katie's friends,


But I always liked you.


Oh, thanks.


Can I get you some coffee?


Oh, yeah. Thank you.


You're thoughtful, you're polite,


You're respectful.


You know, katie, you could do a lot worse


Than to try to be a little bit more like val--


Valerie...


Are you gonna have a baby?


Yeah, mr. Kanisky. I'm gonna have a baby.


Hey, that's terrific.


You think so?


Well, of course I do. Congratulations.


Well, thank you.


Your husband is one lucky man.


Uh, dad --


Hey, come on. Get off your feet.


Mr. Kanisky, there's something I should probably say.


You know, I really envy your father and your mother.


They must be pleased as anything


To know that a little grandchild is on the way.


Boy, you women get so moody when you're pregnant.


You should try it yourself sometime.


Valerie's poor husband is gonna have a handful.


Chief...


Valerie doesn't have a husband.


What?


Valerie's not married.


Aw, the poor kid.


How long has she been a widow?


Valerie's not a widow.


Divorced?


Separated?


You mean that little baby's gonna be a --


Any day now.


I don't believe it.


I don't believe it.


I just don't believe it!


Chief, chief, chief, chief, chief.


What do I have to do to prove it to you,


Let you shake the baby's hand?


What the hell has happened to that girl?


Do you want me to draw you a diagram?


If she'd used the diagram, she wouldn't be pregnant.


Chief, she's just a nice kid --


A nice kid who's going to have a baby.


Where's the father?


Okay, they had a fight and broke up.


Yeah, they couldn't have made w*r first and then love,


And we wouldn't have been in this mess.


I wonder what her poor mom and dad feel about all this.


Well, they threw her out.


Well, they had no choice. She committed a sin.


Chief, everybody makes a mistake.


Look, I came to work for you.


A pregnant woman shouldn't be here,


Not with my innocent teenage girls.


Well, um, I got news for you.


We told her she could stay.


Absolutely not! No chance!


No way! No how!


Thank you for your vote. You lose - .


Why don't you show everybody what a nice guy you are


And give the girl a helping hand?


All right. All right.


She can stay, at least for a while.


You know, chief,


If I thought you were strong enough to handle it,


I would kiss you.


A little while.


What's the story about this baby? Who's the father?


Well, his name is jonathan grant, I think,


And, uh, they were living together.


And the creep refuses to marry her, huh?


No, I think what jonathan wanted --


I know what jonathan wants. You don't have to tell me.


He wants to fool around


Without shouldering any of the responsibility.


Chief, please don't start one of your sermons


On what's wrong with the kids of today.


What the hell is wrong with these kids today?


It's all that rock 'n' roll and -- and that pac-man


And those designer jeans.


I'll tell you what.


I'd like to meet this -- this -- this jonathan guy.


I'd give that punk a good lecture about morality


And responsibility and basic humanity.



And then I'd tear his head off.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Yeah?


I hope I'm not disturbing you. I'm jonathan grant.


Is valerie here?


Why do I feel like someone just put a match in a gas t*nk?


So, you're jonathan? Hi, jonathan. I'm nell.


[ Laughs ] uh, this is chief kanisky, katie's father.


Pleased to meet you.


I wouldn't bet on it. Take it easy, chief.


I sent the electric chair out to be cleaned.


Val is upstairs.


I can't promise you anything,


But I will tell her that you are here.


Thank you. I appreciate that.


Oh, could you bring her these?


Oh, how nice. Flowers.


No, no. They're carrots and broccoli and leaf spinach.


They're good for the baby.


Aw, what are you having, a -pound rabbit?


[ Chuckles ]


Oh, chief, see if he wants some coffee.


[ Chuckles ]


You want coffee?


If it's no trouble.


No trouble. It's over there.


You know, I'm really glad


That I was finally able to find valerie.


Yeah, well, in her condition, she's pretty big to hide.


Excuse me, sir,


But, uh, did I say or do something to offend you?


Yeah. I think you're a louse for not marrying valerie.


Right.


A phony, worthless, irresponsible bum.


I agree.


You don't think much of yourself, do you?


See, mr. Kanisky, I want to marry valerie.


Talked you into it, huh?


Jonathan.


Jonathan, what are you doing here?


Val, listen, I want to talk.


We talked last night.


No, no. No. We yelled and we hollered last night.


Oh, yeah. Katie.


There's a bulb that's burnt out in the kitchen, chief.


Could you two help me change this bulb?


Oh, yeah. The kitchen.


Yeah.


Listen, val, I want to get married.


No. Listen to me.


There's nothing more to say.


Jonathan, my mind is made up.


Valerie --


I have to do what I think is right.


And what about what I think is right?


Could we have a minute alone?


Yeah, yeah, sure.


I always like to eat on the run.


Come on, nell.


Bring your nose into the living room.


What's going on?


We're doing the conga. Join the line.


Listen, val,


I want us to be married when our child is born.


Sure, so we can be miserable and then get divorced?


Forget it. I am not gonna screw up three lives.


Me and the baby will be just fine.


Don't worry about it.


Val, will you listen to me?


No, you listen! You always do all the talking!


Do you mind?


Dad, why are we playing musical rooms?


Valerie, I cannot believe how stubborn you are being.


I am not being stubborn. My mind is made up.


There's nothing you can say to change it.


And I call that stubborn. And pigheaded.


Pigheaded?


I can't believe the way you talk to me!


I have nothing more to say.


False alarm.


Valerie, you're making this very difficult for me.


That is just like you. You always think about yourself.


Hold it!


Don't you move a muscle.


You, come with me.


Sit.


Listen, honey.


You are wearing the mop & glo off of my floor.


Do you know what you just said?


"We got to get married. We should get married."


So?


In all your talking, your arguing,


And your proposing, I never once heard the word "love."


Nobody's gonna tell me that I don't love valerie.


She knows how I feel.


Don't you tell me, honey. You tell her.


Well, you know that, don't you?


I guess I know.


It's just... You never say it anymore.


I guess I just assumed.



Look, val, I want us to live together as man and wife.


A dollar says he forgets to get down on one knee.


You got a bet.


Val, I love you.


All right. Double or nothing on the kid's weight.


Will you and the kid marry me?


Well, you look so stupid, how could I say no?


Nellcongratulations!


Oh!


If it's a boy, name it julius, okay?


Now that all that's settled,


We'll go to city hall tomorrow and get married.


Wait, wait. Wait. Wait. City hall?


Oh, come on, that sounds about as romantic


As getting socks for valentine's day.


What happened to a good old-fashioned wedding,


You know, with rice and flowers?


You know, I haven't had a good cry since lassie was spayed.


We can go all out, have an old-fashioned family wedding --


You know, more family than usual, but --


[ Grunts ]


Are you all right?


Wait. You want me to call your doctor?


No. I'm okay.


That was the best one yet.


Wait. How often are you having these contractions?


Well, often enough to know


That relief is not just a swallow away.


[ Grunts ]


I'm gonna call the ambulance.


I want to be married before I have this baby.


Honey, I think that's gonna be impossible.


She's got to be married before the baby's born.


It could ruin the kid's whole life.


I want this kid to have a name.


We can name the baby doctor, and it can deliver itself.


I'm not getting into any ambulance.


I am not going to any hospital.


I'm not going anywhere until I'm married.


Married is what you want, married is what you'll get.


Julie, run and see if reverend cunningham is home.


Katie, get on the kitchen phone


And phone your uncle eddie at the mortuary.


Tell him to bring some flowers.


I can play the wedding march on the piano.


You're in luck, honey. I got a garter that's great.


It's blue, it's old, and it's borrowed.


What are we gonna do for something new?


[ Grunts ]


I think she's got that taken care of.


Go see if there's any film in the camera.


What for?


So we can take snapshots of the wedding


Or the birthday party -- whichever happens first.


Why is everybody standing around?


Move it! Move it! Move it! Come on! Go!


Hello, grandpa. Goodbye, grandpa.


Hello! Anybody home?


Grandpa, you better just sit down.


I'll give you the news in a few minutes.


Everything's gonna be perfect. Okay?


Okay. Thanks.


Uncle eddie's on the way. Val, you okay?


Here's the camera.


I got reverend cunningham's son.


I'm sorry my father couldn't make it,


But he was invited to a bar mitzvah.


Are the flowers here yet?


Flowers? Music? Minister?


What's going on? Am I dead?


No, pop. You're just fine.


The corpse is always the last to know.


Reverend, thanks for coming on such short notice.


Oh, I'm -- I'm thrilled.


I just got out of divinity school.


I-i've really never performed a wedding before.


I've been rehearsing in my bedroom.


God, I hope I get this right.


Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry, sir.


Maybe you should introduce me to the lucky couple.


It's the young man here who's white as a sheet


And the girl who's having the labor pains.


Hi. [ Grunts ]


Listen, maybe we better get a move on,


Because I'm just a beginner, you know?


Oh, no!


Am I on time?


Yeah, uncle ed. You just made it.


I hope these are all right.


It's all I had time to get with such short notice.


Let's get this show on the road.


Come here. Reverend, you stand here.


Katie, you and val come here.


Chief, you're gonna give the bride away.


Here. Eddie, you take the pictures.


Come on, grandpa.


Hit it, samantha. Oh, boy.


[ Playing "here comes the bride" slowly ]


[ Grunts ]


Samantha, either play faster



Or learn how to play "rockaby, baby."


Come on.


[ Playing "here comes the bride" rapidly ]


[ Grunts ]


What's the matter with her?


She's gonna have a baby.


You're accusing me?


A man who's dying?


I swear I had nothing to do with it.


Here, pop, here. Just stand right over here, huh?


Right there, huh?


You're the best man.


I know that.


Could you step on it?


Oh, yeah. Okay.


[ Clears throat ]


Come on.


[ Chuckles ]


[ Clears throat ]


"And, yea, though I walk


"Through the valley of the shadow of death,


I will fear no evil."


I know a funeral service when I hear one.


May I sit down while I die?


I'm sorry, grandpa. Uh, wrong service.


Here we go.


Uh, we are gathered together to join in holy wedlock...


Uh...


Oh. Jonathan and valerie.


Right. Uh, jonathan and valerie.


I knew it.


I've got no pulse and my arteries are hard as wood.


Do you, jonathan, take valerie to be your lawful wedded wife,


To love and to comfort her and honor and keep her


In sickness and in health, in prosperity and adversity,


As long as you both shall live?


Chiefhe does!


I got to hear it from him. Yeah, I do!


Aah!


What do we do now?


I don't know.


Down at my place, we just drain 'em, dress 'em,


Dig 'em, and dump 'em.


That -- that's it?


This is all I get?


Your own father,


And you couldn't spring a plain wooden box.


Eddie, give me my flowers.


Pop, I told you! You're all right.


Now, come on, huh? Upsy-daisy.


There you go. Over here. There.


Do you, valerie,


Take jonathan to be your lawful wedded husband?


[ Grunts ]


That means yes. Is that all?


No, no. Just a little bit more.


Come on. We got to get this girl to the hospital.


You're doing good, honey. Keep going.


You may now, um, place the ring on the bride's finger.


Ring? I don't have a ring.


Who's got the ring? Hey, nell! Nell!


Aah! Aah!


Take my ring!


Now, by the power vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife.


Man...wife...


[ Baby crying ]


Ooh, and a baby.


That settles it.


Tomorrow I'm getting a vasectomy.