03x06 - October 27, 1991

[bunniefuu]

They're malnourished, homeless...
their young lives...

slowly wasting away.

Hello. I'm Sally Struthers...

and each year we lose another handful
of America's most valuable commodity:

Child TV stars.

Imagine yourself a child
on a hit TV series.

You reach puberty,
your show is canceled...

and your parents
have spent all your money.

God, the stench of failure
is sickening.

You turn into a g*n nut,
make bad career choices:

Drug addiction,
attempted m*rder...

even tr*nsv*stite-bashing.

All hope is lost.

But now, thanks to you,
there's hope.

For just cents a day...

the price of a cup of coffee...

the Adopt a TV Child Foundation helps...

get these kids back on track.

What happens to your cents?

It helps to put your TV child back
in the environment he's familiar with...

so he can cope with his failure.

It pays for acting lessons to help prepare
for -year reunion specials...

plus lawyers' fees,
talk show transportation...

and, of course, bail if necessary.

Most important, it keeps your child
comfortable and happy.

- [Sighs] Hi. I'm Danny Bonaduce.
- [Coughs]

I used to be into
tr*nsv*stite prostitutes.

Now, with the help
of Adopt a TV Child Foundation...

I'm into straight prostitutes.

- Thanks.
- Thank you, Danny.

With a small donation,
you'll be able...

to watch your TV child
grow strong and healthy.

Who knows?
They may even land another TV series.

So what are you waiting for?

Send in your cents,
and adopt a TV child today.

Just call:

Do it now.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Man] Hey, guy.
Have you ever gone to bed with a woman...

who you thought looked
like Robin Givens...

but when you wake up,
looks more like Robin Leach?

- [Screeches]
- [Man] That's what you call "coyote ugly"...

- because you'd gnaw your own arm
off to get out of there.
- [Chewing]

Well, chew no longer, because
the new Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is here.

Coyote Ugly Escape Kit is
the disposable prosthetic arm you attach...

before you go to bed
with that special someone.

Simply fasten the realistic,
stylish Coyote arm...

and you're all set
for those rude awakenings.

[Woman] What's keepin'you, baby?
I need your lovin'arms around me.!

No problem, thanks
to the Coyote Ugly Escape Kit.

[Man] At the moment of revulsion,
simply unfasten the hinges...

and you're free and clear, with no messy
torn ligaments or unpleasant arterial bleeding.

Yes, Coyote Ugly promises a happy hump
with no bloody stump.

So remember, guys: With Coyote brand,
you can say farewell to arms...

and farewell
to last night's nightmare.

[Howling]

[Drums Beating]

[Man] K. Y.Y.T. Presents
a minority-affairs program, Black Like You.

Here are your hosts,
Tom and Tom, the Brothers Brothers.

- [Loud Cheering]
- Whoo!

- Hola.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to Black Like You. Not us.

- [Sighs]
- Oh, boy.

Well, I'm so excited tonight, Tom.
We have a very special guest:

African filmmaker Spike Lee.

Oh, wow! That's great!
I loved all those karate movies he made.

- [Karate Yells] Enter the Dragon...
- Tom!

- What?
- I think you popped a boner.

We're talking about Spike Lee,
not Bruce Lee.

You know... Spike, the little guy
with the skinny legs and big feet?

Oh, the troublemaker.

- Shall we bring him out?
- Sure. Bring him out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Spike Lee!
Come on out, Spikey.

- How are ya, Spikey?
- He's a lot taller than I thought.

- No.
- Your knees are not as big as I thought either.

- No, man. I'm not Spike Lee.
- All right, Mr. Singleton.

- Let's get right to it.
- I'm notJohn Singleton either.

Well, you're certainly not Robert Townsend.
Your nose is too small.

What other African filmmaker
is there out there?

- I don't know.
- Hey, wait a minute. You're
that Long Dong Silver guy.

You'd better get
off our show right now.

I'm perplexed, Tom.
It says here he's an Afrin... Afro... Af...

It just scares me,
this black stuff.

He's an
Afro-American filmmaker.

Well, I don't even
see an afro. Where is it?

In the shop,
gettin' the kinks out?

Hey, look, man. My name is Morgan Casey,
and I'm an African-American filmmaker...

and I'm here to talk about the problems
relevant to blacks and movies.

Well, let's do that.
Let's talk about blacks and films.

Why do those people
talk so loud in the movie?

I mean, you know,
they're always throwing popcorn...

and I'm sitting behind some guy
with a jheri curl, and it's dripping in my popcorn.

I want butter,
not jheri curl juice.

They're both so greasy,
you can't really tell the difference, can you?

Look, man. That's not it. See, there is a lack
of roles for African-Americans...

in film and in television,
and that's what I'm here to talk about.

Come on. What about
America's Most Wanted?

- Good point.
- That's all you ever see are black guys on that.

And what about
the show Cops? Heck...

if they took the black guys off that,
we wouldn't even have a show.

And what about the movie
that was just out... LoJack City...

- with that guy... what's-his-name... Ice Cold?
- Ice Cream.

You guys are all wrong. It's NewJack City.
NewJack City and Ice-T.

Oh, we don't have any iced tea.
We have some Kool-Aid.

- We got the red kind.
- You like that, don't ya?

Look, what I been tryin' to say
is that black Americans are portrayed...

only as criminals, slaves,
p*rch monk*ys...

- Hold it right there.
Hot-diggity-darn, you hold it right there!
- Tom, Tom, Tom...

- you're losing your... your, um...
- Tom...

- Pressure.
- It's nothing... What he's talking about...

- is nothing but some toe jam and peenie cheese!
- [Gasps]

Can we get away
with that?

I mean, I'm really mad, Tom. I don't
ever wanna hear anyone put down sl*very.

- That's right.
- I mean, when you think about sl*very...

and you think about unemployment today,
you ask yourself...

"Mr. Lincoln,
what were you thinkin'?"

That's right.
And if it wasn't for sl*very, pal...

you wouldn't be in this country
makin' films.

You'd be back in Africa making
some National Geographic film...

with some native woman
with her boobies swingin' all over the place.

- Oh, gosh. The horror, Tom!
- Ack!

Could I speak?
Can I talk? Can I talk?

That might be bad, but at least
I wouldn't have some white studio executive...

tellin' me what I can do
with the final cut of my film.

Let me show you a clip of the work I did
before the studio got their hands on it.

I hate when these angry black people
bring clips.

- They're never funny.
- Never funny.

Your eyes are the thunder,
and out of here I'll go...

for I too am mad,
and I bid you tallyho.

- [Snoring]
- Tom?

- We're gonna show the other...
- You should've did
the Spike Lee ending: "Wake up!"

[Both Laughing]

Well, anyway, let me show you
what the studio did to that scene.

Yo, I's in the Thunderbird.

Get yo' butt out here
so we can go...

'for I get mad and hit you...

tacky ho.

- Bravo! Bravo!
- Oh, I love it!

Man, that was wack.
That's unbelievable, ain't it? Wack.

- I haven't seen work like that since...
- SinceJimmy Walker...

was in that movie with, um,
what's-his-name... Sidney "Portier."

- Do it again or something.
- Do you remember the riveting
scene with Antonio Fargas...

kicking that prost*tute up and down
the street and across th Street?

- That was it.
- Man, you guys are wack.
You guys are nothin' but...

a bunch of Bobo-butt-kissin'
bonzo brothers, man.

- I'm out of here.
- You need a backbeat for that?

[Imitates Percussive Backbeat]

What do you say we butt-kissin',
Bobo brothers...

do a beautiful ballad, huh?

I'm all with that. Let's go.

- Maestro.
- Our instruments, please.

Hit it, Tom.

♪♪ [Folk]

♪ Black fellas in movies
should just know their place ♪

♪ There's plenty of good roles
for people of race ♪

♪ There's muggers and pushers
and hookers in lace ♪

♪Just tap-dance and shuffle
a smile on your face ♪♪

- Good white, everybody!
- Good white!

♪♪ [Percussion]

♪♪ [Man Singing]

♪♪ [Singing Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

You know,
when I was livin' in space...

I didn't see a woman
for two years...

and yet I still
maintained my sanity.

How? By drinkin' this powdered
beverage developed by NASA.

It smells and is flavored
just like a woman...

but with half the calories
and twice the protein.

[Sighs]

And it sure
goes down easy too.

[Sighs]

[Man] Now, from the makers
of Orange-gina and Nastea...

comes the new powdered drink,
Minute Maiden...

already in use in prisons
throughout America.

Take a look at how
these hardened convicts respond.

First, without a steady diet
of Minute Maiden.

Now these same prisoners after a nutritionally
balanced breakfast plus Minute Maiden.

Reminds you of a woman,
but made for a man.

I like it too.

There's also a new powdered drink that's
flavoredjust like a fella: Minute Man.

Drink it at night,
and it will still be there in the morning.

And best of all, it's % safe.

I know they call it Minute Maiden...

but it sure
seems like Shaniqua to me.

Okay. Who's the prankster
that gave me the wrong flavor?

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

[Man]
Minute Maiden and Minute Man:

Perhaps the next
best thing to being there.

Greetings,
American homeowners.

I am Itaho,
master ninja warrior...

and founder of number-one
home-protection device:

Silent But Deadly American Ninja
Home Security System.

It only security system that work silently,
with no noisy alarms...

or electric eye-beams to set.

That because Silent But Deadly
relies on the ancient ninja art of surprise.

Watch.

[Grunts]

[Air Whooshing]

Hey, why don't you
stick around?

[Snickers Softly]
Hey, you like family jewels?

Apparently not.

[Ninja]
Sure hope he likes the sushi.!

[Blows]

Oops!

That was owner of house.

Don't worry. He'll be okay.
I only use knockout poison.

You see, I told you. You get
good night's sleep...

one way or another with
the Ninja Security System.

So call me, Itaho,
at - -Banzai...

and order Silent But Deadly
Security System...

for your home today,
or I will k*ll myself!

Just kidding.
'Kay, you finished with that?

Hey there, little boy.
I said, "Hey there, little boy."

Well, you may be ignoring me now,
but I'm taking steroids.

And steroids make
my body balloon up...

and they also
give me the strength of men.

So while you may choose
to ignore me now...

[Growling] pretty soon
I'll be so pumped up and bloated...

you'll have no choice
but to pay attention to me.

Come here, stud pants!
Let's play m*ssile silo.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

After a while, the steroids will begin
to affect my body's inner mechanisms.

My ovaries will shrink
to the size of tiny raisins...

and I'll also have kidney failure.

Then, pretty soon, I'll be doing public
service announcements against steroids.

Then I really start to deteriorate.

[Growling]

[Shrieking]

[Shrieking Fades, Stops]

But that whole "body falling apart" thing,
that's still a good five or six years away.

In the meantime, Vera says...

"Live fast, die young and pretty."

[Whinnies]

[Man]
Steroids: Live fast, die young and pretty.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

Mom! Dad!
Is anybody home?

[Man]
Macaulay Culkin's at it again, but this time...

- Hey, Macaulay, can I come in and play?
- [Screams]

[Man] He's home alone again
with Michael Jackson.

Gee, Michael, I'd like to let you in, but
my parents said I couldn't have anyone over.

I sent your parents to the Bahamas.
We've got the whole house to ourselves.

Well, I'm a big star now.
What happens if my career falls apart?

- You gonna dump me like Webster?
- No, P.Y.T.

We can be friends forever. I'll even
let you play with one of my old noses.

Sure. Okay.

You can come in, I guess.

- [Sizzling]
- Ow!

- Yes!
- Hee-hee! Ow!

Let me in.
I've got some naked pictures of my sister.

Who doesn't?
Why don't you just beat it, Michael?

Hey, that sounds
like a great idea, Macaulay.

- [g*nsh*t]
- Hee-hoo!

♪ I'm hurt bad
I'm hurt bad ♪

♪ Hurt bad
Hurt bad ♪

- Yes!
- ♪ Hee-hee, ooh-hoo ♪

Come on, Macaulay. Open up.
I'll let you play with my monkey.

Or better yet,
we can blow bubbles.

Okay, Michael.
If you really want to, come on in.

♪ Eeh-hee
Eeh-hee-hee ♪

- Yes!
- ♪ Eeh-hee ♪

What is this?
A Pepsi commercial?

I know.
Let's play at my house.

I'll let you play with the Elephant Man.
We can take a nap in my oxygen chamber.

Come on. Please.
I wanna see you moon-walk.

[Screaming]

♪ Please, please, please ♪

[Man] Home Alone Again...
coming this holiday season...

to a theater near you.

Yo, these brothers I'm about to bring
to the stage... Where they from, Twist?

The boogie-down Bronx,
my hometown.

- The DefJam recording artists
are not only nice, but they...
- But smooth.

So let's give it up
for Nice & Smooth!

Oh, yeah.! What's up, y'all? Hello.

Come on. Oh, yeah.
Come on.

- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- ♪♪ [Man Rapping]

Come on. Come on.

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Audience Cheers]

♪♪ [Both Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

Nice & Smooth, ' , "Hip-HopJunkies."
DefJam, Columbia. We out.

- We love y'all!
- Oh, yeah!

- ♪♪ [Rapping Ends]
- [Audience Cheers]

[Grunts]
Send me to the bridge.

Yeah.!