- Stephanie, are
those headphones?
- Actually they're womb phones.
- Womb phones?
- Why? See, yesterday there
was this German psychologist
on that gab show Frankly Female.
I taped it by accident.
- Like you accidentally tape
The Bold and the Beautiful
every day?
- I on... I only watch
it for the bold stuff.
- Anyway, this German expert
said that children in the womb,
or womb kinder,
can actually hear sounds
before they're born.
- A-And what are th-the young
kids listening to these days?
- Oh, Mother Goose and
that Sesame Seed stuff.
- But not our little bittle.
- The Art of the Deal
by Donald Tr*mp?
- Today's tikes are
tomorrow's tycoons.
- Stephanie, I
think you're putting
too much pressure on the baby.
- You should feel what
it's doing to my bladder.
- Zounds, this bad
boy better blow.
Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.
Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.
- Hardest working
grocery clerk in Vermont.
- Cans on the
bottom, eggs on top.
Cans on the bottom...
uh, what's on top?
- Eggs.
- Right.
- Restless night, George?
- Oh, I've been tossing
and turning a lot lately.
It's this recurring
nightmare I keep having
over and over and over again.
- Yeah, recurring nightmares
are better, you know,
when you only have
them, like, once.
- What's it about?
- Well, I'm standing
on this really high cliff,
surrounded by a blueish fog,
just like in those rock videos,
only I'm not wearing
spandex pants.
- Yeah, that... that
would be a nightmare.
- A glittery figure is standing
behind me, whispering,
"Jump, George, jump,"
and just as I turn
to see who it is,
I'm pushed off the
cliff into the unknown.
I start falling and just when
I'm about to hit the ground,
boing, I wake up.
- That's because if you
hit the ground, you'd die.
And they say, you know,
if you die in your dreams,
that y-you really die.
- I didn't know that.
- Well, you know,
it's just what they say.
- Well, they wouldn't
say it if they didn't mean it.
- George, trust me,
you don't have to worry
about dying in your sleep.
- You bet I don't, 'cause I'm
never going to sleep again.
Anybody want coffee?
It's caffeinated.
- I think... think
I'll pass, George.
Normally, I... I love a big
jolt of caffeine, you know,
just... just before bedtime.
- You're not really
planning to stay up forever?
- Why not?
Maybe man doesn't
really need sleep.
- Probably just a lazy habit
that he's gotten used to.
- I knew you'd mock me.
- "George Utley to stay
awake for the rest of life.
"d*ck Loudon
expected to mock him."
Boy, the new editor's
really on top of things.
- Nice old photo of you
with your watermelon.
- Oh, thanks.
That was taken the
night of my senior prom.
I tried to get a date.
- Is this a schedule?
- Yeah. Some of my
pals are taking turns
coming over to keep me awake.
- You have me down
for the 5 a.m. shift.
- Well, goodnight,
George. I'm off to bed.
Sweet... hmm, never mind.
- Hi, I'm Larry.
This is my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
- Hey, my first shift is here.
- We come bearing gifts.
Not unlike three wise men
on another special night.
- I gather you bring gold,
frankincense and myrrh?
- Oh d*ck, you gather
incorrectly yet again,
though you did happen to
name two of our accountants.
- Gold and Myrrh?
- No, Frank and Incense.
A thermos of warm milk,
your favorite bedtime stories,
and Burl Ives' Christmas album.
- I-I thought the object
was to keep George awake.
- That's where these come in.
Nice sharp knitting needles.
- George, listen. I-I
hate to tell you this.
I know, you know, you're scared,
but, I mean,
you-you've got to sleep.
Ah!
- You made your point,
and now Darryl has made his.
- Guess I can sleep
on my stomach.
- It looks like your brothers
have had enough
excitement for one evening.
- They've never been
ones for small talk.
That's why they
continually refuse to attend
Mary and Swifty Lazar's
post-Oscar party at Spago's.
- You know, Larry, we've
known each other a long time.
I'll bet we have
a lot in common.
- Like what?
- Well, we both wear hats.
- Hey, you're right.
Want to switch?
- Okay.
- Want to switch back?
- Okay.
- Hop. Hop.
Hop. Hop. Hop.
Hop. Hop.
Hop. Hop. Hop.
- Morning, d*ck.
You remember Miss
Goddard, the town librarian.
- Hop on!
There's always room for
another cute boy bunny.
- And Mr. Rusnak,
Circus of Shoes.
- Touch my hips and die.
- And me, you know me.
- Not anymore, George.
- Hey, you're
early for your shift.
This is bunny-hopping time.
- George, the '50s were
bunny-hopping time.
Four a.m. is...
Sleeping time.
- It's guys like you
who k*lled the hustle.
- Why don't you take this
hopathon back to your place?
- And wake my elk?
- You keep an elk
in your apartment?
- I've got two bedrooms.
- Well, then you've
got the room.
G-George, your bunny hopping
i-is waking up the entire inn.
- Larry and the guys
don't mind the noise. Eh?
Larry says they chase
cars in their sleep.
- I've seen them do it awake.
- Pin on the top, boys.
Time for another
bunny hop sandwich!
No! No sandwich.
Everyone out of here
and... and go to sleep.
- If George sleeps, he dreams.
If he dreams, he dies.
Is that what you want, Loudon?
- Miss Goddard, you're
an educated woman.
Tell George it-it's
just an old wives tale.
- Oh George, I
don't want you to die!
- I don't want me to die either.
- It's moments like
these that make me wish
God had given me emotions.
- It's moments like these
that make me question
this town's sanity.
- If I have to die, I want
to die a hero's death,
like fixing a TV antenna in
the middle of a thunderstorm,
not like some cartoon
coyote falling off a cliff.
- Pardon me, but Wile E.
Coyote never actually dies.
The impact just forces
his legs into his head
and he walks around all
squished up for a few minutes.
- Well, I don't want
that to happen either.
- Well, maybe you could
try flapping your arms
before you crash, like this.
- That'll work.
- Oh, I don't know.
My arms aren't
as mighty as yours.
I better just stay awake.
- Perhaps I could provide
some alluring diversions.
- Hey! No diversions in my inn.
George, I'm, uh, I-I'm
worried about you.
I mean, b-bunny hopping
a-at four in the morning.
I-I think... I think you
need professional help.
- From Arthur Murray?
No, from Dr. Mary Kaiser.
- d*ck! Everybody knows
no Utley has ever
been to a psychiatrist.
- Well, you know,
I knew no Utley
had ever been to a chiropractor.
- You think that
I need a shrink?
I thought you were my friend.
- Look, George...
- I'm not finished.
Or was I?
I guess maybe I was.
- George...
- No, no, there's more.
You may think I'm confused,
but there are two things
I'm absolutely sure of.
One is that I don't
need therapy.
- An-And what's the other one?
- I bunny hop or I die.
- Come on, George.
Grab my hips and live.
- Hop. Hop.
Hop. Hop. Hop.
Hop. Hop.
Hop. Hop. Hop.
- There you go.
Hope you, uh, enjoyed...
enjoyed your stay.
- Right.
That's why I'm
checking out at 7 a.m.
I'll hop, hop, hop over to the
Ramada and get some sleep.
- I-I-I wish you'd give
us a-another sh*t.
This... this really is a
very peaceful little inn.
- You know, d*ck?
I can't help noticing this
wall doesn't do anything
except hold up those pictures.
- And the fireplace
and the ceiling
a-and the big support beam
that supports everything in the inn.
- I don't care. I'm
taking her down.
- George, George!
You've been awake for 32 hours.
You're tired, very tired.
Give me the saw.
Turn it off first!
George, why don't you just busy
yourself w-with something else?
- There is that leaky
gas line in the basement.
I'll get my blowtorch.
- George... why
don't you just tinker?
- Yeah, I can tinker. I can
tinker better than anyone.
Don't sleep, tinker.
Don't sleep, just tinker.
Tinker.
- Morning.
- Oh hi, I was just
coming up to wake you.
- A simple tap on the
shoulder would have sufficed.
- Some-something wrong?
- The womb phones
double crossed us.
We thought Tr*mp
was teaching our baby
how to use strong-arm tactics
to wangle other babies
out of their millions.
- But the tape wasn't playing.
All this time, the recorder
was switched to radio, AM radio.
- To a country western station.
Eww!
- Oh God, right now, our
child is doing a two-step.
- Well, it certainly
has womb to dance.
- Nice, d*ck.
A pathetic pun during
our moment of crisis.
- Oh, don't listen
to d*ck. I don't.
Why don't the two of you
go get some breakfast?
- Well, I suppose a nice
bowl of grits would help...
Michael, did you
hear what I said?
I said grits, what's
happening to me?
- It's the demon
hayseed inside you.
- Oh Michael, please promise me
we won't have to
move to the Ozarks.
- I wish I could,
Steph, but I cain't.
- Oh!
- That, uh, that wall been
bothering you too, George?
- Oh no, I like this wall.
These are just love taps.
- Oh! d*ck, d*ck.
- Yeah, all right,
I better call for an
appointment with Dr. Kaiser.
- You want to make
one for me too?
- The, uh, the receptionist said
that Dr. Kaiser'd be right out.
- Yeah, as soon as she revs
up her atomic brain machine.
- She... she doesn't
use machines, George.
She... she just...
she just talks.
- Okay, but she
better not get personal.
- That's... that's
her job, George.
Don't... don't you understand
the concept of therapy?
- No. Maybe I don't.
Or maybe you're just
transferring hostility
to avoid confronting your
own feelings of inadequacy.
- Hello. You must be George.
- It's like she's undressing
my mind with her eyes.
- And d*ck, I haven't seen you
since that marriage
counseling group last year.
And how is your
lovely ex-wife, Joanna?
- We're... we're still married.
Ah. Lost that bet.
And now, if you don't mind.
- Oh right, I'll just,
I'll, uh, wait... outside.
- Well then, where
shall we start?
- I don't want to die!
- Let's start there. Would
you like to lie down?
- Okay.
I see your little game.
I lie down, all my change
falls between the cushions.
- You found me out, George.
- Oh, that ain't going
to happen, lady.
- I think what we should do is
have you close your eyes, relax,
and describe your dream to me.
- Well, I'm
standing on this cliff.
- And you're covered in
a hazy sort of bluish fog?
- How did you know?
- I read it in the paper.
And that glittery figure
is standing behind you.
- Uh-huh, and it's
about to push me off.
- Let it, George. Let it.
- I don't want it to.
Too late!
I'm falling... falling...
falling... falling...
- George.
- Falling... falling... falling.
- Can you hear me, George?
- Falling, falling...
- George.
- I'm still falling...
falling... falling... falling...
Where am I?
Johnnycake Pond.
- Oh, yeah.
And that's Johnnycake Cliff.
You're right.
You see? You didn't die.
You did land in
the water though.
- Oh yeah, I was wondering
why my shorts were sticking to me.
Are you God?
No.
- Are you God's wife?
No.
But I am world renowned
figure skater Peggy Fleming.
- You are Peggy Fleming!
And that's that glittery outfit
you wore at Grenoble France
when you were the
figure skating champion
in the 1968 Winter Olympics!
- Oh George, you're
making me blush.
- Hey, you're the one who
keeps pushing me off that cliff.
What the heck's wrong with you?
- Well, I'm doing it to
help you get over your fear.
- Of dying?
- No, of swimming.
- Swimming?
Oh, that's right. I
never learned how.
Hey, you know, the
kids used to tease me
because I wouldn't
jump off that cliff.
- Well, no one's ever
going to tease you again.
- Why, are you going
to run over their feet
with your ice skates?
- No. I'm just
here to remind you
that swimming lessons begin
at your local YMCA next week.
- Oh yeah, I keep seeing
that flyer in the hardware store.
Wait a minute!
Wouldn't this dream
have more impact
if you were a swimmer?
- This is your dream,
not mine, George.
- Good point.
You want to do a
little skinny dipping?
- This dream is over, George.
But remember, it's never
too late to learn to swim.
It's never too late
to learn to swim.
- It's never too late
to learn to swim.
Never too late to learn to swim.
Never too late to learn to swim.
Never too late to learn to swim.
- "Heaven's too
great to spurn within."
That's it.
I believe that George
has finally learned
to face his fears
by seeing death more as
a passage than as an end.
- I thought he was saying
"Never too late to learn to swim."
- No, no, no, no, no.
That's why I have
this wall of diplomas.
Anyway, I'm free now
if there's anything you
would care to discuss.
- A-Actually there is.
There is something.
Do you ever have the feeling
that you're the only sane person
in... in a town full of crazies?
- Is that how you feel?
- All the time.
- I see.
Well, my appointment
book is in the outer office.
Why don't I just go and
put you down for, oh,
every day next week.
- Oh no, see... see,
I can't afford, uh...
- Where's George?
We brought him
some Retin-A cream.
Not sleeping is like putting
out a welcome mat for wrinkles.
- And tell him it's
very expensive.
He should only use it on the
parts of his body that show.
- Actually, George's
sleeping problems are over.
- Deja-coincidence.
So are our womb phone woes.
- Weally?
- If our little dogie wants
to be a C&W singer,
that's OK-Corral with us.
- Although I still won't do
a mother-daughter thing
like the Judds.
- You know, I... I think
you've grown as people.
- I wouldn't say that.
- I don't think so, do you?
- You realize how much
money there is in country?
I mean, our little coal
miner's daughter... or son...
Has the potential
to rake in bazillions.
- Come on, Michael,
I'll cook you up a mess of corn
pone and heap of crawdads.
- Jambalaya!
- Oh Stephanie, you
forgot your wrinkle cream.
- Why don't I just
leave it there, Joanna?
And later, when
you're all alone...
I'm sure you'll do
the honorable thing.
- Well, that does it.
I don't care if their kid's
album goes platinum,
I'm not going to buy it.
You don't... think I
need this, do you, honey?
- You know, I think George
missed the wall over here.
- Meow!
08x11 - Jumpin' George
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.