04x25 - April 25, 1993

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer] This week,
In Living Color asks the question...

"What if Barbra Streisand were black?"

Yeah. Steppin' to the mike tonight
from around the way, the first lady of rap.

Give it up for M.C. Barbra.

♪♪ [Rap b*at]

All right. M.C. "B" in the house.
Oh, my goodness.

How's everybody doin'? Ooh, I like your blouse.
Listen, I'm a little excited.

I wanna thank you all for makin' my album,
Baby's Got Nose, go double platinum.

How about that?
Let's kick it.

- Everybody say "ho."
- Ho.

- Everybody say "ho-ho."
- Ho-ho.

Now somebody, anybody, scream!

Bust a spin.

♪ You can do me in the morning
You can do me in the night ♪

♪ Smack it up, flame it down, rub it up ♪
Oh, no. Whoo!

♪ Wave your hands in the air
and wave 'em like you just don't care ♪

- Come on!
- I said wave your hands in the air.

Oh, for Pete's sake. I could use a manicure.
Anybody got polish?

Oh. What up, Doc?
Oh, never mind.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip
and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide
on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one
of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
with talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe, but some
of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

[Megaphone Plays Tune]

All right, people!
Freeze! Single file! One at a time!

You know, there's a new sheriff in town,
and his name is Al Macafee...

with his trusty sidekick,
the Detecto .

Now, if I catch you with a g*n,
you're expelled.

If I catch you with a Kn*fe,
you're suspended.

And if I catch you with
some girlie magazines, i.e., p*rn...

you'll, uh, get 'em back
by the end of the year.

- [Alarm Blares]
- Hold it right there, Webster.

- What are you trying to sneak past me, son?
- Nothing, Mr. Macafee.

Well, we'll just see about that.
Spread 'em!

And what do you call this, huh? What are you
doin' with this? A ninja death star, Mr. Manson?

It's a compass.
I need it for my geometry test.

- Do I look like an infant to you, son?
- No.

- Do I look like a newborn baby, son?
- No.

Then I wasn't born yesterday!

Maybe you haven't heard Mr. Macafee's speech
on sharp, pointed objects.

If I have to point it out, then you're out.
Now, get out!

- [Alarm Blaring]
- Hold it right there, Cleopatra Jones.

- Right over here, baby. Hold it still.
- [Wand Buzzing]

What do you got in there, sweetie? Huh?
You carrying a Derringer in that jib of yours?

Open it up. Come on. I said "ah."
Oh, my God. What is this thing?

That's my retainer, Mr. Macafee,
and now my teeth'll never be straight.

- I'll be ugly.
- I got news for you, missy.

You could have the teeth
ofJulia Roberts...

and you still won't be
shoppin' for a prom dress.

Now, am-scray, eagle beak.
Go on, jaws.

Attention, delinquents...

I think it's high time you heard
Mr. Macafee's speech on weapons.

g*ns are like women.
You keep one around long enough...

and sooner or later,
you're gonna wanna sh**t it.

Oh, hold it right there,
Ms. Hathaway.

[Laughs Unctuously] Now, you know
no one avoids the scrutiny of the Detecto .

Macafee, I don't have time for this.
I'm a teacher.

Now, now, now, now.
We have to set an example for the kids.

[Laughs]
Let's check you out, sugar smacks.

- [Wand Beeps]
- Looks like somebody's tryin'...

to smuggle a pair
of Scuds there.

I'm wearing an underwire bra,
you idiot.

Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
pat you down and see for myself.

- No way, Macafee.
- Now, Ms. Hathaway, I'm a professional.

Do you think I could possibly
derive some sort of sensual pleasure...

by simply doing my job?

No. Now, spread 'em!

- Okay. Oh, God. Oh, my God.
- Get off me, you sicko.

[Coughing]
All right, you little criminals.

- Who's laughing at me? Huh?
Who's laughing at me?
- [Alarm Blaring]

You're gonna be laughin' in detention.
Oh! Damn this metal hip.

You know, you kids are laughin' now, but
nobody was laughin' when this w*r hero jumped...

out of a chopper
over Moo Goo Gai Pan.

- [Alarm Blaring]
- Hold it right there, Son of Sam.

Yo. You know what?
I'm glad you're on the job, Mr. Macafee...

'cause I don't feel safe up in here,
know what I'm sayin'?

Well, thanks a lot, son. You know,
sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.

- You're not still bangin', are you?
- No, I ain't doin' that.

All right then.
Let's have a look in your jacket.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What do we have here?

A harmonica, huh? You know, son,
there were many nights...

in the old foxhole with
my other male compatriots...

all we had is Judy Garland records
and each other's company.

And, of course, the mouth organ
was my only true friend.

- You know "Jimmy cr*ck Corn"?
- Nah.

- And I don't care.
- Maybe I could play that for
you sometime, Mr. Macafee.

- [Coughs] Hey, hey, boys.
- [Alarm Blares]

You're R.O.T. C?
Take it on through.

You're doing a fine job, Mr. Macafee.
Hey, keep up the good work.

Why, thanks a lot. Is it Leroy?
Section . Know your mom and dad well.

You know, you're one
of the good apples, Leroy.

Okay. One at a time. Yeah,
I guess they know who's in charge here.

Alan Macafee, that's who.

[Sighs]
Oh, my. Good morning.

Let me just
get myself organized here.

Okay. Well.

Who is next, please?
Hello there, sir. How are you?

- Fine. How are you? [Clears Throat]
- Let me guess.

- You're an American Indian, aren't you?
- Native American.

Native American. That's right.
Oh, for heaven's sakes. Politically correct.

Between the coloreds wanting to be
called Afro-Americans, and don't even try...

to explain to me the difference
between the Asians and the Orientals.

I know one of'em's a rug.
[Laughs]

But listen. How can I help you?
Did you hear what I said?

"How" can I help you?
[Laughs]

- Uh, l...
- Oh, I slay myself.

Well, I'm new in town,
and I'm looking for a job.

Well, of course you are. Now, how long
have you been off the reservation?

Listen. I know
how traumatizing it can be...

to be in an urban dwelling
for the first time.

I do know something
of your pain, you know.

Just the other night,
I rented Dances with Wolves.

Look, I need a job today
if you got one.

Oh, well, of course.
We'll fill out an application.

Now, I'm sorry. What was your name?
What is it that you do with wolves?

Never mind.
I'll come back tomorrow, okay?

Well, all right, but you're never gonna
get anywhere with that kind of attitude.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
would you look at you, you jolly old elf?

I could have used you back in December,
what with all the calls I was getting...

for department store Santas.

You just would never believe it.
Well, for heaven's sake.

[Sniffs]
Who's next, please?

- I am.
- Hello there, dear. I am Sheila Peace.

Hello. Um, I'm looking for a job,
but in the meantime...

I'd like to collect unemployment.

Oh, well, of course. Now,
you will have to fill out an application.

- All right.
- Here we are. Now... [Clears Throat]

What was your name before
you embraced the ways of Muhammed...

or whatever you say...
I mean, listen to me.

I would put down "X," Y,"Z,"
or whatever chromosome you want...

but the folks upstairs wouldn't
be too thrilled, if you know what I mean.

You know, I can really respect
your whole denouncing of whitey...

but let's just focus
on getting you a job, shall we?

Can I fill out the application
by myself, please?

Oh, no. I'm afraid it would be much,
much better if I helped you fill it out.

- Now, were you laid off?
- Yes, I was.

Well, of course you were.
Lfigured as much. Listen, can I be a friend?

If you would just run a comb
through that hair of yours...

your phone would be ringing
off the walls.

- You could have any job you wanted.
- Can anyone else help me?

Oh, um, "pardonay," amigo...

but these "cardos" are not
written in "Espancholo."

- ¿Muy bien?
- That's okay, lady. I can read them.

Oh, of course you can.
Very good.

- Are there any listings for any part-time work?
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.

What kind of attitude is that?
You're never gonna get ahead that way.

Why don't you
try something full-time?

Lady, I have another job.
I work in produce.

Well, of course you do.
But I have to confess to you...

I think that kind of work
is extremely dangerous.

Dangerous?
What are you talking about?

I don't understand how it is
that you avoid getting hit by a car...

selling those oranges
right off the freeway ramp.

I mean, for heaven's sakes...
Well, of course...

what's a little Toyota to you
when you're dodgin' bulls all day long?

- Olé!
- Can I talk to your manager?

Just when you said that,
you sounded like that what's-his-name.

Oh, God. Don't tell me. You look
just like him, that, uh, Eugene Nearly Almost...

- What's his name?
- [Grumbles]

That's the woman I want
to file a complaint against. She insulted me.

- What?
- If I owned a mini-mart, I would not need a job.

This dot has nothing to do
with laser tag.

Sheila, I've warned you before.
I'll have to talk to you in my office.

Well, now, there must be some sort
of misunderstanding, sir.

Can't we all just get along?

Ooh. Excuse me.
You're giving me the bum's rush, sir.

Excuse me.

Oh, judging by the looks of that jacket,
I'd say you were our new beauty consultant.

And by the looks of your makeup,
I can see that I am needed.

[Giggling]
That's very cute.

Well, this is your station,
and what I'd like for you to do...

is to start organizing these mascaras
in the display case, all right?

And we have an overstock on apricot facial masks,
so make sure you push them, okay?

- Okay.
- I'll be in back if you need me.

All right.

I think I need some help.

I'm glad for you, and I'm sure that
your analyst will be very pleased...

that you have
made this breakthrough.

But for right now, why don't you tell me
what you need from me...

so I can go back to this life-enriching task
of arranging these mascaras.

Okay. That sounds really good.

I just, um...
I've never worn makeup before...

and I'm just looking
for a brand-new me.

- [Laughs Weakly]
- [Snorting Laugh] Any suggestions?

Well, several come to mind,
but why don't you try these samples...

and when you find this new you,
why don't you take her out to dinner...

so you can let me
get back to my task.

Excuse me. I am sure that
the Cooties Research Commission...

has given you complete permission
to rub your mouth...

all over any and every object
you happen to encounter...

but this is company lipstick,
not your own personal dental retainer.

Tissue anyone?

How do I look?
[Snorting Laugh]

Well, that depends on which circus
you would like to join.

I mean, I am too sure that Bozo the Clown
is out somewhere shakin'in his big, red boots...

knowin' that you are
sneakin' in on his territory.

So, um, unless you are auditioning
for The Tammy Faye Bakker Story...

I would lose a few layers.

- Tissue anyone?
- Thank you. I guess I'll just go home now.

Excuse me, miss.
All the other registers are full.

- Can you ring this up for me?
- Why, yes, I can.

The question is will I?
The answer is no.

- But there's nobody here.
- This is makeup. This is a makeup counter...

where makeup is rung
on the register.

So unless this is a new form of cotton eyeliner,
of which I am not presently aware...

I suggest you take this merchandise back
to the department from whence it came.

Who is your manager?
I'd like to lodge a complaint.

Well, that shows you have a lot of spunk,
and I am too sure...

that when you file your
blistering condemnation of my retail skills...

our company stock will plummet
on the stock exchange, cause a rash of suicides...

and trigger global depression.

But my manager is not here at the moment,
so you will have to be content...

with causing a public nuisance.

You don't have to be so mean!

- Tissue anyone?
- Oh!

Uh, excuse me, miss. I would like for you
to give me a facial mask.

I am going to the opera tonight,
and I wish to look my best.

Oh, well, I'm sure that when the fat lady
looks out from the audience...

- and sees your gleaming, wide-open pores...
- Yes?

She will be inspired
to her greatest performance.

But for only . , you could
take this apricot mask home and do it yourself.

[Laughs Haughtily]

No, no, no, dear.
You don't understand.

Money is no object.
I should like you to apply it.

Fine.

- I am too sure Donald Tr*mp will be very pleased...
- Whoops!

To know that you have given me $
to spread some orange goop all over your face.

Yes, well... Oh, my.

- How long should it stay on then?
- Ooh. About two hours.

Two hours?
Isn't it usually minutes or so?

Yes, that's correct, but unfortunately,
this is my lunch hour.

- What?
- Tissues are right over there.

[Stuttering]
Wait! Miss!

- ♪♪ [Keyboard]
- Welcome to the Black People's Show.

And now, here's your host... Give it up
one time for Lamar Hightower.

Hey! Hi! Thank you.
Welcome to the Black People's Show...

the show by, for
and about peoples of blackness.

Our first celebrity guest
has appeared...

on many television shows
and infomercials.

Y'all give a nice hand for my main man,
CurtJackson.

Brother man here. Welcome
to the Black People's Show, Curt.

Thanks, Lamar.

Now, 'fore I start,
I got to tell the brothers at home...

how proud I am of this black man
right up in through here.

Not only are you a working black actor,
or "blacktor," as I like to say...

but you seem to bring dignity and pride
to every little part you play.

- Give it up for Curt, everybody.
- [Audience Whooping]

Now, give it up
one more time for me.

So, what you workin' on, Curt?

Well, you know, I've worked
with all the biggies... Wesley, Denzel...

and I just finished a commercial
where I played a raisin.

- A what?
- A raisin.

Well, I tell you one thing, brother man:
This weekend, the raisin is comin'...

from the Black People's
Showcase Theater...

where I will be starring
in A Raisin in the Sun.

Hey, now. Give it up
one more time for me, all right?

Now, we gonna be
raisin' much sayin' over there.

Well, look, Curt, I wanna thank you.
I know you've got things to do...

places to go, and you can't stay.

- Yes, I can. I'm not busy.
- Well, you might wanna scoot your little ass down.

All right. Our next guest
is currently on the set...

of her new hit TV show,
Deep Solar System .

Now, please welcome
live via satellite...

my main girl, Tonya Hodges.

[Lamarr Laughs]

Hey, Tonya.

Tonya, you know you one of the hardest-working
"blacktresses" in Hollywood today.

- Now, is it tough to maintain your dignity?
- Not at all, Lamar.

Gone are the days when all
we could play were maids and hookers.

I figure with the kind
of work I'm doin'...

an Image Award can't be far off.

[Man Over P.A.] All right, people.
Let's set up for the orgy scene.

Uh-oh. Look like you got to do
what you got to do best: Orgy.

Get busy, baby!
Thanks for joining us, Tonya.

Thank you.
Thank you, Lamar. Thank you.

Everybody give it up
for Tonya one more time.

Now, give it up
one more time for me.

Thank you. All right now.

Our next guest has appeared
on many TV shows...

and has just
finished his first film.

He's also won a Black People's Award
for Best Scared Brother on a Police Show.

Y'all give it up for my main man.
Daryl Simmons coming at ya.

Brother man, look at you.
Welcome to the Black People's Show.

Thank you. Thank you so very much.
Thank you for having me.

You sure know how to dress.
You get that from Morris Day?

- You got me.
- Oh! Ah!

Only thing you forgot is lotion
for them little ashy legs you got.

Anyway, I know
this brother always busy.

- What you workin' on?
- Well, of course...

I believe the only way a person
can truly perfect his craft...

is to give himself constant challenges
to continue to stretch his instrument.

- By the way, I loved you as a raisin.
- Thanks.

Look here.
Tell us about this film you got.

Well, of course.
It's a different role for me. As you know...

I am best known for playing
a scared brother on a police show.

Well, now I finally get a chance to play somewhat
of a frightened n*gro in a horror film.

I heard that.
Now, lemme ask you.

Were you able to get across the black experience
to the people the way you wanted?

Of course. I mean, it came through
quite nicely. In fact, I believe I have a clip.

- Could we run that, please?
- Ain't gonna be no problem with that.

- You wanna set it up?
- Well, of course. I'm cowering in a corner...

in a darkened room where a , -year-old
Egyptian pharaoh comes back to life...

and tries to k*ll me.

- And the name of the movie is...
- Mo'Mummy.

You done heard it from the man himself.
Daryl Simmons in Mo'Mummy, comin' at you.

[Screaming]
I don't wanna die! I can't go out like this!

[Yelping]

Oh, brother, that was brilliant.
You done went deep for that one, brother.

Oh, well, that's all the time
we have for today.

Go see Daryl Simmons
in Mo'Mummy.

Watch my girl Tonya Hodges
in Deep Solar System ...

and look for Curt
as a raisin in a bowl of cereal.

And remember to look
on the last page of Jet...

to see where the rest of the black people
in Hollywood are working this week.

Now, you know y'all ain't headin' out
without gettin' the door prize.

A cake cutter from me, Lamar.
Go on and keep it. It's on the house.

Well, until next time, this is Lamar Hightower
for the Black People's Show.

Come on. Help me out, y'all.

♪ The Black People's Show
The Black... Black People's Show ♪

♪ You watch, I watch
we watch, they watch ♪

♪ The Black People's Show ♪

♪ Black People's Show
Black People's Show ♪

♪ You watch, they watch
I watch ♪♪

I hope everybody had a good time tonight.
We're gonna close the show with a musical guest.

He's gonna be doing the remix version
of single "Swing My Way" from the album Free.

Please welcome Prince Markie Dee
and the Soul Convention.

Check it. One, two.

Here we go. Check it. Check it.
What up, baby?

Yo. Check it, baby.

♪♪ [Rapping]

- Dig it.
- ♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

Check it out.

Here we go.
♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]