02x13 - In Through the Out Door

[bunniefuu]

Hey, g*ng.

How'd you guys do
this weekend?

Well, I lost on New York,

but Jersey, Houston,
and Golden State

came through for me big-time,

so final tally--
up 200 bucks.

Not too bad.

How did you pick
Jersey over Atlanta?

I got k*lled
on that one.

Hey, guys, what are
you talking about?

So, you know, you're just
giving your money away

playing Atlanta on the road.

Well, they would have
covered it

if Anderson hadn't
missed four free throws

in the last
two minutes.

Sports, huh?
Oh, man, I love sports.

Hey, did you guys hear

they got a whole
cable channel

just for sports now?

Anytime you got
a home team on two days' rest

getting 10 points,

you got to bet on them.

But they lost four
in a row at home.

10 points?

That sounds like
a lot of points.

That means they're due
to win one.

Well, you know,
I got a system.

Always bet against any team
Ted Turner owns.

That's what he does.

I'm a Knickerbockers
fan, I guess.

Since I live in
New York, you know.

I don't know about Phoenix.

They never do that well
in the regular season.

Go Knickers, right?

What's the spread?

It's 4.

No, no. 4 1/2.

5...I heard...

I went to Phoenix
once, though.

It was pretty fun.

Didn't do any sports,
but, uh...

You know, what exactly
is a spread, anyways?

What do you think
of Detroit at Atlanta?

When's that, Thursday?

Anyways, I'll catch you guys
on the flip-flop, as they say.

Anyway...

[♪]

Hey, Joe, who do you like
in the fifth today?

You don't gamble.

Oh, I dabble in the horsies
from time to time.

You mean the ponies?

Yeah.

Anyway, um...

looking at the old
racing form here,

and I just can't figure out
where the smart money's going.

The smart money's

not going to anywhere
near somebody

using a racing form
from 1993.

Joe...

Joe, teach me
how to gamble.

Why do you want to
learn how to gamble?

Because you guys
come in here every Monday,

and that's all you talk about
is gambling, gambling, gambling,

and I never
have anything to say.

Yeah, but if I teach you
how to gamble,

then you will have
something to say.

Yeah, exactly.

You're not
listening.

Joe, seriously.
I'm begging you.

No. No way, man.
Get out of here.

Come on.

Look, I know I seem
a little weird sometimes,

but you would too
if you always felt excluded.

You know? I just...

I just want to be
one of the guys, you know?

Just for once.

It really would mean
a lot to me.

All right, fine.
You want to make a bet?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm thinking
of a number between 1 and 5.

You try to guess it.

Yeah, but it's
got to be for cash.

10 bucks,

and I'll give you
100-to-1 odds.

Oh, that means if you win,
you get 10 bucks,

but if I win...

You get 1,000.

Wow. I'd be stupid
not to...

Right. You ready?

Ready? Go.

Uh, four.

No, three. Good try.

Hey, what's the story,
morning glory?

Hey, Mr. James.

Guess what.

I have whittled my list
of potential wives

down to...

23 women.

So you've eliminated
13 women already.

Yeah, well, you know,

flu season's been brutal
on some of the older ones.

I got my sights set

on that chanteuse,
Melissa Etheridge.

I mean, man, that woman
has everything.

I believe she's gay, sir.

Yeah, she is a house of fire.

Yeah, well, I
believe she's gay.

A lesbian.

A gay, lesbian-type
woman, sir.

Oh, really?

Uh-huh.

Well, I guess I'm down to 22.

How gay is she?

Oh, she's right up there
with K.D. Lang, sir.

Aw, sh**t.

Yeah.

Oh, Dave, Dave, Bill's
going to do a speech

at the broadcasting
society tonight.

I told him I'd be there,

but now it looks like
I can't make it.

Could you sub for me?

Uh, sure. Sure.

Good. I got to get out
of here. God bless.

So, you're going

to a lesbian banquet,
huh, Dave?

If I put a plastic bag
in your jacket,

will you bring me back
some leftovers? Please?

Mm-mm. No.

Dave, please?

Dave--

Dave, I did tell you

that you'd be introducing Bill
tonight, didn't I?

No.
Yeah.

No.

Darn it.

Um, sir, what kind
of an introduction?

Oh, you know,
a speech.

A--a speech?

Yeah, a speech.
Make it 5, 10 minutes.

Remember, Bill's
the main event, okay?

Mm-hmm. I really have
to make a speech?

Yeah, and
make them laugh,

because there's nothing like
the sound

of 1,500 people
not laughing.

I'll see you.

Okay, now, listen, Dave.

I couldn't find
a plastic bag.

All I had
was a condom, okay?

So just...
you know what?

Just get me a handful
of bread sticks, okay?

Haven't you had enough?

Come on. You've lost
five in a row.

I feel the need.
I feel the need.

Let's do it.

What have we got
sports-wise tonight?

There's nothing.

I'm telling you,
there's nothing.

What's this?
"ESPN Superbouts."

What's that?

It's boxing, but--

Let's do it.
Let's go boxing.

You want to bet?
Yeah.

All right.
Double or nothing?

Yeah.

All right, who do you like,
Foreman or Ali?

Okay, whoa.

Before I jump
into anything,

I need to, you know,

because altitude,
climate,

all that might
come into play.

I need to know where
the bout is taking place.

Zaire.

Zaire.

Africa.
The dark continent.

Think hot. Think muggy.

Okay, who is it again?
Who's fighting again?

George Foreman
and Muhammad Ali.

Um, Joe, I think, uh...

I think on this one

I'm going to have to go
with Big George Foreman.

Yeah, Big George.

So it's a bet?
You sure?

Yeah.

Boom! You lose.

What?
They fought in '74.

Ali knocked out Foreman
in the eighth round.

One of the greatest
fights ever.

You can catch it
on TV tonight.

Man, it really is
like that song, isn't it?

You got to know
when to fold them.

You got to know how
to hold them, don't you?

Joe?

So...

I hear you're opening
for the great one tonight.

That's right, Bill.

Tell me, where do you get
your misguided confidence?

It's not confidence.
It's know-how.

I've given hundreds
of these speeches

to fraternal organizations
all across this great land.

No kidding.

Yeah-- Shriners,
Rotarians, Elk lodges.

It's like I'm their king
or something.

Well, well, well, a kingdom
of fat men in minicars.

You must be very proud.

So, need any pointers
on the ancient art of oratory?

Uh, no, thank you.

I just thought
you might benefit

from a few of the old
Bill McNeal rules

of speech etiquette
and presentation.

Well, thank you,
but to be honest, no.

I taught a course on it
at the learning annex.

You did? What
course was that?

The "I thought
you might benefit

"from a few of the old
Bill McNeal

rules of speech etiquette
and presentation" course.

Well, you know what, Bill?

To be perfectly
honest with you,

I am a little nervous
about public speaking,

and I probably could use
a few tips.

Not a problem, because
I want you to do well.

Well, thank you.
Thanks.

I need you
to do well.

You've got
to do well, Dave.

You've just got to.

I mean, nobody cares how
beautiful the soufflé is

if the appetizer is
turds in a blanket.

Can we just jump ahead
to the pointers, Bill?

Okay, rule number one--
speak up!

What was
rule number one?

Speak up.

Pardon?

Speak up!

You've just taken
your first step

into a larger world.

God, you're an idiot.

What?

God, you're an idiot!

Let's get to work.

Come on, man. No more.
No more betting.

No, don't bail on me, Joe.

Come on, I'll bet you...

Listen, I'll bet you
the next song

that WRMH plays

is a really good song.

I'll bet it sucks.
Double or nothing.

Oh, you're on.

♪ I am a lineman
For the county... ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ And I travel
The main road ♪

All right.

You win.

It sucks.

I love that song.

Focus!

Hmm?

Oh...

Let's go over it

yet again.

Come on, Bill.
I really--

Just one more time,
Dave. I promise.

All right.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen--

No!

What have I been
telling you?

♪ Ba ba ba
Ba-ba-ba ba ba ba ♪

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Bill, this is really
starting to resemble

a scene from Fame.

You want fame? It
starts right here.

Very cute, but don't you think
I should at some point,

you know, sit down
and write the speech?

Maybe in the future,

children will learn
to drive rocket cars

before
they can walk,

but for right now,

let's concentrate
on the fundamentals.

Would you stop
doing that?

Look, I know how to say,

"good evening,
ladies and gentlemen."

Yes, but you don't
know

how to say it
with conviction.

This is a good evening.
These women are ladies.

These men are gentle.

And tonight they're going
to enjoy...Bill McNeal!

Okay, Bill. I think I've had
enough of the course.

Thank you very much.

Oh, what have
we here, a quitter?

No. I just really need
to write this speech.

Do I hear
the plaintive cry

of the crested North
American quitter?

Bill, please.

Quit, quit, quit, coo!
Quit, quit, coo!

Okay, get out
of my office now.

That's the attitude
I'm looking for.

Stay in that place.
And...go!

Get out!

No. No. Bring it down.
Keep it real.

What are those?

Cards. Just cards.

You a little nervous about
your big speech tonight?

No, no. No, no.

No? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm cool.

You're cool?

Yeah, I'm cool with it.

You know, I'm just hanging
with it.

I'm just, uh...chillin'.

Uh-huh.

Well, word to your mother.

Matthew, stop that.

No. No, ma'am.

I've only got,
like, five minutes

before Joe gets back
to practice.

Okay,

how many bets
have you lost?

Just like nine or 10.

$10 a pop,
letting it ride,

Jacking the vig,
double or nothing.

Do you know what
"double or nothing" means?

Actually, it's kind of
complicated

to explain, Lisa.

That's cute, though.

Uh, well, actually,

it means that you
owe Joe $5,120.

What?

It's really...it's not even
about the money, Lisa.

It's about being,
you know, one of the guys.

Well, if you want to be
one of the guys,

why don't you just join
a rotisserie baseball league

or something?

Because I'm allergic
to chicken.

Shh.

Oh, Joe. Hey, listen.

Hey, how about, uh...
you want to bet

I can toss this
little paper ball into...

Oh, I don't know.
How about, uh...

Hey! Across the office
into that garbage can?

That's hard to pass up.

If you can't
handle it, then...

What the hell?
I'll do it.

Double or nothing
says you can do it.

Okay, you're on.
You got a bet.

He sh**t...

and scores!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! What?

Yeah. I win.

No, I got it in.

Yeah, and I bet
that you could.

But--

Nice shot, though,
dude.

I guess you've been
practicing, huh?

Look, if you think it'll help,

you may feel free to imagine
the audience naked.

Thanks, Bill.
Thanks.

Also, sometimes it helps

to practice in front
of a mirror.

So you're suggesting

I stand in front
of the mirror

and imagine myself
naked?

That's
like something out

of Silence of
the Lambs.

Good flick. Good flick.

Okay, We're ready
for you, Governor Cuomo.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Lisa.

Dave, I only threw one.

Right, and just
magically multiplied

into this landfill
over here?

Those are not mine.

Look, just clean it up,

and try and set a better example
for Frick and Frack over there.

Uh, this really
isn't necessary.

No, no, Dave,

accept the applause
graciously.

Just say to yourself,
"I deserve this."

No, I mean this little
make-believe rehearsal

isn't necessary.

I just wanted to run
some ideas past you.

Oh, come on, Dave.

Inspiration
minus preparation

equals trepidation.

Did you take Bill's
learning annex course too?

No. I took the
Jesse Jackson course.

Oh, Milos, could you
clean up a little later?

No, no, no, actually,

I invited Milos
to listen to the speech.

Oh, I'm sorry, Milos.

This is great. Have a seat.
This is great.

Thank you, Milos.

Welcome, Milos.
Thanks for coming.

Okay, let's begin, Dave.

Oh, fine.

I mean, this is
stupid, but fine.

All right. Ahem.

Okay. Um...

Ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests--

Whoo! Yeah!

What are you doing?

I'm hooting.

Why are you hooting?

Because, Dave,
you can't be thrown

by an overly
enthusiastic audience.

This is a speech
to the Broadcasting Society.

I doubt the members
of the broadcasting society

are going to behave
like the Dog Pound.

What? The what?

The Dog Pound.

These people over here
are the Dog Pound.

You know, The Arsenio Hall Show,
right?

Just because I'm black,

I'm supposed
to be an expert

on Arsenio Hall trivia.

It was a general question.

Yeah.

Next thing you know,

you'll be asking me
if I can get you

an autograph
from Sydney Poitier.

Oh, my God. You know
Sydney Poitier?

We're getting
a little distracted.

Okay,
let's begin again.

Fine. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests,

Members of the--

Okay, who threw that?

Come on.

Look, look, who--
who threw that?

You can't let a little
something like that

throw you, honey.
Go on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
honored guests,

members of
the Broadcasting Society.

As broadcasters,
it is our duty--

[LAUGHS]

Doodie.

Very funny.
Very funny.

What is he doing
in there?

He never locks
this door.

He's probably in there
doing it with Lisa.

Oop, sorry.
Force of habit.

All right, you know
what? Forget Dave.

I will handle this myself.

Joe, tell Matthew

he doesn't owe you
any money.

No. He said he wanted
to learn about gambling.

Now he's learning.

He owes you $10,240.

Well, maybe he can
pay me installments,

like a dollar a day

for the rest
of his life.

No, not the rest of his life,
but maybe the next 28.055 years.

You don't
impress me.

Look, Joe, just let him
win one, please?

Go double or nothing
with him

and let him win.

You're asking
Joe Garelli

to take a dive?

Yes, and let's not
get melodramatic.

AS MARLON BRANDO:
I could have been somebody.

I could have been
a contender

instead of a bum,
which is what I am.

On The Waterfront.

1954, but very relevant

to my current
predicament,

isn't it?

Well, yeah, it would be
more relevant

if Marlon Brando's
arch enemy in the film

had been Don Knotts...

but it wasn't,
so come on.

Going to kick
that Barney Fife's ass.

So, in--in conclusion,

uh, without further ado,
uh, so to speak,

please welcome...
Bill McNeal.

Well, you can't say

Dallas doesn't love you,
Mr. President.

Well, I thought
that you were fine.

You were fine, Dave.

But...But...

Well...

You weren't undressing me
with your eyes, were you?

No, no, no, no.

Mr. Dave...

Your speaking makes
my heart feel very big.

Well, thank you,
Milos.

You have my vote.

I will be proud for you
to be the president.

Uh, Milos, I'm...

Could I have, please?

Uh, sure.

Thanks, Milos, but--

Thank you...

Mr. President.

$10,240

divided by 10 years...

[LAUGHING] Doodie.

All right, dude.
One more bet.

Okay, I'm ready.

All right,
double or nothing.

Guess which hand
the pencil's in.

Huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Matthew!

Okay, okay. I'm just,
you know...

my first impulse is
to pick this one,

of course, because...

but you have
outsmarted me before,

haven't you?

Like nine or 10 times.

So maybe I should pick
the opposite one.

Or is that what
you want me to think?

That one.

You lose.

Oh, good lord!

I tried.

So did I.

You're on your own,
Matthew.

Let's try it
just one more time.

Now, the dramatic pause
in this section

lasts how long?

Oh, for crying out loud,
Bill, three seconds.

Three seconds.
Yes. Proceed.

All right.

And now please welcome
the man of the hour...

Now!

Bill McNeal.

No! You're too late!

Now they're just
going to think

you've forgotten
my name!

That's absurd.

Why can't you do
a simple thing

like count to three?

Maybe there's
such a thing

as over-rehearsing.
You think of that?

Tonight is important
to me, Dave.

Don't you understand?

I've been writing
my speech for months.

Look, just relax.

How can I relax?

You're going to suck
the air out of the room

before I even get a chance
to speak.

Well, thank you
for boosting my confidence.

Screw your confidence!

You're going down in flames
tonight,

and I'm going to end up

with a face full
of smoke and soot!

Look, settle down.

No, you settle down!
You settle down!

Stop screaming
at me.

No, you stop
screaming at me!

Bill, you're
the most selfish,

insecure,
egotistical freak

it has ever been
my misfortune

to work with.

He is the most selfless,
humble, and confident man

it has ever been my pleasure
to work with,

and I realize I should probably
wrap up my remarks now.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

No, no, no. Please. Please.

So without further ado,

my very good friend

and the finest broadcaster
I know...

Bill McNeal.

RASPS: Thank you.

I strained my voice today,

so you'll have to bear
with me.

Events like this one

always remind me
of a funny story.

Speak up!

Events like this one
always--[COUGHING]

Oh, I heard you learned
a thing or two

about gambling today.

Yeah, I did.
I sure did.

Yeah? Who do you like
this weekend?

I don't like anyone,
quite frankly.

Don't like anyone or
anything

related to gambling,
which I suck at.

Aw, come on, Matthew.

The only reason
I got into it

was because of you guys.

You know, you guys are
always talking about it,

and I just wanted to,
you know, join the g*ng.

Listen to me.
How did you do?

I lost every single
bet I placed.

Welcome
to the club.

Oh yeah.
Back in the early '70s,

I had the worst losing
streak of my life.

Really?

Sure. Hell, yeah.

I even lost the games
I fixed.

I know. That's exactly
how it was for me today.

Well, there you go.

Stuff like that
happens

to us gambler types.

Yeah, yeah, that does
happen to us gamblers.

All right.

Like today, Joe bet me

I couldn't guess which hand
the pencil was in,

and I guessed
the wrong one,

even though the pencil
was sticking way out.

You don't say.

[♪]