04x02 - Shelf Life

[bunniefuu]

♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky

♪ Always giving him commands

Bad twerp!

♪ Doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who'll grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality...

♪ They are his oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

Wands and wings.floaty, crowny things.

♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, peapod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

Obtuse, rubber goose,

Green moose, guava juice.

Giant snake, birthday cake,

Large fries, chocolate shake!

♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are a kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

Yeah, right.

Well, students, it's the last day of school.

You're probably all excited about your homework-free summer vacation.

You bet!

It's summer?

Yes, summer. Time of fun.

Frolicking at the beach.

And carefree outdoor merriment.

And no homework!

Yay!

If you're an adult, like me.

[Laughter stops]

But if you're a kid,

You have to spend the summer writing

A -page book report.

Boo!

This is the approved list of books from which you may choose.

Have a nice summer.

Don't forget to write.

And write and write!

Heh heh heh heh!

Fairies!

Page book report?

That sounds like fun.

[School bell rings]

Ahhh! Ahhh!

All I said was, "it sounded like fun."

He said it again! Get him!

Ahhhh!

[Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Cool! School's over.

It's summer vacation!

All right. Woo hoo!

What do you want to do, timmy?

Get some snow cones? Wish for world peace?

Get some snow cones?

I've got an idea.

What say we head on over to the library?

Well, you know, to get an early start

On that -page book report...

That you'll have to do at some point...

Because the library is full of information...

And...you're gonna blow it off until the last minute, aren't you?

Of course I'm not gonna blow it off until the last minute.

I just can't wait to spend the entire summer

Exploring the wonder of books.

Fetch!

Aaaahhh!

I can't believe I blew it off 'til the last minute!

Aahh!

Don't you guys ever go to the bathroom?

[Bark! Bark, bark, bark!]

Well, at least I can take comfort in the fact

That my best friends procrastinated all summer, too.

Just like me. Right?

Actually, timmy, I did my report months ago,

And it's being made into a feature film.

I'm planning on flunking this year,

So I stopped caring months ago.

We're going to the all day, all free

"End of summer kids who did their summer book report carnival."

Which is free.

Then why did you walk all the way here to the library with me?

To rub it in!

Whoo hoo!

Oh, cheer up, timmy.

The library can be just as much fun

As a free street carnival.

Right, cosmo?

Ha ha! Oh, man!

That carnival is awesome!

And look, I won a fluffy puppy!

All I had to do was pin the tail on elmer.

Aaahhh!

Hey, what are we doing at the library?

The library is stupid.

Well, I for one can't wait to see what magical

Deep and complicated piece of literature

You're going to read for your report.

"Everyone knew spatsville was a fun little town.

"There was only one rule.

"You could not ever frown.

"There are many morals to this story.

"But here's what I choose.

When you come down to spatsville..."

"Don't make fun of rat's shoes."

Don't make fun of rat's shoes. The end.

To the carnival!

Hold it!

You're pages short!

And this book isn't on the approved list.

Holy wet blanket, timmy! She's right.

These are the books crocker said you can use.

Boring! What about this book?

Wanda: astrophysics for morons?

Yeah. Look at all the pretty colors.

And the word "moron" which wanda uses a lot.

Moron! See?

Also boring. Who cares about the laws of physics?

Uh...the physics police?

Oh, well. Let's get this over with.

Here, sherlock holmes.

Sherlock holmes? He's a detective.

Ooh, is he a hard-boiled tough guy

Who settles his problems with his fists?

No, he's british.

So, he solves 'em with cricket?

There's only one way to find out.

Since I don't have the time or the attention span to read this,

Let's just poof mr. Fancy hat out here.

Oh, but timmy, reading is--

For suckers without fairy godparents.

Right! I wish sherlock holmes was here.

What's all this then, timothy?

What? How did you know my name?

My dear boy, I am sherlock holmes,

The world's greatest detective.

By his vacant stare and the way she's glaring at him,

I deduce that she's married

And he's a drooling imbecile.

Moron!

Wow, everyone's read this book!

Except me! So you'll help me with my book report?

Are you daft? I'm a detective, not a babysitter.

And now I'm off to find the van de mere diamond.

Diamonds!

Sherlock, wait!

Relax. We'll find him later.

Hey, this book has a picture of a kid on it.

I can totally relate.

What's this about?

It's a classic adventure about a lazy kid

Who gets everybody else to do his work for him.

I'm in!

No! Tom sawyer gets unsuspecting dumb kids to do his work

By being a smooth-talking con artist.

Then I'm fine, 'cause I'm not dumb at all.

Bring him here!

Hey, wait a minute.

This ain't the mississippi river.

And you ain't huck and you ain't becky.

My name is timmy turner,

And I just wished you out of your book.

My book?

Yeah. You're a storybook character.

Your adventures were written about in by mr. Mark twain.

Anybody who reads this book knows all about your life

And all the adventures you have.

You mean, it's the same story every time?

Yep. In one chapter, you sailed down the mississippi

With huck finn.

And in another chapter,

You get a boy to paint a fence for you.

Ooh! Rivers, painting. What a thrilling story.

Just add golf and a nap and you're all done.

Ooh! Fishy!

Well, when you put it that way,

It does sound powerful boring.

I mean, look at this stuff.

Big ol' monster trucks,

Rock 'n roll bands.

Now that's excitin'.

I wish I could change my story a bit with stuff like this.

Ah, sorry captain thrills a minute,

But in order to do that you'd need a magic wand like this.

Ah! Ah!

A magic wand?!

You're right, I'm way too dull to handle one of those.

That's right. You're here to help timmy write a book report

So he can go to the all-day, all-free street fair!

Hey, let's pin the tail on elmer!

Aaahhhh!

Yay!

Street fair? That sounds powerful fun, timmy.

And come to think of it,

I'd be downright proud to do all your school work for ya.

Really?

Providing one of your floaty, magicky-type friends keeps me company.

Not me. I don't want any part of this.

If you need me, I'll be in the "all men are morons" section.

What are you waiting for?

Mosey on down to that free carnival

Whiles me and your pal here

Commence to writin' your paper.

Gee, tom, thanks!

Ha! Wanda said you were just a con man.

Oh, shucks. I am a con man--

If "con" is short for...

"Con" you believe you ain't at the street fair yet?

Go on! Get!

So that's what "con" means.

I've been wondering ever since that guy

Sold me the brooklyn bridge.

Whoops! Dropped my wand.

This is gon' be way too easy. Heh heh heh.

Cosmo, I brought you a snow cone!

It sort of melted-- in my mouth.

Cosmo?

[Shocking music]

Oh, that's ok, timmy.

I'm busy painting this fence

For my good pal tom.

What? How did that picket fence get here?

I poofed it in for my good pal tom.

Couldn't you just poof the white paint onto the fence?

Tom: he can't.

He done traded me his magicky stick for paintin' lessons.

What? Cosmo, that's a horrible deal!

I know, and I felt so bad for tom

That I threw in magic lessons and your snow cone.

Hey, give cosmo his wand back!

Give me my snow cone back

And write my report for me

And get back in your book!

You ain't the boss of me.

With this magicky stick, nobody is.

I ain't never going back in there.

It's missouri in there.

Have you ever been to missouri?

You gotta go back in there.

That's your story.

Not anymore.

I'ma makin' up my own stories now!

Yee ha!

Wanda, help!

Oh, hillary, how did you put up with it?

We're in crisis mode, alpha niner delta!

Oh, no!

Alpha niner delta?

Cosmo lost his wand to a fictional character from missouri?

I ain't going back to missouri!

Wanda, I wish cosmo had his wand back.

Hey! My wand doesn't work on his wand.

And teaching him how to do that

Is how I got the second brush.

Get him!

As we say in missouri,

I ain't goin' back to missouri.

We have to go after him and get that wand back!

But I have to put on a second coat.

Aaahhhh...!

Cosmo, timmy, we've gotta find tom sawyer

And get the wand back.

What book are we in anyway?

Well, judging by the huge amount of words

And lack of pictures you can color,

I guarantee it's nothing I've ever read.

No! We're in...

Aaaahh!

Three more stowaways, captain ahab, sir.

Captain ahab?

Aaaaargggh!

Wow, we must be inside [span] moby d*ck,[/span]

The story of the great white whale.

Captain, one of 'em's got another one of those

Fancy glowin' torches.

Another? Wait.

Did a shoeless hick kid run through here?

Arrrghh! Yes. The conniving lad from missouri.

Caused all kinds of havoc with that fancy, glowin' stick of his.

Just look what he did to me leg.

Oh, my gosh! He cut your leg off?

Uh...no, no. Me other leg.

And that's not all he did.

That fiend!

Captain, captain!

Thar she blows!

What's that?

We fell right into the climax of the story.

Where captain ahab has a duel to the death

With a great white whale.

His arch nemesis, moby...

All: duck?

Ok. I didn't even read the book

And I know that's not right.

Ducky!

Hey, y'all! Lookit!

I just changed one letter,

And made it moby duck.

Now I'm a writer.

Not bad for a boring character, huh?

Gotta go.

There's a whole mess of books just'a waitin' to be messed with!

Yee ha!

Follow that hick!

To the last I grapple with thee!

Ahhhh!

Aaahhhh!

Yaaaaah!

Now where are we?

I'm guessing it's a book about angry farmers.

Hey, you tell your boss, dr. Frankenstein,

To keep his frankenstein's monster

Up there in frankenstein's castle.

I knew it. We're in [span]dracula.[/Span]

Hey, back off! We're not even part of the story!

Stubborn, eh?

Timmy, the villagers are attacking!

Villagers? Wait a minute.

If tom can change books, so can i!

Wanda, give me your wand.

The ill attack.

Get him! [Cough, cough] achoo!

Get him! Achoo!

Come on. We've gotta get tom

Before he goofs up this book, too!

This is the climactic scene where the villagers chase the monster!

Yeeeaaaah!

It's the frankenstein monster--

Truck?

Frankie!

It's alive! It's alive!

And it gets three miles to the gallon!

Something about the combination of my rural heritage

And this monster truck

Seems oh so right!

Yee hah!

Aaahh!

Oh, no! We're gonna be squashed like rural bugs

On a rural windshield!

Not if I can help it.

Peace to you, my missouri born son.

Oh, no, you don't.

Hey. Hey! Watch the hands. I just had a manicure.

Hey, ladies, this one's for you.

Aaahhh! [Cough, cough]

Ya'll will never catch me.

Wanda, come on!

In a minute. Hey, fancy pants!

Come here often?

Hey!

Uuuggghh!

Come on!

Aaahhh!

Yeow!

Golly, now we're in [span] tarzan, lord of the apes.[/Span]

Ah-haah-haah!

No, it's tarzan, lord of the drapes.

Oh, great.

Tom changed apes to drapes.

Me, tarzan, lord of drapes.

You tacky. Who dressed you?

Cheetah? Ha ha ha ha.

I'm tarzan, lord of shapes.

This is a circle. This is a square.

This is a triangle.

Can we get out of here?

I'm learning again.

Ok, let's begin.

Musketeer roll call. Aramy!

Darty! Porty!

Egad! He's turned the three musketeers into the three mouse--

Let's go!

[Growling]

Jason, how do we argonauts battle this mighty beast?

There's only one way to fight this cyclops, men.

With music!

Hit it!

♪ Jason and the pussycats

♪ We got guitars and pirate hats ♪

♪ Long swords and treasure maps ♪

♪ North, south, east and west

♪ We got tattoos on our chest ♪

♪ Except for larry

♪ We're battling the monsters... ♪

Wait a second.

We went into [span] moby d*ck, then [span]frankenstein.[/Span][/span]

Then [span]tarzan.[/Span]

Lord of the drapes.

He's running down the row of books

That I poofed up for you.

Oh, no!

And the last book in that pile is astrophysics for morons!

Guys, we gotta stop him!

What for? So he gets into a physics book.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Cosmo, don't you understand?

He could turn gravity into gravy.

Aaaahh!

He could turn the planets into plants!

He could turn uranus into--

Oh, my gosh! We gotta stop him!

What? I don't get it.

What's the threat?

There's not a minute to lose.

We gotta head him off with the only book I know.

I wish we were in...

Spatsville, cool!

We're in [span]the rat in the spats.[/Span]

Hey! No fair!

You used your magicky stick to get here 'fore I did!

Tom, I gots a proposition for ya.

Now you're speaking my language.

What kind of proposition?

How would you like two magicky sticks instead of one?

Timmy, what are you doing?

Keep talkin'.

You have piqued my rural interest.

All you gotta do is beat me in a frowning contest.

I'm from missouri! Frowning's the state sport!

Beat that, yankee.

Don't have to.

Hey, little man.

In this fun little town, there is only one law.

You cannot ever frown.

You ain't the boss of me!

I ain't takin' no orders from no rat in clown shoes.

Ha ha ha ha.

You gonna take that from some punk from missouri?

What did you say about my shoes, punk?!

Ha ha--

That's gonna leave a mark.

My wand! Hooray!

So that's how this book ends.

Wow! How did you know that would happen?

Elementary, my dear wanda.

I deduced that tom would knock the rat's spats

Which, if you know this book as well as I do,

Invariably leads to a...

You ain't seen the last of me!

Oh, yeah?...

What? I didn't say that.

Aaahhh!

Good work, timmy.

I guess we'd better wish all those books back to normal, huh?

Not just yet.

I gots a proposition for ya.

Crocker: ahem! Well, class,

You're probably wondering how I graded your reports so quickly.

That's because-- they're all horrible!

A.j., Everybody knows the book is called [span]moby duck![/Span]

There's no whale in it! F!

Sanjay, for not even discussing the musical element

Of [span]jason and the pussycats,[/span]

You get an f! Turner...

Your report on who would win in a fight,

Tom sawyer or the rat in spats,

Was perfect!

I despise you.

But I've no choice but to give you an a!

Whoo hoo!

Wow! Timmy got an a.

And all he had to do was get everybody else to fail to do it.

I can't help but think I forgot something,

Something important.

Oh, and I'm the moron?

Whoo hoo! Do it again. Do it again!

Yes, deduce something else.

Elementary, my dear turners.

I deduce you met when you were ,

You fell madly in love,

You despise your neighbors, the dinklebergs,

And your first names are...

Oh, you're right!

Ooh hoo! How does he do that?

Holmes: diamonds!